Cursed Sword

by Kneenaw

Irisviel could not accept her own end, even corrupted she wishes to return to save her beloved. And so, as Shirou sits waiting to die, he is reborn as the host of a dark miracle, creating cascading effects that would alter the world. This fic spans from the end of the 4th HGW to the 5th. Currently it is starting the direct lead up to the 5th war.

38. Act Three: Dreaming of Spring

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Act Three: Dreaming of Spring

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In the Sunlight (Music) /xb3UmzOqios

I wake up. I don't feel tired, and I'm all cool and refreshed. I rub my sore eyes.

"Huh, Senpai?" We should've been sleeping together, but he's not in the futon. I look at the clock, and it's already ten o'clock. "Oh, he went to make breakfast." Pretending to understand, I get up. I'm surprised by how light I feel. What's wrong? It feels like the chains have been removed from my limbs. "Oh right." My body burns with heat as I recall what happened. I slept with Senpai last night. We didn't go all the way, but we became truly intimate. I was worried he might be not like it, but he accepted even my... dirty side. At the rate that this is going, I'll soon become brave enough to become his girlfriend. Everything is fine. Nothing is wrong.

Arcueid-san arrived suddenly and disastrously, and Nee-san stayed over. I could feel that the vampire was looking at Senpai strangely, but I didn't think she was a real threat. Senpai is mine, after all, so no one could come and take him away. That would be like ripping out my heart. I trust that Senpai can find a way to fix everything; I know he can, and I will save him if not. Nothing bad will happen now. "Senpai?" The house is clean. This place that I hope will be my home for the rest of my days. It is so warm when he is there, but where is he? The wind feels good. It is cool. The porch is filled with light, and walking here lightens my heart. My body feels light as a feather. Maybe I lost some weight.

…To be honest, I'm on the heavier side, and I'm fighting against the scale every night. But it's never done any good, and if Senpai says something like, "so you're the type that looks skinnier with clothes on," I'll faint. So it'll be great if I'm to lose some weight.

"Senpai...?" I feel amazing refreshed and just walking around seems novel. The air is so fresh, and I can smell everything as if it was the first time. My body's so light. The air tastes good. My heartbeat feels so warm. It's a feeling of freedom as if the poisons in me were taken out.

The worm Grandfather implanted within me, the curse Irisviel made me live with, the Magic that can be only evil, the black mud entangling my heart, the dream stuck in my mind, everything disappeared, and...

"Senpai?" There is no one here. It is quiet. I enter the dojo. "Senpai… Senpai…?" There's no one here. Warm sunlight. "Senpai...? Senpai? Oh. Are we playing hide and seek?" There is no one here. A cool breeze. "Ha... That's strange. Senpai is only hiding." No way. It is impossible for nobody to be here. Because that all was a bad dream-

Crackkk… White static fills my head.

The last time I saw him... his body was breaking apart.

There is no one here.

"No, it's just a lie, right, Senpai?" Yes, it has to be a lie. A body that wasn't human. There is no way to move with that body, so he must be somewhere around here- "Senpai... Senpai..." The shed was empty. There was nothing but the ash of something that once was.

Why is my heart beating so fast? It's just a lie, so why…?

There is no one here.

Why am I the one who is left?

But.

It's been ten days since those April days.

This illusion (Music) /tcnmWGyOOPA

"No…" I fall to my knees. I understand everything now. No, I knew it the moment I woke up, but I pretended not to notice. "No, please, please come out, Senpai…! I-I can't be alone! I need to be with you, Senpai! Senpai, Senpai, Senpai…!" My mind whites out.

It's painful not to be able to go crazy. All I can do is cry. That's all. I'm a coward and a crybaby, and I don't know how else to make up for it, so I can't even appreciate the fact that I'm alive. I'm freed from the chains that bound me for nine years, but I lost my only guide.

A long time ago.

'...Man, you're really obstinate. To be honest, I was taking you lightly.' The boy bluntly said this. An amazed expression and a deep sigh. ...She was prepared for that. The girl associated herself with the boy knowing that she was going to be hated. But somewhere in her mind... was a thought that she didn't want to be hated by the boy, and at the same time… 'Oh, but we have to redo this before that.'

'What…?' She didn't understand as he reached his hand to her, yet kept it in the as if waiting for something.

'I'm simply putting my hand out. I never really welcomed you properly into my home.'

'...' She looks quizzically at him, trying to figure out what it means. 'The world is not evil because of you, Sakura. I won't force it, but I can take you to the future with me. You see, I'm all alone now, so I wouldn't mind someone on my side.' He scratched his neck with a red face.

She resolved something small at that moment. She realized that seeing him sad and alone was like a knife in her heart, so she swore to dedicate her everything to making him happy. 'I-I will be there for you, Senpai!'

'...Please give me your best regards, Sakura. It's just you from now on and me.' ...As she watched him cough to hide his embarrassment, she wanted to value that thought. It was just her and him against everyone else, she thought.

That pathetic girl who had no life but for a single shining star. She thought and assumed many things, and in the end, when it counted, she folded without even trying to defend what she held dear. Cheap promises only reach as far as it is convenient. She was burning, so of course, she tried to hold desperately to something she thought would save her. The conclusion was obvious from the start when the victim is so pathetic. A panicking victim drags their savior down with them if only to try and save themselves. Even knowing that was the result, he came anyways.

She resurfaced from hell, but... she was alone. It was no longer despair, nor was it fear of confrontation. It was some deep emotion only attainable to those who lose everything and sink so deep down to the point that the barrier to oblivion diffuses into their very beginning. And so, only at this end did Matou Sakura reach her Origin of Nothingness. After the journey, she was left with only that, and so she became bare of everything.

She had wished for this feeling for so long, desperate to make her pain disappear. Now all she could think was how horrible it felt to feel nothing at all truly. As if there was something inside of her, sucking out all meaning until the day would come, she really would just vanish entirely. Freed from her curse, only to find herself in a world with nothing of value left in it. A fate far worse than death.

Spring can be cruel. Hope can be cruel. Growth and love can be cruel. They are the most beautiful things that exist, and yet if they appear at the wrong time, they are demons of misery that swallow the last of what little life remains. Every morning she awoke to the same nightmare, and every time she forced herself back into the sweet dreams of spring. It was a future she knew well.

For Matou Sakura was one whose heart was linked to the very root of creation, where the records of past, present, future, what is, and what could be, blend together in a white cacophony. She knew where this would lead her, and yet she couldn't help but cling to them. Because her heart of stone was gone, and all that remained had grasped a hope that will now never be fulfilled. What awaited was a cherry blossom dream that would never end. A fever that would pulse in her head until the day she died, never allowing her to move an inch from what she had lost. Even if every spring that will pass will be cold, and she will never be able to find her path now that her guide is gone, all she can cling onto is that hope of the future spring which will hold the day of return.

"Ahhh...! Ahhhhhhhh!" I scream out into the void. No will answer. No one inhabits this place but me, so-

Or that is how it would have been in a world without miracles. "I see. Is that how you see it? Not on my watch." Suddenly—comforting arms embrace me from behind.

"...What...?" My heart stopped in her chest.

"I said I'm not going to allow it. It's not going to end that way." The voice that made me shudder from the chills firing all over my body. No. That is...

"...Huh...Ah... Ah! S-s…s…" I struggle to turn arround. I crush him. I hug strongly as I feel it will disappear if I don't push hard enough. "You...! You...!" I weakly punch his chest, trying to confirm that he is real.

"Whoa... Ah... Geez, sorry…"

"Y-you...! I hate you so much!" Tears were streaming down my face.

"Let it out. I'm here, Sakura. Sorry… I couldn't be here when you needed me most."

"You can't be… it's not real… It can't be…" I refuse to look at him. If I do, and he disappears like an apparition, then I'm done for. So I'm too afraid to look.

But, he doesn't allow it, "look at me, Sakura." He tilts my head to look at his face.

"...!" Golden eyes that are like the sun. Red hair, with even more white patches strewn chaotically across. The tan spot on his skin reaches from his neck down. He looks dirty and haggard as if he hasn't slept in two weeks. The one who I saw that was in the process of breaking apart was not the one in front of me, yet this was someone who had just come back from hell. He hasn't been taking care of himself.

"I may have changed a little, but I'm still me. Look all you want, but I'm not going anywhere. And neither are you, as long as I have something to say for it. …What you saw… did happen. But the past is something that is done and can never be taken back."

"H-how…?"

