Ch 5: A Way Back

"Let's see… first off, I'll have you guys introduce yourselves."

"Introduce ourselves? What should we say?"

"Your likes, dislikes, your future dream, hobbies, things like that," Kakashi said, shrugging nonchalantly. "Why don't we start with you first."

"My name is Uzumaki Naruto. I like instant ramen, but what I like even more is the ramen from Ichiraku! What I dislike is the three minutes you have to wait for the noodles after you pour hot water. My hobby is eating and comparing ramen. And my future dream is to surpass the Hokage!"

"My, my, you've grown in an interesting way. Okay. Next!"

"I'm Haruno Sakura. What I like… I mean, who I like is… and my hobby is… my future dream is…" the girl couldn't complete a thought without breaking into a fit of squeals.

"Okay… I guess. And lastly?"

"My name is... Uchiha Sasuke. I have lots of dislikes, but no likes in particular. And… I don't feel like summing up my ambition as just a dream, but I do have two ambitions; the ambition to restore my clan and without fail… to kill a certain man."

Sasuke carried Karin for a few miles until he found one of the monk monasteries in Fire country. He trudged up the steps to their massive door, footsteps slow and heavy, panting from the exhaustion and wound in his side.

His clothes were soaked through and so were Karin's, adding an extra ten pounds of water weight that felt like one hundred. He shivered in misery, struggling to keep his eyes open.

He didn't get a chance to speak with anyone before he felt himself passing out.

X

Sasuke had no idea if it was the next day or the next week.

He just knew that he was still somehow alive. If this had been the Fire Temple, he would have been captured before he could mutter the words of his surrender. This meant he'd found one of the other monasteries, run by the passives with no interest in hidden village politics.

Calming chants echoed from the far end of the chamber where the monks practiced their meditation, adding an ethereal holiness to this mysterious place.

It was so warm and comfortable.

His eyes only wanted to open halfway, with no strength for full consciousness. His body lay there unmoving, unresponsive to his commands.

Maybe just a little more rest.

X

Karin.

Sasuke jolted awake.

He found himself on a floor mat in the corner of a common area with a very high ceiling, the sun beaming brightly on him through the open doors.

There was a wrinkled bed sheet at his feet. He automatically reached to the side of his stomach where he remembered his wound, but found nothing. His usual attire had been replaced with a loose robe. He was well-rested. And he wasn't in pain—except that his arms and neck and shoulders were stiff as hell.

So they'd taken care of him. What about Karin?

One of the monks approached. He was small and bony, with some type of symbol running from his forehead to the back of his bald head. His maroon robe was draped over his shoulder like a giant sheet, leaving one arm bare.

The monk started to make hand gestures. Sasuke quickly learned that he was at a silent monastery.

He didn't know how, but he was able to pick up bits and pieces of the gestures and sew together the story. They'd given him whatever was left of their medicine, which they happened to possess because the monastery sometimes received gifts from grateful travelers. But the monk also warned that they weren't advanced enough to treat shinobi injuries and regretfully informed Sasuke that his entire right side—the injured side—had blockages in qi.

Based on the fact that he couldn't feel or channel any chakra on his right side, Sasuke understood. He was still too weak to move at his fullest and he'd need to avoid battle until somebody could take a look, likely a shinobi medic.

He heard the soft clicking of sandals again. It was a second monk, even smaller and older than the first, bringing Sasuke some water and a bowl of porridge.

He took the items and bowed his head in respect and gratitude. When he spoke, his tone was soft, despite how impatient he was. "The woman—is she okay?"

They gave him a mixed expression of sympathy and apology, and the prickle of worry began to build in Sasuke's body.

Wasn't he more injured than she was? And if she was, why hadn't she healed herself? He couldn't remember a time when she wasn't able to.

Finally, they nodded yes. She was.

The monks gestured to the corridors and looked back at Sasuke.

Ah.

Women's quarters were most likely off limits to men, so they were apologizing because he wouldn't be able to see her right away.

Sasuke relaxed. He looked down at the bowl in his lap, and then to the fireplace where he heard the monks praying for the past few days.

