PA2: Hello again, everyone! And welcome to JCA: OJ Chapter 20! Now with substantially less wait time!*
MP: *Wait time may not actually substantially decrease
PA2: Yeah, if we may draw back the curtain a bit here, the reason this chapter is coming so soon is because we had to split what would've been Chapter 21 into two chapters. So unfortunately the Poseidon arc is going to be our longest yet at five chapters, but at least we got to bring you another new chapter before the end of 2022!*
MP: *Chapter may not actually debut in 2022
PA2: Rain on my parade, why don't you? Anyway, enough jibber jabber, let's get started with our most exciting chapter yet!*
MP: *Chapter may not be most exciting yet, jibber jabber may increase, parade rain not guaranteed
Jackie Chan Adventures: Olympian Journey
Chapter 20: The Poseidon Adventure (Not That One)
Frightened by the pig-man all over again, Captain Black and Tremaine reared up, taking a boxing and krav maga stance respectively. Tohru whipped out his blowfish, which glowed with green energy.
"Don't get any closer!" Captain Black warned. "Uncle told me all about the Monkey King! That C-grade jester can't be trusted!"
"Tell me about it," Pigsy grumbled, rolling his watery little eyes. "The guy's an obnoxious blowhard, ya know? Takes all the credit for every slain demon and rescued maiden."
"Give us one good reason why we should trust you of all people to administer our test!" Tohru demanded, brandishing his blowfish menacingly.
"Uh, because I'm the only one here, thunder thighs?" Pigsy grunted. "It's me or nobody, and based on what I've heard, nobody ain't an option, ya know? And just so we're on the same page, I'm not exactly havin' the time of my afterlife, either, so let's just get this over with."
Slowly, the trio relaxed, continuing to stare at the bipedal swine. "Okay…" Captain Black said, straightening his jacket. "So, uh, how does this work?"
Pigsy sighed. "To meet the Eight Immortals, you have to prove you're worthy by showing off the traits they value. They're not easy to please, either, so there's a lot of 'em."
"We'll do it!" Tremaine promised, punching her palm. "How do we start?"
"Congratulations!" Pigsy snort-chuckled. He pulled out a silver pin from his robe and stuck it on Tremaine's blouse. "You just passed the test of enthusiasm! Yippee for you, ya know?"
The entire trio gave Pigsy yet another look of disbelief. "That's it?" Captain Black asked. "That's awfully easy."
"And you just passed the test of honesty!" Pigsy reported, pulling out another pin and sticking it to Captain Black's jacket.
"This doesn't seem very official…" Captain Black muttered, running his finger over the pin.
"And that's the test of skepticism!" Yet another pin was slapped onto the Captain's lapel. "You're doin' great, ya know?"
Tohru let out a sigh. "This is going to take a while, isn't it?"
"Congrats on passing the test of deduction! Here's another pin!"
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The well-maintained palace courtyard made good terrain for a chase as the Agents of Chaos retreated to the Royal Mews. The polished sandstone building lay across the grounds, barely secured compared to the Queen's royal home, but a small squadron of guards watched over the entrance.
"Take out those suckers," Eris ordered, gesturing to the guards to the Mews. "I'll buy us some time."
"How taken out do you want them?" Vanessa asked, grumbling. "Because I've got a right head of steam to work out on these tin soldiers."
"The kind that doesn't bring another army down on our heads!" Eris snapped. "And besides, blood doesn't go with that outfit!"
Vanessa and Zhixin took the lead, Vanessa flinging her whip high and Zhixin aiming chi blasts low, scattering the guards in both directions. Hak Foo seized them and threw them directly overhead, straight into the rapidly approaching platoon coming up from behind.
"Leave the door to me!" Kasahara announced. Hak Foo shielded him as the fold-up man gently approached the locked door to the Royal Mews and transformed a single finger. He slipped the paper key into the slot and gently turned it. He tried the knob, but the door wouldn't budge. Kasahara blushed. "Sometimes it takes a minute," he muttered.
"I hear that happens as you get older," Hak Foo said with a smirk.
Pursing her lips, Eris turned back on the army and spun in place, changing her outfit into a white pseudo-German militaristic robe with a high collar and long sleeves, complete with dozens of white buttons. A black mask with a vertical line of spikes down the middle appeared over the lower half of her face.
"I thought you didn't need an outfit to use the power anymore?" Zhixin asked, raising an eyebrow.
"I don't! What's your point?" Eris replied, prompting a sigh from the old monk.
"Ancient wisdom," he muttered. "Ask not the ostrich why she chases down the sun."
"What happened to the old costumes?" Kasahara asked, still fiddling with the lock.
"You expect me to stick to one outfit? Besides, we're finally getting a new season of the anime! Gotta show my love!" Eris said cheerfully.
"Stop shilling and get on with it, boss!" Vanessa snapped.
"Fine, fine. Taste Deimos, you yellow-toothed, meat-boiling, warm beer-swilling-!"
"Getting a little racist," Vanessa warned.
Eris ignored her and strained her neck, sending waves of pure terror into the small crowd ahead of her. The soldiers cringed as an enormous murder of crows flocked around the Palace, setting down on every available surface that wasn't alive. The birds barely moved, just shuffling around slightly, but kept their dark little eyes on the Queen's guards. The guards, momentarily speechless, simply continued their march forward.
"Sorry, love," Lewis apologized. Despite the beating she had taken, the guard was marching at the head of the reassembled forces. Even with her bloody face and filthy uniform, she remained imposing. "Never all that scared of that movie." She spun her staff and summoned a large lump of quartz, hurling it at the goddess. Eris wailed and stumbled back from the strike, and the crows vanished on the spot.
"How's that door?" Eris snarled as she composed herself.
"Need another minute!" Kasahara reported. "Try something else!"
"Well Deimos is no good!" Eris complained. "Terror works best on big crowds, not a couple dozen soldiers! And Phobos is best for individual stuff-I can get three or four single fears at a time, tops!"
"Wait a minute…'fears'? Not 'people'?" Vanessa asked, prompting Eris to nod. She then turned to Zhixin. "You thinking what I'm thinking?"
"Ancient wisdom," Zhixin said, tenting his twenty fingers. "Though the banyan's branches spread far, there is but one tree."
