Chapter 43: My Biggest Strength, My Biggest Weakness

The air in the small meeting room was suffused with the combined smells of tea and coffee—the latter still being a rare treat Armin had grown particularly fond of. It wasn't tea, but Nora could relate to the blissful expression on his face whenever he took his first sip of the fresh, hot brew.

"Marvellous, simply marvellous." Ayad stood as Nora and Levi joined them, inspecting the geared-up captain closely. "You should be dead, or, failing that, still confined to the bed for a good while."

"Don't piss your pants in excitement, old man." Wearing a mild, bored frown, Levi chose the chair at one end of the short table, opposite Hange, leaving the one to his left for Nora, while the right was occupied by Armin—an admittedly unusual addition to smaller meetings such as this one. Whatever this was about, Hange must mean business. Or rather, science.

Ayad, as usual, had made himself comfortable next to Hange. "It's been three weeks, correct?" he said, still ogling Levi, leaning forward on his elbows to do so. "They say time flies when you are having fun."

"He heals a compound fracture in barely more than a week," Hange blabbed, sounding like a proud mum.

He smiled, bemused, giving a little shake of his head. "I am good at my job, but I am no miracle worker." A crease appeared between his bushy black brows. "Maybe this impressive regenerative capacity is to be expected in his mid-twenties."

Seconds ago, she wanted to scold Hange for sharing that kind of information about Levi—an Ackerman—and now, Nora snorted into her teacup. She couldn't help it. "He's almost thirty-four." She felt Levi's glare at her temple. Nice.

"Thirty-three years old?" Ayad actually smacked his palm on the table, if in a soft, contained way. "Good Lord. Those Ackerman genes really are quite something."

"What are genes?" asked Nora and Hange and Armin in unison.

"Wouldn't we all like to know?" A precocious smile spread on his face—but when his eyes met Nora's, it dwindled; she had no patience for his cryptic shit, and that must show. "They're what makes you you," he explained. "The traits you inherit from your parents, in short. I can recommend you a book. Science does not understand yet where exactly in the cell they are and what they are made of."

Armin nodded eagerly, probably soaking up each word like a sponge. "Are they the reason why—"

"Why is the other Ackerman so much taller?" Ayad was directing his question at Hange, evidently the most promising way to go about it.

"Probably because she got plenty of sunlight and decent nutrition in her childhood."

"Hange." Levi's reprimand was quiet yet forceful, his glare without a doubt the highlight of Nora's day. She tried to stifle her grin just in case he saw it out of the corner of his eye.

Ayad knew better than to ask another question, back to shameless ogling once more. "Still, his upbringing doesn't seem to have negatively impacted his strength. Fascinating."

Levi sipped his tea, his heavy-lidded eyes like cold steel. Damn, he really wasn't a fan of having his laundry aired—or being treated like a test subject.

"I want your blood. Yours, too." All imperious, Ayad tipped his head at her. "If you'd be so kind," he added, remembering himself. Cutting open Levi and saving his life had definitely made the doc too cocky right out of the gate. Or maybe that was just who he was and he couldn't help himself.

"What for?" Nora asked, astonished with herself. Suspicion coloured those two syllables, yes, but only a short while ago, she would have flat-out declined, sprinkling in a good amount of profanity.

Since then, things had changed. For one, Ayad had told them things they didn't want, but needed to hear. Cooperative and helpful were attributes she wouldn't associate with the git, and yet he'd shown both of these, whatever his reasons. Then there was the not-so-insignificant fact that Levi was sitting right next to her, with nothing but two vicious scars to show for his little solo adventure.

And perhaps she had talked to the mouthy sort-of prisoner too much already. If nothing else, he was certainly not dumb—nor was he boring. Shit. But it could be worse; Hange already called him Hakim. She would become friends with a shark if it just held still long enough. Which may just be what was happening here.

Ayad lifted his hands, palms facing Nora. "To examine it and compare shifter with Ackerman blood, nothing else! I cannot say anything specific until I know more."

"We will get the microscope you mentioned, as well as the instruments and materials you said are essential," Hange said with certainty. "You can work with the samples we provide—under supervision. Which will be either Nora, Armin, or me, depending on who has some time on their hands."

