MP: And we're back after a long absence!
PA2: It would have been shorter if you didn't insist on having such a huge chapter buffer.
MP: Two chapters is not huge! Besides, I originally only planned this "episode" to be two chapters. I didn't expect it to grow so much!
PA2: After Frau Marchen, you probably should have. (FYI, it'd be fantastic if you would read that too).
GPQ: Anything else you want to plug? (Like my Legends of the Three Caballeros story, or my new Pokemon/Yu-Gi-Oh Arc-V tale?)
MP: Not really. *takes a sip of Pepsi, logo facing out*
PA2: Come on, man, at least shill out for our own stuff.
MP: I don't get paid for our own stuff. And I need money to pay for all those ridiculous bets I lose. Also for spending on things.
GPQ: If you're waiting for a check, I think it'll be a while. Pepsi execs probably don't read fanfiction.
MP: Just once can't you two support my nonsense? It's the reason we have this fic.
PA2: If we did, we wouldn't be living up to our comedic function. What's a boke without a tsukkomi or two?
MP: Watch the language. Just because I'm weird doesn't mean I'm stupid. Anyway, this bit has gone on too long. Let's start the chapter already.
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Jackie Chan Adventures: Olympian Journey
Chapter 3: Hot Date with Hestia
Eris burst out of the corridor, panting and sweating. Even after being sealed in a ceramic urn for eons, that was the single most terrifying and insufferable experience of her immortal life. She'd never tasted air so stale, never felt so confined, never been treated with such absolute indignity!
"I told you you should've sprung for first class," Kasahara whispered to Vanessa as they and Zhixin followed Eris out of the terminal and into the Thessaloniki Airport "Makedonia" proper.
"We need to limit our spending!" Vanessa hissed back. "We're not working for a crime syndicate; unless Eris decides she wants to make money, we're stuck tapping into our savings!"
"Too boring!" came Eris's voice as she staggered back towards her employees. "I mean, do you seriously want me to use my divine powers to make something as common as currency?"
"It's less about the money and more about the fact that if we're going to be traipsing all around the globe looking for these things, it'd be nice to have some more cash in hand," Vanessa said.
"Of course, that's not to say that some more tangible rewards for our service wouldn't be appreciated," Kasahara muttered before Vanessa elbowed him in the side.
"You make a decent point," Eris said, waving her hand. "And I suppose there are quite a few artifacts in the palace on Olympus that aren't doing anyone any good. You can take those if you want. Odds are they'll pay those...what do you call them? 'Bills'? Now shut up while I continue complaining about that indignity! Seriously, they wouldn't even give me a full can of that bubbly drink! And nobody tells me I'm not allowed to make smoke!"
"They meant cigarettes," Zhixin said, shaking his head. "Not turning into a cloud of it."
"Whatever. Thank Chaos itself I'll never have to do that again!" Eris said with a sigh of relief.
"Dare I ask why?" Vanessa asked. "I mean, you've already made it clear you can't teleport us everywhere."
"Yes, and you have no idea how annoying that is," Eris groaned. "Get your power sucked up by sorcerers and suddenly you can barely teleport cross-country. But lucky for us, we've got the next best thing. Or at least we will once we get to Olympus."
"Can we teleport there at least?" Kasahara begged.
"Yes and no," Eris replied. "We can teleport to the top of the mountain no problem, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. See, we lived sort of 'above' the mountain, dimensionally speaking. It's a lot of complicated nonsense that I'd love to subject you to if we weren't on a time crunch, but the long and short of it is that in order to get to Olympus Olympus, it's gonna take some more magic just to open the door. And once we get inside..."
"Let me guess; mazes, death traps, and all manner of horrifying monsters?" Vanessa said, sighing.
Eris nodded. "We took home security pretty seriously back then. Plus, I'm sure Prometheus cooked up some new tricks just in case I ever returned. If I were a full-fledged goddess-or if we'd hung on to Zeus' power-it'd be no problem, but...well, you know."
"Ancient wisdom: It is the gold in the other man's pocket that is the most valuable," Zhixin said sagely.
Vanessa groaned. "Seriously? Can't you just say 'The grass is always greener'?"
"Grass is always greener when you're a god!" Eris snapped. "I've never once wished I was mortal!"
Zhixin nodded. "Exactly. It is not mortality that Eris desires, but possessions we do not have; namely the divine power currently in the possession of the Chans. Also," he continued with a snide smirk, "I think Lady Eris would appreciate the effort to find entirely new ways to dispense old information."
"I thought it was 'ancient wisdom'." Vanessa said with a smirk.
"If I said it in every sentence, I'd sound like an idiot," Zhixin snapped back. "And don't you dare finish that thought!" he growled, turning to Kasahara, who quickly closed his mouth.
"Okay, alright, break it up people," Eris groaned. "You can pick this up never. Now, let's out of here...but first, to make up for having to behave myself on the plane…" Eris smirked and bent over. She retched a couple of times, then vomited up a large mischief of brown rats. Smirking and reveling in the screams of mortals, she swept her minions into her arms and teleported them all away, leaving only a graffiti apple behind.
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At the same time, the Chans, along with Captain Black, and Prometheus, were approaching Greece's tallest mountain in their own way. A trained Section 13 pilot had taken them across the Atlantic in one of the organization's helicopters, and they were now staring up at what legend told was the domain of the gods.
"So this is where the gods lived, huh?" Jade shouted over the roar of the propeller. She cast her eyes over the mountain. "Can't say I see the appeal!"
"Show some respect!" Prometheus snapped as they rose steadily higher. "In the old days, mortals could only dream of traversing such heights, let alone flying!"
"And, thanks to you, we've progressed!" Jackie cut in, stepping between them. Jade and Prometheus had been sniping at each other the entire trip, and it was making the entire crew uncomfortable.
