This is the first of three parts I wrote based around my friend Lonely-Ghost 606's AU where Crowfeather and Squirrelflight got together during the time of The New Prophecy. Similar to LeafCrow in canon, the two were planning on leaving the clans, but after Leafpool is injured in the badger attack, Squirrelflight couldn't bring herself to leave her sister. Crowfeather respected her decision.
...
Crowfeather hated gatherings.
It puzzled Windclan cats as to why, but he did. He was a cat that was sharp on his best days, but when those times when they were meant to meet under a truce with the fellow clans, Crowfeather always appeared worse than ever, ready to cut any cat who dared even speak to him.
Only one cat knew why he did, and that was his mate. Nightcloud was the one cat they hadn't seen him snap at. Or maybe she was the one who was the most understanding whenever he looked ready to snap. She was the one who would usher soft words into his ear that somehow made him calm down and respect the truce.
Not even their son could understand it.
At least it seemed different tonight. Crowfeather knew that he had to be calm. It was his son's first gathering.
Breezepaw had been keeping a stoic expression but his fur had jittered with excitement the whole way from Windclan. Nightcloud had smiled at the scene, nuzzling her kit's fur affectionately.
"Mum!" Breezepaw complained, shaking off her touch with embarrassment. "Other cats will see!"
"Oh, hush." Nightcloud uttered, nudging him forward. "No cat cares! Besides, I have a mother's right to be proud!" She smirked, ruffling his fur with her nose.
Breezepaw pulled away again, but not without a small laugh of delight.
A few steps behind, Crowfeather watched on in amusement. He of all cats knew that Breezepaw was not one to be openly happy, even on a good day. But Nightcloud had a way of breaking through his invisible barriers. Perhaps she was the only cat who could do that. If Breezepaw were to catch Crowfeather's eye now, the young cat would almost certainly go back to glowering.
Which was proven as Breezepaw's good mood did transform into a cautious glare when he looked back at his father.
Crowfeather tried to give his son an encouraging look.
It must not have looked good; Breezepaw turned away again, determined to ignore Crowfeather's presence.
Crowfeather sighed. Was Breezepaw still angry about that morning? Crowfeather had just been trying to correct his son's hunting techniques, but he had just gotten more and more frustrated as the rabbit heard him and dashed away every time. Crowfeather had tried to be helpful in pointing out the young cat's mistakes, but Breezepaw had decided that it was the fault of his father's 'terrible advice'. The tom's temper was as delicate as a robin's wing. Admittedly, Crowfeather may have been a little too flippant in scolding the young cat, but it was only because his son had struck a nerve.
After all, it wasn't Crowfeather's hunting advice he had mocked.
Breezepaw had apologised later, but only on the instructions of his mother. It was clear he didn't mean it, not that his parents expected him to.
Nightcloud glanced back at Crowfeather gently. "Just let him calm down." She mouthed to her friend.
Crowfeather nodded back at her stiffly. He felt his fur prickle as the chorus of cats became clearer along the distance. He could smell his clan intermingling with the different corners of the forest, pungent with the aroma of the other clans. Breezepaw must have noticed it too, as his head craned up in excitement.
"Come on!" He sprang forward into the clearing. His parents looked on, it wasn't so far now
"Hey, wait for me, rabbit-brain!" Crowfeather looked back to see Heatherpaw chasing after the dark apprentice. Breezepaw did wait for his friend, coyly anticipating a race and then the two rushed off towards the beach.
Nightcloud laughed tenderly, slowing down in her pace to walk besides her mate. "See? He's too excited to really be angry." She mewed. "Just wait until tomorrow and he will have forgotten all about earlier."
"Until next time." Crowfeather said dryly. Soon enough, he knew he would be arguing with his son again.
"Crowfeather." Nightcloud said pointedly.
"I know, I know." Crowfeather rubbed his tired eyes with his tail. "Keep a straight face, I know it. But I don't hear you denying it."
"You just have to be patient with him." Nightcloud purred.
Crowfeather raised his brow. "Have I not?"
"Not enough for him."
Crowfeather rolled his eyes. He'd have to wait a long time then, it seemed.
"I saw that." Nightcloud's voice lowered, her eyes narrowing. Crowfeather felt a guilty churn in his stomach. He was already breaking his promise. Nightcloud deserved better than that.
"I'm trying, Nightcloud. I don't mean to be curt. I just get-"
"I know, Crowfeather." Within a breath, Nightcloud's voice was close to a purr again. "Believe me, I understand." And she did, that was something Crowfeather alone knew. It often baffled Crowfeather how she could act like nothing was bothering her at every gathering. How could she be so strong when he still found it so hard after moons? "But please, try to keep it together, for Breezepaw's sake." She said, gingerly rubbing her pelt against Crowfeather's. "Even if he doesn't show it, he really does want to see you proud of him tonight."
Crowfeather's eyes flashed, "I am proud of him!" That wasn't a lie. His son was already an apprentice; how could he not feel proud?
