PA2: Welcome back to Olympian Journey, everybody, and sorry about the wait!
MP: I know it's been a long time, but we never stopped working...you know, for more than a week or two. We're not robots!
PA2: Ostensibly.
MP: Oh, please. I've seen you kill people (best Rosh Hashanah ever!). No way you subscribe to Asimov's Three Laws. But that's beside the point.
PA2: ...I'd have more to say, but let's not keep our readers waiting any longer. Enjoy the chapter, everybody!
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Jackie Chan Adventures: Olympian Journey
Chapter 5: Turnabout Tapestry
The cloth gave an audible snap as it tossed its contents onto the floor. Jade, Captain Black, Prometheus, Eris, and Kasahara were all sent skidding across a highly polished hardwood floor, where they crashed into a pair of mahogany tables.
"Ugh," Eris groaned, rubbing her head as she stood. "What a way to travel."
"Tch," Jade said, surprised to find herself agreeing with the goddess. "Whoever said 'happiness is a warm blanket' never had to deal with that."
As the group got to their feet and brushed themselves off, they suddenly heard a loud "Ahem!" from behind them. Quickly turning, the entire group paled at the sight of the ten-foot woman looking down at them from her mahogany desk. She was a stern figure, her short hair full of rigid curls, her harsh, angular face striking rather than beautiful. She was wearing only a black robe, and both of her muscular arms were outstretched, one wielding a gavel, the other a balancing scale. The most disturbing thing about her, though, was that everyone present could feel the weight of her glare on them, even though she was wearing a blindfold.
"Oh, no," Prometheus and Eris groaned, their hands flying to their foreheads in unison.
Meanwhile, off to the side, Hestia was seated in a paneled jury box, looking around in confusion. "How did I recombine…?" she muttered, before looking up and noticing the giant woman. Instantly, her face broke into a smile. "Oh! It's-"
"The jury shall refrain from commenting until they are addressed by the court," the woman said, her voice cold and empty of emotion as she turned her glare onto Hestia. Hestia frowned and went silent.
In a swirl of light, two more massive women materialized directly in front of the blindfolded woman's desk. The first was a pale, rubenesque woman with curly brown hair down past her waist. Seated at a small, three-legged stool, she cast her watchful green eyes all around the room, then picked up a quill and an immensely long scroll and began writing. The second was a dark-haired, dark-eyed, very muscular woman who sent ferocious glares at all of them-in her case without a blindfold. Her clothing was tight and dark, the only splash of color the broken chariot wheel she wore as a pendant, and she brandished a bloodstained broadsword.
"Court is now in session!" the dark-eyed woman barked. Everyone present, save for the other giant women, straightened their spines at the sound of her voice. "The honorable judge Themis presiding! All rise!"
Captain Black and Jade gave confused looks, but Prometheus yanked them upward. Eris did the same with Kasahara.
The woman at the bench, clearly named Themis, nodded. "You may be seated," she said, gesturing to the tables. The five sat down, Eris and Kasahara at one table, Prometheus, Jade, and Captain Black at the other.
"'Themis'..." Captain Black repeated in a whisper. He turned to Prometheus. "The same Themis you mentioned earlier?"
"Exactly," Prometheus whispered back. He rubbed his temples, exasperated. "And Nemesis and Mnemosyne, too. Oh, I had a feeling this might happen, but I shrugged it off. It seemed so unlikely!"
"That what might happen?" Jade demanded. "That a giant cloth would snatch us up and stick us in the hot seat?"
"Pretty much, yes," Prometheus said with a shrug. "Can you blame me for thinking it was unlikely?"
"Silence in the court!" Themis demanded, banging her gavel. "We will now commence a trial that has been a long time coming: the case of Divinity vs. Humanity. Representing divinity will be Eris, Goddess of Discord."
"Yeah, I'm not crazy about courtrooms or laws," Eris replied through pursed lips. The way she picked at her hair and breathed through her teeth, she almost seemed...nervous? "Way too much-ugh-order for my taste. How about we table this until-"
"This case has waited long enough!" Themis snapped. "Representing humanity will be Prometheus, the Titan of Forethought!"
"Really, Themis," Prometheus objected, "this is hardly the time to-"
"It most certainly is!" Themis interrupted. "You were both arguing about it not two minutes ago! It is time to settle this once and for all!"
"Pardon me, your honor," Kasahara spoke up. He alone seemed to be maintaining his poise in their new predicament, folding his hands (for once not literally) and staring Themis in the eyes...sort of. "But you have not mentioned which side is prosecution and which is defense. Whose fate is at stake?"
"Both!" the Titaness of Justice sneered. "Humanity and divinity alike will be both plaintiff and defendant! You will present your arguments to the court, whereupon our jury shall decide which representatives gave the best case, and any and all found guilty will be executed, courtesy of Nemesis."
The bailiff gave a toothy grin, running her fingers down her sword as she did.
"I see," Kasahara gulped. "So it is more of a debate than a trial, as it were."
"In a manner of speaking, yes," Themis acknowledged. "But it is still an act of justice, and as such falls under my purview."
