October 8, 1977
I looked different. My hair, usually a mess of partially curly and partially straight knots, was shiny and bouncy curled in perfect ringlets that framed my face and fell down my back in a curtain of fiery waves. I'd let Marlene talk me into a full face of makeup and she'd clearly worked her magic. My freckles were muted under the dusting of powder she'd given me, and instead of feeling dowdy, like I usually did, I felt beautiful. My cheeks bore a pinkish tint that highlighted my high cheekbones and my usually chapped lips were pink and shiny under the lip gloss she'd applied. She'd spent the most time on my eyes, so long that I worried I'd resemble a woman of the night, but when she stepped away she revealed her genius. She'd carefully hidden the dark circles I still bore from my time at Aunt Muriel's, and she'd dusted them with soft pinks and browns making them appear bright and complimenting my brown eyes perfectly. My usually blonde eyelashes were mascaraed and noticeable for the first time, I hadn't realized they were that long. I touched my face softly and smiled. I'd gained weight over the past month, though nothing like I used to be, my cheeks no longer looked gaunt and my eyes didn't sink in so bad. Under Marlene's artful hand I looked almost like my old self…a more polished version of her anyway. She took one last look at her creation before tucking a stray hair behind my ear.
"You look perfect!" She squealed. "Now go change and no smudging." I laughed at her instructions but followed regardless.
I pulled the outfit she'd picked out last night on. A red and black pleated skirt that she had graciously let me borrow, forced me to wear is more like it I thought to myself, paired with a soft black turtleneck, and tall black socks. It looked pretty amazing, and with Marlene's practiced hand on my face and hair, I was sure that even Sirius Black would be at a loss for words when I came down the stairs tonight.
"What do you think?" I asked Marlene.
"You're a knockout, Gin," She smiled and grabbed my hand pulling me over to look in the mirror for myself.
I let out a soft gasp at what I saw. I didn't look like Ginny Weasley, the little sister of the 6 Weasley brothers, the only daughter of the penniless Molly and Arthur, or the ex-girlfriend of the boy who lived. No, I looked like Ginny Cole, beautiful, elegant, and strong, off on a date with Sirius Black.
"You're pretty good at this, Marley." I said as I smoothed out the skirt and admired her handiwork.
"I know," She tossed her dark hair over her shoulder and gave me a wink in the mirror. "You can pay me back tomorrow and help me with the Transfiguration essay."
"You got it."
"Unless of course, you're too tired from whatever it is that Sirius Black has in store for you." She headed over toward the door. I felt red warmth start to spread its way up my neck.
"You're worse than any of the boys, you know?" I groaned remembering the relentless teasing I'd been subject to since I'd lost the quidditch game last week. The innuendo and double entendre had been so embarrassing, and yet I couldn't help but feel some kind of excitement at the prospect of the evening.
I hadn't been on a date since…well I wasn't quite sure when the last time I'd been on a date was. Harry and I had never been on a real one. We'd gone for walks around the grounds, and stolen private moments in the corridors, but never had a real actual date. I suppose the only date I could really consider to be a real one was with Dean Thomas at Madame Puttifoot's tearoom. That date had ended in a disastrous fight. My stomach gave a small twist and filled with butterflies. Yes, this was the first date I'd been on in years. Hopefully, it lived up to the fanfare surrounding it.
Chancing one final glance in the mirror, I steeled my nerves. "Here goes nothing," I muttered to myself and started the trek down to the common room. Marlene followed close behind.
The common room was emptier than usual for a Saturday night. A group of second-year boys was in the midst of a very loud game of exploding snap in one corner while a group of fifth years was huddled over the latest copy of Witch Weekly in the other. A fourth-year couple snogged relentlessly in the window seat, while a group of fourth-year girls glared at them from across the room. Finally, I found the boy I'd been looking for. He was in front of one of the fireplaces chatting quietly with Remus. James and Lily were on the couch next to him, cuddled closely together absorbed in a heated conversation that had Lily giggling and James with a goofy smile plastered across his face. It was all so innocent, so serene, so completely unlike the Gryffindor common room, I'd lived in for the past year. It was perfect. Remus found me first and his eyes widened; clearly, I wasn't the only one who thought Marlene was quite good. He nudged Sirius whose head shot up quickly and his eyes found mine.
