LAST TIME on Big Jack Horner's World Tour
"Oh, so I finally get to make my magical wish after all that shenanigans with that pesky cat," said Big Jack Horner, bigly.
"Yes," said the Genie, who the new author wasn't quite sure appeared in the first fic. "So get on with your wish so that I might be free from this genie's curse."
"After all these years, it seems almost anticlimactic. Alright, no time for ceremony. Star light. Star bright. First star I see-wait…hold on. What did you say there at the end?"
"The Genie's Curse. Once I grant three wishes," said the Genie, "I shall be a genie no more."
"Not how I remember it but okay," Big Jack Horner fixed his puppy scrotum necktie. "Let's see where was I? Wish I may, Wish I might…I wish…I ehh…I wish…I wish you were eternally bound to wagecuck servitude!"
The Genie pinched his forehead and his wrinkles crinkles. He let out a sigh only a mother of 4 could. "Genie does as you wish. Fuck…"
"Probably should have wished for a way out of here though," Big Jack Horner said, even biglyier, "where ever here is, don't really remember the first part. That's fine though. I feel I can move on with my life actually. In fact, maybe magic isn't all it's cracked up to be-ACK!"
Just then, prior to the ACK rather, a crumbled letter smashed into Big Jack Horner's not so big ear. "What's this then," he asked as he uncrumbled the letter whilst the Genie applied for his new 24 hour McDonald job at Wendy's. "A letter from Hogwarts? Really starting over with this chapter, aren't we?"
Pushing aside the waterfall of magic, came a very big and hairy man. He drunkenly stumbled onto the platform he fell onto his face. He slowly pushed himself back up, only to take a sip from his flask. He looked at Jack with disgust.
"You aren't Harry! Whatever. Want to learn magic?" Said the man.
Jack rolled his eyes. "Normally people say their names before inviting someone to learn magic along side them."
"Oh" He said, followed by a few hiccups.
"Here," Jack tossed the MYSTERIOUS drunk man a glowing green gem, "hold this."
"What's this then, funny man?" Said the man who COULD BE ANYONE, accepting the gem.
"It's a magic artifact that will teleport a random creature from the universe in your spot. Where you go, I dunno."
"Come again?" But just then the man (It was Hagrid) burst into a cloud of (green) ash. And in his place was none other than!
"Wait, where the FUCK am I?" Said the small, orange creature who appeared in the steaming remains of the oversteamed Hagrid. "This isn't the convention center."
"I refuse to glance up at the first page," said Jack, "so let's just say we're already at Platform Nine and Three Quarters." I, the author, allowed this to be so. "And you are?"
"Who am I? I was going to be Avalar's NEXT President! Until I was cheated out of it in a military coup by some faggot billionarie CEO play boy."
Jack cracked his knuckles. "Mmm, I get it. Daddy issues. How about you help me out of here. We're clearly trapped in here, you killed the guy that could get us out."
Jack knew he was lying, he was hoping gaslighting would help him out somehow.
The man looked over at the ashes. His face looked grim. "I-I did that?"
"Yeah. You did." Said Jack with his signature gaslighting face.
"I really don't care. Anyways, there's an exit right there." He said, pointing at a wall of magic, not even remotely looking different from the other walls.
"Eh, you're useless. I'm just gonna use my home teleportation. I stole it from a place called Lumbridge." Jack looked at the camera, winking as if we the audience should automatically know what that place is. You know what it is. You know why you clicked this.
He then drew a circle on the ground and read off the enchantments. He sat down and a ring of light appeared behind him. Then the orange man quickly latched onto Jack's back (Cool rhyme lol) and just in the nick of time, he teleported alongside Jack. However, with the extra weight added, they were thrown off course. Instead of Jack's massive million dollar mansion, they were sent to a strange looking place. It was a dark bedroom, filled with garbage up to their necks.
"This place stinks!" Said Jack, wanting to be the first to say it.
"He who smelt it. Delt it. By the way I'm Ripto. I couldn't think of an appropriate time to mention it. I think now would be a could time." Said Ripto, the orange man. "Just don't look at my Early Life on Wikipedia."
In the pile of garbage, emerged a thin asian man with a back brace. He looked at them with confusion. "Are you the editors I lost? I told you guys, I'll work on chapter 401 later!"
Jack mumbled to himself and then tossed a random potion from his bag at the man. Some crackling came from the mans back, causing it to straighten out. "What the? My back… it's… cured! I feel amazing! As if I could…"
The man sat down next to his T.V and playstation. "Start a new file on Dragon Quest!"
"I uh, thought that was the bowl voiding potion." Jack scratched his head." Okay, I'm lost. Are you lost?" Said Jack to Ripto.
"Sorry, wasn't paying attention. My ears perked up when I heard the word Dragon" Ripto scarled. "What are we doing again? Oh! I've seen this kinda thing before. Let's just get out of here. Fanfics involving this guy and his work never end well." Said Ripto.
The two walked out and were left to roam around the mysterious land of Japan.