"Wha—" Nora stopped herself, closed her gaping mouth. Hange hadn't run any of this by her and Levi. Her right, of course, as the commander, and Nora could see how they'd finally reached the point to trust Ayad enough to put a certain amount of agency into his too-capable hands. But—

No. Hange was right. This was exactly what the man was here for. This was why she had pushed for that cursed mission. He had proven his worth. The chances that he'd been weaving nothing but elaborate lies so far, with no holes in them, were exceedingly low. Especially since Marley had abandoned him; what good would it do him? And of one thing Nora was positive; he did not hate Eldians on principle. Ironically, his very work centring on the Subjects of Ymir was not all too compatible with prejudices and superstition.

All that left two things she could only hope for. First, that Ayad was able to make a real difference for them in this war.

And second, that he didn't hate Eldians who kidnapped him.

#

They were almost asleep when it happened again. Images bombarding Nora's mind, just when she started to drift off. Levi on the airship in all black, talking to her. Levi, giving her one last, hard look before running off in the other direction. Levi, collapsing, the black of his uniform darkening with blood.

It started with chills breaking out on her neck, immediately quickening her pulse to that of a rabbit being chased.

She couldn't keep lying here. She couldn't.

She was up before Levi could do more than lift his head, sleepy eyes following her until she locked herself in the bathroom.

"Fuck fuck fuck," Nora whispered, chest heaving, fingers clamping down on the sink.

She was sure going to faint. No, puke. No, both.

Hot and cold flushes alternated. Through it all, she was shaking. Her stomach was in agony. So was her mind, and her palpitating heart. It felt too big. Unprotected.

"He is safe he is safe he is safe," she whispered to her mirror image. He will die he will die he will die, a voice in her head echoed, louder.

Fuck. Puking it was.

Just as she went to her knees in front of the toilet, a rap on the door reverberated through her body, made everything worse.

"Did you die in there?" Levi asked through the door.

"Out in a bit." Did she sound normal? She hoped she sounded normal. She probably didn't sound normal; she could barely hear her own voice, but she was decently certain she couldn't help the trembling.

Five seconds of silence. She dared hope he'd leave it alone. Then, "Alright. If you aren't taking a dump, open the goddamned door, or I'll kick it in." Levi's voice was calm, yet impatient. His no-nonsense voice.

Shit shit shit. There was nothing she could do or say. Nora took a deep, slow breath through her nose. When she was at least hopeful she wouldn't vomit, she heaved herself up and stumbled to the door, turned the key, and immediately stepped back, sliding down to the floor with her back against the wall. Her tunnel vision had got all blurry, her head feeling too light and cold. She was hyperventilating again, it seemed. How demented.

A click signalled her that Levi had opened the door, stepping into the room. "What the hell is going on? You look like shit."

She wanted to look up at him and tell him she was alright, just a little dizzy, but she was paralysed, her head drooping, gaze fixed on her knees. Which she was hugging to her chest while slightly rocking back and forth, just the littlest bit, she noticed with delay.

Shit, she wouldn't get out of this one.

Levi bent down. "I'll take you to—" When he tugged at her elbow, she shied away so violently he took a step back. The thought of being moved was, for a reason she couldn't explain, terrifying. Unbearable. She would lose it. Together with the contents of her stomach.

"I'm fine. Really." Her teeth were clattering. "I just need—" Her strangely jerky voice got stuck in her tight throat. But it was vital to put an end to this situation. "I just need a moment for myself."

Judging by the silence and his utter stillness, he'd already caught on. Likely from the beginning.

"You're having a full-blown panic attack," he said, and it was like a leash to raw skin. "Do you think I haven't seen them often enough to recognise it, idiot?"

She couldn't stop making those short, quick rocking motions, yet her body wouldn't let her shrug. "Just irrelevant brain shit. Will pass." Talking made it worse, too. She was surely about to vomit, and he was standing right fucking there. With what little remained of her thin voice, she said, "Now go away." Had it sounded like anything, it would have been almost casual, friendly.

"Why are you still hiding from me, you brat? I'm so sick of this shit." Levi's voice was harsh, raised, the unexpected noise making her flinch, and when she lifted her head in shock, he was glaring daggers at her, nostrils flared. She hadn't seen him this angry in a long time, not even after their talk with Ayad.

Levi was loud. And Levi didn't get loud.

