November 6, 1977
The Hogwarts Library could be equally divided into 10 modest sections.
1. Potions
2. Transfiguration
3. Charms
4. History
5. Herbology
6. Divination
7. Magical Creatures
8. Practical Uses of Magic
9. Miscellaneous
10. The Restricted Section
I'd successfully combed through the first four sections, crossing them off the list of possible locations for the book. It took me six weeks of methodically checking every single book to ensure that it wasn't the one in question. Though, the possibility that I'd overlooked it was real. I wasn't even sure what I was looking for, to be honest, but it had become my refuge. Go to class, go to the library, stay there until just before curfew, go to the common room, go to bed, repeat. For weeks I'd been on this routine. It was safe, it was constant, it was like a clock ticking…always the same. I stared toward section number five. A quarter of the way through and no luck. No luck anywhere. Time was moving faster than I wanted it to, just five minutes ago it was Wednesday, and an hour before that I was kissing Sirius Black in the bathroom, and-
"Will you stop tapping?" the hissing broke me out of my head and my eyes focused on the boy in front of me. My hand, that had been methodically tapping the table with every tick of the clock stilled.
"Sorry." Severus rolled his eyes and set his quill down on the table. We'd been meeting here every Sunday, just like I said we would. It wasn't pleasant to work with him, but it was a part of my routine, and I welcomed the break no matter how cruel he could be. He fixed me with a glare that I'd become accustomed to.
"You haven't stopped since you sat down."
"I'm just thinking," I shrugged as I looked back toward the Herbology section. If I timed everything right I could get through at least a bookcase and a half before curfew tonight.
"Thinking about Herbology?" He raised an eyebrow as he followed my gaze.
"What do you know about dark magic?" I asked him quickly. His glare intensified.
"Enough," he said tightly.
"What about dark artifacts?"
"Why do you want to know about dark magic?"
"Curiosity," I replied quickly. He waited for more, prompting me to continue with a slight cock of his head. I wasn't sure how to proceed. The question had even caught me off guard. Severus and I were sharing a rocky acquaintance-ship, but even calling it that was generous. Some days he insulted me, some we were cordial, some days I stormed off in a rage, but today was a good one. I tread cautiously as I spoke. "If I was looking for something that was a relic, or a product, of dark magic. Where would I start?"
"Probably not the Hogwarts Library."
"Yes, but it's in-" I raised my voice in annoyance.
"Shhhh!" came the loud shushing of Madam Pince from her desk.
"It's in the Hogwarts Library," I whispered. He studied me from across the table. His black eyes watched me as I squirmed under their gaze, searching for the truth.
"How do you know?"
"I just know." He rolled his eyes in exasperation at my response. If I was being honest, I agreed with him. My search was ridiculous. It was useless. It was a way to avoid living in reality. But it was the only thing keeping me from screaming these days. If I wasn't looking for the book, then what the hell was I doing here. I looked over at Severus who was glaring at me again.
"All the books on dark magic are in the restricted section if they're there at all."
"What does that mean?"
"Sometimes, they don't want to be found and so they can't be." My mind was reeling. Books with a mind of their own?
"So how do I find them?"
"You don't." He leaned back in his chair, crossed his arms, and stared down his long crooked nose at me. I let out an irritated huff as I mirrored his posture.
"Let's say I do. What would I look for?"
"Dark magic always leaves a trace, a feeling, a mark," He whispered slowly.
"A mark?" I whispered. My left hand tingled and I pulled it up onto the table, laying it palm side up in plain view. "Like this one?"
Severus let out an almost imperceptible gasp as he reached for my hand and pulled it closer. He traced the lines on my palm that were laced with black that would never fade. Traces of ink that had run through my veins once upon a time, and now lined the lifeline on my palm. It had been like that since my first year since Harry had saved me since I'd woken up in the hospital wing all those years ago. I'd thought of it as my penance for what I'd done. Tom had marked me in so many ways, most of them invisible, but this was his way of saying 'I will always have a hold on you'.
"Where did you get this?"
"A dark wizard," I whispered as I let him study the lines.
"When?"
"Six years ago."
"This is the kind of mark that it leaves behind," He looked up at me quizzically, sizing me up as he kept a tight grip on my wrist. "What happened?"