"Seems a waste of time," Eris pointed out. "We can't even bring any witnesses but these three humans."
"Speak ill of my courtroom again and I will hold you in contempt of court," Themis warned. "True, there are limits to our witnesses, but, thanks to our stenographer Mnemosyne, we have the entire history of the universe as evidence. Simply pick a time and place and it shall be viewed."
At her words, two massive tapestries descended from the walls behind her. The first looked like a stained glass window of a church, displaying images of the gods bestowing blessings on mankind and each other. The colors were pastel hues against earth tones, creating an attractive contrast. The other looked like something out of a comic book in its style, showing smug, cartoonishly exaggerated gods sneering at mortals as the gods engaged in wild debauchery. This one's colors were shadowy, with sparse lighting emphasizing the twisted faces, both of the gods' disdain and the humans' misery. Despite their differences, both tapestries were of the highest quality, as if they were windows or television screens rather than collections of colored thread.
"Those tapestries…" Eris sighed, staring at the works. "Figures we can't get away from her," she said to herself.
"And what about tall, dark, and angry over there?" Jade asked, gesturing towards the final woman.
"My bailiff is here to ensure that no violence occurs within the courtroom. And Nemesis is extremely good at her job," Themis said. At the mention of her name, the goddess brandished her sword and gave another terrifying grin.
"Now, if there are no further questions-" Themis began, only to be interrupted by Captain Black clearing his throat.
"Forgive me, your Honor, but I…" he began, only to trail off as he felt the full force of Themis's glare settling on him. With an audible gulp, he continued, "I do have one question. How is it that you're all here? The impression I had was that the gods and Titans were all…"
"Dead?" Themis said. "I suppose we are, in quite a few senses. But death is never so cut and dry, especially with the divine."
"Huh?" Captain Black said, prompting a sigh from Prometheus.
"Remember how I mentioned the Olympian powers absorbing the remnants of the other deities?" he asked. "This is the same thing. But while Zeus just got extra wind powers, Athena-"
"Made a little hidey-hole for her friends in the back of her head," Eris interrupted. "But it's a stopgap at best; I'm sure you've already started unraveling by now."
"Hence the need for urgency," Mnemosyne said, speaking for the first time. Her voice was a hissing whisper that carried throughout the massive room. She gestured to the hem of her rich sea-green robe, decorated with symbols of the mind and the arts. Indeed, it was already coming undone, its threads slowly coming loose and then disappearing into the air. "If my memory is to end, then it will end with justice finally being done."
"That said, I now officially call the court to order," Themis said, banging her gavel against the desk. "Divinity, your opening statement?"
"Oh, I'll give you some opening statements…" Eris mutered, slowly drawing herself up. However, she was interrupted by Kasahara laying a hand on her arm.
"Allow me, Lady Eris," Kasahara said, stepping forward and straightening his purple kimono. Looking Themis directly in what would be her eyes, he said, "Your Honor, lady of the jury, we of divinity contend that not only do the vast majority of mortals deserve to be wiped from existence, but also that their overall decline can be directly tied to the downfall of Olympus. Many of the worst atrocities in Earth's history came about following the gods' rule, even ignoring the brutal and pointless massacre that ended the age. Time and time again mortals have proven incapable of ruling themselves or of protecting the world from their petty desires and whims. The evidence will show that not only were mankind's greatest achievements brought about by the gods, but that the only acceptable solution is to wipe the slate clean and start once more. Thank you."
Eris actually applauded this statement. As Kasahara sat down, she whispered to him, "Well done."
"Thank you, Lady Eris," he said with a nod. "I have been an acting defendant more than once. However, I shall require you for evidence. You are one of the only witnesses we have, and your input will be invaluable."
"Count on it," Eris said, cracking her knuckles. "By the time we've laid out the case, they'll be begging us to wipe them out."
"Now, Humanity, your opening statement?" Themis said. Prometheus made to get up, only to be stopped by Captain Black.
"If you give our opening statement, then that plays right into their argument," he whispered. "Let me handle it." He got to his feet and stared Themis down.
"Your Honor, and lady of the jury," he said, blushing as Hestia made eye contact. "I intend to prove today that humanity's rebellion of the gods was not only justified, but the natural progression of things. Just as the Titans supplanted Ouranos and the gods replaced the Titans, humanity only took its place as the new ruling race. Furthermore, I shall prove that humanity's act was, in fact, a long time coming, and that the gods were by no accounts innocent. Like a rebellion rises against a dictator, so too did humanity rise against the gods. Thank you."
Prometheus and Jade applauded as Captain Black sat back down, the former whispering, "Good start. But it's what comes next that matters."
"Divinity!" Themis called. "You may make your first arguments!"
Eris bared her mismatched teeth. "Oh, it will be my pleasure…"
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"Jade! Hold on! I'll get you out of there!" shouted Jackie as he frantically tugged at the tapestry showing his niece. Unfortunately, his efforts were coming to naught, as the fabric refused to budge.
