This is the third part of the pieces I wrote for Lonely-Ghost-606's SquirrelCrow AU.
This one takes place directly after 'His Blood'.
...
He waited with his heart in his mouth. Windclan wouldn't believe their eyes if they could see him so visibly worried, pacing back and forth, his fur on end; this wasn't the reserved, silent cat that ran through Windclan, the one who didn't look like he would even be able to spell the word 'smile'.
But, then again, he had ran away like his life depended on it when Onestar announced what had happened at Thunderclan camp.
He knew that Nightcloud would understand. He knew she was scared as well.
She just wasn't as…ugh...sensitive as he was about his mate's safety.
He'd have to make an excuse up to Onestar later, but that was at the back of his mind for now. All that he could feel now was just the unknown fear and horror that surrounded Thunderclan's cats.
Then again, it wasn't so much Thunderclan he was worried about. Only four cats.
The air around the border was cold and dark, only rippling on the hazing fear crawling across Crowfeather's back. Inside his mind, burning, scorching destruction exploded, screaming possibilities that made his stomach churn and rise. He screwed his eyes shut, hissing to rake the images away, but they only rasped and boiled harder in the darkness.
He let out a low groan. He hadn't felt this for moons, this fear and grief that he still didn't entirely know was warranted, it had been on the first night he'd retraced his steps to this border that he'd had to suffer from that. But after, when hope and passion that he'd been stark off since he was young was finally returned to him, it all felt worth it.
But now, he wasn't sure if he'd ever feel that again if what he feared came to spite him as true.
It wasn't just that the one cat that he had ever been blessed to love could be dead. But, his children too. The children whose lives he'd been denied. The children where his sole moments of pride came from hearing about their growth from the mother able to share the lives that he had never seen.
Maybe would never see.
Again, Crowfeather wracked with soul crushing fear. His eyes searched through the darkness, along the unmarked tree trunks, and the thorns that mockingly lined the whispering mist. Anything for a sign.
He wished he had the courage to race to Thunderclan camp and see for himself, confirm that he was truly terrified for no reason. But two things held him back: The knowledge that if he attempted it, he would only brew a maelstrom of anger and suspicion that could ruin so many lives. And the unimaginable dread that he could be right, and that so much of the quaint allowance of what he held precious could be gone.
Crowfeather didn't have the heart for either.
He could only wait. It was one of their nights. And it was a night he hoped wouldn't change everything he had longed for.
He had traced the line of the border so many times, and he would continue to do so until the sun rose if he needed to. He ignored the rain that rattled his fur and made him shiver under his light coat. In fact, he welcomed it. If the rain had put out the fire that he had heard was ravaging Thunderclan camp, he could maybe feel just a little easier. What a luxury.
They had to be okay. He repeated that over and over again. They had to be. Thunderclan was many things, but their cats were well prepared. They must have found a safe area by now. And he knew she would never rest if she knew her, their, kits were in danger.
It felt strange for him to rely on such optimism. But she'd always had that effect on him.
Almost as if rewarding his newfound hope, a new scent drifted along his whiskers. A scent he recognised.
His heart leapt, his eyes widening with astonishing reprieve. He actually smiled, true and bright, as he turned to where he knew she was approaching from. His mouth, wired by a mind too delirious with elation and affection he was too often denied, began to move before he could fathom what he was saying.
The glint of her emerald eyes made him blissfully hysterical.
"Thank Starclan, you're okay! I was so worried! After Onestar told Windclan about the fire, I couldn't just-"
More eyes blinked and burned in the shadows.
More scents lingered over his senses.
Crowfeather's smile left him, bringing back the harsh line associated with himself.
She was at the front, not showing a twitch of the happiness that was meant to fill these nights. Her head was low, her tail dragged along the floor. Behind her, four sullen faces followed.
Crowfeather's heart sank. He recognised them all.
One belonged to a tom that Crowfeather knew from his youth. A massive brown tom that looked so much smaller now than he size augmented. He also carried responsibilities Crowfeather felt he deserved more than any Windclan cat.
Deputy and parent. Even though he wasn't truly the latter.
Three he only saw on the rarest of occasions. He had never spoken to them, yet they were linked to him in ways that only the disapproving eyes of Starclan could see.