He clenches his teeth but refuses to look away, forcing me to look at him. "It wasn't without sacrifice, but I can't just let you be all alone. ...Listen, Sakura. What occurred to you was my own wish. I may be too much of a coward to plan such a thing, but I let it happen… No- I wanted it to happen. I wanted you to be free, so I allowed you to become unforgivable to do it. …I killed those people, Sakura. I did because I was unwilling to let you go." He says, cursing himself. He always takes the blame for everything, even when it isn't his fault.

"Senpai- No- You are not...! It was me… I was the one who couldn't see it…!"

He quiets me slowly, then continues. "You have irrevocably sinned, but do not take on on the world's sins just because of that. It seems we all keep making the same mistake over and over again. I am not a saint, Sakura. I am far from pure or perfect. I'm the opposite, Sakura. I carry so many sins that they can't even be counted. So please, stop comparing yourself to a person that does not exist. Look at the real me, and you will see you are strong."

Senpai is perfect, and I must follow him. That was my mantra for so long. That is how I could convince myself to keep living even though I never quite felt alive. I only felt anything when he was there, so all I was doing all along was lying. Lying to myself that somehow the obvious truth: that I was trash, meant to disappear, could be wrong. "No... No! But… I am… …I am… I am-" Weak.

But for some reason, he stops me from saying so with a kiss. "Huh...? What are you-" He does it again, shattering my mind with his forceful embrace. It is not romantic; rather, it is quite angry.

"I'm not a violent person by nature, but there are some things I have simply become sick of hearing over and over. There will be no more gentle acceptance of your excuses. Sorry if a kiss is something you don't want, but the alternatives will be much worse."

"..." He literally steals my breath.

"If it takes a tyrant to make you realize the truth, then I will become that. You are never allowed to say that ever again. You are never allowed to bemoan your fate or your past. You are never allowed to ask for forgiveness. You are never allowed to sink into a depression. Because the fact is that you are not weak, if you fall down, then I will pull you back up. If you resist, then I will force you to do as I say, kicking and screaming. If you try to run away, I will keep you chained. Do you understand your position better now? I'm here to be harsher to you than anyone else." Once you sin, there can be no going back to the naive life of before, or else you really are careless and evil.

He wants me to be strong. I want that too... I want it so desperately, but reaching means crossing every single fear I have. It's not fair. It's unfair because now I am jelly in his arms, and I really am weak. I can't do as he says, but I could never go against his word. I nod with a wet face, resolving myself even if I can not yet grasp any strength at all. I would fall to the ground if not for him holding me up."I need to that... But Senpai, I won't forgive you either. I won't let you go until you are redeemed, and that's never… so you can never leave ever again." I seem to take him off guard.

"Hah... I guess I am quite the hypocrite... but that is just one of my own sins. Then I'll be in your care as well, Sakura. If you run away, who will I be able to guide? See, you are already not nothing. You are important in your own right, and every time you doubt that I will be there to punish you for it."

He is chaining me once again. But this time, it is like the chains around me are comforting rather than torturous. Rather than pulling me down to hell, they will show me the out. I have faith in Senpai, so even if they hurt me, I can only hold tight.

I hold his cheek in my hand. He has dry blood on him, and he really does look terrible.

That means he is real. He is not another self-serving illusion. "How…?" His body, the last time I saw it… It physically hurts to think about it. "But you won't leave, right!? You are not going to disappear now, right!? I can't do anything if you are not there!" I won't allow it. I hold him so tightly that I may as well be choking him.

"Eh... Even if I wanted to, I can't leave if you hold me so tightly. ...I'm back, Sakura. I ran away like an idiot, but I made a promise to shine as brightly as I could. Since you are family, that means I can't have you pulling me down anymore. No more regrets, no more mistakes, no more holding back... I can't act like a kid anymore. I'm a knight now, so I can't slack off on anything." In his embrace, my mind drowns in liberation. For how much sorrow there has been, this is what freedom means for me. His words are like sugar coursing through my brain. "That means I won't stop. ...Now, it is time for you to rest. When you wake up, I won't be so lenient on you ever again."

"I'm fine. But… but you…" He will disappear if I fall asleep; I just know it.

"...Yes, there is so much that needs to be talked about. I will be very harsh on you from now on, bringing you to your full potential, and I forbid you from even thinking of disappearing either. But for now, you just need to rest. I will take care of the rest, and I'll be waiting until you can come to meet me on your own two feet." His words are enough to make me trust him not to leave. He wouldn't lie like that. He will be cruel to me, but I know that for what I have done, that is all that can be done for it. I will never stop repenting for it, but with him there… I can stay on his golden path until maybe even the sorrow will feel manageable.

"No… I won't sleep until you tell me everything. Senpai… tell me everything, don't hold back. Just don't go." My eyes were getting heavier.

"Alright, if you want to know about my sins, I will tell you. I was so afraid... not because you weren't strong enough to take it, or for all the people who would suffer because of my lack of foresight... but because I knew once you saw me, you would see me for who I really am. I am the one who forced you and caused you hurt; I am the one who is to blame. That I... I'm the source of all your pain, Sakura. So..."

He is damning himself. "H-how could you say that about my Senpai...? He is kind and hard-working, and he never gives up on anything... He never broke even when there was no hope. I made a promise... and I broke it. I betrayed you, and I used you so I could drown in the suffering that I was too weak to live with. I have become unforgivable. So how can you blame my Senpai!?"

"...Hah. Yeah, blaming myself is just another selfish thing... because if I blame myself, then I can delude myself into thinking I can solve it all alone." I don't know what he is thinking. I never really did. All I had was a mirage I created for myself, and I could not see that the boy was suffering and I was selfishly and desperately holding onto him as another burden. "I am not good with innocent people, Sakura. You can obtain neither forgiveness nor salvation. The past can never be wiped clean, and a good deed does not absolve an evil one. The sins that have been carried out, the curses that stick to a person… will stay until the day you die. ...That is why you could never heal because you lived in denial of the past you simply wished to escape. I was a fool, and I did nothing to help you... I selfishly took you in and tried to steal the suffering that was rightfully yours. You were weak, Sakura… but so was I. This weakness, its name is…"

"Senpai?" What was he going to say? I held onto his every word.

"From now on, I'll have to keep hurting you, so you don't fall back to how you were. I will have to push you where you don't like to be pushed and force you to confront what you don't want to confront. ...What would you say to me if I had to go, Sakura? Not leave you forever, but to remove myself from you until you find your own feet to stand on."

"What...? No! I don't want you ever to leave my side ever again... I don't want you ever to go...! I don't want it! I can't live without you!" It would be so easy to hold onto him and the delusions forever. To pretend that forgiveness would come to me by his side... but... "...But I know that I can't be a little girl anymore. To commit the same mistake again. I can't do that. Even if you are going into danger, I believe in you. I know that until I am my own person, the safest place for you is away from me. I can't heal if I feel like I could just fall into your arms and stagnate forever. ...I know that, but I don't want it…!" The words are like knives stabbing me.

"I see. Then you really have grown up, Sakura; the rest will have to come with time. Don't worry about anything else until you've rested properly. For now, I'll take care of it in your stead. You will wake up with many things to atone for, but they are your own sins and not ones anyone else can face. So there are only your own wishes remaining. But for now, sleep." I feel light again, no longer held down to earth. I turn around to look at him and…

"I don't wanna… I want to stay… awake… with you…"

"What you wish for and what must live with are two different things. Your first lesson is in learning how to let go."

It is not fair he did that. He never... initiated anything with me before. He only received my selfish delusional dirty sexual advances with true and pure love, but I knew that he saw a love different from mine. He saw me like a sister. Even though he had faced corruption and torture, he remained pure like cold steel. So for him, it was love. Duty and empathy do not equal love; I know that now. "No... I don't want to...! I love you...! So how could I have just let go of you!?"

Then he says the words I fear the most. "Sakura... You don't know what you love."

The image shatters. Who was it that I said I loved so much? It was just an effigy that I wished into being. I fell in love with my perfect Senpai. I never fell in love with Emiya Shirou. The truth was cruel: he loved me for the terrible person I really was, and I only loved him for how long he would shine for me.

I know I am hopeless. I can't see myself making it to the days that he promises will come. Days without worry where I smile without regret or darkness stabbing me. Yet why can't I stop this hope of mine? Even now, I can only dream of us together, finally reaching a spring of peace and happiness. "..." Maybe I am just the same fool as before, putting everything I am on following him, but this time... the cycle of mistakes will end, and however that may be, I must face it with all the resolve I can.