"Well you make sure he knows that then." Nightcloud enunciated, giving her mate a strong smile. Her pink eyes glittered kindly under the full moon.
Crowfeather almost felt stupid that he wasn't in love with her.
Still, it wasn't like she loved him either. Not in that way.
She had her kit though. And she loved him more than anything. Crowfeather had helped her get the kit she loved so dearly. That was always going to be their bond, and it was still strong despite how their hearts were set on other cats.
Nightcloud was happy enough with the situation, as much as she could be anyway. Crowfeather envied that.
"I'll do what I can." Crowfeather promised. He still didn't think it would be enough. Nightcloud smiled at his answer though.
"Thank you."
Crowfeather may have continued, but the scents of other cats suddenly wafted around him as if to smother his muzzle. The shape of the island loomed in the distance, soon Crowfeather would find his paws near that familiar place. He could smell every clan in the air.
One was stronger to him than the others.
One that made his eyes drift down and his back arch. He was good at hiding it by now, but Nightcloud always noticed it. "Steady." She purred, resting her tail on his flank.
Crowfeather muttered a brief thanks to her. A shame crawled over him, it had been moons, he should have been strong enough to get past it by now.
She certainly had.
Soon enough, the two dark cats had found their way to the beach. Cats chattered around them, from new apprentices to cats who were a moon from becoming elders. Crowfeather looked up mildly at Onestar who sat next to Firestar on the tree branch. It would begin soon.
"Crowfeather!"
The grey cat turned, his mood relaxing a little as a familiar tortoiseshell strode up to him. He nodded as friendly as he could. "Tawnypelt." He could feel more comfortable around cats he had spent a significant time in his youth with. "How are things in ShadowClan?"
The ShadowClan cat nodded to her friend. "Well, thank you." She looked over to the black molly beside him. "Nightcloud," She nodded politely, which the Windclan molly returned. "Are you doing well?"
"Just fine." Nightcloud mewed, flashing a genial grin. "It's my son's first gathering!"
Tawnypelt beamed, "Really?"
"Yes!" Nightcloud pointed her tail towards where Breezepaw sat talking with Heatherpaw and two other young cats. His fur was on edge, looking up at the leader's tree with unmissable elation.
"He looks strong." Tawnypelt chirped, casting Crowfeather a sly look. "He must have gotten that from his mother. This one was as scrawny as a mouse tail."
Crowfeather rolled his eyes as the two mollies laughed. "Ha ha." He mimicked tonelessly.
"Oh, cheer up. You'll have all the time to mock me soon." Tawnypelt meowed, a grin turning onto her muzzle. "I'll be looking a little bigger by next moon."
Crowfeather's ears perked up and Nightcloud's tail curled in glee. "Oh, Tawnypelt! You're expecting!"
Tawnypelt's smile confirmed it. "I am!"
Crowfeather couldn't stop his jaw from dropping. Even though Tawnypelt had already been a Warrior when they had journeyed to their new home, it just struck Crowfeather then how much she too had changed since then. Luckily for the better. She had found love and a good place in ShadowClan. "That's… wonderful." Crowfeather managed to say.
"Congratulations!" Nightcloud cried, pressing her nose against the cat's pelt. "How has Rowanclaw taken it?"
"Oh, he's just over the moon." Tawnypelt said, flicking her tail in amusement. "He hasn't left me alone for days! Always on alert, checking my prey for me like I'm already in the nursery!"
Nightcloud chuckled, "At least you've found yourself a good tom, then." Even though Tawnypelt didn't see it as the two mollies continued to talk, Crowfeather noticed the small wilt of sadness that dimmed Nightcloud's eyes.
Crowfeather felt a stab of pity. He could see her quickly looking over to where a certain medicine cat sat, who was trying just as hard as to look like she wasn't meeting Nightcloud's gaze.
Eventually, Nightcloud took the time to seize her moment. "I think I'll go talk with Leafpool before the gathering starts." She'd become so good at saying that name like it was nobody special to her. She offered a quick nod to Tawnypelt, "It was nice to talk to you, Tawnypelt. Congratualtions, again." She waited for Tawnypelt's farewell before striding over to the medicine cat.
The two met with the same sad, loving gaze. They sat close as they talked, occasionally 'accidentally' rubbing their tail against the other. it was all they could hope for.
It was another reason Crowfeather admired Nightcloud. She took every chance she could. She didn't just sit in the shadows thinking about what she should have done and regretting every action she didn't take.
Tawnypelt was right. Breezepaw probably did get his strength from his mother.
Crowfeather was about to turn back to talk to Tawnypelt some more when his nostrils flared again.
That clan scent came back, approaching.
Hastily, he turned to it, and his stomach coiled. The Thunderclan deputy was padding up to meet his sister. Crowfeather had history with him as well. He wished it was better.
"Tawnypelt!" Brambleclaw exclaimed, rubbing up against his sister, a deep purr rumbling in his throat. His amber eyes caught sight of the grey cat and, while he remained smiling, Brambleclaw became a little more stiff. "Crowfeather." He greeted.