Tohru, meanwhile, was running his blowfish over the tapestry, frowning at the greenish-gray glow it was producing. "I've never seen a spell like this before," he said, almost to himself. "I wouldn't even know how to start undoing it. I suppose the best guess would be to depower sensei. With luck, his spells will be undone in the process."
"Not surprising," said Vanessa, currently leaning up against a nearby wall. Zhixin was standing next to her, studying some of the other tapestries. "If the old man's going whole hog on the weaving stuff, it makes sense that his spells would be tightly stitched."
"I'll say," Zhixin said. "I haven't seen spellwork this intricate since the Lotus Temple. It is honestly remarkable."
"What are you still doing here?!" Jackie snapped, turning to face the two thieves. "Just leave!"
"Well, we would, but our boss and associate are trapped there too," Vanessa said with a sneer. "And while this may surprise you, we actually would prefer having the both of them around."
"Ancient wisdom," Zhixin said with a nod. "The strength of the wolf is the pack."
"That's not ancient!" Jackie objected. "It's from The Jungle Book!"
"The book was written in 1894," Zhixin countered. "Seems fairly ancient to me."
"That may be the most pointless academic flaunting I have ever heard," Vanessa sighed. "Look, Chan, let's skip the trivia and cut to the chase; you need some extra muscle. We can't steal the power without Eris. And all of us want to get out of here. You see where I'm going with this?"
"Do you really expect us to trust you?" Tohru growled.
"No, but I expect you to give us some credit. We don't have a reason to turn on you until the old man's defeated or the boss gets back; trust in that," Vanessa said, rolling her eyes. However, as she did, her eyes focused on Jackie. "Oh, and to help your decision…"
Vanessa flung her whip. Jackie flinched, but it flew over his shoulder at an approaching cloth mummy, knocking it back. Jackie turned in shock to see an army of them pouring into the room, their images flowing onto the walls before they suddenly burst out. "Truce?" the thief said, bearing a Cheshire cat grin.
Jackie grit his teeth and nodded, tumbling to attack the advancing army. Tohru cleared the majority of them aside, barreling through them, leaving Zhixin, Jackie, and Vanessa to clean up the leftovers. Still, more kept pouring out.
"Forget them!" Tohru ordered. "We need to find sensei!"
"As much as I hate to agree with Tubby over here, he has a point," Vanessa grumbled. "So, has anyone got any ideas for getting there fast? I really don't want to deal with three more floors of this nonsense."
"Ancient wisdom," Zhixin said with a smirk. "Do not try to unravel the knot; simply cut it."
"Easier said than done," Tohru said. "Sensei's spells are woven all over this place. If we want to blast our way straight to the top-"
His speech was cut off by Zhixin blasting upward with both hands. The fabric tore open, hanging limply over them. Zhixin couldn't have looked more smug-for all of five seconds. After that, the multitude of spiders poured in.
"Wonderful," Jackie groaned as the knitted creatures, each one the size of a small dog, descended into the room. "More things to try to kill us."
"Seriously, Zhixin, what the heck? You saw Kasahara try that already!" Vanessa snapped.
"How was I supposed to know that every crevice in this place would be full of spiders?!" Zhixin snapped back as he proceeded to blast the creatures one after another. The spiders let out tiny shrieks as they were disintegrated. But for each spider destroyed, three more came to take its place.
"You know, that's a good point. It's not like we're dealing with the goddess who created the things!" Vanessa growled, quickly teleporting around the room to avoid the descending swarm. "Oi, big guy, any ideas?"
The only answer she got was the sound of Tohru's clattering teeth; the massive man was paralyzed at the sight of the army of spiders descending from the ceiling.
"Of course," Vanessa sighed, before turning to Jackie. "What about you, Chan?"
"I think it's clear that Uncle doesn't like cheating," Jackie replied. He was trying with all of his might to push Tohru along, but the massive man wouldn't budge easily. It was like moving an elephant. "We just need to power through these next few floors and hope the others can last that long."
"Ugh, fine," Vanessa groaned, staring at the exit before joining Jackie in pushing Tohru. She cast Zhixin an impatient look, and he joined them. "After that plane ride, I think the boss can deal with a little magical confinement."
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"I call Prometheus to the stand!" Eris declared.
Themis nodded and, in a flash of light, Prometheus was sitting in the box next to her. Rather than look surprised, he seemed fairly annoyed. "I know where this is going," he muttered, rolling his eyes.
"Yes, yes," Eris snapped. "You predict things. But I think we can agree that your memory is selective at best! Now, do you swear on the River Styx to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"
"I swear that I shall as long as I sit within this box," Prometheus replied with a smirk.
Eris rolled her eyes at his loophole. "Mnemosyne," she asked, "how do I show the past?"
"Simply think it, and the tapestry will show you," Mnemosyne mumbled, constantly writing throughout.
Eris smiled as the tapestry depicting the gods' glory rewove itself. Now, it displayed a moving image of Prometheus in nothing but a loincloth, his hair dark and full, his body in its prime, and his abdomen uninjured. The real Prometheus sighed with pleasure at his old, handsome self, as Eris began her argument.