One as black as night, kept close to Bramblestar, unmissable hostility flashing in bright green eyes that were clearly reminiscent of her mother. Crowfeather gawked at how much she looked like him, from the wide shape of her ears to the short spikes of fur along her back.
Beside her, a light grey cat shimmered blue under the cool moonlight. His blue gaze sparkled, but was blankly angry, staring ahead but not seeing anything. He stood on refined legs and his body was sleek and streaming. Unmistakably Windclan by all accounts. If only he knew that.
And just behind Squirrelflight, a huge golden tom looked warily ahead at Crowfeather, his amber eyes glowing dimly, trembling. The thickness of his coat was clearly inherited from his mother, but now it looked flat and still, making him look so much weaker than he was.
Hollyleaf. Jayfeather. Lionblaze.
Three cats. His kits. The cats he'd wanted to meet for so long.
From how they were looking at him, it seemed Crowfeather should have been careful what he wished for.
His pelt prickled uncertainly, stiffening as he began to take in Squirrelflight's expression. He hated seeing her anything other than happy; now, she looked utterly heartbroken, for the both of them.
She dragged her gaze up to him, something revealing glinting inside them. The look of prey that had been caught. Crowfeather's head began to whirl.
They knew. All of them, even Brambleclaw…
Squirrelflight caught his realisation with a slow, dreading nod. She'd clearly been crying. She stopped a whisker away from him and Crowfeather could now see the raw emotions all around her.
For the first time, he could call himself their father and be recognised as it.
It suddenly felt like even the stars were burning their silver eyes on them.
"So this is the cat," Crowfeather broke away, turning to the icy voice that belonged to his daughter. She looked up and down slowly, seeming to grow more disgusted as she did so. "Doesn't look like much."
There was such bitterness in those few words that Crowfeather couldn't help but grimace.
"Hollyleaf." Lionblaze frowned, exhaustion draining the anger from his voice.
"What?" She demanded, lashing her tail.
"We're not here to start a fight." Jayfeather mewed, though his voice still carried a miserly unease. Lionblaze nodded, pointing his sister with a glare.
"I'm not the one who started it!" Hollyleaf growled, sending a much more venomous glare to her true parents.
Crowfeather couldn't stop a snarl becoming caught in his throat as he saw Squirrelflight flinch, hiding her eyes from the hate their daughter was forcing on her. He sucked it back though, he needed to keep calm. So he just sat down, his tail waving patiently.
"It's nice to finally meet you all." He said, hoping it sounded as genuine as he meant it to, but the eeriness of the atmosphere was rendering him toneless. "Your mother told me so much about you."
"Of course she did." Hollyleaf grumbled, turning away as Brambleclaw whipped her back with his tail.
The brown deputy padded ahead, his amber eyes unreadable. "I assume you heard about the fire."
"Yes." Crowfeather nodded, still uneasy about his former friend. Last he'd heard, Brambleclaw was under the impression that the three were his, that thought still made Crowfeather's stomach curl a little, so the fact he looked so… empty right now was extremely disconcerting. Unwittingly, Crowfeather felt his spine tense in case Brambleclaw had any ulterior motives here.
But as long as Squirrelflight was by his side, he didn't think he had much to worry about.
"I'm glad to see you're all okay." Crowfeather mewed genuinely, using his tail to press gently against Squirrelflight's pelt. "Were there any losses?"
At that, every cat suddenly turned grave; an unknown darkness louring over the Thunderclan pack.
"One." Brambleclaw said, hollow, unnerved. "That's really why we're here."
"Apart from the obvious reason." Jayfeather snapped in with a mood that Crowfeather recognised greatly. Brambleclaw silenced him with a harsh look, then he sighed and began to speak. Explain.
Fire. Secrets. Threats. Death. Anger.
So much anger.
All the while, Crowfeather's face darkened and his tail curled more and more protectively around his mate as he sensed the tears coming back into her eyes.
By the end, he felt so much. Anguish for his love. Fear and relief for his kits. Twisted appreciation for Brambleclaw. Unbelievable hatred for this Ashfur character!
He'd wanted them to someday find out that he was their real father. But not like that! Not as if it meant that there lives would be lost because of it! A stupid guilt coiled into Crowfeather, a wish that he could have been there, that he could have been the one to protect them.
