September 15, 1977
"You're almost there, just a few more steps," Madam Pomfrey said from a few feet in front of me, her hands outstretched to catch me should I fall. But I wouldn't fall. We'd been at this for a week, working up to walking all the way down the corridor unassisted. If I could make it she'd let me leave, and I was not going to spend another night in that bloody hospital wing.
"Come on Ginny," I whispered to myself as I took the last two steps over the 'finish line'. I leaned against the wall and heaved a huge sigh as Madame Pomfrey smiled down at me.
"Well, that settles that, let me get you a few potions to take with you and you can go," The matron smiled down at me. "You won't be training dragons tonight but if you take it easy over the weekend I don't see why you can't go to classes on Monday."
"Thank you," I smiled at her and slowly stood up. We made our way back to the hospital wing together.
"Albus should be down in a few minutes, he wanted to be here when you leave. Don't you leave without him."
"Yes, ma'am." It had been almost a week since I'd woken up. My symptoms had improved significantly but the effects of time travel were greater than we'd expected. Though Pomfrey was pleased with my accomplishments, I was disappointed. Ginny Weasley was not weak. Ginny Weasley was stronger than all of her brothers combined.
You're not Ginny Weasley. The voice in my head chided Ginny Cole.
No matter what my name was, I would never let myself be weak. I hadn't endured the past year by being weak. We entered the hospital wing to find Professor Dumbledore standing by my bed waiting for me.
"Well, someone looks better," He smiled.
"Thank you, Uncle," I replied sarcastically to the old man. I knew that my face was red, my hair was a rat's nest, and I was absolutely drenched in sweat. We'd been working for over an hour.
"She can go I think," Madame Pomfrey said to him, but then turned to me, "But you must promise me that you will take it easy."
"I promise not to try to fly cross country until at least tomorrow," I replied coolly. The matron fixed me with a glare that was interrupted by a laugh.
"Good thing that fall didn't knock the cheek out of you," She laughed and turned to go toward a cupboard next to her desk and pulled out a few vials. "Take all of these with dinner and this one before bed. I'll see you back here in a week for a check-up. And I don't want you doing anything reckless."
"Ay, ay cap'n" I saluted her, she rolled her eyes and left the room.
"Miss Cole, I was hoping you'd let me show you to Gryffindor tower," he asked.
"That would be great," I smiled at him. I collected my only belongings that littered my bedside table; my wand and the black bag Snape gave me. Inside of the bag was Snape's insurance policy, a guarantee that I would keep my promise. There was a Molly Weasley jumper with a large G on the front; one I thought had been left at Hogwarts when I'd fled. There was a Weasley photo album that I had no idea how the man had gotten his greasy fingers on. There was a small fortune with enough money to take care of an army. Finally, and the biggest insult of them all, was a note from the greasy-haired git himself.
Now we're even.
-S
It was an insurance policy. He knew I would never be able to live my life in debt to someone like him, or anyone for that matter. I hadn't been sure that I would live up to my word before, but now I knew I would have to. The git.
"Shall we?" Dumbledore extended his arm, and I accepted it gladly. We began the long walk from the hospital wing to Gryffindor tower. "I have enrolled you in the courses you requested, though Professor McGonagall was not thrilled with having you enter her N.E.W.T level class almost a month late."
"She won't regret it," I promised. Transfiguration, next to Defense Against the Dark Arts was my strongest subject. There was no way I would spend a year without it, even if that meant a mountain of catch-up work. "How goes the search?"
"There's not much to report, I'm afraid. I wasn't given much to go on, an old book, hidden, that holds the secret to defeating the dark lord."
"But you can't give up, you have to keep searching."
"Hush now, it is not your job to look. It is mine. You should live your life, be young, and be happy."
I stopped on the stairs, both because of the need to catch my breath but also because I was shocked at the idea. "Sir people have died, the students in this school will die. Some of them will suffer a fate far worse than death. You will die. How can I be young and happy when I know what Lord Voldemort will do to them when they leave? What he will do to me?" My face was red but it wasn't from the climb.
"We all will die one day my child, but if we live our lives so conscious of that fact how can that be considered living?" He looked at me from his spot on the stairs. We locked eyes and he reached his hand out to mine. I took it. "I fear that I know all too well what the future holds for my students. I hope that you will share your fears with me, Ginny. I also hope that you will share some joy with me too. It is okay to be happy. Love and hope is the greatest weapon we have against darkness. Don't you agree?"