He wouldn't leave her alone. He wanted her to say what was plain to see. But if he was so sick of her hiding—which, come to think of it, he should be able to empathise with a little—then the truth couldn't make it any worse. Maybe he'd go, then. She'd understand if he would.

A twinge of frustration opened her airways enough so that she could at least squeak. "Because I'm weak, okay? It's bad enough that I have to face it, but having you see this, you, of all people…" While she had to collect herself, averting her face because the next heat flush shot directly into it, Levi sat down beside her on the cold tiles, one knee propped up. "Next to you, I have no right to break. And you're doing more than enough for me already—you're doing everything. At least with this, I want to get over it without bothering you, and hopefully I'll succeed before I lose what little respect for me you might still have left." She was close to hyperventilating again. Her fingers were prickling. "Now just say nothing and leave me alone, please."

He did neither. After several seconds, he said, "You absolute dumbass." Nora couldn't help looking at him again; she might have felt surprise if she weren't too overwhelmed by the horrific sensations her own body created. His anger was still written across his face, but something around his eyes had softened. "In here, you can freak out however much you want. It's human. You're strong when you need to be, out there. Besides, everyone's weak now and then. Even me—keep your trap shut," he added before she could argue. "But more importantly, you don't have to be me, no matter how much we happen to be alike. What I am is not normal. Nothing about me or my life has ever been normal. It is what it is, and I'm fine with that." In the following brief silence, while she was numb, mesmerised, he raised the arm that wasn't draped over his knee, moved it in her direction, slowly, so slowly, slower than he had ever moved in her presence. When she didn't even twitch, he took her cold, clammy hand in his, resting them on her knee. "And you should be fine with who you are. You're thirty years old, for fuck's sake. In your core, you're sure as hell never gonna change because you aren't the type, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Do you think I'd sit on my bathroom floor with someone I don't respect the hell out of?"

Her body awakened again. It was bearable, all of a sudden. Her heart was pounding for two very different reasons that were one and the same. And that reason sat next to her, held her hand, respected the hell out of her. Her biggest strength and her biggest weakness.

Loving him was killing her, but of all the things that were killing her, anyway, this was the best one, the one that was worth it.

You'll never change, too, and I'm glad because you are bloody perfect, she wanted to say. And, You are never weak, no matter what you think.

"That's not so special," she murmured, a half-smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. "The floor is so clean you could lick it."

"Over my dead body. Not even for you." He briefly squeezed her hand.

"I'd lick it for you. Each and every tile." And truer words had never been spoken.

"Why would you?" The timbre of his deep voice was warm and soft. "Disgusting."

They sat like that for minutes. The tension drained from her body bit by bit, leaving behind mushy, aching muscles.

"I'm ready," she said at last, measured.

With a nod, Levi rose, pulling her up by her hands. "Then let's finally get some shitty sleep."

#

In bed, they lay facing each other, but barely touching; he deserved the chance, at least, to get some more shut-eye until morning, and Nora felt slightly claustrophobic anyway. The attack was over, though. While she might not be able to believe everything, what Levi had said made sense to her for the most part, wonderful sense, enveloping her like a warm, soft blanket. How could he see her that way, after everything? How could he see himself as he did? How could he not realise that there was one circumstance under which she wouldn't be able to be strong, out there? Well, she sure wouldn't go out of her way to correct his misperceptions. He wouldn't listen, anyway.

Regardless, it was hard to lie still. Every now and then, an ice-cold wave of residual dread rose within her, stinging just beneath her skin, then fell again without breaking. Nothing worth mentioning. As long as she kept holding onto Levi's forearm, she'd probably be fine. Not asleep, but you couldn't have anything.

In a steady rhythm, she stroked the pad of her thumb back and forth over his warm skin, feeling the softness and the fine hair. The automatic movement was comforting, familiar. It did not quiet her clamouring mind, but it registered just so, kept her at the edge of the pit, looking down instead of falling.

Levi's eyes were closed, but she knew he was awake. The subtle tension in his features gave it away as much as his breathing; while even, it was a bit too quiet, not deep enough.

"Why're you still not sleeping?" she eventually whispered into the half-dark despite her best intentions.