He was jealous. Jealous that Brambleclaw had the opportunity to act like the father he never had been.
But still, even though it stung him to be, he had to be grateful to the brown tom.
He had saved his kits. He had saved his mate. And he had kept their secret.
"How long have you known?" Crowfeather sighed.
Brambleclaw hissed softly through clenched teeth, his eyes were screwed shut like it hurt to think. "Since the night you found out they were yours as well."
That long? Fox-dung. Crowfeather couldn't help but be shocked. He looked up with real questioning; Brambleclaw knew that Crowfeather hated being the one in the dark. "Why?"
The Thunderclan deputy heaved his impressive figure with the indication that he weighed as heavy as a mountain. His eyes darted to the three cats beside him, all silent and tortured with thought, the he looked back at Crowfeather. Levelly, but challenging. "I didn't want to lose them."
Ah. That was right. They were still his to lose. Crowfeather wanted to feel sympathetic to the tom that had clearly loved these kits with all his very being. But he didn't have the power or graciousness to do so.
He only scowled at the ground, sour resentment making his tail lash. Feeling the familiar unfairness that he was and was not the father of these kits. The cruelness of reality and consequence biting him with the sting of loss that twisted him every day.
A sharp grunt came from Jayfeather. "You're not the one who deserves to be upset! We're the ones who've been lied to the most!"
Crowfeather's gaze drew back up, his mouth opening. How had he..?
He felt Squirrelflight quiver, her face met her son's desperately, stark with pain. "Jayfeather please, it's not his fault! He never even knew you were his until you were apprentices!"
"He didn't try to say anything after though!" Jayfeather snapped back.
"And we're not his!" Hollyleaf cried, looking furious at the very thought. She took a deliberate step towards Brambleclaw, her tail lashing with satisfaction at the wounded look that crept across Crowfeather's face. "He didn't raise us. He may be the one that Squirrelflight made the mistake to betray her clan for, but he is not my father!"
She spoke with amazing clarity. Toxic assurance. Crowfeather tried to hide the way it made his heart ache. This was the first time he was meeting his only daughter, and she spoke to him like he was a rogue.
Worse still, he had enough sense to understand her. Why should she see him as her father when he was never there? He may not have known about them when they were kits, but he'd never made the effort once he had found out.
But how could he? How could he let his kits know that they went against the Warrior Code just by existing? He felt a spiting anger for the stars. It wasn't fair. All he and Squirreflight had done was be in love, and the kits they'd had had grown into Warriors that Crowfeather would be proud of no matter what they did.
Squirrelflight had told him about the strength of Lionblaze, about the loyalty of Hollyleaf, about the skill of Jayfeather, his medicine cat son. Of course Crowfeather had a right to be proud! He couldn't take away the pride of their clan by telling them that it was him that was their father instead of the strong Deputy.
At his side, Squirrelflight stiffened, fixing her daughter with a firm stare despite the tears running down her cheeks. "I have made many mistakes in my life, Hollyleaf. But being with Crowfeather is not one of them!" She moved closer to him, her ginger fur mixing with his grey. Crowfeather's felt something swell inside him. "Being with him made me happy and it gave me you three, that will never be something that I regret." There was an edge to her voice that Crowfeather only heard in rare times. Most of them had come in their earliest days, when they had hated each other before finding out how much they truly liked the other.
Hollyleaf's face coiled with astonishment, then filling back with the bitterness and anger. "Don't talk about us like you cared! If you did you would have revealed this long ago."
"That is a mistake I made." Squirrelflight nodded, her voice still firmer than before, but laced with sadness. "I should have told you myself but I was worried about how it would affect you." Her green eyes slowly found Brambleclaw. "How it would affect all of you."
Brambleclaw bristled with something unknown, turning away.
"How it would affect us?" Hollyleaf laughed with resentment. "We go against Starclan, because of you two!" She glared at Crowfeather now. "How could you do this to your clan? Why in Silverpelt would you do this?"
Anger began to twitch across Crowfeather's whiskers again. Her words sounded so much like the doubts that had kept him unhappy for so long. "Do what? Fall in love? It's not really something I had a choice in you know!"
"But why her?" She whirled on Squirrelflight, her anger now sounding much more pleading. "Why him?"
