iii.
It goes like this:
You are a painted girl, a porcelain doll on display for all to see.
The face you wear is not your own, but you don the mask and play your part dutifully.
You were not promised a place in this world, so you take it by force, fueled only by a dream.
You have traveled a great distance to be here.
Your journey's end will soon draw near.
...
For as long as you can remember, your life has been linked to the sea.
You come into this world with salt air in your lungs and the gentle lull of the tide rocking you to sleep, and you take your first steps on a pier with the water lapping lightly at your ankles.
You spend your days atop rolling waters and your nights suspended in starlight, and it's a simple life, but a good one nonetheless.
You have food and shelter and your mother, and you have a constant companion in the wide open water.
For a time, that is enough.
But you are a girl, and a poor one at that, and the world is not kind to girls like you.
The sea tries to shield you, but you are already slipping from its grasp.
...
The waves are restless in the morning light.
Up on the deck, you stand perfectly still, just as you were taught to, eyes scanning the waters as you have done every morning since you boarded the ship.
You should not be here.
This is not your place.
But what's done is done, for better or for worse, and you can't turn back the clock, no matter how hard you try.
If you're being honest with yourself, you're not sure you would, even if given the chance.
It's a horrible thing to admit, but worse yet to leave festering in your chest, so you whisper your shameful, selfish truth as softly as you can, letting the wind lift your words over troubled waters.
There is no one to hear you but the sea, and the sea doesn't judge.
Before you had Mei Mei, the sea was your first and only friend.
It carried all of your hopes and dreams once.
Now, it carries only your secret.
...
You meet Mei Mei shortly before your tenth birthday.
She is one of the new girls working at the brothel, and you quickly become as close as sisters, much to your mother's chagrin.
You do everything together, and around town, everyone always greets the two of you with smiles and waves, though Mei Mei is the one who attracts most of the attention.
People are always quick to compliment her on her beauty, her elegance, her potential, and they never say it out loud, but it's clear that they see you as a flower past bloom who pales in comparison.
Your mother tells you to ignore them, but it's hard not to take the comments to heart.
Before you know it, the seeds of jealousy have been planted, and in time, they grow thorns.
...
Sometimes, in the early evenings, when the setting sun hits the water just right, you swear you can see her floating among the waves.
You know it's only an illusion.
By now, she has surely sunk to the bottom of the ocean.
But that doesn't stop you from gripping the railing anyway, waiting day after day, hoping to catch another glimpse.
Late at night, you lie awake, haunted by the thought of her out there in dark waters.
Will her spirit ever find its way home again?
When all this is over, will yours?
...
The other women made this life look so easy, so effortless, but now that you're here, it's not what you imagined.
They were always gossiping about their handsome clients who showered them with expensive gifts, as you and Mei Mei, the two youngest, listened attentively, enthralled by their glamorous stories.
You mother warned you, she begged you not to be tempted, but you were naive and you were stubborn, and you didn't listen.
Even knowing what your mother sacrificed, what she endured to make a living for the two of you, you still couldn't help but be captivated.
Maybe if the other girls had told you about the long hours it took them to get dressed, about their other clients, the ones who weren't young and handsome, about their aching knees and hips, maybe then you wouldn't have been so intent on pursuing this life.
Or maybe you would have chosen it still.
This is not the life you imagined, but it is a freedom of sorts, in its own way.
And you will gladly pay the price.
...
The sea beats fiercely on against the ship's hull.
It's a message for you, a warning of what will come next.
But you are lost in a fog of your own memories.
You don't hear it until it's too late.
...
Looking back now, you can't recall the exact moment you decided to take Mei Mei's place.
Perhaps there was never just one.
It was the culmination of a lifetime spent hiding and begging and waking up both relieved and disappointed that you lived to see another day.
It was years spent living in your friend's shadow, as she blossomed and bloomed in her beautiful clothes, while you worked until your hands were red and raw from saltwater.
It was the thorns that had burrowed into your heart, turning your dearest friend into your greatest rival.
It was all of those things, and it is this: you are a selfish girl.
You dared to covet a life that was never meant to be yours.
And your friend is the one who paid the price.
...
The world is cruel to girls like you, greedy girls who take what does not belong to them.
But you can be cruel too, and you refuse to be trampled and used, as so many girls have been before you.
You will do whatever it takes to survive, and you will make the same choice every time.
...
It's a clear, sunny day, your fifth morning on the ship, when you hear your name from somewhere beyond the horizon.
You were right after all, Mei Mei is still out there, and she's been out there this whole time, beckoning you to join her.
Alone in your lavish room, you set down the fan and make your way to the deck along with all of the other passengers, waiting patiently as they each climb overboard, one by one.
Ahead of you, a boy about your age pulls himself over the railing, and when he lifts his gaze, he looks at you in a way no one else ever has before.
You stare back, noting his dirty face and his kind eyes, and the voice in your ears falls silent.
You keep watching him until it looks as if he is about to speak, and you wait with bated breath, wondering what he will say.
But then he lets go of the rail, vanishing into the water below, and Mei Mei's voice returns, pulling you towards her once again as if in a dream.
You step forward, the boy already fading from your memory, and with another step, you follow him into the depths below.
As you take your last breath, you swear you can feel your friend's arms around you.
But perhaps it is only the rippling of the sea.