LAST TIME ON THE LAST CHAPTER TIME
"I can't believe that magic door took us to the magic sands of Agrabol," said Angelica Goodthought.
"Hey look it's the Sultan," said Jack Horner.
"I am the Sultun," said Sultan. "I would introduce you to my daughter and my evil adviser but they have eloped to the temple of Hamanontrop!"
"I guess that's where we're going," said Jack Horner and they did.
Then big booby statue activate big booby trap after jack tried to use his hook shot on the nipples and the temple begin to collapse on evil adviser and daughter I just forgot to write about last time. But we did remember to introduce,
"My evil twin brother," Snape cried as NERVERUS Snape ran off with the amulet. And he was laughing like: NYEAHHAHAHA!
He also for some reason, in his other hand, held a slightly used tissue. That smelled like spoiled milk. Hm…
I forgot to write that in the last chapter, eh you get it right? It's alright, I'll use that plot point in a future chapter. Follow AceWindow for more.
And now…
Chapter 9: Head on the Heel, Pedal on the Metal
"Well," Jack Horner said, rubbing his rump after the portal spit them into the next location, "sure was kind of Snape to sacrifice himself for us."
"Um," Angelica um'd so hard it actually angered quit a few readers as it reminded them of that one girl at school, "I think that was more you kicking him into the quicksand trap in order to escape yourself. In fact, I think you already had a firm grip on the rope leading out of the portal so the whole kicking thing wasn't necessary."
"I mean, let's be honest here, was he ever going to develop meaningfully beyond a gag character?" Jack asked the audience, and if you're at home right now, you can participate in this week's discord poll! Don't worry, we won't read your suggestions! "Besides, this story is packed tightly enough as it is. How many main characters are we shuffling as it is?"
Big Jack took out magic cigar and lit it using hot fairy ashes. Don't ask.
"What's next? Are our brilliant writers going to needlessly shove in more characte-"
MEANWHILE
Elsewhere, location not disclosed. Jinn Urameshi, age something, sneezed because we were talking about him just now. But, that has nothing to do with this.
Actual plot relevant character, Setowned Kaiba, was on the war path to dominating Hogwarts off-screen! Initially, I planned to reveal that information later, but now seems fine. Y'see, fellow reader, he knew that Ripto planned to hijack his Blue-Eyes White jet all along, and unbenknownst to him and Fumbles, placed a tracking beacon on Ripto's right thigh. How he didn't notice is beyond us, it's almost like a sloppily written retcon but this was actually my plan all along. Kaiba's REAL goal was never Avalar, that was just a petty grudge match against his opponent. His ACTUAL plan was to take over the omniverse, no, not THAT Omniverse. I like that one. As in, the infinite numbers of reality created incidentally by none other than Drum Solo, but you have to go and read that on your own time or wait until we finally write a new chapter for that series. A refined piece of literature waits for no man or woman, last I checked. So, Kaiba had once heard Yugi talk nonchalantly about Hogwarts and that all of his Shadow magic originates from there. However, he mistook Avalar for Hogwarts because his coordinates were wrong. See? That's why he took over Avalar, he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. However, he cleverly sat back and waited for Ripto and Fumbles, I guess, to lead him right to it.
Now, you might be wondering to yourself, understandably so, how can he take over Hogwarts so effortlessly? Well, I remind you, he IS Kaiba after all. So screw your imagination.
"Hey, you geezers are cramping my style. Here, have some large piles of moolah, that means money for all you boomers out there. Now get leave, I need to do some serious rennovations to make this meet up to my standards of coolness. I pay people to do that, minimally of course." Said Kaiab, taking a sledge hammer to what once was DumbleDore's palace throne room.
"Okay, but you promise to make me a mod in your Discord server, right?" Asked Dumbledore. Couldn't think of a line to throw Jim.
"Hmm, how about I give you the DJ role and I WON'T kill you later in the story?"
And this was a good deal, and now you know how Kaiba took over the school! This will be on the test later, so make a mental note of it and have it in the back of your mind for waaaaayy later…
AS THIS WERE
Jack Horner was holding a blender filled with pink and blue glowing orbs, "And once you get the blender filled with fairies you're read to hit on and-" BRZZZZZZZZZZZ! Old Ben Solo probably felt that one, dear reader! Angelica watched with horror as Jack Horner poured his- "My signature fairy smoothie! Want a sip? Oh! Right. I killed you already. Eh! More for me!" Jack Horner then gulped down his fresh fairy smoothie and his cheeks and belly jiggle in real time because those effects were actually in the movie.
"Uh, Jack," said Angelica, "I think I'm having a hard time finding the good in your immortal soul. Especially if you're doing stuff like blending fairies into smoothies and drinking them."
"What? There's nothing bad about it. In fact, there's a lot of protein in fairies."
"Well, at any rate," Angelica said, not sure how else to follow up such a blatant like of remorse of fairy genocide, "now that's Snape most likely drowned to death in a pit of sand, we're going to have to really double down on finding the four magical artifacts of Hogwarts."
"Ah yeah. The four magical artifacts of Hogwarts. About that. I googled what those were when you were in the magical ghost girl's room and turns out…I already have them all!"
"You what!?"