"Yes, sir," I muttered, lowering my eyes in shame at having snapped at him.
"Now," He smiled, placing my hand back on his arm as he continued to walk toward the tower, "I was hoping you would tell me one thing about the future?"
"Sir, you made me promise-"
"Just one thing," He winked down at me, "Has Bertie Bott's ever brought back the liver-flavored bean? I've been writing them for years begging that it be reinstated."
"You like the liver flavor?"
"No, no of course not, but it did look nearly identical to the strawberry, Professor Sprout's favorite, and it was so fun to sneak them onto her plate when she wasn't looking." I laughed out loud at the thought of Albus Dumbledore playing a prank on his staff.
"Some secrets of the future I just won't tell Professor." I giggled at the man and watched him frown, but he never lost that twinkle. We walked the rest of the way to Gryffindor tower, stopping often so I could catch my breath, with Dumbledore pointing out his favorite paintings to me and me pointing to mine. Before long we'd reached the portrait of the fat lady.
"And now I bid you farewell dear Goddaughter. If you should need anything Professor McGonagall knows you're here and is more than willing to help. You could also contact me, though I find my work takes me away from the castle quite often these days."
"Will do."
He turned to the fat lady and said "Eye of Newt," the portrait swung open, "I'll see you in a little while at supper." He turned away and started down the stairs.
"Sir," I almost shouted before he got too far. "Thank you. For everything."
"Be happy, my child," He smiled. He turned away and walked down the stairs, leaving me to walk into the common room myself.
I stepped through the portrait hole and into the Gryffindor common room. It was different than before, or later, but the feeling was the same. The burgundy walls and plush sofas were a different shade than I remembered them, but they still instantly calmed and beckoned me inside. The fire still roared in its place and framed the room in a soft glow. The only thing missing was the students.
At 3:30 in the afternoon on a Thursday almost everyone was in class and anyone who wasn't was clearly taking in the sunshine outside. I took a moment to rest by the fire. It was the first time I'd been truly alone in months. At Muriel's, it was crowded with people, and the hospital wing was always bustling with students coming and going. I hadn't had a moment to myself. To be honest I didn't really want it. The second it was quiet, and I was alone with my thoughts, there was only one thing that came to mind.
I miss my mum.
The thought had been burning in the back of my mind for a week now, but I hadn't let it slip through the cracks. Not since the night that I'd nearly bled out in my hospital bed. The fact that I had been chosen for this mission, that I was playing an integral role in the defeat of Lord Voldemort made me jump for joy. However, my heart ached for the family that I had not been able to take with me. Were they okay? Had everyone made it out alive? Did Harry win?
Did my sacrifice even make a difference?
The scariest thought I'd had yet made me shiver in fear. What if everything had been for naught? What if after going back in time to help Dumbledore find the book that he needs, Harry isn't able to win? What if he dies?
I hadn't thought much about accepting, I was desperate to help Harry. He was my first love. My only love. I would have walked through fire if it meant helping him in his mission. I would have taken any number of Cruciatus curses if it meant anything. Harry didn't want my help, he thought it was too dangerous, but Dumbledore knew that I was important. Dumbledore believed in me. I would not let either of them down. They both needed me. I would not fail.
And then there was my family. Did they know why I'd left? Did they understand that I had to do it, to ensure that Voldemort wouldn't win? Were they searching for me now? No, I shook the thought out of my head before it could spiral away. If I had left a note for myself, surely there was one waiting on the other end for my mum to read too. Maybe I'd even be able to deliver that message in person. I laughed at the idea of walking into the victory of battle, the youngest Weasley now the oldest, and reuniting with them all. If there was even anyone to reunite with at all.
There would be. I said to myself. There will be. I chanted again. I would make sure of it. All of this would be worth it. I would help Dumbledore find the key to defeating Lord Voldemort and I would reunite with the people I loved in the end.
I stood up slowly, wiping the tears that had fallen off of my cheeks, and moved toward the staircase. At a different time, I would have climbed it with ease. I would've taken the steps three at a time, but not today. Today it looked like a mountain before me. I could hear my heart hammering in my ears as I started to climb it.
"Take it easy, Gin," I whispered to myself as I began to lose my breath on the first landing, "You can do this."
