GPQ: So, just got back from a week in Chiang Mai. Got plenty of photos, got a bag of pork rinds and dried strawberries to snack on, visited that wicked awesome white temple with a bridge that represents the temptations and demons of life and a beautiful greenhouse of orchids, not to mention having renewed vigor to continue my Legend of the Three Caballeros crossover that has become popular with fans recently...hmm, I think I'm missing something…
MP: Ahem!
GPQ: Oh right, that. So, what happened last time was Jackie Chan once again causing the chaos of this crazy adventure, thinking that his solution to the problem was actually the cause. Gee, as if this wasn't that unexpecting.
MP: Well, what did you expect?
GPQ: Something unexpected yet original. And besides, I try not to put my expectations too high so I don't end up disappointed (looking at you ending of Arc-V…)
PA2: So, we ready to go with this?
GPQ: Definitely. So, from where we're at, we're starting off with the Top God himself. Of course.
MP: So, what are ya waiting for?
GPQ: A bolt of lightning to smite me down because I'm not sharing my pork rinds with you?
PA2: Wait, what?
GPQ: My point exactly.
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Jackie Chan Adventures: Olympian Journey
Chapter Two: Zeus on the Loose
Half an hour later, Jackie, Jade, and Captain Black were sitting on the museum steps, Uncle and Tohru supervising the Section 13 agents as they carefully loaded the pieces of the broken amphora into Jackie's car. The agents stationed outside the storage room had burst in about a minute after the mysterious woman had vanished. A few explanations and some recovery time later, and the fifteen pieces of the amphora were being sent to Uncle's store for him to, in his own words, "Do research!"
"You okay, Jackie?" Jade asked quietly.
"No, not really," Jackie replied, sighing. "We've got another magical threat on the loose, but this time we have no idea what we're dealing with. We don't even have anything to deal with it with!"
"Exactly why we must do research!" Uncle squawked, overhearing their conversation. "Must hurry back to shop. Those pieces and inscriptions you copied are our only hope of stopping magic burping lady!"
"Please tell me we're going to call her that from now on!" Jade begged.
Jackie opened his mouth for a second, then closed it. "You know what? Until we have a better one, fine. Go ahead."
"Yes!" Jade said, pumping her fist as Captain Black chuckled beside her, before turning to Jackie with a serious look on his face.
"Now, Jackie, we're depending on you to translate," he said. "Your uncle is gifted, no doubt, but well, everything on the urn-"
"Is all Greek to Uncle!" Uncle cried, staring at one of the urn's remains, where it proudly displayed the ancient Greek writing on its surface.
"...I really didn't want to make that pun," Captain Black sighed, "but yes, exactly. Do you know how long it'll take?"
"Well, I had done some preliminary work on the plane back," Jackie mused, "so maybe...a few hours? That'll at least get us the gist of it."
"I will do my best to repair the urn," Tohru promised. "It may be our only hope of recapturing that...magic burping lady," he finished with a sigh, all while Jade stifled a laugh.
"Okay, great, but do we have any idea what she even is?" Jade asked. "I mean, she's not a Demon Sorcerer or a regular old demon, so what? Is she some sort of sorcerer like Daolon Wong?"
"Uncle wishes it were that easy," Uncle said. "No, being immune to Uncle's magic, being sealed away, the sheer ease of her power? It all points in one direction."
"What?" Jade asked.
"Goddess." Uncle replied solemnly. "Powerful, ancient, and completely insane goddess. And, unlike demons, gods are not made of pure evil magic. Fighting them much more difficult."
"Which is why we need to get working on that translation ASAP," Captain Black said. "Come on, let's head to the shop. We've got a lot to do, and we don't know just what this...goddess might be planning."
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"Ah, now this seems like a nice place to crash," the woman said, looking around the twisted machinery and tangled denim that covered her hideout of choice. After leaving the museum, she had flown around for a few minutes before finally spotting what looked like a good place to stay: an abandoned and derelict jeans factory, all but falling apart. It was lopsided, dangerous, and totally deserted, which made it absolutely perfect to inhabit for the time being.
Still, the escape had taken a lot out of her. Vanishing like that was hard work, especially when she took others with her. So now she was reclining in a hastily assembled chair made of scattered machine parts, being fanned by an ostrich-plume fan hanging in midair.
"You like it?" Vanessa Barone asked skeptically. She and her associates were currently standing behind the goddess, trying to avoid the sharp edges of the rusted tools.
"Hm?" the goddess replied. "Oh, my mistake. I meant it's a nice place for a crash. A real dump. But you don't have temples and I'm not yet strong enough to trek back to Olympus, so it'll do for now."
"Well, thank you for the escape," Kasahara said, bowing to her. "But perhaps you would care to introduce yourself?"
"All in due time," the woman said with a wave of her hand. "I have some spells to prepare before we get anywhere."
"In that case, can you at least tell us why we're here?" Zhīxin said, gesturing at the three of them.
"Hm? Oh, that's easy. I'm hiring you for a job," the woman said flippantly. "You'll get the details later."
"Not surprised," Vanessa muttered, before raising her voice. "I'm guessing we don't have a choice?"
"That depends. Think you could get used to living as a patch of algae?" the woman asked. "No? Then no, you don't have a choice. But since forced conscription tends to lead to zero-effort work, you will be getting paid for this."
"Let me guess. We'll find out how later," Vanessa said, rolling her eyes.
The woman gasped. "Oh no, I'm being predictable, aren't I? Gotta break the habit!" she said, lightly hitting herself in the head.
"Does that mean you'll give us the information now?" Kasahara asked.
"Again, all in good time," the woman replied. She paused for a minute. "Eh, now's a good time. Huddle up everyone, it's story time!"
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"Will you keep quiet and let me work!" Jackie asked. Jade and Tohru were making a racket trying to reassemble the urn, and were having very little luck.
"This would be so much easier with the Horse Talisman," Jade grumbled.
"She's got a point," Captain Black said. "I know that over-reliance on magic can be just as bad as ignoring it, but you sure there's no quick repair spell in one of these books?"
Uncle whacked him on the forehead. "Chi magic not used for fixing windows! One more thing! Urn is magical artifact. If fixed magically, may interfere with its spells."
"He's right," Tohru added as he tried to fit the pieces together. "Even if we did have the Horse Talisman, we wouldn't be able to use it. By hand is the only way." he finished, before being whacked in the head by Uncle.
"Stop finishing Uncle's thoughts!" he snapped, before turning to Jackie. "And hurry up with translation! Cannot do research with illegible gobbledegook!"
"It's Ancient Greek, and here," Jackie said, handing Uncle a few pieces of paper. "Couldn't get a full translation, but I got the basics. More importantly, I think I know who that goddess was."
"So who is it?" Jade asked as Uncle looked over the papers.
"She's-" Jackie began before Uncle whacked him on the head. "Ow!"
"Don't spoil story for Uncle!" the old man griped. "Uncle will tell everyone what Jackie has uncovered."
"Ah, storytime with Uncle," Jade said with a smile. "This brings back memories."
Indeed, Uncle's mood seemed to have perked up considerably from having some knowledge to dispense. Clearing his throat, he began reading off of the paper. "Long ago, in ancient times, gods ruled the earth."
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"It was pretty amazing," the goddess said as she idly stirred the air with her fingers. "I mean, having power to control the world is great enough, but having a bunch of weak-willed mortals to lord it over? It was the best!"
"Weak-willed?" Kasahara asked.
"Yep!" the goddess replied. "Back then, mortals were dumb as rocks. They were just talking animals, incapable of innovation or advancement without the help of us gods. They were totally dependant, which did wonders for the old ego. Plus, they were so fun to torture! Burn them with fire, ruin their fields with hail, and they'd just keep on praying to you! But," she said with a sigh, "then he wrecked everything."
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"Prometheus, the Titan of Foresight, looked down at humanity's plight and decided to take action," Uncle continued to read. "It was he who created humans, sculpting them from river clay in the image of the gods, and he loved his creations like children. And so, he made the decision to steal fire from Olympus and gift it to humanity."
"Wait, they didn't have fire?" Jade asked. "How's that work? The Ancient Greeks weren't that far back!"
"This was not ordinary fire; it was special fire. Fire of creativity, of wisdom, of inspiration. When humans saw it, they began to think beyond themselves, and the effect only spread. For his crimes, Prometheus was bound to a mountain, where a great eagle would eat his liver every night for eternity. But it was too late. Soon, the humans grew smarter, more capable, and every generation took more steps forward. Eventually, they decided they no longer needed the gods."
"I take it the gods weren't too happy about that?" Captain Black asked, knowing where this would end.
