September 30, 1977
I tapped my quill impatiently on my desk and found myself on the receiving end of a glare from Lily Evans for the third time in this class block. Professor Montello was nearing the end of an incredibly boring lecture about the importance of nonverbal spells in dueling, something I had perfected months ago in the room of requirements with Seamus as a partner. It was almost 4:00 and once he dismissed us I had big plans. Madam Pomfrey had cleared me for all physical activity on Monday, and because I must have angered some kind of cosmic deity it had been storming ever since. For five whole days, I'd been desperate for some kind of break in the storm, and for five days we'd seen no reprieve. Until this morning. I woke up to a clear blue sky, without a single cloud, and a crisp autumnal chill that was taunting me from every classroom I entered. When I'd walked into Defense Against the Dark Arts this afternoon I had quickly chosen the seat closest to the window at the table I usually shared with Lily and Dorcas, if I craned my neck just the right way I could get a glimpse at the prize I so desperately sought.
"Would you like to demonstrate Miss. Cole?" Professor Montello's sharp voice broke me out of my thoughts. I jerked my head over to him and caught his knowing eye.
"Umm, what?" A chorus of quiet snickering could be heard from my peers. Professor Montello crossed his arms and continued to stare at me.
"Would you like to demonstrate nonverbal spells for the class?" He was challenging me, thinking that he had the upper hand here and that I might back down. I smirked at him and called his bluff.
"Sure, Professor." I stood up quickly. His eyebrows raised in surprise as I walked up to the front of the class. "Anything in particular?"
"Let's start with a simple stinging hex," He replied and pulled his wand out of his pocket at the ready.
I nodded and copied his movement, wand at the ready, crouched in dueling stance just like we'd practiced a million times in the room of requirement. I felt the stare of 2 dozen eyes as I sent a perfect stinging hex toward my professor. He blocked it easily, but his eyes widened in surprise. A few people gasped, and I couldn't help but smile in victory. I kept my gaze locked with the older man's and saw his wand move upward to send a stinging hex back at me. I brought my wand back toward my face Protego, I thought loudly and the hex bounced off of me but rebounded and sent a stack of essays flying. I flicked my wand toward him, sending another stinging hex in his direction. With the grace of a dancer, he leaped out of the way. I sent another one, he dodged again. Montello's wand twitched upwards but this time I physically moved out of the way, letting the spell hit the wall behind me causing a loud noise to distract the older man. As he looked back at the wall to confirm that no one was hurt, I used the diversion to my advantage. Expelliarmus! I thought. Montello's wand flew across the room and I caught it as it careened toward me.
Professor Montello looked at me in shock and appreciation, he'd been bested by a student but he didn't show any embarrassment at the idea. It was clear this duel was not his best work, but I relished in the idea that I'd impressed him using Harry's go-to defense. "Well done, Miss Cole." He shouted. "Class, that was the perfect execution of a nonverbal duel." He led the class in a round of applause which caused Sirius and James to let out a chorus of hoots and hollers. "I think that's enough for today, your homework is to read chapter 11 over the weekend and prepare for next week when we will start practicing nonverbal magic." I rushed toward my seat beside Lily and started to shove my things in my bag without any care. "and Miss Cole?" I cringed a little and turned to face him.
"Yes Professor?"
"Pay attention in my class next time, with any luck I may be able to teach you something you don't already know," He said sternly, but the serious tone was offset with a playful wink. I shot him a cheeky grin before throwing my bag over my shoulder.
"Yes, professor!" I turned toward the door but my conversation meant that I was one of the last students out of the door.
When I finally made my way out into the hallway I found James, Remus, Sirius, Lily, and Dorcas waiting for me in the hall. James let out a low whistle as I walked toward them.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't the teacher's pet," James teased. I rolled my eyes at him.
"Oh, hush, you're just jealous that she's smarter than you, Potter." Lily drawled as she linked her arm with mine. She flicked her hair over her shoulder as we started to walk toward the common room. Dorcas linked her arm with my other.
"Out of the way, peasants," Dorcas called as a group of first years dawdled in front of us, "the greatest witch of all time is coming through." The kids quickly moved out of the way and pressed themselves to the side of the halls. A first-year boy gazed at Dorcas longingly, and she offered him a wink as she walked by. The hushed giggles and whispered 'did you see that's brought a smile to my face.
"Greatest witch of all time huh?" James caught up with Lily and took her bag off her shoulder to place it on his. She gave him a flirtatious smile and nodded. "I know of one I like a bit better." he winked.