The stairs to the tower had been much easier to climb, probably because Dumbledore had been supporting me the whole way. Walking solo was not so easy. I paused on the second landing and attempted to catch my breath. The third and fourth-year dormitories were on my left and right. Two more landings to go. I let my heart calm itself and my breathing even and then continued.
On the third landing, I felt as if I could pass out, but I would not be defeated by a staircase. Not today.
"Are you alright?" I heard a voice behind me ask. The blood pounding in my ears had made it difficult to hear anyone approaching.
"Fine," I wheezed and turned my head to find a girl with long blonde hair staring at me with concern. "Just trying to make it to my room."
"Are you the new girl?" She asked.
"Mhmm," I replied as I leaned against the wall and tried to catch my breath. "Ginny."
"Marlene. Can I help you?"
"That would be great," I replied. "I'm not usually this pathetic."
"I'm not usually this nice, but if you'll keep my secret I'll keep yours," She smirked at me as she approached.
"Deal," I laughed. She wrapped her arm around my waist and helped to hoist me up the remaining stairs. It wasn't nearly as hard with some help. She opened the door to the seventh-year dormitories and helped me inside. "Thank you."
"No problem," She pointed to a bed that lay just to the right of the door, "That ones yours, showers through that door."
"Thank you," I said again, if she hadn't come to help I don't know if I would have made it up the stairs.
"I'm going to go to dinner in about an hour, if you're hungry I could show you how to get there."
"I thought you weren't this nice?"
She laughed loudly, "I'm not. But I am very nosy, so I'll be back to take you to dinner around five. You can repay me by answering all my questions."
"Sounds great," I replied, she grabbed a book from her trunk and started to leave. She stopped at the door.
"Are you gonna be okay in there-"
"It's just the stairs," I cut her off, "I'll see you in an hour." She laughed at me and waved as she left.
I heaved a sigh of relief at having made it all the way up the stairs and allowed myself to lie back onto my bed. Funnily enough, it was in the same place my bed always was at school, the coincidence was oddly comforting.
Marlene seemed nice but I couldn't for the life of me place her name. There wasn't a Marlene in the Order of my time, at least not one that was at the meetings in Grimmauld Place. Which meant she was either dead or a death eater. I felt my stomach give a slight lurch at the idea. Dead or Death Eater. Was that the new game I'd be playing for the rest of my life?
She could have never joined the Order, Ginny. The voice in my head chided.
I shook the thoughts out of my head. I may not know her fate, but she had helped me and anyone who helped me in my time of need was good in my book. As I lay sprawled over the comforter I felt the salt from sweat begin to dry on my face and remembered just how horribly I wanted to shower.
I sat up slowly and looked toward the trunk at the bottom of my bed. Dumbledore had been kind enough to let me make a list of items I'd want and order them all for me. At least Snape's bribe would be good for something. I'd never had new clothes in my life. I dug through my trunk to find bottles of Magic Mane shampoo and conditioner. I pulled out a fluffy blue robe and began to hobble over to the showers.
Thirty minutes later I was sufficiently scrubbed and felt like a new woman. There was nothing better than a hot shower. After a quick dig through my trunk, I found a pair of black jeans and a warm green sweater to put on. I'd given Dumbledore my old sizes, the sweater was big and the jeans hung loosely at my hips. Any womanly shape I might have gained during the sixth year of Hogwarts had been lost. The stress of everyone you know and love possibly dying, and your way of life being destroyed coupled with a lack of food really helped a girl lose a few pounds.
I sat on the bed and brushed my damp hair with more care than I ever did. It felt odd to be here. When I'd left there was a war raging around me. People had been fighting for their lives just feet away from me, and I would have joined them if it hadn't been for Snape. Here the battle was light-years away. It was whispered. No death eaters walked the halls and threatened to whip me for vandalism. I wouldn't be asked to practice the Cruciatus curse on the first years. I didn't have to wonder where my next meal would come from.
It felt so wrong to be here, but it was for my family. It was to save them. It was to save Harry. It was to kill Tom Riddle and make sure that he would never possess little girls again.
My thoughts were interrupted as Marlene walked in followed by another girl I didn't know.
"Ginny?" Marlene called as she entered.
"Over here," I waved.
"This is Dorcas Meadowes, Dor this is Ginny." Marlene introduced me to a beautiful tall blonde girl with big blue eyes. She reminded me of Luna without the far-away dreamy look.
Luna, my heart ached at the thought.