Crowfeather's eyes narrowed. His tail joined with Squirrelflight's. "She made me happy." They wouldn't accept that, Crowfeather knew, They couldn't possibly understand how much that meant to Crowfeather. Hazily, Squirrelflight nodded to join Crowfeather's answer.
Hollyleaf made a deep sound in her throat that seemed to be in-between a growl and a sob. "Why couldn't you be happy and normal as well?"
Every cat cringed at her words. Crowfeather did it out of true, remarkable hurt.
Normal. Was that what she thought he went against? Or was it what she thought she went against now she knew she was his?
Was that what he did to her in the few hours he was her parent?
Crowfeather knew that he shouldn't, but he felt truly distraught at that prospect.
Squirrelflight looked dismayed as well. But it was clearly not something Hollyleaf hadn't said to her before.
"Were you happy?"
They all looked Lionblaze's way. Crowfeather just now realised how quiet the cat had been. His amber eyes were low and stinging with something, but at least he was actually looking at Crowfeather without complete hate.
"What do you mean?"
Lionblaze looked to the side, fighting to keep a straight face. "Were you happy when you found out we were yours?"
Hollyleaf's pelt prickled. "What in Starclan does that mat-"
"I wasn't asking you!" Lionblaze snapped, there was such strength in the way he shouted, a fire igniting in his glare, that even Crowfeather flinched. Hollyleaf, true to form, snarled but she said no more. The golden cat huffed, turning back to Crowfeather. "Well?"
Had Crowfeather been happy?
"No. Because that meant that I'd never been there to see my own kits grow." Crowfeather hoped he was exulting just how painful that was. Lionblaze's face softened. "It meant that I'd missed the most important moments of your lives."
When he saw Squirrelflight sink down, guilt tainting her beautiful face, he purred against her to show that he never blamed her actions. "But when your mother told me about you three, that made me a little happier to know what amazing cats you'd all become."
Crowfeather didn't notice Jayfeather feeling everything off of him. Feeeling the truth. He didn't see the young cat's anger slowly fading as he saw all the moments his parents had shared, the genuine love they held for each other, and for their kits.
"She talked about us?" Lionblaze asked.
Crowfeather smiled, pressing his nose against her neck making her stifle a laugh. He ignored Brambleclaw looking away with a sigh. "Every time."
Lionblaze glanced at Squirrelflight, and she shrugged with a small, sad smile. The golden tom scuffed the ground with his paw. "W-What did she say?"
Crowfeather actually found the effort to laugh slightly. "How long have you got?"
Jayfeather's hard line across his mouth broadened, but his eyes were gentler. "Long enough."
Crowfeather spoke about all he could, all the pleasant memories that Squirrelflight had felt and experienced and shared with him. Their first kills, Jayfeather's experiences in the medicine den, their warriors ceremonies, all the Thunderclan cats who spoke so well of them. Then eventually Crowfeather was able to mention pride that he himself had experienced.
Lionblaze blushed when he was told that Heathertail had spoken so well of him.
Jayfeather softened when Crowfeather spoke of how Kestrelflight was amazed by the things the blind cat could do.
Hollyleaf didn't react when she found out that many Windclan cats had admitted she was one of the forest's strongest warriors.
For a while, the atmosphere seemed relaxed. Not enough to seem like they were truly a father and his kits talking, but well enough to match what Crowfeather had imagined this moment of meeting would be like.
Crowfeather felt something warm as Lionblaze began to loosen, the tuft of fur around his neck puffing a little as he looked back at Squirrelflight. Perhaps he was able to hear the clear joy that Squirrelflight felt when she'd told Crowfeather about them. Perhaps he could feel the yearning in Crowfeather's voice and the true pride he radiated when he thought of them.
"Th-That's a lot." Lionblaze admitted when Crowfeather was finally finished. The large cat looked amusingly small when he was so quiet.
Squirrelflight let out a tender laugh. "There was a lot to tell."
For a second, it seemed that Lionblaze was about to smile. But a wilt came over him as he looked to the ground. "But no to us."
Crowfeather and Squirrelflight both felt his betrayal. They lowered their eyes.
"Why? Couldn't you have at least mentioned it?"
"We couldn't." Crowfeather said coolly. He nudged for Squirrelflight to be quiet when he was sure she was going to take sole blame again. He wasn't going to let that happen. They'd take this together. "We didn't want to tell you in case certain cats found out." He took a brief look at Brambleclaw that made the brown tom clench. "We didn't expect they'd react well."