For a brief moment it felt like it was just the two of us in this large common room. I stopped hearing Lily's giggles, or the cursing of the second years, and only the sound of my heart pounding in my chest was audible. It was like a magnet was drawing him closer, pulling me in to meet him in the middle. He cleaned up well. His hair, usually worn in an artfully messy style, was tied back neatly on the nape of his neck. He'd shaved for the first time since I'd known him, and his normally stubbled cheek looked soft and welcoming. A short sleeve burgundy button-up shirt left the top three buttons open to tease at a tuft of dark chest hair underneath. A leather jacket was draped over his arm, a hint toward our plans for the evening. I sucked in a sharp breath as he met me, he smelled amazing.
"You look…" He searched for the right words as he devoured me with his gaze. I blushed under the scrutiny.
"It was all Marlene," I shrugged.
"Beautiful," He settled on that word and smiled at me. He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on my cheek. I was right, without the stubble it was soft. I looked over to find Marlene, Remus, James, and Lily, watching us closely.
"It would seem that we have an audience," I whispered before he could pull away. He followed my gaze and a large grin spread across his face.
"Don't you lot have anything better to do?" He called over to the group. James let out a loud laugh as Lily ducked her head beneath the couch in hiding.
"Just enjoying the show, Pads," Remus replied cheekily. Sirius grabbed hold of my hand and started pulling me out of the room, away from the prying eyes of our friends, and Lily peeked out from over the couch to watch our retreat.
"Make good choices!" She shouted as I ducked my head out of the portrait hole and into the corridor. Safely out of view from the audience we didn't ask for, Sirius settled into a comfortable pace still keeping a tight grip on my hand. He laced our fingers together and pulled me along.
"So what do you have in store for me this evening, Mr. Black?" I asked. The warm pressure of his hand in mine was comforting and thrilling all at once.
"It's a surprise," He winked.
"Hogsmede again?" I guessed and he let out a snort.
"I'm no date repeater, Ms. Cole."
"That wasn't a date," I playfully swatted at his arm and he gave me a look that made my stomach do a flip.
"Best date I ever had," He said softly. That familiar warm feeling spread through me again and I wondered how long I could hold out against the charms of Sirius Black as he tugged me down a corridor I couldn't quite place.
"Where are we going?"
"Somewhere private," He replied. We stopped in front of a portrait of 2 armor-clad soldiers engaging in a joust. The first soldier, wearing silver, knocked his opponent off of his horse and turned to face us.
"Sirius, my boy, is this the girl?" He asked jovially as he sunk into a deep bow. "My lady, young Mr. Black spoke of your beauty but his words did you no justice."
I gave Sirius a sidelong glance and saw an embarrassed look cross his face. "Oh, he did now?"
The second knight, clad in gold, having recovered from their fight stood up to join him and bowed too. "He also spoke of your great wit and charm."
"Okay, that's enough of that," Sirius groaned. Both knights stood up and drew their swords.
"You must best us in a duel to gain entry," the first night called. Sirius rolled his eyes and pulled a quill from his pocket. He tossed it toward the painting, but instead of bouncing off and falling to the ground, it went through the canvas and the two knights vanished to reveal the doorway to a darkened room. I looked at the boy beside me in awe.
"The pen is mightier than the sword you know," Sirius gave me a wink and tugged me through the now visible doorway. The doorway led us through a short tunnel that opened up into a room that took my breath away.
