"If I ever were to lose you I'd surely lose myself." - Future Days - Pearl Jam, 2013
"Hey, why did the chicken cross the road?" Ellie asks as she walks around with a stick. She's going around like a kid normally does in the woods. She walks around hitting things with the stick, crouching to look at things on the ground.
"To get to the other side?" I ask but she shakes her head.
"To get to the idiot's house."
"Ha, ha." Joel says as he pours the Chef Boyardee out of its can and into the pot.
"Knock, knock," Ellie says.
"Who's there?" Joel asks. Ellie bursts into giggles. I look back and forth between them before I get it and I start laughing, too. "What?" Joel asks.
"Y-you get it?" Ellie stutters between her laughs. "You're the idiot!"
Joel turns back to the food. "Come on, come eat."
"Food!" Ellie drops her stick and runs over. She sits down across from Joel and I sit to the side of them both. I take one of the camping plates from Joel and watch as Ellie starts eating quickly. Way too quickly. Just like she had when she wasn't avoiding eating for the last week.
"Slow down," Joel says.
"This is slow," Ellie says. But she does slow down.
"You're not doing something wrong," I tell her after I finish a bite of food. "FEDRA school doesn't give you a lot of time to eat, right?" She nods her head. "It's not your fault that you've been taught to eat differently."
"People eat slow like that all the time?" She motions towards me and Joel with her fork.
"Yeah, it's better for your body to eat slower. You can listen to your hunger cues more this way, too."
"I don't have those," Ellie says around a bite of ravioli.
"I know," I say as I cut up a piece of my ravioli. "But you will. It'll just take time."
"You say that like you know for sure," Ellie says.
"I went through the same thing around your age, but for different reasons."
"Why?"
"Long story for later, yeah?" She sighs and stabs at her food.
"It's always later."
"It won't always be later, though. I promise."
"What are we even eating?" She asks, changing the topic. Something she's good at doing whenever we get to something that makes her uncomfortable.
"That is twenty year old Chef Boyardee ravioli," Joel says.
"That guy was good," Ellie says, talking with her mouth open.
"I actually agree," Joel says.
"You ever eat it before?" Ellie asks. Joel just nods, so she turns to me.
"Every day after school when I'd stay with my grandparents growing up."
"Really?" She asks.
"Really, as soon as I got in the door they'd start cooking it while I sat down to watch new episodes of Pokémon on TV."
"I think I've seen those cards before! Some of the kids at school trade them, did you ever have any?" I see the excitement in her eyes and I don't even think about it. I reach into my pack and dig until I find the waterproof bag inside. I look through the documents, purposefully avoid Aiden's pictures and comic, and at the bottom, I find what I'm looking for.
"Here," I say after I close up my pack. I hand over four cards. The color has faded with time, but they're still intact.
"Woah!" She says as she looks down at them. "Pick-a-chew?"
"Pee-ka-chu, like you're sneezing."
"It's so cute and fat," she says as she looks down at the card. "So cool," she looks at the other three cards. A Bulbasaur, Charmander, and-
"Oh it has sunglasses!" She squeals as she holds the card up to her face.
"Squirtle," I say. "They wore sunglasses for a couple of the TV show episodes, too."
"These are awesome! How'd you find them?"
"Ah, they're from before."
"Before?" She whispers and looks up at me. "These were yours before?"
"My dad wanted me to pack something small when we decided to look for my mom," I say as I push my food around on my plate. "I packed those and a couple other things, but they're the only things other than important documents that made it to Boston. I had more in the QZ, if I'd known you'd like them, I would've brought them, I'm sorry."
"It's okay," Ellie says as she looks down at them. "You said you had more, were they yours or," she trails off. She doesn't look up at me, but I know what she's asking.
"They were my son's," I say quietly.
"What was his name?" I feel tears burn my eyes and my fork shakes in my hand.
"Ellie-" Joel starts but I shake my head.
"Aiden," I say. I feel Joel's eyes on me, but I ignore him and focus on my food.
"Aiden?" She asks.
"Yeah."
"I wish I could've met him," she says as she moves the cards to look at the Bulbasaur card. "I think this is my favorite."
