September 25, 1977
I anxiously looked up at the clock as I sat in the Library on Sunday afternoon. 2:57. I was supposed to meet Snape at 3 pm, and the nerves and tension were mounting. Remus and Lily sat across from me, studiously working on their charms homework together. I stared at the parchment in front of me that had seen no progress since 2:37 when the anxiety had been too much for me to focus. I sighed loudly and buried my face in my hands.
"It's not that bad, Ginny, I'll help you just as soon as I finish this question," Lily whispered and I peeked at her through my fingers. Remus caught my eye and raised an eyebrow quizzically.
"It's not the homework," I groaned, "I told Snape I'd meet him at 3 to work on the potions essay."
Lily clenched her jaw tightly and looked back down at her parchment before asking, "You're studying with Severus?" I looked over at Remus, confused at Lily's reaction. He shook his head covertly and locked eyes with me. It was like he was trying to speak to me telepathically.
"Yeah," I looked back at Remus and tried to read his mind. He mouthed something to me that I couldn't decipher, 'What?' I mouthed back. "Do you mind if he joins us?" Lily made a clicking noise with her tongue and stood up suddenly, shoving her book into her bag and collecting her parchment.
"Table's all yours," She said tersely and exited our corner of the library. What was that about? I thought in bewilderment. I wasn't even aware that they were on a first-name basis with each other. I turned to look at Remus who gazed at me in exasperation.
"I told you to leave it alone," He sighed.
"Leave what alone?" I asked.
"There's a lot of history there, not really my place to say. She and Snape used to be close."
"Really?" I asked, I had no idea. "What happened?"
"Snape happened," Remus said darkly. "The guy's a bloody prick." I snorted at Remus's choice in language, I'd never heard him curse before.
"Not you too, Remus." I groaned, I thought he was the better Marauder, the one who was kinder and more forgiving than the others. It was with a dejected disappointment that I looked back at him.
"Listen, Ginny, you can be friends with whoever you want. I'm not going to stop you. But be smart when it comes to Snape, he's as slimy as he looks." Remus closed his charms book and started to pack his things away.
"Thanks, Remus," I nodded slowly. I knew exactly what Severus Snape was capable of, I'd stared in abject horror as he'd handed over control of our school to the Carrows. I'd watched him become a murderer, destroy my school, and chase away any hope I'd had at a normal adolescence. I watched Remus pull his bag over his shoulder and stand up slowly.
"Oh don't run off on my accord Lupin." Remus stood up straight and turned to see Snape rounding the corner toward me. The muscles in his jaw clenched tightly as Remus's grip on his bag tightened.
"Snape," He said tightly.
"It's always fascinated me the type of wizard they let in here, don't you think Cole?" Snape drawled. I looked back and forth between the boys, sensing a brewing storm.
"I'm a better wizard than you," Remus was shaking with rage and his eyes locked on the adversary before him.
"A generous term for your kind, Lupin." He replied with venom. His eyes looked over to me and flashed with an idea before snapping back to Remus' "Are you looking forward to your week? It's coming up isn't it?" Snape's words were laced with double meaning as an evil smile spread across his face.
"What's happening?" I looked at Remus, no one had mentioned any sort of plans to me.
"Lupin's furry friend is in town, didn't he tell you?" Remus's eyes were wide as saucers and he looked murderous, while Snape looked pleased with himself his jabs had clearly landed. Then it hit me, it had been three weeks since the last full moon.
"Shut your filthy mouth Snape, or I'll shut it for you." Remus was a different person than I'd ever seen him be in that moment. He was no longer the quiet bookish boy I knew. He towered over Snape, using every inch of his 6 foot 4 frame, and his eyes seemed to almost glow with a threatening promise. His hand twitched toward his left pocket where he always stored his wand, and for a second I felt a genuine sort of fear for what might happen. The wolf was in full force and I saw Snape shrink before the other boy. His crooked nose turned away and he looked at a fixed point on the wall.
"I was only asking after your health," Snape drawled though this time it didn't hold the same amount of threat in it. Clearly, Remus had spooked him.
"I'd be more worried about your own, Snape." He turned to me and gave me a questioning gaze. My eyes were still wide, realizing exactly what Snape had implied, and Remus looked away quickly. "I'll see you in the Common Room, Ginny."
"All right." He walked off quickly without glancing back. I turned to fix Snape with a glare as he sat down across from me.
"You and the bookworm?" He asked accusingly.
"That was unnecessary."
"I thought for sure Black would have made his move by now." He picked at his left pointer finger as he sized me up.
"For someone who hates those boys, you sure do seem concerned with what they do in their free time."
"Who," Snape corrected.
