TW: Death of a young child. The section with this is in italics if you want to skip it.
As a general warning, this is kind of a rough chapter. I wrote it after rewatching the first episode last night.
"But love, love will tear us apart again" - Love Will Tear Us Apart Again - Joy Division, 1980
"You mumble in your sleep," Ellie's voice wakes me up. I keep my eyes closed, but I can hear Joel shift on the couch. "I've never been on the other side of the wall. Look how dark it is."
She somehow manages to sound both excited and scared at the same time.
"You guys go out there a lot?" Ellie asks.
"I guess," Joel finally speaks.
"When was the last time?" Joel sighs.
"Maybe a year? What's it matter?"
"But you know where to go," Ellie says quickly. "So we're gonna be okay."
"Yeah," Joel says. I hear the couch shift but I don't hear his boots move across the floor, so I keep my eyes closed. I don't know when I'll be able to rest next. I don't know what we're going to do. What's going to happen?
I just know I want to keep Ellie alive.
"So what's the deal with you anyways?" Joel asks this time. "You some kinda big wig's daughter or somethin'?"
"Somethin' like that," Ellie says and I fight the urge to smirk.
"Oh, the radio came on when you were sleeping," Ellie says. From the tilt to her voice, I can tell she's trying hard not to smile. It sounds just like it did when she tried not to laugh while telling me a joke from her joke book.
"What?" Joel asks. "What was the song?"
"He kept saying something like 'wake me up before you go-go?"
"Shit," Joel says under his breath.
"Gotcha," Ellie says. "Eighties means trouble."
"Code broken," she says, sounding so proud of herself. I hear Joel stand from the couch and put a hand on my gun.
"Listen-"
The door clicks and then opens. I open my eyes to see Tess walk into the room. She drops her bag on the dining table as she looks at Joel.
"The spot under Lancaster looks good," she says before she looks at Ellie. "Put on your jacket, it's time to go."
As Joel and Tess work to get ready to leave, I stand from my spot on the floor and turn back to Ellie. She slips on her jacket and I smile down at her.
"You're such a little shit, but that was good," I whisper.
"You suck at faking that you're sleeping," she says. She slips her backpack on before turning back to me. "And I know. I'm gonna be a comic when I grow up."
We just look at each other for a second.
And then we both laugh.
"This sucks," Ellie mutters.
"No shit," I whisper behind her. The tunnels under the QZ were the worst, no matter what it was like outside. But after a rain? They're hell on Earth.
"Mandatory curfew to fight infection and insurrection," the robotic voice repeats over our heads. The sound is muffled from being underground. It does nothing to make it any less annoying. And frightening.
"Stop here," Tess whispers. We follow her command as Joel starts shifting something. One second we're in complete darkness, and the next there's a bit of light filtering through. Joel gets out easily and I feel Ellie hesitate.
I rest my hand on her shoulder and push her forward gently. She takes a small step, and then another, and then she's climbing out of the hole herself. I follow her next, Joel is still crouched next to the hole but doesn't offer to help me up. I crouch down, a couple feet away when I see Ellie start to stand.
"Holy shit, I'm actually outside!"
Tess and I both pull her down at the same time.
"Jesus Christ!"
"Oh shit!" Ellie says once she's crouched with us.
"Okay," Tess says after looking around. "We're going to take the left edge around the buffer zone, stay close and follow my lead."
Ellie and I both nod. Ellie looks over at me and I hold my finger over my mouth, before I whisper, "Not a word." She looks at me for a second before she nods. I've never asked Ellie to be quiet before. I just hope that she listens.
The next few minutes are tense. We crawl through the buffer zone silently. Dodging helicopters and the lights is easy. I force myself to breathe evenly as we walk through the small corrugated tunnel.
I hear Ellie's breath stop when lights almost hit us once we're out of the tunnel and I grab onto her hand and squeeze. She takes a shaky breath and closes her eyes for a brief moment, she squeezes my hand.
But then the next second she's already moving behind Tess, her hand slipping from my own.
"What the hell? Hey! D-dont move!" A FEDRA officer calls and I freeze. "You gotta be shitting me," he says when we all hold our hands up. I feel sick when he moves the visor that covers his face.
His face is one I'll never forget.
"Let's talk this out-" Joel tries to say but the office moves his gun.