"What are you babbling about?" Hak Foo demanded, tensing as he prepared to leap into the fray.
"I think I get where you're going! But Panic has to be specific; how am I supposed to know which one will be the right one?" Eris asked, brushing quartz dust off of her coat.
"These are the Palace Guards! What fear do you think will be the right one?!" Vanessa snapped, casting meaningful glances back at the palace proper.
Eris smirked and clapped her hands, reaching out again. In the upper stories of Buckingham Palace, a window shattered, and two figures came tumbling down, crashing into the lawn and tearing up the grass beneath them. One of them was a burly, dark-haired man in a mask, and the other was Her Royal Highness herself, Queen Elizabeth II, desperately clutching at a broken arm, blood dripping from her face, which still held a fair amount of broken glass. The man in the mask raised a pistol to the Queen's face, but she glared and refused to make a sound.
"An assassin!" one guard remarked, turning her head.
"Just another illusion!" Lewis barked, waving a hand.
"Or were we merely the distraction?" Eris tittered. "Can you afford to take the risk?"
Lewis glared, then quickly flung a clump of earth at the would-be killer. He flew into the castle's wall, but popped back up. Two more guards advanced on him, and he raised his hand in surrender, then vanished, along with the Queen.
"Do you really think that we highly trained wizards would fall for such obvious tricks?" Lewis jeered, her face still set.
"No, but it bought a precious few seconds!" Kasahara laughed as the door flung open. The Agents of Chaos fled within and slammed the door behind them.
The stable's interior was as immaculate as the outside, painted white with small, high windows over every stall. A dozen white horses were comfortably contained, munching on alfalfa and straw. A single stable boy was there, and was quickly knocked out by a blast from Zhixin.
Past the horses were a variety of carriages, all of them polished to a shine, though none compared to the very last, one made of solid gold, studded with gems, and decorated with elegant gold sculptures.
"Well, we found the glorified horse trailer," Eris snorted as she stepped toward it. "Any idea which of these decorations is the one we need?"
"Not at a glance," Kasahara admitted, shaking his head. "It must be one of the tridents, but there are so many enchantments on this thing that I can't tell which."
"Ancient wisdom," Zhixin added. "To find a sprig of sage in a perfumery is a difficult task."
"Ugh, fine, then we'll just take 'em both!" Eris snapped. "Vanessa, give me a hand tearing these off!"
"Are you kidding?" Vanessa snapped. "This thing might as well be a Crown Jewel! Besides, if it has that many enchantments, I'd bet good money that it's close to indestructible."
"Nothing's indestructible when I'm around!" Eris declared proudly, only to be interrupted by the sound of something heavy slamming into the doors behind them. "...but we don't have time to test that," she continued, grumbling. "Ah well. Plan B it is!"
"What's Plan-" Kasahara started to ask, only to bury his face into his palm as he saw Eris walk up behind the Gold State Coach and start pushing. "...seriously?"
"Stop whining and start helping!" Vanessa declared as she and the rest of the Agents started to assemble around it. "And make sure it's facing the right way! We'll need to take it out the tourist entrance!"
There was an audible crack as Eris's head spun all the way around. "There was a tourist entrance?!"
"Just push!" Zhixin shouted, the veins in his neck bulging as all four of his arms strained against the carriage. "This thing must weigh a ton!"
"Four tons, actually," Vanessa corrected, digging in her high heels. She turned to their boss. "I don't suppose you have any godly strength to help us?"
"Working on it!" the Goddess of Discord snapped back. She stopped for a moment and snapped her fingers. Her clothing changed to denim overall shorts over a red tee, and a red baseball cap with wings materialized on her head. "Come on, Herakles, gimme some of that strength!"
"Interesting choice of character…" Hak Foo mused.
"This do anything for you?" Eris grunted, giving Hak Foo a saucy wink. As the metamorphosed martial artist shuddered, the goddess pushed and strained, her face turning bright red, and suddenly the coach lurched forward, then flew directly ahead at such speed that the Agents of Chaos toppled to the floor, their balance completely thrown. As the doors burst open and guards flooded in, Eris put two fingers to her lips and let out a shrill whistle. Her storm spirits, rested and refreshed, swooped in, and each of the four Agents harnessed one to the coach's front while Eris threw a punch that sent Lewis through a wall and back onto the palace lawn.
"Where was that five minutes ago?" Kasahara mumbled.
Eris smiled and backflipped over the Agents' heads, landing squarely in the driver's seat, and snapped the reins with all of her considerable might. The storm spirits whinnied and took off down the road, dragging the carriage behind them, leaving the Agents of Chaos clinging to the wrought-gold sculptures on the exterior.
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"Ok, that's the test of politeness done," Pigsy reported, pulling out yet another pin. "And you've been quiet, so that's the test of patience. I think we're good to go!"
"Really? Are you sure?" Captain Black grumbled. Both sides of his jacket were so covered with pins that he could pass for a decorated officer, and Tohru and Tremaine were similarly adorned.
"And there's the test of sarcasm!" Pigsy chortled, adding a third pin to Captain Black's nearly invisible lapel. "Most people don't get that one, so good for you, ya know?"
With a flourish, the pig-man spun his rake and slammed it to the floor. An arch rose from the ground, the inside filled with mist. "Okay, let's get you three to the Eight Immortals and out of my snout!" Rather rudely, he used his rake to shove them through the threshold.
Tohru hit the ground first, landing on his palms, and Captain Black and Tremaine landed on his cushioned rear.
"Rise, visitors," came a calm and measured voice that echoed through the room. Tohru grunted and got back to his feet, staring at the source of the voice. They were facing what looked like a massive painted paper screen, which hung seemingly suspended from thin air. The screen was decorated with the image of a stormy sea, with eight colorful figures crossing it through various means. One of the figures, a red-bearded man with a sword strapped to his back, was lit up, as if a lamp had been placed behind it. "You stand in the presence of the Eight Immortals. Few living souls in the past century have had the honor of-"
"What in the world are those pins all over you?" Another voice interrupted. A different figure, one of an official-looking man in a red uniform, holding wooden castanets in one hand, lit up instead. It sounded annoyed, and very no-nonsense.
"Um, Pigsy gave us these," Tremaine said, waving her hand over the many silver buttons attached to her clothes. "Each one was for passing a test."