Now that his immediate worries were assured, Sasuke had time to actually think about what he and Karin were going to do next. The closer they got to Konoha, the antsier he became. There were too many unknowns and they still had yet to discuss logistics.

Getting through the front gates would be a challenge in itself. Then they'd have to deal with the Hokage's monstrous strength and bad temper. Karin was an outsider, and Konoha was generally distrustful towards them—especially those affiliated with Orochimaru. Lastly, Sasuke didn't know if Naruto could ever forgive him for what happened the last time they ran into each other.

"So you finally decided to wake up," a voice said in a harsh whisper. "I was getting bored."

Sasuke looked behind him. Low and behold—Karin. Clearly, she was fine.

"We'll leave today," he said.

Sasuke got up and began to roll up his mat. It hurt to move, but he managed to withstand enough of the pain to tidy up his sleeping area out of respect for the monks. He was just about to reach for his cleaned clothes hanging on a clothesline when—

"I'm not going with you."

He stopped. He had to tilt his head so that his ear was closer to her, because he wasn't sure if he heard correctly.

"I can't go to Konoha with you, Sasuke. Not anymore."

So he had heard correctly. But he still didn't understand.

"I can never be who you want me to be. I—"

"Karin." Sasuke held up his hand, cutting her off. "Shut up." He didn't need to hear any more because he already knew what she was going to say. She was having one of her insecure moments and he didn't have time for it. "You're the only reason why we're going to Konoha. Go get your things."

He expected to hear her footsteps trail off to the corridors where she start packing, but he heard nothing.

The redhead stayed put. "Sasuke. I'm not going."

Now she was getting on his nerves.

Now, when they were almost at their destination, of course she would become difficult and throw her version of a fit. But he wasn't going to deal with it.

"And where would you go," he said with the intonation more a statement than a question. "Is there somewhere else you need to be?"

Irritated at his condescending tone, her tone shifted. "The hell you care. It was a mistake for me to hope that things would change. I see that now."

Here we go again.

"I've told you before Karin. I can't give you what you want."

"And I'm not asking you to," she snapped.

Her voice sent an unintended echo and she nervously looked around, realizing that a group of monks had glanced in their direction and could probably hear their private discussion.

Speaking more quietly, she continued, "You want me to stick around. But stay distant. To devote my life to your goals. But keep my heart out of it." Her left hand and right hand animated the contradictions side by side.

"It's easy for you to say," she said. "You're not attached—"

"I'm attached," Sasuke said, loudly and flatly emphasizing the word. "You made sure of that," he added as he eyed her stomach.

Karin put her hands on her hips and shifted her weight. "You know what I mean."

Sasuke decided that this would be the end of the conversation. It had already dragged on for too long, pointlessly.

"We'll talk about it on the way. Konoha is the safest place for you. They'll accept you quickly, as the mother to an Uchiha," he said, turning around to face her.

Karin's eyes softened and she had to look away. Her shoulders slumped and she grabbed her elbows with opposite hands, as if a weakness had suddenly overcame her. She dropped her head and her lips began to tremble. "Sasuke…"

Had he said something to upset her?

She was barely audible, his name escaping her lips in a mere whisper. As she took a breath to steady herself, he leaned in to hear what she had to say.

"I lost the baby."

She suddenly looked much more frail than he remembered her to be as she looked at him through watery eyes.

"It was during the fight. When I woke up, the monks showed me..."

Sasuke understood, and made the connection to the apologetic look on the monks' faces earlier—they knew. They were sorry because they knew he'd lost his child. He felt a pang of guilt and regret and sadness growing in his own body, and moved forward to envelop Karin in his arms.

She buried her head into his shoulder. "I'm sorry Sasuke I—"

"Don't. "

She shouldn't blame herself. He reflected about how hard it must've been for her, to be constantly rejected by him. He always assumed her feelings would fade away and she'd inevitably lose the interest to stay. But she stuck by his side, always.

He could feel her eyes wetting his shirt and the jagged movement of her back between breaths. The gloom in him grew exponentially as his feelings finally started to catch up to him, as he began to fully comprehend what he'd lost.

"I'm going," she said, gently lifting herself from his chest. She took off her glasses and wiped away the fog with the edge of her shirt. When she looked at him, her tears had been replaced with a look of determination. She then smiled sadly, and brought a hand up to stroke his face. "I need to do this. For me."

