MP: Do not attempt to adjust your device. We have seized control from within. Don't try to disprove it, just trust us. For the rest of this chapter, we will control all that you read.
PA2: And while we have your attention, welcome back to Jackie Chan Adventures: Olympian Journey! Now, this would normally be the part where we go into a rambling comedic spiel (and possibly more Outer Limits references), but we've been waiting to share this chapter for a while, so we'd rather just get right into it.
MP: You say that every time! I wanna clown around!
PA2: Well excuse me for wanting to focus on the content people actually pay for!
MP: ...I can think of at least two things wrong with what you just said.
PA2: Then I'm doing pretty well for myself. However, on a more serious note, I want to make a shout out to our mutual friend and co-writer Green Phantom Queen, whose country of Myanmar is currently in the midst of a military coup. She's a good friend and a good writer, and we hope she gets through this okay.
MP: We send her our love. Also, big thanks to our friend Jose for the lovely art of Eris, now the story's icon! We now return to our regularly scheduled fanfiction.
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Jackie Chan Adventures: Olympian Journey
Chapter 12: Fortress of Brawlitude
Jade stared in horrified fascination as she watched Eris embrace the armored man. Tears dripped from the Goddess of Discord's eyes onto the man's shoulders as he gently stroked her tangled rainbow of hair.
"How did this happen?" Eris asked, breaking free of the man's grip to look him in his intense, burning eyes.
"Don't know," the man replied with a cocky smile. "Don't care, either. All that matters is that it did. Good to see a friendly face when it happened. How did you escape the urn?"
"Long story," Eris sighed, waving her hand. "I know you hate those, especially when there's not much bloodshed. But I would like to introduce you to the meddling mortals who've been holding me back. In fact," she said, turning and pointing to Jade, "there's one now!"
Ares looked Jade over and chuckled. "This chit of a thing? I admit, she has a strong spirit, but she'd hardly be a match for you, even when you're in such dire straits."
"Don't underestimate her," Eris warned, wagging a finger. "She's resourceful, determined, and nearly as chaotic as I am. Plus, she's never alone."
"Yes, I can tell," Ares replied, nodding. "I can see the signs on her muscles; she's been trained, and quite efficiently too. Add to that the faint aura of magic lingering around her, and the picture becomes clear. You've got an elite strike team after you, with both magical and martial force at their command. Most impressive."
Jade, her feet glued to her spot on the deck by the God of War's intense gaze, nevertheless stared right back. "Stay back!" she warned, her voice wavering only slightly. "I gotta warn ya, I'm schooled in the ancient art of butt-whoop!"
Ares laughed, a barking sound as loud as cannon fire. "Who do you think you're fooling, child? I am the god of the battlefield; I've seen every face men wear to hide the fear in their heart. You may demonstrate a silver tongue, but your heart is of a far baser substance. I'm surprised you're still standing; you must be too frightened even to fall."
Jade clenched her fists. Her fingernails were stabbing into her palms. "Better enjoy the time you got," she warned the God of War. "When Uncle Jackie gets here, he's gonna mess you up!"
Eris burst out laughing, doubling over as her weird wheezy squeal filled the air. "I'm afraid your uncle has his hands full with my newest pet project," she chortled. "See for yourself."
With some effort, Jade turned her head to the shore, where she saw...something. It was too bizarre to describe, and too far away to see properly, but one feature was clear: a wild mane of red hair. "Is that...Hak Foo?!" she shouted, eyes going wide.
"The one and only!" Eris replied, clapping her hands. "And isn't he a beaut! So much better looking than he used to be, let me tell you what! Although I'm starting to have second thoughts on the hands…or lack thereof. Eh, I'll mix and match later!"
"What's Hak Foo doing working for you?" Jade demanded. "He went legit over a year ago!"
"Oh, well that's a funny story! See, it all started about a few weeks ago," Eris said, trailing off with a dreamy look on her face as she lost herself in memories...
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Two weeks earlier...
Eris paced before her henchmen, casting stern looks over all of them. The Agents of Chaos exchanged glances between each other, frowning in displeasure. Eris had been sullen for ages after their past failure, and had locked herself in her chambers for days afterward. For all her talk about individual failures not mattering, being down four powers was clearly taking a toll on her. She hadn't raged...much...but quite frankly, the quiet was almost more terrifying.
Now, though, it appeared that she had finally found something constructive to do with her time, and had stepped out into the main work area of the abandoned jeans factory, which was more littered with cheesy souvenir-style junk than ever. While their power stealing missions were failing, their art fencing was actually turning out rather successfully...even if most of the funds went straight into redecorating the lair.
"It has become abundantly clear to me that all of us, particularly you, require extra practice in all forms of combat," the goddess said, glaring down at them from elevated legs.
"With all due respect, Lady Eris," Kasahara replied with a bow. "we were not expecting the old man to have a magical suit of armor. Our next mission will-"
"You're representatives of the Goddess of Discord!" Eris screamed. "You should expect absolutely everything!" Eris glared, but took a deep breath. "Let me try something else. Zhixin, finish my sentence: When life gives you lemons…?"
"Ancient wisdom," the old monk wheezed. "The thirsty camel does not ignore the oasis. Therefore, I say 'make lemonade'."
Eris chuckled at this, walking up and stroking Zhixin's chin. "Very cute," she chuckled. "But wrong!" she added, kicking him in the chest. The monk fell backwards onto an inflatable gummy bear, gasping in pain. "Kasahara, your turn: When life gives you lemons…?"
"Squeeze them into the eyes of your enemies!" Kasahara sneered, transforming his arms into paper scimitars. He swung them forward, just to show off, but Eris dodged them and slapped him in the forehead, sending him toppling.
"Better, but still wrong!" the goddess cried. She turned to Vanessa, smiling sweetly. "Vanessa, dear," she said, "you're the smartest of this bunch. When life gives you lemons…?"
"Er…" Vanessa said, tapping her large chin as she stalled for time. Her eyes darted around, hoping to find some inspiration. "Plant a lemon tree?"
Eris threw a punch, but Vanessa teleported away. In spite of that, Eris anticipated where Vanessa would reappear (behind a sno-cone machine) and rolled the machine over on the mercenary. Vanessa grunted in pain and struggled to her feet. "Well, what is it, then?" she demanded.
Eris took another deep breath and clenched her fist. "It's simple, really," she sneered, staring at her henchmen one by one. "You serve chaos itself. So, when life gives you lemons, you make fig wine and leave life wondering how you did it!"
"And how, exactly, do we do that?" Vanessa demanded as she and the others got to their feet. She inspected her boot and started rubbing her coat sleeve over a scuff. "We can't all rewrite reality to suit our whims."
"Thinking like that is part of the problem!" Eris answered with a girlish giggle. "You all knew I wanted something unexpected with the answer, but you got too wrapped up in the question to make it there! Don't just subvert expectations; ignore them completely!"
"Ancient wisdom," Zhixin muttered. "Once cast, the clay is not easily reshaped. We are all trained fighters. Reworking our tactics like that will take some doing."