"Turn around and get on your knees. Get on your fucking knees!" I mechanically follow his instructions. I'm on one side of Ellie while Joel is on the other.
I can't even listen to what they're saying as he scans Tess and then Joel with the FEDRA scanner. My hand moves for my gun as he gets closer to Ellie, but she beats me to it.
She stabs the officer in his leg.
"Fuckin' bitch!" The officer yells. He pulls her knife out of his leg and throws it on the ground before he turns his gun on Ellie. I'm in front of her in an instant, but Joel is even faster as he stands in front of me.
"Woah, woah," he says as the bright light shines on us. "We can fix this."
"Move," the officer says. I can't see him well, but I can see his eyes. They're crazed, just like they were before. My vision starts to fade and I try to focus on my breathing but it doesn't work.
The memory pulls me under.
"Miss Charlotte!" A young girl yells as she runs into the clinic.
"Hey honey, I'm sorry but I'm just-"
"Aiden fell outside! He scraped his knee on the sidewalk bad!"
"I'm on my way," I say easily as I grab my emergency bag. The kids always play rough outside, but they always watch out for Aiden for me. All of them come home with scrapes and bruises daily, none of them have come to get me before.
Panic wells in my throat, but I force myself to remain calm in front of the little girl that holds onto my shirt tightly.
"Mommy!" I hear Aiden cry. The little girl releases my shirt and I run over to him.
"Hey buddy," I whisper to him. His dark brown eyes are filled with tears as he looks up at me. He hiccups between his cries as he clutches onto me for dear life. "What happened?"
"We-we were playing hockey," one of the other kids says. "I didn't see him, I'm sorry!"
"It's okay, sweetie." I smile down at Aiden as I answer the other kid. "We'll clean you up and then head home, that sound good?" I ask as I run my hand through his short curly hair.
"Yeah," Aiden nods his head against my chest.
"Alright, let's see this scrape," I say as I pull him away. It's bright red and bleeding a little, but it's nothing too bad. I carefully pull out some of the debris before I put some antiseptic on his scrape.
"Ow!" He whines as he thunks his head against me, his body flinching away from the alcohol.
"I know baby, but it'll feel better after I put this ointment on, okay?" I ask as I grab it from my bag. He nods his head against me as I start to rub ointment on the scrape. "You're doing such a good job," I tell him quietly as some of the other kids start moving to give us space.
"Now, let's put a nice bandage on this, okay?" I ask and he nods again.
"Thank you mommy," Aiden whispers as I finish taping the gauze to his knee.
"You're welcome, sweetheart."
"Step away!" A voice yells. I look up to see a FEDRA officer with his gun pointed at us.
"What?" I yell back as the kids start running from us.
"Step away!" I look from him back to my baby and I feel my throat close up.
"He scraped his knee while playing!" I yell. "He's not infected, throw me the scanner!" The officer looks sick as he fumbles for the scanner. But I hear a bang and then a sound no mother wants to hear.
My son's pained scream. This isn't the scream of a scrape or a childish injury.
I look up to see another officer, the smoke wafting into the air from his gun. His eyes are crazed. I hear another cry and look away.
When I look down, I forget everything.
"He fell while playing!" Someone yells.
"Jesus Christ that's just a toddler!"
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"He's four!" I hear a small voice yell. The little girl from earlier screams at the FEDRA officers. "He fell while we were playing hockey, I got his mom to help him!" She starts to sob and I feel like water crashes over me.
My entire body goes cold as I start trying to save him. My hands shake violently as I pull out the tourniquet, but it's too small for his arms.
"You're going to be okay, baby," I say, but it doesn't quiet his cries.
"Hurts mommy!"
"I know baby, I know. Just stay with me, okay?" I know it's too late when I see his eyes. I still try anyways. I try tying gauze around as a makeshift tourniquet but he's lost too much blood already.
"Mommy," he sobs and holds his arms up for me. I drop all the supplies and pull him into my lap, rocking him back and forth.
"It's okay, sweetie. I love you so much."
"I love you too, mommy-"
"Ugh!" I blink slowly, my eyes adjusting to the scene in front of me.
Joel is beating the FEDRA officer. Badly. His fist connects with the man's face multiple times before I look over to see Ellie watching. Her eyes are wide and she steps closer but I pull her back and tuck her face into my neck.