I rolled my eyes and reached into my bag to pull out my notes on the potions essay. "I went ahead and started gathering some information on antidotes earlier, I trust you started on the poisons?"
He studied me as he pulled out parchment, a book, and a quill. "Obviously."
"Good, so we may be able to get this finished within the hour." I reached toward his notes and he handed them to me suspiciously. "I have a feeling he's going to quiz us soon by assigning everyone different poisons, and then we will have to brew the antidote. We should probably focus on-"
"What's the plan here?" He asked, ignoring my musings on Professor Slughorn's class.
"Well I thought we'd compare notes and then fill in the holes in each other's research and then-"
"I didn't mean the assignment, Cole." He spat my name with venom, accusing me of a crime I had not committed. I stared at him in frustration, what had I done to make him hate me already? We'd only met a few days earlier and he'd already decided I could not be trusted.
"There is no plan," My tone softened and I look at his eyes, his cold, untrusting, eyes. "I just thought we might be able to help each other."
"I don't need your help," He glared, "and you don't need mine." He was right. I was fully capable of completing the assignment on my own. The only reason I'd invited him here was to fulfill my promise to him, the promise he wouldn't know about for many more years.
"Fine, I don't need your help." I conceded. "I just thought it might be nice to work on it together." His demeanor softened for a brief second, if I hadn't been watching I might have missed it.
"Why?" He asked his armor back up quickly.
"I don't know, Severus," I threw my hands up in exasperation. "We're partners, and you seem pretty good at potions, and I'm alright at it, and I just thought we could work together." He studied me quietly for a minute. I wondered what might be going on in his head. He obviously thought I was party to some elaborate prank being played on him by the Marauders. He didn't trust me, and to be honest I didn't trust him either. But I had a promise to fulfill, and an essay to finish. After a minute he reached toward my notes and started reading them.
"You know, the real secret to antidotes?" He drawled after a moment.
"What?" I asked.
"Just shove a bezoar down their throats," He smirked over the top of the paper and I couldn't help but let out a soft laugh.
We worked together for the next hour in cordial silence, only breaking it to offer a new bit of information or to ask a quick question. Snape wasn't particularly kind and he did offer a few snide remarks on my choice in friends but we made it through the assignment without any major blowups. Once my potions essay was done I turned to my charms homework and Snape didn't move to get up. He pulled out a book from his bag and sat with me as I finished the assignment. Every once in a while he would glance up from the book, studying me again. I let him. I hoped he might see that I was not a threat to him unless he tried to cross me. Maybe he might find that I was more than just the new Gryffindor who had befriended his enemies. Maybe he might find that he could choose someone other than Voldemort. Or maybe not. I thought as I looked up to see him glaring at me over the book again. His eyes darted away and so did mine.
"So what happened between you and Lily Evans?" I asked slowly. Snape's face darkened and a scowl panted itself across his lips.
"I don't think that's any of your business, Cole." He spat venomously. I flinched at his tone, though it wasn't all that surprising. It wasn't my business.
"You're right," I said. "She was here earlier and left really suddenly when I said you were coming. I didn't know you were even friends."
"We're not."
"Right…sorry." I studied Snape from across the table, who was staring out the window at the Forbidden Forest. His face hid a deep sadness behind his scowl and it made me wonder what was going on in that greasy head of his. Harry had never told me that his mum was friends with Severus Snape, and to be honest it had never crossed my mind to ask. Did Harry even know? I thought to myself.
"Is she dating Potter?" Snape asked, startling me out of my musings. I didn't know how to answer that question. Sure, Lily and James had kissed but that was all they had done. James was no longer a pest in Lily's eyes, and they were definitely more than friends, but he hadn't asked her out yet and she hadn't told anyone but Dorcas, Marlene, and me what had happened between the two of them. If they hadn't gone public then I knew Lily wouldn't want me telling Snape about it. I chewed my lip for a moment before answering.
"I don't think so," I said slowly. Snape looked crestfallen like I'd just broken his heart. He looked down at the table and studied the wood grain closely for a moment. For a second his armor was gone and he was just a teenage boy, asking after a girl. His reaction confused me. Had I said the wrong thing? Of course not, I hadn't lied. But he could see that I wasn't telling the full truth. I started to reach my hand across the table toward his arm but he jerked it away quickly. In a second he was back to the Snape I knew. He was cold, judgmental, and cool, hiding behind this carefully crafted mask, he looked back at me.
"Are we finished here?"
