ON THE LAST CHAPTER
"We are now enemies," Dumbledore say to Jack Horner and it was so.
"I guess that means I'm off to find the story's MacGuffins," Jack Horner said as loud as a jacked up horn.
MEANWHILE, BEFORE THAT, ON THE LAST NEVER BEFORE SEEN EARLIER CHAPTER
Godwin Groomwell had been a magic a resident at Hogsmede all his life (author's note: I have been playing Hogwart's Legacy recently and that game is the cool. I think Hogsmede is super cozy town but I am not transphobic btw I would happily talk to any cute femboys reading this story. If you want to message me that would be okay)
If it was one thing Godwin loved it was Quidditch but that had nothing to do with his involvement in the legend of Jack Horner. But he was, as a certain magical tree no longer with us would describe, a good man. So good, in fact, some might dare suggest as he was great. For you see, reader, Godwin Groomwell was Head Boy at Hogwarts when he was a student and went on to become a magical engineer. But he also like to have fun between his big magical projects and was proof to goofing on the wizard net which is like the internet but was a thing before computers so imagine that.
Though many would consider Godwin a good boy, many even dubbing him with the moniker Goodwin Goodwell, it was a good fate that befell this former Hogwarts student. Sorry. Meant it was NOT a good fate that befell this former Hogwarts student. That is because during his goof off time, he was masquerade on the internet net as–LIQUID CHIRSTOVORT!
Many applauded his theatrical performances and impersonations of the deranged dark wizard who used a love potion on his very own mother. But Godwin didn't know when to give up the act. He was doing an impression in Hogsmede, or maybe near it, not sure if it was specified in last chapter, of Christovort and he was perhaps doing it too well!
"Hmmm," Godwin's hmm'd with autistic gusto, "I wonder how I should, er uh, plow my other mother…this day…today…mmm," he sighed dramatically. A few wizards and witches who knew it was Godwin clapped I guess they didn't know Chrirtovort was supposedly on the loose? Because if they did they would probably tell Godwin it too soon so let's assume this did not happen. Instead, BIG Jack Horner came along with his magic gun shaped gun.
"OH fuck, there he is," was all Jack Horner needed to say before killing a man.
And so, Godwin Groomwell met his gruesome end. But you knew that already. Well, not that it wasn't the REAL Christovort. Though the joke is Godwin would say he is the real Christovort and that the other Christovort was the fake, and, look, we're getting off track. Just know, Christovort is still alive! What more, he never even escaped Impel Down. He just wandered off, wait time out, just remembered last chapter the other author did say it was Liquid Chrisovort. Okay, guess there was no reveal at all. Well, the guard who reported Christovort's escape got in trouble for causing such a stir but he's still employed at Incel Down so it's all good really.
Chapter 6: The Big Trio Three
"Really? You're just gonna transition like that?" Jack Horner said, unimpressed with ME trying to do some world building. "Well, it stinks. Who cares about some loser cosplaying another loser? I certainly don't. Not that I have remorse for killing the wrong guy, mind you."
"I'm more bothered by the name of the chapter," said Snape, opening up a diet potion and readying a straw because he was one of those people. "Is the use of the word 'three' necessary after the word 'trio'?"
"Oh you're still here," Jack Horner said like big man on a big mission, which he was. "Thought you died earlier."
"No, but I did," said the ghost of one Angelica Goodthought, phasing through the castle wall behind them.
"A ghost!" Jack Horner cried. "Hang on, I think I have a ghostbuster vacuum in here somewhere," he said, reaching for it in his magic nanny bag.
"And just how will you find the magical artifacts Dumbledore tasked you with gathering?" Angelia said, hovering over Jack Horner. "You don't even know what the artifacts ARE do you? And even if you did you have no idea where to look for them."
"This is starting to sound kind of familiar," Jack Horner said, feeling uncharacteristically not-big and rather disquieted in an even deeper morbid metaness than he was accustomed to.
"Hmpf!" Angelic crossed her arms. "You don't have a single clue in that bag of yours, I see. No matter, since you did have me MURDERED and I have no choice but to HAUNT you, I suppose I'll have to be your guide for this misadventure you've dragged all of us into."
Snape blushed, "I blush. Has the pitiful Serverus Snape at last been counted in something that isn't a magical watch list?"
"I have to haunt this child murderer since higher powers have tasked me with redeeming his dark, evil soul," Angelia said, perhaps not realizing that this was Jack D. 'give me a child and a club and things will get wild' Horner. "You, Professor Snape, I don't know why you're here. Have nothing better to do on a Tuesday night?"