"But-" she tries to say.
"No," I say firmly. She stops trying to fight me as I hold the back of her head in place. My fingers weave into her hair as my other hand rests on her upper back.
And then I watch.
Each punch.
Each blow.
It's clear when it's the final one. Joel heaves above the man. I don't know what it was that triggered him to do what he's just done. And I hate him for doing that in front of a child.
But in the deepest part of my chest and mind. I'm happy.
Because that man just died a painful death. And he deserved every blow he got.
I relax my hold on Ellie when I hear Tess move nearby.
"No!" Ellie says. "No, no, I'm not sick!" I look between her and Tess and grimace when I see the red light on the FEDRA scanner.
"Joel! Joel!" Tess calls.
"Look, I'm not sick!" Ellie yells as she desperately lifts her sleeve. "This is three weeks old! Nobody lasts more than a day. Does this look a day old to you? You would've killed me!"
"I should fucking kill you!" Tess yells. "When did it happen?"
"It doesn't matter, you're just going to have to trust me. They're going to catch us if we don't run!"
A siren pierces the air and Tess grabs onto Ellie.
"Come on, we've got to move, Joel!" Tess says as she pulls Ellie away. I look over to see Joel reach down for the man's gun before he follows them. I reach down and grab Ellie's knife and wipe the blood off on the officer's pants.
I don't fight the urge.
As I stand, I stomp on his face. When I move my foot, my one size too small boot leaves a clear imprint on his face. I nod to myself before I wipe the blood from the boot off on his pants as well. I grab the scanner from the ground and slip it in my bag.
And then I run to catch up with the others.
"Where the hell were you?" Ellie asks when I get back to them. She forces her way out of the death grip that Tess has on her shirt to run to me.
"You forgot this," I say as I hold up her switchblade. Her eyes widen as she takes it from me.
"Thanks," she says as she shoves it in her pocket.
"Good job back there, by the way." Tess makes a strangled noise in the back of her throat as I ruffle Ellie's hair. "Do it again when someone else can take care of you and you're grounded for a month."
Ellie's mouth drops open.
"You can't ground me," she finally says. I smile down at her.
"Try me."
"Go sleep, Ellie," I nod towards the grass on the side of the room.
"But-"
"You need your rest."
"Fine," she grumbles. The next few minutes are tense as Tess and Joel sit down in the only chairs in the building, facing Ellie. She turns on her side, so she doesn't notice how Joel has his gun trained on her.
I wait to hear her soft snores before I speak.
"What would your brother say if he knew you had your gun on a kid?" I hear the gun move before I see it aimed at me. "It was just a question."
"Yeah, well I've got a question for you," Tess says as I sit in the grass in front of them. "What in the hell are you Fireflies doing with an infected kid?"
"She's not infected."
"Like hell-" Joel starts to say but Tess and I both look at him and he stops.
"I've been observing Ellie for a week now," I say. "The bite has started to heal and scar. I've never seen that happen with someone who's infected."
"They had to be lying-" Joel tries.
"No." I shake my head. "Look, I know you don't trust the Fireflies." Both Tess and Joel scoff. "I'm not one of their cheerleaders, alright? But Marlene had Ellie chained to a fucking radiator for days before she brought me in. The only thing the kid was sick with was malnutrition."
"Seems to be a shitty way to care for the person they think is immune," Tess says.
"It is. And I told Marlene as much. It's why they were trying to sneak out early so I wasn't on the trip." Tess raises her eyebrows as she leans forward.
"And then why did they send you now?"
"Because they had no other option," I say as I lean closer to them. "I'll clean your hand and wrap it once you promise to not keep the gun on her." I tell Joel.
"We'll talk about that after you tell us why you took so long back there," Tess cuts in and I sigh. "I know it didn't take that fucking long to get that knife."
"It didn't," I say honestly. I see them both tense up. "I cleaned that shit up for you."
"You cleaned that shit up for us?" Tess says slowly. I take off the too small boots before I take my backpack off. I put the boots directly in front of them before I reach into my pack and start pulling things out of the other pair of boots I'd packed.
"Are you really not going to explain while you do an outfit change?" Tess asks and I roll my eyes.