"It was his, too. Even though he could never say the name right."
"What is it?"
"Bulbasaur, it's actually the first one listed in the Pokédex. It's a grass type, which is why Aiden liked it. He really liked anything to do with gardening."
"Thank you, for letting me look at-"
"Keep them," I say as I take a bite of my food.
"What? I can't-"
"They make you happy, keep them safe in your joke book, yeah?"
"Are there Pokémon puns?" She asks as she slips the cards into the front cover of her joke book. I reach over in my bag and grab my one spare waterproof bag that I traded too many ration cards for, and hand it to her. She quickly stuffs her book inside.
"There are, we can save them for later in the trip."
"Yes!" Ellie pumps her hand in the air before she puts her new bag inside of her backpack. "Hey," she says as she goes back to her food. "How long are we staying out here?" I look over to Joel as he eats some more of his ravioli.
"I figure I sleep tonight, drive all day, night, get us to Wyoming by next mornin'," Joel says. Ellie nods as she shoves two pieces of ravioli into her mouth.
"So can we start a fire? I'm freezing."
"Now why am I gonna tell you no?" Joel asks as he finally looks up at her.
"Because infected will see the smoke," she says as she moves her fork.
"No, fungus ain't that smart," Joel says.
"This is too remote for infected, too kiddo. Hear all the bugs and birds?" She looks up from her food to look back and forth between us before she speaks.
"People?" Joel nods. "So what are they gonna do? Rob us?"
"Oh, they'll have way more in mind than that," Joel says as he eats.
I suddenly feel full. But I force myself to eat anyway.
"Okay," Ellie says as she nods her head. She has no clue what's out there. I look up at Joel, and it's clear he's thinking the same thing from how he looks at me. I feel something pass between us at that moment.
Even though he keeps telling himself that Ellie is just cargo to him, we have the same goal. As much as we can, we'll make sure that Ellie doesn't know the horrors of what people are capable of doing in this world.
"Alright, time for bed, kiddo." I say after Ellie yawns for the tenth time in the last few minutes. She looks over at me, a pout on her face but I turn away and go towards the truck. I hear footsteps behind me and turn to see Joel walking over.
"Are you actually going to sleep tonight?" I ask him quietly. He grunts. "You barely slept last night or in the car," I say as I lean against the tailgate.
"Neither did you. And I'm fine-"
"Cowboy."
"Why in the hell do you call me that, anyways?"
"You're from Texas," I grin up at him. "And don't think about changing the subject-"
"We're not all cowboys-"
"I know that, Joel. I also know you need sleep if we're going to get to Wyoming in one piece. We can take turns sleeping."
"And who says I trust you?" He says, finally airing out the silent wedge between us that's been here the entire time. "You give me a fake name, you're takin' her to the Fireflies when you don't even trust them with your own name-"
"I wanted to be a historian before," I cut him off as I hear Ellie playing in the background. I look over my shoulder to see her tapping large roots with her stick, completely in her own world. "I read a lot of history books, history doesn't repeat itself exactly, but the same things happen over and over again." Joel just looks at me, confusion clear on his face as he shakes his head.
"Every time a corrupt government is overthrown, the resistance movement inevitably takes on some of their characteristics," I whisper. "Certain laws, ordinances, patrol schedules and specialized police forces, cruelty."
"Why even join the Fireflies, then?"
"Because I was alone. There was no way I'd survive through the city by myself. Marlene offered me a warm place to stay, ration cards until I could get on my own feet. Training in a skill that would make me valuable."
"So why are you takin' her to them?" Joel asks.
"Because as of now, that's what she wants."
"And if that changes?"
"Tommy will take care of her."
"She's attached to you," Joel says, his brow furrows. "What are you plannin'?"
"If she decides not to go to the Fireflies, I plan to go to the old radio tower in Colorado. Expose the things they're doing."
"What are they doing?" He asks and I shake my head.
"I need to tell Ellie-"
"So tell her."
"We need to get further away from Boston-"
"Why?" He almost growls.
"Because Marlene could already be following. We need to be somewhere safe, hidden," I whisper harshly before I turn away. "I was thinking once we make it to Missouri. If we make good time tomorrow, we'll be way ahead of Marlene."