"You were once a trusted advisor to the Titans, correct?" Eris asked the real Prometheus, a wicked smile growing...on her belly.
"Yes, I was," Prometheus said with a sigh. "I advised the Titans on how best to conduct the war against the Olympians. When they started ignoring me, I jumped ship hoping for a little more appreciation."
"Hah! A likely...no, wait, yeah, that's what I was going for," Eris said, rapidly losing steam.
"I can't deceive the judge, but I can take all the fun out of this for you," Prometheus said smugly.
"Very well, then," she said. "I'll skip ahead. After the war, Zeus entrusted you and your brother, Epimetheus, to recreate life on Earth, using a big bag of gifts. Can you explain what happened next?"
The tapestry shifted to show the ancient Prometheus, as well as a near-identical Titan crafting creatures from out of clay. The unfamiliar Titan, who was slightly less muscular, and lacked the cunning glint in his eyes, held a big bag over his shoulder and was throwing together what looked like a menagerie of serviceable creations. Prometheus, meanwhile, was carefully crafting a human from the clay, his work of distinctly higher quality.
"Epimetheus worked quickly and sloppily," Prometheus sneered. "He slapped together various creatures and handed out gifts like they were going out of style. I worked hard on a single creation in the shape of the gods. Unfortunately, Epimetheus had given away all the gifts before I was done. My poor creation had no way to survive."
"So what did you do next?" Eris demanded.
"I went to Zeus and asked for permission to grant my creation the use of fire so that they could actually survive. I pointed out that none of Epimetheus's creations could properly comprehend and worship as these beings could, and that their survival would be bountiful for the gods. Zeus acquiesced, but only in the most basic of sense; they received the practical use of fire, but not the divine inspiration that I was hoping for," Prometheus said calmly.
"And from then on, your name became synonymous with trickery and deceit!" Eris snapped. The mouth on her belly was moving around, now on her back, and it licked her shoulders.
"Objection!" Captain Black shouted, standing up. "Divinity has not provided sufficient evidence to support that claim!"
"Sustained," Themis said calmly. "Any accusations of that nature must wait until the evidence has been properly presented in court. That said, if you have said evidence, you may present it now."
"You better believe I'll present it!" Eris growled. The tapestry shifted again, showing Prometheus before Zeus with two plates-one holding a grotesque stomach, the other a shiny pile of animal fat.
"You tricked Zeus into allowing humans the best part of the animals for themselves, leaving only bones and entrails for us! Is that not so?"
"Yes, it is," Prometheus said. "I was frustrated with Zeus hampering my creation and wanted to get back at him. Didn't think he'd take away their fire altogether for the insult, but that just made me more certain of my next move."
"Your next move being the theft of flame from the Sacred Hearth, I presume?" Eris asked snidely. As she spoke, the tapestry was altered again, displaying Prometheus huddled in a cloak sneaking down the side of Mount Olympus, a brightly glowing stalk of fennel held in his hand.
"Yes indeed," Prometheus replied, simply. "I was doing what I thought necessary to preserve my creation. And if that meant betraying the gods, then so be it."
"As I said, synonymous with treachery and deceit," Eris said triumphantly. "And do you claim that this was an act of pure selflessness?"
"No, I do not," Prometheus said calmly.
"Okay, seriously? You're not even going to try to get out of the box?" Eris muttered disappointedly.
"I'm not a fool, Eris, and neither are you," Prometheus said. "This case is more important than maintaining our dignity or our illusions. Yes, I did it selfishly; I saw humanity as a representation of myself, and I wanted them to exceed the gods. I thought that if they became superior, then it would mean that I was superior. My reasoning was selfish, duplicitous, and built on the same disdain for humanity that I accused the gods of possessing. But I still stand by my actions; from my place of hypocrisy, humans have risen to heights beyond what I could have imagined."
As he spoke, the other tapestry also began reweaving itself. Its image shifted, and displayed humans building cities, inventing tools, and perfecting agriculture.
"My darker intentions do not negate humanity's brightest achievements," Prometheus continued, getting to his feet. "In fact, they only serve to undermine your case. After all, I am divine. My more insidious actions only serve to show how bad the gods and Titans could be, even when trying to 'help' the mortals."
"But can you honestly say that humans would have gotten anywhere close to where they are now without your intervention?" Eris asked, her mouth settling back on her face with a satisfied grin.
"...No, I cannot," Prometheus replied, sighing.
"No further questions, Your Honor," Eris said cheerily, turning away from the stand.
"Humanity, any questions for the witness?" Themis asked. Captain Black looked at Prometheus, watching as he subtly shook his head.
"No questions, Your Honor," Captain Black said. Themis nodded, then gestured to Humanity's side of the courtroom, whereupon Prometheus reappeared there in a flash of light.
"So, was that good or bad for us?" Jade whispered as the Titan settled back into his seat.
"Could go either way," Prometheus replied. "I'm sure being honest won us some points with Hestia, but Eris definitely landed a solid blow with that last question."