"Brambleclaw." Crowfeather mustered curtly.
"Have your responsibilities caused you to go mad yet?" Tawnypelt jibed, smirking at her brother.
Brambleclaw seemed to forget his awkwardness. "Unfortunately for you, I think I'm handling it pretty well."
"Well that settles it. Hedgehogs will be flying soon."
"Yes, go ahead and laugh; don't hurt yourself though." Brambleclaw turned to Crowfeather. "Has she told you yet?"
Crowfeather kept his composure settled. "Yes, it's… very good news."
"Isn't it?" Brambleclaw beamed, rubbing against his sister affectionately. "You're going to be an amazing mother."
Crowfeather could agree with that. He still remembered how protective of the group Tawnypelt had been during the journey. When it came to her kits, Crowfeather had no doubt that they would become respected members of ShadowClan.
"I certainly hope so." Tawnypelt said, a rare vulnerability in her tone. "I'm still getting used to the fact that it's actually going to happen."
Brambleclaw gave her a kind look. "That's normal. I was scared stiff when I found out I was going to be a father, as well."
Crowfeather's ears flattened against his skull and his stomach churned like it was full of poison. Keep calm. Keep calm. Keep calm. His mind roared at him; he couldn't afford to show any weakness, he couldn't act like he cared. No matter how much he did. The ground around his feet became cold and the scent of Thunderclan became stronger in his mind, raking through him like a hawk's talons.
"But before you know it, they'll be apprentices at their first gathering." Brambleclaw finished with a proud chuff. "Just like mine."
The air was suddenly colder than before. Crowfeather was struck still, staring at his own paws, claws sinking, clenching into the ground. If he faced anyone, they would see his expression, and someone would notice something was wrong.
Brambleclaw's kits.
Her kits.
It shouldn't have been so surprising. Every cat already knew that the Thunderclan deputy had children by this point. It was something his remembered clearly from the last gathering. The news had spread through the clans like wildfire. Crowfeather visibly remembered having to hold himself up as Firestar confirmed the news.
Had she felt the same way when Onestar had revealed Crowfeather's kit to the clans?
He hoped she hadn't. It was a selfish paradox; he wanted her to be happy more than anything. Another part of him, hidden and dark, wanted something else. He was a fool. It was him who had suggested they never speak again when she stayed with her clan to look after her sister. He had no right to feel this way.
"Really now?" Tawnypelt said with a smirk, "Well that makes two of you then!" She piped, looking coyly at Crowfeather.
Brambleclaw followed her gaze, "Oh, it's your son's first gathering as well." His tone was friendly enough, but the artificial tang clicked on his tongue.
Crowfeather forced himself to meet the ton's eyes. No weakness. It didn't matter. As long as he told himself that, he could move past it. Just another meeting between old friends. That was all it was to them, it had to be the same for him. He craned his head upwards, keeping firm. "Yes it is."
"Good!" Brambleclaw didn't pursue it further. "Hopefully he's caught the better aspects of his father."
"From what I've seen, he has." Tawnypelt added, nudging Crowfeather good naturedly.
Crowfeather made a small sound that resembled the beat of a laugh. "I certainly hope so." He said stiffly. He flicked his tail in Brambleclaw's direction. "I'll hope the same for yours." He added with a dismissive twitch of his ear.
Maybe it was too cold. He didn't really care.
The memory of how little they'd gotten on during the journey looked to come back, as Brambleclaw's eyes burned silently. He remained jovial though, he couldn't bite back. Like Crowfeather, he had to take it as a cut of friendly banter.
"I wouldn't worry about it." Brambleclaw assured. The three cats noticed the storm of voices beginning to quell around them. They looked up and saw the leaders preparing themselves. "Well it's about to begin. I'll have to get going." Brambleclaw rubbed up against Tawnypelt once more. "I'll speak to you guys later." He finished, strolling away to the roots where the other deputies sat.
"I better get back to my clan." Tawnypelt mewed, pressing her tail against Crowfeather's. She left him with another smile. "Until next time!" She piped, racing back to her clan.
Crowfeather called a goodbye after her, then paced over to where his own clan had begun to gather. He just wanted to get this done. He'd had enough pleasantries for one night. Amid his clan, he found Nightcloud. She sat behind Breezepaw patiently, a gentle smile on her face. Crowfeather felt his chest rush with warmth. At least she'd been able to spend some good time with her.
He sat down next to her. "Are you alright?" He whispered.
Nightcloud responded with a simper. "As well as I can. She's doing really well."
"That's good." Crowfeather purred gently. Nightcloud looked at him gratefully, her fur rising with relish.
"Shh!" Breezepaw sibilated, glaring at his parents. "It's about to start!"
Nightcloud chuckled deep in her throat. "Okay okay, bossy-pelt." She scoffed, placing her tail over her lips playfully. Despite himself, Breezepaw smiled a little. Crowfeather inwardly shook his head; how was she so good with him? He did silence himself though as Onestar's voice called above the dimming voices, calling for the gathering to begin.
