CW: Sexual Assault, take care of yourself!
October 26, 1977
"Gin," A soft voice whispered in my ear. The heat of their breath sent goosebumps along my neck and a warm flush spread across my cheeks. The sun was blinding me from my spot on the grass. Where were we? On the quidditch pitch perhaps? Or maybe the lawn in front of the lake? "Ginny, let's get out of here." His hand reached down into mine and he pulled me up softly, catching me in his warm embrace as I stood. Green eyes met with brown and I smiled.
"Harry." I let him pull me toward the castle and laughed as we stumbled up the stairs to the astronomy tower. It was dark as we went, the only lights came from the torches on the wall. Had day suddenly turned to night? Our fingers never left the warm embrace of the others hand as we journeyed. Occasionally he would stop and pull me to him, letting our lips meet for just a second, the walk was too long and neither of us could wait. We finally reached the top of the tower and he pulled me into his arms again.
Suddenly it was like we were starving, and the only thing that would save us was the other's kiss. Harry was gentle, never pressuring me to do more than we already had, but I was desperate for more. I wrapped his fingers in mine and guided his hand gently under my shirt. His hand tensed, unsure of what came next, as I moved my hand and put it back around his neck. I placed soft burning kisses over his jawline and up to his ear.
"Some Gryffindor you are," I whispered. I saw his neck break into goosebumps and gently nibbled his earlobe with my teeth.
"Ginny," he pushed me away slightly.
"Is something wrong?" I asked, feeling nervous for the first time since we'd arrived.
"Promise me something?" He asked, his hand still resting on my bare stomach.
"Anything," I replied, reaching up on my toes to kiss him long and hard. He responded gently but pulled away far quicker than I would have liked.
"You'll lay low, stay under the radar next year." I pulled away from him.
"Lay low?" I asked quietly.
"It's all happening so fast, Gin, and I would never be able to live with myself if-"
"If what?" I asked venomously, I felt a white-hot boiling anger bubble up. "If the death eaters came for me?" He shrunk in front of me and I let him feel the full brunt of my rage. "If Voldemort himself tried to possess me? Use me as bait, again?"
"Ginny, don't-"
"Don't what, Harry?"
"Don't try to be a hero."
"No that's your job, isn't it," I said bitingly. His face fell before me, and I felt an ounce of shame at yelling at him. He's just trying to protect me. I thought to myself. But I didn't need protecting, I was just as capable as him…as anyone. "I'm not that little girl lying in the chamber anymore."
"I know you're not, I just-"
"I fought with you at the ministry didn't I?" I yelled.
"And you nearly got yourself killed." He shouted back.
"But I'm here. I don't need you to keep me out of the action, Harry. I can handle myself-"
"I know that Ginny." He groaned putting his head in his hands and grabbing a handful of hair as he agonized.
"Then why are you doing this?" I asked.
"Because I won't be able to handle it." He looked at me with pain in his eyes. " I won't be able to fight, to do what has to be done if I know you're in danger. Please, Ginny, I'm begging you."
I looked back at him coldly. This boy I loved, trying to protect me, and ruining me at the same time. A single tear fell down my cheek, betraying me. "Please don't make me promise this," I whispered. "When all of this is over when Voldemort is gone, I'll never forgive you if you make me sit it out." Harry let out a long breath I didn't realize he was holding and reached out for my hand. I let him take it.
"Fine," he said, "I won't ask you to." His fingers laced with mine like he was offering a silent apology, and I responded by gripping his hand with mine in a silent acceptance. "Can you at least promise you won't do something stupid?"
"Something stupid?" I asked quietly with a small laugh. I looked into his eyes and saw a sort of desperate request for agreement. "Okay," I could give him this. I stepped closer to him and kissed him softly. "Can you promise me something?"
"What is it?"
"You won't go and get yourself killed?" He chuckled quietly and kissed me again this time harder, and with more need.
"I'll do my best." His arms wrapped around my waist, and I reached up to wrap mine around his neck. Enveloped in each other's arms, I felt warm and safe and loved. There was no war outside of the castle walls, no murderous monster plotting our downfall, and nothing else but the two of us there at that moment.
