AN: Hey friends! Here we go, finally a bit of a longer chapter! We are soooo close to Bella's change. I didn't proofread this one as much as I normally would but I just wanted to post it before my busy weekend. Thank you for your reviews as always!
Bella's POV
Before Rosalie or I could say anymore, Carlisle upheld the decision to change me as required by Aro. His steady gaze found my own and his expression turned solemn as he spoke, "Bella has made her decision. We will respect her choice and go through with the change."
I felt myself release the breath I hadn't realized I had been holding. "Thank you, Carlisle. And, uh, I guess I just want to thank you guys, for welcoming me back into your lives like this." Carlisle slid his arm around Esme, they wore matching knowing smiles. This wasn't the first time I had thanked them since our sudden reunion. Turning towards the others I admitted, "Honestly, I think in many ways it still hasn't fully hit me yet, that things are going to change so drastically. But I am glad you all are here with me."
Alice took a step towards me and slipped her hand into mine, giving it a squeeze. Emmett and Jasper sat down on two of the stools at the far end of the center island while Esme returned to her work at the cutting board, Rosalie perched on the counter behind her. I pulled myself up a little straighter, ready to go into the change head-on, my family at my side.
"What did you want to talk to me about, Carlisle?"
"Well, first of all there are a few logistics that we can decide on now, so that they are taken care of before your newborn year begins." Here he shared a glance with Jasper, who gave a curt nod of his head.
I could feel my brow furrow, unsure of what kinds of details he had in mind. "Sure, like what?"
"For example, getting your new paperwork sorted out. Forged birth certificates, passports, etcetera. Though theoretically you won't need them right away, it usually takes almost a year before you are able to be around humans for any length of time. But it is still better to have them on hand, just in case. Now, I know the others share my sentiment when I say that we wish nothing more than for you to remain a part of our family after the change. But I also know that after what happened last fall you may not share that same desire. However, it will be my responsibility as the one behind your transformation to help you adapt to your new life. So, if it's okay with you, I must ask that you remain here with us for at least a year, or until the turbulent newborn phase has calmed."
"I don't want to leave," could they hear how my pulse quickened? Now that they were back in my life, and things had gone okay so far, the idea of striking out on my own was more terrifying than rebuilding my relationship with them. I was pretty confident that Carlisle already knew that I would stay. But he wouldn't want me to feel as though I was being forced to remain beyond my will.
Esme smiled, "We are very glad to hear that, Bella." She had finished preparing the food and turned to slip the pan into the oven.
"Thank you, Bella. In that case we will go ahead and get new documents made up." He gestured towards Jasper before continuing on, "Jasper has suggested that this time around you take the name Platt, which is Esme's maiden name. If anyone asks, the official story will be that you are Esme's younger sister. Would that be okay?"
It was slightly jarring to imagine myself changing names overnight. I knew that forging and secrecy played an integral role in their ability to maintain an almost human-like life, but it was still strange to try and think of myself as Bella Platt.
"Platt…" My voice was hesitant, testing out the new name.
Jasper took a few steps towards me. He had a knowing grin on his face and spoke to reassure me, "It will just be on paper. All of us consider ourselves as Cullens, regardless of which name we currently have on our passports. You are still Bella Swan, and someday we will use that name in our continually evolving list of aliases. Though for now it would be too risky."
He didn't elaborate anymore but his explanation had helped to put things in perspective. Using my own name would make it too easy to trace me for the time being. And I didn't quite feel ready to consider myself a Cullen. So for now I would be a Platt.
"Of course, Platt would be fine." I sent a small smile in Esme's direction, feeling oddly touched to have this more personal link with her.
Carlisle was the one to respond, "Thank you Bella, we will get everything sorted out as soon as possible. Though like I said, I'm afraid during your first weeks and months after the transformation you will be spending most of your time here at the house, besides frequent hunts. Most of us needed that much time to prepare before coming into close contact with the human population."
Edward had never been very frank with me in regards to what the change entailed. I think he had hoped that by avoiding the subject I would change my mind and choose to stay human. As a result, I felt out of the known when it came to what to expect. Hearing Carlisle speak about it now made me feel slightly anxious. Back when I had looked forward to becoming a vampire I had focused solely on living an eternity with Edward and his family. I had imagined myself as their equal. But I had never given much consideration to the fact things wouldn't be that simple right off the bat. Carlisle's words now were grounding. There was a very real risk of me killing another human being. I would do whatever they deemed best in order to avoid that.
My eyes widened and my head shook back and forth as I looked at my new family. "That's fine, I will stay here for as long as it takes. I don't want to hurt anyone."
"Don't worry, Bella, we will help you!" assured Alice. "Between Emmett's strength and Jasper's ability to calm a newborn, we should be able to make sure you don't hurt anybody." While her words were meant to put my mind to rest, they only served to remind me that the instinct to kill would be strong enough that physical strength and the manipulation of emotions could be necessary to deter me.