It went as normally as expected. All was well in Riverclan. The same in ShadowClan, though Blackstar of course took every opportunity he could to spite Firestar about a piece of land. At least nothing came from it. All throughout though, Crowfeather saw his son beginning to rise as Windclan's turn approached, his fur prickling with anxious confidence.
Crowfeather felt a sympathetic rush for his son. He remembered this well. He still remembered how he'd felt at his first gathering. He'd been excited surely, but his nervousness had been indescribable. Ashfoot had been there to cheer him on, but Crowfeather could still picture himself hardening with hurt as he realised that Deadfoot would never be there to see it in the flesh.
Not that Crowfeather had expected he'd cheered anyway.
Words from long ago sparked in his memories.
He shook away those thoughts. He didn't have time to waste on that. He needed to be for Breezepaw what Crowfeather had missed in his youth. Even if Breezepaw rejected it, Crowfeather knew it would mean something. It had to.
"This last moon has been kind to Windclan." Onestar announced, his voice carrying an authority Crowfeather one day wished to gain. "We have one new apprentice this moon." The leader's eyes glinted over the branch, staring down at the young cat with a noble honour. "Breezepaw."
Breezepaw lifted his chin high, soaking in the stares of every cat, taking in their silent judgement. Crowfeather rose his brow in astonishment. His son wasn't even phased a little by the attention of the entire forest. He relished it actually. Whether or not if was a brave face, Crowfeather didn't just have to look proud anymore. His chest burned with respect for his son. Not even he had managed to look so strong under a thousand eyes. He looked up absently, feeling a twist of relief as he saw the pride reflected in Onestar's eyes. Nothing was a greater compliment for an apprentice than seeing that look from your leader.
Crowfeather didn't notice he was smiling until Breezepaw had turned around and ,for the first time in a while, looked genuinely surprised. As Onestar carried on, the young cat stared up at his father like it was for the first time.
Crowfeather wanted to say something, but the rules of the gathering meant that would have to wait.
So he settled on a slow nod.
Breezepaw gazed back for a long while, and even though he didn't smile, eventually he nodded back. There was a rare gentleness in his eyes.
Crowfeather could feel Nightcloud's bliss beside him. He could smile at his 'mate' and know it wasn't forced.
For the first time in a while, Crowfeather felt a small peace.
And of course, it faltered as soon as it came.
Onestar turned to give Firestar the opportunity to speak next. The orange cat leant forward on the branch, levelly addressing the crowd. "Thunderclan is fortunate to announce we have three new apprentices this moon."
Crowfeather's smile dropped with his gaze. He didn't want to look. Not at them. Not at her.
"They are all here tonight!" Firestar called on, his voice raising with pride. "Lionpaw, Jaypaw and Hollypaw!"
He felt the cats around him turn to look at the named cats. So those are their names… Crowfeather felt his teeth grit in frustration, but he found himself feeling disgusted by his actions. If he wanted to move on, he needed to face it. They were the kits she loved, and he knew she wasn't cowardly enough to hide when Breezepaw's name had been announced.
She deserved the same from him.
Just look at them and that's it. He reasoned. They deserved that much. Maybe, in it's own stupid way, it would make things easier. Then he could go back to Windclan and maybe not feel that stinging regret as frequently as he did.
Slowly, Crowfeather opened his eyes and glazed them over to where the others looked.
He saw them. Three young cats, not one as openly confident as Breezepaw had been. A tom with golden fur had his head raised up, but the perceptible tremor in his tail spoke his uneasiness. Next to him, a small light grey tom kept his gaze to the ground, hiding away from the stares, a small frown on his muzzle. Lastly, a molly, the only one who looked genuinely happy at the attention. She puffed her small chest out, her black fur shining under the full moon.
Crowfeather turned away with a breath of relief. Okay, it was done. He'd seen them. That was all he needed to…
Wait. Crowfeather's eyes shot open again. Black fur?
He looked back at them again, trying not to look suspicious. Had he seen correctly? Black fur? As far as he knew, neither of her parents had a hint of darkness in their family history. Yet, she was there, ebony fur as obvious as the night. Come to think of it…
Crowfeather's wide eyes whisked around the area, searching frantically. But he couldn't find more. In all the clans, there were only three cats with fur that dark. Nightcloud, Hollypaw, and himself. Even as he ran through the memories of his youth, the only other cat he could think of was his own father.
Crowfeather felt his claws rake across the ground like it was his own mind. A cloud was overshadowing him. An idea that made him look closer at the other two.
Lionpaw certainly took after his mother, but when Crowfeather examined Jaypaw a little more closely, a series of things struck out like thorns. His lanky body which stood on strong, defined legs, and eyes that, while clouded, were a clear glistening blue. Crowfeather's breathing paced, his vision spinning a little like he was being dragged under a river.
Not one kit had taken any of Brambleclaw's likeness.
The ghost of a night loomed in Crowfeather's widening eyes. The last night that he had ever felt anything like peace.