"But what about us?" Lionblaze pleaded, his tone becoming firmer.
Squirrelflight stepped forward, pressing her head against her eldest's. Crowfeather was relieved that he didn't pull away. "I didn't want to take away the pride that Thunderclan gave you. You were all so happy to be accepted by the clan, I didn't think it would do any good to tell you the truth." Again, she looked gently to Brambleclaw. "And I didn't want to hurt you."
Brambleclaw lashed his tail in clear skepticism.
"Brambleclaw, I am sorry for what happened." Squirrelfight padded over to her friend and Crowfeather swallowed down his stupid jealousy. He didn't want to admit it, but Brambleclaw deserved credit. "I could never say anything against how you raised them. You have always been a wonderful father to them, and nothing could take that away."
"It doesn't change what happened though." Brambleclaw said bitterly, but there was true hurt shaking in his eyes.
Squirrelflight nodded gravely, her ears folding back. "I know. Not telling you in the first place has always been one of my biggest regrets." Brambleclaw didn't respond, but it was clear that it wasn't anger surrounding the cat, but deep pain. "And now that I know that you actually kept quiet even though I never told you, I'm beginning to see just how right I was to choose you to raise them."
Crowfeather smiled even though every word she said sounded like a whip against his skin. But he suspected the truth did hurt like this. How could he argue? He'd spoken about how proud he was of the cats his kits had become. Brambleclaw had been an amazing parent to them. Neither he nor Squirrelflight could ever deny him that.
He just wished he had been given the chance to prove himself to them.
The deputy didn't move a muscle, but it was clear that there was no more real anger surrounding him. Just pain. Pain that he knew these kits would never really be his own. A pain that Crowfeather felt as well. It was a paradox they shared, a tragedy they couldn't escape. They had to deal with the fate that life had bestowed on them.
A piercing yowl broke the silence, making every cat draw away at the cold fury in its wake. Hollyleaf began to step back, shaking her head. "I can't believe what I'm hearing."
Squirrelflight began to tremble again, she took a step towards her daughter. "Hollyleaf-"
"So what?" The black molly shrieked, halting her mother in her terrified tracks. "What does it matter how you feel?" She glared back at Crowfeather, "Why should I care that you know so much about me? You're not my father! Just some mongrel who was stupid enough to fall for this traitor!"
Crowfeather didn't reply. He was frightened it would reveal just how much her words hurt him.
Lionblaze frowned, clenching his teeth as he took a forceful pad towards Hollyleaf. "Would you calm down?"
Jayfeather braced himself.
"Don't you tell me to calm down, you mouse-brain!" Hollyleaf yowled. A wind began to rush through the forest, making the rain sting as it hit the cat's faces. "Have you gone mad? How can you sit there and act like this is okay?"
"I never said that-"
"Why should we sit here and listen to what these two talked about?" Hollyleaf didn't let up, if anything her voice became louder. Her eyes blazed with green fire. "They're nothing but a couple of selfish fox-hearts who betrayed everything we live by! They don't deserve a second of our time!"
Squirrelflight's eyes filled again with wet tears. Crowfeather frowned, his neck fur rising. "Hollyleaf, please listen-"
"No! You can shut up!" Hollyleaf advanced, swiping the air with unsheathed claws. They clearly weren't meant to hit her, but Squirrelflight still jumped back like she'd been struck. She already looked like she was bleeding!
That was it! Crowfeather leapt over to the Thunderclan side of the border, placing himself between his mate and his daughter. He glared, knowing he wouldn't dare hurt her, but promising he wouldn't let her hurt Squirrelflight. Hollyleaf hissed at him meancingly.
"Enough of this. Whatever you think, your mother has only ever had your well-being in mind! She would never want to hurt you, surely you know that!"
"What would you know? You've never been there!"
Crowfeather's lip curled, "I was there long before you were. I know your mother and she was only ever thinking of the best for you!"
Hollyleaf stiffened, turning away with a bitter growl and a swift swipe of her tail. "Then she never knew the best for us! If she did, she never would have seen you in the first place!"