"Uh, thanks Alice." My forced smile was far from reaching my eyes.
Carlisle's steady voice reiterated what Alice had said, but the suredness in his words were more effective in calming me, "We will all be here to support you, Bella. And though accidents are an unfortunate part of the learning curve, I will do everything in my power to avoid placing you in a situation that could risk such an outcome. You are a part of this family, and as such, you will not need to go through this alone."
I hadn't noticed that my eyes had welled up with tears until I felt one slip below my cheekbone. I brushed it away and let out a huff of air, "I still can't believe this is happening. I mean, I can, but a few days ago I was beginning to believe that I had imagined everything. And now I am being thrusted headfirst back into the thick of things." I took a deep breath, momentarily forgetting that they were all standing around me watching and listening to each word I spoke, "Okay, this is fine. Everything is going to be fine."
A thought had just occurred to me, "Carlisle, you said that it will take at least several months before I can venture back out into society." He nodded. "Do you think it would be possible for me to go into town or something before the change. You know, one last chance to interact with other humans before my overriding instinct will be to attack them?"
Emmett grinned at my frankness. Alice's face lit up. Carlisle smiled, "Of course, Bella. Unfortunately most shops are closed as it is Sunday, but tomorrow we can go wherever you'd like."
"We could even take you to Paris!" burst out Alice, the excitement in her voice palpable.
I didn't want to let her down but I knew I wasn't in the right state of mind to fully appreciate a whirlwind tour of France's capital. All I really wanted was to visit the nearby village, to feel, even momentarily, as though I could be any other person out for a walk in town. Jasper must have sensed my reservations and took it upon himself to dash Alice's hopes.
"You know, love, I think it's best if we don't stray too far from where the Volturi believe us to be. And Bella will have plenty of time to discover one of your favorite cities once she has a handle on her thirst. You will have more fun if you aren't rushed."
Alice, her expression slightly deflated but not discouraged, turned back towards me, "Of course. You'll see, Bella, Paris is incredible. We will spend a week there as soon as you're ready!"
"Sounds good, Alice." Jasper could feel my relief. His mouth turned up into a grin as we shared a knowing look.
For the rest of the afternoon, Carlisle spoke to me more in-depth about what to expect during the transformation and the weeks that followed. His tone was almost clinical as he explained to me how he would be able to administer morphine in the hopes of lessening the pain of the venom. Though I didn't tell him, it seemed too good to be true; I began to mentally prepare myself to feel the full force of the painful change. If preparing for such a thing is even possible. The rest of the family came and went throughout our conversation. Alice remained for most of it, as did Emmett, both of them adding in their own commentary and reassurances, and in Emmett's case the occasional joke to try and alleviate the tension.
As the sun began to set, and I finished my second helping of Esme's incredible pot pie, I broached one of the subjects I had been doing my best to avoid.
"You guys haven't really mentioned Edward's absence much…and I know you are probably doing that on purpose to try and avoid hurting me. Which I do appreciate, but I just want to know, is he aware of what's going on? You said he has been pursuing Victoria- is he going to come here soon?"
Ever since Esme and Carlisle had explained to me the link between mates, I couldn't help but wonder why Edward wasn't here if that were true. His misguided plan to "protect" me had collapsed, why hadn't he come to see me yet?
His parents locked eyes, a silent conversation passed between them. At last Carlisle spoke, "We have been unable to reach Edward for the last few days. He is unaware of what has happened."
Esme added, "We have left him messages asking him to contact us as soon as possible. But so far we have not heard from him." The sadness in her voice was palpable, and an undercurrent of uncertainty told me that I wasn't the only one anxious to know where he was.
I hated that my gut instinct was to worry about him, to wonder if something had happened to him that would cause him to ignore his family's attempts to speak to him. Despite my growing acceptance of the situation, I was still angry with him. Furious. Though for the most part I kept those emotions restrained, only Jasper would be able to feel them simmering behind my otherwise composed exterior.
Having made her way back into the living room, Rosalie gave her take on the situation, unknowingly responding to my internal struggle. "Oh don't worry about him, he is just being melodramatic. Ever since he left he refuses to answer our calls, preferring to leave Esme in a constant state of worry. He only calls back when the spirit moves him." The contempt in her voice was accompanied by a well-practiced eye roll.
"I've no doubt that he will contact us soon. And when he hears about what has happened he will want to join us immediately. But I will leave that decision up to you, Bella," said Carlisle, casting a disapproving look in Rosalie's direction.
Did I want him here so soon? Would I be ready to see him? Despite the negative feelings that came with my thoughts of him, my overriding emotion in regards to Edward was still love. Nothing changed the fact that I had never felt more complete or more blissful than I had during the months that we were together. And based on what Carlisle had told me, that connection was an eternal one. I wasn't so naive as to say that his arrival would mean an immediate return to how things were before, but I knew I wanted to work towards that. I just hoped my newborn self wouldn't hinder my efforts too much.