Joel sighs, running a hand down his face.
"Will you be able to let her go to them, if she decides that's what she wants to do?"
"I don't know." My hands shake as I reach down to grab a sleeping bag. Joel grabs the other two in his arms. "I told myself I would. I told Ellie I would. But I don't know."
"You sleep first," he says quietly as he turns from the back of the truck. I take a few minutes to breathe as I hear Ellie and Joel setting up their sleeping bags.
"Actually smells good," Ellie says.
"Well, that would be Frank's, then." Ellie's giggles make the burning in my eyes worse. I hear Joel pull back and check the round in his rifle as I take one more deep breath.
And then I turn around to see Ellie sneaking her joke book inside of her sleeping bag.
"Kiddo," I say, resting a hand on my hip. She pouts and Joel looks between us with confusion.
"Will you sleep by me?" Ellie asks. Going from a plotting teen to an innocent kid in seconds.
"Yeah," I say as I lay my bag down beside her. Joel's sleeping bag is set up next to Ellie's on her other side, only a lantern separating them. I put my pack at the end of my sleeping bag to use as a pillow before I carefully get into my bag and zip it up. I pull one of my holsters off my jeans and lay it by my outside shoulder.
I know Joel will be awake, but in case he's outnumbered, I'll have something easily accessible. I hear Joel grunt before Ellie turns off the lantern. A second later her flashlight is on and she's looking down at her book inside of her sleeping bag.
It's good to know some things never change. I remember sneaking my books under the covers when my parents weren't looking. I'm sure they knew, parents always know. But it made reading even more exciting.
I hear her flashlight click off before I hear fabric rustle.
"Joel," Ellie says. He doesn't answer her. I turn on my side and look over at him, but it's like he didn't hear her. His body is as relaxed as I've seen him get.
"Joel!" Ellie says a little louder. I hear fabric rustle before he answers.
"What?"
"Can I ask you a serious question?"
"Yeah," he says. He actually sounds willing to help her. For the first time, he's not upset that she's asking him questions.
Ellie sighs, "Why did the scarecrow get an award?"
There's silence.
"Cause' he was outstandin' in his field," Joel answers. I snort, loudly.
"You dick!" Ellie says, moving on her side to look at him. As he turns on his side, I see a ghost of a smile on his face.
"Did you read this?"
"No," Joel says. "Now go to sleep."
It's quiet again. Ellie lays back on her back and I do the same. I'm just about to fall asleep when she speaks.
"Those people you said," she whispers. "They're not gonna be able to find us, right?"
"No one's gonna find us," Joel says.
"Okay," Ellie says.
Things are quiet, but Ellie's breathing hasn't slowed down. It's picked up. She's still nervous, and I don't blame her. She was exhausted yesterday, running on adrenaline, and then she crashed. Now she's able to actually think about where we are, the situation we're in.
"Hey Ellie?"
"Hm?" She asks, her head turning towards me.
"Did you know you can't blindfold a Pokémon?"
"Wait, really?" She asks, sounding interested.
"Yeah," I sigh as I look up at the trees above us. "They'll be able to peek-at-you."
There's a beat of silence.
"So fucking stupid," Joel says under his breath as Ellie bursts out into giggles.
"Hey Joel?" I ask.
"No." He groans.
"What do you call a dinosaur wearing a cowboy hat and boots?"
"A Tyrannosaurus Tex," he sighs. Ellie snorts.
"No," I say seriously as I turn to lean on my side. I look over to Ellie and wait for Joel to turn back to look at me.
"Joel Miller," I grin at him. I squint and see him blink at me.
"Well, that was onix-sepcted."
"You didn't," I whisper. He just smirks before he turns in his sleeping bag.
"What?" Ellie asks, looking at me.
"Onix is a Pokémon," I say to her before whisper yelling, "Joel you dick!"
"What the hell, Joel?" Ellie asks. "How are you so good at these?"
"I'm magical," he deadpans.
There's silence again as Ellie and I settle back into our sleeping bags.