"Oh my god, we've been dying to meet you," Dorcas ran over to me and shook my hand enthusiastically. "They brought in a fifth bed on Sunday, and we've been speculating left, right, and center about the new girl. You're not a snorer are you?"
"Not the last time I checked," I laughed at the carefree attitude of the girl before me.
"I win, now you have to let me borrow that skirt next Hogsmede trip," Dorcas called over her shoulder to Marlene.
"But it's brand new," Marlene whined.
"A deal's a deal," Dorcas smirked over at her friend.
"Fine," Marlene said through gritted teeth, "bitch." she muttered just loud enough for us to hear.
"Don't worry about Marley, she's just a sore loser," Dorcas said to me with a laugh. "I bet you're hungry."
"You'd be right," I smiled up at her, "But I don't think I have any cute skirts for you to wear to Hogsmede." Both Dorcas and Marlene laughed loudly at my joke. Clearly, we would get along. I smiled at the idea of finding friends whose fates I couldn't remember.
"We'll call it even since it's your first day," Dorcas smiled, "Now come on, I want cake."
"Cake sounds nice," I replied. Slowly I stood up, holding onto the bedpost for balance as I slipped on my brand new trainers. The room spun for just a moment as all the blood rushed to my head, a residual side effect of time travel that Dumbledore said would go away with time. When I was able to see straight again I saw that both Marlene and Dorcas were staring at me with concern.
"You alright?" Dorcas asked.
"Yes, had a bit of a rough time getting here. I'm still not good as new, but good enough," I laughed a little to get the girls to change the subject and started toward the door. "Well, are you coming?"
"Sure thing," Both girls rushed over to the door and Dorcas led the way to the Great Hall. They were more than helpful in guiding me on my way. They pointed out various landmarks to help me find my way around and even caught me when I tripped a few times. By the time we'd reached the Great Hall Marlene was in the middle of telling a very embarrassing story about Dorcas and a boy named Harrison Dogely being caught in a broom cupboard by Professor Flitwick when someone shouted my name very loudly.
"GINEVRA COLE AS I LIVE AND BREATHE!" James Potter shouted across the great hall. I felt every head in the room turn to stare at me in that instant. My face felt hot. For a moment I thought about turning and booking it out of the room, but Marlene's arm tightened around mine and pulled me through the doorway and into the Great Hall.
"How do you know James Potter?" Marlene drawled, she was eyeing the boy like a piece of meat.
"We met in the hospital wing," I whispered, everyone was still watching us as we walked over to where he and Remus sat. I glared daggers at James as we walked over.
"You know Potter I always thought you had a thing for redheads," Marlene drawled as we sat down.
"Only one redhead for me," James winked at Marlene and then turned his head toward another redhead who sat on the opposite end of the table glaring daggers at me. She caught my gaze and abruptly turned away. I was stunned, I knew those eyes. Harry's eyes.
"Ginny, when did you get out of the hospital wing?" Remus asked me from across the table.
"An hour ago?" I replied, my face was finally turning a normal color and everyone had obviously gone back to their meals.
"You were able to make it all the way to Gryffindor Tower on your own?" Remus asked.
"I had some help," I conceded glancing over to the Teachers table where Dumbledore smiled at me with a twinkle in his eyes. I turned back to Remus, "Speaking of help, would you mind whacking your friend there. I promised Madam Pomfrey that I wouldn't strain myself" I glared at James who sat directly across from me.
"Ginny, please, you don't have to do this," The boy raised his hands in surrender, "I just got excited."
"What'd James get excited about then?" Sirius asked as he sat down in between Dorcas and me, and reached for a bowl of shepherd's pie, and piled it onto his plate.
"I was just excited to see my newest friend-" James began.
"So you decided to embarrass me in front of the entire great hall." I finished for him. Sirius began to spoon food onto my empty plate.
"James is a git," Sirius said. He placed the bowl back in the center of the table and then stood up and hit James over the head. "Got him for you, Red," Sirius smirked over at me as he took a bite of his food. "Tuck in."
I felt Marlene kick me under the table, I turned to her abruptly and her face was burning with a million questions. Later I mouthed. I picked up my fork and started to slowly tackle the mountain of food Sirius had put in front of me.
"So boys, when's the next prank of the year? You'll have to top the last one, I've never seen so many Slytherin's crying at once." Dorcas smiled at Sirius and James.
"When I've recovered from this heartbreaking injury," James muttered as he rubbed his head.