No. No, they couldn't be. She would have… Surely, she would have told me if what I think is…
He had to be wrong. It had to be a misunderstanding. It was too far gone at this point to do anything.
His gaze refocused as he found her.
She still glowed in the night. A joyful smile on her muzzle as she stared down at the kits. When Firestar moved on to other matters, het attention only remained on her father. A small doubt crawled down Crowfeather's fur. If she wasn't phased at all, he must have been wrong. She wasn't even looking in his direction-
Not once had her gaze drifted anywhere near Windclan. Crowfeather's throat tightened. She almost looked stiff as she ignored him.
Crowfeather's breathed in heavily, ignoring when Nightcloud tried to whisper to him to ask what was wrong. He could only focus on one thing. He wanted, and would get, answers.
When the gathering finally ended. Crowfeather turned back to Nightcloud, apology soft in his face. "Sorry. You go on ahead, I won't be long."
The dark molly frowned, but her eyes glistened with worry. "Why? What is it?"
"I just need to say something to some cat."
"Who?"
Cowfeather was firm. "Squirrelflight." It felt strange saying her name again.
Nightcloud's face dropped, the pity of a thousand past conversations darkening her expression. "Why?" She mumbled, tiredness and pity straining her voice.
It probably went against the trust he had built with her, but Crowfeather couldn't bring himself to tell her what he was thinking. "There's just something I need to ask her."
Nightcloud sighed, understanding and frustration mixed. "Crowfeather-"
"Please." Crowfeather didn't notice his voice growing more desperate, twisting into a frailty that didn't suit him. It might have been for that very reason that Nightcloud relented, chewing on her lip, then groaning as she turned away.
"Okay." Nightcloud's voice was soft and caged. "But come home soon."
Crowfeather wanted to thank her but she had already turned away, saying her own goodbyes to the cats around her. His heart throbbed, but he didn't have time to waste.
He weaved himself through the cats, doing all he could to look natural as he approached the area where Thunderclan was beginning to break away. Some cats cast him funny looks but no one intervened. His chest pounded as he searched through the clowder. For that ginger fur. He finally saw her waiting with her kits as Brambleclaw spoke with Firestar by the roots of the tree.
He quietly approached the molly, her back still towards him. Crowfeather felt a part of him urge him to flee, to respect what they had promised, to never let that pain return. Walking was like running his paws through a stream of tar, primal nature holding him back with every breath. But by the time he was ready to run, he was just behind her.
And then her ear twitched.
And then she turned around.
Blue met green.
Their eyes were linked for the first time in moons.
It took all the strength Crowfeather had to not lose himself in the knowledge that he was face to face with her. He forced himself to say what he needed to say. "We need to talk." He said quietly, his gaze going downward again as he realised what he had broken by even speaking to her. "Meet me at the usual spot."
And then he stalked away. Quickly, before her kits could notice anything wrong. And even swifter still so he wouldn't lose his nerves because of how happy he was to see her again.
He began his way to the border, covering himself in the shadows as his clan made their way back to their dens. He wavered along the path, making sure to miss the areas where the moonhigh patrol would be lurking.
That wasn't an issue. He'd practiced it enough in the past. And he was sure that she would remember how to make it there as well.
For a moment, Crowfeather felt the question of whether she would turn up at all. But it passed by his next breath; he knew she would. He would have done the same if she had come to him. Then again, he had nothing to hide.
Crowfeather let out a jagged groan. He didn't want to believe what he thought, not because of what it meant for those kits, but because it rose the question of why she had never told him.
Surely she trusted him like he still trusted her…
Right?
He had to hope.
…
Crowfeather paced back and forth, muttering to himself as his pelt began to prickle with impatience. It had gotten to the time of night where he knew every cat except the patrols would be asleep. The wind raced in an icy breeze at this time of night, and the moon glowed brighter than ever before, shining of off Crowfeather's smooth fur.
Where is she? Crowfeather growled to himself. He sniffed at the air, but it offered no help. Her scent was nowhere, the wind blew towards Thunderclan territory; he could only hope that meant his scent would reach her faster.
That was if she was even coming. Crowfeather shook his fur down to his tail, partly to keep warm, partly to keep his thoughts away. She had to be coming! If not for him, then for herself! Squirrelfight couldn't just ignore him if he was right in his assumptions.
Or maybe he really was mistaken after all.
The Winclan cat sighed, casting stream into the night. Did she even remember this place at all? Or had those nights of meeting just vanished from her memory? She might have even stumbled across a Windclan patrol; that thought made Crowfeather cringe with dread. Fox-dung, I'm not helping myself here!
No. The area was indistinguishable. On the west side of the border between Thunderclan and Riverclan was a patch of the forest where the trees clouded over like wisps of dark smoke. Not even the moon could trace its light through the army of thick branches. Patrols kept clear of the place normally, sticking to the line between the two clans.
Crowfeather knew the place well.
When they'd first found their new home, it was the only place they'd been able to meet without fearing being discovered.