"This cursed child is full of snark," Snape observed.
"This cursed child is my Anook, you idiot," Jack Horner slapped the back of Snape's head.
"It's settled then," Angelica the, "we, and I guess Snape, will search for these magical items. Which, by the way, are-"
"Wait, hold on, I wasn't listening" Jack said hocking a BIG loogie. "Where the FUCK is the map?"
Snape was confused. "Sorry, yeah…we don't get the greatest GPS signal in the enchanted realms…"
"Not THAT maps, dipshit!" Big Jack threw Snape's phone in a comedically placed sewer grate which is all he deserves for making such a careless mistake. "The Map of Infinity! Or was it To Infinity? Oh whatever."
MEANWHILE, Ripto had finally worked up the nerve and courage to get back in the limelight!
"Wait, what's this?" Ripto peered closer at the sheet of paper that manifested into his hand…er, claws? Whatever appendage it was, I'm still picturing him as a low poly, 32bit Ripto. "Oh, this is just fanart I drew of that dragon working at Subway."
No one else question that nod to continuity. We're moving on now…
Then Fumbles tripped over A DIFFERENT, previously unmentioned sheet of paper. I put that there, looks like he lived up to his name! Please feel free to laugh.
"Drat, foiled again by a sight gag!" He grumbled as he dusted himself off, the floors of the interior are dirtier than Kaiba would have led you to believe. "Hey Krypto, what is this sheet of paper about anyway?"
"It's RIPTO, you troglodyte, cock su- I mean, my mutually respected working partner!" Ripto then snatched it from Frederick. You let me know in the comments as to whether we should commit to claws or hands! "What in the actual cuckold is THIS? Probably some deviantart commission I asked for long ago." He then banished it to his…drawers? Trousers? Let's not dwell on this gross scenario I created!
But then, it began to glow a magical glow! What would that look like? Ask yourself that question because I'm not committing to a design just yet! "Hey, that's no fetish art, you orange prick! Give me that!"
After a pointless squabble that lasted a few seconds (they're both laughably weak), the map unearthed itself and began to show the direct coordinates to Hogwarts! Macguffin? Or cleverly setup plot device? You decide! Either way, in the here and now, it sure is awfully convenient to create a way to get them out of the mess I put them in!
"As I thought" Fumbles said with shadows over his eyes, like when anime characters figure out things in a detective series, minus the glasses. "Why in the name of Albus Dumbledore did you not tell me you were in the position of the Map of Infinity?"
Ripto was stunned, even HE was unsure of what it was doing here! "Huh, neat! I guess that tub of lard must have dropped it when stealing my scepter! Guess we have the upper hand again! Gahaha-hack. So umm…what does it do again?"
Fumbles facepalmed, also like in the cartoons. "It shows the location of any magical equipment…or even, any magical BEING."
Ripto was flabbergasted. I just wanted to use that vocab word somewhere. "Wait! So what you're saying is…I CAN FINALLY USE THIS TO TRACK DOWN MY GIRLFRIEND, ELORA!"
I slapped Ripto from beyond the fourth wall for reaching such a stupid conclusion. On behalf of everyone who had to endure that, you're welcome, Fumbles.
"You know, had you given me this a few chapters earlier, we could have used my warp spell and been there by now. But no, I had to ally myself with a narcissistic, nimrod with potholders for hands!" Fumbles then said the magical words, and you can say it with us at home! "Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight…I wish for"
"My scepter back!" Ripto interrupted.
…But nothing happened because that isn't how the map even works.
"Umm…sorry. Lead on, slavemancer." Ripto sat quietly in the corner with a dunce cap on for the remaining duration of the scene.
"...Anyway, take us back to the plot, with the man Jack who…aww dangit. I can't think of anything that rhymes with 'plot'. I'm starting over!" Said Fumbles. Classic Fumbles.
But that was close enough, so the Map took pity on them and skadood them to Hogwarts, presumably leaving the now abandoned Blue Eyes White Jet to rot where it lay. Fortunately, Kaiba isn't available for comment on this recent development for the time being, so keep your eyes glued to the next few chapters coming up!
"Like hell I won't comment on this!" Kaiba pinged me on Discord. "Don't you understand? I'm stoking demand for the audience' sake! They'll be BEGGING for me to come back soon enough." Then he set himself to invisible, which was fooling absolutely no one because it said he was streaming to his only server.
And that brings this chapter to a close, because I am one of those Patrons and I really don't want to miss out on this stream!
To be conuted…