Eris groaned. "Ugh, you mortals and your stupid obsession with patterns. Look, let's start with something simple; misdirection. Let them think you have a plan, and subvert it. Or make them think there isn't a plan, and then shock them! Like so!"
Eris leapt into the air and flipped onto her hands, moving forward toward Kasahara. He braced himself, transforming into a paper gorilla, but at the last second his boss changed course and launched herself at Vanessa, locking her into a strangle hold. From there she flicked the mercenary into Zhixin, who let loose a blast to defend himself, accidentally striking Kasahara.
"See? I didn't even plan that last part! Now come on, let's see your best shot!" she shouted, her nails growing into talons.
"Should we tell her that we're not exactly fighting prime at the moment?" Zhixin whispered to Vanessa as the two pulled themselves up.
"You want to tell her where we were last night? Be my guest," Vanessa replied, reaching for her whip. "I swear, that is the last time I go drinking with you two."
The three fighters all took their positions, about to pounce at the goddess, when the door flew open. "Angry crow takes flight!" a hoarse yet confident voice roared. A blur of orange and blue flew at the Agents of Chaos, sending them flying. The henchmen popped back up, staring in disbelief. Before them was a very tall, muscular man with a wild mane of red hair and a matching fu manchu mustache, dressed in a blue muscle shirt and jeans. A Scottish sporran was wrapped around his waist.
"Hak Foo?!" Zhixin gaped, charging up four energy blasts. "What are you doing here?"
"How did you find this place?" Kasahara added, folding himself into his paper samurai form.
"And why should I care?" Eris finished, her hair shaping itself into a question mark as she turned to Vanessa, who was picking herself up for the third time that day. "Seriously, who is this guy? Some new Chan lackey?"
Hak Foo's eye twitched at this, and he rushed the group. "Tiger swipes claws!" he screamed, raking his open hands across Kasahara, sending the thief back. Zhixin fired his blast, but Hak Foo curled into a ball and rolled underneath them with a cry of "Pillbug flees from lizard!"
"I almost wish," Vanessa groaned, seeing her associates attempt to chase down their new foe. "His name is Hak Foo; he's a deranged martial artist and mercenary."
"Really…" Eris said, raising an eyebrow. "Tell me more…"
Back at the fight, Hak Foo burst into the air, popping open like a jack-in-the-box. "Flying squirrel drop!" he said, landing on Zhixin's back and wrapping around him. "Anaconda crushes deer!" Zhixin gasped for breath, firing at random around the room and blasting apart several of Eris's knick-knacks. Hak Foo maintained his hold though, even constricting tighter. Sighing in frustration, Vanessa stepped away from Eris and vanished in a quick blip. The relic hunter reappeared directly above him, and quickly planted one of her heels into his shoulder. Hak Foo grunted in pain, but dropped off of Zhixin and faced her.
"As annoying as they are, I'm going to have to ask you to leave my comrades alone," Vanessa said, brandishing her whip. "What are you even doing here, anyway? After that nonsense with the dragons a year ago, you dropped off the face of the earth. Most of the guild thought you were dead."
"You people have a guild?" Zhixin asked groggily.
Hak Foo smirked and ripped the Armbands of Shiva off of the monk, slapping them onto his own wrists. Zhixin's extra appendages disappeared, and Hak Foo sprouted another set of muscled arms. "Tarantula seizes rat!" he screamed, launching at Vanessa.
"Be careful; cornered rats bite back!" she replied, grinning. She teleported behind him just in time and snapped her whip, but Hak Foo's reaction time was extraordinary. He turned around and caught the weapon in his two right hands.
"Mongoose catches cobra!" he shouted, prompting another groan from Vanessa.
"Must you announce every single move you make?" she asked. "This is why you've never been invited to the gala."
"You have a gala, too? How organized are you mercenaries?!" Zhixin snapped. "And why was I never invited?"
"So incredibly not the time, monk," Vanessa sighed, letting go of her whip. Before Hak Foo could do more than blink, she teleported above him again, aiming another kick to his face. Hak Foo raised a set of arms to block, only for Vanessa to vanish again, reappearing behind him. Kasahara seized his chance, morphing into a giant crab and trying to seize Hak Foo's other arms, still holding Vanessa's whip.
While the martial artist was able to hold him off, dropping the relic hunter's weapon in the process, that left him no way to protect himself from Vanessa's set of rapid punches. The relic hunter landed several blows to his back, but Hak Foo barely flinched. "Scarab rolls its lunch!" he screamed, flipping Kasahara over his back. He seized the sides of the fold-up man and crumpled him up, rolling him into a wall, then turned to Vanessa. "Woodpecker barrage!" he roared as he aimed a flurry of punches at the mercenary. Vanessa went flying as well, crashing into the wall with a gasp of pain.
The Agents didn't stay down for long, though, all getting back up and throwing themselves at the intruder again. Hak Foo just smiled. "Elephant lifts its leg!" he bellowed, using one powerful kick to knock all three Agents of Chaos together and back to the ground.
"Impressive," Eris said her minions struggled to get back up. This whole time she'd been staring at Hak Foo with a massive grin on her face, watching the fight with a bag of potato chips. "Alright, hit the showers everybody!" she shouted, tossing the chips away and stepping over the downed bodies of her henchmen. "I'd like a turn to play."
Hak Foo grinned at the challenge and charged her, fists out. "Rampaging bull strike!" he cried, but Eris slipped away and seized the nearest object, a disco ball, and tossed it at him, crying "Olympian throws discus!" Hak Foo slapped it with his palm with a cry of "Bear swipes beehive", sending it crashing to the floor where it exploded into hundreds of mirrored shards. Eris seized a halogen lamp and flipped it on, reflecting the light off of the scattered shards, blinding the intruder ("City hall lights Christmas tree!") before throwing herself at him, slamming his kidneys with her fists.
"Mongoose dodges cobra!" Hak Foo roared as he twisted around Eris's fists, not showing a bit of weakness from her strike. He seized her around the shoulders and began to push her back. "Weasel flips turtle!" In seconds Eris had been flipped upside-down, her rainbow-colored hair flying everywhere, but she seized a set of devil sticks and drummed on Hak Foo's shins, yelling "Drummer begins obnoxious solo!" As soon as his grip loosened, she tossed the weapons aside and retreated back.
"Come on! Show me you can do more than take down the scrubs! They had hangovers, for crying out loud!" She turned to her henchmen for a second. "That's right, I know! And next time, you're taking me with you!"
"Great," Vanessa groaned. "Now we're going to have to deal with literal pub crawling."
"Or pub jumping!" Eris added cheerfully. "Can't let myself get too predictable!"
His face twisted with the frustration of being ignored, Hak Foo leapt atop on Eris's prized wrought-iron platypus with a cry of "Crane stands on mountaintop!" adjusting his stance as he did. He then leapt at her, screaming "Lioness pounces on wildebeest!" before twisting in midair, landing on his hands, and kicking out while shouting, "Kangaroo kick!"
Eris skidded back, laughing as she flexed her arms and gestured for more. Hak Foo smiled back as Eris ran for him, then kicked off the ground to avoid her charge. "Grasshopper leaps through meadow!" he screamed, before striking her in the back with his open palm. "Monkey opens coconut!" he roared, slamming her head into a wooden chair.