The tom felt his pelt chill at the memories. He had done everything he could to keep them at bay, but he still found himself failing, and now it was stronger than ever. He rose his whiskers to the shadowy tops of the trees, its leaves stretched around the air like claws, abandoning him in the murky darkness.
The wind changed, slashing Crowfeather's face with a burst of cold air. The tom grit his teeth at the freezing grip that raked across his muzzle.
Inside that grip was a different aroma. A familiar fragrance of forest wildflowers. Floral, but sharp.
Crowfeather's heart rose and sank at the same time.
He stared into the shadows, heart pounding harder than it had in forever, trying to remain stoic as he saw two emerald orbs peer through the dark blanket. They grew closer as her paws were now audible through the hiss of the wind, swaying her fur like a forest blaze.
She was there. Retreading the path from so long ago.
Squirrelflight didn't look straight at him. Her expression was thin and hard, hiding away any semblance of emotion. Her stomach twisted with every step. I shouldn't be doing this. But she knew that was wrong. She knew she should have expected this.
She stopped when she felt she was within a tail-length of him. Her whiskers twitched and her face broke a little. Heather and rain… The air of windclan. Him.
When she spoke it was without any power. "So, what did you want to say?" As if she didn't know.
She could hear his face change. He sighed gruffly. "Did anyone see you leave?"
Squirrelflight shook her head. "No. Th-They were asleep when I left. I'm certain they didn't hear me." She had waited long enough, watching her kits snoring softly for a few minutes before she had been 'comfortable' enough to make her way. "I didn't see any patrols, so I don't think they saw me. What about you?"
"I came here after the gathering. No one will be coming now."
Squirrelflight nodded, but her pelt prickled with tension. "So, again, what did you want?" She still wasn't looking at him.
The air somehow wasn't as cold as the silence that followed.
"It's about your kits." Crowfeather's voice changed into something low, something that made Squirrelflight's insides clench. Not with fear, but with guilt.
"Yes." Squirrelflight said in a small murmur.
Another silence struck the pair, harsher than before; Crowfeather's breathing became heavier.
"I'm right, aren't I?" Crowfeather croaked. "About what I think?"
Quick to the point, just like always.
Did she even have to ask what it was he thought?
Squirrelflight suddenly felt weaker. She'd been able to mask away everything for so long, from so many cats. But in front of him, she had faltered somehow. He could see everything just by looking at her.
Or should she have expected that from him.
After all, she could tell from his voice that he wasn't angry. He just sounded distraught, betrayed.
They knew each other too well.
There was no hiding it now. It was time to old bones to resurface.
"I-I wanted to-"
"Squirrelflight." She found her breath shaking as he said her name. Crowfeather's voice was cutting, but it was also pleading. "Look at me."
The Thunderclan molly kept still, only looking at her twitching paws. She didn't want to look up. She wanted her memories of him to be what she had cherished, only fragments of what she longed for but could never have without ruining everything they had worked to forget. If she faced him now, he wouldn't just be a memory of a smiling cat she loved. He would be as different as she had become and everything…
Everything would be real again.
With her eyes to the floor, they squeezed shut, blocking away the idea. "I can't." She hated how she sounded. Squeaking like a kit. She was meant to be strong, but Crowfeather knew something that placed her in his paws. With just a few words he could ruin everything around her.
"Yes you can." Crowfeather's voice was closer. Squirrelflight involuntarily shivered as he padded closer to her. For a moment, she wondered if it was still possible to run far away from the cat, back to the safety of her den and her kits. Once again sleeping away the hurt.
It was momentary, though. Even when she could feel him in front of her, she can't run away. She wouldn't do that to him. He wasn't the one who needed to come clean after all.
"Look at me and tell me the truth!" Crowfeather's tone was gruff but Squirrelflight heard it; the brief crack, the faintest tremble. She recognised it from a distant memory. It was that that made Squirrelflight drag her head towards his eyes.
Behind the hard glare were blue pools rippling with desperation and hurt.
This had never been what she'd wanted when she'd dreamt about seeing him again.
"Squirrelflight." Crowfeather's brow creased, his tail slipping down against the floor. It clearly hurt him as much as her to meet like this. "Please, just tell me." Squirrelflight can't escape his next words. "Are…Are they ours?"
She still had the chance to get away, didn't she? All she had to do was say no and he couldn't prove her wrong. No matter who he told they couldn't call her a liar. Thunderclan would certainly not believe him over the deputy's mate. Things could go back to normal if she just denied it.
But denying meant carrying on like this. Living the icy way she had for moons, and this time he would be dragged into it further than before.
So she spoke. Condemning and freeing herself all at once.
"Yes. They're your kits." It was more simple to say than she'd thought. She felt as if a lion had freed her from its jaws, yet blood would seep from the scars for eternity.
They stared at each other for the longest second of her life. The wind mockingly slowed in its assault on the pair, leaving her words to corrupt the serene night.
Crowfeather's head drew back, his eyes were wide as if he were dazed. His fur spiked as he sat down on his haunches. Squirrelflight felt herself take a step towards him but she held herself back from reaching out her paw.