I woke up to the sun shining through the crack in my bed curtains with the same empty feeling that had been prevalent for weeks. I stared at the light through the crack and listened to the rusting of girls getting ready around me. Marlene hummed to herself from one corner in the room. Mary was leaving the bathroom, a trail of flowery shampoo following her as she walked past my bed. Dorcas dug through her trunk loudly, while Lily could be heard scratching away in her own corner at some long-finished assignment she'd decided to add more to in the end. I wanted to get up and join them, to sing along to Marlene's tune, to tease Mary for the hour she'd spent washing her hair, to remind Dorcas that whatever she was looking for was probably under the bed, or to joke with Lily about her perfectionism. But I didn't. I tried to close my eyes, to pick up where I left off in my dream. I'd been having it every night since the date with Sirius. Sometimes it would go on to the good part, but mostly it ended there with broken promises.
I opened my eyes and sat up, not really ready to move from the warmth of the bed, but knowing I would have to get up eventually. Pulling the curtains back, Dorcas sang a loud "Good morning," from her spot under the bed. She pulled out her missing shoe in triumph as I stood. "Breakfast in ten?"
"Sure," I nodded, flashing her a half-hearted smile as I moved toward the bathroom. I felt Lily and Marlene's eyes on me as I shut the door behind me.
I hadn't told anyone about what had happened between me and Sirius. They only knew that we weren't on speaking terms anymore. It was easier this way, to move through the school without him. I spent my free time in the library, searching for the book I'd been sent here to find. I'd let him distract me from the reason I'd come here in the first place. It was the only thing that mattered now. Find the book, find the key to defeating Voldemort, and destroy him. Maybe if we did everything the right way now, the future would be different. If we did everything right the first time no one would have to die. Harry would never have to be the chosen one. I would never have to come back here.
My routine kept me rooted. Wake up. Go to breakfast. Avoid Sirius. Go to Class. Avoid Sirius. Go to dinner. Avoid Sirius. Go to the library. Search for the book. Wait until just before curfew. Go to the common room. Avoid Sirius. Go to bed. Repeat. I repeated it in my head as I brushed my hair, washed my face, and brushed my teeth. It was my mantra as I dressed for classes.
I joined the girls as we walked down to breakfast. Marlene was regaling us with the story of her most recent date with a Ravenclaw named Tim. I laughed at all the right parts, threw in a witty comment where appropriate, and played my role with ease. All the while, I was steeling myself for the day, getting ready to pretend that I wasn't interested in everything he said. I prepared myself to act like I didn't watch his every move from afar. We arrived in the great hall and I scanned it, like I always did, to see where he might be. It was with a small sigh of relief that I didn't find him in his usual spot between Remus and Peter. We made our way over to the trio and found our spots. Lily sat next to James, bumping his shoulder as she sat. Dorcas next to her, then me, with Marlene and Mary next to Remus on the other side.
"Good morning," Mary flashed the boys one of her patented thousand-watt smiles that melted the heart of everyone who saw it. The eggs Peter had spooned into his mouth a second before could be seen, half-chewed, through his teeth as he smiled back to her.
Remus was unaffected as he looked at me with wide eyes from across the table. "Morning," his eyes flashed over to James and I watched as both boys shared a panicked look.
"Ginny, will you help me go over the potions essay?" Remus asked quickly in a high-pitched voice I didn't recognize. I raised an eyebrow at him over my toast.
"Now?"
"Yes, now, it's just back in the common room. Come on-" Remus stood up quickly and turned toward the door of the great hall but froze before taking another step. I followed his gaze and found what he'd been trying to protect me from seeing. There in the doorway stood the man my mind had been so consumed with.
His shirt was a mess, the buttons were not correctly lined up leaving one side longer than the other. His hair was a rat's nest of tangles and his neck looked as if it had been subjected to a very special kind of abuse. The abuser was there too, a fifth-year Hufflepuff girl with reddish-brown hair who grabbed his hand and pulled him in for a bruising kiss. A chorus of catcalls came from the Hufflepuff table as they pulled apart, at least she had the decency to blush. Sirius didn't watch her go, but instead, his eyes darted to the Gryffindor table and locked with mine. He raised his eyebrow as if to say, 'you asked for this.' I felt seven pairs of eyes on me in an instant, waiting for my reaction.