Crowfeather growled deep in his throat, his tongue ready to strike again. Then he felt a light push on his side, Squirrelflight forcing herself ahead of him. "Crowfeather, calm down." The urgency was back in his voice, a bite.
The Winclan tom stiffened with upset. Squirrelflight noticed this, sighing, and rubbing her tail along his pelt. She spoke up again, gentle and loving, "Please."
A snarl of utter loathing forced them to look ahead. Hollyleaf's fur was spiked with revulsion, she cast them another snapping glower. "I don't have to see this! This was a waste of time!" She began to storm away.
Squirrelflight braced, her fur rising in despaired alarm. "Hollyleaf, please!"
"No!" Hollyleaf didn't even look back.
The ginger molly began to tremble, tears spilling out of her eyes as she watched the icy back of her daughter slink away into the darkness. "Please just understand," Squirrelflight cried, her voice rising in one last desperate mewl. "I did everything I did because I loved you, I still do and I always will!"
Hollyleaf looked back, green eyes fiery in the ebony shadow of the trees, but she didn't stop leaving the cats. "If that's what your love means, then I don't want it!" She snapped her head away screaming into the trees. "That stray will never be my father!"
Squirrelflight let out a broken sob, stepping back as she felt the rejection course all over her. Crowfeather felt it too, burning his skin. There was no room for forgiveness in the ferocity of his daughter. She hated him, and Crowfeather knew she meant it with every strand of her fur.
Crowfeather's throat was dry and he felt he had no words left. Not for this. A haze of consequence and blame sank around him, and he didn't know if it would ever be lifted.
He'd been so happy to know he had a daughter. Now he wondered if he truly did, or ever would.
He knew that she never wanted him to be her father.
Movement twitched in the corner of Crowfeather's eye and he saw Brambleclaw begin to follow Hollyleaf's steps. "Where are you going?" Lionblaze questioned, his voice numbed by his sister's reaction.
Brambleclaw stopped, looking back at the golden tom with a connection so deep that Crowfeather suddenly knew he could never match it. "I'll talk to her about this. I'll try to help her understand everything." His voice lowered with a gentle tragedy. "Hopefully she'll calm down if it's me."
Crowfeather bit his lip, focusing on the question on his mind. "Why?" Why would he want to help them? After all this. Why would he want to help the cat he once saw as his own realise she was another's?
Brambleclaw's muzzle contracted back, "I'm not doing it for you!" He snapped, bitterness on his fangs. "No matter what you say, I will always see them as mine!" He promised, staring right into Crowfeather's glare. The grey tom didn't hold back despite his knowledge that Brambleclaw could send him down with one paw. They both met each other with the strong mutual dislike.
Then Brambleclaw shifted his gaze to look at Squirrelflight. He mellowed. The ginger cat looked at her 'mate' with vulnerable wonder. "But, no matter what, they'll always be hers as well." He looked vulnerable too, breathing heavily, glancing back and forth between the cat he still loved and the cat he realised she loved instead. "She's their mother, and I don't want her, or any of you, to forget that." He meowed, casting his once believed sons a desperate glance. A fatal resolution, perhaps his last request as a father.
"I'm not saying that what she did was the right thing." Brambleclaw dipped his head with a small moan, it sounded like something that the cat should never make. "But I don't believe for a second that she did anything that wasn't out of love for you. You know she isn't that kind of cat."
When Squirrelflight found Brambleclaw's gaze again, it was the most loving she had ever looked at him. Grateful, but aching.
The two young toms kept the deputy's eyes a moment longer. Jayfeather looked away with a curled lip and Lionblaze stared painfully at the cat that was once his father.
Brambleclaw grit his teeth like a blizzard was stinging every atom in his bones, "She will always be your mother, and she will always love you." Something seemed to bite his mind as his ears flicked back, "Please, don't waste that." He twisted to meet Squirrelflight, but his eyes were devoid of anything but emptiness.
The ginger cat stood still, but the way she looked at him might as well have been her purring against him. "Thank you, Brambleclaw."
"I don't want you to thank me." Brambleclaw said stonily, "Just make sure that these young cats do not get hurt in the future."
Fire erupted in the Thunderclan molly's eyes, "I never would."
"I believe you." If there was anything else he wanted to say, he didn't say it, he stalked away, fading away as he went back to Thunderclan camp. Crowfeather almost felt guilty when he felt a twitch of relief that the cat was gone. He owed a debt to the cat, whether they wanted it or not.