That's when I saw him out of the corner of my eye. Remus was standing just out of direct view, hiding behind a bookcase, staring at us with wide eyes. When I caught his gaze with my own, he shook his head in disappointment and turned to flee. I jerked my hand out of Snape's grasp and stood.
"Remus, wait!" I started to run after him. "I'll see you in class." I threw over my shoulder as I ran toward the other boy. He had a head start on me, and much longer legs, so catching up with him wasn't easy. He'd made it all the way out of the library and halfway down the corridor before I finally caught him. "Remus!" He turned abruptly to glare at me.
"What game are you playing?" he asked.
"What?"
"What game are you playing?" he repeated.
"Remus I don't-"
"Oh cut the shit, Ginny," he spat at me, making me feel about a foot tall. "Snape? Fucking Snape?"
"Nothing is going on between me and-"
"Bull shit, you were just holding hands and making googly eyes at each other. I saw it."
"That's not what was happening."
"I don't understand you. Is that why you told Sirius you didn't want anything to do with him?"
"No," I groaned.
"I've been defending you, you know? And you're just making me look like a fool."
"Severus and I-"
"Severus?" he threw his hands up in exasperation at my choice in names.
"That's his name," I yelled at him. My blood was boiling, and I felt my face start to turn red as I spoke. "We were having a conversation."
"So you had to hold his hand?"
"Sirius doesn't own me you know? We're not dating, we're not even friends."
"And why is that?" He asked.
"I don't know," I screamed in his face. We were both silent for a few moments, glaring at each other. Remus was always the calm one, slow to react and cool, but not today. I shrank under his gaze, the fight leaving me just as soon as it had come. I didn't want to yell at Remus. "I know I hurt him."
"Good," he continued to glare at me and I couldn't even blame him.
"We were talking about this," I flashed my palm in front of Remus' face and for the first time since I'd seen him, he stopped glaring at me. His gaze turned to my hand and he studied it carefully. He brought it up to his face, moving it back and forth under the light to get a better look.
"What is this?"
"It's the trace left by very dark magic," I replied. "I wasn't holding his hand. Nothing is going on with me and Snape."
"Ginny, what happened?" I pulled my hand out of his grasp and shrugged my sleeve back over it.
"I can't tell you," I leaned back against the wall behind me.
"You can't tell, you don't know, what the hell can you do?"
"It's not that simple-"
"Of course it isn't," He threw his hands up in exasperation as he let out a mirthless laugh at the absurdity of it all.
"Remus, please," I begged him. It occurred to me that Remus was someone I could trust. There were so many things that I should never say, but why couldn't I say this? What was stopping me? Someone could know – Remus could know. I pushed away from the wall. "Not here." I reached for his hand and pulled him down the corridor toward the nearest empty classroom. I couldn't risk anyone overhearing us, and I couldn't bear the weight of lying to Remus again. He followed me cautiously, still angry with what he'd seen but curious all the same. It was only a short walk to the nearest classroom, and as we entered I turned to place a silencing charm on the door. "That should do."
"Ginny, what the hell?" Remus was leaning against the wall behind me, waiting irritably for his answer.
"I'm going to tell you a secret. One you can never repeat – no matter what."
"Alright," He shrugged.
"It's not a game, Remus, it's life or death. Swear you'll never repeat it. SWEAR!"
"I swear, merlin Ginny, what are you playing at?"
I wrung my hands nervously, unsure of what to do next. Shut up. The voice in my head screamed. It was a mistake, walk away.
Tell him! Another voice shouted. He can know this. He can be trusted.
No, he can't.
Yes, he can.
Don't do it.
Do it.
"The mark is a remnant, a reminder of what I've done. What he did." I started slowly. As I spoke the warring voices quieted. For a second I felt so alone. "When I was 11 – Remus please promise me you won't look at me differently. That you won't treat me differently. Promise."
He looked at me in confusion, not really realizing what I'd asked but nodding along to say he did. "It won't change my opinion of you."
I let out a mirthless laugh as I ran my fingers through my hair. "You say that now-"
"Ginny," I looked up at him to find all the sincerity in the world in his brown eyes. "I'm fully aware of how a secret can ruin someone's life, I would never betray your trust. What happened?"