I looked back at him in confusion. We were fine a moment ago, not exactly friendly, but fine enough and it was like a switch had flipped. I regretted asking about Lily, it wasn't my business, but there was something there. Something that may help me find the key to saving him in the end. Maybe Lily Evans was the key to saving Severus Snape. "Yeah, I guess so." I started packing up my things as he turned back to his book. "Look, I'll be here every Sunday at 3 if you wanted to meet up and work on potions with me."
"We're not friends, Cole." He replied without looking up. "You best run off, I imagine your little keepers are worried sick at the idea of you spending so much time with a snake."
"My keepers?"
"Potter and his lot." He spat. I fixed him with a glare.
"I belong to no one," I replied.
He finally tore his gaze from his book and looked at me, "you had me fooled." I felt my vision go red and I wanted nothing more than to reach across the table and slap the expression off his face. But I didn't. Instead, I stood up and turned toward the door of the library. I wanted to turn around and hit him or to send a curse toward him as I moved toward the exit, but I didn't. I wanted to scream at him, to insult him, to make him feel as small as I felt at that moment, but I didn't. I turned the corner out of the library and let out a frustrated groan.
"Stupid, slimy, little-" I muttered under my breath as I turned to look back at the Library. I almost went back in. I was a second away from pulling my wand out of my pocket, and with a perfect bat-bogey-hex ready on my tongue, a hand reached out to grab my arm.
"Whoa, there." Sirius spun me toward him. "Everything alright?"
I glared up at Sirius. "Let me go, Sirius," I said through gritted teeth.
"What did he do?" Sirius asked, going from calm to gearing up for a fight after a second. It made my blood boil. Snape was right. I had somehow landed myself as the Marauders pet and I hated myself for it. I jerked my arm out of Sirius' hand. He looked at me bewildered.
"I don't need you to defend my honor."
"Defend your honor?"
"Every time I turn around it's you, or Remus, or James, shouting my name or trying to fight someone I'm talking to, it's ridiculous," I shouted. I wasn't even angry at Sirius, and to be honest I wasn't even angry at Snape. At that moment I was angry that I'd let myself be seen as a damsel in distress. "I don't need your protection. All you do is look at me like I'm the three-legged dog you found on the side of the road and nursed back to health. Well, news flash I'm not your pet. I don't need your help."
"No one said you did, Red, what the hell?"
"Then leave me alone. If you don't think I need you, then just leave me be." I felt a tear fall down my cheek. I swiped at it quickly, hoping that Sirius wouldn't see but he did. His confusion softened and he cautiously stepped toward me.
"He called you our pet?" He asked softly. I glared at Sirius, how dare he act like this when I was so angry at him. "You're our friend, Ginny. We don't think of you like a three-legged dog," he chuckled softly and I jerked my head away from him, choosing to stare out a nearby window at the grounds. "I'm sorry we made you feel like that. I actually think you're pretty brilliant." I snorted and rolled my eyes but felt his words start to chip away at my anger. "You could kick my arse any day of the week I think." I snuck a glance at him and saw a small smile on his face which only grew bigger when we made eye contact, I didn't smile back but he could see that his words were working. "I mean I've been trying to get Lily and James together for 6 years and you did it in two weeks. You're far better than I am."
"I'm glad you noticed," I replied. Another tear betrayed me and I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, I wanted to hit something, I wanted to run away. Sirius gently took my hand and I let him pull me away from the Library. He guided me toward the Gryffindor Common room, but I stopped before we could climb up the stairs. "Sirius, wait." He turned quickly, ever the concerned companion.
"What is it, love?"
"Why were you waiting outside the Library for me?"
"Wanted to see you is all." He was tapping his right leg with his middle finger and avoiding my eyes as he spoke. A sillier girl might have found it bashful, or endearing, but I was not silly and I could see right through him.
"No, you didn't."
"I just wasn't too thrilled about you and Snivellus being alone." He moved the hand behind his back but it jerked toward his leg and caught my eye.
"Sirius."
Sirius leaned back against the brick wall behind him and brought his hands back to his sides as he thought over his response carefully, "Remus came back to the common room pretty upset, and I was just worried the same might happen to you." He wasn't telling the whole truth. I could tell by the way that he avoided my eyes and tapped his right leg with his middle finger. It was the same way he would always lie to Harry. It was the same way he would always speak to me when we ended up alone together in Grimmauld Place. "Which I was right about in the end."
"Why are you lying?" His eyes widened in surprise at my question. He tapped his leg again and searched for the right words. "It was Snape's comment about next weekend, wasn't it? The furry friend?" Sirius brought his head against the wall with a heavy sigh and studied me for a moment. He was unsure of what to say. If he said too much he might accidentally betray his friends secret. The silence was his best option, he'd let me come to my own conclusion. I wondered what my conclusion would have been had I not known that Remus was a werewolf. Maybe I would assume he suffered from a monthly illness that could not be cured by magic, or maybe I'd believe whatever story they'd come up with to hide Remus's transformations. I think I would have preferred those to the truth which Sirius was so clearly hoping I hadn't figured out.