His heavy lids opened a fraction, the crinkles around his eyes deepening. "Why're you not sleeping?" he grumbled back, not whispering. His frown returned to its more pronounced daytime version, and he added, "No, I can answer for both of us; because you won't stop twitching and fidgeting and half hyperventilating."

Shit. Nora hadn't even noticed how badly she had contained her unease. She forced herself to take a slow, deep breath. "I'm sorry."

"Stop it." His tone was final, annoyed. As if she were the kind of person who apologised too often. Ha. Levi watched her face closely, his own back to neutral. "You tired at all?"

"No. You?"

"Always. But sleepy, never."

Nora couldn't begin to express just how much she understood, so she didn't bother trying. A nod had to suffice.

Just so she had something to focus on aside from his scrutiny, she unnecessarily explained, "I can't distract myself from my bloody brain. Not even reading would work right now."

The look in his calm grey eyes remained unchanged as he kept watching, thinking—and it was impossible to tell what—making her squirm. He barely blinked.

"Can you manage on your own for a minute?" he said so abruptly she twitched, propping himself up on the arm she wasn't clinging to.

"I'm not a child!" she snapped, probably more frustrated with herself than with what he'd said. Belatedly, she let go of him; no need to undermine herself.

"Ill-tempered brat." Levi got up swiftly, his way of moving a contradiction to his overall tired and lazy appearance. He was almost to the door when he added, "Just don't lose your shit again while I'm gone."

Something unpleasant—indignation, shame, frustration, fear, all of the unpleasant—drew heat to her face. "Yessir," she bit out, putting in every ounce of sarcasm she could muster.

If it just were that simple.

#

Levi was indeed gone for barely more than a minute, just long enough for Nora to get a glass of water and make herself comfortable sitting in bed. He strode in with a wooden box under his arm. Nonplussed, she needed a moment to process what he had brought. Every now and then, he still managed to surprise her.

"You know how to play?" She held out her arms to take the chessboard from him.

"Of course I do, idiot." He settled down into a cross-legged seat, facing her, their knees separated by the board lying on the mattress between them. "I played with Erwin, sometimes."

In the middle of the process of setting up the game, Nora looked up, intrigued. "Really? He must have been an absolute nightmare of an opponent."

Levi picked up where she had left, taking several chess pieces, including the pawn she was holding. "Yeah. Especially at the beginning, when I was pretty shit at it." He frowned at the board then, and carefully turned it one hundred and eighty degrees; now, black was on his side. Okay. She decided not to comment on it. Most had a preference.

"Did you ever manage to beat him?" she asked.

"I did." There was no pride or anything other than factuality in his voice. "But not often."

"I suffered the same fate with Pyxis. Occasionally, when he was in Ehrmich, we'd play. That's how he learnt that I have a foul mouth." She would have apologised, except he always laughed heartily at her—let's call it resourceful—commentary.

"Did he teach you how to play?" Levi put down the last piece, looking up.

"No, that was my mum. We used to play a lot." The sight of the chessboard—a distinct reminder of her time with the Garrison—had taken her on a trip down memory lane. She still saw it all so clearly before her. "Although, once I was eleven or twelve or so, I started winning most times, and we played less and less because it was, in her words, 'starting to become pretty pointless'. She was a sore loser." Nora shrugged, smiling a little. Levi was waiting, his gaze on her steady and focused, as if he were waiting for her to finish a sentence. "And when I returned from the Cadet Corps and she was getting sicker and sicker, I eventually had to move the chess pieces for her, and after a while, we couldn't play anymore, at all, because she'd mix up the rules or forget we'd been playing in the first place, and…"

That was when she caught herself, realised what she was doing. And that the cold ring around her stomach was missing, the one she had come to associate with all thoughts of her mother. Instead, this had been… oddly freeing. As if she was putting it right where it belonged, relieving herself of some weight.

Shit. Dumping it on him, in other words. Of course, she'd chew off Levi's ear, of all people, once again; there was no one she'd rather talk to, no one else who knew just what to say and do, and when to be silent. It wasn't something he had learnt, either, but his very nature; it had been the same back when they'd barely known each other. But listening to her mundane sob stories about her mother must be trying his patience, in the best case. What a shitty thing to do, considering his past, and now, of all times.