"She's really making us look bad, isn't she?" Kasahara asked, having folded himself back to normal.
"I'm not sober or drunk enough to deal with this right now," Vanessa groaned, before raising her voice. "Oi, boss! Finish him off, already! You can play more later!"
"Oh, fine!" Eris groaned. She elbowed Hak Foo in the stomach, forcing him to release her, and then grabbed him by his hair and threw him over her shoulder, smashing him to the ground. Hak Foo glared back, but didn't stay down long.
However, as he pulled himself to his feet again, he had a malicious grin on his face. Reaching into his sporran, he pulled out a strange blue box with yellow markings. "Otter cracks clam!" he said triumphantly, slamming the box down on the goddess's head.
There was a loud thud, and Eris stood in silence for a moment. Hak Foo stared at her, and as the seconds ticked by, his smug grin dropped into a confused frown.
"Uh, what is this supposed to do?" Eris asked, pointing to the box.
"It...it should hurt you…" Hak Foo stammered, lifting the box and shaking it in frustration. "The Pan'ku Box is forged of good magic! Bad magic cannot touch good!"
"Ah, there's your mistake," Eris said brightly, grabbing the Box from Hak Foo's stunned hand and tossing it up and down. Without warning, she shot out her hand and thrust the box into Hak Foo's crotch. The martial artist let out a squeak and crumpled before her, and she finished him with a dual-fisted slam to the head. "I'm not evil. Just divine."
As Eris continued examining the artifact, her minions walked over to the unconscious martial artist. "So...what do you want to do with him?" Vanessa asked, prodding him with her boot.
"Tie him up and put him in the corner until he wakes," Eris said absently, ripping out several strands of her hair and converting them into multicolored rope. "We need to figure out how he found us."
"And after that?" Zhixin replied, taking back the Armbands of Shiva and placing them on his wrists. "Ancient wisdom: Do not let the dog sleep among the hens."
"Are you kidding?" Eris gasped. "We can't just get rid of him! He seems so interesting!"
Vanessa gave Eris the side-eye. "Interesting? Eris, is there something you would like to tell us?" she muttered, only for Eris to get up close and stare her in the eye.
"Are you suggesting that I'm, how you say...'thirsty'?" the goddess hissed. Notably, she took a moment to run her hands through Hak Foo's mane before leaning back and addressing the room. "Hardly! Besides, he seems like he'd have his uses. Be honest with me...could you three have beaten him if you were in top shape?"
"...Possibly," Kasahara admitted, looking at his feet. "But it would still be an uphill battle. The man is...quite formidable."
"And quite crazy," Vanessa added, shaking her head. "I know that probably makes you more interested, but he could be dangerous. Besides, carrying around something like the Pan'ku Box? He wasn't just looking for a fight; he was looking to take you down. Permanently."
"And I want to know why," Eris said simply as she bent over and cradled Hak Foo's face. "Whatever his intentions were, he has information that we need to know. And afterwards?" Eris's smile turned into a grin. "Then one way or another, I'm going to have some fun with this one."
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Thirty minutes later...
"Agh!" Hak Foo snapped awake as he felt a bucket of icy water dumped over his head. Shaking the droplets out of his wild mane with a cry of "Polar bear dries fur!", he found himself tied to a chair shaped like a chess rook with what looked like multicolored bungee cords. Four figures were standing over him, three of them glaring, while one just looked annoyed.
"Seriously? Cold water? That's so boring!" Eris whined, folding her arms and pouting.
"If we went with your idea there wouldn't be anyone to interrogate," Vanessa snarked, dropping the bucket. "Normal people can't take acid baths!"
"It wouldn't be sulfuric! Maybe citric? Like I said, when life gives you lemons..."
"Look, he's awake. It's done," Vanessa replied. "You can do whatever you want with him after we get what we need. But until then, please behave."
"Fine, mom," Eris grumbled, staring at her feet. However, she perked up a few seconds later. "Okay, over it! Let's get to the fun part!"
Eris pulled out a medieval flail and her face cracked with an insane grin. Hak Foo gulped at the sight of this, then frantically turned to look to the side. What he saw there was hardly more reassuring.
"What are you doing here?" Kasahara demanded, brandishing a paper-bladed arm. "How did you find our base?"
Now slightly more frantic, Hak Foo turned to his other side, only to see Zhixin's four glowing palms aimed right at his face.
"How exactly did you get your hands on a relic like the Pan'ku Box?" the old monk asked, glaring at the mercenary. "You're hardly the sort to wield such power properly!"
"And why did you try to wield it against our boss?" Vanessa queried, her hand resting calmly on the handle of her whip.
Hak Foo stared Vanessa in the eyes, but despite the nervousness in his eyes, he remained tight-lipped. At Vanessa's nod, Eris slammed the handle of the flail into the intruder's stomach. He wheezed, but kept a stoic expression. Annoyed, Eris hit him again, but despite the bruising, Hak Foo wouldn't say a word.
"Mildly impressive," Vanessa said with a nod. "But unfortunately, not helpful. Shall we raise the pain? I might be persuaded to let you take a go with that acid."
"Nah, this is getting boring. Time to switch tactics," Eris said with a giggle as she dragged his chair to her chamber door. "Haven't used this trick in a while…"
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After five minutes of terrified screams that had Vanessa, Kasahara and Zhixin wonder just what the heck was going on, Eris emerged, now wearing a foam-rubber dolphin suit, while Hak Foo was dressed as a French maid. The intruder was drenched in sweat, quivering with fear as Eris cupped his face.
"What in the world did you do?!" Vanessa gasped, stepping back slightly at the sight of Hak Foo so subdued. On second thought, maybe it's better she didn't know what the Goddess of Chaos unleashed...
"Nothing I didn't do on my last five dates, and only three of them went into cardiac arrest!" the goddess laughed. She stroked Hak Foo's cheek with the back of her hand, giving an ugly smirk. "Of course, that was just the foreplay; the other two didn't survive when I really got going, so I think it'd be for the best if you start talking. Right, sweetie?"
"C-Canary sings symphony!" Hak Foo stammered, his composure completely shattered. "I'll tell you everything! Rumors have been flying of magical powers released into the world, and you four have been sighted near them! I located you using some underworld connections from my time in San Francisco; when the black market picks up, people take notice! And I kept the Box from my time working for the Dark Hand. A relic that burns demons on contact is too useful to throw away."
"And why, exactly, would you want to hurt little old me?" Eris asked, her eyes growing to fill her entire face as she batted her eyelids. The hairs were edged, and left little cuts on Hak Foo's cheeks.
"T-to prove myself the strongest!" Hak Foo gasped, wincing as the blood started to pour from his scratches. From a distance it almost looked like red tears. "Since my days in the Dark Hand I have always been beaten and mocked by those miserable Chans! I was once the greatest martial artist in the world; now I am a laughing stock and a minion! But with the power of a god, obtained by enslaving and using another god, that would all be a thing of the past! Money, power, respect! It would all be mine!"