"Wow, James, careful, the greatest witch of all time might just curse you for speaking such blasphemy." Sirius feigned astonishment.
"And no one would ever be able to prove it was her who did it!" Remus added. We turned the corner and started to head up the stairs. Lily let go of my arm and hung back, in favor of walking with James.
"So what shall we do this evening?" Dorcas asked conspiratorially.
"Maybe we should get started on this Defense reading," Sirius offered to the group. Lily and James let out a suspiciously innocent laugh and Remus nodded enthusiastically. What game is this?
"I have plans," I interrupted but found that no one was interested in listening.
"Maybe we could have Ginny read it to us and offer her expertise in the subject," Remus suggested as we reached the portrait hole. When the portrait swung open Marlene and Peter were standing in the common room laden down with equipment. Marlene jumped in surprise, dropping two beaters bats, some keepers pads, and two winter hats.
"Oh shit," she said and hit Peter in the process causing him to drop the gloves, large wooden box, and bag he was holding. "Surprise!" Marlene shouted and she nudged Peter.
"Surprise!" He said, much quieter than Marlene had been. I looked between the two of them in confusion. Dorcas gripped my arm tightly and jumped a little in excitement.
"We're taking you to play quidditch!" She giggled. James reached out and squeezed my shoulders tightly, while Lily and Remus laughed. A huge, goofy, smile spread across my face.
"Seriously?" I laughed. Marlene nodded and rushed over to hug me.
"It was Sirius's idea," She whispered in my ear. As she pulled away she gave me a wink and then knelt to pick up everything she dropped. "Now hurry up and get changed quick! I've got your hats."
Dorcas pulled me over to the stairs and everyone parted ways in excitement. I was practically sprinting up the stairs with a boundless strength and stamina. Call it adrenaline, or call it the power of Madam Pomfrey's healing, but I felt like my old self again.
"I didn't know you all played," I said to Lily and Dorcas as I changed out of my school robes.
"We don't really but, someone," Dorcas gave Lily an accusing glare, "let a certain Marauder talk her into it."
"Peter does have a way with words," Lily replied solemnly and then took the time to blow a raspberry at the other girl. She pulled a dark blue jumper over her head and started braiding her long hair.
"This means a lot," I said as I dug in my trunk for the warmest sweater I could find. Near the bottom was an athletic looking green one that looked like it might fit the ticket.
"You have to promise not to make fun of us," Dorcas said suddenly as she secured her curly blonde hair into a messy bun.
"I think you'll be making fun of me," I laughed. "I haven't flown since…" I thought it over and it popped into my head instantly. The Quidditch Cup, my fifth year. The kiss I shared with Harry in celebration. A smile came to my face. Yes, the last time I truly flew was…brilliant. "It's been a while."
"Well then, we might not look that bad!" Lily joked. I bounced on the balls of my feet as I waited impatiently for Lily to secure her braid, and for Dorcas to finish tying her shoelace.
"Let's go," I nearly shouted at the two of them. Lily rolled her eyes as she walked toward the door and Dorcas stuck out her tongue on the way down the stairs. I practically flew down them in slap-happy excitement.
The boys and Marlene were all waiting for us when I made it to the bottom. Everyone had changed out of their school robes and into comfortable, and warm, muggle clothes. Sirius was in the middle of telling a joke as I rounded the corner and everyone let out a loud laugh at the punch line. He looked back toward the stairs as everyone laughed and caught my eye.
"Took you, ladies, long enough!" He shouted. The common room was bustling with the usual Friday afternoon activity. It seemed like no one was interested in starting their homework as students spread out to enjoy their weekends. A game of exploding snap had broken out amongst a group of third year boys over by the window, and a gaggle of fourth-year girls could be seen pouring of this week's issue of Witch Weekly while stealing flirtatious glances toward the marauders. The only one who seemed to care about their interest was Peter who tried flashing a smile in their direction only to be rebuffed with an eye roll.
"Let's go!" James said as we made our way over to the group, "Mary's down there waiting." He grabbed Lily's hand and made a beeline for the exit and we all followed suit. Remus and Peter followed closely behind, and Marlene and Dorcas were next, Sirius and I took the rear and let our friends go ahead of us. When they were almost out of earshot I nudged him gently with my shoulder.
"Marlene said this was your idea."
"Don't believe a thing that girl says, she's mad," Sirius smirked at me and nudged me back.
"Well, mad or not, thank you."
"You're welcome." Blue eyes met brown and for a second I thought he might say something else as his mouth opened to form the words, but Dorcas' laughter cut him off and we both turned our gaze back to the corridor.