"Can someone pass the jam?" I asked as I turned away from Sirius. I wouldn't let it bother me. This was the bed I made, and now I had to lie in it. It was better this way, he wasn't for me – couldn't be – so this is what I must do. No matter how much it hurt. Lily pushed the pot of jam toward me, and I spread it across my toast.
"Good morning," came the smooth drawl of Sirius Black as he found his spot in between Remus and Peter, directly across from me. Quiet 'good mornings' came from the group as they all watched us carefully, waiting for an explosion. I looked down at my plate as I munched on my breakfast, the faster I ate the faster I could leave and rush toward Transfiguration and away from him. "You look nice this morning, Ginny." My eyes shot up to meet his, he hadn't spoken directly to me in ten days. Not since I left him behind. And the bastard was using my first name. Prick.
"You look like you've been wrestling with an octopus," I replied quickly. For a brief second Sirius' eyes narrowed in anger, but he hid it quickly and a sly smile crossed his lips.
"May as well have been," he laughed and nudged Peter. "I swear Gemma Davis has eight hands."
"And no tact," I muttered under my breath.
"What was that, Cole?" He baited me from over his pumpkin juice.
"I just don't think that's your shade," I shrugged and indicated the ring of bright pink lip gloss around his mouth. He brought his hand up to his mouth quickly and wiped at the remnants of her makeup. For a brief second, I thought I saw some shame in his eyes, but it was gone too quickly to really tell. "I'll see you all later." I stood up quickly and dropped my half-eaten toast on the plate.
It was stupid of me to be so angry, to feel hurt when it was my fault this was even happening. He had bared his soul to me and I had walked away, so anything he did was just to make me hurt as I'd hurt him. I deserved it. Didn't I?
October 29, 1977
The common room was hot and packed with bodies as I made my way through the crowd carrying 3 cups of the god-awful punch Peter had whipped up for the occasion. Sirius Black's birthday was a hot ticket, and students from all the houses –except Slytherin of course – could be seen dancing to the music that pumped through the common room. Marlene and Dorcas sat to the right of the dance floor. When I'd left them a few minutes ago they were alone but now they seemed to be holding court with three Ravenclaw boys I recognized from Transfiguration class. Seventh years. As I made my way over to the group, Marlene's eyes lit up.
"Ginny!" She squealed with excitement as she reached for the cups I was carrying. It was our fourth – maybe fifth glass of the punch, plus the few sips of fire whiskey Mary forced us all to take before the party. I was feeling it: the light heady slap happiness that accompanied drinking. It was the first time in weeks I'd felt so light and carefree. Marlene linked her arm through mine and guided me over to the group. "Everyone, this is Ginny Cole. Ginny this is Robert, Sam, and that's Jamie." She introduced the boys around us. Robert was already wrapped up in Dorcas, Sam only had eyes for Marlene, and Jamie…well it was clear that he was here for a reason. Me.
"Nice to finally meet you, Ginny," Jamie leaned forward to say directly into my ear. The hot breath sent a small tingle down my spine. He had shaggy straight hair that hung over his ears, and green eyes that devoured me with a glance. He wasn't all that tall, but he was very handsome.
"Nice to meet you, Jamie," I smiled.
"I have a confession, Ginny." He slurred loudly in my ear.
"What's your confession, Jamie?" I giggled into my cup.
"I have a crush on you."
"Me?" I looked up at him in surprise.
"Yeah," he shrugged as he took a long sip of his drink. I didn't know this boy. I didn't know if he was even being honest. But he was nice. He was here. He was the distraction I wanted.
"Well, then you better ask me to dance." His eyes lit up and he downed the remaining contents of his drink.
"Want to dance?" I looked up at him with a goofy smile and nodded. I took a long drink from my cup and finished its contents. The familiar warmth of liquor spread through my stomach and brought a welcome redness to my cheeks. I handed Marlene the empty cup.
"We're going to dance," I shouted to her. She flashed me a dazzling smile.
"Meet you out there!" She called. I turned back to Jamie and grabbed his hand, successfully dragging him out to the center of the dance floor.