"Not to undermine your pain James, but don't you think you should be a little more sensitive with Ginny right here. I mean her head almost exploded," Remus joked with his friend. Marlene and Dorcas gasped
"It didn't almost explode!" I shot Remus an exasperated look, "It just took a pretty hard hit is all."
"It took Madam Pomfrey a whole week to heal it, it might as well have exploded," Sirius replied letting out a barking laugh.
"They're making it sound worse than it is," I said to Dorcas and Marlene as the boys shoveled food into their mouths. "I'm fine. Madam Pomfrey wouldn't have let me leave if I wasn't. And I am quite capable of serving myself, Sirius." I snapped at the boy next to me as he started to shovel potatoes onto my plate.
"I like my women with some meat on them, Red." Sirius winked. I felt my pinks twinge in pink, but it was no blush.
"So do you know what classes you'll be taking?" Remus interjected quickly, diverting my attention away from Sirius just as the boy landed a massive pile of potatoes onto my plate.
"Yes," I said with gritted teeth. "Potions, Transfiguration, Arithmancy, Defense, Charms, and Astronomy."
"So just the easy classes then?" Marlene joked, she relished in the fact that all of the boys laughed at her. She reminded me of myself once upon a time. Long before battles at the ministry, and stealing from the headmaster's office I'd been able to hold everyone's attention like this. I decided that I liked Marlene. She reminded me of a different version of myself.
The rest of dinner continued in carefree banter. I managed to stay out of it mostly, piping up when the right quip came to mind. Mostly, I just watched and ate. The mountain of food turned into a small hill but there was no way I could have finished it. Remus eyed me suspiciously but didn't say anything.
Remus had become a good companion. He was kind, funny, and didn't push me to answer questions. I trusted him. I saw in him the man he would become. Before me was the boy who would lay his life on the line time and time again for his friends. I saw in him the professor who would help a scarred little girl move on.
"Miss Weasley, thank you for meeting me," Professor Lupin smiled from his desk. The room was covered in the oddest collection of knick-knacks I could imagine. A cage filled with fluffy colorful creatures sat in one corner of the room, while a shelf next to it housed a chest that grumbled every few minutes. A teapot that looked older than Hogwarts itself flew off the bookshelf and onto his desk. "Tea?"
"Thank you," I said, my voice barely above a whisper. I'd spent my entire first week back at school avoiding any and everyone around me. The mistakes of the last year haunted me at every corner. I still struggled to look at Nearly Headless Nick without crying.
"Now, I wanted to ask how you were getting on?" The man asked as he poured me a piping hot cup of tea.
"Fine," I said.
"I think it's best, Miss Weasley, that we don't lie to each other. Don't you?"
I shrunk at the question. How did he read me so quickly? "Yes, sir."
"The other professors told me about what happened last year. I've been forced to do things that I am not proud of in my life. I understand how difficult it can be to move on. How are you really getting on?"
My eyes filled with tears that I fought back with every fiber of my being. I would not cry in front of someone I barely knew let alone my professor. And yet, everything in me was begging to just say what was on my mind. "I've been better." I conceded.
Professor Lupin placed a teacup in front of me that I didn't take and leaned back in his chair with his own. "Can I tell you a secret, Ginny?"
No professor had ever called me by my first name before, it felt oddly intimate, and yet I liked it. "Sure."
"The actions of one sadistic man changed the course of my life forever when I was a boy." My head reeled, what on earth was this about? "That man's actions have caused me to become something that I hate" He took a long pause, "and yet, despite the pain he caused me, and the pain I caused others by proxy, I was still able to live my life. I was able to grow up to be a man I rather like, was able to stand up for what I thought was right, and made friends who became my family." He sipped his tea slowly and studied me for a reaction. "I guess I'm just trying to tell you that it will get better."
"When?" I asked.
"One day," He took another sip of his tea, "and when it feels as if it isn't I would like to offer you my ear or my shoulder to cry on."
"Thank you, Professor," I said and let one tear slip past the barrier I'd constructed in my head. I leaned forward and took the teacup from the edge of the table and sipped slowly. For the first time in almost six months, I let the warmth spread over me and allowed myself to breathe.