"So, should we make a bet? If I win you let me borrow your broom for a whole month," I glanced up at him with a big smile and saw a look flash across his face that I'd only seen once before…in Hogsmede. I felt the familiar warmth spread in my stomach. He turned toward me quickly and his hands were on my hips applying a gentle pressure that made me want more, his lips were an inch away from my ear and his hot breath sent goosebumps down my arms as he spoke.
"If I win you let me take you on a proper date." I looked up at him through my lashes and felt the pink spreading across my cheeks. A proper date. I thought. A proper date with Sirius Black. It was stupid, idiotic, a horrible idea, and yet I was nodding before I could stop myself.
"You're on."
When we arrived at the quidditch pitch Mary was waiting, two Hufflepuff boys in their fifth year were clearly annoying her. She waved wildly when she saw us and said something to the boys that did nothing to deter them from her. It took James only one shout for them to run away leaving us the field.
"Took you lot long enough!" She shouted as we neared.
"James," Lily groaned, "you didn't have to yell at them."
"Oh give it a rest head girl," Dorcas taunted her as she pulled the school brooms out of storage and started handing them out. Sirius and James had their own very flashy brooms and I ached with jealousy. I remembered the way Harry's firebolt felt the first time he'd let me ride it. The power it filled me with as I surged through the pitch was unmatched. I ached for it.
"Ginny and I are captains then," Sirius shouted to the group as everyone got ready. "You can pick first, Cole." I walked over to where he was standing and surveyed my options. Only one person, the Gryffindor Quidditch captain himself, seemed like the obvious first pick.
"James," I called. He jogged over to me and gave me a very serious salute.
"Oh captain, my captain!" I returned it with a laugh and gave Sirius a wink.
"Evans," Sirius drawled. Her eyes widened in surprise as she walked over to stand by him.
"I hope you don't have money on this one," Lily said. I gave Sirius a smirk. No Lily, he has something he wants far more than money on this game. I thought to myself. Sirius raised a challenging eyebrow at me, daring me to say something. I looked back at the four remaining options quizzically. Remus might be a good option, he looked quick enough, Dorcas seemed more nervous than anything, and Peter…well Peter was Peter.
"I'll take Marlene." She walked with such confidence and swagger toward my little group and gave a little dance toward Sirius and Lily.
"Bring it on, Black!"
"Wormtail." He responded.
"Remus." Both boys looked at each other and walked to their respective teams with a shrug.
"Mary." She flashed me a wicked grin as she walked over to join Sirius's team.
"Oy," Dorcas shouted. "Why am I last?"
"Last gets to pick their team," I replied.
"Well, then," She eyed her options as she thought it over. "I'll go with Sirius, they need all the help they can get."
"I wanted you on my team the whole time, Luv" Sirius drawled in his most delectable tone. She rolled her eyes but smiled a little, melting under his charms.
"Well all right then, if you say so," She blushed, joining Sirius's team and they all huddled talking strategy.
I gathered my group together and looked between them, unsure. "James and I as chasers?" I asked tentatively.
"We'll want Remus in goal and Marlene can float as a beater and chaser as needed. You and I can look for the snitch." I breathed a sigh of relief as James took over. His natural ability as a captain and his knowledge of everyone's skill set was helpful.
"Perfect," I smiled at my team. Marlene gave me an apologetic smile as we waited for our adversaries to finish their huddle.
"You didn't actually make a bet with him did you?" She whispered to me. James and Remus didn't seem to notice as they tossed the quaffle back and forth.
"I might have wagered something… if he wins I have to go out with him." Marlene let out a low whistle and shook her head.
"I'll let you borrow my favorite skirt," She nudged my shoulder.
Sirius and his team broke up and we locked eyes. "The first to 100 or the snitch wins." He called out to his team and mine. We all mounted our brooms and took off toward the sky.
It was like Christmas, and my birthday rolled into one, the best feeling I'd ever had: flying. The wind whipped through my hair as the familiar sensation of weightlessness came over me. I leaned forward, urging my broom to speed up, and tested its ability. It was nothing like the Clean Sweep 5 I'd been riding since I was old enough to break into the broom cupboard at the Burrow. This broom took far longer to reach its max speed and wasn't nearly as light to handle. I took a quick turn at the goalposts, squeezing my legs around the broom handle as I did. It moved well enough. I sent myself soaring to the other side of the pitch and went into a barrel roll I'd learned from Harry a million summers ago. As my body went upside down, and my stomach did the all too familiar lurch, I closed my eyes for a brief second as I came back upright. I couldn't help it, a laugh escaped my lips. I opened my eyes to see James speeding up next to me, challenging me to a race. I leaned further forward, ducking my head down low, and shot through the air. He presented a fair challenge. His broom was far faster than mine, but I was a better flyer and it was by the skin of my teeth that I made it to the other goal posts before him.