I start feeling sleepy. "No…" I don't want to let go… If I sleep, he will disappear again! I can't let him… I feel heavy in his arms. I'm tired. My body is exhausted, but my soul has finally found its guide, so I feel like I could drift off forever. I struggle to keep my eyes open, but he holds me hostage to the coming of slumber, and I fall asleep. "...Sen-pai…"

The last I see is the boy was a heroic monster ushering me into the darkness. The coming days will be long and arduous. For the first time in nine years, I will have to live. The ten days in which I woke up only to find my guide gone are over. I think of the warm springs to come and try to grasp their hazy image.

Clear in that darkness, above all else, I see a cup that has reached its limit. The container has been properly filled. The promised time is coming.

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Witching Hour (Music) /EQC0DcXFxvE

Ten days after the battle at the temple, and I could not get that field of swords out of my mind. It was quiet, yet after much rebuilding and the efforts of everyone in town and outside of it, the damages that were done have been repaired to the point that normal human life can continue. Fulfilling my role as a hero and as the knight of those that can not be here, I did my utmost to fix the problems that human society could not.

Undoing Bounded Fields and residual Curses, cleansing evidence of supernatural activity and pollutants. Removing traces of what truly happened here in the last few weeks and doing the terrible work of a magus, concealing the moonlit world from those living in the light. But… to say that was my only mission and wish is a lie. I searched for her desperately.

I looked for Arcueid, as I felt her presence somewhere, and yet… nothing. I could feel her so faintly in the gentle wind, but she was nowhere. …I know she is there, somewhere, in a place I can not follow. But why must I feel it? Why must I know that it exists if I can never reach it? I can not help but run after the wind, even if a human can only grasp at it, trying to hold something that is the size of the world. She drifted away in the wind, and no matter how hard I tried, I could not keep it in my hands.

I followed her scent as far as I could go. Eventually, I reached the coast where mountains, sea, and moon met together in divine harmony. This is her gift to me. I will know she is there somewhere, but it will always be too far. I stopped before I began pushing myself to reach somewhere I could not go. I could hold onto nothing, so I knew that if I went any farther, then I would lose the one thing she had given me.

I lost an answer and found an answer. So a plus and a minus makes zero. Nothing has changed. I am covered in chains wrapped around my heart, and as I pull, I find that I'm just moving in circles. Making the same mistake over and over, burning until I fade out, I can only move on. But if my light can just last long enough for someone, anyone to see it… Then in the far future, the promised day of return will wait for me.

I stop and turn back towards home.

"I can't make it to you no matter how much I try, so there is no point to it. …But… I'm not going to stop. Until the day the world changes for me, I can only continue until I find a place where someone's weak as I can grasp the world itself."

Until the day that the sun rises in the west and sets in the east. In a field of chrysanthemums, where the moon meets the earth. For now, the moon will remain far away as a place out of reach. That is when I turned back, stopping only to help anyone I came across. Doing all I could to rebuild all that was unnaturally damaged in those days.

After ten days, I found myself at the gate to my own home. The steps back home were cold, and the house was left in a sort of disarray. Not that it had been thrashed, but one could feel that the soul of this place had been damaged. When I found Sakura alone in the shed, I brought her inside and put her in her bed. I covered her and made sure she was warm, then left her. All I can do now is be her greatest ally and greatest bully. After covering Sakura with a warm, comfortable blanket, I went to the kitchen.

"Shirou... Y-you are back. I see, then you are alive then…" Meeting me at the door was the Second Owner of Fuyuki — Tohsaka Rin.

"..."

I put out tea for her without a word as if I hadn't just disappeared for ten days without a word. There is a long silence. I take a deep breath, but Tohsaka speaks before me. "I thought you died. She was inconsolable, waking up and exhausting herself in tears every day. I could do nothing, and truthfully, I didn't feel like doing anything either..." I made her sad. "I don't even know if you are a figment of my imagination at this point, but If I've gone that far off the rails then I really have lost it.

"It's really me, Tohsaka. I just... I am sorry. I can only apologize, even when I know that they are empty words that can not make up for what has happened. Everything that did occur in the last month happened because I live here. That can not be disputed. I thought for a moment even that it would be better if I simply left once and for all, to save you the trouble. But I know that is just running away from fixing what my responsibility is."

"...wi…" She whispers hesitantly.

"What was that?"

"Will you shut up for once~!? Responsibility this, hero that... I can barely handle hearing another word of this incoherent train of thought. ...Look... I am pissed at you, and the issues that have happened certainly were caused by your presence, but it's not like you are alone in that. Sakura is my little sister, and I did nothing for her for so long. I failed to prepare for a vampire incursion, and I was not able to face the truth about your magic before it came to become a problem. So you don't need to say another word; I know all the faults that lead to this moment. I will resolve this myself according to my role as Second Owner."

"...Now you're the one who is going on about responsibility... Something like that can be done alone, but it doesn't have to. Let me share the same burden with you, and nothing can stand in our way. I don't care about any title or contract I have to this town or you. ...I only want to do whatever I can to ease your burden." Suffering is an unlimited thing, and it is not lessened by trying to blame it all on one person. All that can be done against it is to cut the source of it directly until the wounds of the past can heal. Share the pain until we all learn to heal together.

Tohsaka Rin, a girl who has an unfaltering will, begins to cry. "If you are going to say that now... Then why? Why did you leave? How can you say that when you left me all alone…!?" For a while, she hugged me; she desperately kept hold of me as Sakura did. I feel like such a fool. Too weak to save Arcueid; too selfish to save my family; too foolish to save my best friends. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of losing. My blood starts to boil. Why have I been holding back then? Why not use the power I have to the utmost potential? I'm not afraid of the abyss for myself. I'm more afraid that everyone else will disappear into it, leaving me behind. "If you found whatever you were looking for, what would you have done? Stayed away for another week? A month or a year? ...Or would you just leave me here forever, thinking you had died because I couldn't save you. I feel like a joke, sitting here letting you give me more sweet yet empty promises when I- this town is just your second choice in importance."

"Tohsaka…That's not it at all... The thing I am looking for is impossible to find. It doesn't exist, so I was too dumb to realize immediately that the only way to reach it is to make it myself. The reason I do not disappear is not that you and Sakura and all the people here who I love are second to anything else. It is because I value this town before all else that I figured it out at all. If I didn't already know a place which I could not let go of, then I would have kept running after a world without suffering forever, letting everything behind me fall apart." She doesn't know how happy I was to hear her accept Sakura as her sister finally, but it was the one ray of hope in a moment where hope felt far away. "So... I'm here now. This is my home, and my first responsibility is defending it."

"Idiot... Such a thing can't exist. If you set yourself to fail with impossible expectations, then how can you win even a single time?" She is still crying on my shoulder softly. I know better than to tease or say anything about it, so I silently accept her. "I'm such a disgrace… Crying over a stupid boy like this… Father would be so disappointed. It's not like I care if I'm enough for you or anything; just disappear then...! See if I care!"

It was clear by her raging emotions flaring into my eyes that she did care. She wasn't very honest with her emotions. It's clear she needs support now more than ever. She works so hard to be better than anyone who needs an excuse to take a rest. She requires the opposite treatment compared to Sakura. "You are not a disgrace, Tohsaka. If not for you, then Sakura would have been left to die. Only you could have saved her. …We all have weakness, but what counts is that you defeated yours when the time came." Rin accepted Sakura. That is all that matters.

"I have defeated nothing. All I have realized is the scope of my true weakness. I mean... you are not unrelated to that. Every time I need to make the proper decision as a Tohsaka, your dumb face looks at me, and I..." She goes silent. "...I can't do anything to change you, and yet why can't I just wipe my hands of you?"

"If I have influenced you, even a little... then that is..." Embarrassing, but it also makes me really happy. "Well, anyway... It goes the other way too. You've taught me too many lessons to count."

"Yet you never seem to follow them. It doesn't really count if you take the same stance every time." She pouts.

It takes a little while before she calms down, and I help her with some more tea. I treat her using all my skills as a butler.

"You don't seem terribly surprised by my return. I didn't mean to leave without saying anything, but as soon as I started looking through the damage in town... I couldn't stop."

"..I figured that this was one possibility. As you said, there were circumstantial clues left behind. Who put Shinji into the hospital, and who helped pull everyone from the fires that had started near the temple? Only an incredibly foolish person would try and push all of that onto themselves without asking for help or stopping to think. A magus sits back and waits for a situation like this to calm down; they don't make themselves even more invested in it. I was the only one left looking after Sakura; I couldn't go off running after a shadow."

"..." I have no room to speak. I've really messed up this time, haven't I?