I felt the music throbbing in my veins, my heart kept time to the tune, and I threw my head back and started to dance. Jamie was there, his hands on my waist, moving with me. It was so easy to fall into the tune, into the moment, my inhibitions were long gone, and despite the occasion, I was having fun. The hands on my waist moved down to my bum. I didn't like that. I grabbed his hand, spinning myself around, setting a clear boundary. Don't touch me there. His hands were back on my waist in a second, but our bodies were closer together, wrapped up like a knot.
"You're so hot," He shouted in my ear. Hot? I asked myself. I didn't want to be hot. Sirius had called me beautiful. Shut up! I silenced the thoughts of Sirius Black. Tonight I was going to have fun. I looked up at Jamie with a smile.
"Thanks, you're not so bad yourself." Good, flirt, you can do this. His hands tightened around my waist even more, clutching my body to his chest. It was very close. It was too close. I shimmied away a little, using the music as an excuse to put some distance between us, but he pulled me back. His lips were on my neck suddenly and I moved my head away from him, but he kept me pulled into his chest. I didn't want it. "Hey," I called into his ear and placed my hands on his shoulder to push him away but he didn't budge.
"Don't be a tease," he yelled back. My stomach turned, and the once heady drunkenness turned into sobriety in a second. His lips continued their unwanted assault on my neck as his hands found their way under my shirt. I tried to push them away but his grip was unyielding. I looked around the crowd in a panic, desperately searching for help.
I caught the blue stormy eyes from across the room. I wanted to search for someone else, for anyone else, but the hands were pawing at my butt as his thigh pressed itself painfully into me. I could feel him through my skirt, and I knew exactly where this was headed. Help I mouthed.
Someone moved into my line of vision, and I lost the eyes. I was alone in this. His lips were on my jaw and a hand was grabbing my chin, forcing my mouth to his. The kiss was awful, painful, with too much tongue. I pushed at his chest again to no avail. I tried to pull my head back but his grip was tight on my neck, and I couldn't get away.
"What's the problem?" He yelled as he pulled away from my mouth.
"I'm not interested," I shouted, pushing against his chest again in a panic.
"Come on, I'm no Sirius Black, but I can give you what you want." The mouth was on mine again, sloppy and hard. I bit his lip and felt the sharp copper taste of blood on my tongue. He jerked his face away. "Bitch."
"Get off me," I yelled as I pushed him harder.
"Get the fuck off of her Jeffries," Came the loud growl of Sirius.
"Piss off Black, it's my turn with your little toy." I felt Sirius grab at his shoulder and rip him away from me. I fell into the hard chest of Remus who was standing behind me, ready to catch me as I fell. I heard the sound of the punch before I could see it. The music cut off.
"Party's over!" James called from over by the portrait hole. "Piss off all of you."
The loud groans of disappointment drowned out the shouting of Sirius and Jamie as they yelled at one another. Two sixth-year Gryffindors were holding Sirius by the shoulders, stopping him from hitting Jamie again. The two Ravenclaw boys from earlier were surrounding their friend too, though no one was holding him back. He landed a punch to Sirius' face before Sirius was able to break free from his barriers. Then all hell broke loose. The party-goers scrambled away from the fight, giving the boys room.
"Is that what you're into Jeffries?" Sirius shouted for everyone to hear. "Forcing yourself onto women?" He swung again and landed a punch to the other boy's chest knocking the wind out of him. The sixth-year boys were back, restraining Sirius in a second. He let them as he yelled at Jamie, his nose bleeding. "Stay down you fucking wanker."
Remus stepped away from me and into the middle of the fight. "That's enough!" he shouted. Robert and Sam were picking up Jamie from the ground in a second and pulling him away from the fight while everyone watched. "Everybody out!" Remus's voice boomed and the scurry toward the door and upstairs to the dormitories began. In all the commotion, Remus turned toward me and ushered me over to the window seat.
He sat me down on the cushion and started to fuss over me. I realized my lip was bleeding. When had he bitten it?
"Piece of shit," Remus muttered under his breath as he used his shirt sleeve to dab at my lip. "Where else did he hurt you?"
"I'm fine," I pulled my head away from him and turned to look back on the dance floor where Sirius, James, and Lily were standing. Sirius had his head tilted back and was pinching the bridge of his nose. Jamie threw a good punch, that was for sure.