"Tie!" He shouted.
"Looked like Ginny won, mate," Remus replied from his spot in the goal.
"Are you two quite finished?" Dorcas shouted from down the pitch. "Isn't there a penalty for delay of game?"
We were neck and neck as I soared down the pitch, the quaffle tucked tightly under my arm and my head ducked low to urge the broom faster. Sirius was right next to me, matching my speed, trying to steal the ball from me. The score was 90-40, James and I were destroying Lily and Sirius as chasers and Remus had proved himself to be a half-decent keeper. Mary was actually quite good, she'd scored 3 out of their 4 goals and I was kicking myself for not choosing her. Marlene was a menace on the pitch, she nearly hit me with the bludger twice, but James had managed to help her learn to properly direct the bludger away from her teammates. I stole a glance at Sirius, he had a wild smile on his face as we raced toward Peter at the end of the pitch. He sat clumsily on his broom, panicking as he saw me coming toward him. I sat up on my broom, shifting my weight a little to turn to the side. As I cocked my arm backward, readying the ball to soar into the center ring a cheer came from behind me.
"I caught it!" Came the giddy squeal of Lily. The ball left my fingers and made it through the ring, but it was too late. Lily had caught the snitch, we had lost, and I had a date with Sirius Black.
The man in question flew up next to me and flashed me a wolfish smile. "Next Saturday at 8. I'll pick you up in the common room." He soared away toward the center of the pitch where his team had gathered to celebrate Lily's victory. James took his place and flashed me a cheeky grin.
"We'll get them next time," he shrugged as he watched his friends celebrate.
"You let her catch it didn't you?"
"Yeah," he grinned at me, "but if you tell anyone I'll deny it."
"I had a lot riding on this game you know," I laughed and pushed him playfully.
"Oh, I know." His eyebrows wiggled suggestively and my jaw dropped. James Potter had played me. "Sometimes people just need a little push…don't you agree?" He leaned forward on his broom and started to fly toward the group that had all convened on the ground in celebration. He called over his shoulder. "Tryouts on Tuesday. You'll be there?"
I probably should've been offended that James had thrown the game so that Sirius would win our stupid little bet…but I wasn't. In the heat of the sun, on my broom, my body exhausted from playing my favorite game with my new friends, I had a tryout – and a date.
October 4, 1977
My stomach was doing a series of summersaults as the clock ticked toward 8:00. I hadn't bothered to shower yet, I was too anxious. I'd given the quidditch tryout my all, in my opinion, I'd been the best chaser on the pitch, but my opinion wasn't the one that mattered. I sat in my favorite chair in front of the fire, but I couldn't relax into the soft cushions or bask in the warmth until I saw that list. Remus and Lily were on the couch nearby pouring over the potions assignment I planned to finish tomorrow. I tapped my fingers against the arm of the chair, counting the seconds. It was 8:01, how typical of a Potter to post the list late.
"I don't know why you're so anxious, Ginny, you're going to make the team," Lily sighed.
"You don't know that," I replied without breaking my gaze from the bulletin board.
"Yes I do, I was there," she groaned. I broke my concentration to look back at her and Remus.
"That Jones kid was really good!"
"He ran into the goal post," Remus said with a sharp look.
"Yeah, but he made the goal," I replied. Remus and Lily shared a look and went back to their homework, realizing that nothing they said would calm my nerves until seeing the list. I started drumming my fingers on the arm of the chair again. The drumming helped me keep time, and keep my sanity as I glared at the bulletin board on the other side of the room.
8:03. A heated debate broke out amongst a group of second years by the window, who would win in a fight, McGonagall or Sprout? Stupid question, it's McGonagall. 8:06. The debate grew more heated when the question of what kind of fight was asked. Wands or fists or weapons? 8:09 It was ultimately decided that with wands it would be McGonagall, with fists Sprout, and with words a draw. 8:12. A commotion broke out by the portrait hole as James and Sirius walked through it and several of the quidditch team hopefuls rushed toward them. They were in a heated conversation of their own. Sirius was red-faced and fiery-eyed as he snapped at James under his breath, and James wasn't having it. Whatever he was about to shout at Sirius was interrupted by the group that gathered around James. I stayed in my seat.