"Those boots are FEDRA supplied," I say as I nod to the boots in front of them. "Also a size too fucking small for me," I pull out one of the boots as I start pulling things out of the other one.
"Just explain," Tess sighs and I see her lean back in her chair out of the corner of my eyes.
"I stomped the bastard's face in. Enough that it hides any of his punches. Oh, and I grabbed this," I say as I grab the scanner and toss it to Tess.
"What?" Joel is the one to ask this time.
"I owed you," I say as I pull the other boot out and zip up my pack. "So now we're even."
"How'd you owe us?" Tess asks, suddenly more interested.
"I didn't owe you."
"What?" Joel asks again. I look up and see the confusion clear on his face.
"He murdered my son. Thank you for making that bastard's death as painful as you could with the time you had." Joel doesn't say anything. Tess, for once, doesn't either. I put my boots on in silence before I throw the other pair outside.
When I come back in the room, the gun isn't on Ellie anymore. It rests in Joel's lap, facing away from all of us. But he still grips it tightly.
Tess must believe us, then.
"Why does Marlene want her so bad?" She finally asks.
"That's not up for me to share."
"But-"
"It's Ellie's choice," I say.
"You're really not going to-"
"Nope."
"You're a bitch," Tess says.
"Takes one to know one."
"Jesus Christ," Joel whispers under his breath and I smile as I sit back down between them and Ellie.
"Fuck this," Tess says as she rubs her eyes. "I'm sleeping, wake me up if any insane shit happens," she waits for Joel to nod before she walks over to a corner on the opposite side of the room from Ellie to rest.
I pull out my medical pouch and start to fully organize it. I'd just thrown whatever would fit in it throughout the week. I look up when I hear Joel clear his throat. He doesn't look at me, his eyes are still trained on Ellie
"You hear from Tommy?"
"Not since he left the Fireflies." Just a month before Aiden died.
Joel grunts.
"You lose contact with him?" I ask when he doesn't say anything. He nods his head a fraction.
"Marlene was trying to keep up with him. Heard he's been working on a town. He's probably trying to stay off their radar."
"Working on a town?" Joel finally turns his head to look at me.
"Yeah, somewhere out west. Said it's supposed to be like things before."
"Marlene trusts you."
"She does," I say, fighting back a smile at how much this reminds me of my conversation with Ellie.
"Why?"
"She thinks I view her as family."
"Why's that matter?"
"Family's what keeps you going." The words are from Tommy. Spoken to me when I was at my lowest in my pregnancy with Aiden, just after his dad left us and the QZ.
All Joel does is nod. And for the first time since we've been thrown into this fucked up situation, I feel safe. Like we finally have some common ground.
I pull some gauze out from my medical kit.
"Give me your hand." He doesn't. He just looks at me. "For Christ's sake Joel, I'm not going to hurt you as long as you don't hurt Ellie. I'm trying to help you. You don't need to worry about the cordyceps if you get a bad infection in those cuts."
He holds out his hand and I sigh.
"Thank you," I say as I reach over and grab my water canteen. I run a little water over his hand until I can see more clearly. "You've probably got a hairline."
"It'll heal fast," he says.
"It will as long as you don't overuse it," I say as I grab some alcohol. I pour it over the cuts and he doesn't flinch. I put some ointment on the cuts before I start wrapping his hand in silence. I move further up his hand to his wrist and arm.
"Don't waste-"
"I brought plenty to get us to the state house," I say as I finish wrapping his arm. I grab some scissors with my free hand before I cut the gauze. "It's not as good as tape, but I want to save that in case someone hurts an ankle."
"Thanks," he says. There's silence between us again as I go back to sorting supplies. "You should sleep." I look up at him. "I won't hurt her until she turns. You have my word."
"She won't. Wake me up if Tess starts trying to talk to her?" He looks back at Tess who seems to be asleep. Her eyes are closed, at least. Joel barely nods and my shoulders relax.
I stuff my supplies back into my pouch and then put my pouch in my pack before I move it to use it as a pillow. I lay down, looking up at the stars through the cracks in the building above us.
"That can't be comfortable."
"As a rock. I don't know how Patrick did it all those years in Spongebob."
Joel snorts as he stretches his legs out in front of him.
Maybe getting to the state house won't be so bad.