PREVIOUSLY ON HORNER'S PARADISE (AND FRIENDS)

No recap for you. Go read it.

Chapter 5: The Death of Christovort

…Happened off-screen. Aw man, you JUST missed it! I could recount how cool it was, but I'll just let the Big Man tell you how it is.

"…Okay, so our other collaborators were unable to join us for the doc tonight, so sit back, relax and allow me try to salvage the storytelling." Said either Jack Horner or me, it's open for debate. "All you need to know is that I'm awesome. And I shot him, a lot…with my magic gun."

I know you're wondering why he hasn't mentioned the magic gun up until this point. But c'mon, it's a limitless magic bag. Was there ever any doubt?

Snape was so blindsided that he didn't even have the time to comment on the situation properly! In fact, he was too busy going through his Tinder to make any meaningful contribution. Unsurprisingly, no one was sending him requests, another day in the life of Snape. "Huh? Oh shit, it's over! Umm, any chance we can split the credit on the kill so Dumbledore will stop teasing me for a day?"

"Y'know, I oughtta kill you right here for suggesting such a thing, however, I'm feeling generous today so I'll hold off on the killing until after I get what I want." Said Jack. "But then again, ya never can be too careful these days. Gotta play it safe where I can, no hard feelings." And Jack comedically pushed Snape down a magic staircase on the way back so he'd feel inclined to keep his mouth shut. Snape will remember this…but in all likelihood, won't do anything about it or have it come up again in any meaningful capacity or future development.

"Ah, I sure do LOVE the smell of status quo and general ineptitude!" Said Jack who had been hijacking every writing session up until now. "Hey, enough with the snappy remarks, narrator! If anyone is going to dictate the story, it's gonna be ME! Now, make with the discretionary cutaway to what'shisface already."

However, Ripto informed me that he wasn't quite ready yet for his cameo, so we'll just have to check in with them later.

"Grr, yer lucky I need you to write my dialogue for now, but your luck will run dry once I become all powerful, which, I already am, of course." Said Big Jack and it was so. "Now where is that DumbleDick?"

"Looking for me, Mr. Incel Slayer?" Said Dumbledork who had to take off a precariously placed sticky note.

But Dimbledorf wasn't even there! "Show yourself, Merlin! Or whoever you are! I slayed Christovolt, I demand compensation for my hard work!"

"Oh, I assure you, we will have our grand battle…but not quite yet, I'm afraid." He replied using the school's built in loud speaker. It wasn't magic.

"Oooh, what's the matter? Afraid of my overwhelming bravado and charisma, Mr. Macho Magic Man?" Big Jack boasted bigly.

"Is that so? You really believe YOU defeated the lord of the Dark Wizards?" Dumbledore almost laughed but didn't. "Don't make me laugh, Mr. Dark Arts Teacher!"

"What's yer game, geezer?"

Dumbledore taunted him with a revelation that would make even the most seasoned of veteran writers be in shock and awe. I, however, wasn't that talented so I came up with this plot twist instead. "Mr…whoever you are. Surely, you didn't think it would be that easy? For you see, that wasn't ACTUALLY Christovort. That was merely Liquid Christovort, an imposter. Who you killed…was Jim's cousin!"

"Who?" Asked Big Jack. "What, you mean Ripto? Yeah, that's right, readers! I reread the earlier chapter to remember his name! I may have skimmed a bit though." He blushed.

"Oh my, I forgot how stupid you are." He said. "To be fair, that is precisely why I put you in the teaching position. Well that, and I don't really care and I was feeling especially vindictive that day."

So then, Jim who we haven't mentioned in quite a bit, came from the shadows. "Mr. Dumbledore, sir. Can we kill him now?"

"Jim, you…you're still a character?" Jack remarked. "Umm, I'm impressed there's still room for other characters besides me in the story. I planned on betraying you later, how DARE you beat me to the punch!"

Jim was taken a back, "...Really? You can't even pretend to feign interest in my motives that led me to this moment?"

Big Jack was bored and really wanted an action scene to replace that last letdown I wrote at the beginning. "Nah, not really. If I take you down now, more screen time for me!"

But I wanted the other writers to be present for this, and rather than put it off for another day, Mr. Dumbledore cut me o-

"Alas, my friend, now is not the time." Dumbledore wanted to give back to his Steam Library and count all the games he knows he's never going to play. "Umm, come back when you've collected enough key items or whatever the endgame requirement is."

"You mean all the magical artifacts in the school?" Jack clarified.

"Yeah, sure, whatever. Come, Jim! We must take to reddit!" And the two vanished into dust, magic dust!

"Come to think of it, wonder what became of those mongoloids? Shoulda finished all the side quests for me by now." Big Jack thinked, which was rare for him. So what about that, dear viewer? Before I tell you, have any obvious guesses to what may have happened? Because your first guess is probably correct! Yep! We killed them off! Much like the earlier students from a few chapters prior.

"Can't find good help these days" Jack slammed fist down in anger. "And after all the kind things I've done for these people! Well, nothing a little Ole magic bag of trinkets can't fix! Gotta go do it myself I guess."

MEANWHILE

In the Discord call (not ours, I mean in universe), Jim and Dumbledore who for some reason had Nitro were scheming in voice chat. However, it may have been difficult to hear because the music bot they had was REALLY loud. They tried to troubleshoot the issue which was harder than you might think because they somehow don't have a general text-channel. After a comedy of errors, this could be heard…

"Heh, what are the odds the pink haired buffoon knows of our plan to use him to gather all of the magic in the world for us?" Said Jim rather hamfistedly on the nose.

"Enough exposition, Jim." Dumbledore then server muted him because if it was anything he loved more than employing people to do his bidding, it was abusing power at the same time. "We'll just have to wait and see how long it takes…for this game to finish updating!"

To be…continued. Oh, and the Blue Eyes White Jet broke down too. I'm sure we'll think of a way to write them back in next time!