"You know Ellie," I say quietly. Joel lets out an explosive sigh. "Hey! I'm being serious!"
"What, Char?" He asks. I pointedly ignore my heart beating faster after hearing him say my nickname while he's got his sleep voice.
"When I said I wasn't on Atkins earlier, I was serious."
"I gathered that," he sighs.
"I was on a low fat diet though."
"Really?" Ellie asks.
"Yeah it was Butterfree."
"Jesus Christ," Joel sighs.
"You got it!" I almost squeal.
"Is it another Pokémon?" Ellie asks, excitement clear in her eyes despite the darkness that surrounds us.
"Sure is, kiddo," I smile at her.
"Joel, teach me more about Pokémon tomorrow!" Ellie calls over her shoulder before she turns and rests her head on my shoulder.
"Why can't Char do it?"
"Cause' I need your help to come up with new puns, obviously!"
"No."
"Too late, you brought this on yourself for being the obvious pun master in our group," Ellie says.
"But-"
"How about we take a vote? I vote Joel is the honorary pun master," Ellie says, ignoring him.
"I vote no," Joel says and I force myself to keep my voice even.
"I hereby declare Joel Miller as the pun master of our group," I say, trying and failing to sound official. Ellie bursts out into giggles at Joel's groan. "Sorry Cowboy, you really did bring this on yourself."
"You're a shit influence."
"I know, that's why you're here. We balance each other out." Joel doesn't say anything, but I feel Ellie's hand grip the outside of my sleeping bag.
"Y'know all jokes aside, she's right, Joel," Ellie says.
"Go to sleep," is all he says.
"Or you're not getting any Pokémon training done tomorrow."
"Goodnight!" Ellie calls as she cuddles closer to me. I force my laughter to remain silent as I reach out and just pull Ellie into my arms as much as I can.
"Goodnight, kiddo," I whisper as I start to run a hand through her hair.
She's out in minutes.
"You too, Char," Joel whispers as he sits up from his sleeping bag.
"If you don't wake me up, you're in the dog house."
"Yes ma'am," he says as I hear him pick up his gun.
He doesn't wake me up.
"What the fuck is that?" Ellie cursing does.
I don't know why I expected anything different.
"You don't like coffee?" Joel asks. He sounds so innocent. I blink my eyes open and immediately glare at him as Ellie shuts the percolator and turns over, flopping back on top of me.
"Joel-"
"Finished your coffee first," he says and nods down at the ground beside me. I turn my head to see a thermos the size of my head.
"Fine, but I'm driving first."
"Yes ma'am."
"And you're still in the dog house."
"Yes ma'am."
"If you call me ma'am again-"
"You'll kick my ass?" He finishes, his voice light.
"You're my pillow for the foreseeable future."
"Alright," he says absentmindedly as he moves something in the back of the truck.
"But you're my pillow," Ellie whines as she moves closer. "Besides, what's the dog house?"
"It's a saying," I tell her as I flip open the cap of the thermos. Steam rises out of it and I sigh as I pick it up. I start to sit up slowly, but Ellie doesn't follow. Instead she moves around so she's laying her head in my lap as I sit up fully.
"It means someone's in trouble," Joel says as he walks over to the camping stove.
"Why's he in trouble?"
"Don't worry about it-"
"Chaaaaaaaaaar," Ellie whines and I snort before I take a sip of my coffee. My entire body is suddenly warm.
"Didn't have any creamer or sugar-" Joel starts to say.
"Black coffee is best, even if Bill didn't put back the best quality stuff," I say before I take another sip. "It's been ages since I've had some."
"Me too," Joel says as he takes the percolator off the stove. He pours it into a large thermos, the same size as my own.
"Isn't that like, really unhealthy?" Ellie asks. "Coffee has a ton of caffeine."
"It does," I say as I take another sip. "And it is. You might want to try some once we get more settled, but not this much."
"It's disgusting," she says.
"Have you tried it?" I ask and she shakes her head in my lap. I look up and see Joel shaking his head, too. "What?"
"You were the last person I thought would tell a kid to have coffee."
"My parents used it with me as a kid when we couldn't afford medicine," I shrug.
"What?" Ellie asks.