"Mr. Prometheus," Tohru asked, "what exactly is the plan once we reach the top?"
"Hmph," Prometheus muttered. "No patience anymore. I'll tell you when we get there, and not a minute before!"
"Well, looks like we won't have that long to wait," Captain Black said, pointing towards the window. Indeed, the peak of Mount Olympus was now clearly in view, and getting closer every second."
"Perfect!" Prometheus said, smiling. "Tell the pilot he needs to get higher! We need to be about...a hundred and fifty feet above the peak before we can start!"
"Wait, we're not landing?" Tohru asked. "But don't you need to do a spell of some kind?"
"Already done," Prometheus grinned as he lifted a small pouch out of his jacket. "I was able to premix the spell ingredients before we left. Once we open this packet, we'll have a portal to the real Olympus right there."
"Then why drag Uncle all the day to Greece?!" Uncle snapped. "Helicopters very bad for Uncle's health!"
"Because," Prometheus explained, visibly restraining his frustration, "the spell only works near the actual mountain."
"And we're not landing, why?" Jade asked, glaring at Prometheus.
"Simply put? I'm not stupid," Prometheus muttered. "By now, there's a pretty good chance that Eris and her cronies are already at the top and trying to break in on their own. By coming up here, we can avoid that and get a headstart thanks to using a personal portal."
"Okay, fine," Jade sighed. "So, where do we need to open the pouch?"
"Right here!" the Titan of Forethought announced. "Roll when you land!"
With that, he shoved the pouch into Jade's hands and pushed her out of the hatch. She let out an extended scream as she plummeted down.
"Are you crazy?!" Jackie demanded. He snatched a parachute and threw himself after Jade. The wind roared in his ears as he freefell, the parachute slipping from his grasp. He managed to hook it with his foot as he caught up to Jade, who smiled at him, rolled her eyes, and pulled the ripcord of what Jackie had thought was a backpack. Jackie's eyes bulged as her chute opened, becoming smaller and smaller in his view. Panicking, he seized his own chute and opened it, managing to drift to safety just fifteen feet or so from the peak.
Before they could descend further, Jade quickly untied the knots holding the pouch together and dropped it. The instant she did, the pouch exploded into a massive portal, one that glowed a bright red and with edges that moved like living flame. Jackie and Jade had just enough time to glance up to see Uncle, Tohru, Captain Black, and Prometheus following them, the latter carrying them in a sphere of flames, before they sank into the portal.
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"Seriously, what were you thinking back there?!" Captain Black demanded, glaring at Prometheus. After falling through the portal, the team had landed in what appeared to be a plainly decorated marble antechamber, empty but for a once-beautiful carpet leading up to a set of large bronze doors. The carpet looked like it had been dragged through a warzone; its colors were badly faded and its surface was covered in tears and burns. The team were all arrayed in a line in front of Prometheus, staring the Titan down.
"Uncle's heart nearly stopped beating!" Uncle snapped. He was actually baring his teeth at the Titan, although the more concerning thing was the death stare Tohru was giving Prometheus from behind Jade's back. "You want dead Uncle? No? THEN DO NOT SCARE UNCLE LIKE THAT AGAIN!"
"You need to be prepared for anything!" Prometheus snapped back. "We are dealing with the goddess of chaos! Insanity! Unpredictability! She could throw literally anything at you, and you'd have no way to defend against it! I thought this would be a good time to teach you to expect the unexpected!"
"Okay, fine, I get that, but there are better ways to do it! Even if you knew Jade had a parachute, you still shouldn't have put her life in danger like that!" Jackie said firmly.
"Oh right, she did have a parachute, didn't she…" Prometheus muttered, before holding up his hands in defense. "Kidding! I'm the Titan of Foresight! I predict outcomes! I wouldn't have put her in real danger!"
"That's still no reason to be so cavalier about it," Jackie replied. "Just because you can predict the future doesn't mean you have the right to do things without telling us, especially things that could be nearly fatal!"
"Ugh, alright," Prometheus groaned. "I'll be more 'considerate' next time. Anything to add?" he asked, looking at Jade.
"Tch. Yeah, just one thing. Pull a stunt like that again, and I'm letting Big T loose," she said, making a gesture over her shoulder at Tohru, who was cracking his knuckles.
"Fine, fine," Prometheus sighed. "But now is not the time to show discord or division. We're here for a reason, after all. And do you remember what that reason is?"
"It's not exactly rocket science," Captain Black said. "We're here to talk Hestia into helping us on our mission."
"Yes," Prometheus confirmed. "And our success rides on this. Hestia was integral the first time we sealed these powers. She knows just as much Greek magic as me, possibly more. And, sad to say, her loyalty, though nearly unshakeable once won, is hard to get these days. But I'll tell you this: Hestia is big on family and community. She'll have more faith in you if she sees you as the happy family I know you are."
Jade was clearly about to make another comment, but Jackie stepped forward. "We understand," he said. "In fact, I'd say that your little...incident might have helped reaffirm that, not that that excuses what you did!" he quickly added.
"Good to hear," Prometheus said, seemingly ignoring the last part of Jackie's sentence. "Plus, having me here will be a great help. Hestia and I were very close back in the old days; seeing her old friend'll do wonders to her temperament."
"You sure? Didn't she hide out here because she wasn't happy with how you ended up handling things?" Jade asked.
"The past is past, and it needed to be done!" Prometheus snapped. "She understood that then, and it'll still be true now. But no more dawdling. We have no idea how close Eris is to overcoming the defenses."
"Can't you just predict it?" Jade asked with a smirk as Tohru stepped forward and began pushing the doors open.