"You're bleeding, Gin."
"It's nothing, is Sirius okay?" I asked him. We both turned to look at the small group as Sirius brushed past James and Lily and headed toward the boy's dormitory.
"Are you alright Ginny?" Dorcas's panicked voice broke my gaze.
"Yeah, I'm fine, just a little shaken up is all."
"I'm so sorry, Ginny, if I had known-" Marlene had tears streaming down her face.
"It's not your fault."
"But I introduced him. I never would have-"
"Stop!" I cut her off and reached for her hand. "It's not your fault. It's his fault. He's to blame, not you." She nodded slowly, sniffling as she did it. I looked at the little group around me. Remus kneeling in front of me, trying to clean the blood off my chin, Marlene and Dorcas to my left clutching my hands, and James and Lily making their way over. It was nice to be surrounded by my new friends. Even if I had made a mess of things. I looked to James as he joined us. "Is he alright?"
"I think his nose is broken," he shrugged. "How are you?"
"Fine," I replied and turned my gaze back toward the staircase. "I'm going to talk to him." I stood quickly, giving Marlene's hand a tight squeeze as I stood.
The stairs seemed too short for the first time, I was at the door in seconds and had no time to prepare. What do I say? I asked myself. Thanks for pulling that creep off of me? Sorry, I ruined your birthday party? Hey, I have feelings for you and a crippling fear of ruining the fabric of time by snogging you?
Nothing seemed like the right thing to say. I pushed the door open slowly, expecting to see him sitting on his bed, but no one was there. I heard the sound of water running in the bathroom and made my way toward the shut door. The panic had set in, my stomach was in knots, and my hand shook as I gently knocked on the door.
"I'm fine, Prongs!" An exasperated shout came from behind the door.
"It's Ginny." I said quickly. The water shut off and a few seconds of total silence took over the room. I could practically hear the blood dripping from his nose on my side of the door. Shifting nervously from foot to foot I steeled myself. "I'm coming in." I pushed the door open slowly to find him staring at me. His shirt collar was bloody, and his perfectly straight nose wasn't so straight anymore. Even with the bloody nose, the sweaty hair matted to his forehead, and the shocked look on his face, I couldn't help but be overwhelmed by how handsome he was. "Hi."
"Hi" He echoed. In the silence that followed, I felt him studying me. It made me feel so small to be under his scrutiny like that. I took a step forward into the bathroom and shut the door behind me.
"Let me help you," I murmured. I took a white towel from the hook by the door and walked over to the sink he stood in front of. I dampened the towel from the tap and turned to face the boy behind me. "Hold still." He leaned forward to give me better access to the bleeding. It flowed steadily from both nostrils – it reminded me of the nose bleed nougats Fred and George created in the way that it flowed so heavily. What I wouldn't give to have the second half of one now. "He got you good."
"I got him better," He smirked.
"You did." I laughed awkwardly. The angle was hard with our height difference and I struggled to staunch the bleeding from my spot. The counter behind me was the perfect height and I pulled myself up onto it, beckoning Sirius to come closer from the new angle. His hands found their way to my knees and silently asked me to part them. I obliged, knowing it was probably a bad idea. He settled himself in between them and the warmth it brought was nice. "I think it's broken," I said after a long while.
"Feels like it."
"Do you trust me?" I asked him as I pulled out my wand. His blue eyes met with mine and I felt a swirl of emotions come up. He wanted me. He needed me. I wanted him. But I refused to let myself give in. He nodded. "Episkey." The nose jerked back into place and Sirius' hands flew up to it in a second.
"Fuck!" He cursed at the pain.
"Sorry!"
"Merlin's beard, give a man a warning next time." He groaned as he looked at his healed nose in the mirror. It was perfectly straight, just like before. I'd spent so much time in the last year healing broken bones that I could do it with my eyes closed – I could even do it drunk.
"How's it look?"
"You're pretty good," He admired himself. I reached back toward his face with the towel and began to clean him up again. The task was a welcome one, as it gave me an excuse to avoid his eyes.
"I came up to thank you," I started in a small voice. Our relationship was so rocky, so unclear, so broken – I didn't really know how best to proceed.
