"Don't you want someone to care about you?" - What About Love? - Heart, 1985
"I'm going to go see if Joel needs any help with the truck, stay here okay?" She nods and I squeeze her hand as I walk by. I walk through the hall and out of the house. I pause on the porch and look around at the neighborhood that surrounds us.
Leaves blow across the street with the breeze. I hear something creak and see the front gate moving with the breeze, too. I hear a noise from the garage and walk down the steps before I make my way over.
"Told you to stay there," Joel says. His back is to me as he stands at a workbench. I smile at his back as I walk over to the truck. The hood is up and I look around inside.
"I know. Did he keep parts for a battery?"
"In the fridge. Just finished it," Joel says as he turns around. The battery sits in his hands.
"How long do you think it'll take to charge it?"
"Couple hours at the most," he says as he sits it on the truck. He starts connecting the cables and soon, I can see it's charging. "You know where this base is?"
"Marlene just told me out west," I say as I look up at him. "She didn't give me anything more than that."
"You're lying," Joel says as he leans against the car. He crosses his arms over his chest and I sigh.
"She didn't give me anything."
"Oh?"
"She locked me in a room with files, told me to try to find any more symptoms of someone about to turn," I turn away from him to look at the charging battery. "I found a hidden one, it listed some names in it, but no location."
"Think Tommy might know?" He asks and I look up at him.
"Yeah, he focused on communications with other towers."
"I was going to find him. Pull him outta whatever hole he dug himself into. We can get the girl to him and he can tell y'all where to go."
"Okay," I say.
"That easy?" He asks.
"That was my plan, anyways," I finally look up at Joel. He looks at me before he nods and pushes off the truck.
"We should grab what we can."
"Yeah," I say as I start looking around. "Can you tell Ellie? I'll put together a kit for us for the road."
"I can-"
"Ellie will fight me to death wanting to know more about Tommy," I cut him off. "She won't ask you about him right away." Joel doesn't say anything, he just starts walking out of the garage. But he pauses in the doorway as I find the siphon.
"How much do you know about him?" Joel asks.
"He's a worrywart and a pain in the ass?"
"Were you two," he pauses and I can't fight the sick feeling at the question. Joel snorts. It must be clear on my face. "He ain't that bad." He turns around and starts to walk away.
"He was the first person to watch out for me that didn't have another motive," I say. And Joel stops walking away, although he doesn't turn back around. "He's the closest thing I've got to family now, other than Ellie." Joel doesn't say anything as he walks towards the house.
"Well," I say to myself as I pull the siphon out and put it in the back of the truck. "That could've gone worse."
When I walk back into the house, Ellie is stuffing toilet paper into a bag. I look around, but don't see Joel anywhere. Ellie pauses when she hears me and looks up.
"I grabbed some bathroom stuff," she says. "He kicked me out of the bunker."
"You ask for a gun?"
"No," she says as she grabs another roll of toilet paper. "Bunker is underneath the basement, you'll see it."
"When you're older, kiddo," I say as I walk by her. I walk down the stairs of the basement and just stare at the dresser turned on its side.
"Can't believe this," I say as I swing one of my legs over to go down the ladder. When I get to the bottom, I see Joel filling a bag with bullets. The walls are covered in different guns. A table sits in the center of the room with a bunch of monitors. When I look at their screens, I can see the cameras are pointed at different areas in the town and woods.
"This is insane," I mutter. I hear Joel make a noise of agreement. "Never thought I'd see something like this in real life." I make my way over to another wall to see a workbench.
"Do you think we have enough bullets?" I ask when he doesn't say anything.
"No," he says plainly. "Not if we run into trouble."
"And knowing us," I trail off as I look at the machine on the workbench. "What's the main things you're shooting?"
"Mossberg 500 and .44 Magnum," he says. "Only got a box for each."
"I can get a couple more boxes worth for your revolver while you and Ellie shower," I say as I drop my pack at my feet.
"I've already looked-"
"I'm not talking about finding some pre-made," I say as I pull a box of empty casings off the shelf. "I can make some."
"You know how to do that?" He asks, his eyebrows raising.
"My dad used to make them before we went to the range growing up, had me help him. I think he had the same machine, actually," I say as I turn back to the blue machine on the workbench.