The stone floor turned to soft, green grass and the temperature, which was comfortable a moment before, dropped quickly. It was like we'd apparated to a new world. The ceiling and walls were replaced with large panels of glass and before me was the most star-filled night sky I had ever seen. The night skies at The Burrow, which were always starry and bright, couldn't hold a candle to this one. There were constellations I had never seen before, shooting stars, I could practically make out a distant planet if I looked hard enough, and there were bright, colorful, lights dancing throughout the highest part of the room. I walked forward to the center and stood there in awe, feeling like I was the only person in the world for a brief moment. It was a rustling next to me that broke me out of my own head, as Sirius laid out a large blanket on the grass and knelt down next to a large basket. He pulled out another, much thicker blanket, and a few pillows and placed them on the ground.
"Take a seat," He said quietly. I followed his instructions, still in awe of the space before me. I'd never known a room like this existed on the grounds of Hogwarts. He pulled two glasses out of the basket and handed them to me and then produced a bottle of red wine. "This one's my favorite." He used his wand to pop out the cork and poured us each a glass, his far larger than my own.
"Is this still Hogwarts?" I asked him, as he pulled out boxes of fire fancies, chocolate frogs, treacle tart, and a bar of muggle chocolate I'd never seen before.
"I think so," he replied as he glanced around the room. "I found it in my fourth year, I thought it was the perfect place for tonight." I held up my glass to his and gave it a gentle clink.
"To tonight," I toasted.
"To tonight." We both sipped our wine and I felt the warm feeling that comes with drinking it. He watched me over the top of his glass. "Do you like it?"
"It's beautiful, Sirius." It was the truth. Even in my dreams, I had never seen such a beautiful sky. I took another sip of the wine and felt a warm redness settle in my cheeks that had nothing to do with the boy next to me. "So does it always look like this?"
Sirius looked up at the ceiling and the walls in thought. "For the most part," he replied. "There was one time that I came here and saw this incredible meteor shower, and then another time I saw a comet just over there." He pointed to the far left of the room where nothing special was going on. I reached toward the cash of sweets he had piled onto the blanket in between us and pulled open the muggle candy bar.
"What's this then?" Sirius broke into one of his wolfish smiles.
"That's my all-time favorite, a curly wurly bar." I pulled one of the ends apart from the rest and bit into it. My mouth was filled with the taste of delicious milk chocolate and caramel that melted on my tongue. Sirius laughed when he saw my eyes widen. "It's good right?"
"Delicious!" I broke off another piece and ate it. Sirius reached for the candy bar but I pulled it out of his reach. "Get your own, Black."
"Technically speaking, it is mine, I bought it," He said haughtily as he made another play for the sweet. I pulled it even further out of reach and took another bite for myself.
"Finders, keepers." I sang. He dove for the chocolate and got his hand on it. I let out a loud shriek of a laugh and rolled out of his reach but he rolled with me. With him on top of me, and me pulling the candy away from him, I couldn't contain my laughter. The position was awkward and I could tell he was trying not to put his full weight on me, thus leaving him very vulnerable. I hooked my right knee around his leg and flipped us, leaving me practically straddling him when we were righted. I pulled the chocolate out of his reach and took the last bite. "I win."
Sirius looked up at me like he'd never seen me before. His elbows were bent to prop him up and his eyes raked over me like a starving man. My laughter died down as we stared at each other for what felt like an eternity. He sat up slowly and placed his left hand gently on my waist while his right reached up to brush a stray curl that had fallen in my face during the fight. No longer was he playful nor did his eyes dance with laughter, no, now they were dark and stormy and I wondered if he would hear me if I said something. His face was inches from mine and I knew I wanted him to kiss me. Friends, a quiet voice in the back of my head chanted. Friends, it reminded me to keep things cool and casual. Friends, it said as I leaned my head down to meet his lips. Screw friends, I thought as our lips met for the first time since that dark classroom two weeks ago.