"Huh, ambitious…I like that in a man!" Eris chortled. "Just one more question then...now that you've told us everything," she whispered, placing her mouth directly above his ear, "why on Earth should we keep you alive?" she finished, her tone full of quiet menace. However, the threat, rather than break the mercenary further, actually seemed to calm him down. He even started to chuckle, confusing Eris. "Huh...what's got you so cheerful?" she asked quietly. "Ten seconds ago I thought I would've had to use a defibrillator."
"Ten seconds ago you were the unpredictable monster who inflicted those...horrors upon me," Hak Foo said simply, starting to grin. "But now? You are not the first person to threaten me with death. But death is like an old friend! And like so many before you, I sense no trace of it in your words. I have been in this position before; if you wanted me dead, you wouldn't have bothered with all this fuss. You will not kill me, because you want me. Because I intrigue you. And most of all, because I am strong. And you need the strongest there is."
"...Good answer," Eris said, patting him on the cheek before straightening up. "But it's not just up to me anymore. These guys have too much of a stake for me to leave them out. So, what do you think?" she asked, bending her head back to stare at her henchmen.
"He's very capable," Kasahara said with a shrug. "I've heard of his references."
"As much as I hate to admit it, he did take the lot of us down. If you can keep him under control, he's a useful asset," Vanessa agreed.
"Ancient wisdom: The trained wolf is more useful than a thousand dogs," Zhixin said, retracting two of his arms and folding his main set.
"Well, that sounds unanimous to me!" Eris said gleefully, patting Hak Foo on the cheek. "Welcome to the team! But, strong as you are, I just can't have one of my Agents of Chaos going without magic," she said, putting a hand to her chin in thought. "Well, I have been thinking of a little project for a while…"
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"And then he was part of the team!" Eris concluded, clapping her hands.
Jade and Ares stared at her, twin looks of confusion on their faces. "You didn't tell me anything!" Jade objected. "You just stared off into space and said 'and then he was part of the team'!"
Eris clapped a hand to her cheek in embarrassment. "Oh, did I forget to show that?" she said, blushing. "Silly me. Let's try that again!"
The Goddess of Discord put her hand to the top of her head and, with a sound like velcro being ripped, tore the top right off of her skull. A projection appeared, showing what looked to be animated versions of Eris and the Agents of Chaos standing in a dimly lit area. The caption *Some details have been changed to protect the not-remotely-innocent* was displayed on the bottom.
"...Why do you have a third-person perspective of your own memories?" Jade asked.
"I'm a goddess! I can even remember the parts I wasn't paying attention for!" Eris shouted, idly tossing her scalp from palm to palm. "Now shut up and watch!"
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Captain Black and Hestia continued to gape as the ex-Enforcers got to their feet. Each of them appeared mostly unchanged, but to anybody who knew them, they carried themselves in very unusual ways. Chow, who normally stood up as straight as he could to compensate for his small stature, was hunched over and shifting his weight between his feet. Ratso, normally the most social and friendly of the trio, had his eyes darting around the room, frowning as he took it all in. And Finn...Finn actually didn't change that much. His haughty aura had simply escalated, staring at Captain Black with disdain as he held his chin in one hand and put the other to his side.
Of course, what was most noticeable were their eyes, as each one of them was glowing similarly to Tohru. The only difference was in the colors; rather than Tohru's gold, Chow, Ratso, and Finn's eyes were shaded black, gray, and royal blue respectively. It made what was already a bizarre situation downright eerie, especially with the faint crackling of energy the Captain could see in their irises.
"Hestia...what am I looking at?" Captain Black growled, turning the full force of his glare on the goddess. "Was this your plan all along?!"
"No, of course not!" Hestia snapped back, albeit with less of her usual fire. "The spirits were supposed to appear in the middle of our circle! I wanted to talk to my family, not reincarnate them!"
"Oh, but we are ever so thankful that you did, dear sister," Finn simpered, although the voice that came out wasn't his. It was the voice of a woman, with high regal tones and the precise vowels of a classically trained actor. "Although I must confess, I find your choice of bodies...bothersome."
"It's the flesh that matters, not the form," Ratso said gravely. He also now spoke with a woman's voice, one that was as steely gray as the glow in his eyes. "We will easily be able to reshape these vessels once we are restored to our full might."
"If not, I can always build us new ones," Chow added, his voice now low and gravelly, with an undercurrent of burning anger. "Metal's always trustier than meat, and a lot more durable as well."
"Concerns for later," Zeus snapped in annoyance. "Right now we have more pressing things to deal with."
"Yeah, you do. Specifically, getting out of those bodies and heading back where you came from," Captain Black demanded coldly. "I mean no disrespect to the dead, but the people you're hijacking deserve a hell of a lot better than being your meatsuits. They put that life behind them."
At that, Zeus smirked, the expression alien on Tohru's normally friendly face. "Oh, this brash mortal thinks to challenge the gods? I admit, you had enough strength of will to be a worthy target for my arisen spirit, but looking at you, you seem so...puny. This," he continued, smacking his stomach with his palm, "is a body with physicality matching my greatness. Is that not correct, my devoted Hera?"
"Well, it's certainly bulky," Finn said snidely. "But I do admit, it was a good choice. I like you better with hair anyway."
"Enough of this," Ratso snapped, glaring at the couple. "Father is right; we have more important things to deal with. Hephaestus, open that device holding our powers hostage."
"Of course, Athena," Chow replied, making his limping way over to the canister. "Let's see...I'm certainly a bit rusty, but disassembling this contraption shouldn't be too hard…" he mused. However, when he reached out to touch the glass, a loud crackling was heard. Screaming, he pulled back his hands, now singed black. "What in blazes?!"
"Modern technology, Hephaestus," Captain Black said, smugly. "I've seen enough action to be prepared for anything. Pressure sensors in the canister that trigger an electrical current when touched. I may have shut down the vault's security system, but the container is still completely live!"
"Wretched creature!" Athena yelled, before turning to Zeus. "Father, can you absorb the electricity?"
"No, I cannot," Zeusu growled. "I have access to the barest modicum of my powers, as I suspect you three do as well. Siphoning off the power for as long as it would take Hephaestus to deconstruct that machine would destroy this body beyond repair."
"Then you do it!" Hera shouted, glaring at Captain Black. "You obviously know how this thing works; as queen of the Olympians, I demand that you restore our powers to us!"
"Lady, the only Queen that gets my attention is the one with Freddie Mercury," Captain Black chuckled. "Besides, I shook off your husband trying to take me for a joyride. There's no way you can make me do anything I don't want to do."
"Impudent mortal!" Hera snarled, keeping Finn's beakish nose high. "I have unleashed plagues on entire villages for lesser insults! Obey my word now, or you will rue the day you crossed the queen of the heavens!"
"Actually…" Athena interrupted, looking thoughtful. "I don't think we need his help. We already have our way in," she continued, gesturing behind her. In an instant, all eyes in the room turned to Hestia, who had been watching the whole scene with a look of utter shock.
"They...they act just like they used to...is it really them? Did I really do it?" she muttered to herself, her eyes completely unfocused. She looked completely lost.
