AN: First of all, so sorry for the delay in posting this! The last couple of weeks have been a hectic mix of preparing for the holidays and our upcoming trip across the Atlantic to visit my family for the holidays. Plus, these next few chapters are really important to me and I struggled to get it the way I wanted. But you guys left some of the most encouraging, heartfelt reviews. It gave me all the warm fuzzies. I'd like to make a shoutout to guest reviewer Heron, in particular, who left several thoughtful reviews that were so motivating. I can tell we would have a lot of fun discussing the Cullens!
Anyways, I had originally planned for this chapter to be longer. But our departure is in three days and I still haven't packed, so I wanted to at least get something posted! I may not get a chance to write much for the next couple of weeks. Though if I'm honest it has just been so much fun that I may not be able to stay away!
Happy Holidays and happy reading!
Chapter 10
Carlisle's POV
Bella continued her story, recounting how the Volturi guard had spirited her away from the side of a Forks highway. That is, everything she could remember. It sounded as though the shock from her injuries and the Volturi's arrival had caused her to lose consciousness as soon as Demitri had taken hold of her. It made me nauseous to think of her in their hands and I had to remind myself that she was no longer in danger.
When she got to the part of the story detailing their arrival in Volterra and her confrontation with Aro, her words became more hesitant, her posture withdrawn.
"He wanted to know how I knew they were vampires. He wanted me to tell him who was guilty of breaking their most important law. I tried to act oblivious at first; I know now that Aro saw through my attempts right away. He watched me squirm as I scrambled to avoid saying what he wanted to hear." At this Bella's jaw clenched in anger, the words forced out between her teeth. Her disgust of Aro was clearly visible on her face. "I tried to distract him, to change the subject. He had mentioned that I intrigued him so I tried to get him to elaborate on that instead. But he could tell what I was doing."
I could picture it clearly. Aro's scheming words, his subtle threats. After a millennia of maintaining order in the vampire world he was well-practiced at getting what he wanted.
Her voice became so quiet that a human would have missed her next words, "I should have just told him. Then he wouldn't have had to use you that way, Carlisle." Her eyes hardened as she remembered Aro's leering face, his glee at having tricked the information he wanted from her. My own eyes closed briefly as I recalled the experience. During my own stay in Volterra centuries before, I had seen Jane execute her power on more than one occasion. I had witnessed how, over time, she gleaned more and more satisfaction from watching her victims suffer. It had been reason enough to warrant my weariness upon arriving in the chamber this time around. Esme walked over and stood at my side, squeezing my hand. I chose my words carefully, wanting desperately to reassure Bella.
"Bella. You were standing before one of the most gifted manipulators I have ever met. When Aro sets his mind to something he is ruthless in achieving the end he seeks. From the moment you spoke Edward's name back in Forks, Aro was almost sure of our family's role in your obvious knowledge of our existence. But though he is manipulative, he is rigid in his application of justice. He would not condemn you without an admission or clear proof. It would set a worrisome precedent for maintaining his control over the vampire world. Usually, he would be able to see the evidence in the thoughts of the person before him. A touch of his hand and he could see every incriminating thought they had ever had. But your mind was silent to him. And that pushed him to use other tactics."
I paused, letting Bella process everything that I had said so far. Her face had paled at the mention of Edward's name. But she nodded mutely, motioning for me to continue.
"I will not lie to you and say that it was nothing, what Jane did. The pain of her electrifying power is like nothing I've experienced since my own transformation. But it is purely psychological. There is no lasting damage inflicted on the body. As soon as she reigns her power in, the physical pain disappears." Her eyes began to water and I worried I was going at this the wrong way. But I wanted her to know that I saw her as an equal, that I was not going to censor myself out of fear of her not being able to handle it. If anything, the past few days had proved that she could handle most anything the world, whether the mortal or immortal one, threw her way.
"I do not blame you for what Jane did to me. You were willing to subject yourself to who knows what in order to protect myself and my family. I could never be anything but indebted to you, Bella. And fiercely proud."
She remained skeptical. "Proud? But I fell for his trap. I gave you away. You could have died, Carlisle."
I thought for a moment on how best to word what I wanted to say; I was hesitant to scare her but determined to get my point across and free her of the guilt she harbored. "You said that Aro told you he had ways of getting the truth from you, even without his mind-reading ability." She nodded, and my voice softened in an attempt to temper the sinister words that would come next. "Bella, you can not imagine the things I have seen him do, to vampire and human alike, to get what he wants." Bella shivered involuntarily. "There is no doubt in my mind that he would have done everything in his power to get you to implicate me. So if suffering at the hand of Jane for a few seconds is my sacrifice to protect you from his more sadistic inclinations, I would willingly do it again. Every time."
Understanding bloomed across her face; her eyes widened and her pulse began to race. Her body suddenly sensed the threat that her adrenaline had masked since her arrival in Volterra. She had at last realized how much danger she had truly been in. How close it had come to a much more painful outcome. Climbing down from her spot on the stool she walked in a daze around the kitchen island to stand in front of me. She took a tentative look at my face before hugging me tightly with her good arm.
"Thank you, Carlisle."
I smiled, relieved that she appeared to have released some of the guilt that had weighed on her so heavily since seeing me crumble to the floor at Aro's feet.