"Don't be a smart aleck," Prometheus snapped. "I can't predict what I don't know, and Eris is exceptionally good at coming up with random nonsense that somehow works out for her. I shudder to think of how she's been getting through my traps."
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"Okay, so let me get this straight," Vanessa said, pinching the bridge of her nose. "You saw that this entire hallway was lined with magical poison dispensers, which would have inflicted at least fifteen different painful deaths on us and severely incapacitated you if they were triggered."
"Yep!" Eris said perkily. "One thing I have to agree with Prometheus on; when it comes to killing people, there's no such thing as overdoing it!"
"Right," Vanessa said neutrally. "And so, you decided to use your godly powers to stop the trap before we could set it off."
"Least I could do!" Eris chirped. "I mean, not just because I like you guys, but because this is literally the only way to go to get what I want."
"Fair enough," Vanessa said. "But you lost me when your solution was to turn the poison dispensers into-"
"Pause for a sec," Eris said, putting a finger near Vanessa's mouth. Turning her head, she shouted, "How's it going over there?!"
"It'd be going easier if a certain someone wasn't eating when he should be slicing!" Zhixin growled as he sent an orb of energy through the densely packed cotton candy that had burst out from the dispensers, completely filling the hallway.
"This food was provided by our leader and master!" Kasahara argued, sitting in perfect seiza posture next to the monk as he delicately placed a piece into his mouth with his chopsticks. "It would be a sign of great disrespect not to partake!"
"Then at least turn into an elephant or something that can eat more at once!" Zhixin snapped.
"I cannot eat when I transform my head, you fool!" Kasahara snapped back. "And even if I could, you dare suggest that I abandon my dignity? Never!"
"Ancient wisdom: The stag prizes his antlers, but his legs are the greater gift," Zhixin said snidely.
"Again with the 'ancient wisdom'!" Kasahara growled. "How is anyone supposed to understand your teachings if you insist on hiding them in nonsensical metaphors?"
As he and Kasahara continued to argue, Eris turned back to Vanessa and shrugged. "Well, what're you gonna do?" she asked.
"Hire new coworkers," Vanessa muttered under her breath.
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"So where exactly are we going?" Jackie asked. The doors had led them into a maze of marble hallways, darkened and dusty, where they had been walking for the past several minutes.
"The Throne Room," Prometheus replied, his eyes fixed straight ahead. "The meeting ground for the Olympians and the place where the Sacred Hearth burns. It'll be the best place to try to reach Hestia."
"And how do you know the way to get there?" Tohru asked. "I can feel the magic hidden in these walls; they have been trying to mislead us since we started."
"Hmph," Uncle muttered under his breath. "Tell your apprentice he graduated and suddenly he's the greatest master there ever was."
"I helped design this place," Prometheus said over his shoulder. "After I urged the gods to set up base here during the Titanomachy, I drew up plans for their palace. And did they ever once give me any credit? Say, 'Thank you for the brilliant design'? Of course not! They let those lumbering one-eyed oafs take all the praise!"
"Well, I remember reading that the Cyclopes were master craftsmen," Jackie said thoughtfully. "Maybe they were thinking more about honoring their work and making up for their imprisonment."
"You're much too innocent, Chan," Prometheus grumbled. "When you have the powers of a god, even an act of kindness can be perverted. Now, we should reach the Throne Room any minute now. Do you have our offering?"
Tohru nodded and held up a bag containing two bottles and a wrapped package. "Sweet wine, olive oil, and bread dipped in honey, all as requested."
"Good," Prometheus said with a nod. "The food and drink of the mortals; perfect for reaching the Goddess of the Hearth."
"So what'll we have to do while you're working your magic?" Captain Black asked.
"Watch quietly and act happy," Prometheus replied snappily. "This is far above all of your levels; any of you interfering could have drastic consequences."
"How drastic are we talking here?" Jade asked.
"Well, given that failure will unbind the Hearth and allow centuries of sacred flame the freedom to fill and burn down this entire palace, I'd say pretty drastic," Prometheus said. Ignoring the pale looks on his companions' faces, he looked around for a few second before smiling. "There we are!" he said, pointing towards another set of doors, these ones pure gold, each bearing a carved omega symbol.
As the group walked up to it, Prometheus clicked his tongue. "She always hated these doors," he clucked, looking it over. "Said it was an 'eyesore' and a 'waste'. She was never one for opulence; not like her family, who revelled in excess," he continued with a smile. "She really was something else."
He stood there staring at the door for another few seconds before a light cough from Jackie brought him back to reality. Shaking his head as if to clear it, Prometheus placed a hand on each door and, with a single push, sent them flying open. The five humans let out a gasp. This room was nearly the size of a football stadium, carved out of what had to be an entire cavern's worth of marble. There was an enormous U-shaped table, lined with twelve enormous thrones, each one different, each tailored for what was clearly a different god's tastes. Behind that, stadium seating seemed to go on forever, similar to the layout of the United Nations, each with a smaller, but still customized, throne. Every wall was lined with elegant, detailed tapestries and frescoes of the gods' proudest moments, from the founding of the Olympian Council to their proudest inventions and victories.
In spite of this grandiosity, the room was dark and quiet. A clear inch of dust had settled over everything, and the marble was cracked, scratched, and marred. Many of the intricate carvings lining the walls of the room had fallen apart. The tapestries were frayed and faded, with some bearing giant tears right through the middle, and the frescoes were all chipped and stained. As big as the room was, the damage made it feel small, cold, and empty. The only sign of life was the burning hearth that the table was positioned around. It was a moderately sized fire, a bright red and orange, that burnt atop a small coal pit, encircled by thin bronze strips welded together to create a fence.
Jackie and the others looked around, taking the room in. "So, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this is the Throne Room," Captain Black said.
