It was a dreary, yet not quite so that it was dreadful, eve on the march up to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. All the students were marching up the stone steps to the magical monolith of a school while one Jack D. Horner remained back at the train toilet.
"I think someone clogged it," our hero shouted, heroically, "it wasn't me though! I just went number 2 on top of it!"
He kicked the door of the bathroom open ad Shrekium and fixed the collar of his coat with a shit eating grin. A dumb look came to his face as he turned to notice Hogwarts from the train window, "Oh fuck, that's where the authors want me right now." He knew he had to hurry or it would miss the sorting ceremony!
However, unlike the previous chapter, I will NOT be swayed into writing a chapter header again…maybe later.
Chapter 3: Hogwarts (Forreal this time, we swear)
Candles floated high in the main hall of the castle. Students sat at their long tables, each respectively separated into four distinct houses (like society should be but that's just me). The mood was one of merriment as bread was broken and new students were sorted. The queer ghost known only as the butt bangler floated in the air chasing some other ghost tail and a few students had a hearty laugh witnessing such tomfoolery. I the author, however, deemed this inappropriate and offensive, so I'm not so sure why I wrote it that way.
"Hey, It's a fanfic about me. Being offensive is sorta, par the course, wouldn't you say?" Jack D. Horner reminded us.
At once the main hall went silent in a tight sensation of suspense. But I, the other author, did not allow them to realize it was Jack talking for as far as you the reader know, he's still on the train as I write. I just wanted to fuck with the Hogwarts students. (Lol)
MEANWHILE, back on the train scene that was previously already in progress, Jack D. Horner was messing with the local students and I'm NOT talking about the foreign exchange students like Kagome whom he stuffed in his bag earlier.
"So erm, about this school…Or whatever it is, I've never been too school because I inherited a successful bakery from my parents." Jack said with the utmost arrogance and lack of self awareness or consideration for those around him.
"Umm dude? I'm not a student here." Said Jim, the, well, look, he's Jim.
"Fine by me but I'll have you know I've never read a book in my life," said Jack Horner. "And I think TV is for chumps. I only play battle royale games. Jim. Looks like you're my new slave. I mean friend. So what's the scoop on this place?"
Jim, understandably, was visibly afraid to see this large, horrid man approaching him with ominous intent. "Err, you really shouldn't be talking to me in the engine room. But anyway, yeah. From what I hear? All sorts of kids getting murked, I swear, the death toll goes up every year and yet we never see a dip in enrollment numbers. Bizarre, ain't it? Don't even get me started on Dumbl-"
But before he could say "his" name…
"Before you even say the name of he who must not be named or whatever," said Jack Horner, who must always be named, "let's get this rodeo going shall we? I'm here to gather a bunch of cool fucking magical items and I think the first thing I want," suddenly, as if announcing a gigantic, 400lb psychopath like Jack Horner had arrived, there came a crack of thunder followed by a downpour of rain, "...well, I guess first I'll need a hat. Did you notice all the interruptions go-"
THEN
Dumbledore, the greatest wizard of the age, was standing at the front of the main hall. He wore a very long and white beard and moon shaped glasses (and the astute viewer will notice the pride bracelet around his wrist. SEE! We're incorporating canon!) Anyways, Dumbledore was going to say something funny but I forgot what it was so therefore HE forgot what he was going to say which I guess means Dumbledore is suffering from a condition known as demontor's dementia which began when-
In the spirit of Jack Russel: THEN!
Jack Horner and his new partner in crime Jim kicked open the doors to the main hall. Jack Horner strolled leisurely in, swiping a turkey leg from a child's hand, when he noticed exactly what he was looking for. "A hat!"
"Who in Merlin's pubes is that?" Asked Professor Fumbles from the back table.
But it was not him Jack Horner was after. But rather the hat of the hour–the sorting hat!
"Huh? Wha? Oh yeah, you can be..Hufflepuff, I guess." Said the sorting hat, half asleep on some background character (That character was Agamenon Wibblewatt who will NEVER come up again).
"Oooh, neat hat! Talks too? Eh, I could do without that." Said Jack D. Horner, as he promptly (albeit violently) yanked it off of the student's head. He then promptly shoved it into his magic bag without a second thought. "Oh, and say hi to…what'serface while you're down there."
Jim was mortified, or at least, he probably would have been but having already witnessed Kagome being tossed in earlier on the train, Inuyasha falling through the train tracks and in accordance to what he said about Hogwarts student mortality rate, this was hardly a concern by comparison.
"What else this place got? Something about a…sorcerors stone?" Big Jack asked himself I guess?
At this point Dumbledore finished checking his discord notifications and was finally bothered to participate with the large, pink haired megalomaniac in his midst. He walked up to the front where Jack Horner was when he clapped his hands together.
"Students! I have a bit of an announcement to make," Dumbleore said before winking at YOU the veteran reader. "I wish to welcome you all back to another year of Hogwarts. As usual, all suicidal students are welcomed to go to the dark forest to sort themselves out and, as tradition, I will be committing numerous acts of tax fraud and crimes against the normie cucky cucks in the Ministry of Magic."