"Yes," Sirius sighed. I nodded slowly and mulled over my response. For a second I thought about lying to him. I could say that I thought Remus just had a monthly check-in at the hospital wing, or I could tell him that Snape was a moron. Neither seemed particularly believable. My mind turned over my next words carefully, unsure of exactly what to say. And then I made up my mind. I would tell the truth…or as much of the truth as I could bear.
"My brother was attacked by Fenrir Greyback last year." Sirius sucked in a deep breath. "It was pretty bad, we thought he might be dead, or a…you know, but it wasn't a full moon when they met. Bill was permanently scarred, the wounds were cursed, and he had some wolf-like tendencies – swore he could hear from a mile away - but he was okay in the end."
"Ginny, I-"
"It wasn't even the fear of him maybe being a…" I gestured toward the sky, "that was so scary it was the fear of losing him, you know?" I took a shaky breath and continued. "It took two weeks to find out, but we knew he'd be okay either way, he had good friends and a family willing to support him no matter what."
"Ginny-"
"I'm not going to tell anyone." I squeezed his hand tightly. "I would never betray Remus like that." He looked at me in surprise. I had shared with him one of my most terrifying experiences. Wondering if Bill was dead, or would be permanently affected by Greyback's attack was horrifying. I remember crying in Charlie's arms as he cried too, unable to do anything to help our brother. Sirius and I shared a meaningful moment of silence, neither of us sure of what to say next. After a long while, Sirius pushed himself off the wall and started walking toward the common room again.
"Remus will want to talk to you," he said softly.
"Okay," I nodded.
We made our way up to the common room quickly. I could tell Sirius wanted to trust me but was unsure. No one had ever guessed it so quickly, I assumed. Well, I hadn't even guessed it, I thought to myself. When we entered the common room there were no marauders to be found. Marlene and Lily sat in front of one of the fireplaces sharing a copy of witch weekly, and Dorcas sat on the floor beside them scratching away at some parchment. She looked up in annoyance at the assignment and smiled as I walked in.
"Ginny, you survived!" She exclaimed with a smile. Sirius kept his hold on my hand and started tugging me toward the boy's dormitory as I smiled at Dorcas.
"I'll tell you about it later, Sirius had something to show me." Dorcas raised an eyebrow knowingly and her smile turned into a cheeky smirk.
"I'm sure he does," She called as I disappeared around the corner and up the stairs. I felt a blush creep up the back of my neck and threaten to make an appearance on my cheeks. Sirius looked back at me with a tentative smile.
"Your friends are such gossips," He joked. I rolled my eyes up at him and continued the climb up the seventh year boys dormitory.
I had spent enough time up here over the course of my sixth year to know it well enough. Before we'd established the room of requirements as our base of operations, Neville, Luna, and I had called this dormitory home. Seamus was happy enough to have us, the loss of his best friend was difficult for him to bear, and I think having us all together made it easier to get by. When Sirius opened the door I was surprised at how little had changed.
There were only four beds in this dormitory all of which were a complete mess. No one had bothered to make them up, and there were clothes strewn about. James stood by the window, nervously tapping his right foot as he watched us walk in. Peter was sitting on his bed quietly and fixed me with an accusing glare. Remus sat on top of his trunk with his head in his hands. He looked up as I walked in with a panicked look in his eyes. Remus and Sirius shared a look. It was like Remus had read his mind because his head fell back into his hands and his fingers gripped at his hair tightly. He started to tremble and I almost thought he was crying, but instead, he stood up quickly and kicked his trunk.
"Fuck!" He shouted as he kicked it. Peter looked scared as he watched the werewolf rage, while James looked on stoically. "That stupid, fucking, slimy-" He picked up a shoe that was nearby and threw it at the far wall. "I'll kill him. I'll fucking kill him." He started to rush toward the door but James and Sirius grabbed him before he could get close. I stepped back and placed myself in front of the now-closed door, a final defense in case he broke through the hold of his friends.
"Calm down Moony," Sirius said through gritted teeth. Remus was far stronger than he looked.
"Let me go," Remus fought his best friends even more. Peter finally jumped off his bed and ran over to assist. He placed himself behind Remus and grabbed hold of the boy's waist while James and Sirius kept ahold of his arms.
"He didn't tell me!" I shouted, hoping that it might break the tension and cause Remus to listen. I was right. Remus relaxed slightly in their grip, but none of the boys let go for fear of another wave of aggression.