I hobbled down the stairs slowly, knowing that I was going to regret coming down here the minute I started up the stairs again, but the darkness of the dormitory was far too much tonight. It made me feel uneasy and anxious. I couldn't lie in the bed any longer. The space was suffocating, the soft breathing of my roommates too loud, and the darkness all-encompassing. It crawled across my skin in the night like dozens of spiders come to carry me into the forbidden forest, leaving me squirming and unable to shake the feeling. The only thing I could think of that might bring me relief was a warm fire, and a good book.
I walked into the common room and found it completely empty. It was still early in the term for students to be buried beneath mountains of homework. I relished in the empty room and found the coziest spot on one of the couches closest to the fire.
It brought me comfort in the way that making my mum's chicken soup always did, it was warm, inviting, and nostalgic all at once even if it wasn't quite right. The couch wasn't the same as the one I remembered. The cushions were a little too plush, the color a little too bright, but the fire kept me warm and the pillows beckoned me to lean back and relax. I guess I should get used to this feeling, this 'almost' feeling – almost right, almost happy, almost.
Lost in my thoughts, I hadn't heard the portrait hole open and someone walk in. It wasn't until they plopped down next to me that I even realized I was no longer alone.
"You know Madam Pomfrey would be very disappointed to see you out of bed at this hour," Sirius said with a smirk across his face. The fire cloaked us in a warm amber glow that danced across his face.
"Well, the only way she'd find out is if someone told her," I replied as I turned my eyes to his, "and no one is going to do that are they?"
"Not I," Sirius raised his hands in surrender but didn't bother wiping the smirk off his face. "What are you doing up this late? Mummy dearest wouldn't like that."
"She doesn't like much of anything these days," I replied coolly. I heard Sirius take in a sharp breath.
"Shit, I didn't mean to-"
"Don't worry about it," I said solemnly. I regretted saying it instantly, but it was like a reflex that I couldn't control.
"I don't always think before I-"
"Sirius Black admits that he doesn't think?" I gasped in surprise, hoping that the game would return. "Shall I write to the prophet about this breaking discovery?"
"You wouldn't dare," He challenged me. The game was back on his face, but it didn't quite reach his eyes this time.
"You're right," I replied, "They wouldn't care much anyway." Sirius let out a barking laugh and leaned back against the couch, he studied me for a while as I turned back to my transfiguration textbook. I felt his eyes travel from the top of my head down to my toes – the same way he'd been looking at me for nearly two weeks. Since he'd found me bleeding in my hospital bed, he was always watching me like I was something precious – something he had to be careful with. I squirmed under his scrutiny, never taking my eyes away from the book even though I'd read the same sentence 4 times. I fought the blush that crept up my neck and flicked my hair to hide the slowly reddening cheeks from his gaze.
"What are you doing up this late?" He asked quietly as if he might scare me if he spoke too loud.
"Well I thought it was quite obvious," I said gesturing to the textbook, still avoiding his piercing blue eyes.
"But really."
I sighed and closed the textbook, turning my gaze to the flickering fire. "I have a lot on my mind."
"Too much gossip after dinner?" Sirius asked. "In my defense Marlene wanted me to skip a quidditch match to console her when Goblin's Glory broke up."
"Skip quidditch?" I laughed at the idea and finally met his eyes. They lit up under my attention and for a fleeting a second I thought his cheeks might have reddened too, but it was gone too soon to know for sure.
"That's what I said." He laughed.
"In Marlene's defense, she did say you were a good snog." The minute it left my mouth I instantly regretted it. A good snog? Really Ginny?
"Oh care to find out?" Sirius waggled his eyebrows at me.
"In your dreams, Black." I tossed a pillow in his direction, which he caught easily.
"See you there, Cole," He smirked at me. I felt warmth spread through my stomach. Was I flirting with Sirius Black?
Absolutely not, he's old enough to be your father. But no one's father had ever looked at me like this before. Not even Harry looked at me like this, like he wanted to see every part of me. I shook my head at the idea. "What's Goblin's Glory?"
"You don't know Goblin's Glory?" He asked in amazement.
"Sorry, no," I shook my head.
"They were shite anyway."
"I'll take your word for it," I smiled over at him and he smiled back. I watched as the light danced over his features, the chiseled jaw twitched as he grinned revealing perfectly straight wolf-like teeth. His cheeks were tinted pink at the warmth of the fire and maybe from the warmth of my presence too. I studied his face that bore five freckles and one scar just under his right eye, maybe one day I would ask him about it.