"When I was 11 I was possessed by a man named Tom Riddle, you know him as Voldemort," I began. Remus sucked in a deep breath through his teeth and stared at me in abject horror. He didn't move to interrupt. "It's hard to explain, but he gained my trust through a diary – I had no idea what it was – I was lonely, a child, he was kind. He convinced me we were friends, and then he used my body to do unspeakable things. It was lucky no one died. He tortured me for that – for failing to kill people. He broke me, body and soul, and then when I was pliable and broken he tried to kill me. When I woke up the voice that was in my head was gone, but he'd left his mark here – and everywhere else."
He let out a long breath as he processed everything I'd just told him. I watched as the wheels in his head turned, coming up with his response. I waited anxiously for a response.
"Remus-" He held up a hand to silence me.
"Ginny, I'm so sorry." He looked at me in disbelief.
"I don't need your pity, Remus. I need your help."
"My help?"
"Dumbledore is looking for something," I cut him off. "A book resides here at Hogwarts that whispers with dark magic and holds the secret to defeating the Dark Lord. I was asking Snape for help. He told me that Dark magic always leaves a mark, so I showed him mine."
"Ginny, Snape cannot be trusted."
"I didn't tell him anything – I just showed him what he needed to see. He gave me what I need to keep looking for the book. We have to defeat him, Remus. We have to fight."
Remus heaved a great sigh from his spot against the wall and brought his hands up to rub at his scarred face. For a second I saw the professor in front of me. The man he would become appeared, and it hurt to ask this of him. It pained me to ask him to join this fight. I wanted to keep him innocent, I wanted to keep him away from this, but it was far too late for that. Maybe he'd been enlisted in this war many years ago too with the bite from Greyback. Or maybe he was being enlisted today. Either way, he was going to fight. "I'll help you look for the book."
The breath I'd been holding finally released and I pulled Remus into a tight hug. "Thank you, Remus, thank you." He wrapped his arms around me too and we held onto each other for a long time, pouring the things we couldn't say into the embrace.
"Your secrets safe with me, Gin," He whispered into my hair. From his vantage point of nearly a foot overhead, he leaned down to place a brotherly kiss on the top of my head. As he did it, the door across from where we stood burst open and a short girl with reddish-blonde hair stumbled into the room giggling.
"Oops!" She laughed when she saw us. "Sorry, didn't realize this one was in use." She turned to leave and as she moved from the doorway we saw him. Sirius was standing behind her, gazing at us in shock and betrayal.
Remus let go of me in an instant and we jumped away from each other. There was a brief moment of silence as the girl realized what she'd walked in on. "Padfoot, it's not what it looks like." Remus started. He walked toward Sirius with his hands up in surrender, but Sirius took a step out of the doorway.
"Happy for you, Moony. Really am." He said with a stone-cold expression in his eyes.
"Come on, Sirius," the girl reached for his hand and put on a pouty expression. "Let's go find our own classroom."
"Cheers." Sirius took her hand and fixed me with a look of hurt and confusion that left me cold as he turned to leave us behind him.
"Shit," I whispered under my breath in the silence that followed.
November 12, 1977
"And that's Cole with the quaffle now, she passes to Potter on the right, he feigns left, and TEN POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR!" The eruption of cheers from a sea of red and gold was drowned out by the boos from the green as I circled my way back down the pitch. The familiar rush of adrenaline that accompanied game day kept my head cool and my body ready, as we set up to take possession back. "That's 190 to 50, GRYFFINDOR!"
"Goblin's glory!" James shouted as he soared past me and I set up for the play. I joined Evan Parks on my left, and we both leaned forward to race down toward the other end of the pitch. James caught up when we'd made it about halfway, and we surged shoulder to shoulder, toward the Slytherin Chasers. We positioned ourselves underneath Flint and with a nod, James shouted: "Now!"
Evan broke apart, soaring left, as James made his move right. Following the cue, I made my move upward. Catching Flint by surprise, I reached toward the quaffle he'd tucked under his arm and knocked it away from him.
"I'll take that," I yelled as it fell from his grasp and I surged down to catch it.
"Fucking bitch!" I caught his shout as I started toward the hoops at the other end of the pitch.