"Furious. While at first they had enjoyed the new capabilities of human beings, which provided them more entertainment than they'd ever had, now those same qualities were leading to an abandoning of the divine and a toppling of the 'natural order', as they saw it. They had spent eons having their whims catered to by humans, and now they were being cast aside. One goddess in particular was very upset," Uncle continued. "The goddess of discord: Eris."
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"I mean, can you blame me?" Eris (for that was who the woman was) asked. "Imagine having everything you've ever wanted for eons and then, snap! Some mortals get a little uppity and start to shove you out the door! I knew someone needed to do something, and that someone was me. Luring Prometheus into his prison was my first trick; who else to bamboozle the guy who always plans ahead, right? But then we needed something to actually get the mortals back where we wanted them. I spent a few generations tossing around ideas and hitting mortals with them to see what would work. Most of them worked a little, by which I mean I had a blast killing mortals, but none of them really got to the heart of the problem. If their race was going to be knocked back down where they belonged, they needed to be hit where it hurts; that unity of theirs. That's where that amphora comes in."
"You mean the thing you were trapped in?" Vanessa asked.
"Yep, but before it held my divine personage, it held the worst collection of evils you can imagine: Greed, Famine, Disease, Bad Breath. You name it, we were able to extract its purest essence, amplify it with a little godly might, and shove it in there. Every god collected one. It was a fun job, but it was only part one."
"Wait, you said 'extract'?" Zhīxin clarified. "But in the stories-"
Eris scoffed. "Oh please. Those things might as well be called myths for how accurate they were. You really think humans managed to go generations without any 'evils' plaguing them? No, humanity was not 'perfect' back then; just more willing to put everything aside for their goal of achieving independence from us gods. And that's where part two of my plan came in. See, unleashing them would've been bad enough, but they would have just taken that as another divine assault. But if it was one of their own? That's a different story. Now all I needed was an in, and lucky me: one was right there waiting. See, Prometheus may have been smart, but his brother? Not so much."
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"The amphora was presented to Epimetheus, Titan of Afterthought and twin brother to Prometheus, along with Pandora, his mortal wife. The two loved each other deeply, but the gods had cursed Pandora with an insatiable curiosity, and the secret of her amphora gnawed at her night and day."
"And we know the story from there," Tohru said. "Pandora opened the urn and unleashed the evils upon humanity."
Uncle nodded. "Yes. Confronted with unheard of evils unleashed upon them by one of their own, mankind splintered, divided, and returned to the gods for safety. They were set back centuries, throwing away the knowledge that the gods said had caused the disaster, leading to the age that we know today as mythology. But Eris had made a fatal mistake. In her haste, she had put Hope in the amphora along with the evils, and its freedom allowed humans to carry on. Eventually, they were able to recover their lost secrets, and with it, their disdain for the gods."
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"Last time I do a rush job, I'm telling you that much," Eris grumbled. "When I put it in there, I could've sworn it was Blind Optimism. Anyway, now we were really ticked. Pandora's amphora, a rhyme that I am particularly proud of by the way, was a great trick and had given us a lotta fun escapades, but it didn't last forever. Those mortals had a spark of divinity in them now, and it was clear that there'd be no getting rid of it. All I really did was buy us a few centuries, but that was enough. This time, we were going to wipe them out at the root."
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"The gods, united completely for the first time in centuries, plotted to exterminate humanity once and for all. They would unleash a great flood, one that would douse the fire of creativity and reduce humanity back to the clay it had come from, leaving the world a clean slate. From there, they would create new humans, ones who were utterly loyal to them, to rule over for the rest of eternity. And it might have worked, had it not been for one goddess."
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"That goody-two-shoes Hestia spoiled everything!" Eris fumed. "She was Zeus' big sister, and she was always the world's biggest buzzkill. Day and night, all she'd do was tend our dinky little hearth fire. Good baker, though. I do miss her honey cakes," Eris said. She seemed to zone out for a moment, lost in memory, only for Vanessa to get her attention with a polite cough.
"Right, sorry. Anyway, turns out that boring little Hestia? Not so boring. From that hearth, she could see into every home in the world, and I do mean every. She'd been watching mortals basically since we created them. Wouldn't have been a big deal if she didn't learn exactly the wrong lesson from those vermin."
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"Hestia, through her position as Goddess of the Hearth, bore witness to humanity's highest highs and lowest lows. But rather than disgust her, it only reinforced her love for human ingenuity and free will," Uncle continued. "In a way, since it was her divine fire that brought about mankind's progress, she was a mother to all of them. What was more, she had seen her fellow gods as well, watching them with the same intensity as her beloved mortals. And she saw how warped and corrupted they had become, how their power had twisted them beyond all hope. Though it broke her heart, she knew she'd have to choose one family over the other. And she made her choice."
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"She spoke to them through the hearths, urging each and every one of those little cockroaches to find and free Prometheus! And rather than ignoring the divine head in the fire, they listened to it! Talk about hypocrisy, am I right? 'No gods, no gods-unless they help us out!' What a load! So yeah, they find Prometheus, they break his chains, they even killed the eagle! I loved that eagle! I raised it practically from an egg! It was one of my best friends, and they killed it like it was hunting season! But I wish I could say that was the worst of it. You see, Prometheus has been plotting and scheming since those chains were forged, and he tells the mortals that he's got a plan."
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"As the gods prepared to launch their flood, Prometheus and Hestia coached the greatest sorcerers among the humans, training them to higher and higher levels of magic. And when they were finished, each sorcerer could stand up to a god in their own right."
"Which is why in all the frescoes, the gods are facing the mortals," Jackie pointed out, gesturing at the photos and rubbings he'd taken. "Not leading them. Not supporting them from behind. They're facing them down. I'm surprised I didn't notice it in the first place."
"So, what, they attacked and sealed away the gods?" Jade asked.
"No," Uncle said, his face grim. "They were much smarter than that. Instead, just days before the flood was set to begin, they called upon all of their magic, all of their anger, all of their creativity...and stripped the gods of their powers, sealing the powers away in the very amphora that had set them back all those years ago. From there, it was the work of a few days to, well, finish the job."
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"It was slaughter, plain and simple," Eris said, her voice deadly calm. "We couldn't do anything to them even if we wanted to. Young, old, nice, mean, it didn't matter. To them, all gods were culpable, and all paid the price. See, the mortals had timed their ritual to when we were preparing the flood, magically piggybacking their spell off of ours to make it work. And they were lucky; for a ritual that big, literally every god needed to be there, strongest to weakest, so they were able to take out the entire pantheon. Or so they thought."
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"Hestia and Prometheus were spared, naturally, but they were not the only survivors. For you see, Eris was not there for the spell. Even the gods did not want the personification of chaos and discord present for such a project, which required nothing less than absolute unity and focus. So when the rest of the gods were powerless and dead, Eris was left, still powerful, still immortal...and hungering for vengeance," Uncle said gravely.
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"It was luck, simple as that. No grand premonition, no incredible plan; just sheer chance that left me alive. But I was going to take advantage of it, and erase those disgusting creatures from the face of the earth. I knew just how to get it, too. See, remember how they stored the powers in my old amphora? Well, I've always had a special connection to the thing, and so I was able to track it down. I figured I'd get it, pop it open, and then bam! Almighty Eris can bring her family back and wipe out their killers all by herself! But," Eris sighed, "they'd been counting on that."
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"When Eris came to retrieve the amphora, she was assaulted by the sorcerers, who proceeded to drain her power as they had the others. She was able to shatter the spell, but not before most of her abilities were lost, sealed away into the very stone of the amphora. Even so, she put up a fight, but was ultimately no match for their magical might," Uncle read. "However, rather than finish her off, they decided she needed special punishment."
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"They wrapped me in so many spells I couldn't breathe, shoved me into that stupid amphora, just like I had shoved in all those evils, and made sure I couldn't just take the power while I was in there!" Eris growled. "They trapped me there in suffocating darkness and mind-numbing boredom for centuries! And you know what the worst part is? Hestia and Prometheus walked off without a scratch! They're probably still around now, living the high life with their godly powers while I was wasting away in there!"
"Jeez, that's...rough," Vanessa said, hesitantly.
"You know it, sister," Eris responded with a nod. "But, it wasn't all bad. See, the sorcerers made three big mistakes. One, they let me live. Two, I couldn't use the power, but I could sure as Hades study it. And three, they sealed what they were able to get from me in the amphora instead of within it."
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"The sorcerers soon realized that in trapping Eris's powers, they had made a fatal error. The amphora was now an artifact of Chaos, amplifying the emotions of everyone around it, forcing them to want it at any cost. Even worse, the more chaos it caused, the more it would crack, which would eventually release Eris and the godly powers back into the world. And so, Prometheus sealed away in a hidden shrine, never to be touched again, and set out to wander the world, experiencing life among his beloved mortals." Uncle finished, looking up from the paper.