"I'm going to make my way back as well."
Those words might as well have been a kick to Crowfeather's gut.
Jayfeather stood still on his paws, glazed eyes unseeing but obvious with thought. His tail swung lazily from side to side, contemplating, but Crowfeather only felt the bite of dismissal again. Was he expected to take this from two of his kits before he could see them truly for a second time? The stars were truly cruel to him.
"Don't be such a sad lump of fur. I'm not Hollyleaf!" Jayfeather snapped, this time straight at Crowfeather.
The Winclan cat looked up again, Jayfeather stared at him with an expression changing almost as quickly as Crowfeather's emotions. Again, how did this cat seem to know so much?
His son's grey fur laid flat and unnerved on his back, a soft sigh escaping him. "Don't let your mind slip, I'm still angry with you both!" He clarified, his tail swiping the air like an unsheathed paw. "Neither of you had any right to lie to us for this long."
Crowfeather groaned, "We weren't trying to-"
"I don't care. I'm still right." There was such a short temperament yet a fiery certainty in his voice that Crowfeather couldn't help but feel the slightest pride that his son had clearly taken after him.
Even if it was some of his worst qualities.
Jayfeather let his anger set, then it began to cool, his tail curling down on the floor. "But, I don't hate you. I barely even know you after all."
It was hard to tell if that was a joke or a jab, so Crowfeather didn't react.
Actually that wasn't true. Crowfeather felt the smallest appreciation and vindication. He didn't hate him. Why did that mean so much when it could hardly be considered a compliment? It was complicated and confusing. Of course it was. That was all Crowfeather's life seemed to be.
So he did what he always did now. He accepted it. It was all he could do. These were all the product of his own choices and he had to take them in his stride.
"I'll go back with you as well." Lionblaze mewed, stepping beside his brother. Seeming to feel the dread creeping back into his parents, Lionblaze swiftly gave them a pointed look, his tail rising.
"I don't hate you either!" He said quickly, a sheepish glow rising on his whiskers. "I-I think I understand why did what you did."
Crowfeather knew he didn't really. But it was enough when he saw the answer made Squirrelflight's misery begin to construct into something wonderful again. A bloom rippling on her tear stained cheeks.
Then Crowfeather felt his stomach sink when Lionblaze's gaze dropped again, now conflicted and strangely… guilty? "But I-I don't want to lie to you." The golden tom stepped towards Crowfeather, already a whisker above his father's height, and the Winclan tom lowered a little more when he saw the lack of recognition, the frailty of true acceptance.
"I-I'm sorry but, Brambleclaw will always be my father. He's the one who raised me."
There it was. Now Crowfeather really began to feel it. Lionblaze's words pounded in his ears, a torture that the cat clearly didn't want to submit the older cat to. Be he was. Renunciation seared around Crowfeather, branding him with the reality that it was truly too late for that kind of relationship to blossom.
It was the same for Jayfeather as well as Crowfeather saw him nod slowly.
It burned like the stars above. The truth that Crowfeather suspected but had tried to avoid; why had he expected anything different? He had never been there. Be it his fault or not, it was a fact. Why should they reject Brambleclaw for a father that they would never really see?
He wanted to lash out, he wanted to blame them, but he couldn't. Once again, it was a consequence of the life he'd taken. No one was to blame.
He just had to keep his head down, bite his lip, and take it.
He felt Squirrelflight curl against his side, and hoped that would make it a little easier.
"I do want to see you again though."
The burning stopped, if just a little. Crowfeather let true shock come over him as he found his son's gaze again. The golden tom stood tall, lacking any resemblance of recognition, but still luminous with something else. Kindness? Pity? Forgiveness? Whatever it was, it made Crowfeather bask in something he, for once, knew was good.
"If that's alright with you? Could we be able to speak again?" There wasn't anything demanding in his voice, just hope. True interest. Friendliness. Lionblaze looked on patiently, eager, trusting.
Why was it this… this that made Crowfeather's throat hurt instead of Hollyleaf's hostile rejection?
Crowfeather took it in, the dismissal and the yearning. The opportunity he was still mercifully granted. His stomach felt like it had the day he had received his Warrior name, or the day he found out the cat he held so closely wanted the same things he did.