"And Cole steals the quaffle from Flint, hard to believe this is her first Quidditch game folks, she's a natural!" The announcer shouted and I had to refrain from rolling my eyes as I rocketed down the pitch feeling three green-clad chasers at my tail. I heard the whipping of the bludger coming from my right, and shot downward into a dive, feeling the bludger soar just above my head before angling back towards the three rings before me. A cacophony of gasps and shouts could be heard from the crowd as I continued my journey, unaffected by the bludger that had nearly knocked me off my broom.
The Keeper waited at his post with fierce determination in his eyes, and I couldn't help but squint in joy at the upset I was determined to cause him. I soared toward the middle hoop and reared my arm upward aiming for the hoop on the left, and watched in awe as the Keeper took the bait. He dove for the left hoop and just before the quaffle could leave my grip I changed direction and sent it soaring home into the hoop on the right.
"AND THAT'S ANOTHER 10 POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR!" The crowd of red and gold shouted their praise as I linked back up with James and Evan.
"Tell Owens to catch that bloody snitch," Evan wheezed as we hurtled after Mulciber who now had possession of the quaffle.
"Not until we score one more!" I shouted back. "What's the move Captain?"
James soared past us, hurtling after Avery who'd gotten possession of the quaffle after my goal. "Exploding boils!" he shouted and a wicked grin spread across my face as I soared toward my target. Within seconds we'd all found our man: James was on Avery, and Evan on Mulciber, both of them doing everything in their power to distract the Slytherin opposite them. Distractions equal mistakes. Mistakes equal goals.
"Lovely afternoon, Flint," I called to the Slytherin sixth year as I found his side.
"Fucking cunt," he spat through his teeth.
"Kiss your mummy with that mouth?" When I reached his side I hit him hard with my shoulder, grinning when he lost his balance for a moment.
"And that's Avery with the quaffle who passes to Mulciber, oooo folks, looks like he almost missed that one, and back to Avery-" The announcer called.
"Piss off," Flint grunted as the passing continued from his teammates. I saw him watching it like a hawk, waiting for the pass to come his way as we both knew it would. Here was where I would make my move. The quaffle moved back and forth between Avery and Mucliber, both of whom grew more and more visibly irritated from the taunting of the Gryffindor at his side. Flint gripped the end of his broom handle and flew toward them with me at his side.
"Oh is that what you're into, Flint?" I asked innocently. "Not really my cup of tea, but I heard Avery might be into that kind of thing. Saw him drinking a lot of water this morning – nice and primed for your evening."
As Flint reacted to my taunting the quaffle soared toward him and I took advantage of his distraction by surging forward to catch the ball as it completed its arc toward us. With the quaffle safely tucked under my arm I rocketed toward the goalposts on the other end of the pitch.
"Enjoy your evening, Flint!" I shouted over my shoulder as I shot through the air.
"And that's Cole with the quaffle once again, folks. She's surging down the pitch, Flint and Avery hot on her tail, but not quite fast enough. And what's this? Owens and Black are neck and neck with the snitch in sight."
The commentary pricked my ears and only urged me to move faster down the pitch to score the point needed to ensure victory no matter what. I tucked my head in lower and tightened my hold on the broom beneath me as I pushed its speed to the limit. I heard the shouting of the Slytherins behind me as they screamed plays and orders at each other that had no chance of working against my sheer skill and determination. Their keeper, Davis, was waiting for me at the end of the pitch looking fierce as our gazes met. He looked like a dancer in the air, bobbing back and forth as he waited for me to make a move. I changed my trajectory just as fast as I'd set it, surging toward the left goal post, and found that he was ready to follow me after a brief delay. Taking note of the pause, I reset my course for the center and continued my journey down the pitch.
"It's Black in the lead, no wait, Owens, no shit, Black, sorry professor!"
There wasn't much time. I set my trajectory for the right hoop and, when I was within a few dozen meters of it, I changed course fast. The only fast thing about Davis was his hands, and so it was no surprise when my move toward the far right goal went unchallenged. The quaffle soared through the wide-open hoop and a chorus of cheers erupted around me.