"Hestia! The mortal denies us our rightful might! Use your divine fire and free our essences from this confinement!" Zeus ordered, his voice echoing like thunder. However, Hestia didn't even react. She was completely absorbed in her own world.
"Ugh, she always gets like this," Hera said, rolling her eyes. "It's no use, my love. We'll be lucky if she gets over it before these bodies die of old age."
"We don't have to worry," Athena said confidently. "She's currently just grappling the impossibility of our return. But once we affirm our existence, she'll come around."
"Another one of your 'brilliant insights', I take it," Hepheastus grumbled, still rubbing his blackened hands. "I'd hardly call you the expert in affairs of the heart."
"This is an affair of the mind, soot-crawler," Athena replied coldly. "And I'd not question me again. Limited as we may be, this body can still break yours like a twig."
"We don't have time to wait for her! Surrender to us what is rightfully ours!" Zeus roared into Captain Black's face. Captain Black's face was flecked with spittle, but he didn't react.
"Sorry, but it's going to take more than that to intimidate me," Captain Black bragged. "I've dealt with a lot in my time here, and you guys? You're far from the scariest I've seen."
"Then you're a fool who judges by appearances," Athena snapped, glaring at the captain. "I can read the remnants of energy in this room. Two conclaves of demonic magic users and the powers of a group of celestial animals, correct?"
Captain Black raised an eyebrow. "Seriously? Are you trying to bluff me by reading Ratso's mind?"
"I can't access this dolt's memories, you idiot!" the Goddess of Wisdom screamed, her voice coming out as an owl-like screech. "How dare you equate my deductive brilliance to simply cheating!"
"Oh?" Captain Black smirked. "Then I guess you'll need a refresher course on how I've kept those troublemakers in line." He reached into the pocket of his trenchcoat and pulled out a small black object with four buttons on it.
"What is that?" Hera yelped, withdrawing behind Zeus's bulk.
"It's a bomb, genius; this thing hits the ground, and we all get blown to kingdom come," the captain replied. The possessed Enforcers recoiled in shock, their eyes locked on the device. "You don't think I'd walk around this place unarmed, do you?" Black continued, his smirk widening. "It's not good against magic, but you guys are looking pretty mortal in those bodies."
"Now now, let's not do anything hasty, mortal," Hephaestus said warily, eyeing the device with a professional's interest. "After all, with our powers back, we could do a lot for you. How'd you like a weapon with half the size of that thing, but three times the power? Give me my tools and I can make that happen!"
"My son is right," Zeus grudgingly agreed, holding up his hands. "You are an insolent fool, but you show a spirit about you that most of your kind lack. Turn that to our aid, and instead of punishing your transgressions, we shall reward you well for your assistance."
"Thanks, but no thanks," Captain Black replied. "You know what they say; 'Beware of Greeks bearing gifts'." His eyes flicked to Hestia, just for a second, before sighing. She was still in a state of shock, unmoving; no help coming on that front. "And now...think fast!"
With that, Captain Black slammed down on the buttons, lobbed the object into the middle of the room, and ran out the vault's door. The gods recoiled in terror, only to pause as nothing happened.
"...it was a bluff! After him!" Zeus thundered, whereupon all four of the possessed former Enforcers rushed out behind him. Now alone in the vault, Hestia just stared at the object the captain had thrown.
"...Quick thinking," she said absently, picking up Captain Black's discarded key fob.
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
Jackie and Uncle continued to cringe as Hak Foo underwent his transformation. His arms stretched to different lengths, his back hunched over, and his legs contorted, all as he laughed maniacally.
"What did Eris do to him?" Jackie said as he stared at the increasingly ridiculous shape.
"Anything and everything!" Prometheus cried, standing guard over the other Agents of Chaos. "That's her M.O.!"
The shadows finally faded, and Hak Foo struck a martial arts stance, displaying all of his new features. He had become a ghastly mixture of different animals, with the striped black and white legs of a tiger underneath the armored torso of a beetle. One of his arms was that of a bear, while the other had turned into a lobster claw. Behind him, a thick kangaroo tail hung down. But worst of all was Hak Foo's face. Whether it was the tapir trunk for a nose, the warthog tusks protruding from his lips, the single deer antler, or the freakish, mismatched eyes (one multifaceted like a bug's, the other small and yellow like a hawk's), there seemed be almost no humanity left in the hired thug. In fact, the only remainder of who he was, or even which species, was his shaggy red mane and his mustache/goatee combo.
"Ah...it feels so good to breathe freely," Hak Foo said, his voice now mixed with a dissonant blend of animal calls stitched together, much like his body. "That human form can be so confining now that I've been granted this gift."
"You look like Frankenstein's pet project," Prometheus said with a glare, which Hak Foo matched with one of his own.
"That's right, make your jokes," the transformed martial artist growled. "Die laughing, for all I care. In the end, it is the strong that survive, and all else is just there to help them do it. Speaking of which…"
Kasahara, his eyes bloodshot, took the signal and immediately shapeshifted into an eagle, flying out from the confinement of Vanessa's whip. With the empty space, Zhixin and the relic hunter quickly freed themselves, their eyes similarly red.
"Interesting. I expected you to claw your way out of that trap like animals," Hak Foo mused, scratching his chin with his bear arm.
"We're hardly unused to magic, you blowhard," Vanessa replied, picking up her whip. "Ares's influence is strong, but we're trained enough to keep most of our facilities."
"I see. The three of you may have some worth to you after all," Hak Foo said, his mouth twisted into something that might have been a smile. "You're certainly better than those idiots I used to run with when Valmont was in the picture. And what about you, Chan?" he asked, turning to glare at the martial artist. "What sort of trick has kept you free from the bloodlust in the air?"
"Well, if I had to guess…" Jackie said thoughtfully, looking over at Prometheus, "it was a hot cup of chamomile tea."
"Now you're learning," Prometheus said approvingly. "Yes, the tea you drank was specially infused to ward off mental influences. For the next few hours, Ares's madness can't touch you."
"Then why didn't crazy old Titan say so in the first place?!" Uncle snapped, crossing his arms. "Dramatic secrecy not necessary!"
"How many times do I have to tell you, old man?" Prometheus said with a roll of his eyes. "What was the point of giving humanity the ability to figure things out for themselves if I just keep spoon-feeding it to you? And keep a lid on that temper! The tea has its limits."
"If that is the extent of your sorcery, then this shall be easy," Hak Foo bragged. "You three stay out of the way! These vermin are mine."
"Sure thing, chief," Vanessa said sarcastically, before turning to Kasahara and Zhixin. "C'mon boys. Let's go live up to the boss's standards!" With that, the Agents of Chaos charged away from the martial artists and into the crowd of reenactors surrounding them. The faux-soldiers, driven into a frenzy by the release of Ares's power, stabbed and struck at them, only to be tossed aside by the reinvigorated mercenaries.
"Prometheus!" Jackie shouted, pointing at the Agents. "Stop them before they kill someone!"
"Way ahead of you!" Prometheus replied, rushing into the fray. "But make sure to watch your back!"