Prometheus nodded. "That it is. And that fire there is the Sacred Hearth. It is the birthplace of humanity's intelligence, the home of the very fires of creativity that let mortals reach their fullest potential, and the place where the heart of every home emanates."
"And I'm guessing it's good for roasting marshmallows," Jade commented.
"One bite of a marshmallow roasted on this flame and your mind would shatter," Prometheus growled. "Now, I need to get started. Wizard Tohru, please hand me the offerings."
As Uncle scoffed, Tohru dutifully handed Prometheus the bag. As the Titan set its contents upon the ground, the Hearth seemed to brighten slightly, the glow only increasing as Prometheus unwrapped the honey-soaked bread and dipped it first in the olive oil, then in the wine.
"Oh Goddess of Hearth and Home," he chanted as the Chans and Captain Black moved back towards the doors, "I, Prometheus, beseech you as your ancient ally to return to this plane. I offer you the food and drink of the mortal world," he continued as he held aloft the bread, "to remind you of what is at stake. From within the Hearth, you have seen all, and you surely know our need is great. Now, Divine Hestia, please appear before us, so that we may once more rid the world of the menace of the Olympians!"
With a flick of his wrist, Prometheus tossed the bread into the fire pit, where it instantly dissolved into yet more fire. For a few moments, he sat in front of the Hearth, eyes closed, patiently waiting. Then, suddenly, his eyes snapped open as the Hearth's flame started to quiver.
"She's coming!" he shouted, quickly getting to his feet. "Remember, look happy and unified! Hestia loves to see that!"
Jackie and the group stepped forward, most of them plastering on obviously fake smiles. Jade and Captain Black were the only ones whose expressions looked in any way natural, and it was more of a sculpted naturality than anything else. But as Prometheus was about to complain, the flames of the Hearth suddenly shot upward, scorching the ceiling and filling the room with a wave of heat.
"Hold steady!" Prometheus said as the group began to recoil. "She'll be here soon!"
And indeed, in front of the Hearth, stray sparks and offshoots of flame were building into a feminine figure, one which grew more and more defined with each passing second. She appeared to be shorter than average, and seated in a lotus position hovering right above where Prometheus had been sitting. But soon enough, the flames drifted away, revealing the goddess in all of her glory...such as it was.
The woman was, naturally, beautiful, with smooth olive skin, a sloping nose, and wavy, milk chocolate-colored hair. But her attire and expression were more restrained. She wore a loose brown dress that hid her figure, and a matching shawl over her hair that currently covered her eyes. As she descended to the floor and stood up, it became clear that she was only about five and a half feet tall, if even that. Still, she had an aura of majesty about her that no one could deny, especially not Captain Black. The man was staring at her with his jaw agape and his eyes aglow, much to Prometheus's frustration. "For Gaia's sake," he muttered, elbowing Black in the stomach. "Better leave the talking to me."
As the group watched, Prometheus stepped forward, smiling at Hestia. "It is so good to see you again, my dearest Hestia. Now come, let us-" was all he had time to say before Hestia's hand flew up and slapped Prometheus across the face. The blow was so hard that it knocked him straight into the wall, knocking a tapestry to the floor and shattering an ornate fresco.
"Shut up you miserable, misbegotten, murderous trickster!" she snarled, lifting her shawl just enough to reveal a pair of burning red eyes. Her musical voice sounded like it would have been quite pleasant if not for the incredible rage.
As Jackie and the group watched, their jaws agape, Hestia quickly turned her head towards them and smiled. "Sorry about all this drama," she said sweetly. "But Prometheus and I have some unfinished business to take care of before I do anything else."
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Vanessa, Zhixin, and Kasahara stumbled through the ivory double doors and gasped for breath, the final booby traps hopefully behind them. The new room was a cathedral-sized antechamber, with dozens of doors all around.
"Oh come on," Eris complained, walking calmly out behind them. "It wasn't that bad."
"Oh, I'm sorry, I guess next time I'll know better than to run for my life when a horde of monsters come pouring out of the horn gate you were sure was the way to get in!" Vanessa snapped.
"Hey, it's been a long few centuries!" Eris snapped. "I can't help forgetting some of my traps. Although now that I remember this one, I'm really proud of it," she continued, talking to herself. "I mean, play on the idea of the Dream Gates and have the supposedly 'true' option be the trap? Ingenious. And I told you, they can only catch you if you run! They're only illusions, and if you had faced them head-on-"
"Ancient wisdom," Zhixin panted. "Only the fool stares down the charging ox."
"Ugh, whatever," Eris groaned. "Anyway, now there's only one challenge left; we have to answer Patches' riddle. Should be easy; we played this game a lot back in the day."
She cast her eyes forward, only for them to fall upon a pile of bones on the floor. They were terribly mismatched; the skull was that of a water buffalo, but other bones hinted at fish, duck, eagle, and monkey. "Oh, Patches!" she wailed. She ran over to them and grabbed the skull. "Oh, my precious little baby!"
"Olympus's final defense was your pet?" Vanessa asked.
"It was the perfect defense!" Eris cried, hugging the skull to her chest. "And she was more than a pet! The eagle was my pet! Patches was my best friend! She was just like me; wild, fun, a little crazy, plus she was brilliant! She knew more riddles and puzzles than any old Sphinx!"
"And so that's why you put her here," Kasahara mused. "Not only was she exceptional at her job, but putting her here gave her, and by extension you, a higher position of power."
"Basically," Eris said as she dried her eyes. "Besides, she liked it. Sure, most of the time it was boring, but when unwanted immortals came around, boy could she have some fun! Imagine Ares trying to solve a riddle! The oaf was locked in here for three days trying to figure it out!"
"Okay, yes, you two had a lot of good times," Vanessa said, cutting off Eris's extended monologue. "But if there's no guardian, then do we just walk in?"