"Sorry." She stared down at the white chess pieces, letting her hair fall to her warm face like a curtain. "I got carried away, there. It's been long since I thought of all that, and I've never really talked about it, so I guess I started rambling—"

"Why the hell are you apologising?" His pitch-black brows were lowered towards tired eyes. "You can tell me whatever shit you feel like telling me."

"I know I got lucky, compared to you. Hell, everyone I have ever known had it better. And your mum—" Bloody hell, she was making it worse. "What I'm saying is that, especially after tonight, I shouldn't bother you with—"

"I want to hear it, stupid. Besides, this isn't a goddamn competition."

"That's not what I m—"

"The shitty stuff I've had to deal with has nothing to do with the shit you've had to go through. As far as I'm concerned, we've both gotten our fair share of shit, and counting the past few years, a lot of it overlaps." A burst of air left his nose as he directed his scowl to the chessboard separating them. "So, if you want a competition, let's start with that stupid game."

Heart somewhere too close to her throat, Nora nodded, not even certain he saw it. But she was a bit at a loss for words, here. She wasn't certain what exactly had got into her tonight, but it surely was all his fault. Telling her how much he respected her, telling her that he wanted to hear that random shit, then proceeding to show her that he once again understood in that way he did, and treat their vastly different experiences as equal. She wasn't competing, she was pretty much doing the opposite: acknowledging her privilege, acknowledging how the world treated him, and how incredible he was. But it wasn't news that he didn't like it when she did that.

"You know, if it were a competition, you'd win, as per usual," Nora couldn't resist saying once she found her voice, grinning a little as she received his reliable glare in return. "But in exchange, I will win this game."

"Cheeky brat." Levi pointed at her side of the board, signalling her to begin. She did so with pleasure.

For a few turns, there was nothing but silence and the dull tap of the pieces they moved as they tried to figure out each other's patterns.

His style of play had his name written all over it: aggressive, effective and efficient. No nonsense, no flourish, yet not always predictable. A dangerous opponent, in short.

But the real world wasn't always like chess.

About halfway through the game, she made a move she knew three different suitable responses to, watching with great curiosity. Levi reacted as he did each turn: his frown deepened almost imperceptibly, he thought briefly, then made his move. He was always quicker than her.

When he now chose his knight—one of the three viable options—a triumphant little ha sound escaped her. "I knew you'd do that." She had no idea why reading him correctly was so bloody satisfying—going beyond the fact that it gave her an edge in the game.

The deepening of his frown was considerably more noticeable this time. "Shut up and focus."

Focus? Oh, she could do that alright. "You'll regret that."

And they resumed their game, again barely speaking save for the occasional snide remark. She truly was calmer now, she realised—and she seemed to not be the only one, if Levi's relaxed posture was any indicator. The man could say about himself what he wanted; fact was that he worried about her, fact was that she didn't deserve it. Fact was that he was saving her again, as he always did, as only he could.

Wait—she was supposed to focus; she couldn't let him have this one, too. No mercy.

"Why the hell would you sacrifice your—" He caught on quickly, but not quickly enough, saw what fate awaited his queen. "Ah. Shit."

Dignified as she was, Nora held in her diabolic cackle. After that manoeuvre, it wasn't long before it was over.

"Yes," she said, flicking Levi's king off the board. "Finally something I can beat you at."

His mien was exceptionally sour. "Tsk. Don't act as if you aren't generally better at brainy stuff."

What was he thinking? That reading and research were all there was to it? "I don't necessarily agree. I just like it better."

"Stop being so thick-headed and accept that you're brilliant, brat."

Anger spiked through her without preamble, not exclusively directed at him. Brilliant? She didn't feel brilliant. He'd called her that before, but it had never been as misplaced as now. Was she intelligent? Maybe. Could she do anything useful with it, for example be rational and get her shit together? Big No on that one.

"Fine, I'm brilliant." Nora's voice was clipped, devoid of anything but sarcasm. I'm so fucking brilliant that I have entirely unproductive nervous breakdowns in the middle of the night.

When she looked at Levi, his expression had changed, gaze sharp, jaw etched with tension. It was as if he'd been listening to her thoughts. He'd read her masterfully.

"You saw it, this time," he said suddenly, startling her. "You were right there, you saw it happen, and yet you couldn't prevent Connie's death." There was no sympathy, no sorrow, no reproach in his voice. Only fact that hit the nail on the head.