"So I was alone. First I was confused, then I was sad, and now I'm just angry. I didn't like the idea of you running off on your own, voiding your contact with me so easily. I can't say that I enjoyed that feeling, Emiya-kun." Her eyes were like knives into my heart.

Is this how Irisviel looked at Kiritsugu everytime he vanished? The fear that someone will just fall off the face of the Earth never to be seen again. A feeling of inadequacy, as if someone was leaving her because she wasn't good enough. Isn't that the same reason why I looked for Arcueid? I was desperate to escape that feeling, so I ran after the wind as if it would prove I had any power. It was stupid; a human can't catch the wind no matter how much they try. But I could have stayed here and attained something right in front of me

"I know that sorry won't cut it… but I'll say it as many times as it takes before it feels real. I'm not running away. I'm going to create the world I am looking for with my own two hands. That first means staying here with you, and Sakura and Fuji-nee... because that is my family."

"..." She is crossing her arms at me and seething; this is Tohsaka at her angriest. "Illyasviel is your true family, is she not? And if she is in trouble, then what will you sacrifice first?"

"...I... won't sacrifice anything. I'm going to find a way where nothing is lost. But I know you won't just accept my words as they are, I made you sad and you will now you will pay me back tenfold for that. I will accept whatever punishment you have in mind... within reason."

She nods. "That will just have to be the starting point then if I can ever trust you again. First, I will Geas you, or else I will never even try to trust you again."

"Geas...? That is pretty serious... Haha… Tohsaka? You can't actually mean that." I see no joke in her stern face. "I mean... something like that could kill me."

"It sure could." She smiles like the devil herself. She learned that one from Irisviel. "When someone turns on me and can weaken me, then is it not natural for me to totally eliminate your potential to do so?"

"By removing my free will!?"

She beams and nods. "You are being dramatic, Emiya-kun. Not all of your free will be taken away, only a large portion of it. Binding you would be the most it can do, and I can't force you to do anything that has to do with your life, but it should ensure that you won't be turning on me for the time being, until I can think of a more permanent solution."

"But-"

"No buts. Now close your eyes. Don't move your body or your Magic Circuit. If you resist, I swear I will do everything I can to destroy you myself! If I can't have you, then no one can."

This doesn't sound logical at all… but Tohsaka seemed to have been manifesting her frustrations with me differently than Sakura. Tohsaka went through a harrowing experience too, and I left her all alone. Of course, now she has lost some sanity in the process.

Maybe if I just indulge her for a bit, then she will go back to normal? "Fine, Tohsaka. But a Geas is a curse, right? If it's a curse then-"

"Of course, now stay quiet." Magical energy blazes around her. "Satz. Beklagter, meine Wörter, werden geglaubt. Weiß ist schwarz. Richtige übliche Peitsche. Die Vergeltung vom Himmel." Her spell finishes, and she tries to force my heart to come under her command, but... "Hmm? …It didn't work? B-but… I couldn't have done it wrong." She was embarrassed.

"No, you did it perfectly. It's just that curses don't work on me."

"What…?" She seems surprised and pauses.

I need to move on. "Well… Anyways, I think that the details about my punishment can come later. I'm not trying to dodge the topic, but first, we should focus on Sakura and securing-" I am interrupted.

"Stop! Repeat what you just said!"

"We should focus on Sak-"

"No, before that!"

Oh. That part. Didn't we talk about this before? "Well, you know... Curses don't work on me, didn't I tell you that? I guess that's a simplification of it. It's not that curses don't work on me, but rather that they never reach the level of affecting my body. They just seem to disappear when coming into contact with me. Oh, but I guess I can curse my body if I felt like it..."

Now she looked even redder. "You… No, you never said that! I never thought you were such a thoughtless boasting liar. That's a preposterous statement, Emiya-kun. Take it back, or else I really will take you up on that challenge! It is impossible for you to just be immune to curses!"

"I mean… It doesn't matter if you do or not; I think that it is what it is."

My eyes record the curse into the records.

The Gandr shot is said to have originated from the northern European tradition. A curse that manifests in the form of a projectile, and when coming into contact with a human can have an effect ranging from giving them a small cold or even outright destroying their bodies from within.

"Hah, I didn't want to have to do that, but you made me. Baka Shirou... Now this will teach you a lesson, hah. You'll be sick for quite like Sakura until you repent. ...What?" She looks at me to find that the area that was hit by her curse turns black, then back to normal as if the curse had been swallowed by my body.

"..." Now she looks at me with faded eyes as if she has just given up. "Oh," Is all she says.

"That could have been really bad if I were lying. What would you do if I was paralyzed for the rest of my life?"

"You would have gotten over it." ...I really need to stop poking the red devil that she was... She is still outraged at me. "Now you're just looking down at me. I can't even curse a second-rate magus like you. You really are the worst. Is this my luck? That in all the world, I get the boy who attracts vampires and has the most heretical of magics possible?"

"What can I do about that? ...Do you want me to leave after all."

Alive (Music) /y_ylNrVEvzY

"No, that is not what I want at all. ...Because I've found in this situation that your problem is well… my problem too. I don't like seeing you sad either. I don't like this sinking feeling in my chest, and I don't want it ever to return. If I leave you alone at all, I feel like I'm letting you win. I don't like losing, Emiya-kun. I guess if a Geas doesn't work, I will just have to think of more drastic measures to keep you in line." A chill went down my back. "So now, with all that in mind: it is only logical that I will be taking control of your and Sakura's lives from now on. I mean, you could disappear at any moment, and then… where would my investment in you go? How would you repay your debt to me? This totally makes perfect logical sense..."

Take complete control over me? Even more than she already has? "I thought you voided all those debts after I saved you?"

"Tch. You still remember that, do you? …Fine. But that was only until that moment, so everything after that is now factored in. You ran away without saying anything, which counts for an infinite debt in my books!"

"...What can I do to pay it off this time?"

"I will have you do what I wanted the Geas to enforce anyway, and trust me, my threat is far more brutal than the Geas would have been for you. Firstly, I want to hear your side of the story, without a single lie or withheld truth, or else I will kill you. Secondly, you cannot leave me again without permission first." It was like the opposite of a restraining order.

…I could say no, but it would make Tohsaka cry. "I know… ...You deserve that much, Tohsaka. I don't know about the second part, but whatever you want to know, then I'll tell you. I never want to lie to you."

"That's your first lie. Do you want to die?"

"N-no."

"Good. Now talk, and don't mess up, or my evaluation of you will really fall apart." I don't know what she means by that, but she moves on. "First, I want to know where you have been for the last four days and what happened after Sakura and I were… incapacitated."

"After that…? ... defeated Arcueid at great cost." I can only say I won because Arcueid wouldn't like it if I said otherwise.

She shakes her head. "Strike two, you lie to me one more time and you really will die. There's no way that you could even stand up to her for a second. She is the most powerful vampire, and she wasn't even holding back her impulses anymore. In modern human terms, that's like a nuclear bomb worth of energy and destruction."

"...It's no lie. Even a nuclear bomb can be felled if you cut off the source of its detonation. If it hesitates to explode, then even a human can stand up to it." Even if she let me win, it was still a win. "After we fought, I… was badly hurt, to a point beyond repair. Then, Arcueid… Arcueid, with the last of her power, brought me back from the brink for the second time."

"Second time?"

"Err… It's no big deal…" That other time, I was completely torn to shreds by fighting Chaos inside of himself. "It's been a long month…"

"To reform something that is alive yet badly damaged…? That is behind even first-class magic; that's something only the greatest of vampires could do. It's said that the power in vampiric magecraft is above all others in attaining partial immortality. There is a good reason it is banned, however."

"Something like that…" But I never felt that Arcuied was using magecraft. Arcueid had knowledge of it, but when she saved me last, all I felt was the light of the earth entering me and charging me up like a long empty battery. As if she simply gave something inside of me the strength to put me back together.

"Was it all a plot to have her help to defeat Gilgamesh, then have her weak enough to beat her too? That's not playing with fire, Shirou… that would be playing with a volcano, thinking you can control that."

"No, it wasn't like that. I just… wanted her to feel things in a way that she couldn't before. I didn't want it to end like that. I just… did." It's true that all I wanted was for Arcueid to learn the joys of an everyday. But… deep down, I am ashamed of the predator in my eyes that can look down at every situation as if it is just a way to break down everyone in front of me. That is there, yes, but it is never my intention. It's just that mission of building someone up first uses the method of bringing them down. When the time came, I had to break her down to the smallest parts to bring back the true Arcueid back from the brink of despair.

"...Yeah… I shouldn't have doubted you," Tohsaka almost smiled as if to say that she would have been very sad had that all been a lie. Lies and truth all melded together down to zero. All of them melted until they were an unlimited array of swords. "But… where did you go after all that?"