The images didn't move, but from the sound of the collective groans within, each one was rolling their eyes.
"PIGSY!" the one with the castanets shouted.
In a puff of smoke, Pigsy was standing next to Captain Black, a steamed bun half-crammed in his mouth. He gulped nervously and bowed to the screen. "Ehehe, uh…greetings, bosses," he muttered.
"Did you skim over the tests again?" another figure asked, this one an old man with a long white beard, patting a drum. His voice was softer, less accusing, but clearly skeptical.
"Uh…no?" the pig-man answered, sweat dripping from his brow.
"Our time is valuable, Pigsy!" the Immortal with the sword snapped. "This is a bureaucracy, after all! Problems don't need to go to the very top every time!"
"Their mission's important, ya know?" Pigsy sputtered, dropping the respectful act. "They need to, uh…to…do…something…"
"We need to repair your magic armor," Tremaine finished, and the pig-man sighed with relief.
"Wait a moment," the Immortal with the castanets said. "The Armor of the Eight Immortals? Are you the one who resealed the Netherworld, chi wizard?" he continued. Despite being a painted image, everyone could feel as the force of his attention shifted to Tohru.
The sumo wrung his hands, but Captain Black spoke for him. "Partially. He was apprenticed to the wizard who did most of it, but he was invaluable in banishing Tso Lan, the moon demon."
"Much appreciated," said another Immortal, this one a pale woman holding a lotus flower, in a soft-spoken voice with a musical quality. "And I'm sure our armor was of much use in your campaign against the Demon Sorcerers?"
Tohru and Captain Black exchanged a look, then murmured a response that sounded positive. Tremaine and Pigsy gave an exasperated head shake.
"How in the world could our magic armor break!?" demanded the Immortal with the sword. "Only a magic of equal or even greater caliber could manage such a feat!"
"A power such as a divine blacksmith?" Captain Black asked in return.
"Well, yes, that would probably-" a new Immortal started to say. This one was a tattooed old man holding a paper fan, and he spoke with a casual and curious tone, suddenly stopping as if he'd realized something. "Oh, was this Zhurong? We'll have to discipline him…"
"It was Hephaestus," Tremaine said simply.
"Hephaestus?!" the Immortal with the sword shouted. "But that pantheon perished centuries ago!"
"And even if they did somehow return, why would a chi wizard use the Armor of the Eight Immortals against him?" the castanet-holding Immortal asked. "Do you realize how much paperwork is going to be required if this turns into a theological incident?!"
"Are…are they seriously not aware of what's going on?" Tremaine whispered to Pigsy, who had finished his steamed bun and pulled another out of thin air.
"Why do you think I was pulling that stuff with the pins?" the pig-man muttered back. "These guys ain't got no idea about what's going on down there, ya know?"
"Let this be a lesson to you not to delegate too much, Treamine," Captain Black whispered in his new agent's ear. "If you stay too far above everything, you're the last to know when things go wrong. Best to keep in touch with those in the field. It's why I'm here, after all."
"Well?" the sword-wielding Immortal demanded. "I believe an explanation is in order before we can pass judgment."
"Yes, of course," Tohru said respectfully, inclining his head to the screen. He launched into an abridged version of his family's adventures over the last few months, pausing once in a while to answer a question here and there, before finally reaching the present. "So, with more powers yet to awaken and Eris becoming stronger by the day, we require greater weapons to fight back. We humbly request that you repair your armor so that we may finish this fight."
"This is very troubling," the Immortal with the sword said. They could tell he'd be stroking his chin if his image moved.
"Yeah, the power of Poseidon has already activated, and it's anyone's guess what will happen next," Captain Black told them.
"No, it is troubling that you used our armor to fight a threat outside of our pantheon!" shouted yet another Immortal, this one a handsome young man holding a flute to his lips. He sounded unused to such rage, and rather surprised by it. "A Western one, no less! The ideological conflict could have far-reaching consequences throughout all of existence!"
"What choice did they have?" asked the female Immortal with the lotus. "They were facing certain death!"
"This is the fault of Prometheus!" cried the one with the sword. "Oh, when I get my hands on him, he'll think having his liver pecked out was downright pleasant!"
"Whatever the case, these humans require our help!" the lotus woman protested. "Their entire world is in danger, and, lest you forget, it is our world, too!"
"Let Hestia and Prometheus handle it," said the Immortal with the drum. "This is their mess, so they should clean it."
"Hestia only plays defense, and Prometheus is weak!" shouted the one with the castanets. "Swift action is necessary, and you know it!"
"But repairing the Armor would make us far too involved!" a new Immortal, this one androgynous and holding a basket of flowers, interjected. "These mortals defeated the Demon Sorcerers; they can manage those hedonistic Greeks!"
"You are one to speak of hedonism!" snapped the one with the castanets. "And demons are simple compared to gods! Good magic keeps them at bay, but those Greeks do only as they wish! They cannot be trusted!"
As the Immortals continued to argue, Captain Black turned to Pigsy with a despondent look on his face. "At the risk of repeating myself, we're gonna be here a while, aren't we?"
"Test of repetition," Pigsy said absently, putting another pin on Captain Black's jacket. "And yep. Good thing I brought snacks, ya know?"
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"Woohoo!" Eris cheered. "This is my best idea since ballistic nymphs!"
"Do I even want to know?" Vanessa groaned, wrapping her whip around one of the cherubs on top of the state coach to keep her balance.
"Hey, you try despoiling nature when you're getting acorns shot through all your organs! Now, have you found the trident?"
"It's right here!" Kasahara pointed out, indicating the object held by a winged fish-man next to the rear left wheel. He was in his paper spider form, though with his human head, tightly clutching the back of the carriage. He swiped a sharp leg at the base of the trident, but it didn't budge. "But I can't remove it!"
"I thought you were supposed to be intelligent," Hak Foo scoffed. "Didn't we just discuss how a vehicle this important would be warded against damage?"
"Or one this valuable?" Vanessa jeered. "We're stealing four tons of solid gold here!"
"True, but they're not prepared for the strength of a god!" Eris trilled. She snapped the reins again, and her storm spirits sped up further. "We just need to lose the fuzz, and then I'll break this baby down to loose change!"