A deep rumble left his throat, dripping with confused anger. "Does anyone else know?"
"Nobody." Squirrelflight replied.
"Not even Brambleclaw? Your family?" Squirrelflight cringed at the mention of her 'mate'.
"No cat knows. I told everyone they were Brambleclaw's." She could still feel how much she had disgusted herself when she saw how happy the tom had been. She'd known that he'd liked her from afar, she thought she might have been able to do something good by letting him believe they were his. And it would keep peace between the clans.
Stupid. She hadn't stoked the fire, she'd just covered it with leaves.
Crowfeather exhaled tightly, the fur on his neck prickling. "So you've been lying to us all for that long?" He said, seething.
Squirrelflight looked up hopelessly, her heart breaking more and more at his words. "I didn't know what else to do! If I'd told everyone our kits were half-clan they would have been exiled! I didn't want that for them, and after how we promised we'd never speak again, I thought it would be best to raise them as Thunderclan kits!"
Crowfeather scowled up at her, "Oh, so the fact that you could have been exiled had nothing to do with it?" He hissed accusingly.
The ginger cat's head sank down, "Of course that was a part of it." She wouldn't lie, not anymore. "I was terrified. But…" She glanced back up at him pathetically, "I was worried about you as well."
The grey cat looked away from her, his eyes narrowed in distrust.
"I promise that's the truth. When the battle with the badgers had ended, I'd heard rumours everywhere that you were about to become Deputy, that you'd…" She took a deep breath, horribly hiding the pain from her voice. "That you'd found a mate… I didn't want to ruin all of that for you. I thought that you'd be happier this way."
She knew in her heart she wasn't lying. Yes, she had done it partly to protect herself, but she'd been set on protecting the reputation of her kits and Crowfeather. They had always been what she'd wanted to preserve the most.
"Happier?" Crowfeather's breath caught, his head twisting to meet her. His eyes glowed with blue fire. "You couldn't have even told me?! You couldn't have just let me know that I had three kits that didn't even know I existed?!" His voice rose furiously but his glare began to soften.
Squirrelflight didn't blink away the tears as they pricked the corners of her eyes. "I'm sorry. B-But you already had a mate and son to worry about, I didn't want to-"
"Squirrelflight," Crowfeather cut in, "Nightcloud doesn't love me."
Squirrelflight's mouth hung, her eyes growing wide. "W-What?"
Crowfeather sighed, his eyes heavy with exasperation. "Nightcloud is…she's like us." Squirrelflight felt her breath leave her completely. Crowfeather looks up with eyes that share her exhaustion. "Just a cat trying to make the best out of a terrible situation. The only cat she loves in Windclan is our son."
Did Squirrelflight have the right to have her heart soften at his words? This surely wasn't the time to feel any kind of relief.
Besides, even if she had known that, would it have changed anything then?
Squirrelflight hardened again when she realised the answer. She turned away again. "Even so, I didn't want to bother you. We promised each other that we would end this."
"How could it end when there were three kits that came from it?" Crowfeather's whiskers twitched irritably.
"I had to lie, for them! They didn't have to suffer as well because of our mistakes!"
The silence that followed made Squirrelflight realise that something was wrong.
"You think we were a mistake?" Crowfeather's voice was dangerously soft.
Squirrelflight's pelt spiked in horror as she reheard her words in her mind. Crowfeather's face was shadowy, but she could see the trembling blue. "No!" She yowled, pacing towards him, without thinking. "I didn't mean it like that!" Standing in front of him, her heart ached at the pain in his expression. "I just- I was just terrified for them! They shouldn't be shunned by the clans because of their parents!"
Crowfeather stood their, his tail shaking with thought. Squirrelflight was now doing everything to hold herself together, she hated seeing him like this, she hated that this was now what had become of them. She just wanted-
"Did you not tell me," Crowfeather spoke faintly, "Because you didn't trust me?"
The hurt in his voice could have killed her.
She squeezed her eyes shut tighter. She used to pride herself on her control over her own tears. These are hers to command, and now they're threatening to unlatch from her nerves.
She looked at him again, at the confusion in his face, and she wanted to touch him. She wanted to mimic the memories that glowed in her dreams. Her paw on his. His head against hers. Laughter. Crying.
But it had been so long, their contact was dry and unwatered, and she didn't have the strength to tend to it anymore.
She missed that part of herself so much.
But she could still speak, her tongue could still set things right. He deserved that much at least!
"Crowfeather." She moved closer to him, maybe just a whisker from their noses touching. She made sure that her voice was solid, he needed to hear this. No mistakes. "You know, after everything that happened, after everything we did, that there is no way I couldn't trust you."
He blinked at her, exhaling softly. "Do you regret what we did?"
"Don't be a mouse-brain." She scolded gently. "I love those kits more than life itself. I'm scared for them all the time, but I never have regretted having them. And," The air around them slowed. Was it possible to hear the stars twinkling? "I wish things could have been different every day of my life. I should have told you a long time ago."