Nora swallowed twice before answering. "Yeah. Nice summary."

"And we had to leave the body. Again."

He was asking questions without asking questions. Guessing, reading her, trying to decipher the puzzle that was her pitiful misery.

"Sometimes I think about it... But you know I don't really care about that stuff. It makes no difference." She met his eyes, made short work of any misconceptions because they bugged her and because it ultimately shouldn't be big news. "It's not mainly Connie."

First, there was realisation, then there was that look again; stony, tense, impossible to say if it was simple disapproval or something else. She recognised it immediately, even though she had done her best to forget it. He'd looked like that when Ayad had, weeks ago, mentioned her behaviour while Levi had been bleeding out on the airship floor.

He knew. More than he should.

"Did... Hange talk to you, after you woke up?" If she weren't such a coward, she would have asked back then, and not only now when she could hardly avoid the subject any longer.

"Yeah," he said calmly, his still stony eyes glued to her face.

Shit. How could he still say he respected her? Why wasn't he telling her that this was too much, that she was too much, that they were too much? Why did he not make her leave? When she was too weak, especially compared to how strong he'd been in a very similar situation.

"I almost broke you. I'm breaking you." His voice was deep and still so factual—but something was off, if she wasn't fantasising. She couldn't put her finger on it. Maybe it was the tone, slightly rougher than normal, or maybe it was not quite as steady.

One corner of her mouth pulled into a lopsided, wry smile. If he stated it so bluntly, she saw no sense in denying it. "It's all good. Without you, I would have broken long ago."

"It's not good, you nutcase." But he said it uncharacteristically gently, and he made no further attempt to argue. All of a sudden, she could see all the lines of exhaustion around his eyes again. "You gonna give Hange hell, now?"

"No. I'm too tired of this shit. I suppose she meant well. Unfortunately, there were enough witnesses, and clearly—" She pointed at the bathroom door. "—it's not like I could hide it, anyway." Another time with witnesses came to mind then—where she hadn't been one of them. After a short hesitation, she admitted, "Plus, it would be a little hypocritical. She told me some things, too, after I woke up on the Wall of Shiganshina. There wasn't as much to tell, but still…"

She had never seen him cry; and yet he had, that once, during the time they'd known each other—if Hange and Armin were to be believed. Again, Nora had been in no state to witness it.

And that was one of those things you had to see for yourself in order to really believe them.

"There's nothing left to hide there, either." Levi put the chessboard to the side, brought his hands to the sides of her jaw. "You almost broke me, as well."

A full-body shiver overwhelmed her, her heart contracting. Lids falling shut—it was too much, he was too intense, this close—she whispered, "Nothing can break you."

"I thought so, too, once. I thought everything that had happened to me had made sure of that. I thought I had made sure of that. I was a moron." At his tone—so unexpectedly warm and full—she opened her eyes again, and saw. Was back to that beautiful, frightening night of her birthday, on the beach.

But she knew him, and right now, better than he knew himself. "You'd keep on fighting. You will always fight, for as long as it's needed."

"Yes. What would be left of me would fight." His thumbs drew soft circles on her cheek. "So would you."

Cold fear threatened to crush her lungs. She would have laughed, except she had to ration what air she had left. "Probably not for long, though."

His thumbs stilled and his expression turned to stone again. Despite the anger every inch of him emanated, he did not move, did not let go of her. But he wouldn't let her see him, either.

"Levi, you are still the best thing that has ever happened to me." Evidently, it needed to be clarified. She had never said it back, had she? Why, she knew, and it seemed she had learnt at least a little from her mistakes.

"Yeah, that bar isn't exactly high," he scoffed.

"I could say the same to you."

"Where the bar was before doesn't make a difference."

Heart fluttering, she only gave him a raised-brow look that said same here. Then, she covered his hands on her face with hers, and whispered, because she felt he needed the reminder, "No regrets, right? Not ever, and definitely not about this." She gave his hands a squeeze.

Just like two years ago, despite everything that had happened in the meantime, he answered, "No regrets."

And they sealed their agreement with a kiss, tinged with a sense of finality Nora couldn't shake.

AN: Now at least some of the emotional constipation is resolved. That's something, right? (I'm sorry for liking to torture you.)