"...I was cleaning up after us… I brought you, and Sakura home, then I brought Shinji to the hospital and saved as many people as possible from the aftermath." The fire and corruption that remained on that mountain were still a threat to the police, who were barring it off. I did my best to contain the Holy Grail and cover everything that would make it look like anything more than an uncontrolled gas explosion. "That's not it, though. That was just the excuse for what I really was looking for those ten days. I was really searching after I finished the rest of it."

"For Arcueid?"

"...Yes. No... I don't know. I..." Don't know what I was looking for. All I know is that I am a failure. I succeed in only making this world dirtier even as I try my best to make people smile. "Arcueid was kind of like a family member to me in a way I can't really explain. The sort you only meet once but can't get out of your head. …Is it really enough for me to just move on, only having those moments when I will remember she must be out there too, working as hard as she can?" I say it all without stopping. I don't know why I say it, but it is Tohsaka, and should trust her if I want her to trust me. "Sorry, I don't expect any answer. The whole reason I ran after her was to look for an easy answer I knew didn't exist. By the time I knew what I was doing, a week had passed like it was nothing."

A long silence in which Tohsaka's face is stern yet understanding. "Shirou…" She sighs. Then she takes on a face of resolve. "Follow me." She takes my hand and forces me to sit with her on the porch where Kiritsugu and I used to waste nights together. The madder red town in reaching a zenith as day turns to night. Is it because of the evening sunlight? "Now, sit."

Her familiar gesture looks so fresh and cute that I'm fascinated. "Wel ...Here. I got this for you on the way back." It was an orange juice someone was selling on the street. A bad excuse for an apology gift, but that was all I could think of.

"Oh, yeah, I'll take it. Good, you're considerate about things like this. …Baka, you really are bad at this." She receives the juice box and takes a sip out of the straw. "As if juice will make me forgive you..."

...She's sitting beside me, and it feels really natural. She looks down at the yard as if she's watching something bright. "..."

"..."

I follow her example and look down as I drink. It must be the time of day everyone comes home. They sure are energetic, running as their lives depend on it.

"...Hey. Were you on the track team before, Emiya-kun?" Somehow she is inspired to ask that.

Then, Tohsaka suddenly asks me a strange question. "Track team? No, I have always been in the archery club."

"...I see. Well, I guess there are times like that. Seeing the setting sun just reminded me. Some people really just want to run through life, not slowing down at all. Jumping again and again even when it stops making sense."

Aren't you like that, Tohsaka? I almost tease her but stop. Telling me to forget about it, Tohsaka continues to drink the orange juice. "..." I'll forget about it if she wants me to. When she calls me "Emiya-kun", half the time, she's going to make a sarcastic remark, and the other half, she's going to say something really important. I'm sure in this case, it's the latter. Tohsaka's hand held my shoulder tight. It was a very intimate thing to her standards. "I'll only say this once, and I know I am a hypocrite for saying it, but if you push yourself this hard again, then I'll just kill you myself to get it over with." Tohsaka's hands wrapped around my back, and she held me tight. "So don't leave, or else I really will have no idea who to kill when the time comes."

"Hah. Tohsaka... Thank you. My head goes to dark places I can't escape out of alone. ...I will be leaving you alone in August, but I can't help that... I can't just abandon her." Illya still inhabits my mind. I refuse to ignore her even if she would say I should.

She has a strange look in her eyes. "You are going to London, right? ...That's no problem," her hands leave my back. She mutters something to herself and then nods.

"Why's that?"

"I've been thinking quite a bit as you were gone. My head felt clear after all that… My idea of what a magus is was a chain wrapped arround my throat, and that was what I accepted it to be. But now, I'm not so sure I can go back to that, simply living for the sake of rules that were written by people who are all gone. But of course, when a problem comes at me, I just become more active, not less. So I have been rethinking everything to make a new solution to all these complex problems. Leading to a single solution." She sighed in relief and then looked at me with a devilish smile. "It's really quite fortunate that you are back; otherwise, my solutions were far more drastic."

"..." I was getting goosebumps. This was not good. She only looked like this when she knew she has already beaten me.

"Where do you see yourself in two years? After you graduate, I mean… Are you going to succeed your dad?"

"Huh? ...Well, that's true, but I don't think it is that important to succeed him completely. It's more important that I am a successful magus so I can boast about it."

"Oh? And to whom are you going to boast?" She smiles as she asks.

"..." I laugh a bit on the inside, but mostly there is that fear. The fear I can't surpass barriers that I must surpass. Unless the day comes when I can make Tohsaka admit defeat, I will not have grasped anything of value to me.

"I-It doesn't matter, right? My goal right now is to become a proper magus, and that's why I'm still your apprentice right now. I can't be getting ahead of myself."

"Oh, you sure are optimistic. Do you think you can become a proper magus in a year if you haven't been able to do so in the last three? I was ready to teach you for ten years when you became my apprentice... But I see; you're fine with just two more years, huh?"

"T-Ten years...!? That's great, but―no, that's not it...! T-that's really a long way ahead. Wouldn't you get tired of me?"

"Nope. As your goal is to become a proper magus, my goal is to make you a proper magus. I have it all planned out in my head, you know? Should I write it down and give it to you?"

"...Uh, um..." Well, that's... That's great, but...

"But I guess that's impossible. You're going to succeed your dad, right? Then that means you'll be staying here after you graduate."

"...Yeah, I guess... But what are you going to do? Your family supervises this town. You can't leave this town, right?"

"Me? I'll be going to London after I graduate. Since I already went ahead and contacted a certain Lord of the Clock Tower, I will be taking preliminary classes this summer to prepare for full classes after graduation."

My head goes black, and I respond on impulse. "That sounds great." Wait… "...Wait for a moment, what…? This summer!?"

"Yup. There's a limit to what I can do here, so I'm thinking of studying after high school. Since the admissions process is such a pain, I figured I might as well use you to get some special treatment. I am planning to go there regardless. I hear that my dad did the same thing. And it's natural to go to the highest institute of education if you want to be a proper magus, right? Why not take the plunge now rather than later?"

"..." I'm astonished. It's so sudden that my head blanks out. "B-but I thought you wanted to use your own accomplishments…"

"That went out the window as soon as you started this mess. I can't have my apprentice embarrassing himself all alone; that reflects badly on me, you know? ...I can't tell you that your goal as a magus is wrong without degrading my own, so all I can do is help you save Illya the proper way."

I am overwhelmed. "Hah… Yeah. You got me there. Thank you... Tohsaka. You really are like family to us, aren't you?"

She gets pink and embarrassed at that. "W-well I don't know if I'd go that far… but… maybe a little. Enough that it has reached the point I can't just let you break the rules and go take classes all on your own when I know you will be wasting with your foolishness."

"How did you manage to organize this so fast?"

"As I said, I was restless here looking after Sakura. It wasn't really even anything about you. It's vexing, but it's not because they approve of my own powers. I was only invited because of my father, and I'm the last one alive, as well as my connection to you. So I would be going even if you did die." She speaks casually, but I'm sure it's an amazing thing.

"This summer..." And Waver went along with all that? He was probably hoping that I was dead and was happy thinking he could just substitute you for me according to the arrangement. But, hmm… He didn't really need to do that. He could have just left it up in the air hoping that he would never have to hear from the Einzberns again. In that case, maybe he did it out of the goodness of his heart. That is unlikely, however.

"Considering all the things that we now know about you, I couldn't possibly allow you to go alone anyway. ...If you are here now, then that means they never learned the truth behind your magic. This is important, Shirou: never ever even mention the idea of a Reality Marble; that's suspicious enough. Never go near the Department of Curses, and don't project anything crazy in front of another magus. Those rules should be the minimum for you to follow; the rest you should already know, considering you have been going to that place for three years. Oh, and if you decide to ignore me, then I'll try my best to bid for your brain when the time comes, Emiya-kun. It would really fit in well in my workshop." Her smile keeps pressuring me with evil energy.

"I'll keep that in mind," I gulp.

"It is inevitable that people will be interested in your abilities... Theoretically, projection of even a Noble Phantasm is possible within the confines of magecraft. That is already something that would be considered a high-magecraft that only the greatest of magi would consider, but you would not be alone in that ability; most of the greater families can achieve something of that level, mine included. The issue arises when considering if you could construct something that could be greater than the original. Or even if you could create more energy than you put in..."

"There is no rule saying a fake can not surpass an original."