A burning fire raced through my core as I brought my arms down around Sirius' shoulders. His lips were soft and he tasted like red wine. Kissing Sirius was what kissing was supposed to feel like, I decided. He was strong and sure of himself and he knew exactly what he wanted. There was no caution, he never questioned if he was doing it right because he was practiced and knew that he was. Before I could deepen the kiss, beg for more, he pulled away and let out a quiet chuckle.
"I've been wanting to do that for weeks," he confessed. I felt a blush creep up my neck as I realized just how vulnerable a position I was in. I moved back to the blanket and allowed a bit of distance between us. Picking up my abandoned wine glass, I took a long sip and allowed the drink to do its work in warming me up and giving me some courage.
"Me too."
"I win!" he shouted as he pinned my thumb down with his own. I groaned and took a long drink from my...third? Fourth? Glass of wine. I'd lost track ages ago. "Your favorite food?"
"What an awful question."
"It's the rules, Red."
"Fine," I rolled my eyes "chicken soup, but not just anyone's chicken soup, the one my mum made."
"Why?"
"There were seven of us, and no matter what she would always make it any time we were sick."
"That's a lot of chicken soup," Sirius laughed.
"Wanna know a secret?" Call it the wine, or the stars, I was feeling like an open book and Sirius was my avid reader.
"I want to know all of your secrets," He drawled as he took a deep sip from his wine glass. I raised an eyebrow at him over my glass.
"I used to fake sick sometimes," I confessed.
"For chicken soup?"
"For chicken soup," I nodded. "For chicken soup, and a chance to be the center of attention for a bit."
"You had one of those good mums didn't you?" The question caught me off guard. My mother wasn't just 'a good mum' she was the best mum, the only one I would ever have and ever need. My childhood, while not overflowing with privilege, was abundant with love.
"I had one of those great Mums," I replied. Sirius reached for my hand and I busied myself with the wine.
"I'm so sorry, Ginny. She must have been very special." His words caught me off guard as I looked back at his eyes. Blue met with brown and we shared a moment of understanding. Me mourning the mother I lost, and Sirius morning the mother he never had.
"No," I shook my head and grabbed hold of his hand to start another round of our thumb war. "She was just my mum."
Sirius let out a soft laugh as we wrestled again. He was much stronger, and I was still recovering from our conversation. "I win again. Favorite color?"
"Yellow," I said decisively, "because it reminds me of the sun. You?"
"Red," He replied. I snorted.
"Red? Seriously? You're a Gryffindor cliché!"
"Guilty as charged," He shrugged as he finished his own glass. "It's because it always got a rise out of my mum." I raised a quizzical eyebrow as he grabbed my hand again for another round.
"You've never talked about your mum before," I said as we wrestled.
"I never bring her up," he shrugged. I pinned his thumb down and held him there for the required 3 seconds. "Your turn."
"Will you tell me about her?" I asked cautiously. He took a moment to pour himself more wine and took a long sip while he thought over my request. "Come on, I told you about mine."
"She's not my favorite topic." His eyes were dark and stormy as he planned his next sentence carefully. I waited for him to speak, shivering a little in the cool air. Without hesitation, Sirius picked up the leather jacket that lay nearly forgotten at his side and placed it around my shoulders engulfing me in the smell of Fleetwood's High Finish Broom Polish, and something smoky yet sweet. Sirius took a deep breath and let it out through his nose as adjusted the collar, fingering a stray hair of mine as he fiddled with it. "The Ancient and Most Noble House of Black is one of the sacred 28, you know?" I nodded as he continued. "Toujours Pur. Always pure. That's their motto. Blood purity is everything to my family, drilled into me for as long as I can remember. There was a lot that was expected of me once upon a time. They wanted me to marry a pureblood woman, have pureblood children, amass more wealth for the Black name…but I…I chose a different path. Sorted into Gryffindor, consorted with half-bloods and worse. My mother is an evil woman, my father is even worse. They disowned me last year." He was looking toward a distant star on the wall, deep in thought. He pointed at it and leaned toward me. "See that star there?"