In spite of Eris's urging, her steeds could only go so fast with so much weight behind them. The coach was designed to be pulled by eight horses, not four, and it was so heavy that even the mighty anemoi couldn't lift it into the air. Worse, several guards were gaining on them, riding the palace's own Windsor Greys. Zhixin stood atop Kasahara and fought to keep them away with multiple blasts, but apparently trick riding was in their training as well, as it barely slowed them down while they passed Sullivan's Plaque.
"Ugh, can't these blighters take a hint?" Vanessa snapped, rummaging around in her coat pocket. "Let's see, there should be something in here…got it!" she cheered as she triumphantly brandished a roughly shaped hunk of iron. Scrawled on the top in red ink was the word "εμποδίζω".
"Finally!" Eris snapped. "Seriously, what's the point of giving you guys magic lessons if you only use them once a mission?"
"A bag of ingredients and an English-Greek dictionary does not a lesson make!" Kasahara complained.
"Ancient wisdom-" Zhixin began, only for Vanessa to turn and glare at him.
"Save it!" she growled, before twisting back around and smirking at the charging guards. "Ta-ta, loves!" she said cheerfully as she dropped the piece of iron off the back of the carriage. The second it hit the ground, the chunk expanded into a massive iron wall, red Greek letters covering every inch of its surface. The shocked guards immediately yanked on the reins of their horses, with the front row just barely managing to come to a stop before crashing into the barrier just short of One Great George Street.
"That should buy us plenty of time!" Vanessa reported with a smirk, taking a moment to admire the crowd of confused Londoners watching the Queen's carriage fly by. Best of all, cars all over the road, recognizing the all-important vehicle, flew out of their way, gladly crashing into hydrants just to let them through. Well, all but one.
With an ear-splitting screech, a white sedan rounded the corner ahead of the coach, nearly slamming into the storm spirits and momentarily halting them. The passenger door flipped open, and Jackie flipped out and onto the roof, gaping in shock at the motley crew and their heist.
"Y'know, old man, most people don't drive when they call Uber…" complained a rather disgruntled young woman in the car's backseat.
Uncle, without missing a beat, delivered a two-fingered strike from in front of her. "Talk later!" he snapped, his ancient reflexes pushed to their limit as he tried to stay parallel to the stolen carriage. Jade rolled her eyes and doubled the driver's tip, again.
"It's just not a party until you show up, is it, Chan?" Vanessa inquired. She released her whip and teleported with perfect timing, landing next to Jackie on the car's roof. She swung her leg, but he ducked and punched up, striking her prominent chin. Zhixin fired a blast, but Jackie flattened himself just in time and it passed over him. Vanessa was stricken and thrown directly into the statue of Churchill outside of Parliament.
"Pull over!" Jackie screamed to Eris over the howling winds. "You are committing grand theft auto!"
"Clear the road, Chan!" Eris shot back. "I'm riding this baby all the way to Easy Street!"
Jackie cleared the gap between the vehicles and slammed a foot down on Kasahara's head, but the fold-up man wouldn't be easily moved. He reconfigured himself into a paper ninja and held the carriage fast with his feet, swinging bladed arms and almost taking off Jackie's nose. "Surrender, Chan-Jackie-Chan!" he sneered, slicing the air. "You have no place to run!"
"You got any bottled water in this thing?" Jade asked, turning to the driver.
"In there," sighed the young woman, pointing to the lowered armrest between them.
Jade smirked and lifted the lid, pulling out a chilled bottle, and rolled down her window. "Jackie, catch!" she called as she tossed it through, right into Jackie's waiting hands. Ducking under another blade, he popped the lid off with his thumb and sloshed the chilled liquid, raining a cool splash over Kasahara's head. However, before the water could touch him, the stream of liquid suddenly changed direction, funneling over to the side of the carriage.
"Ancient wisdom!" Zhixin chortled, holding aloft a sponge emblazoned with the word "απορροφώ" emblazoned upon it in bright red ink. "With each new chamber, the nautilus shell grows stronger!"
"Ai-yah!" Uncle shouted. "Greek magic!"
"Did you really think us so incapable of adapting?" Kasahara taunted, continuing to stab at Jackie. "You won't be able to neutralize me so easily anymore, Chan-Jackie-Chan!"
Kasahara's gloating was immediately cut off as a small metal object struck the side of his arm, tossed out of the open passenger window. It bonked against him and fell into the street, and Kasahara howled in pain. From the point of impact, flames rapidly spread down the fold-up man, who screamed and returned to his human form, leaving Jackie to kick him away. Kasahara screamed and held on to one of the fishmen at the carriage's rear, beating his arm against his robe to try and extinguish the flame.
"Jade!" Jackie lectured. "I have told you not to play with the cigarette lighter!"
"Talk later!" Jade yelled, and Uncle swerved the car away to avoid another chi blast. As they flew to one side, there was a "crash" right behind them, and glass shattered in the rear window.
"Scylla nabs sailors!" the mutant Hak Foo roared, lunging his gulper eel arm at Jade, who slid over and nearly threw herself out the window.
"How do you pop trunk?" Uncle demanded.
"Trunk?" the driver replied. "I don't have luggage!"
"He means the boot!" Jade corrected.
"Oh. Button under the dash."
Uncle jammed down his finger, and Hak Foo's balance shifted as the trunk opened beneath his froggy feet. Jade punched at the man's shin, but he just sneered back at her, popping his freakish face into the car.
"Ugh, how 'bout a mint?" Jade asked, fishing a bag out of the same compartment as the water and shoving the entire thing in Hak Foo's mouth. The thug spat them back at her, and Jade heaved herself through the open window and over to the carriage, clinging to Zhixin's hood. She caught the monk in a headlock, and Jackie delivered a punch directly to his nose. He flew back and Jade grabbed Jackie by the hand as Zhixin crashed into Kasahara in a tangled mess of limbs dragging behind the royal coach.
"I also told you not to exit cars through windows!" Jackie shouted at his niece over the howling winds just ahead of them.
"You also told me not to ride a horse without a saddle!" Jade replied. She let go of his hand and threw herself onto the back of the nearest storm spirit. With some quick work of her hands, she detached it from the reins, and the whole coach began to slow. The storm spirit, though, didn't appreciate the surprise, and began bucking and heaving beneath Jade as she desperately clung to its long neck.