"Do you think we should put Eris on the stand?" Captain Back asked.
"Not yet," Prometheus said. "We can trust her to be honest, but we don't have a strong enough foundation to risk using her now. We need to set up the groundwork first."
"Humanity!" Themis called, interrupting the group's discussion. "Present your first argument!"
"We call Kuniko Kasahara to the stand!" Jade announced. In a flash of light, Kasahara disappeared from his seat and reappeared next to Themis.
"Jade, what are you doing?" Captain Black hissed as Kasahara, mildly surprised but still collected, was sworn in.
"Don't worry," she answered. "I've got an idea." With that, Jade confidently strode up to the witness stand. "Mr. Kasahara," she began, "are you fully aware of Eris's plans for the world?"
"Yes," the thief said with a nod. "Lady Eris plans to use the powers of the Olympian gods to wipe the planet clean of humanity, thus allowing her to start again and avoid the mistakes that led to the downfall of the gods."
"I see," Jade said, smirking. "Although I have to say, I'm surprised you don't find that concerning. You're human, aren't'cha?"
"Much altered by magic, but yes," Kasahara stated. "And if you are trying to sow doubt in my mind, I'd suggest you stop now. My will is unbendable."
"Maybe, or maybe you're just scared it'll actually work," Jade replied. "After all, the gods don't have a very good track record of looking out for their followers. What makes you think you can trust someone who is literally the embodiment of chaos? She says she'll reward you, but how do you know?"
"Trust," Kasahara said calmly. "Professional loyalty. And honor. You are right; there is no guarantee of Lady Eris's intentions. For all I and my compatriots know, she plans to end us along with the rest of humanity."
"Hey! Watch your-" Eris began to say before Kasahara cut her off.
"HOWEVER," he went on, "we follow her anyway, and we will continue to do so. My...associate Zhixin would probably say some obtuse spin on 'There's no honor among thieves', but for people like us, there is honor, and there is trust. Perhaps simply trust that we will not be betrayed until it makes sense, but it is still trust. Besides, I would rather work for Lady Eris and risk betrayal than turn on her and ensure it."
"...Um, you sure, dude?" Jade asked, her poise thrown off by Kasahara's speech. "Because that sounds kinda...well, stupid."
"That's because it is," said Eris, who was drumming her fingers on the table. "I mean, I'm thankful and all, but you really don't have any guarantees. Who's to say I'm not just biding my time until you stop being useful?"
"That is a choice that you have to make," Kasahara said calmly. "It is not my place to judge."
Eris groaned. "Why do you have to be so earnest about it?" she muttered. "Really kills my motivation." Out loud she said, "Alright, here's my decision. I, Eris, do of my own volition swear on the River Styx that should my plan succeed, not only will I spare Zhixin, Vanessa Barone, and Kuniko Kasahara from the destruction of humanity, but I will also elevate them to divine status." Her words were marked by a thunderclap and a sudden drenching of her hair with murky black water.
"...Okay, didn't see that one coming," Prometheus said, his mouth hanging open.
"Well, duh," Eris snapped. "You can never predict anything I do!" With that, she switched her hands and feet and did cartwheels around the courtroom.
Jade was equally shocked, but quickly regained her composure. "I see. In that case, let's move on to another subject." The tapestry shifted, displaying a fresco of thirteen men at a table. "You, shall we say, dabble in the art world, right?"
Kasahara snorted. "If you mean 'was I an art thief?', then yes."
"Right. Can you tell me what this is?" Jade asked, pointing to the tapestry.
"That's The Last Supper, by Da Vinci."
"Good," Jade said as the image switched to a handsome, naked sculpture. "And this one?"
"Michelangelo's David."
The scene altered again, showing a three-part, very detailed painting of a garden. "And this?"
"The Garden of Earthly Delights, by Heironymous Bosch," Kasahara pointed out. "Will you get to the point already?"
"What do all of these have in common?" Jade demanded.
"They're all Western artworks?" Kasahara replied, sounding unsure.
"No," Jade told him. "They were all created during the Renaissance."
The tapestry was altered yet again, showing a bright, bustling Italian city.
"Mr. Kasahara, do you know what 'renaissance' means?"
"It is French for 'rebirth'," Kasahara sneered. "What is your point?"
"Yes, I was wondering that, myself," Themis said, flaring her nostrils. "Please, get to it."
"My point is that it was, like, one of the proudest times in human history!" Behind Jade, the tapestry flashed with images. "People learned to read again! They embraced the arts and sciences again! People crawled out of the mud and worked together to make the whole world a better place! Isn't all of that true?"
Kasahara glared back, but still answered, "I suppose so, yes."
"And do you agree that mankind has progressed significantly since then?"
"Yes."
"So, to restate," Jade said with a smirk, "humanity has been making progress for hundreds of years-arguably much more progress than the gods ever made!"
"Objection!" Eris roared. "That is pure speculation!"
"Sustained," Themis said, slamming down her mallet. Mnemosyne crossed out a few lines on her scroll.