Crowfeather had lost the coldness he had kept up for moons, he looked gentle, soft, close to the cat she knew so well. "Then why didn't you tell me? I could have helped you somehow!"
Squirrelflight laughed sadly, "How?" He couldn't have helped her, and if he had gotten hurt doing so, Squirrelflight would have never forgiven herself.
Crowfeather stumbled for breath, groaning in frustration. "I don't know!" He sniffed, "I could have, like, left you some prey on the border, let them meet Breezepaw or something!" Squirrelflight sighed, that was right, they had a half-brother now. "We could have worked together, however we could have!" Crowfeather snapped. She knew he didn't mean to sound angry, it was just what he was like when he was upset.
Squirrelflight sighed again, looking down. "I know you would have, but I just didn't want to make you worry as well." Her green eyes dimmed on her paws. "I thought I could do it on my own."
She wasn't sure if that was selfish or generous of her, either way someone got hurt. She thought it had to have been for the best at the time. She'd lost assurance with every passing moon.
She'd also forgotten the feeling of her face against Crowfeather's chest. That was why she didn't react at first when he pulled her close to him.
When she did, it was like losing control of every muscle in her body. She felt herself shut down, she didn't even know how to describe what she was feeling. She could only breathe and blink.
Then she heard his voice again. "You don't have to do it alone." He purred. "Never again." She recognised this voice. It was the Crowfeather of her memories, the one who would hold her and whisper sweet nothings with a voice smoother and kinder than any cat she knew.
As if a the day had risen within a second, Squirrelfight saw a thousand visions spark right in front of her once more.
She remembered fighting with a scrawny black apprentice.
She remembered becoming friends with Crowpaw and Feathertail. She heard their laughter.
She remembered sharing her insecurities with Crowpaw and the warmth that had erupted when he had comforted her.
She remembered crying beside her friend as they saw the Warrior they had been with since the beginning die right in front of them.
She remembered coming home with her best friend and drinking in the stares of his clan as she cheered louder than any of them as he got his Warrior name.
She remembered the sadness she had felt when they had inevitably returned to their own clans.
She remembered what it was like to realise she was in love.
She remembered the joy that had overcome her when he'd admitted he felt the same way.
The way they held each other. The words they had said. The night they became mates. The escape they had almost made.
How safe she felt in his arms.
His contact.
It was all there.
The fur on her cheeks was wet and she didn't hold them back. She didn't cry because they were together again, but because she realised, in their own mouse-brained way, it had never really endedfor them to begin with.
She didn't even care that she was crying. He was there. He held her tighter. She nuzzled into his soft chest, not trying to quiet her broken gasps as she finally allowed herself the happiness she had kept buried for too long.
Crowfeather gave her head a tender lick. "You did an amazing job though. They're all going to make exceptional Warriors." She let out a tear soaked laugh, wrapping her tail with his as he rested his head on hers. "I'm sorry I wasn't there."
"Don't apologise." Squirrelflight consoled, pressing her nose against his neck. "It's my fault."
"No, you only did what was best for them." Crowfeather admitted, his voice cracking a little. His muzzle connected with her ear. "I just missed you so much."
This wasn't on her dreams. He was really there. She could say it.
"I missed you too." It felt relieving to say that out loud. But her eyes soon opened again, dim with worry. "What happens now?"
Crowfeather was still, then he pulled his face away, looking down at the molly in his embrace. "I suppose the same thing as always." He thinks of something quickly when she looks ready to break down. "But, if it's alright, I would like to hear more about them later." He smiled when she looked up at him, radiating with hope. "I could introduce you to Nightcloud, she has a lot of things she'd like to ask you." He chuckled softly.
Squirrelflight knew what he was saying really. And she wanted it. She wanted to meet like this again and again, and savour every moment that she had lost. She grinned through her tears, snuggling against his chest again. "That sounds fine." She whispered. "We could get caught, you know?"
She felt him nod. "We could."
Squirreflight felt strange, the idea didn't scare her like it used to. It was just a numb fact as clear as the world could end any day, or a fox could grab her on any patrol. Things could always happen, but she didn't need to lose joy worrying about ifs and buts.
She pulled her face away again, grinning up with a secret spunk she felt obligated to return to. "If we hear anyone coming, I'll just start clawing you and tell them you were on Thunderclan land." She piped, "That'll make a good excuse."
Crowfeather couldn't remember the last time he laughed, but he'd be able to now. "I love you, you know."
Squirrelflight let the happy tears spill. "You better."
The last time their muzzles had connected, it had been when they'd said goodbye for what they thought would be the last time. Now, they could focus on everything else, and know that more would come their way.
Their muzzles linked. Their noses touched. They were wrapped into the other. That was all they cared about.
Still they probably would have cared if they'd know that inside the shadows of the tree trunks, two amber eyes stared at the display, burning with hate and rage.
…
AU by Lonely-Ghost-606
Warriors belongs to Erin Hunter