Eris sighed. "Yeah, we can. We're in the clear. Anyhoo, this one's our first stop," she said, pointing to a door marked with an image of crossed torches. "Auntie Hecate's room. The most important thing of all is in there. Now, Kasahara, I'm going to need you to open it from within."
Kasahara raised an eyebrow. "Me?"
"Is there another Kasahara here? Yes, you! You're the only one who can slide under the door. I may have been Auntie Hecate's favorite, but even I couldn't enter her room uninvited. Now flatten yourself before I do it for you!"
Kasahara sighed and returned to his paper samurai form, then, very carefully, unfolded himself bit by bit, extending his feet under the door and sliding inside until he was out of sight.
"Oh," Eris added, snapping a finger, "I almost forgot: Watch out for her security system!"
Seconds later there was a loud explosion. The door lightly swung open, and Kasahara collapsed into the hall, his handsome purple kimono now badly scorched and his angular, pinched face scratched and bleeding.
"My word," Vanessa remarked. "What was in there?"
"I don't want to talk about it," Kasahara grunted, climbing to his feet. Eris looked him over, tenderly wiped his face with the side of her toga, and then shoved him aside and walked in.
A tear came to the Goddess of Discord's eye as she gazed around her favorite aunt's room. Once this place had been glorious, a beautiful, macabre shrine to the arcane arts. It used to hold magic talismans, black marble sculptures of hellhounds, silver candelabras, and thousands of books of spells handwritten by the Goddess of Magic herself. Now, it had been pillaged and long since abandoned. The talismans and candelabras had been stolen, a few hardened wax spots on the tables the only signs that the latter were ever there. The statues had been smashed to bits, and the bookshelves were bare, save for scorch marks that Eris recognized as Hecate's very own fire-a sure sign that her aunt had gone down fighting, and destroyed her secrets when all hope was lost. A clear inch of dust coated every surface, and her mattress had been torn open, with black goose down scattered everywhere.
More moisture welled up in Eris' mismatched eyes, and she absently brushed some of her tangled, multicolored hair into her face to hide it. Her henchmen said nothing, simply waiting for her to make a move.
"I haven't been in here since before...before everything," the goddess choked.
"Ancient wisdom," Zhixin said solemnly, "it is easy to make a journey, but impossible to truly return."
Eris rolled her eyes and backhanded him, sending him flying into Vanessa, his face landing in a very unfortunate spot, earning him another slap from the relic hunter. "Are you sure what you want is here?" Vanessa asked, staring at the room. "It looks like everything useful is long gone."
"Appearances can be deceiving," Eris said, regaining her smirk. She stepped forward, the movement (the room's first in centuries) sweeping aside dust and feathers. She stood in the center of the room and laced her fingers, then began chanting in her ancient tongue.
"Krymméno vivlío Magic, apokalýpste ton eaftó sas ston pragmatikó sas idioktíti. Krymméno vivlío Magic, apokalýpste ton eaftó sas ston pragmatikó sas idioktíti."
In a flash of light, a small object appeared on the desk. It was a scroll made of black sheepskin, the sides made of polished ebony. Smiling her lopsided grin, Eris picked it up and opened it, revealing the golden ink writing within.
"What is it?" Kasahara asked, staring at the scroll but unable to read the bizarre language within.
"My key to power," Eris replied. Suddenly, she shuddered. "Hm...I'm feeling some very familiar energies active in here. So, after we pick up some odds and ends, we're going to attend a little...family reunion."
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"And don't even get me started on the fennel!" Hestia snapped at Prometheus, who had since extracted himself from the wall and was staring at Hestia, his mouth agape. The Chans and allies were equally perplexed, having listened to Hestia rant at the Titan for nearly five minutes without pausing for breath.
"You made this entire palace smell like burning licorice for a month! Do you know how badly that stinks?" she asked, at which point Jackie coughed lightly. The goddess turned to him and glared. "What?" she said quietly.
Jackie gulped loudly, but forced a wide smile. "Well, uh, miss...goddess," he said before gulping again, sweating profusely.
"We came here to ask for your help," Tohru interjected, bowing low. The others followed his lead-even Uncle, who groaned as his back cracked. "For you see, Eris and the powers of the Olympians-"
"Have been released, I know," Hestia said, sighing. "I saw it myself."
"Wait, you did? How?" Jade asked. "I don't remember seeing a fireplace down there."
"There was a furnace. Same difference, really. I've kept up with the times," she replied, rolling her eyes. "Could hardly maintain my position if I didn't."
"Wait, but then why-?" Captain Black began, only for Hestia to put up a hand.
"If you don't mind, could we hold off on the questions for now?" she asked. Her expression softened, and her eyes shifted from burning red to a harmless, deep brown. "I was so wrapped up in dealing with Prometheus that I completely forgot my manners. Welcome to Olympus, once home of the gods. Would you care for anything to eat? I just baked some pomegranate muffins," she continued, before reaching into thin air and pulling out a basket filled with steaming muffins.
They looked absolutely perfect, the golden brown of the dough perfectly offset by the bright red pomegranate seeds, and the rich scent emanating from them soon filled the room. As the group looked at them, their mouths almost involuntarily began to water. Mustering his willpower, Jackie said, "Oh, we couldn't possibly impose," all while staring at the basket with hunger in his eyes.
Hestia chuckled. "It's no trouble at all," she said. "Just part of my duty as a hostess." With a snap of her fingers, the muffins were engulfed in bright red flames, flames which leapt from the basket and into the hands of everyone but Prometheus. The second the flames reached their destination, they faded away, leaving behind a perfectly unburnt and still piping-hot muffin, whereupon everyone began to dig in.
"...Really?" Prometheus muttered. "I can't even have a snack?"
