Thank you for the reviews.

So I am hoping that this is making a little bit of sense now. And that this chapter also makes some sense... Honestly, I just had the idea of this and decided to run with it. (also uploads are only going to be on a Saturday and Sunday. There are only going to be 10 chapters. So this helps me drag it out a little more so I can start the next thing... Although, I have no idea how busy life is going to get soon...)

Chapter 3

She knew the plans in front of her like the back of her hand.

They were Stuart Hordley's plans. The ones that he had given her to look over after she had got his bid reinstated.

Looking at them again after so long felt strange.

Because she knew that she was looking at plans that would never be fulfilled.

It's not even like it was almost done.

The foundations were never laid. No brickwork was ever done. A hole was dug only to be refilled.

Maybe it had been best that way.

Some things had turned out for the best because it never happened. She never liked the idea that Stuart was involved and how he got the contract. And she knew the irony of it. Because she had got him the contract because of what he knew about her. She had lied and done what she had done all because of her little secret.

Which, in the long run, didn't matter.

It didn't matter if her past was revealed.

Maybe those extra couple of months that she had, had helped to give her a little more support. Along with Eddie. She was sure that was where her biggest support had come from. That she would never have stepped foot in Waterloo Road again without him.

Her greatest ally.

There was a good side to knowing what was going to happen. So she knew that Eddie was going to come in, slightly ranting about Alison. She knew that he was going to ask her if she was alright and she wasn't so quick to answer him this time. And she wasn't going to say that she was fine when she wasn't. It just made her so tired to pretend to be fine when she wasn't.

But she knew that Bolton would turn up at some point. So just told Eddie that she needed to talk to him about something.

And she did feel sorry for Bolton. Because she knew how excited he was for this opportunity. Just in a couple of weeks, he had turned himself around. And she wished that he had the opportunity that he thought he was getting.

"Are we going to talk about it now?" Eddie asked.

"I don't want Stuart Hordley on the premises again."

"Bit harsh, Rachel."

"His bid was rejected. Today… today was about getting me to reinstate it."

"Why? How? I'm not really following."

She didn't bite the bullet before. She let it fester until Eddie found out by himself. Maybe she wouldn't explain everything in the conversation that they were currently having but she would drop a hint at it and then find the words to tell him properly later.

"His secretary knows me. We used to work together. Years ago. And she knows something about my past that Stuart has… used against me today to get his bid reinstated."

The look of concern was nice to see but she knew that could change in an instant if she did tell him the whole truth. She knew that they were starting to become closer. The whole thing with Michael seemed to have done that. She knew the partnership that they would end up having. She didn't want to destroy it before it had even started.

"He blackmailed you," Eddie said, sounding uncertain about saying it.

"I-I-I can explain everything. Just not now. But I think he is just going to ask more from me and I don't want it to get out. I've… worked so bloody hard to get here. To stop others." She wiped her eyes to stop the tears. "To stop others from going through what I did. I'm not proud of it at all but I know it has made me the person that I am. The teacher that I am. I know I have my critics who say that I don't do things in the right way. I know you are still apprehensive of my ways. But trust me, Eddie, I know what I am doing."

"Surely whatever it is can't be that bad. You're a teacher."

She shook her head. She couldn't disclose it to him just yet. Something was stopping her from doing so. Maybe because she could remember his reaction. Maybe because she knew that he was angry with her because she could never give him an explanation. She wished that she could have done. She wished that she could explain all of her reasons. But she knew that she couldn't explain something that she didn't understand herself. At the time, it had made perfect sense for her to take the job. Now she couldn't even justify it to herself.

"If I told you now, I don't think I would do a good job of explaining things. If I told you now, I would stumble over my words and I think it would… I would make a mess of it and then you would be angry and annoyed and I don't want that. I need you by my side. I need your support. I… I need time to work out how I can keep it. How I can give you a proper explanation. Because you do deserve it. Especially if I am going to bring you into my mess."