"...That was some heavy stuff, Uncle," Jade said solemnly, shivering a bit.
"But sensei, what about Hestia?" Tohru asked.
"Says that after the ritual, Hestia returned to tending her hearth, watching over humanity from within the fires of the home," Uncle said, looking over the paper. "Probably in some magical realm of her own creation."
"So we have an insane vengeful goddess who's almost definitely going after those godly powers that came out of the urn with her," Captain Black groaned. "I'm suddenly missing when all we had to deal with were an international crime syndicate and a talking statue."
"Sensei," Tohru said, "does it say anything about what would happen to the powers should they be freed?"
"Not on here. Jackie?" Uncle asked, turning to his nephew, who shook his head.
"Not as far as I can see. Like I said, this was just the basics. They basically inscribed an Odyssey-length epic in that shrine, and we're lucky they decided to summarize it in the first chapter, so to speak. It'll be months before we get the full story," Jackie said.
"Then do what I do with assigned reading," Jade suggested. "Just skip to the last chapter and see what you can glean from that."
"...You and I are going to have a long talk about your homework after this," Jackie groaned as he quickly began shuffling photographs around, looking for the ones from the back of the shrine. "Hm. Not a bad idea, though. Uncle, I think this describes a spell!"
"To imprison Eris again?" Jade asked.
"I'm not sure," Jackie replied, rubbing his chin. "But if it was placed on here, then it must be for good reason."
"Hmm…" Uncle muttered as he looked at the photograph. "Hot-cha!"
"You can read it?" Captain Black asked.
"No, but Uncle doesn't have to!" Uncle declared proudly. "Spell structure very similar to a chi spell that Uncle knows."
"Which means…?" Jackie asked.
"It means that Sensei and I can probably reverse-engineer it," Tohru said. "It won't be easy, but it's certainly doable."
"So, what's the spell, Uncle?" Jade asked, excited. "Some kind of super-advanced banishing? Extra lasers?"
"No, it is summoning spell," Uncle replied, looking over the paper. "Used to call upon powerful beings when great danger occurs. Must be failsafe in case urn ever breaks."
"What, so it's like customer support?" Jade asked, scratching her head.
"It could be," Uncle said, sighing. "Based on story, only two candidates for spell to contact."
"Hestia and Prometheus," Captain Black said. "The last Greek immortals to keep their powers. And since Prometheus is the one who set up the defenses and stuck around in the human world, he's probably who the spell was meant for."
"Yes," Uncle said, examining the paper further. "Spell works by contacting being on this plane of existence. Prometheus was the only one of the two to stay on Earth, so we must hope that he will answer our call."
"But why wouldn't he want to help?" Jackie asked. "He put Eris away the first time because he cared for humanity."
"Times have changed," Uncle said. "After so many years, might not like humanity so much any more. One more thing! Immortals very arrogant. Will probably say that we broke the urn, it's our business to clean it up."
"Perhaps," Jackie spoke up. "But he's our best option right now. Uncle, how quickly do you and Tohru think you can get that spell working?"
"Hm...spell very tricky...have to work backwards...thirty minutes!" Uncle declared proudly.
"Okay, good. You two work on that. The rest of us," Jackie continued, looking at Jade and Captain Black, "should head out and try to find Eris. Even if we can't stop her, anything that tells us about their plans would help."
"Wait, really? You're letting me come?" Jade asked, surprised.
"Jade, I've been awake for over twenty-four hours, we have a new magical threat to deal with, and I know better than to assume you'll stay put. But if I include you from the start, that means you have to listen to me and Captain Black, understood?"
"Fine," grumbled Jade.
"Alright, then let's head out," Jackie said as he, Jade, and Captain Black headed for the door.
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"So, is the mission statement clear to you?" Eris asked imperiously, smiling widely as she did. Her three new henchmen had been so attentive to her story that it made her feel just that much more godly.
"Mostly," Vanessa replied. "So, you want to bring about the end of humanity?"
Eris shrugged. "Eventually, yeah. Someone's gotta make those disgusting creatures pay for killing my family. But that's endgame stuff; for now, I need to warm up with some general destruction and anarchy. And in both cases, I'm gonna need some more firepower. Discord alone won't do it, especially after being locked up for so long. But if you recall, I wasn't the only thing in that amphora."
"Yes, the powers of the other Olympian gods," Zhīxin said. "You might have been unable to claim them while you were trapped, but now that they're all free…"
"It's anything goes!" Eris declared triumphantly.
"And may I ask what our payment will be?" Kasahara asked hesitantly, before Vanessa and Zhīxin shushed him.
"No, it's fine," Eris said, chuckling. "Gotta love a man who's got his priorities straight. First off, you'll be spared from whatever I do to reset humanity; going to need some people keeping the new herd in line while I re-establish the order of things. But aside from that? Whatever you want. Money? Knowledge? Revenge? Just name it and I will provide."
The three villains looked at each other, and then smiled in unison. "Sounds like a pretty sweet deal," Vanessa said. "We're all in."
Eris clapped her hands. "Now that's what I like to hear! Now you guys need titles, so...Blondie's General and you two are Privates. Savvy?"
"Wait, why does she get to be in charge?" Zhixin asked, slightly annoyed.
"I like the cut of her jib," Eris said with a shrug. "Plus, she was able to reverse-engineer an artifact's magic after what I can only assume was a few hours of contact, so I figure she's qualified."
At that, Kasahara and Zhixin looked at Vanessa. "What?" she said. "I'd be a pretty poor relic hunter if I wasn't familiar with magic, and I'd wanted the Eye for years. Once I actually got a chance to use it, it wasn't that hard to recreate the effects."
"...Okay, she can lead," Zhixin said, slightly flabbergasted.
"Perfect!" Eris beamed. "Now that that's out of the way, let's get ready everyone. That first power should be getting active any moment now…"
At her words, Eris began to glow with a soft golden light. "Ah, speak of the daimon. Let's see what we've got!"
She flicked her wrist, and a cloud of golden mist appeared before her, swirling and glowing before displaying an image. It showed a man, tall and muscular, with a stern look on his white-bearded face. He was wrapped in a white tunic, and had a bolt of lightning clutched in his hand.
"Zeus is first," Eris sighed. "I should've guessed. He would insist on putting the best foot forward."
"I'm guessing you're not interested in explaining that statement?" Vanessa sighed.
"You're catching on," Eris said with a smirk. "Now, where is he hiding?"
She waved a hand through the mist, and it stirred and cast a new image. It displayed a map of California, then zoomed in to San Francisco. "Wait, where is that?" Eris asked.
"Right here," Kasahara told her. "This very city."
"Figures," Eris replied. "He wouldn't wander too far. Well, now we just need to find what we're looking for."
"Meaning?" Vanessa asked.
"Well, those godly powers aren't going to be floating around, you know," Eris explained. "After all, they've been in that amphora for ages! It's scary going back into the outside world after all that! So they'll find an object that has some special meaning to them and hibernate in that until someone with the right mindset comes to wake them up."
"Wait, hold on," Vanessa objected. "You keep talking about the powers like they're alive. Are they?"
"Let's just say kinda and leave it at that for now, okay?" Eris asked. "I'm getting real bored of the exposition. Just understand, they've each sought a vessel, something like each god's symbol, and they'll reveal themselves when they feel like it. Some of 'em may be a bit of a wait. We gods don't do much of anything until we feel like it. But once they do, I can find 'em. Now, let's see what Zeus is hiding in, shall we?"
She stirred the mist again, and a new image appeared. Eris scoffed when she saw it. "Of course. Can't do anything subtly, can you, big guy? So," she continued, turning to her henchmen, "know where that is?"
"Something like that? Shouldn't be too hard to find," Vanessa said confidently.
"Okay, good. Then let's move out, troops!" Eris said, before she and her henchmen vanished from the factory.
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Meanwhile, in Captain Black's armored car, Jackie and his allies were keeping an eye out for anything...magicky, for lack of a better word.
"Well, I'm not seeing any blown up buildings, so I'm guessing wanton destruction isn't her priority right now," Captain Black mused.
"Yeah, but that just makes her harder to find," Jade replied. "We need to get to her fast."
"Really, Jade?" Jackie asked. "I'd have thought you'd be excited about having something like this happen."
"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't," Jade said, "but if it's the choice between chaotic magical adventures and stopping this before it gets out of hand? I've gotta go with the second one."
Jackie smiled at Jade as he turned to face Captain Black. "She's really growing up, isn't she?" he whispered.
"Yeah, but let's not get ahead of ourselves," Captain Black whispered back. "You know that if we actually get any powers she'll be chomping at the bit to use them."
"I can still hear you both!" Jade snapped. "This isn't that big a car!"