"Back off!" He yelled as he walked over to the bulletin board, "Team's posted, it's not up for debate, better luck next year, blah, blah, blah." He placed the list on the board and stepped away before the bunch could flock to the list and trap him in front of it.
"Aren't you going to go look?" Lily urged me.
"James and Sirius are fighting," I replied as I watched the two of them heatedly talking back and forth in the opposite corner of the common room.
"Not surprised," Remus said under his breath. I snapped my head to look at him and saw Lily had done the same. Remus glanced up from his essay to see us both staring at him in confusion. "What?"
"What do you know?" Lily asked him.
"It's not your business," he shrugged.
"Tell me." Lily urged him.
"It's not mine to tell," Remus said.
"Remus Lupin, tell me right now or I'll-"
"Tell her what?" James interrupted as he sat down on the couch next to Lily.
"Tell me why you and Sirius are fighting," Lily replied.
"He's an idiot that's why," James shrugged as he ruffled his hair with his hand ensuring that it was messed up in just the right way. "Aren't you going to go look at the list?" He asked me.
"No need, I made the team."
"Aren't you cocky?" He laughed.
"Am I wrong?" I raised my eyebrow at him.
"No, but-" The shouts of celebration from Lily and Remus interrupted him. I couldn't stop the goofy smile that broke out across my face at James' confession. I'd made the quidditch team. Lily leaped up from her seat and wrapped me up in a hug. It was the first bit of true happiness I'd felt in so long, and it felt good. I was surrounded by my new friends, in a place that felt safe, and my heart was full…well almost full. Sirius caught my eye from over Lily's shoulder and flashed me a grin that didn't quite meet his eyes. His head jerked toward the portrait hole, and he slowly sauntered out of it with his hands in his pockets. As Lily broke away she caught my line of vision and gave me a knowing eyebrow.
"Ginny?" She asked innocently.
"I think I left my – " I struggled for an excuse.
"Wallet?" She replied with a raised eyebrow.
"Wallet in the locker room."
"We should get you a leash for that thin. I just did a walkthrough I didn't-" James started but Lily elbowed him in the gut.
"I better go check for it."
Remus stood up quickly, set his parchment onto the table, and stretched his arms up. "I'll come with you, I could-"
"Girls locker room!" Lily half-shouted, cutting him off. James, clutching his stomach, eyed the redhead in confusion as Remus mirrored the look. "No boys allowed. Off you go." She made a shooing motion with her hands.
I gave her an appreciative half-smirk as I followed Sirius out of the portrait hole, both Remus and James none the wiser. The corridor was chilly, chillier than the common room, and nearly dark as I walked through it in search of Sirius.
"Go, go Gryffindor!" the low chuckle caught my attention and I followed it. He was in a tucked away alcove, perched on a window seat that overlooked the edge of the forbidden forest and boasted a spectacular view of the setting sun.
"Do you trick all the girls into dark corridors, Mr. Black?" I smirked at him and leaned against the wall. As a wolfish grin lit up his face, half in shadows as the sun lit up the sky in a final farewell to the day behind him. I cursed myself for not cleaning up sooner, the sweat still dry on my cheeks and neck, my ponytail an absolute riot. Of course, he'd look like a model while I looked…while I looked a mess.
"Only if they're on the Gryffindor Quidditch team." I tried to bite back the smile that his words brought on – I really did – but it was a losing battle.
"Couldn't congratulate me in front of our friends?" he scoffed and flicked his hair to the side.
"If we're in front of our friends I won't get all your attention."
"You're so needy." I took a step closer to him, pushing off the wall, and watched as his blue eyes started to dance.
"You love it." He stood to greet me, closing the distance between us so we were nearly chest to chest. He smelled like something sweet but smoky, like Fleetwood's High Finish Broom Polish, and morning. When he stood this close to me I could see his crooked and loose tie. I knew that if I turned my head upward I'd find stormy blue eyes looking down at me, and a confident half-smile on his lips. Lips that if I strained up on my toes to meet, I knew would taste like the treacle tart he'd had for pudding.
His breath was hot on my face, and I knew what we both were thinking without looking into his eyes. Instead, I reached out and straightened his tie.
"You still haven't congratulated me." I looked up to meet his gaze and found the storm I knew would be there.
"Congratulations, Red." His gaze flickered down to my lips for a briefest of seconds and I felt the familiar burn in my belly at the slight. I took a step away from him, and a deep breath, but the air and distance didn't put out the fire.