"Okay, okay," Jade said, backing up. "But there's no denying that humanity has accomplished a lot since we got rid of the gods. And, considering how much they progressed before destroying the gods, without them holding us back with random acts of cruelty, then I think you gotta conclude that humanity's better off without 'em! Isn't that right, Kasahara?"
"...I cannot argue with the logic in that argument," Kasahara said through gritted teeth.
Jade smirked. "No further questions, Your Honor," she said as she walked back to her side and exchanged high fives with Captain Black.
"Divinity, you may now cross-examine the witness," Themis pointed out.
Eris rolled her eyes-out of her head, then back in-and stepped forward.
"My apologies, Lady Eris," Kasahara whispered. "I was bound by my vow."
"Not a problem," Eris hissed with a smirk. "I've got this." She spoke louder, addressing the room. "Mr. Kasahara, has humanity achieved world peace?"
Kasahara snorted. "Not unless it has happened in the last ten minutes."
"So we can assume not."
"Objection!" Jade shouted, jumping out of her seat. "Speculation!" Seeing the looks on everyone's faces, Jade frowned and pointed to Eris. "What? It worked for her!"
"Overruled!" Themis barked. "Return to your seat!" As Eris sneered, Themis then turned her attention towards her. "However, it will be advised that both sides consult our stenographer in the future in order to receive the most accurate possible information. Is that understood?"
"Fine, fine," Eris muttered sulkily. "Can't even make a joke around here without someone flipping out...Okay, for the sake of authenticity, let's ask her. Have the humans achieved world peace since we've been in here?" she asked, turning to the Titaness of Memory.
"They have not," said Mnemosyne quietly.
"Okay then. So there's still war going on." She turned back to her witness. "Mr. Kasahara, are people still dying of starvation when food is readily available?"
"They are." Kasahara started to smile.
"And do they die of lack of proper medical treatment when it could be obtained, had they simply had more money?"
"Certainly." Kasahara's grin grew broader.
"And, as you yourself are a self-described thief, I can assume that theft is still common?"
"Yes, very much."
Eris crossed her arms under a smug grin. "Then it seems to me that humanity has not improved nearly as much as they claim. Their science has advanced, certainly. Their culture is broader, absolutely. And their technology is objectively better than ever. But at their core, humans are as rotten, greedy, and cruel as they've ever been, and no amount of fancy toys or pretty pictures will change that. Ergo, the little girl's argument is rendered moot. Humanity has not progressed in the least. In fact, they have arguably grown worse, as I plan to show with the following evidence," Eris said, forestalling a statement from Prometheus.
"Provided that the evidence is sufficient, the court will allow that statement to stand," Themis said. "Now begin your presentation."
"With pleasure," Eris replied, rubbing her hands together as the tapestries started to glow. "Now, pardon any mistakes on my part; I've been stuck in an urn for several hundred years, so I'm not quite up to speed on current events. But I did a little research on that cramped metal tube, and I'm sure the witness can fill in the blanks. And if he can't, that's what we have magic screens for, right?"
"Oh come on! You seriously expect us to just accept a testimony like that?" Prometheus snorted.
"We shall allow it," Themis said, "provided that following the completion of the witness's testimony, any and all factual errors will be addressed by our stenographer and by Humanity's council to ensure that the court has all the correct information. Now, please begin."
"Ugh, fine," Eris groaned. "You want to use your precious time for that, be my guest. Anyway, let's start with Exhibit A: The Crusades…"
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In spite of the biting cloth spiders, the group made their way onward. Jackie and Vanessa were quick to climb through the hole from Zhixin's blast. Vanessa cast down her whip and hauled her companion through, and then sent it down for Tohru. With the trio's combined strength it was just barely enough to pull the big man through. If only the Talismans were still around...
"Halfway there," Jackie panted. "If we can just get Tohru to Uncle, we can steal the chi-o-matic and end this."
"Ancient wisdom," Zhixin sighed, holding his chest. "The wise deer is always wary of hunters."
Vanessa glared at him, holding up her rather large chin. "We know, old man! And we don't need to keep hearing your nonsensical koans! Now come on! We've got one floor to go and the booby traps are likely the worst yet!"
As the quartet dashed down the new hallway, this one decorated with grotesque images of a bronze shield embossed with a monstrous face, a subtle sound came to their ears. It was reminiscent of hissing, but seemed to have a more...metallic edge to it.
"Keep your guard up," Jackie told the rest of the group. "One of Athena's sacred animals was the snake."
"I thought the owl was her only symbol," Zhixin muttered.
"If so, then we've got this handled," Vanessa said confidently. "I've plundered Egyptian tombs and trudged through the Amazon. Any snake I meet will become a fashionable new belt."
The three approached a tarp at the end of the hall, one marked with a snake biting his tail.
"Ouroboros…" Jackie whispered.
"What does it mean?" Tohru queried, staring at the symbol.
"Ouroboros was the symbol of beginnings and endings," Jackie explained. "Life and death as one continuous circle...it's like Uncle is taunting us. Telling us that no matter how far we go, it will never be enough."