"Huh?" Jackie asked, before feeling the sensation of hot breath on the back of his neck. He spun around to see Hak Foo looming over him, a menacing grin on his animalistic face.
"Now, Chan, feel the might of the world's deadliest man as he fights with the power of two gods! Nemean Lion pounces on goat!"
The transmogrified thug got down on all fours and sprung at Jackie, who stumbled back as he eyed Hak Foo's claws in fear. The Black Tiger's reach had increased with his transformation, and Jackie had to combine a backflip and a sidestep just to escape the reach of his bear paw. Unfortunately, though, that wasn't enough to escape the lobster claw. He winced as the pincer scraped across his chest, leaving a shallow gash.
"Jackie!" Uncle cried. "Average lobster claw can snap bones!"
"Assuming I don't cut through them first," Hak Foo added smugly, brandishing his claw to reveal a sharpened edge running along the outside. "Once again, magic proves itself superior to nature."
"Figures," Prometheus muttered. "The first chimera could breathe fire; Eris is hardly going to stop at what's natural when cobbling together a new one. It's Patches all over again."
"You're next," Hak Foo growled at the Titan, before opening his claw wide and lunging at Jackie's neck. "Karkinos crushes snail!"
The claw snapped shut, and Jackie leapt and did the splits to avoid decapitation. He came down hard with a double-fisted slam on the extended limb, but the hard shell wouldn't yield. As Jackie landed, he shook his hands and winced in pain. He danced back, hands tucked in his armpits as Hak Foo launched himself again with a cry of "Nine-headed Hydra Strike!"
Jackie frantically looked towards Hak Foo's hands, trying to figure out where the strike would come from, only to feel a sudden pressure around his neck. Looking up, his eyes widened at the sight of Hak Foo, mouth open, launching a massive snake from his mouth.
"You have a snake for a tongue?!" Jackie gasped out, frantically pulling at the reptile's body. While the grip wasn't painful yet, the reptile was wrapped tightly enough that he couldn't dislodge it.
"Be careful, Chan. Chop it off and two more will grow in its place!" hissed Hak Foo's voice, right next to Jackie's ear. Gulping, he turned to the snake, which was sporting an anatomically impossible grin. "Now, how would you rather go? My bite burning away your life, or my coils crushing your throat?" it continued, revealing a mouth of long, needle-like fangs.
Hak Foo took a moment to savor the sight of his hated nemesis in such a helpless position. He gazed into Jackie's eyes, eager to see the hope go out within them, only to snarl in rage when all he saw was heroic defiance. Focusing his entire attention on the snake, he made it coil tighter around Jackie's neck, ready to squeeze the life from the archaeologist.
Jackie raised his fists to grab it, but it was too late now; the serpent's hold was too strong to remove. As the air left Jackie's body, he lifted his leg and kicked Hak Foo directly in the stomach. Hak Foo winced, but didn't let go. He braced himself by planting his kangaroo tail against the ground and continued tightening his tongue's hold. As Jackie sagged against the reptile's grip, Hak Foo smiled. After so many years, revenge was finally within his grasp. All it took was changing from hands to claws.
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
"And that's pretty much the whole story," Eris summed up, pulling out a needle and thread and sewing her scalp back onto her head. Naturally she had grown two extra arms out of her shoulders to do the work for her.
Jade stood there, fuming. "Once again, you barely told me anything! You just showed that one scene and said 'and that's pretty much the whole story'! There's still two weeks left you didn't cover!"
Eris rolled her eyes. "Whatever. I just don't feel like telling you everything, so nyah!" The Goddess of Discord flared her nostrils and blew a raspberry at the child. "Ares, take care of her already, would you?"
"Certainly. Lethality preference?" Ares asked, cracking his neck and adjusting the grip on his spear.
"Eh, don't kill her. I still think I can swing her. And if not, I could always use another pet," Eris replied, looking Jade over with an expert's eye. "How do you think she'd look with eyestalks and a rooster comb? Ooh, and slimy webbed feet!"
"Have your fun later," Ares admonished, albeit with a smirk. "I'll have mine now. You can always add new limbs later, right?"
Jade's eyes went wide as Ares lunged with his spear, but she managed to leap up, bouncing off the weapon and starting to run. There wasn't a lot in the way of escape routes, though, as she realized when she reached the other end of the vessel.
"Tch, I knew I should have taken that long-distance swimming class," she muttered, staring out at the shore. It may have been close enough for her to see Hak Foo's hulking, chimeric form, but there was still more than enough water between land and sea to make passage practically impossible. It took her another moment to notice the soldiers moving to surround her. "Uh...okay, you found me. Now I'll count, and you hide, okay?"
"Death to the Confederacy!" the soldiers shouted, brandishing their muskets at the child.
"Or you could be completely crazy. Alright then, don't blame me when you wake up in the hospital!" With that, Jade launched a snap kick into the nearest soldier's shin. He dropped to grab it, and she snatched the musket out of his hands, slashing her way through the others. Within seconds, she had cleared enough of a gap to slip away from the deranged reenactors, only to bump straight into a pair of muscular legs.
"There is nowhere to run, little girl," Ares bragged, leering down at Jade. With one meaty hand, he seized the back of her hoodie and brought her to eye level. "Tell me, who do you think you are to oppose the will of the gods?"
Jade squirmed in his grip, wriggling back and forth to no avail. "I really gotta learn how to slip out of this jacket," she sighed.
"Do you know what I do to prisoners of war, child?" the God of War growled as he took her musket. Merely by flexing his fingers, he bent the cold metal and broke it in half.
"Um...give them a time-out and a stern talking-to?" Jade replied hopefully, spreading a big, hopefully friendly smile.
Ares laughed in her face. The force of it actually sent her swinging back for a moment. "No," he chuckled. "I make them watch as their comrades are slaughtered."
His grip still tight on Jade's hoodie, he turned her around, facing the shore. Jade could see her uncle, great-uncle (or something), and Prometheus up against something horrible and distinctly nonhuman. Jackie was trying to fight the creature, but it had a clear advantage over him. She bit her lip, her eyes flitting between the fight and Ares's smug face, before sighing. A memory flashed in her mind, of a scene from a movie that Jackie hadn't wanted her to watch...
"Hey," she said, craning her neck to look at the god. "I want you to do me a favor."
"Oh, last requests already? I figured you had more fight in you," Ares mocked, turning Jade around to look straight into her eyes. "But fine. What do you want?'
"I want you to hit me as hard as you can," Jade replied, glaring at her captor with pure defiance.
"...I'm not an idiot, little girl. I know you're baiting me," the God of War said musingly. "But I'm legitimately curious to see where you're going with this. And who am I to turn down an opportunity for violence? Alright, child, but don't complain when you end up as a splatter on the deck!" he shouted, flicking his wrist and sending Jade flying into the air.
This is gonna hurt! Jade thought, tightening herself into a ball. As she came down, Ares raised his fist, and she spun, just a little, just enough to throw off his aim. As such, instead of slamming into her back, the blow ended up brushing against her heels, instantly tearing apart the soles of her shoes. However, what was more important was that the air pressure from the blow sent Jade rocketing forward, an orange-clad missile making a beeline for the shore.