His brow creased but she didn't get a chance to say anything more. Maybe she had done enough for the time being when she looked down at herself and found herself in the same clothes as she had worn the day of the big meeting.

Her distorted memories caught her up to what she had missed.

Because it seemed like the conversation that she'd just had with Eddie had never happened. It was like it was a fresh canvas again. That whatever confidence she had built up hadn't materialised.

She was back at square one. With Eddie probably suspecting something and her trying not to let it affect her.

She wondered whether she was going to be able to leave her office.

She needed to.

Not only to go to the meeting.

But to talk with Eddie.

She took a deep breath before she pulled on the door of the antechamber to step out into the corridor and she realised, for the first time, how perfectly timed they were as Eddie reached her just as they were both going to turn down the stairs together.

The conversation between them pretty much played out how she remembered it being. Although she could also remember the mess she came back to with Eddie's solution to the problem with the Lesson for Life students. She could feel the headache building before it was meant to.

And then the conversation turned to her biggest headache of them all.

Stuart Hordley.

With Eddie saying that he was keen.

She could have kept it to the couple of lines that her memory remembered it being. She could have just let the conversation be interrupted by Steph and she could just play out one of her favourite memories of her and Eddie. Just the looks between them as Steph talked. Eddie's comments when Steph was out of earshot. To her, it was just a hint of things to come between them.

Instead, she dragged him into the closest classroom, hoping that no one was going to interrupt them. She was already late but she knew that she had to do this. She had to say something before the meeting.

"He is only keen… He is only keen because he thinks he has this in the bag. He is so sure that he is going to get the contract."

"Well, his plans do look good."

"It's nothing to do with his plans."

"Then what is it to do with? Rachel?"

Her throat constricted against the words. She should be able to say them. She should be able to say that she is being blackmailed. But the feeling that she was currently feeling was one that she knew that she had felt a number of times when she tried to tell Eddie what was going on. She couldn't tell him. She felt like she couldn't tell anyone what was going on. Because it put her back in an extremely vulnerable situation. Like she had been when she took the job.

"He is keen… because he thinks I will get the contract for him." Rachel sighed. "Because he is blackmailing me. This morning… it was just so he could twist the knife one last time. So that he could be sure that I was going to keep my side of the bargain. The problem is… I would rather not. I don't ever want to see him again and I don't know what to do because I think he will do it. I think he will tell everyone what he knows about me and I can't. I can't allow it to ruin my life for a second time."

The confusion on Eddie's face was expected but he seemed to soften his expression quickly enough. They didn't have the time to talk and Rachel knew that she would say that. But she could feel a little bit of weight coming off her shoulders. And maybe she would have actually felt it if she had told Eddie before he found out. But it was something that she would never know.

Rachel did wonder what would be next when she did part with Eddie but found herself walking into the antechamber with him, discussing his prefects idea. She never told him at the time, maybe because it hadn't really worked out as planned, but it was a good idea. She had just wished that some thought had gone into it initially before it was implemented.

"How was the meeting?" Eddie asked.

"Dreadful."

"Really?"

"I sank to his level. Stuart's level. I'd umm… overheard a conversation. The… guy chairing the meeting. He is friends with one of the other contractors. He was obviously gunning for him and I was gunning for Stuart. Didn't help that a certain Mr Hordley turned up and took me out for lunch. I wish I never went. I wish I never… I don't want the building work anymore. We can easily scrap that idea of mine."

"Rachel, I can't understand what it could be. It can't be that bad, can it? You're a teacher for Pete's sake."

"It isn't like I actually did anything wrong. From a legal point of view. Maybe it was morally wrong but I didn't have much of a choice."

"Choice in what?"

"In going into… prostitution." She said, almost whispering the last word.

She knew that he had heard it by the way that he recoiled slightly. It was why she never told anyone. There were always the connotations when it came to it. And none of them were good. Not that she would say that her time as a prostitute was good. It was awful. She definitely wasn't doing it for herself. And there wasn't an easy way for her to leave.