"Of course, Bella."
Bella's POV
Carlisle's speech had left me at a loss for words. My imagination had gone into overdrive, conjuring up all manner of terrifying possibilities that might have happened to me if he had not come to Volterra. All I could think to do was hug him. I hoped he would sense my earnest gratitude, even if all I could sputter out was a simple 'thank you'.
Having heard the sincerity in his voice, and the intensity with which he told me he would do it all over again to protect me, something shifted inside of me. Things that I had assumed to be true these last few months now felt harder to swallow. If Carlisle and Esme hadn't wanted me to join the family, why would they be going through all this trouble to watch out for me now? That is, unless they hadn't wanted to leave me behind back in September after all? Carlisle and Esme were here; they were here and they obviously cared for me. They weren't here out of guilt or obligation. At least I didn't think so. A tiny flicker of hope came to life in that gaping hole inside my chest. No larger than the flame of a matchstick, but enough to give me a taste of what could be. Regardless of what Edward had said, of what he felt, I began to believe that his family did not feel the same way. Or at least some of them didn't.
It seemed too good to be true. I stepped back from Carlisle. He and Esme watched me expectantly. Concern evident in their eyes, unsure of how I was handling the information he had shared with me.
"So he really means it, then, doesn't he? Aro will check to see if we follow through?" I was sure of the answer but I needed to hear it from Carlisle anyways.
He held my gaze, his eyes softening as he nodded. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I do not doubt for a minute his intentions to send the guard to verify that you have been changed." His expression was remorseful; he clasped my hands in both of his. It was how I pictured he would announce bad news to a patient or their family. I suppose in some ways he was. "I am so sorry. If I had thought there was any chance of convincing him otherwise, I would have done whatever I had to."
So this was it, then. On the surface level I had accepted what was going to happen. Of course I could remember a time when this was all I had begged Edward for, how I had questioned his decision to stop what had been put in motion by James's attack. Strangely enough, the pain of the transformation itself did not scare me. I could remember the burn of the bite in the ballet studio. Maybe I was naive. But the hollowness that had haunted me these last few months had been more unbearable than any physical pain I had yet to experience, even the burn of venom. It was what came after the change that terrified me. The post-transformation future was still murky. It seemed as though Carlisle and Esme would want me to stay. Edward may be off enjoying his 'distractions' now, but he would want to come home eventually. And what would happen to me then? If it was true that he did not love me anymore I knew it would be impossible for me to remain and feign indifference. Maybe it would be best if I separated from the Cullens after all. Even if the thought of doing so made me feel sick.
I glanced up and saw Esme was watching me with a worried look on her face, "You've gone pale, Bella. Why don't you come sit down."
"Are you in pain? Would you like some more of the painkillers?" Carlisle disappeared for a second and then reappeared with the medicine he'd given me the day before. I allowed them to steer me towards the living room where I sat down in one of the leather chairs in front of the fireplace. My eyes staring into the crackling flames. I suddenly felt anxious to just get it over with, to show the Volturi I was no longer a threat. At least not a human one. Then I could figure out how I would navigate my new life, alone, freeing the Cullens of the burden of another newborn vampire.
"Thanks." I threw the pills into my mouth and chased them down with the glass of water Esme handed me. "Though I guess it won't make much of a difference soon anyways. Where do you want to do this? I'm assuming it won't really matter to me once all is said and done. That way we'll have a couple of days before the Volturi arrive. Is that enough time for you to teach me what I need to know? Show me to hunt? That way once they come and see that I am one of you, they can report back to Aro. Perhaps I will give the nomad thing a try for a while. I know it will be an adjustment but maybe the fact I know what I am getting into will help me adapt more quickly? Then I won't have to impose much longer." As soon as I started talking my panic set in and I was unable to stop. The longer I rambled on, the more confused their expressions became.
Carlisle spoke first, "There is no rush, Bella. We have a few days before we need to start the change. And I am sure the others would like to see you first, if you're willing."
"Plus," Esme added, "you are not imposing on us Bella. We want you here with us. We never should have left you in the first place. And now, we would never force you to leave." Upon hearing her words, the spark that had ignited inside me earlier tried to grow and push back against the darkness in my chest. But the depression that had taken root in me was relentless, blowing out breath after breath to try and extinguish the hope their words were weaving.
How could they say these things knowing how Edward felt? Couldn't they see how uncomfortable it would be to have us both living under the same roof? I took a deep breath and felt my lungs expand against my still healing ribs, a grimace crossing my face. I couldn't bring myself to look at them as I spoke, the love in their eyes so genuine. And so terrifying. I couldn't bear to gain it back now only to lose it again in a few days. "The thing is, he will come home eventually. And now that I know how he really felt, I'm sure my presence here will not be a happy surprise." There was no need to specify who "he" was.
At their bewildered looks, I continued, "Thank you, for everything. I don't know what I did to deserve you both. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't stay here, in this house, with him. Not after what he told me. It would be unbearable." My words had gotten quieter and quieter as I spoke. The tiny flame inside of me flickering dangerously. The darkness closing in on it once more.
It felt like several minutes passed before Carlisle spoke softly, "Bella, what exactly did Edward say to you when we left?"