"Yeah, that amulet Snape's brother ran off with last chapter was just some replica for the real one I already had from the start! Turns out when you amass a magical collection of artifacts you collect them all before you even realize. Not sure what took that Ash kid so long but I don't judge losers, lucky for you."
Angelica Goodthought was enraged. "I am enraged! If you have all the artifacts then what are we doing out here!?"
"Excellent question, care to answer, narrator? Er, narrators?" Jack inquisitively threw the ball in our court, or I guess keyboard in this case.
Power?
"Oh yes, my consistent character motivation! How could I forget?" Jack laughed. "I want to own EVERYTHING. Including the Mafia, maybe sick'em after that old bag of bones DumbleDwarf, or whatever his name is. I can't be bothered to remember."
And so, our now two, mostly alive brave heroes stepped towards the front of the admissions desk. The tickets were REALLY expensive, so instead of paying, Jack Horner put Angelica Goodthought up as collateral to gain admittance. She would have voiced her disapproval, except I didn't write any dialogue here to prevent conflict. I guess, in universe, Jack used magic duct tape? Works for us!
"Ah, what a satisfying turn of events, and certainly NOT a disappointing journey thus far!" Said Jack. "Now, what kind of rides does this place have? I've been a VERY good boy, after all! Couldn't hurt to reward myself every now and then."
And so, without a care in the world despite what we wrote earlier, Big Jack was all set to enjoy his BIG day of fun! First, he went on the roller coaster of doom, which was just a kiddy coaster with like, one small 10ft drop. Hey, they had to have SOMETHING to offer the children to draw audiences to Mafia World! If nothing else, it gave the parents an excuse to leave their kids behind for a few minutes, or hours. Depends on the parents really. Wait, why would they bring their kids to something titled MAFIA WORLD? I can't make heads or tails of this world, and I wrote it! Speaking of Mafia, have you guys ever watched Forrest Gump? What was up with that ending?
Then, he went to the magic bar! It was a bar, but with magic. They offered the usual slew of drinks, sleepy potions, fairy smoothies on the rocks, crushed elven brew. Jack was supposed to pay for the glass he was using, or he could just steal all of it in his bag. Guess which option he went with? If Angelica were witnessing these events, this would only corroborate her earlier protestations. Poor, poor Kagome. Can't feel good to be a neglected character in this series, oh well, enough dwelling on the moral implications!
Then he visited the shooting gallery, drunk. Magically drunk? Sure. Probably not the best idea to give him a loaded gun, let alone a magical gun. Oh right, we established he had one of those already. Regardless, in his triumphant moment of drunken stoopur, managed to shoot a bunch on onlookers. Not the witches and wizards, mind you, the harmless Muggle onlookers who happened to be there on vacation for the day! As luck would have it, this was standard practice for the place, I mean, it IS named Mafia World after all. They had to sign a waiver, not too dissimilar to Hogwarts now that I think about it.
"Wow, what a productive time for all!" Said Jack, sobered up apparently.
…Hey, reader? You there?
Okay, listen up. We're gonna ditch these geezers writing the story and keep having fun! Oh don't worry about those other guys, just focus on me, Big Jack Horner! Capiche?
So, as I was having the funnest vacation ever…What? Funnest isn't a word? Fuck you guys, it's my story and what I say goes! Right click ignore all that shit!
So the funnest adventure of all time was happening, when I ran into the Ministry of Magic. Remember them? Me neither. Hold on, I'mma try something and let them talk to see if they can make sense of this.
"Good evening, Mr. Jack Horner." Said…whoever this guy is. He had a really thin mustache. No, not that thin. "Ah yes, we've heard ALL about your exploits throughout the Realms. What brings you to Mafia World?"
…Honestly, I forget. Lemme check…Oh right!
"Umm, because I've been a good boy?" I said.
"Normally, I would question that internal logic, but since you are currently the narrator and author, I won't."
Good. Moving on.
"Now wait just a moment there! Aren't you going to ask us for something?"
Was I? I guess I may as well take advantage of this opportunity while the writers aren't looking.
"Oh right, yeah. Sure, you can work for me. But don't speak, ever. The writers don't have the tact to make meaningful character interaction. Just give me the keys to the Ministry of Magic and all will be forgiven."
"Okay. Just please don't kill us, we know how notorious you are for murdering people without a moment's hesitation."
No promises, dear viewers. But I pulled a fast one on them.
"Deal, until I change my mind later. Oh, and do me a favor. Well actually, I'm not asking, change the name of this place to Jack World! Oh, and also, I get one-hundred percent of the profits."
Okay, and rather than give him a chance to dispute that, we'll just skip over his option. And that was the story of how I came to be the owner of a cool theme park!
…What? You want me to give the others screen time? Not this chapter, no siree! Uh oh, the writers are back from their lunch break.
Read me again next week!
But then! The story went on because somebody in the writing room fell asleep and the stick shift wasn't only just put into overtime! It was put into [spoiler]FOURTH PERSON MODE[/spoiler]
We see Jack Horner enter the castle belonging to Mafia World. There we see him opening up a big treasure chest that reads, 'FORGET ABOUT'IT.' But we know Jack Horner would do no such thing.
And just before this chapter finally ends. We see Jack Horner look to the camera and say:
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And then, the laptop clos-