She only stood up to get the space that she thought that she needed but by the time she had reached behind her desk and turned around, it was Stuart who was there in front of her rather than Eddie.

This was very obviously in her subconscious.

There was no other way to explain it.

Because even her subconscious couldn't predict how Eddie would have taken the news.

And she knew what the envelope in Stuart's hand contained. Yet she still pulled out the blue folder to check what was in there.

It was strange how she hadn't picked up on Stuart's tone before. The meal was obviously something that he wanted to happen. And he wanted it to go further. That Eddie had been right when he said that Stuart might have a 'bit of a thing' for her. Between all of the blackmail, she hadn't noticed it. But maybe she had just assumed that he had wanted to see what she was like. Just because of what he knew.

With the knock on the door, she knew who was going to walk in next. And she realised that she hadn't really hidden the folder and envelope from Eddie. She had always just assumed that he was more focused on Stuart to notice what she was doing.

It was quite quick how Eddie just brushed over what Stuart had delivered to her. Maybe he just thought that it was something to do with the building work.

She thought that each scenario would relate.

That these were all the times that she could have told Eddie.

Instead, she knew that this one had more to do with trying to stop him from finding out about it himself than her actually telling him.

This was for her to fix that.

But she instantly knew what was going to happen when the scene changed once more.

She felt like she could never forget Eddie's expression. The complete and utter grump he had become over it.

And maybe his words sounded a little harsher than they actually were. Maybe that had been how she had heard it. Because no one was going to be gentle about her past, were they? Shock probably played a bigger role than she thought. Because she did hold herself in a different way from how she was as a teen. And the way that she held herself now was only because she had watched how others acted and held themselves. She had just mimicked them.

She, honestly, wouldn't know how to be Amanda anymore. She had changed too much. She had hidden so many memories away that she knew that she could never be Amanda again. Not that it really mattered. As far as she was concerned, Amanda died the day she changed her name. And it was a necessity that she stayed dead.

But Stuart Hordley had brought her back to life. And Rachel faced having to tell Eddie everything. She knew that she didn't have to but she knew how well that went down. Not that she could be sure that if she did tell Eddie more, whether that would stop him from handing her his resignation. But she wouldn't know until she tried.

It was one of the few events that happened outside of her office. And she had never realised how many times her safe space had been compromised. The task that she was taking on should have been in her safe space. Not in Eddie's classroom.

But to Eddie's classroom she went.

And the anger could have been better than she remembered. But she did remember the way that the words formed a lump in her throat and how she could have cried over the fact that she had to tell him.

It was something that she wanted to keep from him.

It was something that she wanted to keep from the world.

She had gained so much to lose it all now over a decision she had made when she was 17 and when she had very little idea what else she could do.

And she tried to explain that in the best way that she could to him.

She held back the tears even though they threatened to fall a number of times.

And she told him everything that she felt like she could.

She told him about her desire to become a teacher. Because she thought that it would put her in the best place to stop anyone else going through what she had to.

She knew that he didn't understand.

He would probably never understand.

It was just such a complex situation that unless they were there, in the same circumstances as she was in, then they would never understand.

But maybe there was an understanding that things were wildly out of her control. That the decisions she made were because there was no other option. And if there was another option, then it was one that was worse. It was a double-edged sword. She was going to get cut either way. Apparently, there was always a choice. Rachel knew that there wasn't.

She told him that this was only coming out because of Stuart.

Because he was blackmailing her.

That Eddie wouldn't have known if it hadn't been for the building work.

That it was her fault, again, as to why things were going wrong.

Eddie looked uncomfortable when she said that but didn't say anything to try and undo or correct what she had said. At least he understood that.

It was another scene that just faded out.

To white this time.

Because she couldn't imagine what his reaction would actually be.

Or maybe she didn't want to.

Just so she didn't get her own hopes up.