"Whoa, where'd you go there?" He asked, concerned. My eyes found him again and focused; looking a little dazed I'm sure.
"Got lost a little, sorry."
"Want to talk about it?" He asked
"You don't want to hear all about my inner turmoil. It's quite exhausting, to be honest." I laughed smoothly.
He shifted his body to face mine, crossed his ankle under his knee, and brought his arm to the back of the couch. At this angle, his fingertips could accidentally brush my shoulder or my hair. For a second, I thought he was going to wrap one of the curls around his finger but it was probably my mind playing games with me again – so desperate for some kind of intimacy that I was seeing it everywhere. His fingers curled into a loose fist instead.
"Try me." The words echoed in the silence, accompanied only by the sound of the crackling fire. I realized how dangerous a game we were playing. Try me. With two simple words, he might have opened Pandora's box. With two simple words, he could have had the truth tumbling out of me. With two simple words, I might have let him in completely. But I didn't. I took a deep breath, carefully choosing how to let him in the room without opening him up to the entire house. I cracked a window with his Try me. I can trust Sirius – but I cannot let him in entirely.
"Have you ever felt lonely in a crowded room?" I took a breath trying to put my thoughts into words, "like you're surrounded by people but you could just disappear and no one would notice?"
"Yeah " I felt him study me as I stared into the fire.
"I left so much behind," I thought of my family, my friends, Harry, and I took in a shaky breath. "It's hard to think that this is my life now." Sirius didn't say anything for a very long time. I thought maybe he had fallen asleep, or that he'd just gotten up without me noticing, so I snuck a peek at him. He held my gaze with eyes full of something I'd never be able to explain.
"I don't know you very well, Ginny," He started slowly. I squirmed a little when he used my first name, Sirius almost never used my first name he only ever called me 'Red'. I liked it.
"No."
"And I haven't lost what you have."
"Probably not."
"My family are not-" he paused for a minute, choosing his words, "good people."
"No?" I asked.
"No," He confirmed, "but I've found a family that is. They've taken me in when I needed it, housed me, fed me, and picked me up when I'm low. Without them, I don't know where I would be."
"That sounds nice," I smiled at him.
"It's not what you lost, but it's yours should you ever want it." He offered slowly. Sirius studied my reaction slowly and cautiously waiting for something to happen. I felt tears prickle at the back of my eyes, and a lump swell in my throat. He'd offered me the one thing I wanted more than anything else in this world, a family. I almost jumped for joy at the idea, but I was held back by reality.
Getting close to Sirius, to the Marauders, would only end in heartache. Sirius and James would die. Peter would betray everyone. I don't know if I could handle being their friend and knowing that truth. The pain that I knew they would all suffer, that I might suffer, was unthinkable. And yet, I felt a pull. Deep within me, something was pulling me toward it. Was it desperation for something to hold onto here? Was it fear of being entirely alone? Or was it because in the plainest, and simplest of ways, I wanted what Sirius was offering? Call it whatever you want, but it pulled my answer out of me.
"Okay," I practically whispered. The tears that had long since fallen were warm on my cheeks as I pulled Sirius into a tight hug. "Thank you," I laid my head on his shoulder and felt like I could do this for the first time since my arrival. Maybe, just maybe, I could live my life here. I could help Dumbledore find this book, keep my promise to Snape, and maybe find my happiness too. I wiped my face before letting go and pulling away from Sirius. "I'm sorry, I'm really not a crier."
"Your secret's safe with me," Sirius winked.
"It's late, I should be going to bed." I stood up and collected my book from the coffee table in front of the fire.
"Was that an invitation?" Sirius drawled as he followed me.
"You're a dog," I rolled my eyes at him but still let the smile spread across my face.
"If only you knew." I rolled my eyes at the fact that I could hear him internally laughing at his own joke. Real subtle. Sirius walked over to the stairs and turned abruptly, "Are you gonna be able to make it up there?"
"I'll be fine." I started to walk up the stairs.
"Red?"
"Yeah?" I turned to look back at him. He stared calmly at me with a pensive look I couldn't decipher.
"If you disappeared I'd notice." It was like he'd hit me in the chest with a stunner and thrown me back into the wall behind me – but I didn't move, didn't even flinch. Warmth pooled in my stomach as I stared back at him in wonder. He'd notice. A soft smile found its way to his lips as I stared into his eyes in awe. "Sweet dreams." He shrugged his shoulders and turned to job up the stairs.