"Yes, there is... at least for normal people. ...Jeez, you are crazy... I probably can't even make you lie about that since you are so stubborn about stupid things.

"I promise..."

"Hah, good. I know you value your own life enough not to cause your own Sealing Designation purposely, but I could see you doing it unknowingly if I don't train you properly."

"You really are a good teacher... In the opposite way that my mother was." Mother was irresponsible, but she really did have a lot of good advice that one would never gain through normal trains of thought. Tohsaka is a douse of sanity over the madness that Irisviel implanted in me.

She crosses her arms. "Hmph, I don't need you to say it; I know full well my ability."

The logistics were hard enough when it was just me. I start thinking. "..." I can't just leave Sakura all alone for a month...

"As for these lessons, I am quite interested in how far I can push them before I enter the Clock Tower proper. Usually, this sort of thing doesn't happen unless you are from a preeminent family. I am sure that they are forced to invite me officially after seeing me like this. ...Whoa, would one year be enough...? Maybe next year too? That will really jumpstart my status. I could even gain the eye of one of the Department researchers before I even begin..." As for the rent and the money, that is a problem if I don't want to eat into Dad's savings. And I'm not going to touch the money of the Von Einzbern clan, even if I could access it so easily. I have a good job for myself there, but for two…? But there really isn't much space where I get sent anyway, and since I'm supposed to be hidden in plain sight, I can't just move into some new good place worthy of Tohsaka. In fact, I don't even know if I should go this summer at all since I'm not much of a proper magus. Maybe I should just focus on protecting Illya directly rather than with all these added steps. "...Hey. Are you listening to me, Emiya-kun?"

"Huh? Were you saying something, Tohsaka?"

"..." Tohsaka frowns and shuts her mouth. ...So. After taking a deep breath, she makes a serious face and... "I forgot to tell you, but I'm being invited as the successor of the Tohsaka family. In other words, I can get a proper room as a proper magus."

...She says something strange. "Yeah...?"

"Even if it's just preliminary classes, I'm telling you that they approve of me as a proper magus. So it's not unusual for me to have an apprentice or two, right? There are factional disputes there, so I'm allowed to take at least one of my apprentices."

Tohsaka sneaks a peek at me. "...So…?"

"Yup. I can unconditionally take one follower as an assistant. You won't have to take the test that way, and you'll be exempt from tuition fees. ...Well, but you'll be in a disadvantageous position because you'll be a student at the Magic Association without being part of it."

"..." My head resumes its thinking. No, I force it to start working again. What Tohsaka is telling me… I put every cell in my brain to work to weigh my options. I must look funny, as Tohsaka is giggling. "I'm sorry, but I don't know why you are laughing. I don't know what you are trying to say here."

"Is that all you want to tell me? Well, I'm going to London." She looks kindly at me. Then, Tohsaka makes a mischievous expression. "What do you think I'm saying?" She asks me gently, with eyes that see through me. She doesn't need Mystic Eyes when it comes to me.

"..." I don't know what'll happen to me if I keep staring at her, so I look away.

...I still feel Tohsaka's presence. She's happily watching my reaction. "Hey, Shirou. What's your answer?" She murmurs gently.

"T-Tohsaka... You are aware I can't do that. S-sharing a room… That wouldn't be good if it got out."

"Huh…? W-why not...?" Her face pales.

"If I were Emiya Shirou, then I would say yes... but at the Clock Tower, that is not the name I go by. ...You are right; for an Emiya, joining the Clock Tower is something I do not care for... But I am also a Von Einzbern. There is something I must do as a magus there, so I..."

"What…? Tell me you didn't do what I think you did?" Tohsaka is livid.

"Well, I kind of did… do that. I wasn't really thinking… I just wanted to get Illya's attention, so I kind of... assumed being both the head of the Emiya and the Von Einzbern… Only on the surface, of course, but I thought that if she didn't like it, then she would have to say so herself. …I didn't quite think that it would cause so many assassins to be sent after me, but it's too late to regret now. I am the eldest son of Irisviel and Kiritsugu, so it's not like I was completely wrong to do it... Illya is the one who left, so I had to do it. You can understand that more than anyone, right Tohsaka?"

She knows full well the consequences of taking that action. To take on the name of the Von Einzbern is nothing short of assuming authority over a clan that magi see as being easily as powerful as any of the Lords of the Clock Tower. It was impossible for my entrance into Clock Tower not to ripple out into cascading political ramifications. I was twelve when I first arrived there, and I was not in a good place at all. I didn't even attempt to act with regard for anyone but myself as I maneuvered coarsely, trying to figure out the things that my father left behind for me. I am fifteen now, and I'm still just an immature kid trying to play at being an adult. I keep making mistakes, but I can't stop or start regretting them, or else I'll become lost again.

"..." I try to reason with her, but she just shakes her head at me. She is silent with her eyes closed.

"Sorry… I said too much, didn't I? I really should have told you all this before you went and joined me, didn't I? I cause trouble everywhere I go with this, don't I?" Now I see why Waver would accept her coming so easily. He was probably so euphoric hearing I wouldn't have to come anymore that he would accept anything that forceful Tohsaka said to him.

"You think? As I see it, Servants who make trouble like this must be punished so severely that they can no longer physically make it again." She looks at her hands, then my neck. "...That must be strike ten at this point... Too many lies I don't like..." The next thing I know, I am being killed.

"Hey, wait… Wah…T-Tpshakaa… C-choking me…"

"Die. Die. Die." She does not appear human. She doesn't hold back in pushing herself over me as we lose all shame, replacing it with murderous impulse. After a lengthy session of her trying to kill me, she finally exhausted herself. "Hah… Stop resisting so much… I just… wanted to kill you for a little while. I don't know what came over me. "

"Well… I will die if I am killed, so don't do that."

She shrugs. "I'm not so sure that even applies to you anymore. Maybe that would make a good experiment." She crossed her arms and was clearly angry.

"...Do you hate me now?"

"I know I am a hypocrite for blaming you. You may not be blood-related to the Emiya or the Einzberns, but you certainly were within your rights to position yourself as their head since I doubt Illya could care at all for the Association. I'm used to you making big messes, and that may be a bad thing… It's just that… why didn't you trust to tell me?"

Hope (Music) /QTAcJ0ZcUkI

Trust. Do I not trust her because I think only I can do something, or am I worried about what may happen to her if I let her too close? ...I don't want anyone to have to fight but me... but what happened to Sakura happened precisely because of that weakness of mine. I can't imprison other people just because I can't handle seeing them sad.

"..."

"..."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry."

"No- I apologized first."

"No- I apologized first."

"..."

"..." We kept repeating each other.

"This is going nowhere. I'm in the wrong here; you are an Einzbern, and blaming you for that was wrong of me. …Can we skip the part where we forgive each other already?"

"I'm fine with that if you are, Tohsaka. …But I'm willing to keep this hug going as long as you want."

"Eh...? Oh...! That was... What you doing, Emiya-kun? Being so forwards like this...?" She was the one who had been looking at me like she really needed a hug, and was mad that I wasn't going to give it.

"Then I'll stop then." I move to leave, but I find that the way is shut. Tohsaka was still holding me, even after she stopped trying to choke me to death. But when I think she will react rapidly away in disgust, she instead does something unexpected. …She rests her head on my shoulder, and I start to feel her holding me tighter, "W-what are you doing, Tohsaka?"

"Baka... You keep running away; why not slow down for a minute? ...Just this once, what if I said I don't want to let go? Logically, I know I can't keep you chained like this forever, but for some reason, this is all I can think to do. I'm sick of the cold, and suffering things for no good reason. If I'm really going through with taking Sakura back as my sister, then I'm sure as hell not letting you shirk your responsibility to me either." Uncontrollably, my heart fastens, and my cheeks go red. I read the same excitement on her as I feel inside myself. Why do we only notice this now? When we were younger, this emotion wasn't even there.

"...Tohsaka... Sure... As long as you want." I don't really know what responsibility she feels I have to her, but I know I have so many I must follow. To those who died when I lived, and to the corruption that killed them. To the family that I lost, the family that I had to let go of, and the family I need to rebuild all on my own. To the moon that I can't help but love from afar and the ever-distant utopia that saved me. All things are out of my grasp, as they are either lost in the past or someplace uncertain in the future.

Some call responsibility a curse, but all I can see it as is a blessing that gives me hope that there is some kind of redemption even for me. I realize that I hold one in my hands at this very moment and that I need to value that which I can hold above everything else. It is so easy to take something, or someone, for granted until the moment it disappears. Tohsaka finishes my thought as if she is reading my mind. "Don't worry about me. I can take care of myself... but even before Arcueid came, sometimes I would think that... If I stand by doing nothing, you'll drift off somewhere never to return."