"It helps with ADHD, coffee is a stimulant, so it helps me focus."
"Wait, really?" She asks, turning to look up at me.
"Yes, really. We can talk about you using it during school work later on."
"I thought I'd be done with school," she whines. I pat her leg a few times.
"You thought."
Joel snorts as he packs up the camp stove.
"Besides, if you don't keep up with school, you'll fall behind with your reading and-"
"Char," Ellie stares up at me.
"You like to read, right? You've got your joke book-"
"I like sci-fi more," she says as she crosses her arms. "Like Savage Starlight."
"That was Aiden's favorite." Ellie's eyes widen.
"Really?" She asks, her voice quiet but filled with hope and I nod.
"He loved Star Wars, too. Firefly was my favorite, though."
"You watched Firefly?" Joel asks as he picks up the camp stove and starts walking back to the truck.
"Yes, I watched Firefly," I roll my eyes. "Honestly Cowboy, you should know by now, I have the best taste."
"Yes ma'am, captain tight pants," the quote from the show rolls off his tongue and I smile up at him as he walks back over to us.
"I get to hear one of my favorite quotes and I get a pillow in one day!" Ellie bursts into giggles in my lap as Joel just looks at us.
"Shit," he whispers when he realizes it.
"Alright now, go on, get ready so we can head out," he says louder. "We can be in Wyoming by mornin'." Ellie groans but finally rolls away and gets out of her sleeping bag. She walks over through the trees as I start sliding out of my sleeping bag. I slip my holster back on the waistband of my jeans before I kneel beside my sleeping bag.
"I was just teasing, you know. I'm not going to force you to be my pillow," I say as I put my coffee down beside me. I start rolling up my sleeping bag, and just as I finish Joel finally speaks.
"Ain't gone back on my word yet. Not gonna start now, Char." I feel my cheeks heat up and focus on tying my sleeping bag up. I throw it in the back of the truck and turn around to see Joel holding my coffee out for me just as Ellie starts skipping back into the clearing. I grab my coffee and watch the two finish cleaning up.
I put my coffee on the top of the truck and walk through the trees. I relieve myself quickly before I'm walking back through the trees to the clearing. When I do, I see Ellie and Joel looking down at a tree root, Joel moves his finger along the root as he explains something to her.
If I ever were to lose you I'd surely lose myself.
The song pops into my head before I can stop it. I bite my lip as I walk over and grab my backpack before I walk to the truck. I throw my pack into the passenger floorboard before I grab my coffee and climb up inside on the driver's side. I put my coffee in one of the cup holders and close my eyes as I lean my head back against the seat.
I've been so on edge, so survival focused and running on adrenaline that it never hit me. I'm taking care of a child. For the first time since Aiden died. I didn't think I could love like this again. And I never would have expected it so soon.
But Ellie is a special girl. A bit of light in the darkness the world has become.
And Joel is, well, he's steady. Something I haven't had in so long.
"I'm so fucked," I whisper when I hear their voices come closer. I look over when the door opens to see Ellie's bright smile.
"Char, you wouldn't believe it! Joel was teaching me about the trees and how carpenters could carve out wood-" she keeps chattering as she slides into the middle seat. Joel reaches in and puts his coffee in the cup holder next to mine before he's climbing into the truck, too.
There's a small smile on his face when he starts to buckle Ellie in. It seems like overnight they've become so close. Maybe it's because Joel is finally loosening up. Maybe it's because of Ellie's childlike love of the world. The little girl is so good at worming her way into your heart, even though she curses like a sailor.
"Did you know he can make guitars?" Ellie asks, looking up at me.
"I didn't know that. Were you a carpenter before?"
"I was," he says as he buckles himself in.
"That's almost as cool as being an astronaut," Ellie says, her awe clear in her voice as Joel hands me the key to the truck. I stick it in the ignition and turn it. I let out a sigh of relief when it turns over.
And soon, I'm backing out of our campsite and driving back out towards the highway. Joel rests his arm along the back of our seats, Ellie immediately falls into his side as his hand rests right behind my head.
We make our way from the field onto the highway, Ellie chattering the entire time.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.