"Alright, well, I can grab some food later while you shower."
"You're so sweet," I tease, looking back at him over my shoulder. "Trying to tell me I stink without telling me I stink." He huffs out a breath of air as he turns and pulls a gun off the wall.
"She asked for a gun, by the way."
"I know," I grin at him as he walks to the ladder. "I'm sure she'll ask at least a couple times a day until she actually has to shoot one."
Joel grimaces and walks up the ladder. I look at the empty space for a moment before I turn back to the machine and start loading the casings.
I think Joel is a lot more like Tommy than he knows. And that makes me feel a little better. Because if something happens to me, at least Ellie will have them both to look after her.
The shower feels like heaven. I don't remember the last time I had a shower. Back in the QZ, we have to use jugs of water to take baths. It's always cold, uncomfortable, and annoying.
But I'm standing in a hot shower.
I take my time washing my hair. It's gotten longer since the last time I washed it. It's the last time I'll be able to clean it for a while. I carefully brush through the knots with my fingers. The conditioner makes it easier to get through.
I got it sparingly when I was in the QZ. But I made sure to have some for me and Ellie for this trip. Sometimes in the world we live in now, you need something small to make you feel human. Like things are like before.
Once all the soap is rinsed off my body, and my hair is free of shampoo and conditioner, I turn off the water and sigh. When will I get to shower like this again? Will I get to shower like this again?
I hear a thump and laugh a little.
"You alright there, kiddo?" I call out.
"Yeah!" She calls back. I step out of the shower and start drying myself off. It normally takes hours to dry my hair fully, but I don't have that time now. I squeeze as much water as I can out of the curly red strands before I pull my hair back in two braids. I pin them up to the back of my head before I slip on the blonde wig that's almost dry.
The few minutes in the shower were the first time I've had my hair down and out of pins in days. It hurts to pin the wig back in place. All I want to do is walk down the stairs without the wig, without the makeup I'm about to apply to my face.
For the first time since Aiden died, I want to be myself again.
"Almost done?" Ellie calls. "Joel's almost finished loading the food into the truck."
"Almost done!" I call back. I slip the clean clothes I'd laid out earlier on easily and start putting on my holsters. One on each hip, one at my back, and one at my right ankle.
It was scary to travel as a girl before everyone was controlled by a fungus. Now it's even worse. I shake my head to clear the memories before I slip my guns into their holsters.
I pull out the jar of tinted cream I bought in the QZ over a month ago and apply it to my face. Makeup isn't easily accessible. To find a shade that somewhat works for you is like finding a needle in a haystack.
I focus on blending it out over the scar that crosses my forehead. If it wasn't for that one mistake, I wouldn't have to wear this cream all the time. I look forward to the day I don't have to think about it again.
I slip the jar of cream back into my pack before I sit down on the side of the shower and put on my thick socks and boots. I sit for a second, closing my eyes. I focus on taking even breaths.
And then I stand up, grab my pack, and walk out of the bathroom. When I do, Ellie is sitting on the floor by the door.
"I thought you would be exploring," I say as I look down at her.
"I went through all the rooms already."
"And Joel isn't the most talkative?" I ask quietly as I crouch down beside her. She grins and I hold my hand out to pull her up with me. "Are we almost ready to head out?" We start walking down the hall and then down the stairs. The front door is wide open, the back of the truck pulled up to the door.
"I think so," Ellie says.
"Ready?" Joel asks as he turns the corner. In his hands is a percolator.
"Is there coffee?" I ask instead of answering.
"Not the best," Joel shrugs.
"Any coffee is good coffee," I say as I hop off the bottom step. I turn to Ellie, "You need the bathroom before we head out?"
"He already told me to go," Ellie nods at Joel. "And don't you look pretty," she teases him. His hair is still wet from the shower, but now it's slicked back and I can see a few curly hairs. He's wearing a clean pair of jeans and a comfortable looking green flannel. Ellie's right. He does look pretty.
"Shut up," he says.
"Good, then I guess we're ready," I say as I start walking outside. I walk down the front steps, Ellie behind me as we walk to the truck. I open the back door for her and she pouts. "You'll get to ride up front at some point, kiddo." She huffs but she hops up inside anyway.