"Then what do you know?" Remus asked. Sirius let go of Remus's arm and walked toward me. He stood in between us, afraid that Remus might redirect his anger toward Snape at me. With his arms at the ready to catch his friend, he gave me a gentle nod, never breaking his gaze at the boy in front of us.
"I know you're a werewolf," I whispered, suddenly afraid of the quiet bookish boy I had grown to love. Instead of the rage, I was expecting, Remus sagged into his friend's arms like my words had punched him in the gut.
"She's not going to tell anyone," Sirius interjected. He looked back at me expectantly, "tell them what you told me…about your brother."
I looked at Remus who had gone from monstrous to child-like in one small conclusion. I wanted to reach out to him and hold him, to comfort him, but there were too many people in the way and I knew it wouldn't help him. Looking back at Sirius I sighed in defeat. "My brother was attacked by Fenrir Greyback last year." James, Remus, and Peter all gasped in shock at my confession. "It wasn't a full moon so he wasn't turned, but he was marred forever. Snape's comment about this week, the furry friend, and the fact that it's been almost a month since we met in the hospital wing…well I did the math. I'm so sorry Remus."
In the silence that followed I could hear the clock ticking on the wall. I searched his face for a reaction but whatever he was thinking was hidden behind a stone-cold mask. James looked back and forth between me and Sirius, while Peter watched Remus closely. It took approximately 47 seconds for Remus to say something.
"So now you know," He took his arm out of James' grasp and moved away from Peter toward his bed. We all watched him anxiously, unsure of his next moves.
"Remus, I would never tell anyone. Not ever-" He held up a hand to silence me and then ran it through his hair. Sirius grabbed my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. James saw it and raised an eyebrow at his friend who shook off the question with ease. We sat in silence for another 53 ticks of the clock until Remus fell backward onto his bed with a loud groan.
"Fuck!" he yelled again. I looked between James, Sirius, and Peter, unsure of what to say next. We all waited for 25 more ticks for Remus to speak. He sat up after 16 ticks and gave me a soft look like he was searching me for any sign of a lie. At 21 ticks he'd decided that he couldn't find one. "I trust you, Ginny."
I let out a loud breath that I didn't know I was holding and walked over to his bed. I held out my hand to him, which he grabbed, and I pulled him up into a hug. If magical hugs were a thing, mine might have cured lycanthropy. I felt Remus melt into my embrace and I poured all my love into him. After several minutes, I felt Remus's arms relax and he began to pull away.
"Careful there, Moony," James drawled as we broke apart, "Padfoot might get jealous." He let out a soft "oof" when Sirius punched him in the arm and Remus let out a cautious and shaky laugh.
"I'm really sorry I figured it out," I said to Remus.
"It's okay, Ginny," He said.
"Just know that if you ever tell we'll have to kill you," James said solemnly. Sirius snorted and rolled his eyes, Peter nodded seriously, and even Remus managed to crack a smile.
I held my right hand up, "I solemnly swear to never tell anyone Remus's secret on penalty of death."
"We like to call it his 'furry little secret'" Sirius corrected as he draped an arm around my shoulders. Remus seemed to relax in front of us and the tension that was so high a moment ago had vanished.
"I guess this means you're an honorary marauder," Remus said. Sirius let out a loud laugh and James draped his arm around my shoulder on top of Sirius'. I felt a warmth start to spread in my chest, the kind of warmth that could only be found amongst true and honest friends. I basked in the warmth for a moment, looking at these boys who had accepted me so quickly and so easily into their group. I could let myself be happy here, at this moment, in this place.
I gazed at Remus, sitting on the bed in front of me, he no longer looked so intimidating and was once again the quiet bookish boy I knew. It hurt my heart to know that he had to endure this pain. He told me once that his Hogwarts years were the happiest of his life and I could clearly see why. My eyes traveled over to Sirius, handsome as ever. His arm was so warm across my shoulders, and I thought about his words from the other night. You're going to fall in love with me Ginny Cole. His was the smile that broke a thousand hearts, and if I was not careful it would be one thousand and one. I looked up at James next, the spitting image of his son. He was so kind and carefree, and so fiercely loyal to a fault. A fatal fault. And then my eyes fell on Peter who stood rooted in his spot in the center of the room. He did not join us and did not smile at me as we made eye contact. Instead, I saw him studying me, sizing me up as if I had just stolen his favorite toy. Perhaps I had. In all my interactions with Peter Pettigrew, I never saw him as the boy whose betrayal would lead to the murder of his best friend until that moment. That was the first time I would see him as Peter, the traitor. A chill went up my spine when I realized that it would certainly not be the last.