"Are you going to tell me why you and James are fighting?" He let out a sigh and ran a tired hand through his hair.
"You're good."
"You're avoiding the question."
"Weren't we talking about you?"
"That was like a whole 30 seconds ago. Keep up!"
"That was a wicked goal right at the end there."
"Flattery won't work."
"You're like a fucking artist with a broom."
"What happened?" He let out a defeated sigh and sat back on the window seat, turning to watch the sunset behind him.
"You know, you should go into the clandestine services. You could topple governments with your ability to get information."
"I much prefer the quiet life," I waved my hand dismissively as I joined him on the window seat. With my back to the wall and my knees bent in front of me, I could almost touch him with my toes. "I'll stick with dismantling the patriarchy for now."
He scoffed, "Something tells me you won't lead a quiet life, Red."
"Spill." I nudged him with my toe and he let out a labored sigh.
"He thinks I'm being stupid." I rolled my eyes.
"Well, that much I'd gathered."
"You remember Regulus?"
"Your brother?" it was the wrong thing to say. The muscles in his jaw trenched and his left hand, previously resting on his thigh became a fist.
"Yes," he replied reluctantly.
"Sirius I-"
"He sent me a letter," He cut me off.
"A letter?" He nodded slowly, the fading sunlight glinting against his tanned skin in a way that made me want to reach out and touch it. Friends, the voice in my head silenced the thought before it could spiral.
"He wants to meet with me tonight."
"Well that's –" I searched his face for a hint at the right adjective, but after finding no such clue I chanced it: "bad?"
"It's concerning."
"Because you don't get along?"
"Because he gets along with my mother."
"And she's bad," I nodded, finally putting the pieces together.
"Very bad."
"So James thinks you shouldn't go?"
"James thinks we should all go," he leaned his head back against the stone wall behind him. "the Marauders, I mean – thinks they should all be nearby just in case it's a trick. He's convinced Crouch or Snape put him up to it and -"
"What do you think?" he looked down his nose at me with his head still thrown back and chanced a long sigh.
"I think he's probably right."
"Then why are fighting with him?"
"Because there's a part of me – the sick, twisted, older brother – part of me that wants it to be real. And if it's real – if he actually wants to talk – then they can't be there."
"Sounds like a gamble."
"I've always been a fan of vices," he laughed humorlessly.
"If I side with James does that mean we're fighting too?"
"I can't fight with you." He ran a tired hand down his face and let it rest loosely on his knee.
"Oh come on, bet you could do it if you tried."
"I don't want to fight with you." He finally looked at me dead on. Blue eyes met brown and I'm certain my heart skipped a beat. With only a look he'd rendered me speechless, unable to say something witty – to remain coy and aloof. With his churning blue eyes, he'd sent me out to sea. His voice called me back. "Are you taking James' side?"
I tore my gaze away from the churning blue depths and watched the sun slip down below the tree line, leaving a purple sky in its wake. "If it were any of my brothers I would go."
"Brothers," he chewed the word over in his mouth as he said it. "More than one?"
"6." He let out a low whistle in response and it hung in the air for a long moment. A gentle breeze was blowing across the grounds, sending the leaves that hung precariously on the branches dancing into the winds. It was a Pas De Deaux signaling the end of summer, and the shift into fall on the grounds, while a duet of a different kind happened on the windowsill. I could feel his eyes on me, blue eyes that sent icy gazes as if a long enough look would make me reveal everything to him.
"All of them?" He asked very quietly, so quietly I almost missed it. It occurred to me that the subject had changed, that we weren't discussing whether I would go to them or not anymore. I felt a strange twisting in my gut and nodded slowly. He nudged my toe with his. "I'm so-"
"Don't," I cut him off quickly, unwilling to let it be said.
"I'll stop."
"I would go."
"Are you saying that because you'd actually go or because-" he trailed off, unsure of how to phrase it.
"or because they're gone?" I finished for him.
"Yeah," he murmured.
"Probably both." I turned my eyes back to him, taking in the cautious way in which he studied me. It wasn't the way that Harry always looked at me like I was breakable. It was more like he was seeing how completely unbreakable I was for the first time. Like he could see me. All of me. All of the flaws and the secrets, my pain, and my power. Maybe it was the first time anyone had truly seen me. I breathed it in, I basked in it, and I tucked it away for safekeeping. Just friends, the voice echoed. Just friends who could see me, and knew I wouldn't be broken. Just friends who I wanted even though I knew it was wrong. "For what it's worth, even if it meant I might end up hurt at the end of it, I'd go."
"You would?"