"..."

"Then, from now on, I'm going to stop being kind and become a man who you won't have to worry about. One of these days, I'm going to make it so you will be the one depending on me. You may outclass me in magic easily, but when it comes to the body, I have a few things that I think can even help you become better."

She looked at me with fake sweetness. "I see. Are you calling me fat, Emiya-kun? There is no way you would think that, would you?" I totally don't think that! I was freaking out, and it was making me seem guilty.

"W-what? No, I was trying to say something deep. I would never think about your body in that way!"

"Oh, what way would you be thinking of my body then?"

"..." I am a beaten. "I don't know what to say…"

"Maybe you should stop then. Leave it to me to think; you are a better fit for the kitchen and the cleaning."

"I feel like this is demeaning somehow, but I can't really disagree with you…"

"It's time for me to look over my plans for the coming months. With Gilgamesh gone, that is a major worry out of the way. This town is completely mine to look after now, and I seriously doubt another monster like Arcuied will drift into town again. You can't believe how much paperwork all this requires."

There will be no more wandering monsters arriving in Fuyuki out of nowhere. Only someone absurd like Arcuied would have a crazy reason to come here anyway. Yeah… it was a miracle that Arcueid arrived at all. Of all the possibilities that this world could have, that one is truly unique. But somehow, I can't imagine this new me without my experience with her and learning the truth about this world and Gilgamesh.

"Y-yeah, we should rest. T-the logistics of us going to the Clock Tower can b-be ironed out later…" I can barely talk to this girl now. What is happening to me? I've known her for so long, but something has changed between us.

"What is it, Emiya-kun, embarrassed about something?"

"N-no… I mean, you kissed me on the cheek, and I was just remembering-" My head is melted over. I can handle a curse of pure hate, but this? I can't deal with Tohsaka's cute face so close to mine. Arcueid also kissed me, but all I can remember of that is the taste of iron.

"B-baka… What are you talking about…!?" With what seems like a degree of effort, she moves away from me. Somehow, leading us both to have a sort of disappointment we can't quite understand as if some magnetism is pulling our bodies together. "W-well, it's evening now, and I need t-to go… study…! School comes back tomorrow, and you are trying to get one over me by clouding my brain with bad thoughts… Hmph! Goodbye!" She leaves, then comes back for a final message. "…You better come to school tomorrow too… or it will be boring."

"Y-yeah. It's almost dinner time. I'll cook tonight for all the days I missed." She marches off, but I sense no anger in her. She doesn't hate me for lying, but she just wants something more… And that is a sense I share, but neither of us can yet understand it. Sure, I always admired her, but it's not like my heart wouldn't stop beating even after she left, and I feel a lingering sensation where she had held my shoulders.

New sensations. Times change.

I can't stay in the same place forever. Tohsaka and I will be going someplace different soon. It should be a while before I find out if it is the right choice or not.

As I turn, I feel as if I see someone familiar waving at me, smiling. I look out and past the gate a final time, but there is no one there. I recall that white figure one more time. Everything is the same. Everything is an illusion, like a mirage that disappears when one turns around. But I can get there if I aim high. I will surely be able to catch up to her with Tohsaka's help. So I'll come up with an answer at that time.

In my mind, I am still fighting her. A battle that sees no end. ...The swords that echo far away. By relying on those sounds, I shall eventually reach that place again.

---

The reunions were far from over. Later needing dinnertime, she arrived by pouncing on me. "Fuji-nee…"

"You can't believe how worried I was…! We were! Going missing like that at a time like this…! Stupid otouto!"

"I know… I know it was selfish of me… But I really will die if you don't let me breathe...!" The third time in one day that a girl nearly strangles me. At least this wasn't premeditated murder as in Tohsaka's case. "W-well, it's your fault! I'm your guardian, so how do you think I feel not knowing where you are!? You could have died or been kidnapped for all I know! And not to mention Sakura and Shinji... I was rightfully worried!"

"Sorry... I'll keep saying it all day if it makes anyone feel better."

"Well... I'm just glad you are back. This is your home, so I don't feel right coming here even if it is owned by Ojii-san. I know you, Shirou. I've known you since you were a quiet little boy who would follow Kiritsugu everywhere, answering you would become a hero for everyone. If you left, then it was so you could do something you felt was right."

"Y-yeah… So do you forgive me?"

"Hahaha... Not so easily! You think I'm going to let you go all alone into danger without testing your resolve first?". She takes out her cursed Shinai from its tiger-striped scabbard. The famed Tora-Shinai that has seen a thousand kendo fights.

"F-Fuji-nee...! That thing is seriously dangerous!" The curse is so potent that my eyes can see it radiating in the air. Curse

"Sure is. Kiritsugu can't save you this time."

She hits me hard.

"Well!? Do you repent?"

"I get… I get it…! You don't have to abuse me, you evil tiger…!"

"What did you call me punk!? I'm not a tiger~~! Maybe what will keep you from getting lost will be if you legs are broken!" A long beating ensued in which Taiga got her lesson across using force. Clearly coming from her Yakuza ties, she know how to beat someone into submission.

"You really think Irisviel would like it if you forgot all about what you had to get through and all the people around you! If you just ran away from your responsibility to the girls your father was looking after!? And what about all the dinners that you never made!? Huh, punk, what do you say?" She slashes at me with the power of a large cat.

"Pah... Don't think I'll give in so easily. I can't be your weak little brother forever..."

"Yes, you can, and you will! Haa!" The shinai pounds the ground I was at before I jumped away.

I guide her to the dojo, barely escaping. Inside, the battle begins.

"Hey, you are not allowed to have a weapon; that's unfair!" Fuji-nee says as she attacks me with her own personal weapon.

"Let's finish this once and for all, Fuji-nee. I say that I have surpassed you as a master of the sword."

Lightning Swordsman (Music) /srWg_6fMyJk

"Impossible! I will not allow it! Now I won't be holding back then!" A burst of bloodlust starts emanating from her. This is real demonic energy...

I won't be reinforcing myself here, so this will be body versus body, soul versus soul.

The battle begins.

We beat on each other with our bamboo swords. Each blow from us was enough to impact the ground with a strong thud, and we pushed our hearts and lungs to the limit of exertion.

"This is it, my final and single ultimate blow! True Tiger Strike!" I dodge easily.

"You don't have to yell out your attacks, Fuji-nee. It ruins the surprise."

"Pff, you sound like my teacher! He was always saying that I would be disqualified for it."

"That is right, though?" Fuji-nee lost only by disqualification, as she was always doing something ridiculous. ...If I were to teach her real sword combat without rules... No- that would be a disaster.

"Hah, but I don't see any referee, do I? You are distracted!"

"Tch...!" She comes out of nowhere and slams her sword into my hand. It stings, but not as much as the feeling of steel ripping and shattering bones does. "Ahhh...!" I push back with my own attack. I almost slam her to the ground with such a blow, but at the last moment, the sun seems to shine through the small window right into my eyes. Every time I nearly defeat her, it is like the world itself, and her luck conspires against me.

"Got you!" She goes for my legs.

"No!" I block. I slash upward, then transition to the Jodan form, then slash down. Slash. Block. Twist, and then stab into the Gedan form. She matches me each time with ease. She is just better when it comes to this, but I won't be stopping until my heart stops with me. I need to prove to her I am a man now.

"Hah... I... I won't let you grow up!"

"It's too late for that!"

The battle raged on without any victor, each of us inflicting bruises on the other, holding nothing back. It went on until neither of us could go on.

An hour later.

"Hah... hah... haah..."

"Haahh... Haaah..."

Both of us were on the ground, breathing heavily. We fought until neither could psychically stand to attack anymore. Our swords were out of our grasp, and even if we tried, we couldn't pick them up.

Then I see that we are not alone. "Tohsaka...?"

"Tohsaka-chan, it's good... Haa.. that you are here too…! When did you arrive? Now... help me up so I can beat Shirou once and for all..."

"A while ago. I was watching over your battle, making sure you two brutes didn't break anything important."

"I think I broke a bone..." I say.

"As I said, nothing important was broken. You are lucky I started dinner, or else it would never be done at this rate. Why are you two trying to kill one another as soon as you see each other?"

"She started it."

"Nuh-uh, he's the one that ran away!"

"That was... I apologized for that, but I can't regret that I did it! I'd rather make the mistake now then and learn then make it once and never recover."

"...! There is no need for that! Just be a kid, don't worry about anything more than that."

"...Well..."