"So the old man has some snark," Vanessa said with a shrug. "I can respect that. Now let's go!"
With a sneer, she swept the tarp aside and marched in, leaving the rest to follow her. Upon entry, the group was greeted by another troop of cloth mummies wielding a variety of weapons.
"Oh, more of these fools?" she snapped, before launching at them, jabbing the first in the face with one of her high heels. She bounced off, knocking it over, then snapped her whip and wrapped it around a second soldier, then sent it spinning into a third. Following her lead, Tohru stampeded through the squadron, knocking them aside, their weapons falling to the floor. Jackie took the opportunity to grab a couple of shields and leap into the fray, ramming mummies on all sides.
The remaining mummies readied their weapons as the fallen ones seized theirs and struggled to their feet. One with a large battle-ax came at Tohru, but the big man caught the mummy and tossed it back into the crowd, but as he did, the soldiers swarmed around him, seizing him from all sides and throwing him over a group of mummies holding up spears. Tohru screamed at his oncoming impalement, before being suddenly shot off-course. Zhixin smirked and blew the smoke off of his palm, then rejoined the fight, but the mummies were regaining strength.
"Let me take care of this," Zhixin said, holding up both hands, both now engulfed in a green light. To his shock, Jackie tackled him aside and knocked him to the (thankfully soft) floor.
"You can't kill them!" Jackie warned. "They're just tourists!"
"Those sentences contradict each other," Zhixin huffed, but Jackie continued glaring at him. "Fine, then what do you recommend?"
Rather than answer, Jackie leapt back into the fight, grabbing on to the end of Vanessa's whip and moving to the opposite side of the room. He ran forward, urging her to do the same, and knocked the whole squadron off their feet once more. Still, the mummies continued to rise, and one of them used its broadsword to slice the whip in two.
"Do you have any idea how much that cost?!" Vanessa demanded, smashing her foot into the slave's mummified face.
"There has to be a way to stop them!" Jackie panicked. As Zhixin started to smirk, Jackie immediately added, "Non-lethally!"
"I might be able to adapt a spell," Tohru announced. He hadn't moved since his fall, his huge size taking up nearly a quarter of the room just sitting there in the corner, his spell kit open. "But I will need time-and it may cost us in the long run."
"There won't be a long run if we don't get through!" Vanessa snapped. "Just do it!"
The three took a new, defensive formation in front of Tohru as he worked, with Vanessa snapping what was left of her whip to disarm the troops, and Jackie and Zhixin each holding a shield to protect her. Moment by moment they inched closer as Tohru whipped together a mixture of duck feet, moray eel teeth, monkfish eggs, horse saliva, squid ink, and olive oil.
"Hurry up, Plus-Size!" Vanessa snapped. The mummy army now had them totally cornered, weapons of all sorts ready to skewer, pummel, and/or slice them to bits. "Just because there's more of you to stab doesn't mean we can wait!"
Tohru growled and whipped out a sheet of parchment and a paintbrush, then painted a character using his concoction and softly chanted.
"Echthroí, akinitopoiíste! Echthroí, akinitopoiíste! Echthroí, akinitopoiíste…"
The scroll began to glow bright green, and Tohru used one hand to brush his three comrades behind him, the other brandishing the scroll in the bandage-covered faces of the oncoming mummies.
"Immobilizer scroll!" he shouted, clenching his other hand into a tight fist. There was a bright flash of green light as the spell activated, blinding the others and burning away the scroll itself.
Cautiously, the others poked their heads out from behind the enormous chi wizard, before breathing a sigh of relief. The mummies had frozen in their tracks.
"Tohru," Jackie gasped, "did you just duplicate one of Lo Pei's scroll spells-and mix it with Greek magic!?"
"Sort of," Tohru sighed. "It still burned out after one use, and I doubt it will last as long as it should."
"Take it from me, Plus-Size," Vanessa said, clapping Tohru on the shoulder. "As someone who did a lot of training to get to where she is today, any progress is progress well made."
"...Why are you giving me compliments?" Tohru asked, slightly bewildered.
"Because I just love the expression on the old weasel's face," she chuckled. Indeed, Zhixin had not only turned an impressive shade of red from envy, but the grinding of his teeth was audible clear across the room. She knelt down and took a lightweight longsword, comparing it to her whip before casting the latter aside. "Besides, you're our last hope of draining the old man's powers, and I don't want you crying on me."
"Well, I am afraid there is also bad news," Tohru said, sweating as he laced his fingers. "You see...I used up all of our olive oil on that spell."
"You used all of it on one spell?!" Jackie gasped. "You had a whole bottle!"
"It spilled!" Tohru cried, putting a hand to his forehead. "You try mixing up a new spell that quickly, especially when you also have to adapt it! I told you that it may cost us in the long run! Now I may not be able to cast the exorcism spell, even with the chi-o-matic!"
"Well, there's no turning back now, Tiny!" Vanessa snapped. "You'll have to whip something up on the way!"
As she spoke, the metallic hissing from before started up again, even louder now. It was clear to them that the sound was coming from above, just up the staircase.