"I'll distract the boys. I think they owe me a bit of celebrating, don't you? I am the newest Gryffindor chaser after all." His sad eyes sparked just a little and a nearly wolfish smile ghosted his lips.
"Save me a drink will you?"
"Butterbeer for good, fire whiskey for bad."
It was several hours later, the night nearly turned to morning, that I sat in the common room with James and Remus. A bottle of fire whiskey and four Butterbeers lay in waiting on the table before us. No one spoke a word. They'd agreed to meet at 10 and as the hour ticked closer, and closer to 1 am we grew quieter. Lily had gone to bed at 11, sighting an inability to keep her eyes open. She had no idea where Sirius had gone, and none of us had made any move to tell her. With a sympathetic parting look in my direction, it became clear that she thought he might be off with some other girl. Oh Lily you couldn't be more wrong.
Remus fiddled anxiously with the fraying hem of the armchair he occupied. Every few minutes his eyes would look over to the portrait hole like he'd heard some movement in the distance but then he'd relax again as he realized it was nothing. James wasn't much better. His wand was cradled loosely in his hand like he was ready to make a move at even the smallest signal. This stress was unfamiliar to them, and it showed in every twitch and jump. For me, it was like welcoming back an old friend. This feeling was one I'd become well acquainted with over the years. I no longer picked at my cuticles or chewed the inside of my cheek like I used to. It wasn't the sounds of movement in the distance that made me jumpy, it was the silence – the stillness. When I'd made this vigil with my mum we'd had things to keep us busy – meals to cook, bandages to roll, potions to bottle – but now I had only silence and stillness as my distraction and it wasn't helpful.
"We should-" James made a move to stand but I reached for his arm.
"He'll be back when he's ready," I replied calmly.
"Ginny you don't know-" Remus started.
"He'll be back when he's ready," I repeated it like a mantra because that's what it had become. I looked between the two boys calmly, despite the fact that my nerves were on end too.
"I don't trust Regulus." James looked so much like his son as he said it that it was like a punch in the gut. Everything from the messy hair, to the way he clenched his wand made me feel like I'd been thrown forward 20 years again – everything except for the eyes. He had Lily's eyes.
"I trust Sirius," I replied sadly, looking away quickly before the tears could take over. I missed him desperately, but then I'd been missing him for the better part of a year hadn't I?
"Sirius can be reckless," Remus said and I snorted. I know how reckless Sirius can be. I thought to myself. So reckless he'd get himself killed.
I sucked in a deep breath through my nose at the memory and shook it off before it could take root. Change what you must. Change what you must. I repeated the words to myself over and over. Changes could be made. I could make them. Nothing is set in stone.
"He's right, Ginny. He's hot-headed and wild, and –" James started but the sound of the portrait hole opening caught all of our attention. It was like we'd choreographed it as we all stood in sync and turned to watch Sirius walk into the room.
His lip was bleeding, and the knuckles on his right hand were red and bloodied. He stopped in the doorway to look at us, his eyes flitting first to James, then to Remus, then to the fire whiskey and butterbeer on the table, and then landing on me. Sirius' tongue darted toward the blood on his lip, and he winced a little as it touched the cut there before returning to his mouth. We waited in total stillness, and silence for him to move. Finally, the war on his features seemed to reach a cease-fire and he walked over to join us.
Sirius fell into the sofa next to me and snagged the bottle of fire whiskey from the table. The knot in my stomach tightened as he did it. The blood was sign enough, but the fire whiskey was definitive proof that the meeting had gone just as horribly as it seemed. He raised the bottle in my direction.
"To the newest Gryffindor chaser," He said with a wolfish grin and took a long pull from the bottle. He winced as the liquor touched the open cut on his lip, but he pulled the bottle away with the smile still in place. A look passed between Remus and James.
"How's Regulus?" James asked him calmly.
"Worried he's going to get his shit stomped by Gryffindor this year," Sirius let out a barking laugh and took another pull from the bottle. His eyes were a little wild, the smile too big, and his grip on the neck of the bottle white-knuckled.
"Padfoot," Remus said quietly, "what did he want?"
Sirius slung his other arm around the back of the sofa in response, scooting himself closer to me in the process. With his free hand, he started to finger the long strands of my hair closest to him, twirling them around his fingers distractingly as he did it. "Nothing important." He took another pull from the bottle but when he came up this time the grin was a little faded. "So, Red, first match of the year next month. Ravenclaw is a-"
"Are you seriously talking about Quidditch right now?" James half-shouted and Sirius flinched ever so slightly. We all saw it, and James quieted himself immediately. "Pads-"
"Yeah, I'm talking about Quidditch Prongs. We're celebrating." His smile was so tight now, and I watched the liquid in the bottle move as the hand clutching it started to shake.