"HOWEVER," Dumbledore however'd, "as a special treat this year, I am hereby announcing, on the fly mind you, that Professor Fumble will no longer be this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts professor because I said so."
"WHAT?" Said Professor Fumbles, fumbling to stand up.
"I said you're out of the job. Instead, I shall be hiring this giant of a man with pink hair whose name I don't know for the position. I am giving him the job simply because I like the cut of his jib and I suspect he will be amusing to plant in a critical position at this fine academy. I can do this and none of the soijaks in the Ministry can do anything about this. Now, let's hear from our NEW Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher," Dumbledore said, stepping away, returning to his phone as a new discord sound went off.
Professor Fumbles fell off-screen and out of the story. I find it an appropriate time now to address that before things get gloomy.
"Hmm, an entire SCHOOL of slave children to do my bidding? This could possibly work to my advantage…" Jack thought outloud, not even remotely trying to hide it. "Children, er, students! Whatever. Your task, should you be up to it, is to retrieve for me EVERY magical or enchanted item this puny establishment has to offer. I imagine some of you might be weary of your new overlord, that is, I. But I assure you, I'll only kill the ones that annoy me or bring me anything I deem useless to me and solely me. A fair trade, wouldn't you say?"
Coyly, one student had the GALL to raise their hand, "Umm, so, will you NOT be teaching us any actual Defense Against the Dark Arts then?"
"I don't even know what that is," Jack Horner spat back in frustration, making him more honest then likely your own High School teachers.
THEN, another student, a third year in Gryfindore or however it is spelled YOU can google it and let us know, had even more GALL than the last. Her name was Angelica Goodthought and she was known for her quick wit and generally being a lame class pet that would always be asking questions, and doing her homework, and donating to charity, and walking old ladies across the street, and double checking her spelling on word doc like a nerd, and always saying please and thank you, and putting books away in their correct spots instead of just sort of leaving them there (This is not a big deal, deal with it). Young Angelica then asked: "Professor Dumbledore, can you really just put a deranged STRANGER in the position of one of our most important classes? Especially now when there are all those reports of those dark wizards in the area," she said, informing you of this new faction that we might expand on later.
Dumbledore used up all of his speaking roles for this chapter, so Jack asserted, "Yeah, I don't do well with people undermining my authority. Guards! Er, wizard children! Feed her to the Weeping WIllow, or throw her to the dementors. Some sort of fitting and inhumane punishment."
And they did, I wrote her off because she was asking way too many questions and I found it distracting. I mean, why not get the job done AND have a little fun along the way?
"Okay, I assume no further questions, so hop to it and get me those pretty shiny things." Said Jim, whose starting to pick up on Jack's sadism and ego centered leadership.
MEANWHILE we go to our Ripto WATCH and see what HE is up to for this chapter.
…Yep, he's still trying to catch the nearest bus now.
"Hu, huff, huff…I REALLY gotta get a back up teleporter!" Said Ripto, remembering that he DID in fact have one of those. "Oh…yeah, haven't used this since Enter the Dragonfly! No wonder the devs never had to explain how I wasn't dead."
However, comedically as if it were all too inconvenient, this actually sent him to his last prior location which in this case, happened to be Avalar.
You would think this would be a blessing in disguise, dear viewer, but I regret to inform you that unless you read Riptos Rage Returned…you would be forgiven for not knowing that Seto Kaiba actually won the presidential campaign against Ripto. Needless to say, this made things horribly awkward…
"Am I REALLY going to degrade myself for this rich fag?" Ripto asked inquisitively.
I guess we'll have to…wait and find out NEXT TIME!
Which will be right now because I just though of a COOL plot point!
"Keep this orange testcle away from me and the ladies," Said PRESIDENT Kaiba, as his harem of fauns tossed him over the beautiful white stone wall built around Avalar.
"GAAAHHH," Ripto Gah'd as he landed comically face first into the mud. "Gah! Gah damn it all! I hate. HATE. Politicians! They keep all the sexy faun women for themselves! Typical! And FUCK! No data left on my phone!" Ripto had an android and only paid the MINIMAL amount for data since his failed presidential campaign wasn't cheap. In fact, he still had ads running on 4chan but he didn't know how to take them off so his account was constantly being charged. All while incels were making fun of him for using comic sans.
But one incel was keeping a very close eye on our…what's the word? Deuterologist? Dueltagonist? Duel-anti-hero? What Ripto is. Our Riptagonist.
"Hello, there, Ripto, I've been keeping a very close eye on you," said the mysterious figure who I WOULD leave as a cliffhanger but I am still invested in this plot point.
"WHOM?" Ripto asked, sitting up from the mud.
"Why it is none other than I! Professor Fumbles. That's right. I am still in this story," Which means I have to give him a description. I'm thinking something whacky like Hiachi's hair from Tekken and maybe like a Hitler stash but super long and over his mouth. There. Is that ZAZNY enough for you reader?"
"I don't know who the fuck that is," Ripto asked.
"Frederick Fumbles is the name," said the man whose name is Frederick Fumbles. "Not to be confused with the Quidditch player Frederick Fumbles. He just so happens to have the same name. It's very annoying when a famous person has the exact same name as you."