"I do not like the sound of that," Tohru said, a shiver running down his spine.
"Ancient wisdom," Zhixin agreed. "There is no greater barrier than fear."
"Good," Vanessa said, shoving him forward. "Then you won't mind taking point."
The old monk gulped and glared at Vanessa, but took the lead in marching up the long, winding staircase, holding his shield out in front of him. The mummies were already beginning to stir as they left, and the group wasted no time in charging upward.
After about a minute of running, they came to another heavy tarp, marked with an image of a shield embossed a with grotesque boar-like face, a nest of vipers serving as its hair. The hissing was louder than ever, despite the thick cloth that served as the walls.
"Well, this isn't ominous at all," Vanessa snarked.
"Ancient wisdom; to fear one's fate is to suffer it twice," Zhixin said calmly, prompting a glare from the relic hunter.
"In that case, I'm sure you'll have no problem taking the lead on this one," she replied. Zhixin just gave a sardonic smirk and nodded, stepping up to the door. One hand charged and glowing, Zhixin ripped the tarp aside and stepped through. As the tarp settled back over the door, there was a moment of utter silence before the air was pierced by a high, girlish scream, one that abruptly stopped. A few moments later, Zhixin toppled out of the room, his body stiff and ashen grey, and his face frozen in a picture of unmatched fear.
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PA2: And commercial break!
MP: That's the dream: Corporate sponsors.
PA2: Well, we may not have those, but we do have the next-best thing: Bonus content!
MP: We figured some chapters would end up shorter than others, and prepared ahead of time with some fun filler. So, you lucky readers, enjoy your first original myth!
PA2: Or don't! It's optional! (But please do!)
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The First Heartbreak of Hephaestus
In his youth, when he was being raised and nursed by the kindly Nereid Themis, She of the Silver Feet, the god of craftsmen Hephaestus was not quite so sullen and isolated. He would sometimes take leisurely walks across the land, limping from his forever-broken leg as he took in the wonders of the world around him.
During one of the these strolls, Hephaestus was making his way through a forest when he came upon a tree with the most unusual fruit. It hung low, beckoning him to pluck it. He took one, admiring its papery white skin before taking a bite. Its sweet, mild juice dripped down his throat, and he eagerly devoured the treat before reaching for another. He ate that one, too, and another after that. Soon half the tree was empty.
"Who are you to take my fruit?" demanded a nearby voice. A nymph emerged from the bushes, and Hephaestus took in her beauty. Her skin was milky white, and her hair shimmered just like the fruit's papery skin. But she glared at him with fury in her yellowy eyes.
Hephaestus could have told her that he was a great and powerful god who would one day take his rightful place on the Olympian Council, but, as he would claim when he told his story, he did not wish for his mother Hera to yet know of his existence. The truth was much simpler: he was tongue-tied by the nymph's beauty.
"Answer me, vagrant!" the nymph ordered, glaring at the cripple before her.
"I-I am but a wanderer," Hephaestus finally managed to mumble, staring at the ground as he did. "My name is Hephaestus. Please forgive me. Your fruit was just so delicious."
The nymph's anger abated, but still she kept a cruel glare on the traveler as he continued to speak. He was an ugly soul, his arms much too long and his legs much too short, with one shoulder much higher than the other. His face looked like it had been pounded in, and his too-big nose pressed upward, exposing his hairy nostrils. Most of his face was dominated by a thick black beard that could never be untangled.
"Please, this fruit is beyond compare, as is your beauty! Be my wife, and I promise you will not regret it!"
The dryad laughed in his face, a cruel, mocking tone that the god would never forget. "Marry you?" she cackled. "Never in my most ferocious of nightmares would I be the bride of such a disgusting creature as yourself! Begone from my sight, you wretch, and never again soil my fruit with your grasping hands!"
Hephaestus burst into tears, which dripped down and stung his face. Turning away from the cruel nymph, he still refused to speak of his true identity. But he would not go quietly. The god of craftsmen walked over to the tree and, ignoring the nymph's protests, seized it by the trunk and, with his godly strength, shoved it deep into the ground, burying the fruit where he would never have to look at it, crying all the while. His tears soaked the ground and tainted the fruit, turning their sweet, mild juice as sharp and painful as his tears. With that, Hephaestus took his leave, refusing to turn back to the enraged nymph.
That nymph's name was Onion, and now her fruit brings tears to everyone, just as she did to Hephaestus.
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PA2: Aw, doesn't that just warm your heart? No one died for once!
MP: They were just banished beneath the earth where only their hair can poke out!
PA2: Hey, she was already a plant, so that's still a pretty good fate for spurning a god.
MP: You and I need to have a serious talk about vocal tone. I was clearly cheerful. Anyway, that's all for now, but we're hard at work. Of course, faves, follows, and reviews may motivate us to go faster.
PA2: And, in the meantime, feel free to check out our other fics. We've gotten good reviews for our Miraculous Ladybug stories. And, of course, give some attention to our good friend Green Phantom Queen. But for now-
MP: So long, farewell, auf wiedersehn, goodbye!