"We're not bloody celebrating," James seethed. "You pompous, fucking-"
"Careful there, starting sound like my dear old brother." James immediately quieted and stared at Sirius with wide eyes.
"So that's all it was, an insult fest?"
"Well, I couldn't make it to the reunion this Summer. He was just giving me a taste of everything I'd missed. You know how mummy loves to entertain," He flashed Remus and James a dark look and a sense of understanding moved through the three of them.
"So I was right?" Remus asked, but Sirius only took another long pull from the bottle in response.
"Fuck, Padfoot," James muttered. I looked between the three of them in confusion. There were two conversations being had. One that lied in the spoken word, and the other in silent glances and almost imperceptible nods.
"What were you right about?" I finally cut in and the hand that had been twirling the ends of my hair stilled.
"The Regulus was asking him to come home for Christmas this year," Remus replied smoothly but I saw the lie in the way the corner of his mouth twitched as he said it.
"Liar," Sirius barked out a laugh that held no humor and took another long drink from the bottle that was nearly half empty.
"Sirius," James warned lowly.
"What? Why lie Prongs? Why? It won't make a difference." He turned to face me with a dopey grin and dead eyes. "Fire whiskey for bad right?" I shot a glance toward James who was watching the interaction with wide panicked eyes and then turned my gaze back to Sirius. I nodded slowly. "My baby brother- the little boy I taught to read, to fly, to climb a tree - my brother - has decided to become a death eater."
I couldn't tear my eyes away from the swirling storm of blue and grey in front of me. With his wild smile and sad eyes, my heart ached for him. I heard Remus expel a long breath behind me and heard James stand from his armchair, but I didn't turn to look at them. Instead, I reached toward the sad man in front of me and traced my fingers along the cut on his lip. In this close proximity, I could see where the skin around it was starting to yellow and bruise – could even make out more bruising on his cheek where another punch had surely landed. As my thumb traced over the cut he winced ever so slightly but made no move to pull away.
"Episkey," I whispered as my thumb traced it a second time and when I moved it away the skin had stitched back together only leaving the dried blood in its wake. I reached for the bottle of fire whiskey in his hand and pulled it away as I set it on the table.
"My brother," he whispered hoarsely, and finally the manic smile that had been marring his features since he'd walked in melted away. "My responsibility." The fingers on my hair started to move again, not quite twirling but moving with a soft reverence.
"It's not your fault," I replied. It was a statement I had no business making. I hardly knew the situation, couldn't have decided for myself whether Sirius had any hand in this situation at all. It's not like the Sirius Black I knew had ever spoken to me about his brother – I'd only found out he had one a week ago. But despite these facts, and my ignorance, I would bet all of my galleons on it. Sirius let out a sharp breath through his nose in response.
"Has he already taken it?" James asked quietly, pulling Sirius's sad eyes away from mine.
"Not yet," he murmured.
"We still have time then," Remus assured him but the sunken shoulders and weak nod Sirius gave back to him let us all know how lost of a cause that mission would be. "We could go to Dumbledore. He'll know what-"
"I think I should go to bed," Sirius cut him off quickly. The fingers that were playing with my hair stopped their fiddling and moved to my shoulder where he gave me a brief squeeze. "Congratulations again, Red. Can't wait to watch you destroy Slytherin."
"Sirius I-" I started.
"Sweet dreams, Red." The hand on my shoulder reached up to trace my jaw with a feather-light touch, leaving a fire in its wake. I wanted to reach out to him - to shake him, to hit him, to kiss him - But he stood up fast and started toward his bed stumbling a little as he went. The half-empty fire whiskey bottle was lit up by the amber glow of the fireplace, casting shadows around the two faces I turned toward when Sirius was gone from sight.
We all shared a knowing look, but no one said anything.
It was a blissful ignorance I'd been living since my arrival. The war wasn't here. It was beyond the castle walls. It was whispered in shadows and clandestine meetings. It was for others – not for us. And yet it had found me once again. It found me in my quiet peace, surrounded by my new friends, in a place I thought was safe from horror. But oh how wrong I was. While I'd been playing student, practicing Quidditch, kissing boys, the battle raged on. It was a reminder of my mission. The mission I'd almost forgotten.
Find the book.
Save Severus.
Change what you must.
I wouldn't dare let myself forget it again.