"Before we move on I think we need unpack something," Jack said, "Earlier you mentioned to me your name was Ripto. The funny thing about that is I didn't actually ask you your name. Which to me is enough grounds to betray you while you're in the bathroom stall. Author, make that happen."
Fine. As Ripto was taking a shit, apparently, he shouted with his iconic Riptonic Rage, "WHAT!?"
"Cool magic scepter," Jack said, sliding it into his magic nanny bag. "Anyways, I'm off to Hogwarts again. This time to find whatever cool magic shit I can find there."
"Wait, hang on a FUCKING second," Ripto said, as he rebuckled his pants frantically, "what do you mean MY magic scepter?" Riptoad tried his best to catch up to Big Jack Horner, and he likely WOULD have except…Big Jack Horner equipped his Pegasus Boots he stole from some other important fictional character who we will not name here but should be pretty obvious to anyone whose ever played a video game before.
"Oh yeah, convenient. Almost as if a third person who came late to the writing session needed a new mcguffin to get me out of this predicament! Neat!" Said Big Jack Horner to me, who is definitely not a ghost writer and is in fact one of the major contributers.
With speed on his side, Big Jack Horner made his way to the nearest magical train station. Yokai First National. There he found an average looking wall until he noticed a Skyrim UI that read "Activate." A click later and the story was finally, at LONG LAST, back on track. Literally!
"Finally, back on track as it were. Author, let's celebrate this with a chapter header, shall we?"
Chapter 2: Hogwarts
"Works for me," said Big Jack Horner. Stepping into his train cart, Jack was quickly reminded he was entering the magical world of one J.K. Rowling. As such, on the wall was a plastered sign of a transgender pride flag with a big red X over it. "Well that's concerning."
Shuffling his way down the cart alley, Jack's attention was caught by a young woman of J-Pop ancestry. "Hey there, cutie. Have a boyfriend?" He asked as he heroically took the seat next to her, as well as part of the seat she was already inhabiting.
"Um..I..I actually…"
"Yeah, he's not gonna like me, heh," Jack reached into his nanny bag, "Name's Jack Horner by the way. Big Jack Horner. I take it you've been accepted to Hogwarts as well?"
"Oh yes," the Japanese girl said, "I have my acceptance letter right here," she said, pulling out the very letter.
"Nice, I…hey wait a sec, mine doesn't look like that." Alarmed, Big Jack Horner retrieved the letter from Hogwarts he received earlier. "Guess I should have read this earlier. Let's see. Wait, what the fuck. This isn't a letter of acceptance to Hogwarts! This is a cease and desist letter, with a request to return several magical artifacts I bought off the Black Magic Market!"
Enraged, Big Jack Horner crushed the letter in his hand. But then, an idea of complete genius came to him, "Say, uh, girl. What'd you say your name was?"
"It's Kagome."
"Beautiful name! Sounds like, well, I dunno. Listen, do I have a proposition for you! You receive a little identity theft," Jack said, swiping Kagome's acceptance letter, "and in return, you can hang out here!"
"Eeek!" Kagome eek'd as Jack swiped her into his magic nanny bag.
"Careful not to touch any of the explosives," he shouted into the bag as he made himself comfortable. "Now, is there any movies on this train?" Before he could get his answer an older woman pushing a candy trolley arrived by his seat.
"Anything from the trolley, dear?" She asked.
"Yeah, everything," Jack said, flipping her a gold coin. "Just so the other kids can't have any."
Just then, as if this wasn't a convoluted enough crossover, Kagome's "friends" showed up because I said so. It helps make the crossover more cohesive, and more importantly, it means I don't have to upload a new chapter for that story any time soon!
"Hey, what did you to her?" Scowled Inuyasha, who I haven't written about in his own story yet, so this is now serving double time as his character introduction. He's half demon in case you were wondering, and I know you weren't.
Big Jack Horner ignored this comment because he is sauve and doesn't take things seriously until he does. "Yeah, anyway, wanna join up, pup? I'm sure I could use you as some kind of, guard dog, or something."
Inuyasha WOULD have taken him up on this…and he did. "Yeah, you did me a favor. I never liked her much, always bossing me around, telling me to sit boy."
Big Jack Horner was confused, "I'm confused. What happens when someone says Sit Boy?"
And just like that, THUD! Inuyasha fell through the train itself, being drug around by the undercarriage of the train presumably killing him because Big Jack Horner wasn't about to stop the train to go check. "Aw man, just like my last dog! Ran over by a magical train."
Off screen, you could have sworn you saw the shilloute of Folgore and Kanchome, but I still am uncertain of how I want to end that series so i'll let you speculate for now…
MEANWHILE…
Ripto was chasing the train on foot, because he could only use his powers in Avalar and this was not that so it didn't count. "Gah! Wait, Big Jack Horner!" Riptoe yelled like a fuck.
"*gasp*...*cough* T-That scepter isn't magic! It's just decorative!"
To be contued…