"Sorry, sorry," Captain Black said as he and Jackie chuckled. Just then, Jackie got a strange look in his eyes, and immediately started rummaging through his pockets.
"Everything okay?" Jade asked.
"Yeah, I think so," Jackie said. "It's just that in all the commotion, I forgot about that card I got."
"Wait, a card? You never mentioned a card," Captain Black said, frowning.
"It was at the exhibit. Some guy basically forced it into my hand and tried to intimidate me into handing over the amphora. Does this mean anything to you?" Jackie said as he handed the card to Captain Black.
"Hm…'P. Omphalos: Dealer in Artifacts, Antiquities, and Advice'...not ringing any bells," he said as he handed the card back to Jackie. "It's got a number on it, though. Think we should call?"
"And tell him what?" Jackie said as he put the card away. "That we broke 'his' precious urn and unleashed the embodiment of chaos?"
Captain Black winced. "Good point," he said. "Let's table that until after we figure out what's going on."
Jade sighed. "I wonder if Uncle and Tohru are having better luck than us."
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
"Sensei, please, I don't think this much garlic is necessary," Tohru pleaded as Uncle began squeezing cloves over a dish of water.
"You want summoning spell to fail? No? Then let Uncle add as much garlic as he wants!" he snapped.
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Suddenly, the three heard a very insistent buzzing from Captain Black's coat pocket.
"Well, looks like we've found our lead," he said as he pulled the car over.
"What do you mean?" Jackie asked as Captain Black rummaged through his coat.
"The only phone I keep in here is my work phone, which means that the only calls I get involve Section 13 business," he said as his hand emerged with the phone. Quickly putting it to his ear, he listened as the person on the other end started talking. After a few seconds, he said, "Got it," then put the phone away.
"Well?" Jade asked. "What's the news?"
"Barone, Origami, and the monk were just spotted outside City Hall," Captain Black said as he resumed driving. "And there's a lady with rainbow hair who seems to be directing them."
"Guess Eris managed to find herself some henchmen," Jackie said with a sigh. "And these ones are actually dangerous."
"Beats having to deal with the Enforcers for the umpteenth time," Jade snarked.
"Yeah, especially since they actually seem happy with their new career," Captain Black replied.
"Yeah," Jade said, smiling. "Chow make it past coffee boy yet?"
"It's called a barista, and no, he hasn't, nor does he want to," Captain Black answered. "They specifically asked for 'jobs that wouldn't make them fight anymore.' Besides, we needed a new janitor. And the cafeteria's never run smoother."
"Okay, gossip later, stop crazy goddess now!" Jackie pleaded.
"Oh, right. Hold on to your seats!" Captain Black said as he kicked the car into high gear.
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"So how're we going to know which one it is?" Vanessa asked, staring up at the eighteen flagpoles surrounding the San Francisco City Hall. Each of them was topped with a bronze finial that held a sculpture of a bird. They were all of the same bird, but they were too high up to get any clear details.
"Well, I'm not super up-to-date on my ornithology," Eris mused, "and I can barely see them anyway so I guess...try them all?"
Vanessa shrugged. "Works for me," she said, before leaping into the air in front of one of the flagpoles. At the apex of her jump, she vanished, only to reappear higher up. She repeated this a few times until she was atop the finial, holding onto the sculpture, now revealed to be of an eagle. "Doesn't seem like this one," she said, looking over the decorative piece.
Origami leapt at another flagpole, transforming into a paper spider as he did, then effortlessly shinnying up. "Nor this one," he said, his head returning to normal atop the spider body.
"Eh, we've got time," Eris said. "Just keep searching!" She then turned to Zhīxin. "You want to contribute?"
"Ancient wisdom: The amateur hunter should never interfere with the bear," Zhīxin said calmly.
"...Really? Wait, in that scenario, are you saying you're not as good a hunter as the bear, or just that you shouldn't hunt bears?"
Zhīxin opened his mouth, then paused. "Huh. That's actually an interesting philosophical quandary. I shall have to study thi-"
"Nah, bored now, moving on," Eris said dismissively. In a flash, her legs transformed into serpents, with the heads replacing her feet. She leaned forward, did a handspring, then landed snakes-first on the nearest flagpole, where the snakes slithered up.
"I suppose I'll keep watch for Chan then," Zhīxin muttered sulkily. "Why is the trained magician the only one without a climbing technique?" he continued.
However, Zhīxin's grumbling was soon interrupted by the sound of screeching rubber. Looking up, he saw a heavily armored car come to a screeching halt right in front of the flagpoles. Startled, Zhīxin leapt up and began charging energy blasts in his hands.
"Chans incoming!" he shouted as the car doors opened, with Jackie, Jade, and Captain Black all leaping out at him.
With a shout, Jade delivered a flying kick to Zhīxin's face just as the monk blasted. As he bent back, one energy blast shot off and fried Captain Black's car, while the other hit the center of a flagpole (one of the many unoccupied ones), bending it down.
"You're under arrest!" Captain Black announced, pulling out a set of handcuffs and locking Zhīxin's hands behind his back.
"Ancient wisdom," Zhīxin responded with a smirk. "The cornered prey fights the fiercest." As he spoke, his hands began to glow, firing out a burst of energy that not only broke the handcuffs, but forced Captain Black back as Zhīxin leapt away.
"Okay," Captain Black muttered. "Note to self: bring manacles next time."
Jackie, meanwhile, turned to Jade, muttered a quick "Stay put", and jumped ten feet into the air, landing unsteadily on the bent flagpole. "Whatever you are doing, stop right now!" he ordered the three magical villains.
Eris raised an eyebrow. "Who is this guy?" she demanded, turning to Vanessa. "He was there when my urn shattered, too."
"Jackie Chan. Archaeologist, martial artist, and likes to stick his nose in everything," Vanessa said snarkily. "He's the one who handed us the urn in the first place."
"Okay, fine. But why is he here?" Eris asked, pointedly ignoring Jackie's protestations. "If he's looking for work, unless he has some superpowers you're not mentioning, he's not getting a job."
"I wish," Vanessa scoffed. "No, he's a total stick-in-the-mud. Works to 'protect' the world from evil magic, so he's probably here to try to stop us."
"Ah," Eris said, a hand on her chin as she remained horizontally astride her flagpole. "And how's that usually work out for him?"
"Better than expected," Origami groaned. "Chan-Jackie-Chan is not only tenacious, but he is also a skilled fighter. What's more, he once had access to the Talismans of Shendu."
"Wait, the old lizard actually pulled it off?" Eris asked, surprised. "Huh. Well, there goes five thousand drachma. Where do I send it to?"
"According to our sources? An inaccessible prison dimension containing him, the Talismans, and a host of other issues," Vanessa said, shrugging.
"Okay, okay," Eris mused, "so what you're saying is that not only do I not owe anyone anything, but this guy is currently trying to stop us with nothing but his fists?"
"Essentially? Yes," Origami said.
Eris started to laugh like a harpy. "This is going to be fun!" she said, before turning to Origami. "Take point, would you? Vanessa and I'll keep searching."
"With pleasure," Origami said, grinning as his human head retreated into his papery body, which leapt from his flagpole of choice and, in a burst of magic, folded into a giant bird. Lunging down, he moved to slash Jackie with his razor-edged wings, but Jackie ducked, fell backward, and grabbed onto the rope beneath him, swinging upward and leaping onto Origami's back.
The bird, no denser than paper, began to sink under the weight, and spun to throw the archaeologist off of its back, but Jackie took advantage of the momentum to jump off and land high up on another flagpole, one closer to Eris. Seizing the state flag of California, he whipped around the pole, then flew off to deliver an open-handed strike to Eris's face.
Eris stumbled back a bit, but then dove behind the flagpole, with her serpents still holding on. Before Jackie could react, she swung back up on his other side and hit him the back of his head. The blow sent him flying over to another pole, one he just barely missed catching as he tried to recover from the hit. Before he could fall far, though, a small hand caught him by the back of his shirt.
"What would you do without me?" Jade sighed as Jackie got ahold of the rope.
"I told you to stay put!" Jackie objected.
"Well, I thought about it, then I figured that there had to be something important about these flagpoles, so I started searching for it," Jade said. "Honestly, do you think I ignore you for the fun of it? Don't answer that," she said as Jackie opened his mouth.
Looking up at Jade, Jackie gave an exasperated sigh of his own. "You do have a point. Just, if you're going to get involved, be careful, okay?"
"Leave the investigating to me," Jade said with a smirk, "while you stick to the fighting."
Jackie nodded, and as Jade continued to climb up the flagpole, he took a moment to assess his surroundings. At the same time, Vanessa stared at her latest finial, shook her head, then teleported toward the next flagpole, using her whip to seize it and climb to investigate the new bronze eagle.