"Oh. Well, I can relate to that," Ripto said.
"Indeed. I was an adjunct at public magic school for forty years when I finally-" Actually, you already saw his backstory with Jack Horner just now so you get it.
BACK TO JACK (Cool rhyme)
"Hold still kids," Jack Horner said, aiming Ripto's stolen scepter at them because he suddenly remembered he had it and not because the authors just remembered after writing the Ripto scene. "Daddy wants to see how bad this puppy can pur!"
And this resulted in a huge loss of life, senseless piles of corpses of what would have been children with a bright future ahead of them…but I suppose their fates were sealed the second they enrolled in a school that was notorious for DEATH. The parents had to sign a waiver, it's a whole thing.
And while ONE author went to go take a shit, the OTHER author ended it here.
To be continued, goodbye.
However, that isn't exactly what happened. Everything above DID happen, but the to be continued was a fake out.
As Jack filed his nails with one of the deceased students' left molar, the janitor walks on screen. He looks at all the corpses and shakes his head. He begins to mop up the blood, guts and fecal matter (You shit your pants when you die). He noticed Jack sitting on top of the throne of dead children.
"Hombre, you did this?" Said Kinder the Janitor, who had a German accent.
"Huh? Well, yeah kinda." Said Jack.
The janitor sighed and pulled his flip phone, as he was too poor to afford a smartphone thanks to Hogwarts not paying him enough. "Hola Havel, te necesito ahora mismo, hombre."
Suddenly, a summon sign from Dark Souls 1: Prepare to Die edition. A man dressed as Havel The Rock appeared. He had his gigantic club made out of dragon scales or whatever. He looked at Jack and because of his heavy armor and his refusal to take off his helmet, you could not see what kind of expression he had.
"What is this, DnD? Dragons and Dung Eaters?" Jack was proud of his Elden Ring joke.
The Janitor was nowhere to be found, as the camera didn't pan to him yet. He looked on as Havel The Rock took off his helmet, revealing it was actually Dwayne The Rock Johnson. He did his signature eyebrow raise and pointed at Jack.
"Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?" Said The Rock.
While The Rock posed, Jack kicked over one of the heavier set kids, landing on top of The Rock, breaking his neck in the process.
"That was easy." Said Jack. "Wasn't I supposed to go find Krypto or whatever his name was?"
"No man, you gotta get by me first." Said Kinder, pulling out his magic wand.
He waved the wand for a few seconds, causing small magical symbols to appear on random parts of the room.
"Cleanitus upintoto body in dumpstero!" Said the Janitor, who could have done this the entire time. Suddenly, all of the corpses, blood guts and gore disappeared along with Jack.
Kinder smiled for the first time in 60 years. He had slain the most evil, vile man who had ever entered Hogwarts with a simple cleaning spell….
…However, the cameraman was on muscle relaxers and didn't pan over to Jack quick enough for Kinder to notice Jack was right behind him, using the severed hand of Miroku to suck in all of the bodies. The Janitors wand was actually just a pixie stick, you know the candy one. He looked at the Janitor and raised his eyebrow much like The Rock from earlier.
Kinder, the Janitor, had another major failure to add to his ever growing list. He held his head in shame and headed home for the night. He walked to his run down car and turned the keys in an attempt to turn it on, it took several tries but it eventually turned on. He drove home, listening to nothing as his radio was stolen the other day. It was a long drive home, he kept thinking about how pathetic his life had become. All he could think of was how much he wanted to be like his buddy who worked at the local grocery store. He hated being stuck here this whole time while he watched all of his friends go places with their lives. At the door of his apartment building, Kinder stopped dead in his tracks as something caught his eye.
A magical portal stood before him that he never noticed before. He looked around and saw no one else nearby. What would a magical portal possibly want with him? "I don't know what you're doing," Kinder said, "But leave me alone."
He began to walk away when he heard a voice behind him. "You have been chosen by fate to fulfill your destiny," the voice said.
The portal seemed to glow brighter. Kinder paused and then turned back towards it. "What do you mean?" Kinder asked.
"Your name has been written into the chronicles of time and you shall soon have great power," the voice responded.
"Why me?" Kinder asked again. "You must follow the light," the voice said.
Kinder walked into the portal, it exploded.
Jack crawled out from behind a bush. He winked at the camera and gave out a hearty laugh. "Works everytime! Don't worry guys, he didn't actually go anywhere. I just trapped him somewhere in between dimensions. I'm sure eventually someone will- oh wait there's no oxygen. Oh shit, wasn't I supposed to be doing something?"
…how…..
….. ever behind Jack was a man slowly approaching him wearing Grocery store worker attire taking off his apron and rolling up his sleeves as he dropped his gamecube controller he was going to bring over to his friend to return. You couldn't see his face but you could see his incredible muscles. His theme song echoes down the streets. Jack looked at the bottom right corner of the screen to see what song was playing.
This was the song that played! (editors note: fanfic removes links, teehee)
"Oh you gotta be shitting me." Said Jack.
NOW TO BE CONTINUED! TOMMY PUT THE KEYBOARD DOWN-
What? You want MORE?