"You guys said you would do my best not to hurt anybody, right?" They all nodded, Emmett smirked. He had caught on to my train of thought. "Okay, well in that case, when Edward calls, tell him to come home."
Carlisle's POV
From where I sat in the living room, I could hear Bella tossing and turning up in her room. Sleep seemed to be evading her and I worried her injuries or the day's discussion were making it difficult for her to rest. A minute later, I heard her give an exasperated sigh followed by the sound of her feet padding quietly across the oak floors. Even though she knew none of us were sleeping she still took care to move about with as little sound as possible. Esme had left to go on a quick hunt and the others were upstairs in the library, discussing what to do in regards to Edward. When they heard Bella make her way down the hallway they lowered their voices, no longer loud enough for human ears to pick up.
The telltale creak of the top two steps told me that Bella was making her way downstairs. As she neared the bottom, I fidgeted slightly in my chair and allowed the pages of my book to make a rustling sound so that she would know I was here. Instead of going towards the kitchen to get something to drink as I thought she might, Bella came and joined me in the sitting room. Clad in pajamas and a zip-up sweatshirt, she stood with her back to the dying flames in the fireplace. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other, absorbed in thought.
"Is everything alright, Bella?"
She bit her bottom lip, disquiet emanating from her every movement. It felt as though she were working up the courage to speak to me. I slipped the bookmark into my book and set it on the table between us.
Instead of answering my question she asked her own, "Can I join you for a minute?"
"Of course," I replied, as I slid over, making room on the couch for her to sit next to me. She sat down, her eyes continuing to stare into the glowing embers.
Without looking at me she spoke in a halting voice. "There is something I have been wondering about. But I've been afraid to ask you. I know that once I find out the answer it is going to make everything that much more real. More final. And I wasn't ready to hear it yet." I could hear the tremor in her voice and had my suspicions about what was troubling her.
"You can ask me anything, Bella." I hoped she heard the sincerity in my voice, that she knew I would always be there to support her in any way I could.
After taking a slow, deep breath she worked up the courage to turn to me and ask, "Do you know what Char- what my dad thinks happened to me?"
I felt my lips turn down into a slight frown. Despite having prepared myself for this conversation eventually, I still found it difficult to look into her worried eyes and have to tell her that her father was currently mourning her apparent death.
"When I called Esme after leaving Volterra and told her about what had happened to you, Jasper looked into the fallout of the accident." She gave no indication that my first words upset her, so I took a deep breath and continued. "When you did not return home that night, Charlie called around to try and find you. Your friend Jacob told him that you had left earlier that morning so Charlie and a couple of his colleagues drove out that way. That's when they found the site of the crash."
I watched Bella carefully. This was usually a conversation that happened after the change, but the others had all occurred under duress. There wouldn't have been time to go over such details beforehand. But now we had some time, albeit not much, to work through the implications of her impending entry to the immortal world.
"The Volturi covered their tracks, of course. There would be no sign of their presence in the woods. The final conclusion was that an animal must have come and your injuries prevented you from getting away."
My decision to avoid details of Charlie's reaction was intentional. I was afraid of causing Bella more distress than was absolutely necessary. Though if Bella asked, we would of course tell her anything she wanted to know. For now, there was no need to tell her how Charlie had called every hospital in a 200-mile radius, desperately hoping someone had found his daughter and brought her in. Or how he had returned to the site of the accident every day since, determination driving him to scour the area over and over again for an unmissed clue.
"It wasn't supposed to happen this way." Her words echoed Esme's from the previous night. "He must be so upset. I can't believe I've done this to him."
"This is not your fault, Bella. You must not blame yourself." Eventually I would tell her every bit of the story. I would tell her that we would make sure both Charlie and Renée had what they needed. But such a topic would be unfitting to mention while she grieved. There would be plenty of time for that later.
As her eyes stared into the dying fire, she began to cry. She mourned the loss of her human life, she mourned the loss of her human family. Each silent tear that fell on to her black cotton sweatshirt might have been the last she ever shed, for the ability to cry would be stolen from her once I changed her. One loss amongst so many others. I said nothing, for there was nothing that could be said that would soften the grief she felt. But I hoped my presence gave her some comfort.
Eventually she leaned against me, her head resting against my shoulder. She didn't bother to wipe away the tears, she knew there would be more that followed behind them anyways. Each drop now slipped on to my own shirt, darkening the gray linen where they landed. I hesitated, then put my arm around her shoulders. I could feel her relax slightly against me and within a few minutes the tears began to slow at last. By then she had closed her eyes and the rhythm of her breathing told me she was asleep. That was how Esme found us upon her return an hour later, Bella asleep on my shoulder, her face troubled by grief even in sleep.