"Hey, I think I've got something!" she said as she looked it over. Not only was the eagle much shinier than the others, but it seemed to have the faint symbol of a thunderbolt engraved on top of its head.
"Sweet! Just hang on while I-hey!" Eris shouted as she swung to avoid one of Zhīxin's blasts. "Watch where you're aiming!"
"Ancient wisdom," Zhīxin shouted. "If you want it done right, do it yourself!"
"Hey, stop sassing the boss and get back to work!" Vanessa snapped, prompting a scowl from Zhīxin as he resumed his fight with Captain Black.
Under Vanessa's hand, the eagle began to glow, but before Vanessa could do more than glance at it, she heard a grunt as Jackie slammed Origami into Jade's flagpole, which Jade used to catapult herself at Vanessa, headbutting her in the abdomen. Groaning, she stumbled backwards, but managed to maintain her grip on the eagle, at least until Jade stomped on her fingers.
Vanessa went into a freefall, but teleported directly upward and flung her whip at Jade's shoe, pulling the child down. Jade wouldn't go without a fight, though, and seized the rope, crying out as it burned her fingers.
Back on the ground, Zhīxin continued to blast at Captain Black, blowing huge holes in City Hall as the Captain tucked and rolled under them. Zhīxin had a noticeable black eye from one of Black's punches, but overall was doing a good job keeping him at a distance. That is, until he was distracted by Jade's cry of pain, and Captain Black grabbed him from behind. Kneeing the monk in the back, he brought a thumb to his mouth, coated it in spit, and rubbed it against Zhīxin's palms, smudging the markings.
"Jackie told me about the Lotus Temple. Can't use those spells without the markings, right?" Captain Black asked with a smug grin.
"Ancient wisdom," Zhīxin replied with a grin of his own. "Even without claws and fangs, the tiger is not to be underestimated!"
"Okay, seriously, do you come up with these on the spot, or-?" Captain Black began, only to be interrupted by Zhīxin slamming his head against the captain's chest, knocking him backwards. It barely hurt, but it gave Zhīxin enough breathing room to get back on his feet.
Back in the air, Origami folded himself again, taking the form of a giant paper cricket, allowing him to leap from the ground to the very heights of the flagpoles, and each time he delivered a superpowered kick to Jackie's chest. As Jackie desperately held on to the flagpole, Eris leapt down the line of them, hurrying to the one where Vanessa and Jade struggled to reach the top. When Origami came up again, Jackie grabbed the city flag and wrapped it around Origami, trapping him and allowing Jackie to move down the line after Eris.
"I'm coming, Jade!" Jackie cried as he caught up to Eris. The goddess of chaos elbowed Jackie in the chin, but he kicked her in the shoulder blade and bounced higher up.
"Hurry it up!" Jade called back, swinging wildly on the rope as she dodged Vanessa's punches and whip strikes. To her surprise, she spun around and slammed into Vanessa's back, sending the relic hunter flying. "Oh, or not!" she amended.
"Not a chance, brat!" Vanessa screamed, teleporting to the flagpole beside her. "I haven't forgotten about Desolation Island!" She flicked her whip at Jade's hand and once again sent her falling, barely catching the rope halfway down the pole.
Simultaneously, the flag holding Origami was slashed to ribbons as he emerged in the form of a giant paper praying mantis, which pounced over to interrupt Eris's fight with Jackie. Jackie grabbed the rope and wrapped it around the pair, then jumped over to help Jade, who had once again ascended the pole and was now in the process of unscrewing the eagle finial.
Screaming in fury, Eris ripped off a hunk of Origami, balled it up, and threw it at Jade, and despite its light weight, the projectile threw her off-balance and sent her falling again, along with the finial. With a triumphant cry, though, Jackie caught them both.
Enraged, Vanessa let out a screech and glared at her fellow henchman. "What was that?" she snapped as Origami struggled to untangle himself. "It's combat 101; you don't interrupt someone in the middle of a fight!"
"But-" Origami began.
"No buts! You jeopardized this whole mission, and for what?! So you could get even with Chan?" she snarled. Meanwhile, down on the ground, the eagle finial started to glow in Jackie's hands.
"Huh?" Jackie said, before looking up and noticing a similar glow growing around Vanessa. "Oh no…"
"No, it's clear that you have no idea how to handle a situation like this. And that goes double for you, Zhīxin!" she continued, glaring at the monk as he and Captain Black paused. "When your most powerful weapons are water-soluble, you take steps to protect them!"
"Um, Vanessa..." Zhīxin began, only for Vanessa to snap her fingers, producing a sound like a thunderclap.
"Save it! It's clear what needs to happen. From now on, I'm taking full command here! I'm the smartest, the cleverest, and the only one qualified to handle a situation like this! I am the Queen of Relic Hunters, and you will not disobey my orders again!" she screeched.
Suddenly, the eagle finial squirmed in Jackie's hands, prompting a yelp of surprise. While he tried to hold onto it, Vanessa stared down at the decorative topper and smiled. With a flick of her arm, she sent down her whip and seized the finial, then tossed it into the air where she caught it in her outstretched hand.
"That's the way," a deep, masculine voice echoed in Vanessa's head. "That commanding presence, the way you control those beneath you. You and I will get along famously, won't we, Ms. Barone?"
Vanessa gave a wild grin. "You can bet on it...Zeus," she said quietly, before she exploded into a burst of lightning, one that completely hid her from view. The last thing they saw of her was that same grin as she was completely encased in crackling white energy. The eagle, now dull and tarnished, landed on the flagpole and slid off, hitting the ground below with a dull clunk.
"Interesting," Eris said as Origami cut her free. "It appears the power of Zeus reacted to her natural leadership. And now that it's active…" she trailed off as she laughed hysterically and swung over to Vanessa's flagpole, locking her legs around it. "Hand it over to mama!"
Eris began chanting in Greek, but the energy gave no reaction. She tried a few more times, but nothing seemed to happen, except for the lightning slowly dissipating, seeming to conform to Vanessa's shape as it did. "Hm," Eris muttered. "Looks like I'll need a stronger spell to take the power for myself..."
"Miss Eris! Shall we eliminate Ms. Barone for you?" Origami asked as he flew over.
"Huh? Oh no, it's no big deal. I'll get it eventually. Besides, this place is making me sick. It absolutely reeks of stuffy old bureaucracy! It's like a prison for the soul, and I should know! And in the meantime," she added, glancing back up at her empowered minion, "I'm sure Vanessa can cause plenty of chaos on her own." She conjured a small object in her hand, then tossed it upward. "Vanessa, dear, once you're finished, just use this key on any door!"
As the key reached Vanessa, now outlined so precisely by the lightning that she seemed a statue carved of crackling blue and white electricity, the woman's hand suddenly snapped out and caught it before tucking it away. As the last of the energy sank into Vanessa's body, Eris grabbed Origami and dropped to the ground, landing on all fours. She slipped over to grab Zhīxin in her other arm, and all three vanished in a golden mist, leaving only a graffiti image of a golden apple where they'd once stood.
Meanwhile, Jackie, Jade, and Captain Black looked up at Vanessa, who was standing as still as a statue, her eyes closed, her hands resting at her sides. Suddenly her eyes snapped open, her lips formed into a feral grin, and she let loose a maniacal cackle, just as she was struck by a bolt of lightning.
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"White of lark's egg!" Uncle cried.
"Yes, sensei," Tohru replied, pouring the aforementioned albumen into the cauldron.
"Powdered moly flower!"
"Yes, sensei."
"Tooth of moray eel!"
"Um…" Tohru hesitated for a moment.
"What, Tohru?!" Uncle demanded.
Tohru hung his head. "I...used the last moray tooth on my scroll spell."
"Aiyah!" Uncle screamed. "You want Uncle to finish summoning spell? THEN GET UNCLE A SUBSTITUTE INGREDIENT!"
Tohru thought for a moment, then rummaged through the shelves until he found a small bottle. "Would a sawtooth incisor work?"
Uncle thought for a moment, then nodded. "Not perfect, but best we can do. Give to Uncle!"
"Yes, sensei," Tohru said as he handed the bottle to Uncle, who emptied its contents into the cauldron. As soon as he did, the previously green liquid turned a deep red.
"Ai-yah! Spell is activating! Quick, start chanting!" Uncle screeched as he retrieved a clove of garlic and tossed it into the brew. "And one final ingredient," he said, holding up a white bulb with green stalks. "Fennel!"
Tohru nodded and Uncle dropped the fennel into the cauldron, and then he and Uncle both began to incant. "Yu Mo Gui Gwai Fai Di Zao, Yu Mo Gui Gwai Fai Di Zao, Yu Mo Gui Gwai Fai Di Zao," they chanted, as the substance in the cauldron got redder and redder, before finally exploding upward into a shimmering red portal.
