LAST TIME ON HORNER BALL RUN
Jack Horner got a letter to Hogwarts, "I got a letter to hogwarts!"
And there he met Jim! "I'm Jim," said Jim.
Then Jack Horner got a BIG Promotion, "What a good boy am I," he just had to declare.
There. Recap over.
Now continued from last time!
The hairs on Jack's neck stood up and chills across his body, pierced like daggers. Approaching him was a man with a threatening aura. Jack tried to analyze his wizard level, but it was for nothing. He couldn't even scale his power. In fact, he couldn't sense his magic at all. Stelio Kontos walked across the street and looked at Jack as if he was going to kill him.
Jack took a step back, stricken with fear. The anxiety of what this man could and will do to him filled his mind. Jack smirked and fired a magic bolt at him. Stelio deflected it with his fist. The force of his mighty punch knocking away Jack's bolt of magic, caused a shockwave, knocking Jack to his feet.
"Bah, this weird orange lizard guy's back scratcher ran out of juice. Ah, what ever." Jack tossed the scepter into a nearby dumpster. It discharged and transfigured a nearby student into a lamp. The lamp didn't work and he too was tossed into the very same dumpster that did NOT serve to brighten his day.
Stelio didn't utter a single word. He spoke with his fists and one of them just so happened to punch Jack in his gut. Jack couldn't react quick enough to the second punch to his jaw. Jack's magic bag was nowhere to be found. He left it at his dorm and that's all the way at Hogwarts!
Stelio grabbed Jack's shirt collar, ready to deliver a massive punch to Jack's face. Jack with his quick wits had quickly spat out a jumble of words, which just so happened to form a sentence. "Wait! If you strike me down, you'll never know where the treasure is!"
Stelio pulled back his fist. He loosened his grasp on Jack's shirt collar and he raised an eyebrow out of curiosity.
Jack smiled. "Oh are you that retar- I- I mean! Oh the treasure, the treasure- Oh what the fuck is that?"
Stelio looked to his left, however he should have looked to his right as a semi truck completely decimated him into small meaty pieces. Jack then took Stelio's arm and put it into his magic bag that was actually there, he just didn't bother to look.
Out from the truck was a student from hogwarts. He wore a red hoodie over his head.
"Get back to class or you're getting detention." Said the student. "I'm a hall monitor, you'd better listen to me. I have superiority over you."
"Wh-" Before Jack could respond, the student pulled out his gravity gun and dragged Jack into the Semi Truck, driving back to Hogwarts. He gave Jack 2 hours of detention and made him read the server rules. Jack was now back in hogwarts.
"Back at Hogwarts," Jack sighed. "Better check on the progress of my student slaves and see what cool things they found for me." As Jack made his way up the swirly staircase he discovered quite the strange happening in one of the corridors.
"What's all the hubba?" Jack inquired queerly (no homo)
"A deranged criminal has escaped Impel Down," a particularly fat student cried, who I now decide is named Piggy. Yes. A Hufflepuff. And a virgin. You get the idea.
"I'm pretty sure that's not what it's called in the books," Jack groaned, heading over to the posters pinned on the walls. On the walls were depictions of a disheveled looking maniac with long greasy hair and a mad stare. "You've gotta be shitting me," Jack Horner said as the camera paneled over his shoulder to reveal the poster of:
'NOTORIOUS DARK WIZARD-VIRGIN WITH RAGE: CHRISTOVORT CHANDLER'
'ESCAPED FROM-'
"Wait a second," Jack cried, shoving the crowd of students apart as if they were two parts of a door. "That isn't Impel Down. That's INCEL Down!" A crack of thunder for some reason.
"You are correct," said Dumbledore, arriving with a magic fidget-spinner. "And as our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, man whose name I still do not know nor care to ask, I am putting YOU up to the task of hunting down and bringing this Dark Incel Wizard to justice."
"Hey, you never said having a job meant I had to WORK," Jack pointed out accurately.
"You will need a specialist," Dumbedore said. "An INCEL specialist. As such, your guide on this quest will be Professor Snape who incidentally I hate and enjoy tormenting. You can find him in the potions class I located literally in the dungeons."
Before Jack Horner could find the perfect magical artifact to disintegrate Dumbledore with, Dumbledore bent his back 90 degrees backwards and teleported up his own asshole. "Fiddle shit," Jack said, smashing the mysterious orb he pulled from his magic nanny bag on the ground. The children shrieked, "Wait, that's not a magic orb, that was just a grenade-"
On quick grenade explosion, and several child funerals later, Jack Horner bloodborne rolled into the potions class in search of Professor Snape.
"Whom!?" Snape cried in a panic, closing his tab and zipping up his robe.
"A good boy am I," Jack Horner said.
"Ah," Snape put his bottle of basilisk lotion back into his desk drawer. "Jack Horner."
"You've heard of me?"
"I made it my mission to memorize all child nursery rhymes in the world to impress a girl," Snape said, incelishly.