I looked at where he was pointing and found a bright star waiting for me.
"That's Sirius. You can always see it because it's the brightest star in the sky. Sirius literally means glowing in ancient Greek." I studied it and found that he was right, the star was outshining everyone around it. I'd seen it many times before, though never knowing it was his star. I found myself remembering the times I would wish on it as a child, wishing I could go to Hogwarts like my brothers, wishing the nightmares from the chamber would go away, wishing that Harry would see me as more than Ron's little sister, wishing that the war would end and my whole family would make it out alive. "Sometimes I wonder if I ever glowed to them. I was never the perfect child in my parent's eyes, but I think if I'd been sorted into Slytherin I may have become the person they had more in mind."
"Do you wish you'd been a Slytherin?"
He shook his head quickly, "No. If it weren't for James, and Remus, and Peter then I think I would've become one of them. A blood purist, walking around thinking I'm better than everyone else."
"Like Regulus?" Sirius tensed up at my question and a shadow crossed his face. He took a long drink from his wine glass and his left hand found a tuft of grass and began to pull it up, ripping it from the ground.
"I tried to protect Regulus when we were kids. I took the blame for things, bared the brunt of it, taught him how to hide…but in the end, I couldn't save him and myself. I had to choose," he said very quietly. He found a new point on the wall, a new star to watch in the distance. My heart sank for him, wondering what he had been through in that house. During my summer at Grimmauld place, I knew it was not a happy homecoming for the ex-convict but a different kind of prison. I reached toward his right hand, but not for another round of thumb wars. He tensed at my touch as I laced my fingers through his and gave them a firm squeeze. He squeezed back and looked at me.
"It's not your fault."
"You keep saying that," He let out a breathy laugh.
"It's true," I gave his fingers another squeeze. "Probably."
"If I'd stayed he wouldn't have had to-"
"If you'd stayed you'd be in his position, right?"
He took a long pause to mull it over before conceding, "Right."
"And then he'd take the mark too a year later."
"If I took it he wouldn't-"
"Sirius," I stopped him with a look and a gentle squeeze, "Before you came to Hogwarts, before you were a Gryffindor, before you met James and Remus and Peter, did you believe in the stuff your parents taught you?"
"No," he said darkly.
"Then you never would have taken the mark."
He looked at me like he was battling a great demon in his head, the demon of what could have been, and there was nothing I could do to help him in the fight. He took another long drink from his glass before turning his blue-eyed gaze back to mine. "I begged him not to, you know?"
"Is that why you hit him?" He let out a snort through his nose and threw his head back to look up at the stars again.
"He hit me first."
"Oh, are you tattling?" I rolled my eyes. He let out a shaky laugh and turned back to look at me, the blue of his eyes swimming.
"He said it's what he believed in, what we were born for," he replied. "Then he said he looked forward to meeting me on the battlefield." He raised his glass toward the sky in a toast. "May the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black be rid of its stain at last." He took in a shaky breath as he brought the wine glass to his lips and drank. "He said it, but it sounds like my mum's words."
"I'm so sorry, Sirius."
"Don't be." He replied as the look of anguish melted away and the cool-tempered Sirius I knew returned – a little bruised but still there. "He hasn't been my brother in a long time."
"He'll always be your family."
"Only in blood. Never in reality. There was this thing I read about in a muggle book once, I'm probably saying it wrong but it said 'there are two types of family, the one we're born to and the one we find. Sometimes they're like oil and water completely separate, and sometimes, if you're lucky, there's no difference between them. They're the same.' The marauders are the family I found, it's the oil and water kind, but it's the greatest I've ever known."
"That's beautiful," I whispered. Sirius snorted in response.
"That's a secret," He replied. "Don't you go spreading around the school that Sirius Black says beautiful things to pretty girls. I have a reputation to uphold." I let out a snort of my own.