"That's 10 points to Gryffindor – Black caught it! Holy shit! Slytherin catches the snitch, but GRYFFINDOR WINS!" I turned to find Regulus Black clutching the snitch above his head and met James' gaze with a wild smile of my own. We'd won we'd-
It struck me square in the chest and sent me hurtling off my broom and toward the ground beneath me. I was seized with pain and unable to draw in a breath as the green of the pitch surged toward me. I reached upward toward my broom but found that it was nowhere near, a flash of red too far above had my attention as the feeling of falling overcame me. There were screams all around, were they my own? No, I couldn't scream – I couldn't even breathe. I reached upward again for something to grab onto and found only empty air.
Then it all went dark.
The sun was almost completely set by the time I came to. Through heavy eyelids, I could make out the last glimpses of an orange sky as it faded into navy blue. The scratchy too hard bed beneath me was the same one I'd woken up in months ago, and I felt only a fraction better today than I did in September. There was a twinge of pain on my right side every time I breathed, and a sharp pounding in my head that was slowly receding though nowhere near gone. It felt like I'd been hit by a train – or something like it.
I tried to turn my head slowly, testing movement to see if it would be okay, and found that I wasn't able to. I tried my toes next and found that they too were not in my command, and I started to panic. Like I'd been doused in freezing water, my eyes shot open in fear as I searched with my peripherals for someone – for anyone. Soft brown eyes found me and a picture of Remus came into my vision.
"Ginny it's okay!" He soothed and reached for my hand. "You're okay, Pomfrey had to immobilize you while the bones reset. Don't try to move, okay?"
I could only blink in response, my jaw wouldn't open or close and I couldn't nod.
"Do you remember what happened?"
I fixed him with a glare that served to say 'Remus, why are you asking me questions as if I can respond to them?'
He chuckled. "Sorry, umm one blink for yes, two for no." I blinked twice. "Right, umm do you want me to beat around the bush?" Two more blinks and he flashed me a smirk. "Like a band-aid then." I raised an eyebrow at him and he rolled his eyes. "Muggle thing. You got smacked with a bludger that knocked you off your broom after the match ended. Lucky someone thought to cast a cushioning charm and was able to slow your fall a bit. Pomfrey can tell you what all she had to heal, but it was a lot. She only just let me in an hour ago but the match ended this morning. It's nearly 6 now."
I searched the room around me with my eyes, half expecting to find the Gryffindor quidditch team nearby. When I didn't find them I raised a questioning eyebrow at my companion.
"Everyone's in detention with McGonagall." At my knitted brow of confusion, he let out a sigh. "After you fell, the quidditch teams sort of – well there was a fight. Crouch hit that bludger after Regulus caught the snitch, it was a dirty play and everyone was livid. Prongs punched Crouch, Mulciber punched James, and then it sort of turned into a frenzy from there." I gasped at the news and winced in pain at the sharp stab I felt on my right side. Remus reached for my hand and gave it a gentle pat. "Ginny, do you want Pomfrey to put you back to sleep? I can have her-"
I blinked twice quickly, and then two more times for good measure. He wasn't finished telling me what happened.
"Sorry. They had to separate the teams, Crouch has a ban for the rest of the year. Sirius argued with Dumbledore for an hour that he should be expelled-"
I let out a soft groan when I heard the name of the boy who'd hardly looked at me in a week, and Remus gave me a knowing nod.
"He's in detention too, McGonagall walked in on the argument." I gave a blink of understanding, knowing the woman would never stand for someone insulting the headmaster. "But he's been here all day, the whole team has, waiting for you to wake up. Pomfrey had to go down to the Slytherin Common room to heal their players because she didn't want another brawl in the hospital wing." I let out something that resembled a chuckle and winced again at the pain.
"She said you should be healed soon, probably able to come back to the dormitory tomorrow." I gave a small smile in thanks. Remus' eyes looked tired and bloodshot, and it looked like he'd been rubbing them from how red they were. It was excruciating not being able to reach out and touch him – not able to comfort him in some way – but I gave him the most reassuring look I could muster and he returned it with a sad smile. "I was worried about you," I grunted in response. "Yeah, yeah, you're all big and strong." He rolled his eyes.
"Is she awake?" The matron's voice rang through the otherwise quiet hospital wing and I heard her footsteps approaching.
"Yeah."
"How are you feeling Ms. Cole?" I rolled my eyes at Remus and he chuckled in response.
"She keeps wincing, something hurts."
The face of Madam Pomfrey joined Remus' above me as she searched my eyes for pain. "Not surprising, you fell off a broom."