On the other side was a darkened room lined with scrolls, its single occupant almost completely obscured by the darkness. "Finally!" it said, its voice tense. "We don't have much time!"
"Are you-" Tohru began to ask before the figure cut him off.
"Talk later! Things just took a turn for the worse at City Hall, and you're going to need this spell to fix it. So listen carefully," the figure said grimly, "because the world depends on it. Now, grab your supplies and let's go!"
Uncle and Tohru watched in stunned silence for a moment as the figure stepped through. "Um, sensei, didn't we leave the car at the museum?" Tohru asked as he crammed a duffel bag full of supplies. "And we still haven't fixed the amphora."
"The amphora's not important!" the figure snapped. "You already have something that'll work! Right there!"
The figure pointed at a shelf holding a single strange object which looked like a bizarre cross between a handheld vacuum and a compass.
"Tohru, call a taxi!" Uncle barked. He grabbed his blowfish, newt, and the device, turning to the figure. "Now, start teaching spell!"
"Normally I'd burn a human to ashes for taking that tone with me," the figure said as Tohru started out the door, "but I'll let it slide because we're in a crisis. Now, the first thing you're going to need is some olive oil…"
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
Back at City Hall, Jackie and his allies were covering their eyes, blinded by the flash. But in a few seconds, the light faded, and the three of them turned back to the flagpole. They stared up at Vanessa, mouths open with shock and horror. Vanessa had changed, in more ways than one.
Her long blonde hair had burst free from its ponytail and was now floating behind her, crackling with electricity. The same lightning emanated from her eyes, casting the angles of her face in harsh shadow. Her outfit had completely transformed, taking on the same bronze color of the eagle and looking more like a set of regal robes than her usual ensemble. The air around her was charged with electricity, the sky above her heavy with the tension of an oncoming storm.
And, perhaps most terrifying of all, where once Vanessa wielded a whip, now she held a sizzling bolt of lighting, thin and curved and emerging from a handle-shaped cloud in her hand. With a flick of the wrist, she snapped it, producing another thunderclap, then looked down at the Chans.
"Whoa, nelly!" Captain Black exclaimed.
Vanessa unleashed a booming laugh that seemed to echo across the area like a rumbling thunderstorm. "Yes!" she proclaimed. "I can feel the powers of the universe resonating within my very being!" Still laughing, she cracked her lightning whip, sending an arc of sizzling electricity directly at the metal flagpole where Jackie and Jade were still hanging.
Jackie's incredible instincts, both combat and parental, kicked in, and he quickly tossed Jade down to Captain Black, who caught her in his outstretched arms. Jackie, on the other hand, failed to escape before the blast struck the pole. He fell to the sidewalk, rolling forward and barely avoiding breaking any bones, his clothes smoking and burnt.
"Jackie, are you alright?" Captain Black asked.
"Whassa Jackie?" Jackie replied, dazed.
"Oh that's perfect," Jade muttered.
"Time to call in backup!" Captain Black insisted. "Jade, try and revive your uncle!"
Jade nodded and grabbed Jackie by the shoulders, lightly shaking him as Captain Black whipped out his phone and barked coordinates into it. Curious pedestrians flocked to the scene, only to scatter when Vanessa sent a bolt their way.
"Foolish mortals," Vanessa scoffed. "Hardly worth my effort. And as for that," she sniffed contemptuously, staring at the bronze eagle finial lying at the base of the flagpole, "it has served me well. Perhaps I'll give it a place of honor in my new Olympus."
With a snap of her fingers, the wind picked up around the finial, soon forming a miniature cyclone that lifted the sculpture into Vanessa's waiting hand. With nary a thought, she tucked it away in her jacket, the eagle seeming to slide right in. As it did, a flicker of a grin appeared on her face. "This is going to make relic hunting so much easier," she said to herself, before looking back down at Jackie and the others.
"That little bird has given me an idea, Chan," she bragged to her foe, who had regained most of his awareness by now. "I'll send this entire city back to the Bronze Age! You mortals can't live without your precious electricity, can you? Imagine what'll happen when I take back what was rightfully mine!"
With that, Vanessa began swinging her whip above her head, the band of lightning growing brighter and brighter with each rotation until she seemed to have a halo of electricity floating above her. Suddenly, streams of electricity began to pour out of every object in range; buildings, vehicles, even phones all had their power visibly sucked away, leaving them darkened and empty. What few people were left in City Hall poured out, wondering why the office had gone dark, only to scream and run when they saw Vanessa.
"A glorious start to my new age," Vanessa said as she brought her whip to a rest, "but not sufficient. If I am to rid these creatures of my stolen property, I must go straight to the source. You!" she demanded, imperiously pointing at one of the fleeing civil servants, who just happened to be the mayor of San Francisco. "If you value your life, you will direct me to what you people call the...'power plant'."
"A-anything you say!" the mayor said, sweat pouring down his bald head as his bushy red mustache trembled. "J-just don't hurt my constituents, please!"
Vanessa rolled her eyes. "I will do whatever I wish, mortal," she said snidely, not even looking at the mayor's hunched up figure. "Now, the information?"
Meanwhile, Jackie, Jade and Captain Black were huddled together, trying to escape Vanessa's notice.
"Okay, so if she was able to do this much damage here, then we cannot let her get to the power plant," Captain Black said seriously.
"No duh, but what're we going to do to about fighting her?" asked Jade, sneaking glances at the woman in question. "I mean, seriously! I don't even think Tchangzu packed that much punch!"
"It's the essence of a god's power," Jackie said solemnly. "Demonic sorcery cannot hope to compare to it, and I think physical attacks will be much the same."
"So, again, how do we beat her?" Jade asked indignantly. "Sheesh, this is the Demon Chi all over ag-" she stopped, her eyes widening. "That's it!"
"What's it?" Captain Black asked.
"It's just like the Demon Chi! The power was in an object, she absorbed it, and now she's going crazy! We don't have to outfight her; we just need to depower her!" Jade said triumphantly.
Jackie smiled. "Good thinking, Jade! I'll call up Uncle and-oh," he muttered as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a powerless cell phone. "Well, that's not good."
Captain Black grimaced. "Okay, so this is going to be tough, but we can still work this. Jade, I need you to try to run back to Uncle's store and pick him up. Jackie, you and I will distract Barone."
"Mhm," Jackie responded, nodding his head as Jade followed suit. However, just as they were about to move, they heard a familiar voice coming up the road, striding through the strangled mass of cars stopped by Vanessa's EMP-style power theft.
"Sensei...is all of this... really necessary?" Tohru panted as he came into view. He was sweating profusely as he jogged up to City Hall, a duffel bag in one hand, the Chi-o-Matic in the other, and Uncle perched on his shoulders.
"You want Uncle to suffer heat stroke? No? Then carry Uncle to destination!" Uncle barked.
As Tohru got closer, Jackie noticed that he was being followed by someone else. Someone rather familiar…
"Mr. Omphalos?!" Jackie squaked. Indeed, coming up alongside Tohru was Mr. Omphalos himself, looking like he had just stepped out of an office rather than run up a crowded road. "What are you doing here?"
"I gave you my number for a reason, Chan!" Mr. Omphalos snapped as the trio reached City Hall. "A phone's more reliable than a summoning spell these days!"
Jackie's mouth hung open for a moment before his eyes widened in realization. "Wait, you mean...so you're…you're…." he stammered, looking close enough to faint.
"Prometheus, creator and savior of humanity, yes," Mr. Omphalos said gruffly. " But there's no time to talk. Keep that woman busy while we finish the draining spell!"
The newly-revealed Prometheus, looking quite cranky, grabbed the duffel bag from Tohru and started taking things out, Uncle quickly descending to the ground and prepping the Chi-o-matic.
"Okay, so we managed most of it in the car," Prometheus pointed out to Uncle. "Now, add the crushed cedar leaves and adder bile into the olive oil mixture…"
Jackie turned his attention away from the Titan, then used one foot to sweep Jade back. "Stay with Captain Black!" he warned, before leaping away, landing right next to the cowering mayor. "Pardon me, Your Honor," he said, before pushing the terrified man aside. "Miss Barone!" he shouted. "You've been possessed by something very powerful. We need to get it out of you as soon as possible!"
"Possessed? You don't know the first thing about it, Chan!" Vanessa sneered as she gracefully leapt off the flagpole, a cyclone forming around her to lower her to the ground. "You think that Zeus's taken me over? I'm afraid it's not that simple."
"What?!" Jackie asked as Vanessa landed.
"I was wondering at first why the boss kept referring to the powers as if they were alive, but now I get it," Vanessa said, idly swinging her whip. "See, it wasn't just power in that eagle, Chan. It was memories, quirks, emotions; some of the things that made Zeus who he was got mixed in with it."