Hestia turned to glare at him. "Why so surprised?" she asked snidely. "I seem to remember you telling me that you're never shocked by anything."
"Emotions are just plain unpredictable," Prometheus growled. "And you'd be better off doing like me-putting the past behind you."
Hestia's eyes started to glow, as did the basket in her hands. "Oh, I see. You were expecting me to drop everything and help you fix this situation, just like the last time. You were so sure of yourself, weren't you? Bringing your new 'allies' here and expecting me to come running into your arms, no questions asked? Well, maybe you could benefit from a little history lesson!"
With another snap of her fingers, the basket dissolved into fire, which separated into three balls of flame and began orbiting Hestia's hand. "Thrice I have helped you, Prometheus. Thrice have I trusted you with the fate of mankind. And how have I been repaid?"
"Um, little help here?" Prometheus asked, slowly backing into a corner. The rest of the group just kept on eating, genuine expressions of delight on their faces as they moved away from the feuding deities.
"These are fantastic," Captain Black commented. "Do I detect a hint of lavender?"
"I'll never tell," Hestia said with a wink, her eyes flashing to brown for a brief second before turning back to Prometheus, her skin and hair beginning to glow like coals.
"But you! First, I helped you trick Zeus into letting mortals have the best parts of the animal! I convinced him that you were tricking him twice over, and I ended up eating nothing but bones, fat, and hooves!" she snapped, sending her first fireball flying at Prometheus's head.
"Now hold on. I didn't tell you to-" Prometheus began, before dodging another fireball.
As the Titan just barely dodged out of the way, she continued, "Second, I let you take the flames of my hearth to bestow the mortals with creativity! And in exchange, I not only lose the respect of my family, but find myself relegated to a mere afterthought!"
"Well, I told you that things would never be the same!" the Titan sneered, only for Hestia to toss another burning projectile.
"Third! I still chose to become humanity's voice in the Olympian Council, defending them even as they began turning against us! I had to deal with the scorn and mockery of my own family and became a pariah in my own home! And for my pains, my caring, how was did you, champion of the mortals, repay me?" Hestia growled.
Before Prometheus could even open his mouth, the next fireball collided with his chest, knocking him over.
"You kill my entire family!" Hestia screamed, her body now glowing with incandescent flame. "We made that plan to save humanity, not to obliterate the Olympians! Their savagery was unnecessary, and you were the one who pushed them to it!"
"Of course I pushed them to it!" Prometheus snapped, standing up and brushing the flames and ashes off of his chest. As he did, his jacket began to disintegrate, breaking apart with every brush. Underneath, the right side of his abdomen was visibly scarred and sunken in, covered with a lurid spectacle of beak marks stained with blood. Around each of his wrists was a thick ring of bruised muscle. "The Olympians needed to be stopped! We had no guarantee they'd stay powerless, and then we'd be right back to square one! Desperate times-"
"Don't you dare finish that sentence!" Hestia interrupted. "Murder never solves anything! It just leaves behind broken hearts and a drive for revenge."
"You weren't taking that tone in the Titanomachy!" Prometheus shot back. "You fought right alongside your brethren; only then I was the traitor!"
"You really do have a faulty memory, don't you? I objected to that war every step of the way, but I fought to protect my siblings. And who convinced the gods to trust you?"
"Me! I handed over Atlas' battle strategies and found them the perfect base of operations!"
"And they were suspicious of everything you did! It was me who convinced them to give you a chance! And look where that got us!"
"You're still alive, aren't you? Not rotting in Tartarus, correct? You should be thanking me!"
At that, the flames covering Hestia went out. "'Thank you'?" she asked quietly. "Yes, I suppose I should thank you, Prometheus. You led the slaughter of my family, proved that I was a fool for trusting you all those millennia ago, and abandoned me to my grief because you saw it as pointless. So, yes, I will thank you for showing me the truth I was too blind to see before!" she continued, her voice rising with every word.
"And that is?" Prometheus asked snidely.
"That you care about nothing but yourself!" Hestia screamed, the flames igniting again. "Your achievements, your revenge, it all comes right back to you! And frankly, I'd sooner help Eris reclaim our family's birthright than let you manipulate me one more Gaia-damned time! Now take your mortals and get out of my palace!" she snapped, pointing right back towards the doors.
For a few moments, no one spoke. The Chans and allies looked at each other in shock, unsure what to say next. Hestia was panting and trembling with rage, each breath emerging as a cloud of sparks from her mouth. Prometheus was also shaking, his face turning a bright red, his hands starting to smolder. But before he could do anything more than open his mouth, a familiar voice filled the chamber.
"Wow, Auntie! Wish you'd told me that earlier! Would have saved me a lot of trouble," said Eris as she and her henchmen strode into the room, walking through an entranceway near the spectator seating. All four of them were hefting a wooden trunk each, but while the three mortals were straining to hold up the weight, Eris had placed hers on a rainbow-colored cloud, dragging it along like a pet with its lead.
"Chan!" Vanessa snapped. She, Zhixin, and Kasahara snapped into battle stances, but Eris held an arm out in front of them.
"Not here," she warned. "The hearth is a place of truce."
Hestia let out an exasperated sigh. "Hello, Eris, dear," she said half-heartedly. "I suppose I should've guessed you'd come here soon. Make it through your imprisonment alright?"
"Yes, no thanks to you! I suppose you've spent all this time by the hearth, watching mortals? Would explain why you left your only living family to rot for centuries."
Hestia frowned, but didn't say anything.
"Whatever," Eris said, flippantly waving her hand. "Water under the bridge. That is, if you were telling the truth a minute ago."
"No, please!" Jackie cried. "We need you to come back to Section 13!"
Eris turned to her henchmen, confused. "What's Section 13?" she whispered.