"I told her."
"Is it your legs?" I blinked twice.
"Twice is no," Remus supplied.
"Ribs?" I blinked once. "They're not quite setting, then. I'm going to put you back to sleep while I reset them" At my glare, she fixed me with a look that said 'don't try me. "I can't give you any more pain relief potion until midnight. If you're awake it'll be agony, but it's up to you. Sleep?" I mulled over the option for a second. While I wasn't in any mood to go back to sleep after the day I'd had, the idea of being in pain and unable to move was about as appealing as kissing Hagrid. I blinked once. "That's what I thought."
"I'll stay here until you're awake again," Remus offered and I smiled gratefully at the offer.
"Any final words, Ms. Cole?" I glared up at the woman who smiled smugly at her joke. "Somnumuous." And for the second time today, everything went black.
There was a warm pressure of a hand holding mine as I regained consciousness for the second time today – or was it tomorrow? The orangey haze of the setting sun was gone, replaced by darkness and complete stillness around me. I took stock of my body and found that the throbbing in my head was completely gone, and the sharp pinching near my middle every time I breathed wasn't there anymore. When a warm hand reached up to brush a stray curl out of my face I found that I was able to move again. I leaned into the hand and caught a whiff of something sweet and smoky. Sirius.
I didn't move more than just to lean sleepily into the touch and kept my eyes shuttered for fear that opening them would drive him away. It was with a bitter pang that I realized just how much I'd been craving his touch in the weeks since his birthday party. The fingers that had tucked the curl behind my ear were stroking my cheek almost reverently and with a feather-light touch. If I hadn't nearly fallen to my death today I would have craved something harder – something that felt more like Sirius.
If I were braver I would have opened my eyes and said what I was thinking. If I were braver I would have stared into the stormy blue-gray above me and begged for him. If I were braver I would have kissed him. But I didn't. I let him stroke my cheek and breathed in the little bits of him I could to savor for later. There was a rustling beside me and before I could guess what was happening, his breath was ghosting across my forehead and the warm pressure of his lips there sent goosebumps racing across my flesh and a burning fire through my belly. Just as soon as they were there, his lips were gone, but his fingers remained.
"She was awake for a little while around dinner," Remus's nearly inaudible whisper broke through the stillness of the hospital wing. The hand that was stroking my cheek disappeared with a sharp smack against Sirius's thigh.
"Didn't mean to wake you," Sirius replied in a monotone droll.
"It's fine," the other boy replied quickly. "Pomfrey healed her ribs again, said she'd probably be okay to leave tomorrow."
"Good." There was a long pause where I didn't hear anything around me at all except for the soft breathing of Sirius next to me. A part of me wanted to reach out for him, but another part – the nosier part – of me stayed still and silent.
"Sirius I-"
"I'm glad she's okay." There was a finality to his tone like he was done with the conversation, but Remus was having none of it.
"She was asking for you."
"No, she wasn't. Pomfrey immobilized her to reset her jaw, she couldn't speak."
"She was."
"Why would she ask for me?"
"Sirius I've told you a million times we're not-"
"It doesn't matter," Sirius' tone was gruff – proof that it really did matter – as he stepped away from my bedside. "Doesn't want me – she wants you."
"That's bull shite," Remus spat.
"I shouldn't have come."
"Yes you-"
"Don't tell her I was here."
"Worried she might know you actually care about her?" Remus sneered. Despite my shuttered eyelids, I could practically see the waves of rage cresting between the two boys at my side.
"Piss off, Lupin."
"I've pissed off for a week, I'm done pissing off, Black." Remus was closer now, practically in the same spot as Sirius as I listened to their whispered argument. "She's not just someone to snog."
"Don't you think-"
"She's not someone you can pull into a broom cupboard and sneak around with – she's not Gemma fucking Davis."
"I never said-"
"She's seen shit. Done shit. I think – I can't be sure – but she's not going to just fall all over you. You can't just expect her to be like them."
"When have I-"
"This whole brooding, lover scorned, horse shite is old. If you want her, stop snogging everything with reddish hair and two legs."
"She made it clear-"
"Her whole family just died, of course, she doesn't want to date you, you fucking twat. She doesn't want to date anyone!"
"You're a lot of things, Moony, but I never thought you were a hypocrite."