"She has a point, Shirou. Even given our positions, you need to keep up your life on the surface of things."

"She is right. You may be an orphan, but that doesn't mean you can just run away as if you don't have

"Jeez... I know that..." My surface life? Friends, school, and everything that should be important to me. When did I start losing that? ...Without Illya, it just feels like I am the thief wearing the skin of someone else's life. As if Angra Mainyu was the one who deserved the second chance, and I was the fake. When everything is fake, then nothing is. It is all dependent on how my eyes see it. Mystic Eyes of false truths.

"I see." I am real... so I need to start treating myself better, or else everyone will be troubled.

"Good. I guess that means I win, Shirou! You will have to stay with me now."

"You weren't going to run away?"

"No, I'm staying as much I can...

"Yeah... well, no way! I totally knew that."

"Sure... but now we can't be wasting any more time since Tohsaka had to fix the mess we started. Do you mind if I finish preparing dinner, Tohsaka...? I really should have been more responsible."

"I don't mind."

Later, at dinner. Tohsaka came back from Sakura's room. "Sakura is still sleeping, and I doubt that she will wake up until tomorrow... You can try to force feed her, but she will probably be fine until tomorrow. Considering what we are going to be putting her through soon enough, she can rest now as much she can." That is true.

"Ah... Sakura always used to call me. I have been so busy with school that even Shinji was hospitalized because he was so sick! Do you think she has started to hate me…?"

"Fuji-nee, it's not like that at all… Sakura is sick too, so... she really just needed time to recuperate." Also, the fact that Tohsaka was putting a suggestion in Taiga to keep away from the house for a time. Taiga was looking after Shinji and all the other students who were impacted by these last two weeks, so she was also busy.

"I know Sakura is sick… of course, she is sick because her brother is in the hospital, and you went up into thin air! How irresponsible can you get!"

"I-I know…" She was still rightfully angry, thinking I just ran off somewhere. In reality, I was looking after everyone in town, saving those who would not be found easily with normal tools.

"Do you? As your guardian, I can't just let you go with word alone. I require much more proof that you will be taking this much more seriously from now on."

"Proof…?"

"Dinner first is good, then a reliable schedule. Then some lunch, and breakfast, of course. If you plan ahead, you could even do that every single day, I think."

"I didn't know what I expected, but now that I hear it, I'm not surprised."

Then I hear a foreboding voice. "I completely agree with Fujimura-sensei, Emiya-kun. In fact, I believe that It has already come time for me to make a new schedule for my butler here. One that will make him far more manageable to handle. Is that alright with you as his guardian, Fujimura-sensei?"

"If you want to do that for him, then I think that would be great! You really are reliable at that, Tohsaka-chan. Make sure to keep in mind my minimum demands."

"Of course, I would not mind the same treatment myself."

"..." Am I not allowed to dispute this? ...But in reality, a part of me kind of likes the idea of making Tohsaka's meals for her. A small part, I swear.

When dinner was over, the three of us checked up on Sakura for a while more. Even as time passes on, and the participants wax and wane, the spirit of the kitchen remains. It doesn't feel empty of spirit even after all the trouble that came out of it. After tending to Sakura with some magic out of view from Fuji-nee, Tohsaka decided she was going to bed early. She looked tired after the long day. The school was starting tomorrow after it was on break due to all that happened, so we actually had to get up early.

---

Worldend (Music) /N62StawMcC8

Later. "Shirou, you can't just stay alone with a girl!" Fuji-nee protested.

"W-well… this is Sakura… It's not like it's some unfamiliar girl."

"I mean... If it were anyone else... since I am on team Sakura, this is what I should be allowed... But still, as your guardian, I can not allow you to disgrace Kiritsugu if you go too far. I guess that it can't be helped. " Taiga yields.

"You didn't fight very hard. You are usually pretty conservative about this, even with Sakura."

"If she is like this… then you are the only one that can help her. I've known you two long enough to trust you two."

"Ah... well... She cares a lot for you, Fuji-nee. And Tohsaka, too, is… really important to Sakura."

Taiga shakes her head. "No, it could only be you."

"How so…?"

"Sakura has always been a sad child… she didn't smile for so long, and she could barely talk when I met her. But there was always a single exception."

"But she changed… even if she is still struggling... more than ever... she did change a little, right?"

Taiga shakes her head once again slowly. "That isn't true, Shirou. The only one she ever changed in front of was you. The only one she really ever wanted to talk to was you. She never changed for me or anyone else."

How can I be so blind? How can I be so pathetic? "..."

"So you can stay with her, but I swear that if I even sense that you are doing inappropriate things, then I will beat you up in place of the ones who can't be here."

"I know, I know… This is Sakura; I'd never do something like that to her. She knows that."

"...And that may be the very concern for her..." I didn't understand. I can't understand. My brain is made of steel, so how could I come to understand? "Good night, Shirou. You better come to school tomorrow on time tomorrow, or else."

"I'll come. Who else will keep you in check?" She is gone. Fuji-nee must have worked really hard to get the school back up and running after the tragedies of the last month. I can't make light of her hard work by slacking.

I sit on the chair next to Sakura, softly breathing in and out. She seems peaceful, but she is in pain. A constant ringing in her soul as the tunnel to the center of all things has been forcibly and irrevocably opened. She is like me now.

"How are you tonight…? What do you see when you dream?" I hold her forehead to check her temperature. She has been having sporadic terrible fevers as her body struggles to cope with her connection to the Holy Grail. "...What happened with Shinji was terrible... We share the blame for that. Spreading pain doesn't dilute it; it just makes it even worse. But all that can be done now is to pick up the pieces as best they can. We haven't really been doing that for the last four years, have we…? I was just living in denial, thinking my sins would just disappear if I pretended they never occurred." I take a deep breath. My hand is in a fist. "Now is the time to that can take his place. No more excuses. Just hard work without stopping."

"..."

She is sleeping. I am just talking to myself.

"..."

I become tired quickly as well. The hand on my sleeve keeps me from going anyway. I close my eyes next to Sakura. I fell asleep.

I felt terrible, and my mind was still reeling from everything that had gone on in May; I knew I would still be depressed. Then in June, I would be sad, and in July I would have days where I would feel hopeless. And finally, August will come, and I will start to forget the feeling of loss and sadness that I don't want to forget. The memories of the moon will become an image in my mind, but nothing more.

Later. I wake up with a start as Sakura shakes me awake in fear. "What is it, Sakura? I'm still here."

"Senpai… Y-you real… I'm so glad… But…"

"But what? Did you have a nightmare? It's not real; It won't happen." The residual effects of her experience will continue for as long as it haunts her. "It can't hurt you anymore. I'll protect you until you can

"T-that's not it, Senpai… The dream… The dream… I saw a cup, and it was almost full… It kept dripping and dripping as if it was laughing at me. It's almost full, Senpai! Don't you understand? It was ready to start pouring out into the world... It's not even black anymore, yet why does it still terrify me!?"

I comfort her. "..." But my teeth clench in pain, so much blood comes off my lips. No more childish blunders.

The moon was watching me quietly; softly, she must be sleeping. All I can do now is to show off as much as I can in her dreams.

I get it. I can't turn away. The time is now ticking down to zero. After that day began the end of spring and the start of summer; in the middle of that, once we were ready, the news that the Holy Grail War would be starting in two years was sent by letter to the Church and the Association.

---

Authors Notes:

Huge thank you to D-Quarter005, who has been helping me to beta/edit the old chapters. It will take time, but I think one day, this story will be pretty clean of errors. Sorry for the wait; I have been working, and I did update Broken Moon a lot, so check that out. This chapter is not as long as the ones before, but 30k updates are really unsustainable.

This chapter is all about returning to normalcy. Shirou at the moment is similar to post-fate Shirou. He is resolved to see his duty and life through in order to find his ideal utopia, but all he really feels as he tries to get there is sadness. Where this leads him, only time will tell. Obviously, it could still go anyway.

Mystic Eyes of false truths is mostly a poetic name for what Shirou has in this story. It is probably the most accurate way to describe it, though as what he sees is more esoteric than most clear-cut Mystic Eyes. As far as I see it, it is like he can see inside his own soul as a manifestation of the third magic. You could also call it demonic perception or human perception, but those are not quite right. They are powerful in their own right that could reach the highest rank, but it's an observational skill first. It doesn't have much practicability compared to Shiki's Death Perception, so I don't think Shirou become OP by having them as much as he gains something truly unique.

Next we will be moving towards Sakura's rehabilitation then right to the Clock Tower proper and the start to the HGW buildup.

Reviews are welcome as always.