"As if anyone would believe me."
"I've got one more secret for you."
"Oh? Do tell?" I laughed as I turned to face him. He sat with his knees bent and he leaned forward with his forearms bearing the brunt of his weight on his knees. Sirius looked like a picture in one of those magazines Hermione used to show me, with his rugged looks hair falling messily from its ponytail, and an intense gaze that left me shivering. My heart skipped a beat as our eyes connected.
"I like you, Ginny…a lot. And I don't think I can be just your friend." He said it with such ease, such charm, and such confidence that it caught me off guard. His eyes were locked with mine and he didn't look away nervously like so many other boys would have. A warm flush was creeping up my cheeks, but I didn't dare look away in embarrassment at his words. I moved forward to close the space between us. My heart was beating loudly in my ears. Sitting up on my knees, and placing myself between his, I reached my hand toward his face, so nervous for what might come next. He caught it quickly, stopping me in my tracks. I froze, unsure of what he wanted. Hadn't he just asked for this? Why would he lay his feelings out in the open like that if he didn't want me to kiss him? I started to shrink away, back into the safety of the blanket underneath us, but the tight grip on my wrist held me in place. My eyes caught his again as he pulled my wrist toward his lips. He placed a gentle kiss where my heartbeat thudded. He moved my hand to his chest where his own heart pounded. They kept time together, counting the seconds of silence like a drum. I gazed into his eyes to find a grey storm inside them. He wanted a response.
Bum, Bum. I knew what I should say, that I didn't like him like that. I should tell him that he's wrong, and I don't feel the same way, and that I was only here to fulfill my end of a bargain. I knew I should say no. Bum, Bum. But as his heart thundered underneath my palm, mimicking the pounding of my own, and before I could even think about what the words meant I said it back. "I like you too." Bum, Bum. The storm in his eyes intensified, and the drumming under my hand sped up. Be happy. Bum, Bum. The words echoed in my head breaking through the cacophonous thoughts of no, no, no. And then everything stilled. Bum, Bum. The voice in the back of my head was silent, my heart was slowed, the only thing I could see, hear, or feel, was the fast, erratic heartbeat of Sirius Black. Bum, Bum. The stormy grey-blue eyes of Sirius Black. Bum, Bum. The way his breath seemed to whisper Just say yes. Bum, Bum. I leaned forward, my palm firm on his chest, and brought my lips a few inches from his. "I don't want to be just friends."
He burst into a smile and closed the distance between us. The smells of sweet smoke and broom polish intensified, despite the fact that the jacket fell from my shoulders onto the blanket behind me. It was a kiss unlike any I'd ever shared. His warm lips encased mine, soft to the touch and firm in pressure, fulfilling a need for contact I hadn't realized was so intense. He brought a hand to the back of my head and tangled his fingers in my hair, a distant voice in my head started to protest at the idea of letting Marlene's work be ruined, but it was silenced by his tongue demanding entrance into my mouth. My lips parted in surprise and allowed him entrance. He tasted like chocolate and red wine. As his tongue worked its magic, he shifted his weight forward and brought his left hand to my waist. He pushed me on my back gracefully, never allowing our lips to part for more than a second. His hand was firm on my waist, and the pressure from his hand on the back of my head was constant. As we kissed under the stars, I felt his heart thudding loudly under my palm. His kiss was nothing like any other I'd ever had. It was firm but also gentle, commanding yet yielding, sweet and hot, all at the same time. Dean had never kissed like this, Michael Corner could only dream of it, and Harry – well Harry wasn't here. None of them were here. I was here, I was alone. I was – I was kissing Sirius Black.
It was suddenly not enough, and I wanted, no I needed more. I brought my other hand to the buttons on his shirt, pulling them apart quickly, desperate to feel more of him, to see more, to escape the thoughts of boys who weren't even alive yet – of loves I'd never get to have again. His lips stilled as I worked my way to the third button, and the hand on my waist moved to catch my wrist.