Hak Foo screamed and leapt at Jackie with a cry of "Pegasus takes flight!", and Jackie, with expert timing, ducked and scored an uppercut on the thug's slimy belly. Hak Foo caught the side of the gold state coach with his lamprey arm's mouth and swung his gulper eel arm as it opened and closed its exceptionally wide mouth. "Python snaps its jaws!"
One lucky strike was all Hak Foo needed, and Jackie tumbled toward the thug's face. Hak Foo opened a mouth full of sharp, triangular teeth with serrated edges, and Jackie let out a cry of "BWAH!" as he tried to press himself away. Hak Foo's jaw actually widened, then slid forward, out of his face as his jaws snapped shut around the air where Jackie's head had just occupied.
"What was that?!" Jackie demanded, staring as the jaws moved back into place.
"Goblin shark jaws," Hak Foo bragged, his arm lifting Jackie over the street as they rushed by. "Lady Eris really does have such masterful creations!" Then, with a laugh, he tossed Jackie into the air and double-kicked him with his frog legs. Jackie let out a scream as he flew away, but landed, rather roughly, on the back of Jade's captured storm spirit, which bucked and whinnied even worse at the experience of a man flying directly onto its back.
"Faster!" Jackie ordered, and Jade dug her heels into the creature's neck. They were past Parliament Street now, and nearing Big Ben, the iconic clock tower stretching up in front of them like a huge, warning finger. The spirit whinnied, but sprinted even faster, making pace with the coach.
"Hey, that's my minion!" Eris protested. With a snap of the reins, she tried to steer into the Chans, but Uncle's car approached from behind, and they jumped onto the hood (or bonnet) just in time. The spirit was pulverized by Eris's own stolen vehicle, and disappeared into mists. "Squall!" the goddess screamed, a burning aura surrounding her as she tried to straighten her course - made even more difficult as a screeching fireball hit the street directly in front of the group just as they reached Big Ben.
Dressed in an immaculate white tuxedo, the Monkey King rose and dusted himself off, took a sip from a martini glass, and swept his staff across the street, holding back the entire group. "You only live twice," the capuchin clown said, in a ridiculously over-the-top fake accent. "Once when you're born, and once when you face me!"
"Out of the way!" Eris screamed as the coach barreled past the ape, the remaining three storm spirits struggling to drag the heavy load. The Monkey King obliged and leapt aside, flying onto the roof of the Uber.
"Well, Chans," he muttered, pulling a gun from his breast. "You may think that this is no time to die, but…"
"These aren't even good references!" Eris snapped, glaring at the Monkey King. "You're just shoehorning in movie titles!"
"Baby, you know these mooks don't deserve the good stuff!" the Monkey King whined, dropping the accent in favor of his own nasally tone. Jackie and Jade, ever the opportunists, slammed into him from either side, but the Monkey King just tumbled onto the open boot, planting his staff into the road and using it as a rudder. The car's tires squealed in protest as it narrowly made it onto Westminster Bridge, following the coach's tracks.
"Ai-yah!" Uncle screamed as he wrenched the wheel. "Crazy Sunday backseat monkey driver!"
"Par for the course in this town, really," came a familiar female voice from alongside the car. Uncle quickly jerked his head to the side, gasping at the sight of Vanessa Barone, keeping pace with them on a red Vespa. A block behind, a young cyclist was crying for its return. Vanessa ignored the poor boy and shot out her whip, latching it onto Uncle's steering wheel through the open window, further sending him skidding off-course. The car careened over, and Uncle's foot slammed onto the accelerator, speeding it up as it turned. The car crashed directly into the side of the royal coach and clearly got the worst of it, coming away with an enormous dent in the side. Eris's steeds weren't unaffected, however, letting loose their howling whinnies and sprinting over the side of the bridge, desperate to fly away from the chaos. Too bad for them, the coach was too heavy for them.
For just a moment, the coach hung in midair before plunging down. The equine spirits were dragged down with it, Eris screeching as she flew down with them. Hak Foo tried to seize the side of the bridge with his lamprey arm, but it couldn't hold so much weight, and it wasn't long before the suction detached with a sickening squelch. Zhixin and Kasahara, hopelessly tangled in the rear of the coach, went as well.
"I gotcha, Babycakes!" The Monkey King shouted, extending his staff in her direction. Unfortunately, it went right through Vanessa, knocking her over as well, and with her came the Uber. The Chans and the driver bailed just in time as the car went over the bridge, slamming into the coach as the whole load tumbled into the Thames.
"Finally that's over," Jackie sighed, only to yelp as Uncle delivered a two-finger strike to the back of his head.
"Ai-yah! Now sea god powers are sitting in the middle of the river!" Uncle snapped, glaring at his nephew. "One more thing! Most likely triggering emotion is resentment! There are some very resentful people down there with it!"
"There are some very resentful people up here, too," the Uber driver muttered. Jade reached for her phone and multiplied the driver's already astronomical tip by ten.
"We have to go down there, don't we?" Jackie groaned, shaking his head.
"Damn right!" Captain Lewis shouted as she and her troops made their way onto the bridge, still on horseback. "That coach is an irreplaceable piece of history, and holds ancient magicks to boot!"
"Who the heck are you furry bowling pins?" Jade asked, raising an eyebrow. One guard self-consciously patted his traditional headwear, but his face didn't move.
"They're the Royal Guard of Buckingham Palace!" Jackie gasped. "You know about the power of Poseidon?"
"Poseidon?!" Chief Lewis repeated "What do you mean, 'Poseidon'?"
"Now wait, I say, wait a darn minute, here!" came a familiar voice, now sporting an obnoxious Southern accent. As soon as they heard it, the Chans visibly stiffened, Jackie in particular getting a terrified look on his face. Slowly, they and the Royal Guard turned and gazed upon the Monkey King, now dressed in a white chicken suit. "Now what's all this I hear about Poseidon?"
"Um…nothing?" Jade said lamely, offering up a rather pathetic smile.
Down below, Eris's eyes widened. "Oh Tartarus," she muttered, before immediately switching back into her chiton. She grew an extra set of arms and grabbed her flailing minions, then ignited an explosion beneath her feet that shot her back onto Westminster Bridge.