"Some government organization Chan's been working for," Vanessa told her. "They're quite a nuisance for people like us."
"And where is it?"
"Somewhere in San Francisco," Kasahara said with a shrug.
"Ah…." the goddess of discord said, before turning back to Hestia. "Please, Auntie dear, I only want to reunite what's left of our family; to right what went wrong. Surely you can respect that?"
Hestia sighed again, her eyes returning to their regular brown. "Of course I can," she said. "But tell me, what happens to humanity in this scenario? You recover the powers, and then what? Wipe them all out anyway?"
"What, you still care about them?!" Eris scoffed. "You said it yourself! They slaughtered the entire Pantheon like we were monsters! Not just the top brass either! The Muses! Ariadne! Even Hedone! Deities who'd never hurt a mortal in their life or had even been mortal once! How can you even compare those miserable masses to everything we've lost?! They are a scourge!"
"No, the humans who slew our family were a scourge," Hestia retorted. "Were I to blame all of humanity for the sins of those ancient foes, I would be no better than them. Grief cannot be weighed against grief; there is no winner when competing over tragedies."
Eris rolled her eyes. "Oh, there you go again with your little speeches!" she snapped. "That's what we all hated about you! You were always sickly nice or acting like you always had all the answers! You were finally showing a little bit of emotion, but suddenly Eris shows up, and it's right back to teacher mode!"
"Would you prefer I rant and rave like a madwoman, or spin my words like that snake Prometheus?" Hestia replied, ignoring Prometheus's squak of outrage. "Maybe I restrain myself because almost every time I've seen a relative feel something deeply, someone ended up cursed, dead, or both! The hostess may be a mask, the prophetess may be a disguise, but at least neither will turn a man into a tree just for making a careless remark!"
"Wait, Hestia was faking the hospitality stuff?" Jade whispered. "How's that supposed to work?"
"'Fake' is the wrong word," Captain Black replied solemnly. "I've seen things like this before. She must have been so angry to see Prometheus here that she dove into a role just to keep from lashing out. Granted, I've never seen it on a godly scale, but the psychology seems to be similar."
"Don't try to understand the minds of immortals," Prometheus warned, having since crept back to rejoin the group, as well as conjure a new jacket. "It never goes well. They don't like to be compared to mortals."
"Tch, you would say that, wouldn't you?" Jade sneered.
Uncle growled, and finally stepped forward. In rapid succession, he delivered two-fingered strikes to Eris, Prometheus, and Hestia. "Enough!" he shouted. He then pointed to each of these deities in succession. "Eris needs to back off! Prometheus should have told Uncle that Hestia was angry! And Hestia must help us before world ends! One more thing!" he continued, striking Captain Black as well. "Why are you not arresting thieves?!"
Captain Black opened his mouth to say something when he was interrupted by a snort of laughter coming from Eris. "Oh, I like you," she chuckled, rubbing her head where she had been hit. "You're fun. When I rewrite the universe, I'm keeping you in a terrarium."
Before anyone else could react, Jackie stepped in. "Please, Miss Hestia," he said, "we beg you. You're the only one who can protect us on our mission. You have always been a friend to mankind, a pillar of family and community. Surely you know in your heart what's right."
"Oh, don't be such a bleeding heart, Chan!" Vanessa snapped.
"Ancient wisdom," Zhixin added. "Though the mountain may stand strong, all things shall weather away."
"Now hang on a second. He's got a point. Hestia should trust in her heart," Eris said.
"Huh?" Jackie responded, his tone one of complete shock. "Really?"
"Absolutely! After all," Eris continued with a grin, "Hestia prizes family above all other things. Even the fate of your little species." Turning to Hestia, she said, "Our family is dead because these creatures, a death from which there's no coming back. They're gone, forever. And so, as the foundation of Olympus, I ask you, Auntie, no, Goddess Hestia, to aid me in righting this ancient wrong." As she spoke, she knelt before Hestia, bowing her head in supplication. At her urging, her henchmen followed suit. "Please. I'm no longer at my full power. I need you. I need family by my side once more."
Prometheus glared at the Chans and knelt down as well. "Hestia, you know Eris has become twisted with time. I will admit that what had been done before was wrong, but it does not change that fact. If Eris has her way, humanity will be wiped from the earth, and I know you could never be party to such an act. Help us, and know that you will truly save mankind. For good this time."
Hestia drew herself to her full height, staring at both sides. "I don't see why I should help anybody," she said, her voice rigid. "Both of your groups are tainted with the bitterness of ages. Frankly, I see no reason not to just leave you to your squabbles; the world will be destroyed either way."
"Come on!" Jade begged. "We haven't done anything wrong here! Throw us a bone! At least let us prove we're doing the right thing!"
Before Hestia could respond, however, Eris's head suddenly shot up-literally, off of her neck, tumbling through the air. Her eyes glowed gold as a magical mist flew out of her neck. "Ugh, this is so embarrassing," she complained. "Decapitation during my first family reunion in eons!"
"A new power is activating!" Kasahara exclaimed.
"And in other news, the sky is blue," Eris snarked as her head landed back on her neck. "Seriously, what is it with you people stating the obvious all the time?" Adjusting her head's position with her hands, Eris glared at the cloud of mist. "Well, do your thing," she muttered.
The mist spun in the air before coalescing into a singular image; that of a woman in armor. Her hair, long and brown, tumbled down from her helmet, and her gray eyes seemed to stare straight through the onlookers, highlighting her sharply beautiful features. In one hand she held a spear, while the other held a handful of olives. To complete the image, an owl was perched on her shoulder.
"It's the power of Athena!" Jackie gasped.
"Figures she'd activate the day after Zeus," Eris muttered. "Daddy's little kiss-up." Se then yelped as a burst of fire shot right past her head.