"Then-" Jackie began before Vanessa cut him off.
"But Zeus is dead; not even putting his power into a new body is going to change it. And so while that stuff may change me, it's not taking me over. In fact, it's more like the other way around; I'm not just using Zeus's power, I have become the new Zeus herself!" she declared grandly, a thunderclap punctuating her statement. "I may have a little baggage right now, but it's all Barone up here. And right now, she's going to be getting her revenge!"
"You'll have to catch me first!" Jackie replied, only to find himself in the center of a very small tornado. "Oh…"
"Yeah, 'oh'," Vanessa said smugly. "Now don't try to move, or I'll turn that thing into a blender."
"But how?" Jackie asked, trying to buy time. "Zeus wasn't god of the wind!"
"No stalling this time, Chan!" Vanessa snarled. "I'm not giving you any chance to escape!"
With a wicked grin, Vanessa raised her whip and flung her arm back, prepared to reduce her nemesis to a pile of ash. However, right before she could do so, a wave of fire washed over her, hiding her from sight.
Suddenly, the tornado around Jackie stopped, leaving Jackie free. As he looked around, he saw Prometheus with a hand extended, fire blazing brightly around his palm.
"What have you done?!" Jackie demanded, staring at the Titan with horrified eyes. "You've-"
"Got her attention," Prometheus muttered grimly. "She's literally the new Zeus, Chan; a little fire won't hurt her. And if this is how you're going to act when I save your life, then maybe I just won't do it anymore."
"That's not going to be a problem," came Vanessa's voice, before a sudden depressurization in the air caused the fire surrounding her to go out. Indeed, she was completely unharmed. "Because I'll be taking care of both of you soon enough."
"Hmph. So, looks like Zeus made the most of his imprisonment. That's, what, all four winds he absorbed the powers from?" Prometheus asked. "Should've known the Olympians would gobble up all of their lessers."
"Hey, you wanted to keep them around? Maybe you shouldn't have shoved them all together and hoped for the best! Or, you know, you could have just not engineered a divine genocide!" Barone snapped.
"Like I always told my brother, hindsight is 20/20," Prometheus sighed. "And it doesn't do to dwell. Now, Uncle, drizzle the potion over an oak branch and we're nearly done!"
"He calls you 'Uncle', too?" Jade muttered, nudging Uncle. "How's that work?"
Uncle just shrugged. "Formalities not important! Tohru! Hand Uncle oak branch!" the old wizard barked.
"Um…" Tohru muttered, looking sheepish.
"Tohru…" Uncle growled. "You'd better not be thinking that you forgot oak branch…"
"I didn't forget it!" Tohru protested hotly, before deflating. "I...never had it in the first place."
"Ai-yah!" Uncle screeched. "Uncle told you it was most important ingredient!"
"No you didn't!" Tohru argued. "You spent the whole time preparing the spell in the backseat while I had to make small talk with the cab driver!"
"Oh, so now you want Uncle to explain everything to you? Thought you were done with your apprenticeship!" Uncle fired back, glaring at Tohru. "Each spell requires a piece of a plant or animal sacred to specific god!"
The massive man was about to respond when he was interrupted by a thunderclap.
"Sorry to interrupt," Vanessa said sarcastically as the two wizards turned to face her, "but I figure I'd better nip this in the bud. Say 'Goodbye' to your uncle, Chan!"
With that, she swung the whip straight at Uncle, its entire body crackling with electricity. Tohru immediately picked Uncle up and tried to dive out of the way, but wasn't able to avoid a strike to the arm that left him screaming in pain, his skin sizzling where the lightning had touched.
"Big T!" Jade gasped, before turning to glare at Vanessa. "What are you trying to do, kill them?"
"Yes I am," Vanessa said bluntly. "Like I said, no more chances for any of you. And that includes giving you whatever time you need to finish up that spell."
"She has a point," Prometheus groaned. "Without an oak branch, we can't use the spell, and without the spell, we have no way of hurting her! I can blast her with fire until the cows come home, but it won't make a bit of difference."
Jackie, meanwhile, was deep in thought. "Wait, does it have to be an oak branch specifically?" he asked.
"Hm? Well, no, but it's not like there's anything made of oak out here," Prometheus replied thoughtfully. As he continued mull over Jackie's words, though, a fire began to flicker in his eyes. "Although I suppose...then again there's no guarantee…"
"Not like we have other options," Jackie said.
"Good point. I'll round up the wizards and get things set up. Think you can grab her attention?" Prometheus asked.
"I think the better question is, 'How long can I stay alive while doing it?'" Jackie sighed, before straightening up and shouting, "Hey! Miss Zeus Barone!"
"Oh for the love of me, will you shut up with the 'Miss' nonsense!" Vanessa snapped as she turned to face Jackie. "I am an adventurer, I am a warrior, and I am the new ruler of Olympus! If you are to address me, it will be as your unquestioned ruler or not at all!"
"Well, if you want my respect so bad, then come and get it!" Jackie replied, before turning on his heel and dashing through the doors to City Hall.
Vanessa sighed. "Why does he always make this difficult?" she muttered as she rushed after him, her feet surrounded by a current of air that suspended her above the ground.
As soon as Vanessa was out of sight, Prometheus rushed over to the group, Tohru having his arm bandaged by a coatless Captain Black. "Okay, so Chan's going to be buying us the time we need to find the last ingredient. We wait thirty seconds, then we head in and search for anything made of oak in that building. Sound like a plan?"
"Um, okay, sure, but you know she's going to catch on at some point," Jade pointed out. "We need something that can slow her down..." she mused as her eyes roamed over the cars. But as her eye landed on Captain Black's, her memory flashed to her practical exam earlier that day. A sly grin spread across her face. "And I think I know just what that is…"
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Jackie stumbled through the heavy doors and into the reception area. He cast a quick gaze on the reception desk, then shook his head. "Beech," he sighed, before placing his palms on it and vaulting over. Seconds after, there was a loud thunderclap as the desk burst into flaming shards, revealing Vanessa standing atop her cushion of wind, already drawing her whip back for another swing.
"Baddaybaddaybadday!" Jackie cried as he sprinted down the marble-tiled foyer. He tucked and rolled forward, just barely avoiding her second lash, then selected a door that was, unfortunately, made of teak. He dashed down a hallway, kicking every door in his path, knocking over plinths holding busts of previous mayors as he looked for even a single piece of oak furniture.
*BAM!* "Walnut." *BAM* "Maple." *BAM* "Oh, who has a desk made of pine!?"
Meanwhile, Vanessa was constantly on his heels, her control of the winds granting her complete mobility in the enclosed hallways, and her constant whip cracks echoing like thunder as her lightning-bolt weapon arced towards Jackie's ever-dodging body. He was running on pure adrenaline by this point, his every move just an instant ahead of certain death. Electricity was filling the air, his hair standing on end and every surface he touched delivering a shock.
Finally, Jackie let out a sigh as he threw open the door to the mayor's office, where there sat a huge, magnificent desk of-
"Oak!" Jackie exclaimed. "Finally!"
"Congratulations," snarled Vanessa as she appeared in the doorway, Jackie yelping and backing away from the enraged relic hunter. "I'll make sure to leave a piece at your gravesite. Today, Chan, is finally my day!"
"Why settle for a good day," Jade's voice called from the hallway, "when you can have a Goodyear?"
Vanessa snarled as she readied her whip, only for something to be thrown on top of her. Said item was...
"A tire?!" Vanessa exclaimed.
Indeed, Vanessa's arms were currently bound by one of Captain Black's tires, the rubber sizzling against her skin.
"Rubber doesn't conduct electricity," Jade explained with a smirk as she appeared at the door, the rest of the group standing farther down. "Guess science actually can be useful!"
Vanessa sighed. "Rubber's not magically anti-electricity, child," she snarled as her body started to arc with electricity. Suddenly, the tire began to melt away, molten rubber falling to the ground. "You've only bought yourself a little extra time!"
"Then it's a good thing that was just a decoy," Jade replied. "Jackie!"
Jackie smiled and delivered a chop to the top of the desk...then immediately let out a whimper and shook his hand in pain. "Right," he wheezed. "Oak is very sturdy."
"Well, find a weak spot, and fast!" Jade shouted. "She'll break free any second!"
Jackie searched the desk, then smiled and pulled out a drawer, slamming his fist into the bottom. He winced in pain again, but the drawer splintered. Smiling, Jackie snatched a piece from midair with his free hand and tossed it to Jade, who threw it to Prometheus, who threw it to Uncle, who poured his olive oil-heavy potion over it.
"Uncle is still not sure about the magical properties of olive oil, but…" the old man sighed and lifted the Chi-o-Matic. "Yu Mo Gui Gwai Fai Di Zao, Yu Mo Gui Gwai Fai Di Zao!" However, the Chi-o-Matic remained inert.