I look back at the house to see Joel closing the door behind him.
"I guess you want to drive?" He looks from the door knob to me and nods. "Just a fair warning, I'm bad at navigating." He doesn't say anything as he walks down the front steps. He walks to the driver's side and opens the back door, putting his pack and the percolator inside.
I slip my pack off of my shoulder as I open the passenger door. I climb up inside and drop my pack at my feet. It takes up too much room, but I'm just able to rest my feet on top of it. I look over when I hear a door shut and another one open to see Joel slide into the driver's seat.
"Got everything?" Joel double checks. Ellie and I nod. I look down at the space between me and Joel and see a stack of maps. "I know our way out of here at first, we'll have to stop once an hour for gas."
"Yeah, I grabbed the biggest of the siphons, but there's a smaller one in the back too in case we need to get in and out fast near a city." Joel nods as he turns the key. The truck roars to life and I let myself release a breath.
I look down at the radio and see nothing on the screen, so I start to dig through the glove box and pull out the first cassette I see. I'm sure we'll listen to all of them by the time this trip is done.
"No-" Joel says as he sees me slide it into the player, but I just look at him and turn up the volume.
"Love will abide," the song starts to play and I just grin at him as he leans back in his seat.
"Okay, keep it. This is a good one, Linda Ronstadt."
"Seatbelt," he says after a moment as he starts to put his own on.
"What?" Ellie asks from the backseat.
"Have you not been in a car before?" I ask her and she shakes her head slowly. I open my door and hop out of the truck. I walk back and open the back passenger door and lean my knee on the seat behind mine. Of course Ellie would sit in the middle seat. "This one is different from the others because it just goes over your lap, the other one goes over your chest, too." I lean over and pull the seat belt over her lap and click it into place.
"What's it for?" She asks.
"It's to help keep you in place in case we get into an accident," Joel says as I pat her knee and climb out of the truck. I shut the door behind me and hop back into my own seat, shutting the door and buckling myself in.
"Alright, now we're ready." I say as I settle in my seat.
"Wait!" Ellie says. I turn back around and see a sheepish smile on her face. "I need to pee." I snort and lean my head back against the seat when I hear her seatbelt click. The back door creaks as she opens it and slides out. I flinch when she slams it behind her.
"Want to make a bet?" I ask, turning my head sideways to look at Joel. He stares out the windshield in front of us.
"About what?"
"How long it'll take for her to ask if we're there yet."
"I'm not makin' a fool's bet," he says, looking out the window to his left. But I can see a ghost of a smile on his face through his reflection on the window. I close my eyes and turn my head forward again. We sit in the truck while Ellie's inside. The only sound is the music coming from the radio and I feel wrapped up in the feeling of normalcy for the first time in a long time.
And then the back door opens again. Ellie gets settled, but I don't hear her seat belt.
"Can you help me?" She asks, her voice sounding small. I open my eyes but I hear Joel's seat belt click. I look over to see him open his door and go around the truck to the back passenger door. I watch him buckle Ellie in through the rear view mirror.
I close my eyes before he notices me watching. The last thing I want to do is ruin a calm, quiet, normal moment between the two.
"Oh, what's this?" Ellie asks. I open my eyes after we've been on the road a while and look to the backseat. She's holding an adult magazine. A gay adult magazine. The man on the cover is wearing leather.
She moves the magazine around in the air, looking at it from different angles. When I look over at Joel, his face is drained of color. I cover my mouth and duck my head as he starts trying to get Ellie to put it away.
"That's not for kids-"
"Hold your horses, I want to see what all the fuss is about!"
"Ellie-"
"Woah, how do you walk around with that thing?" I choke on a laugh and turn my body towards the door, curling in on myself.
"Ellie stop looking-"
"Hey, why are all these pages stuck together?"
"I- uh," Joel struggles and I look over to see him glancing at me with panic clear in his eyes.
"Ah!" Ellie yells as she hits his arm with the magazine. "I was just fucking with ya!" I hear her start to roll down the window and soon hear the pages flying in the wind.
"Bye-bye dude!" She yells out the window.