"Now, are you saying, I say, are you saying that the essence of Poseidon is somewhere in that chariot? Nice boy, dumplin', but 'bout as sharp as a bowlin' ball," he added as an aside to Eris. He spun and changed costumes again, back to his original outfit. "Is that what Chan here's chasing you over?"
"Um, well…" Kasahara stammered, looking around frantically. His robe dripping wet, he shook himself like a dog to try and regain his powers. To his shock and dismay, Eris seemed not to be paying attention; being fully occupied with jamming her own arms down her throat and rummaging around like she was searching for loose change in her stomach.
Rather than look annoyed at Eris's seeming disregard, the Monkey King just stared at her with bulging, watery eyes. "Aw, she pulled that trick on our first date!" he simpered, his tail twisting into a heart shape. "Must be looking for something special to give her beau once I finally take out these wet blankets!"
Eris nearly gagged, then gave an inadvertent jerk and knocked the Monkey King backwards, sending him tumbling over the rail. Eris looked over her shoulder as she finally pulled a wet, slimy something from within her. "Wow," she commented as the Monkey King tumbled towards the Thames. "I actually didn't mean to do that!"
"Thanks, sweetums!" the Monkey King called back, just before he crashed in with a massive splash.
"Stop him!" Uncle yelled, and both Jackie and Jade charged, dropping off the side in pursuit. Jade got into cannonball position, but both of them were pulled back by the Royal Guards.
"Aww…" the young adventurer complained as she pulled herself up.
"We'll handle it," Chief Lewis assured. She gave a curt nod, and four of the guards lifted their staffs and shot their respective elements into the river below, making the water churn and bubble.
"Uh, boss," Vanessa said as she slid up next to Eris, facing the watchful eyes of the remaining guards. "Isn't this a good thing? I mean, even with what you told us, the Monkey King can't swim, right?"
"Yeah, he's born from stone, but he can't drown either," Eris growled, shaking stomach acid off the object she had retrieved. "Trust me, now that he knows what's at stake, we've only got one more card left to play."
"And if it fails?" Hak Foo asked.
"Then get ready to do something so stomach-churning that I can't even say it out loud," Eris said grimly. "Because after this, London Bridge won't just fall down, it'll be burnt!"
"Actually, this is the Westminster Bridge," Zhixin corrected.
"Metaphors, people!" Eris snapped. "Seriously, it's not hard!"
"None of you move a muscle!" Chief Lewis snapped. Most of the guards stood at attention as she walked to face the goddess of discord, leaving only the four who continued to attack the submerged Monkey King.
"What possessed you to free the Monkey King?" Jackie shouted, also marching up to Eris, only for Chief Lewis to swing her staff in front of his chest, stopping him cold.
"You are not to move, either, sir!" she snapped. "Nobody is going anywhere until we get all the facts!"
"Well, here's fact number one: I didn't free the guy!" Eris shouted, glaring at the two of them. "If I had any say in the matter, he'd be in a zoo where a buffoonish baboon like him belongs, eating bananas and flinging his poop! And fact number two: stop wasting your fire! You ain't gonna do anything to him like that!
"As if we'd ever buy that!" Jade scoffed. "Right Uncle?" she asked, only to pause as she saw Uncle's face twisted in thought. "...Uncle?"
"Magic burping lady is crazy, yes, but not stupid," Uncle mused, stroking his chin. "Monkey King is immortal, many times over, and known for legendary difficulty to trap. May be even more dangerous than goddess of discord. She may just be telling the truth."
"Well, let's not go nuts," Eris muttered, puffing out her cheeks in a petulant huff.
Just then, a huge geyser of water sprouted from the river, and the Monkey King landed roughly, right in the center of the group. He proudly held up a small gold-wrought trident, giving his usual toothy grin. "And there we go!" he declared cheerfully, his clothing shifting into a McDonalds uniform. "One trident with a creamy divine center!"
"Impossible!" Captain Lewis shouted, her eyes bulging. "The Royal Carriage is enchanted to be indestructible!" She winced as Uncle gave her one of his two-fingered strikes.
"Monkey King is divine being!" he shouted. "Of course he can overcome mortal magic!"
"You betcha, baby!" the Monkey King agreed, bouncing to his feet. "And speaking of divinity, I think it's time to take this baby out for a test drive!" Holding the trident aloft, his clothing shifted into a pink jacket-vest worn over a disturbingly tight white shirt, complete with tight purple pants and a fur codpiece. "By the power of Numbskull!" he shouted, his voice booming. "I HAVE THE POWER!"
To the Chans' shock, the trident actually responded to the reference, starting to glow with a muddy blue light. "But how?" Jackie gasped. "There's no emotional resonance!"
"Oh please, you think something like that would get in my way?" the Monkey King scoffed, his costume switching back into his normal clothing. "I'm the Monkey King, moron! I take what I want when I want it! And once I've chowed down on this fish finger, my baby and I are going to take you down and paint the town-"
"Oh for the love of me, just hand it over!" shouted Eris. As the Chans, the Royal Guards, and the Monkey King turned around, they saw that during the commotion, Eris and the Agents had managed to escape from the press of the crowd, and were now standing several feet back. The Goddess of Discord had one hand held out in front of her, while the other was behind her back.
"Huh?" the Monkey King asked, his voice confused. "What's with the hostility, baby?"
"I want that animus, that's what!" Eris snapped. "I didn't run around this city so you could swipe the prize out from under me!"
"Hey, hey, if that's how you feel, I'll just hand it over, sugar!" the Monkey King chortled, the glow around him dying down slightly. "Far be it from me to keep you from your vengeance? But can I ask one little thing?"
"What," Eris demanded, her tone ice-cold and cardboard flat.
"If I give it to you, will you give me a kiss?" the Monkey King asked, his outfit transforming into a sharp suit complete with spectacles. "I've always wanted to kiss a goddess."
For a moment, there was absolute silence, as everyone present simply stared at the Monkey King in disbelief. Seemingly unaware of the shift in atmosphere, he continued, "This is the part where you say, 'If you give me that power, I'll give you more than a-'"
"That tears it!" Eris screeched, stabbing her open hand in the Monkey King's direction. A colorless blast of energy fired from it, striking him directly in the chest. The second it hit, the beam solidified into the shape of a tube, turning the same shade of blue as the trident's glow.