"What are you doing?!" Prometheus demanded. The molten rubber around Vanessa was now turning to smoke. Her skin was taking on a black tinge, and a horrible, acrid smell filled the air as her electricity built up to even more dangerous levels. "There are no goblins or evil spirits here!"
"Is Uncle's incantation! Has always worked before!" Uncle snapped. Then his face fell. "Except...with oni masks…"
"Exactly! You can't fight Greek magic with chi spells; you need a Greek one! Repeat after me! Theía Dýnami, Afíste Grígora!"
Uncle sneered at the Titan, but he and Tohru joined in the chant.
"Theía Dýnami, Afíste Grígora! Theía Dýnami, Afíste Grígora! Theía Dýnami, Afíste Grígora!"
As they chanted, the Chi-o-Matic began to glow with a steady green light, as a vacuum-like sound came from the "mouth" of the device.
Back in the room, Vanessa had all but obliterated the tire when she felt a slight tugging in her chest. Gasping, she turned and saw Uncle holding his glowing device aloft.
"No!" she screamed, spinning her whip around her head. "I will not be defeated again!"
With a screech, she cracked her whip, sending the tip straight towards the Chi-o-Matic. It hit the mouth cleanly, but rather than destroy it, it was instead held fast, the lightning slowly ebbing out of it as the suction on Vanessa increased.
"Ah, you give us direct connection! Makes things much easier!" Uncle said snidely as Vanessa started to panic. The speed of the spell increased, golden energy streaming out of Vanessa's form, her body shifting between her divine and normal forms as she frantically tried to drop the whip and run. But it was to no avail; in a matter of moments, Vanessa was left completely normal, the eagle finial falling out of her now ordinary coat, while the Chi-o-Matic's jar glowed with a crackling golden light. As if to punctuate the scene, the lights in City Hall all turned back on as their stolen power was restored.
"Awesome!" Jade cheered, leaping into the air. "Lightning in a bottle!"
"And as for you, Vanessa," Jackie began, "you're going to be-Hey!" he shouted as the relic hunter turned and ran. Seeing Jackie's friends in one direction, she sprinted the other way.
"See you next time, Chans!" she called back, only to run headfirst into Captain Black, backed by a guard of ten men wielding laser rifles. She growled and raised her hands, but just as Captain Black stepped forth to arrest her, she teleported to the side, directly into the nearest room.
With a laugh, she slammed the door and, ignoring the pounding from the other side, jammed Eris's key into the hole and turning it. As soon it made a full rotation, it popped, letting out a green mist that surrounded Vanessa, filling the entire room, as well as a sound like a goose cramming its feet into high heels. In a few moments, Vanessa faded out much like she had in the museum, disappearing in black and white like the ending of a silent film. And just like that, the room was empty.
Seconds later, Captain Black and Jackie burst through the door, looking around frantically. "Must've just missed her," Captain Black growled as he took in the empty room.
"Yes, but at least we managed to save the city and capture the power," Jackie replied. "And I'm sure Eris isn't the type to let failure go unpunished."
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"You feeling okay, Vanessa, dear?" Eris asked as she handled the relic hunter a glass of water. She and the rest of her group were back in the jeans factory, recovering from the mission.
"Apart from some memories rattling around in my head? Yeah, I'm doing alright, Boss," Vanessa replied as she gratefully drank from the glass.
"Yeah, that's what those powers'll do to you," Eris said, patting Vanessa's back. "Don't worry, it'll pass soon."
"Um, Miss Eris?" Origami asked hesitantly. "Not to pry, but...aren't you upset?"
"Yes," Zhīxin added, "She did fail to bring you the power, after all. She wasn't even able to stop the Chans."
"Two things. One, this whole 'undermining your fellow employees' thing? Stop it. Infighting isn't going to get us anywhere," Eris said authoritatively. "I love chaos and discord, but there's a time and place. And two, yes, I am a little upset. But taking it out on Vanessa or any of you won't do me any good, will it? Besides, she didn't fail at all."
"What do you mean?" Origami asked.
"She got Prometheus to show his face, she caused a lot of chaos, and she showed those goody-goodies just how dangerous these powers can be," the goddess answered with a smirk. "Which means they're not going to use them against us. They're probably going to lock them away, safe and sound in whatever hidey-hole they manage to cook up."
"And that helps us how?" Vanessa asked.
"Because they're good, and ordered, and stupid," Eris said. "That means they're predictable. They're going to hide Zeus's power, then they're going to hide whatever other powers they find in the same place. Which means…"
"...they'll be easy pickings once we're ready," Vanessa finished with a smile. "I like it. But does that mean we should try to give them the powers?"
"Not a chance!" Eris said, rolling her mismatched eyes. "Just because they'll make it easy for us doesn't mean we'll make it easy for them! Besides, I want those powers, and I want them ASAP. I've just learned to see 'ASAP' differently since being stuck in that amphora. Mainly because back then it meant 'amphora-stored and preserved'."
"Wait, how does that-" Origami began before Zhīxin nudged him in the ribs.
"Ancient wisdom: Do not question the monkey on why it swings," he muttered, before raising his voice. "So what is the plan for now?"
"Well, while we wait for the next power to perk up, we're going to be making a little field trip," Eris said. "You see, Prometheus has something he wants, I have something that I want, and wouldn't you know it? They're both in the same place."
"And where exactly would that be?" Vanessa asked.
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"Mount Olympus?!" Jackie screeched at Prometheus, who just looked on calmly. In the back, Uncle was angrily lecturing Captain Black about needing a portable containment unit to store Zeus's power, while Jade and Tohru looked on and Section 13 agents helped to direct all of the repowered vehicles through the blackout-induced traffic jam.
"Yes, Mount Olympus," he repeated. "The home of the gods, where the ruins of their palace lies hidden by ancient magic. Trust me, to see the end, we'll have to start from the beginning."
"At least one fight is over," Jackie sighed. Prometheus growled and gave him a two-fingered jab to the head. "Ow!"
"This is the beginning of a battle for the fate of the world as you know it!" Prometheus snarled. "And I can't hold your hand every step of the way! A lot more powers were released from that urn, and I haven't forgotten whose fault it was!"
Jackie was about to respond when Jade got into Prometheus's face. "Hey, lay off a bit, huh? He's not the one who made your prison a 'Get-out-of-Jail-Free' button."
"Yes, I'll admit, that was a foolish decision in hindsight," Prometheus grumbled, "but even so, it would have remained locked away if Chan hadn't found it, and if I'd gotten my hands on it last night, we wouldn't be in this mess right now!"
"Then maybe you should've-" Jade began, only to be cut off by Jackie resting a hand on her shoulder.
"Jade, thank you, but Prometheus is right," he said, looking the Titan in the eye. "Whether all or not, I do bear at least some responsibility in unleashing these powers."
Prometheus nodded with approval. "Nice to know that someone still sees sense. So, ready to save the world to make up for your failure?"
"No," Jackie said sternly, his allies standing behind him. "I'm saving the world because it's the right thing to do."
"Yeah," Jade added. "Besides, we've got plenty of practice."
"Uncle must do much research on Greek magic! Will give burping chaos goddess a piece of Uncle next time we meet!" Uncle declared, giving a disdainful sniff.
"Can we please stop calling her that now?" Tohru sighed, shaking his head.
Meanwhile, Captain Black was standing next to Prometheus. "You want my opinion?" he asked. "We're lucky that that urn blew up when it did."
"How do you figure?" Prometheus said sullenly.
"Because I can't think of a better team to save the world than these guys," Captain Black replied.
Prometheus then turned to examine the group; Jackie trying to convince Jade not to join in, Jade making liberal use of her training to avoid him, and Uncle and Tohru having a shouting match over magic particulars.
"...You know what the worst part is? You're probably right," Prometheus groaned as he rested his head in his hands, Captain Black patting him on the shoulder. But through his hands, there could be seen an optimistic smile and matching glint in his eyes. Despite his grumblings, there was hope for this world yet.
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GPQ: And the journey begins. *munches on a pork rind*
MP: You're gonna share that, right?
GPQ: I brought spare bags, along with dried strawberries, kiwis, mangos and lots of nuts. Oh, and have some coconuts. And I swear if you start singing about how I have a lovely bunch of coconuts…
PA2: You're forgetting something….
GPQ: Oh right, right. What happens next. So, let's see…
Next time: With Zeus all bottled up, the Chans head off to the home of the gods in order to talk with the last remaining Olympian god. But they won't be feasting on ambrosia and nectar as they must plead with her to join them in saving humanity from Eris's chaotic machinations.
It's time that Jackie Chan had a "Hot Date with Hestia"!
MP: Remember to fave, follow, and review!