"Don't-"
"If you hadn't come over then-"
"Ginny please," He stopped me. His fingers found their way to my chin and lifted my gaze to his. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." I shrunk away, busying myself with his nose again.
"Don't lie to me." It wasn't a request. It was an order and I felt the floodgates open with his words. I started to silently cry.
"I was scared," I whispered. "He just wouldn't- he just- I was-"
"Shhh," He replied as he pulled me into his chest. I let my head rest on his shoulder as I cried. His arms wrapped around me, sheltering me from the world. I felt so safe here, so warm, so stupid. So incredibly stupid. "You didn't do anything wrong." His words stopped my thoughts from spiraling. You didn't do anything wrong. I echoed. He was right. I breathed him in deeply, letting his intoxicating scent fill my nostrils. The fresh dewy scent of a new morning, Fleetwood's High Finish Broom polish, and the fiery sweet smell filled my nose. It calmed me. If I stayed any longer it would have made me lose my head. I pulled away from him, leaning away from his electrifying scent.
"Sorry," I laughed awkwardly as I pulled away. "I didn't mean to ruin your party."
"You didn't ruin my party," He sighed.
"It ended because of me."
"No, it ended because I started a fight with an idiot. He deserved it." He reached for the long-forgotten towel in my hands, refolding it to a clean edge and wetting it from the tap behind me. He began to dab at my lip and chin where the blood was drying. "Did he do that?"
"I think so."
"Bloody bastard," he muttered under his breath.
"I bit him first," I shrugged with a small smile. Sirius let out a low whistle.
"That's my girl." His words sent a fire through me. His girl. I wanted it. I craved it. But I couldn't have it.
"Don't say that."
"I'll say what I want. It's my birthday party." I looked into his eyes. A storm was brewing behind his long black lashes and I found myself pulled out to the sea as they beckoned me closer. My lip was tingling, but not from the cut.
"Happy Birthday, Sirius," I whispered as I closed the distance between us and kissed him. It was far better than I remembered, far softer than the kisses from earlier, and he rested his hands gently on my knees as if to say 'you can set the pace'. A slow molten feeling spread from my core and made it's way painstakingly through my body. I deepened the kiss, bringing my hand to his waist and pulling him closer, craving his heat against mine. I heard a low groan from the back of his throat, and his fingers twitched but he kept them at my knees, waiting for permission to touch me further. I brought my hand over to his and guided it to my waist, granting him access to me. When I let his hand go he pulled me into him, gripping my waist and deepening the kiss. I used my tongue to ask for entrance into his mouth and he enthusiastically obliged. The hand at my knee tapped patiently, asking where I wanted it to move. I guided it to the back of my neck and smiled against his lips as his fingers tugged gently on the hair at the base of my scalp. I pulled him closer to me, settling him comfortably between my thighs as I snogged him senseless. It was him who broke away first, pressing our foreheads together as he drew in several ragged breaths.
"Ginny," He whispered with his eyes lightly closed. I watched a battle rage on his face, trying to decide whether we should stop or continue. "What are we doing?"
"I don't know."
"Do you want this?" He begged me. "Do you want me?"
"I want-" I didn't know what I wanted.
"You can have it, you just have to tell me what you want. Tell me what you want and I'm yours, but I can't do this." He shook his head, still pressed against mine and I felt his back tense. "You're killing me, Red."
I pulled away from him, shifting my weight back against the counter and away from his heat –his scent. He stood too, realizing what I meant. He stepped away and leaned back against the wall behind him as he waited for me to say something.
"I'm sorry, Sirius," I murmured as I stood up. The cool stone under my feet brought me a sense of clarity as I moved toward the door. "Thank you, for tonight."
"Gemma Davis dumped me," he called as I reached for the door handle. I turned to look at him sheepishly leaning against the wall. "She said she didn't want to be someone's second choice."
"Sirius-"
"Don't make me wait forever," He shrugged.
"Happy Birthday." I turned and walked out of the doorway, leaving him behind me. Don't make me wait forever. His words echoed in the cavern that was my head. He would get over me, move on, he would find someone new – but was that what I wanted?
I wasn't so sure.