"Ai-yah!" Uncle shouted, placing his hands to his face. "Magic burping lady is trying to steal essence!"
"B…but baby, why?" the Monkey King asked tearfully.
"Because I have had it up to here with you, that's why!" Eris snapped, comically stretching her free arm to five times its length. "First you show up out of nowhere when all I want is for you to be collecting termites at the bottom of someone's toy chest! Then you act like I'm some simpering damsel who needs you to fight her battles for her! And worst of all, you won't shut up with your stupid attempts at humor! It's just dumb, shoehorned references without any attempt to actually innovate or make genuine comedic statements! It didn't work for Seth MacFarlane and it doesn't work for you either!"
"But sweetums, you asked me to help!" the Monkey King protested, only for Eris to start poking him in the eye with a third hand, her other hand still being kept behind her back..
"I gave you a distraction after you barged into my home uninvited!" Eris screeched, her eyes glowing like burning coals. "Gods, no wonder you can't swim, it must be all the rocks in your head that bring you down!"
"You know where her hideout is?!" Jackie gaped.
"Look, I'm kinda in the middle of a relationship spat here, can we not do this now?" the Monkey King asked plaintively. Turning back to Eris, he began, "But schmoopsy-"
"No buts! I'm done with the pet names, and I'm done with you!" Eris interrupted, her extra hand moving to grab the Monkey King by the throat. "Now hand over that power and get the Tartarus - or Diyu - out of my life!"
For a moment, there was stunned silence, followed by Jade giving a low whistle. "Wow. I've seen bad breakups, but-"
"WE WERE NEVER DATING, YOU LITTLE BRAT!" Eris shouted, her mouth transforming into a bullhorn as she did. "I don't know what's worse: you thinking I'm dumb enough to free him, or that I have bad enough taste to go out with him!"
"And what's wrong with me?" the primate practical joker demanded. "We're birds of a feather, babe! Made for each other! Two forces of mayhem combined into the perfect storm!"
"Don't kid yourself!" Eris seethed. "I'm a primordial force of raw chaos, and you're a class clown. I'm Seabiscuit, and you're a bottle of glue. And even if I did want another trickster deity, it'd go Coyote, Anansi, Loki, Hermes, Discord from Friendship is Magic, Robin Goodfellow, Br'er Rabbit, and then maybe you!"
"Wait, all of those are real?" One of the Palace guards said, rubbing his chin. "How could-?"
"Don't think about it. Your brain will implode," Jade said, waving her hand dismissively.
"...okay, message received," the Monkey King growled, his eyes narrowing. "And I actually agree about Coyote. Coyote can get it. But if we're not dating, then I don't exactly have a reason to hand over this trident, do I? If I can't be with you, I might as well drown the British Isles along with my broken heart!"
"Oh, but you do have a reason," Eris said menacingly. "After all, you wouldn't want me to break this, would you?" she continued, pulling her other hand out from behind her back and revealing the mysterious object she had retrieved from her stomach. Finally clean of bile and miscellaneous fluids, it was revealed to be a small wooden monkey figurine with an eerily wide grin, its hands paused in mid-clap.
"...am I supposed to be intimidated?" Jade asked, confused. "What the heck is that supposed to be?"
The Monkey King, however, had a completely different reaction. As Eris revealed the toy, his eyes widened, his tail went completely rigid, and every hair on his body began standing on end. "Wha…when did you…?"
"I've been hanging onto this for centuries, just in case I ever needed it," Eris answered. "It was my only company in that urn, so I'm a little sad to see it go. But if you don't hand over that essence, then I suppose it'll be sayonara to this little chimp."
"No, you wouldn't!" the Monkey King shouted, his tone one of complete panic. "You'd give up the greatest prank in history just for this?"
"What is he talking about?" Jackie asked, looking between Eris and the Monkey King with abject confusion. "Uncle, do you know what's going on?"
"No…" Uncle muttered. "But little monkey toy has great magic inside it, both dark and divine."
"Allow me to provide some exposition, then," Eris said cheerfully, shifting her chiton into a blue vest. She pulled out a red bow tie and shiny set of glasses, and placed them both on. "Did it ever occur to you that this big ape's backstory didn't make a lick of sense? Sun Wukong achieved Buddhahood at the end of Journey to the West! How in the heck did he end up trapped in the form of a puppet?"
"Wasn't he sealed away by a chi wizard for causing mischief?" Jackie asked, tilting his head.
"Yeah, that doesn't add up either," Eris scoffed. "He may have been a prankster, but he got the malicious part slapped out of him long before his journey ended. And besides, there are too many inconsistencies! The reality warping, the improper appearance of his staff, the lack of some pretty crucial powers, it all adds up to one conclusion; that this bozo," she continued, pointing an accusing finger at the Monkey King, "ain't the real Monkey King!"
"What?" Jackie shouted, his eyes going wide.
"Huh?" Jade stammered, her jaw hanging open.
"Ai-yah!" Uncle screamed in horror, staring straight at the Monkey King.
"And that's how you do a reference properly!" Eris declared, her outfit returning to normal. "It needs to inform the joke, not be the joke, you two-bit hack!"
"Uncle, is she telling the truth?" Jackie asked, only for Uncle to turn to him with a haunted look.
"She…magic burping lady's argument makes sense," he answered, his tone filled with horror. "But how could Uncle never see it?"
"Yeah, that's the fault of this little whatchamacallit," Eris replied, idly tossing the monkey figurine up and down. "See, to make a long story short, once upon a time this pathetic little troublemaker came to me asking for help in playing a big ol' prank on the whole wide world, and this is the result," she continued, brandishing the toy. "As long as this little baby's intact, then it doesn't matter who you are or what you know. The world is tricked into thinking this bozo's the Monkey King, and your mind listens to it."
"But then how did you know?" Jade asked, only for Eris to blow a raspberry at her.
"Um, were you not paying attention? I made the spell, ding-dong! Besides, I said the world is fooled; divine beings ain't exactly of the world, now, are they?" she taunted, before turning the full force of her attention back at the so-called Monkey King. "But that didn't matter to him. All he cared about was that the Great Sage Equal to Heaven would be considered a laughingstock, a pathetic excuse for a comedian and a trickster, while his own shameful legacy would be cast aside. It was downright hilarious! But every joke has a punchline, and it's time for this one to wrap up."