"Ginny stop," He whispered against my lips. I opened my eyes to see a storm brewing in his again. Grey, churning, orbs caught mine as we both panted from inches away. Shame came over me, embarrassment, and I squirmed away from him, but he caught me, leaving me unable to move.
"Sirius let me go."
"No." His grip on my wrist tightened, but not enough to hurt, and the fingers in my hair adjusted their grip.
"Isn't this what you wanted?" I glared up at him, replacing my embarrassment with anger. I could turn his face into someone else's, make myself forget who he was and who I was with this fight. Maybe if we were fighting I wouldn't have to feel the guilt of enjoying myself. If we were fighting I wouldn't have to admit that this all felt so incredibly right. "Wasn't this your goal? Wasn't this your grand plan?"
"I want you, Ginny."
"So have me then!" I yelled in his face. For a second his grip slackened, and I took advantage of his distraction. I pushed against his chest and rolled over, but as we turned he seemed to find his strength again and his grip on my wrist intensified. In the end, it was me on top of him, my knees on either side of his hips. The hand that was in my hair before was now gripping my hip, and I felt something hard poking against my leg. "You want me, I can feel it."
"Of course, I want you, didn't I just say that?" He sat up, bringing his face close to mine again. "I've wanted you from the moment I saw you." His hand found my cheek and grabbed ahold of it to keep me there. He didn't treat me like fine china, or like I was just a second of happiness in a sea of trouble like Harry always had. No, Sirius was completely different, and I was completely horrible for wanting him like this. His eyes raked my face, memorizing every inch of it like he may never see it again.
"Then why?"
"I'm afraid," he shrugged as his thumb brushed against my lips. "I'm afraid if we…. I'm afraid that I'll ruin it."
"What? The sex?" He let out a low chuckle as the hand that traced my lips journeyed down my neck. The hand was so gentle, yet so firm, as it caressed me, threatened me, as the fingers moved on either side he could squeeze and have me gasping, but he didn't. Want began to pool in my stomach, despite my anger.
"Ginny," He breathed. The warm breath sent good bumps down my arms and a warm flush up my neck. A wolfish smile crossed his lips as he admired his handiwork. "I've passed my time with other girls, I won't do the same to you."
"Sirius-" I started to move off of him, but he caught me. One hand on my hip, the other gripping the back of my neck.
"I want to know all of your secrets, I want to share all of your joy, and all of your pain," he whispered.
"No, you don't."
"You just have to let me," he replied.
We lay there, under the stars, waiting for my reply. Every part of me wanted to let him in. I wanted him to share in my secrets, I wanted him to ease the burden of my pain, I wanted him to help me on my mission to change the course of the war, but I couldn't. I couldn't want him. I couldn't do this, it was all too much. I felt tears streaming down my cheeks as I looked at him. His lips, so soft and inviting, were just a breath away and I could close the gap - I could let him in, but instead, I pulled away. I moved off of him, turning my back on the boy I wanted so badly.
"I have to go." I heard the rustling of him sitting up; I could feel his blue eyes boring into my back.
"Why?"
"I can't give you what you want Sirius," the tears were streaming down my face now, ruining the makeup Marlene had worked so hard on.
"Why are you doing this?" With my back turned, I was able to think clearly. When I wasn't looking at him it was easier to lie to myself. I was just caught up in the heat of the moment. I was just saying what I wanted him to hear. I was just playing the role he'd cast me in.
"I don't think we should be friends, Sirius."
"Then what do you want us to be?" I could hear the fear in his voice as he asked the question we both already knew the answer to.
"Nothing," I whispered. He didn't say anything, and I didn't either. I stood up quickly, steeling my nerves as I turned to leave. Sirius sat rooted in the spot I'd left him in. He stared up at me in confusion, but I looked past him and left him under the stars.