And now, his son wanted something from him, not what Crowfeather really wanted, but how could Crowfeather deny the rare hopes he was gifted.
"I'd like that." Crowfeather said raggedly.
Lionblaze smiled. A real smile. Actual happiness. It was swarming. It only grew as Lionblaze slowly padded to his mother and didn't hesitate to press his forehead against hers. "No matter what," He purred, "You will always be my mother."
It was contact that Crowfeather knew he'd never receive, but his heart still soared when the blazing, flaring relief twisted Squirrelflight's face and made her cry. She rubbed her muzzle beside her son's, afraid to break away as if it could mean she would come so close to losing him again.
But it was clear now. She would never lose Lionblaze. That was something.
Once Lionblaze had stepped back, still beaming with love, Jayfeather took the brief moment to press his forehead against his mother's. Her shock was minimal compared to the cats around her. "There's a lot we still need to talk about." Jayfeather tried to sound hard, but the quaver was unmissable. His tail wrapped around her. "But… I'll try if you will."
Squirrelflight held her son close, crying still, promising she would.
Crowfeather would try as well, whatever chances he was given. Jayfeather didn't say a word to him, which made Crowfeather's pelt feel cold, but he accepted the small nod his son cast in his direction.
It was hard to tell what the nod held, but Crowfeather needed to be hopeful. It was all he had left.
"We'll see you back at camp, okay." Lionblaze mewed to his mother. He spoke gently, like he was still grasping onto her with his forepaws.
She nodded, shining.
Lionblaze nudged Jayfeather to his side, then he sent one more look Crowfeather's way. "See you later." It wasn't curt or unfaithful, it was a promise.
Crowfeather promised back, he swore on Deadfoot's memory that he would never let go of the little he had. He never took his eyes away as his sons padded softly back to the clan they'd been raised in. Their true home…
Crowfeather swallowed. They were trying. He had to as well, even from the shallow end of the river. He was their father, he had to be proud of whatever choices they made. Respect the Warriors he would have been proud to call his own.
He didn't know if that was possible.
His attention turned back to his mate, she watched her sons walk off as well. She was wiping away the tears from her eyes with her tail. Crowfeather remembered another duty he still had. One that he had made his own. Purring deep in his throat, he bent down to lick Squirrelflight's cheek. "That face never suited you." He joked tenderly.
She let out a ragged laugh, sinking into his touch. Her smile was sparkling. "Oh, don't you start with that. I've seen you cry like a kit too many times."
"That's different. You're made of stronger stuff than me." Crowfeather began running his tongue along her head.
"Oh am I?" She giggled.
"How else could you have raised such wonderful cats?"
She must have caught the twitching loss in his tone as she pressed against him, rubbing her muzzle against his neck. "It's going to be alright. You should have seen how they were looking at me hours ago." He felt her grow still, relishing in their rare embrace. "They'll understand soon. Brambleclaw will help."
"I know." Crowfeather said, his voice hollowing, but he never moved away from her. He didn't have the will to hate the deputy anymore. "That's because they're his." It was painful yet fulfilling to say it out loud. Relieving to accept the truth.
"They're yours as well." Squirrelflight lulled.
"No. You were the only one of us that was there, Squirrel." Crowfeather accepted, his head sank away to smile down at her. Proud to call himself her mate. "They're yours more than any cat's."
Squirrelflight stared up at him, sadness tainting her again.
Crowfeather did what he could to calm her. "But that's fine." He mewed, then he pressed his head against hers playfully, "Because I'm still yours right?" He teased, rubbing her fur with his own.
Squirrelflight began to laugh, though it did almost sound like crying, she pulled her head away, green eyes glinting lovingly up at the cat she had chosen. Then her lips met his. And Crowfeather remembered why he had chosen the life he had. Why he didn't regret a moment?
She broke away, smiling. "You shouldn't ask questions you know the answer to, it's not polite."
"Was that a lesson you taught them as well?"
It was moments like this where they could forget the harshness of what surrounded them. Because for these brief moments, everything that went against them seemed to fall into a perfect balance with the many things that held them together.
It was why they could accept what would come. Be it bad or good, the beginning had been worth it all.
...
AU by Lonely-Ghost-606
Warriors belongs to Erin Hunter.