"Oh my god," I whisper to myself as she starts to roll up the window. I wipe away the tears that made it out of my eyes as Joel just looks ahead. "You have to admit that was good," I whisper to him as Ellie chatters in the back seat. He coughs once, twice and I bite my lip to stop myself from laughing at him.
"So, how long until we get there?"
Joel and I look to each other at the same time. His eyes show his suffering as I'm sure mine do, too.
"Why are you two looking at each other like that?" Ellie asks.
"No reason-"
"Char," she says before slapping her hand over her mouth. "I mean-"
"We'll be with each other for a while, kiddo. Might as well call me that."
"Char?" Joel asks.
"She said that only people she's closest to know that nickname," Ellie says as she leans her arms on the back of mine and Joel's seats. "Are you sure you're not mad? You said Marlene doesn't even know it." I see Joel's eyebrows shoot up and I reach over and pat Ellie's arms.
"It's okay, kiddo. Don't worry about it." Her body relaxes as she lays her head on her arm.
"This music is making me sleepy," she says.
"So sleep," Joel says. I roll my eyes and reach down. I open the glove box and feel Joel looking at me.
"Eyes on the road, Cowboy." I tell him. Ellie giggles and I think it's the sweetest thing I've ever heard. Joel's eyes turn soft before he turns back to the road. I see him look down at his watch and pause.
Was Joel a dad at some point? Tommy never mentioned having a niece or nephew before Aiden. Ever.
"What's there?" Ellie asks. "Are there more cassettes?" I look back at the glove box and pull out the next tape and grin.
"There are, this is one of my favorite bands," I say as I pull out the Linda Ronstadt cassette out and replace it with the one in my hand. I slip the Linda one back into the glove box and immediately turn up the radio. Joel sighs, but there's no heat to it. I skip forward a song and lean back in my seat.
"I've been lonely, I've been waitin' for you, I'm pretending and that's all I can do. The love I'm sendin', Ain't makin' it through to your heart," the song begins and Ellie's sigh is explosive.
"Hush, it picks up," I tell her and she does. By the end of the next verse, she's wide awake, her eyes are filled with excitement.
"I've never heard a girl rock star before!"
"Just wait till you hear Stevie Nicks," I grin back at her.
"You know Heart and Stevie Nicks?" Joel asks, looking over at me.
"I saw them live," I say and his mouth drops open.
"You didn't!"
"I did!"
"Where?"
"I saw Heart at the Ryman-" Joel chokes. "And I saw Fleetwood Mac at an arena, can't remember."
"What's the Ryman?" Ellie asks.
"It was a historic music venue in Nashville, Tennessee-"
"Home of the Grand Ole Opry," Joel finishes.
"What's that?" Ellie asks and Joel groans, hitting his head against the back of his seat.
"The Grand Ole Opry was a radio broadcast that started in the 1920s, it aired country music songs."
"Oh," Ellie says.
"All the greats played there, Ernest Tubb, Johnny Cash-" Joel starts.
"Patsy Cline, Loretta Lynn," I add.
"Willie Nelson," he says, cutting his eyes towards me and I grin.
"Who?" Ellie asks.
"He had a song called On the Road Again, it's the one I was referencing when we left the hotel."
"Oh," Ellie says.
"Dolly Parton was probably the most famous next to Johnny Cash," Joel says as he scratches his beard.
"You think they got Dolly to a bunker before all this went down?" I ask him.
"I don't know," he seems to think about it.
"I wonder if they did what they did with Walt Disney at Disneyland with Dolly at Dollywood," I say as I look out of the window.
"Sweet Jesus," Joel says under his breath. I hear his breath catch and grin.
"Did you just laugh?" Ellie asks, leaning over the seats.
"Sit back down! Did you take off your seat belt?" I turn to face her and her face goes red as she sits back.
"No!" Her hand covers the lock of the seat belt.
"That's a yes," Joel sighs as he pulls over to the side of the road. He keeps the truck running as he hops out and runs back around to help Ellie with her seat belt. She watches him with fascination, but as soon as he's out of the truck and going back to his seat, she smiles softly as she looks down at her lap.
My heart feels full as Joel gets back in the truck and starts driving again. Moments like this are worth all of the horrible times I had with the Fireflies.
I just hope this continues.