"Excuse me?"
"Who was in the broom cupboard, Lupin?"
"We weren't in a broom cupboard," Remus scoffed.
"May as well have been."
"And what were you doing there? Why was Sarah McKinney with you? Fuck off, mate."
"She said she didn't-"
"Didn't or Couldn't?"
"Fucking hell, Moony."
"There's a difference."
"Couldn't."
"Wanker," Remus spat the words through gritted teeth and the air seemed to still like one wrong word would send everything crashing down.
"I don't know why everyone is acting like it's the end of the world, we went on one bloody date."
"Just one date? That's all?" Remus' tone convinced me that he knew it was so much more than just one date. It was sneaking into the hospital wing to regale me with tales of pranking glory. It was confessions in the common room that helped to stitch the pieces of my heart together. It was lingering looks anytime I stumbled, a hand grazing across my arm when the room started to spin. It was kisses in Hogsmede, and quidditch games with friends, and it was him – right here – right now. It was more than a date. It was the promise I'd made to him years ago – that I would make one day – please don't make me go, Red. Whatever it meant. It was that. And it was more.
"Just a date." The words felt like stinging hexes to the heart and I fought the rage they brought with the pain.
"Get out," Remus ordered him in a threatening whisper.
"You're in charge then?"
"I don't want to look at you anymore."
"Well, the view isn't so great from here either." Sirius started to walk away as I felt the air shift.
"Don't come back here." There was a pause in the other boy's footsteps, almost unnoticeable had I not been straining to listen for them, but it was righted almost immediately as he stormed out of the room. And then he was gone. "You can stop pretending to be asleep now."
My eyes shot open as I took in the boy in the bed next to mine. He was sagging against the mattress looking tired and dejected as he ran a hand across his face. When the hand was gone I was met with bloodshot eyes and reddened cheeks.
"How much did you hear?"
"All of it," I croaked. I found that my jaw was sore, and because of that my words sounded slurred – like I'd had one too many butterbeers.
"Sorry."
"I'm not all sad and broken, you know?"
"I know."
"I don't need you to defend my honor."
"I know."
"He can snog whoever he wants, it doesn't bother me." Remus quirked an eyebrow in my direction and I shrugged in response, feeling a twinge in my collar bone as the shoulders moved for the first time in hours.
"Liar."
"Fine, it bothers me a little." Remus nodded tiredly, knowing it bothered me more than a little but taking my half confession for what it was.
"For what it's worth, I don't think you're sad and broken."
"No, Pomfrey fixed all the broken parts." Remus let out a low chuckle when I smirked up at him. "Why aren't you in your dormitory?"
"Promised someone I'd stay till they woke up," He shrugged.
"Pomfrey didn't mind?"
"Frequent flyer perks," he shrugged. "Stay so many nights, you get one free." At my knitted brow of confusion, he let out a soft chuckle. "Muggle thing."
"Right," I nodded and turned my gaze toward the doors half expecting them to open again and a familiar head of black hair and blue eyes to find me. "Do you think he hates me?"
"Nah," he grunted. "I think he's a stubborn arse."
"It's better this way," I turned my eyes back toward Remus to find him lying on his back, looking at me.
"Is it?" He fixed me with a knowing glance that sent waves of shame rolling through me before turning his gaze toward the ceiling and shaking his head. "You're fucking perfect for each other."
"What?"
"Two stubborn arseholes," he chuckled before settling himself against the mattress.
"Remus I-"
"I know, I know, this is for the best, or whatever lie you've convinced yourself is true," Remus waved his hand tiredly at me.
"It's not a lie."
"Sure it's not," Remus sighed. There was a long pause as I mulled over his words wondering just when Remus had started to be able to see through me. I somehow missed the day that he'd learned to read me like this. Was he just perceptive, or was I transparent? Probably both.
It was better this way, I think. And he did deserve to be someone else, I'm sure. And I was here on a mission and nothing more, probably. So why did Remus' words ring so true in my head? Just two stubborn arseholes. Fucking perfect for each other.
"Anyone ever tell you that you're really good at quidditch?"
I smiled, remembering the way Sirius had described it 'like a fucking artist with a broom.' I turned to find Remus staring at me quizzically. "Yeah," I replied. "once."