Ghost watched the draining water go from red to pink until finally, it turned clear.
He was still thinking about Roba, what he had done to the man. But more so the fact that Roach had been with him and watched the whole thing play out in all its bloody glory.
Torturing people was something he hated but he also knew he was the only one capable of doing it. Not many men could stomach the job so he grit his teeth and got on with it because he had to. Looking down at his now clean hands, Ghost clenched them into fists.
He fully expected Roach to avoid him from now on. Plenty of people did after seeing what he could do. It was different with Roach though, the thought of the man no longer seeking him out or wanting to be alone with him again was almost heartbreaking. Well, there was no almost about it. It would be heartbreaking.
Roach, who had only a few short hours ago admitted to finding him attractive would never look at him the same way again. Ghost hated how much it hurt to think that. Letting people in always came with a downside and he'd decided years ago not to let anybody close enough to hurt him again. But Roach…
Ghost sighed and banged his head against the cool tiles of the shower wall. Roach was there, in his heart and nothing would change that. Nothing could change that. Even if nothing ever happened and he fully expected this, it was enough to be Roach's friend. He could only hope they were still friends after tonight.
Finally, he shut off the shower and got out. He had to leave some hot water for Roach after all. He made sure all the blood had been washed away before vacating the bathroom.
Sitting on the sofa in a fresh set of clothing, he almost felt back to normal. Roach had put some food out on the table but he wasn't hungry, just looking at it made him feel nauseous. There was an impending sense of dread in the air, waiting for Roach's reappearance to spill over. He could already see the hesitation in Roach's face, the way he would keep a distance between them a newfound guardedness in his voice.
When Roach did join him, Ghost had spiralled so far in his head that he didn't register the other man's presence at first. When he did, he was surprised at how close Roach was, almost touching him. Roach gave him a small smile, eyes straying down to Ghost's hands which he too looked at. There was no more blood but he could still see it, could still feel it.
He clenched his hands, ready for the rebuttal that was sure to come. "So, do you think I'm repulsive now?"
"No." Roach's surprise gave him the courage to look up. Their eyes met and Roach searched his face curiously. "Someone has to do it…"
"Nobody ever looks at you the same afterwards though." Ghost leaned back and covered his face. He always felt so vulnerable afterwards. It was usually after this he would go into the village and find someone to spend the night with if only to feel more human again. Here with Roach though, that wasn't an option. He didn't want the other man to think he was being used, in any way. "Sometimes I get tired of everybody looking at me like I'm a monster."
"Stop it." Roach grabbed his hands and pulled them away with surprising strength. "You're not a monster."
"You honestly believe that, or are you just trying to make me feel better? I already know what I am."
"Simon Riley, you're a good man."
Ghost stiffened, not used to hearing his real name. It sounded strange coming from Roach. Strange, but pleasant. It was unusual for someone to try and get close to him, touch him like this. The warmth of Roach's hands in his was spreading through his chest and the foreign feeling made him want to pull away but hold on tight at the same time. Conflicted, he looked back at Roach, unsure what to do or say.
"Don't you ever think otherwise."
Before he could react, Roach let go of his hands and hugged him. At first, Ghost tried to pull away thinking it was pity driving his actions. But when the other man held him tighter he began to realise it wasn't pity but friendship. Slowly he returned the embrace. The feeling of fingers combing through his hair, the gentleness of the action, almost broke him. Nobody had ever held him like this.
Feeling very fragile, he said nothing but allowed Roach to continue.
Once he felt back in control, Ghost pulled away. "Thank you." He leaned in and kissed Roach's forehead without thinking. Maybe now was a good time to get away. "I'll see you in the morning."
In his room, Ghost leaned back against the door and exhaled.
Gary goddamn Sanderson.
He wanted to drag Roach in here and fuck him senseless, fuck himself senseless for that matter. Why did he have to be so attracted to him? But he didn't want Roach to think it was just a physical attraction, Ghost genuinely liked him. He wanted to make Roach happy, and show him how much he cared and valued their relationship.
Some things were impossible though.
They could never have that kind of relationship. Not only was Roach his subordinate but Ghost had never done it before. He'd slept with people sure, but dating? That was foreign territory.
How can you just walk up to someone and ask them out? Not that he was planning to.
Ghost sighed again and scrubbed his face. He needed to stop thinking about it and get over it already. Otherwise, he'd slip up and it'd cost them. He would never forgive himself if Roach got hurt because of his indecision. Suddenly he realised he would lay down his life for Roach. That was a first. But he would, without a doubt. He should be scared to discover this but no, it filled him with a sense of calm. Roach's life was worth much more than his own and he would do everything in his power to keep him alive.
Getting in bed, Ghost's thought over the day's events. Roba had deserved what had happened to him, he knew that. Just remembering Roach leaning over the man, fully committing to their plan had him wanting to kill him all over again.
He really needed to get these thoughts under control.
What he needed to do was to stop thinking about Roach. Ghost smiled and covered his face with one arm. There was something that wasn't going to happen.