"Do I even have to ask if it worked?" Jack Horner asked, pocketing several high level Skyrim potions off the shelves.
"It did. But she ended up having a penis."
Jack Horner made a face. At you. You know the one.
MEANWHILE, elsewhere…Ripto and Fumbles were planning their next daring scheme.
"So, you say that he stole you magical scepter…but it was a sham?" Said Fumbles.
"Actually, it was a part of my cosplay, but that's not important!" Ripto grrd. "I hate getting my things stolen, just like that Kaiba stole Elora from me! Also the election!"
But this reference was lost on Fumbles who has never even heard or played a Spyro game before. "Umm, yeah sure. Anyway, we should-"
"Here! I've got PICTURES of her taken right off of OnlyFurs!" Ripto then proceeded to painstakenly scroll thorugh an exhausting amount of smutty images of a cartoon faun. Needless to say, I the writer, am uncomfortable. "And, get this, I pay her 500 gems a month. WE'RE PRACTICALLY DATING!"
Fumbles and the readers did their best to tune that last sentence out instead of removing it outright. "...Right, so umm, Ripto, I think you said your name was? How are we ever going to get back to Hogwarts now with your teleporter on the fritz?"
"...Oh right! I forgot that happened. Umm, wait. Aren't you a wizard?" Asked Ripto. "Can't you just magic us back?"
"I could…if the reader would let me. Alas, for a spell that powerful, I would need a strong magical artifact for the encantation to work." Fumbles then fell over like a goof.
"Or we could just steal that!" Said Ripto who I remind you hates stealing. "Richboy left his Blue Eyes White Jet all alone in the open, unguarded!"
And so, they did. Kaiba was too cool to pay people to watch his stuff, he had cameras for that!...which were off because he was too busy counting his money to bother looking.
"I really love counting money and doing this other thing, too bad for you reader that this is my only speaking line for the chapter," said Kaiba who was doing something SO cool that we, the authors, CANNOT tell you what it was.
MEANWHILE
"Why are you telling me your plan to betray Dumbledore," Snape asked as Jack Horner burned down the enchanted forest they were presently still traversing.
"Because he made ME have to WORK," Jack Honer exposited. "Why? You a nark?"
Snape put his phone away quickly, "No."
"Good! You're a lot better than my last lackey, umm, Jeff, I think." Jack continued to savagely ignite the local magical critters and forest denizens. I could have sworn he slayed a giant spider at some point if I didn't know better myself, at least Hagrid wasn't around to witness it!
"Hmm, so umm"
"Jack. BIG Jack D. Horner" he clarified. "Emphasis on the BIG"
"...Right, Jack D. H-"
"Don't forget the BIG at the beginning…"
Snape now alert that Big Jack Horner was reaching into his bag menacingly, corrected himself, "ahem, Mr. BIG Jack D. Horner, um sir. Tell me, what land do you hail from? You clearly aren't a muggle with that kind of magical prowess, but you certainly don't look like any magical person I've ever seen."
"Oh yeah, I suppose the readers have earned a backstory for me" said Big Jack with a big toothy grin that would make anyone shudder. "Long story short, I come from off the shore of Far Far Away. Ran my own business, got a bunch of slaves working for me without pay. You know, typical honest living and such. How I ended up here? Well, you'll just have to read the previous chapters when my autobiography is released!"
Snape no longer cared, just as long as he can survive long enough to see another day when all was said and done, much like yourselves, dear viewer.
"Whatever, so, ever deal with an incel before?"
"Umm, yeah actually. Just once, some scrawny orange fella. You know, I just got done junking his prized staff thingy earlier. Think that'd set the little guy off?"
But before they could continue to banter, I cut back to the Ripto subplot in earnest!
"Gah!" Ripto Gah'd. "Can't this stolen hunk of junk go any faster?"
"Wait a minute" Frederick Fumbled. "If the scepter isn't actually enchanted…how have YOU been using magic?"
Good question for the writers! Anyone care to take a crack at that? Theorists? No? Okay, guess that rests on my shoulders then.
"Oh, right." Ripto took out his utility belt. "Y'see, I usually just bought weapons online heavily discounted and disguised it as magic." Ripto then took out some receipts in his wallet. "Yep, I'm a certified gold member at Goodwill! But that's not important right now. You'd be surprised how easily people back in Avalar are fooled by some glitter I bought at my local Michael's craft store."
"Wow", Fumbles was as baffled as us. "Sounds like really poor writing. I figured maybe Avalar was the source of your magic or something equally as plausible. No matter, but yeah, this should probably get us back to Hogwarts by the next chapter!"
And it will, next time, if I'm feeling generous!
But we can't end a cliffhanger on low stakes like that, so I'm here to announce that next time, Big Jack D Horner and Snape will take on the BIG BAD Christovort! You'll be on the edge of your seat, probably. I know I am!
To be continued