"Hm. Impressive. You were right, sister. She is an interesting one," Ares said as Eris strode over to him. "Apologies for letting her get away."
"Yeah, not the smartest move, bro," Eris chided, albeit with a smirk on her face. "But then you always were one to play with your food."
"I learned from the best," Ares replied, before offering his arm. "Care for a lift? I'm heading where the fighting is fiercest."
"Ooh, fun!" Eris giggled, before leaping onto Ares's shoulder. With a disgusting crunch of bones, she transformed into a gnome-like version of herself. "Just like in that anime Kasahara showed me!" she said proudly.
"...What exactly is an 'anime'?" the God of War asked, his expression confused.
Eris let out a cackle. "We have so much catching up to do!"
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
"Any last words, Chan?" Hak Foo whispered as the serpent continued to tighten around Jackie's neck. The archaeologist was no longer moving, his face a very unnatural purple. He opened his mouth, but no sound came out. "Smart. Keep your dignity. Good bye, Chan."
"Incoming!"
Hak Foo snapped to attention at the sound of the screaming voice from above. "Oh, not her again," he groaned, just before an orange cannonball came careening right at him. It popped open, and Jade slammed her foot down directly on his head, narrowly avoiding the antler. Hak Foo winced only slightly, but the distraction was enough for him to lose control over the snake, causing Jackie to slip out of its coils and drop to the ground, gasping for breath. Before Hak Foo even had time to react, Jade seized the snake at the neck and whipped it over to one of the thug's pointed tusks, severing it at the base. The snake fell to the ground, not moving, as Jade stared expectantly at the martial artist.
"...Um, shouldn't you be screaming or something?" Jade asked.
"After what I had to endure to receive this form, pain like that is nothing," Hak Foo said calmly, his voice strangely not even slightly impeded by his current lack of a tongue. "Now get off of me!" he snapped, twisting his head to the side and sending Jade tumbling to the ground. Jackie, in spite of his weakness, grabbed his niece and set her down safely.
"I told you," he huffed, "to stay at the information center!"
"Seriously?" Jade asked incredulously. "Ugh, I guess you're fine, then."
"Thanks to you," the archaeologist admitted, smiling. "Now stay with Uncle! Hak Foo's more dangerous than ever."
"The only acknowledgment I need, Chan, is your body lying broken at my feet!" the Black Tiger growled, crushing his severed tongue with a single stomp. Looking up, Jackie winced at the sight of two identical snakes sprouting from the stump, twisting and twining around Hak Foo's tusks.
"Of course he wasn't bluffing," Jackie groaned as he pushed himself to his feet. "Bad day bad day bad day…"
"Tch," Jade said with a roll of her eyes. "He thinks having a mouthful of snakes is a good thing?"
Jackie smiled, then swatted her behind him. As he did, though, he looked down and stared at her feet. "Jade...how'd you get those bruises?" he asked, horrified. Indeed, the soles of Jade's feet were swollen and covered with black and purple marks, while the remnants of her shoes were dangling from her ankles.
"...Ares whiffed," Jade admitted, staring down at the ground, before raising her head and looking Jackie in the eye. "Take this clown out fast," she continued, cocking her head in the direction of Hak Foo. "When the big guy gets here, you're not going to want any distractions."
Jackie nodded and ran back into the fray, immediately bowing back to dodge a swipe of Hak Foo's bear claw. With a grunt, he hefted his legs off the ground and wrapped them around the thug's arm, then swung himself in to punch Hak Foo in the stomach. Instead of soft flesh, however, he met with the hard chitin of the beetle shell. He flailed his hand to relieve the pain, dropping to the ground to dodge the incoming lobster claw.
"Tough luck, Chan!" Hak Foo said proudly. "Lady Eris has made sure that this shell provides absolute protection!"
"How amazing," Jackie moaned as he got back to his feet, still shaking out his hand. He kept his arms loose and his legs stiff as he stared down his opponent.
Hak Foo sprung forward with a cry of "Manticore devours Turk!", his mismatched claws splayed and his mouth wide open. Jackie merely sidestepped him, socking him in the jaw on the way over. Hak Foo flew back, but rolled over and moved on his bear arm along with his tiger legs, his pincer out front. "Skolopendra bisects ship!" he screamed as he came at Jackie's legs, but Jackie pressed his palms on each side of the lobster claw and leapfrogged over the much larger man, seizing his feet in the process.
"If he hollers, let him go!" Jade warned, albeit with a smirk. She was standing right next to Uncle, the two watching the fight with baited breath.
"Uncle, take Jade out of here!" Jackie yelled, and for once Jade didn't argue as Uncle dragged her off, sticking close to the fortress walls. Hak Foo made no move to stop them, instead kicking out his feet to dislodge Jackie's grip, sending the archeologist skidding across the ground. ("Arion repels farmer!")
Jackie scrambled to his feet and danced backwards as Hak Foo made to grab him with a cry of "Polyphemus seizes sheep!" His mismatched claws nearly trapped Jackie each time, but he narrowly spun out of their grasp again and again, before finally collapsing backwards and slipping under Hak Foo, only to be bludgeoned with the thug's kangaroo tail.
"Give it up, Chan," the Black Tiger taunted, swiping Jackie to one side with his tail, then pinning him down with a claw. "You are no match for the Goddess of Discord's finest creation!"
Jackie feebly kicked at Hak Foo's beetle shell as the chimeric monstrosity hefted his bladed claw for the final blow…
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
"Hurry, Jade!" Uncle panted as he continued his sprint, sticking close to the fortress walls. "Every moment essence stays with its host, power increases!"
"Yeah, let's hope not in this case," Jade muttered, trailing behind the old man due to her heavily bruised feet. "I don't want to even think about that guy getting any tougher."
"One more thing!" Uncle shouted. "Jade, how did you get to shore? Ares's host should not have been so strong that quickly!"
"Ah...I must've forgotten to mention that…" Jade groaned. "See, the thing is that...well, I think that this time, Ares might've...literally come back to life?"
Uncle immediately stopped dead, sending Jade slamming into his back and falling over. "Ai-yah! Actual god of war has come back?! Jackie cannot withstand such divine might!"
"Tch! You don't think I know that?!" Jade snapped back, getting back to her feet. "That's why I didn't stick around! We need to find something we can use to even the odds, and we're weren't doing it watching the one-man zoo wear Uncle Jackie down!"
"Then find something we shall," Uncle agreed, surveying the battlefield. "At the very least, we must find way to stop brute before he exhausts Jackie completely."
"We can't stop that monster either!" Jade argued. "Not unless you've got a whopper of a spell up your sleeve?"
Uncle shook his head. "Uncle was not prepared for such a threat," he admitted. "Eris truly is wild card. Uncle should have predicted something like this."
"Well, without magic, we're gonna need some heavy artillery to KO HF, and I don't see…" Jade trailed off, turning to stare at the carnage behind her. She slapped a palm to her forehead. "Duh, Jade!" she laughed before turning back to the old wizard. "Uncle, let's get movin'! Jackie's not gettin' any stronger!"