"Watch your manners, young lady," Hestia snapped, glaring at her 'niece'. "I will not have our family disrespected here, even by you."
"Where is the power?" Kasahara asked, pointedly looking away from his annoyed employer and focusing on the figure of the goddess.
Eris rolled her eyes and swirled the mist with her hand. The image shifted, displaying a map of Scandinavia, zooming in on the east side of the peninsula.
"Stockholm," Jackie reported as the city came into view.
"Thank you," Eris said sincerely, which made Jackie wince. "And the lucky vessel is…"
She swirled the mist once more, and a picture of a Viking longboat came into view. Rather than floating on the water, it was displayed in what had to be a museum, one with various Viking relics and hardwood floors.
"A boat?" Hestia said, an incredulous expression on her face. "Surely not. After all she and Poseidon had been through, a boat would be the last place for her essence to hide."
"Look closer," Prometheus scoffed, pointing at the boat's side. Indeed, there seemed to be something covering it...
"It's lined with shields!" Tohru realized.
"Ugh, ring of eagles, wall of shields," Eris groaned. "If I have to dig through a shoe store to get Hermes back, I'm gonna lose it. Welp, time to get moving."
"She's right," Jackie whispered with a grimace, leaning into Prometheus. "We can worry about Hestia later; keeping this power out of the hands of evil is more important."
"I strongly disagree," Prometheus grumbled. "Getting Hestia on our side is the most important thing. Eris getting a power makes are job harder, but doable. But if don't get Hestia or, worse, Eris gets her? We might as well give up."
"So what do you suggest?" Jade asked. "Have us stay here and sweet talk your ex while Eris snags the shield?"
"Watch your tone, brat," Prometheus snarled, "and not exactly. You go get Athena's power. I'll stay here with Hestia."
"What?" Jackie yelped. "But-"
"I already set it up so that the portal will deposit you at the foot of the mountain," Prometheus said, "and your wizards know the spell to contain the object. Get in your helicopter, fly to Sweden and do your heroic nonsense while I get Hestia to see sense."
"How typical of you, Prometheus," came Hestia's voice, causing the Titan to jump. The goddess was standing right next to him, a frown on her face. "You really have no idea how to talk to people."
Prometheus, his entire body tense, opened his mouth as if to shout, but then stopped. As he looked at Hestia's face, the tension flowed out of his body along with a sigh. "I deserved that," he said.
Now Hestia was the one to look surprised. "Excuse me?"
"I said I deserved that," Prometheus grumbled. "I honestly deserve a lot more for what I've put you through today, let alone the past centuries. Not to mention how I've been treating these mortals," he added, prompting Eris to roll her eyes.
"Oh come on, seriously? After I just got through a whole speech about masks and junk, now you're trying to fake sincerity?" she snarked.
"I'm not faking," Prometheus growled, glaring at Eris. "I still think Hestia would be mad to choose anything other than helping us. I still have doubts about these mortals. But if I'm not willing to swallow my pride and at least try to be…'nicer'," he said with a shudder, "then I'll be right where I was when I walked in. Call it self-serving, but at least it's honest."
"'Honest' my foot!" Eris snapped, swelling up one of her feet for emphasis. "You're still the same arrogant blowhard you were five minutes ago, and, what's more, you'll never change! Take it from me-'change' is what I do."
"Well, foresight's not about standing still either, brat," Prometheus said. "It's about recognizing when something won't work and trying to change it. And if one attitude's failing me, I might as well try another."
Eris opened her mouth to respond when she was cut off by a sigh from Hestia. "Why did you have to actually learn something over the years?" the goddess of the hearth muttered before saying, louder, "Alright, fine. You get another chance," to the Titan. As Prometheus grinned, she turned to Eris, who was glaring at her and continued, "Both of you do. You two have earned that at least."
"Um, so is she on our side, or…?" Jade whispered to Jackie, who just shrugged his shoulders.
As Prometheus and Eris shot hateful looks back and forth, Hestia began to address the entire room. "I'll make this simple. Whichever group manages to control Athena's power first will have proven their competence, and therefore receive my aid."
"'Control'?" Captain Black asked. "What do you mean?"
"Exactly what it sounds like," Hestia said. "For Eris, it would be absorbing the power into herself. For Prometheus, it would be capturing the power using his spell. What matters is that the power is properly secured."
"Aw, come on, really?" Eris moaned. "Shouldn't I win if someone gets ahold of it?"
"Letting chaos take its toll is hardly a test of competence," Hestia replied. "And allowing Athena's remnants to possess an innocent is not a means of controlling them."
"Fine, fine," Eris grumbled. "So, what? You're going to zap us to the shield now?"
"You wish," Hestia said with a smirk. "Reaching the shield is part of the test. However, I will send you to the foot of the mountain. Best to have a fair starting ground, after all. Any questions?"
Uncle opened his mouth to answer, only for Hestia to talk right over him. "None? Good. See you in Stockholm!"
Before anyone could say another word, Hestia snapped her fingers, causing both groups to be engulfed in flames, which soon spread out to consume her as well. In a matter of moments, the Throne Room of Olympus was empty but for a section of dust charred to ash.
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PA2: And they were never heard from again. The end!
MP: Ha! So you are able to crack a joke! And here I thought you were just born without a sense of humor.
PA2: Please, I'm not that bad. Although I do have the compulsive need to mention how yes, we know these skits aren't really a traditional boke/tsukkomi routine, but I got tired of making "straight man" jokes so I went with another type of comedy.
GPQ: "Comedy". That's generous.
MP: Oh, a critic!
PA2: Not like anyone has to read this. Or does read it, probably.
MP: Disagree. They at least want to know the title of the next chapter. Speaking of-
GPQ: "Agents of Athena's Shield" is up next! See you then!