"S…surely you can't be serious!" the Monkey King impostor muttered, his clothing flickering like he was trying to change his costume.
"Nuh uh, not doing that bit," Eris groaned, shaking her head. "Here's the dealio, baby. You hand over my uncle's essence, you get the heck out of my life, and you go find a dank hole to hide in until the world falls apart. Otherwise, I'm going to hit you with a fate worse than death," she said, her voice ice-cold. "Having to be yourself again. The choice is yours, 'Monkey King,' and the clock is ticking."
Everyone-the Chans, the guards, the Agents of Chaos, and even the Uber driver's-eyes raced back and forth between Eris and the so-called Monkey King like a match at Wimbledon. There was total silence, save for the lapping of water beneath them as the two divine tricksters stared each other down: one's gaze filled with steely determination, the other with panicked frenzy.
"I…" the Monkey King stammered, slowly starting to lower the trident. "I…"
"Are you going to just give up so easily?" demanded a surging, swelling voice in the primate's head. His hand flew to his temple in surprise. "I never would. Demand of these fools the respect you deserve! "
"But…but I've been the Monkey King for so long…" the deranged ape whispered. "I'd be giving up my greatest prank! I'd be giving up my revenge! I'd be giving up…me…"
"Your 'greatest prank' is surrendering your own fame and glory to spite another?" The voice demanded. "Join forces with me, and not even the Great Sage Equal to Heaven will be your equal!"
"Mixing pantheons like this…" the Monkey King impostor mulled, rubbing his chin. "It's risky…"
"Damn it, damn it, damn it!" Eris snapped, starting to pull on the cord of energy linking the two of them, but it was to no avail. The mini trident's glow had gone from a pale light to a full aura of deep teal. "Give me that essence now or I expose you for what you really are!"
"Let her!" Poseidon countered, his voice booming even louder inside the primate's head. "You've lived in the shadows of Sun Wukong for long enough! Now, reclaim your title, take my power, and remind them all why Liùěr Míhóu was one of the Monkey King's greatest foes!"
"You're right!" the manic monkey cried, baring his teeth. "Give me the powers of the ocean! I'll drown them all and make this realm my own!"
Both the Monkey King impostor and the remains of Poseidon roared with laughter as the teal light surrounded the trickster, completely obscuring him from view.
"That flea-bitten fool!" Eris screeched, slamming the monkey figurine to the ground. The second it hit the pavement, the fragile toy split into pieces, releasing a tremendous cloud of black vapor into the air. She then turned to the Agents and growled, "Let's get while the getting's good! Let these chumps clean up the mess!"
The Agents of Chaos put their hands in, and disappeared in a puff of rainbow-colored smoke, leaving only a graffiti apple on the pavement.
"Cowards!" Captain Lewis shouted into the air, spinning around wildly in search of them. "Guards, fire at will!"
As the guards began firing ineffectually at the teal figure of the imposer, Uncle turned to Jackie with a look of horror on his face. "If fake monkey is who Uncle thinks it is, then magic burping lady's 'cowardice' may well be genius," he said, his voice full of terror.
"Come on, Uncs," Jade muttered. "I mean, she said that the reality warping was part of the prank. How much worse can he be without it?"
"I think we're about to find out," Jackie replied.
The teal aura intensified into a blinding light, spreading outward and pushing the Chans and the guards to the very edge of Westminster Bridge. It died down just as fast, exposing the fearsome silhouette of the impostor, with a couple of notable differences: his staff had become a trident, his feet had become webbed, and, though subtle, the sides of his face had changed shape, with strange bumps on either side.
"Gills?" Jackie whispered, staring at the bumps, his eyes almost magically drawn to them.
"No," Uncle whispered in horror. "Ears!"
"What kind of freakshow are we dealing with here?" Jade asked, as the imposter began to grin.
"Oh, child, you have no idea," he said, his previously nasally tone replaced by a baritone as deep as the ocean floor. A huge wave soared upward from the Thames, crashing directly over the bridge. The Uber driver alone managed to sprint out of the way, making the smartest decision of her life by racing off into the distance without a backwards glance. The Chans grabbed onto each other for safety as they and the guards were sent violently crashing into the river below.
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"How long has this been going for?" Tremaine groaned, lying down against Tohru's enormous stomach. The chi wizard was currently sitting down going through his ingredients satchel, while Captain Black and Pigsy were playing some kind of dice game. The Eight Immortals had been arguing for what felt like hours, and they still didn't seem any closer to a consensus.
"And furthermore - eh?" the sword-wielding Immortal began, only to pause mid-sentence. "Did anyone else just-"
Before he could finish, a sound like a tremendous plane of glass shattering echoed throughout the hall, followed by a blaring red light and ear-piercing siren.
"What the heck?!" Tremaine shouted, jumping to her feet. "Are we under attack?"
"That alarm…Pigsy!" the lotus-wielder cried. "Check the status, now!"
"On it," the pig-man said with unusual seriousness, reaching into the pocket of his robe and pulling out a small scroll. As he unfurled it, he groaned in frustration. "Yep, it ain't a false alarm. We got big problems, ya know?"
"Can someone please explain what exactly is going on?" Captain Black demanded. "What does this alarm mean?"
"It means that a spell that has been in place for centuries has finally been dispelled," the flute-wielding Immortal said gravely. "It means that the demonic prankster you knew as the Monkey King has regained his true self. It means that the Six-Eared Macaque has returned!"
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PA2: Dun dun dun! How's that for a twist?
MP: Eh, I saw it coming.
PA2: *glares at MP* Moving on, so yeah, props to everyone in the reviews who got close to this one! Honestly, for a show ostensibly inspired by Chinese culture, Jackie Chan Adventures' take on the Monkey King is surprisingly inaccurate. So we figured, why not roll with it? And thus, this plotline was born!
MP: It was PA2 who suggested this twist, and we built the story from there. We realized soon just how well it worked.
PA2: Aw, you're making me blush! Besides, it wouldn't have been half as good without your help in getting the "Monkey King's" voice just right. Teamwork for the win!
MP: And you readers are part of the team, too! Remember to fave, follow, and especially review! And get ready for the next chapter, "Waterworld (Definitely Not That One)!"
PA2: Have a Happy New Year, everybody!