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
In a secluded corner of Section 13, a lab technician was working on assembling what looked like it would eventually be a sniper rifle of some kind. He was an unkempt young man, with a head of long, curly brown hair all the way down his back, though carefully kept swept out of his eyes, and somewhat contained under a backwards baseball cap. He stared at his work with a large lens over his left eye, magnifying everything tenfold.
The man was so focused on his work that he failed to notice the door to his lab opening, or the heavy sounds of footsteps. He did, however, notice when he was lifted off the floor by the scruff of his neck, dropping his tools in the process. "Oh, hey guys," Kepler said absently, turning to the group. "Not really ready for you to clean this place yet. Give me a couple hours and then I'll-" he stopped short as a heavy fist slammed into the top of his head, knocking him unconscious.
"I still say that the subterfuge was meaningless," said Zeus, dropping the technician roughly to the ground. "We should have just demanded those miscreants tear apart the vault, lest they face our wrath."
"What wrath exactly, husband?" replied Hera. "We have no powers, no status, and limited time; we're strikingly limited in options when it comes to intimidation."
"That may have been a benefit, frankly," Athena sighed, shaking her head. "It seems that this group flies far beneath people's attention. They leave so little impression that nobody has even noticed they're not themselves."
"Not to mention how easy it was to get pointed towards an armory," Hephaestus growled. "Not a hint of suspicion; even that idiot was expecting us," he added, gesturing to Kepler, who was peacefully dozing on the floor.
"Perhaps," Zeus conceded, "but the time for a low profile is gone. We must strike out and reclaim our powers before that mortal manages to rally his forces against us."
"Well said, for once," Hera scoffed, only to be interrupted by a buzzing sound as the intercom mounted above the door came to life.
"Attention all units!" Captain Black's voice echoed throughout the base. "Miscellaneous employees Chow, Finn, Ratso, and Tohru have all been possessed by hostile spirits. All available agents are to prepare for nonviolent capture. Repeat, capture and detain maintenance workers Chow, Finn, and Ratso, and independent consultant Tohru!"
"And there goes the element of surprise," Athena moaned, shaking her head.
"Still, at least we have options now," Hera replied, casting her gaze around the room, more specifically the vast array of weapons and gadgets lining the walls. "So, my darling child, how long do you think it will take to figure out this modern weaponry?"
"These things? Not long at all," Hephaestus said, grinning. He picked up the device Kepler was working on and pulled the trigger. A geyser of oil spurted out of the barrel, drenching Hera. Hephaestus grimaced. "Uh, maybe a little longer…"
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
"Kampe decapitates terrified Hecatoncheire!" Hak Foo screamed as his claw came down. In spite of this, Jackie remained stoic, his eyes drilling into Hak Foo's.
BOOM!
Just as Hak Foo's claw was coming down, a shot was fired, and Hak Foo reeled back from an iron sphere to the face. Jackie took his opportunity to slip out from under the thug and give him a roundhouse kick to the neck. Hak Foo stumbled backwards in a daze, landing on his butt and digging his mismatched claws into the ground.
"Wow, I'm, like, a crazy good shot!" Jade marveled from nearby. She and Uncle were standing on either side of an old-fashioned cannon, already reloading it. "I mean, possibly the only vulnerable area! Nuts, right?"
"Do not question it!" Uncle said, grunting as he hefted another cannonball. Though only the size of a baseball, it was very, very dense.
"Jade! What are you doing back here?" Jackie shouted, rushing over to his niece. "I told you to run away!"
"Tch, where? Into an active battlefield?" Jade pouted, to Jackie's exasperation. "And you should be thanking us; if we hadn't brought the big guns, you'd be done hat shopping for life! Now, what do we do with ol' hodgepodge?"
"We don't have any rope that can hold him," Jackie sighed as he walked over to the still groggy chimera and punched him in the face, fully knocking him out. "Can we throw him in the pit?"
"Does Uncle look like Olympic weight lifter?" Uncle demanded, still struggling with the cannonball. "You do it!"
"I mean, we could just roll him in," Jade suggested.
"Then let's do that," Jackie agreed. "And quickly, before he wakes-" he continued, only to be interrupted by a growling coming from beneath him. He looked down and blanched at the sight of Hak Foo's mismatched eyes, open and glaring at him.
"Chryasor gores hunter!" the Black Tiger shouted, before raising his head and burying a tusk into the side of Jackie's leg. Jackie screamed in pain before being knocked aside by a flick of Hak Foo's massive neck, rolling along the ground and landing at Jade's feet.
"Uncle Jackie!" she shouted, leaning over the downed archaeologist. Blood was seeping, slowly but surely, through the leg of his pants, and Jade could see the torn flesh left by Hak Foo's attack.
"I cannot believe that you idiots managed to down me," the martial artist in question grumbled, pushing himself to his feet. "But a single blow does not decide the war!"
"Oh yeah? Well we've got plenty more where that came from!" Jade shouted defiantly, only to be interrupted by a dull thud as Uncle dropped the cannonball, narrowly avoiding his own foot with an "Ai-yah!". "Um...if you could just give us about two minutes? Please?"
"I'm not holding my breath," Hak Foo growled, entering a stance. "Now, let us put an end to-" he continued, only to stop short as an aura of palpable bloodlust suddenly shot up the back of his neck, freezing him in place.
"Still your fists, Black Tiger," came a low voice, one that made Jade's eyes widen in terror. "I respect the passion for vengeance as much as any fighter, but my sister has told me much about these…'Chans'. I would like to test their mettle myself."
"O-of course, my lord!" Hak Foo agreed, immediately dropping to the ground and kneeling. "But...where are you?"
"Right here," the voice answered, before a muscular figure dropped to the ground, its feet leaving craters in the earth. From its stance and posture, it seemed to have just landed from a jump. Off in the distance, the remnants of a recreated naval vessel bobbed in the waves, along with the several faux-Union soldiers who had been on it.
"Now," Ares said, straightening up with a grin, "which one of you wants to die first?"
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
PA2: And lo, the cliffhanger strikes again! Aren't we such teases?
MP: Speak for yourself. Where'd you get fishnet stockings in this day and age?!
PA2: I know a guy who knows a guy. Anyway, before we get into the preview, MP has a quick public service announcement to make.
MP: To all you anonymous reviewers, we love you, but if you're gonna ask questions, do it in a way we can answer! Feel free to PM me if you don't want it public. I got a nice one making guesses about future chapters. It's actually eerie how much they got right (not everything, but still…).
PA2: We'd love to talk about the story, but we can't find you if you stay anonymous. So please feel free to make an account and communicate that way. Trust me, it can be worth your while, especially if you find yourself looking for a creative outlet. And now, MP, let's roll the next time footage!
MP: We will now telepathically beam the preview directly into your brain. Don't blink.
*Pow! Whip-whip-whip! Aoooga!*
MP: If you didn't get it, you need more training for telepathy. Tune in next time for the chapter ACTUALLY titled, "The Myth of the Lost Cause"!
PA2: See you then!