He realized that she was talking about leaving him. That she wasn't asking for permission. That she didn't need his approval. That he had no say in the matter.

"Karin—I…"

His first instinct was to tell her to stay, because she didn't have anywhere else to go. Despite whatever she thought, Karin was not a dispensable tool to him. He valued her.

But wasn't he the one who just said he couldn't give her what she wanted?

Asking her to stay was selfish. It was only fair for her to get a chance to find happiness, because up until now, she'd sacrificed everything for him. For his happiness.

Karin took another step towards him, this time lifting her chin so that her face became close to his.

He didn't move, knowing that this was probably the last time they'd cross paths in a while.

She planted a soft kiss on the corner of his mouth. "I will love you, always."

Sasuke laid on his back staring at the ceiling, thinking about the events in his life that brought him to this point.

Did he still need to go to Konoha?

He thought no. So he trekked in the opposite direction, towards River Country, where he and Karin had originally come from.

And that's when his feelings hit him like a truck.

He spent the first night shit-faced drunk.

He spent the next night drunker than that.

Then he snapped out of his uncharacteristic self-pitying mode—he didn't even like alcohol—and admitted that Karin was never the root of why he decided to go back to Konoha in the first place.

That brought him to the third night, when he reversed all of his actions from the first two nights, and found himself in Fire country all over again.

He was just procrastinating. Why?

Because for the first time in his life, Sasuke was nervous.

Once upon a time, he naïvely believed that in order to be strong, he had to sever ties with anyone he cared about. And that was okay with him at the time, because killing Itachi was his only goal.

No one understood. Anytime he tried to explain himself to Kakashi, Sakura, and Naruto, they'd hear "Orochimaru" and shut him down completely. But as long as he could be strong, it didn't matter.

But then it did.

Like that time—when he killed his best friend.

It was years ago when he and Karin ran into Naruto.

They were talking. Not in the way that friends or enemies did, but shinobi to shinobi. About philosophy. While almost all their encounters after he left Konoha had been... less than cordial at best—his own fault, they'd long outgrown the urge to fight on first instinct.

But it was different that time. Sasuke finally got through to Naruto, who accepted the possibility that it really was Sasuke's destiny to fulfill what he'd promised to do ever since they were twelve. Admittedly, Naruto was also able to get Sasuke to see things differently too, and they briefly entertained the idea of a future in Konoha if Sasuke ever returned.

But Akatsuki interrupted the encounter. His older brother appeared for the first time in years. In a moment of blind rage, Sasuke took things too far. He actually killed Naruto.

Or so he thought. It wasn't until later when Sasuke learned that his friend had survived.

He hadn't seen Naruto since.

In the daytime, Sasuke could find distractions in the sounds and motions of everything around him. He could forget his mistakes and live in the present moment.

But the quiet always came. And Sasuke would do exactly this—think about his old friends and imagine a different life where he was forgiven. It was too late in this life, he knew. His friends had stopped chasing him. No longer did he have to swat their offers of friendships away—they no longer offered them.

He did his best to rebuild another team like Team 7. Team Hebi came close. They all came to respect each other, and at times they even risked their lives to protect each other. Sasuke thought they were the real deal. But even after all their talk about valuing friendships and commitments, when he thought he could actually trust them, Suigetsu and Jugo fell back into their old habits.

One night, in the Land of Iron, they tried to kill Sasuke in his sleep.

They weren't successful, but Sasuke later found out that a bounty hunter had offered them a hefty sum of quick cash in return for his head. It was a great disappointment to learn that his loyalty and friendship had a price.

He had no choice but to abandon them. They never contacted him again.

A far cry from his teammates from Team 7. Sasuke never met anyone who measured up to his original teammates, except maybe Karin, but now she'd moved on, understandably.

She was just a band-aid.

For all his younger years touting how he needed to be alone to get his revenge, Sasuke eventually learned that being alone was worse than dying. Severing ties made him weak in the uphill battle against a world-class secret organization like Akatsuki.

And he realized that if he wanted a way back, he would have to try.

Going home would be now or never.

To be continued...