November 13, 1977
Madam Pomfrey was hands down the greatest healer of all time…at least that's what I thought to myself as I took my first steps out of the hospital wing barely 24 hours after falling off my broom and breaking both legs, my jaw, 5 ribs, my collarbone, and part of my spine. The steps were a little shaky, and I was definitely favoring my right leg, but for the most part, I felt strong and healthy. Physically. Mentally – well that was another story all together.
The conversation from last night kept playing on repeat in my head as the matron did her final checks and slipped me a few more potions. Just a date. Maybe he was telling the truth, maybe that's all it was. It wouldn't be the first time I'd built up a grand delusion in my head – see Harry Bloody Potter years 1-4 for reference – but this felt so real to me. Maybe in my haze of grief and fear, I'd read more into his gestures than I should have. But I wasn't crazy was I?
If it was just one date, then what about everything else. He'd snuck into the hospital wing every night while I was recovering. He'd made sure I was eating enough. The late-night talks in the common room, that night in Hogsmede, the quidditch match he'd arranged just for me – wasn't that more? How could that not be more?
As I limped through the doorway of the Great Hall, I could feel the cacophony of chatter quiet down. I felt hundreds of eyes look at me all at once and I summoned every ounce of Gryffindor courage I had at my disposal to not bolt away from their gazes. Instead, I raised a hand in greeting toward my fellow students. The chatter picked back up just as quickly as it had died and I was grateful to find that most of the stares were no longer on me.
I turned my attention toward the Slytherin table where the quidditch team sat closely together glaring at me with bruised eyes and swollen lips. Crouch was the worst of the lot, both eyes were black and yellow, and he winced every time he brought something up toward his mouth. When our eyes met he flashed me a wicked smirk as if the beating and the detention had done little to teach him a lesson. I returned it with a smirk of my own and a wink, before turning toward the Gryffindor table. As I joined my friends, a loud chorus of cheers rang out from the table, led by the Gryffindor quidditch captain himself. It was no surprise that James was sporting a black eye and split lip of his own. Down the bench, Evan Parks flashed me a wide grin but winced when it pulled at the scabbed over cut on his lips. I flashed both boys a confused eyebrow.
"Pomfrey didn't heal you lot?" I asked.
"She would only heal broken bones," James grinned. "She said healing the muggle way ought to teach us not to fight each other."
"Good," I scoffed and sat down in between Marlene and Mary.
"Oh Merlin, Ginny, I've been worried sick," Marlene cried as she wrapped her arms around my shoulders tightly.
"Why? She was with Pomfrey, obviously, she's fine," Mary snorted as she spooned more chicken soup into her mouth.
"You never know, Mary," Dorcas replied in a sing-song voice from across the table. She flashed me a bright smile when our eyes met. "You look like hell."
"Well I did just narrowly escape death," I rolled my eyes at her.
"Don't be so dramatic," Lily threatened from next to Dorcas. "You were hardly going to die. And if you were so close to death, Crouch wouldn't be sitting over there."
"I heard his father had to make a hefty donation to the school in exchange for Dumbledore not expelling him." Mary leaned in toward the four of us as she said it and flicked her eyes toward the Slytherin Quidditch team as they continued to glare at us. When Mary saw it her face broke into a wicked smile before she held up two fingers in their direction. The responding scowls made all of us laugh.
We fell into the usual banter as lunch continued with everyone filling me in on the details of yesterday that I'd missed. Apparently, James and Evan had to be pulled off of Crouch by two seventh-year Hufflepuff boys, and Mulciber was knocked out cold after one well aimed punch by our beater, fourth-year Annabelle Jones. As the chorus of laughter grew louder, I felt myself falling back into the joys of Hogwarts again. Despite the fact that I'd been keeping my distance as best I could to avoid Sirius, my friends weren't holding it against me. They welcomed me with open arms, and bright smiles. The guilt I felt for pushing them away pinched at the corners of my mind as I continued to laugh with the girls and James. It was good to laugh, good to be here, good to not be avoiding them.
As I felt myself settling into them further, there was a tap on my shoulder. I turned to find a boy standing behind me smiling kindly.
"You're Ginny right?" He grinned.
"Yeah, Ginny Cole, I'm sorry I don't know your name?" I questioned him. He looked vaguely familiar.
"Tommy Graves, we have Transfiguration together." The recognition washed over me as he said it. I'd been staring at the back of his curly brown head for weeks.
"Right, nice to meet you."
"I just wanted to say, wicked game yesterday," He smiled. "You're incredible."
"She's an artist with a broom," a familiar drawl from behind me caught my attention and I whipped around to find Sirius glaring at Tommy from the bench next to James. When had he sat down? He was sporting a dark bruise across his cheek that would have looked unattractive on anyone else, but on him it only made him look more rugged and handsome. Merlin, help me.
"Yeah," Tommy's smile faltered for a brief moment before his brown eyes flitted back to mine. "Like I was saying, it was a brilliant game. We'll have to tighten up if we're going to beat you in January."
"What position do you play?" I asked him.
"Keeper," he grinned. "I look forward to catching your attempts." It occurred to me that he wasn't talking about quidditch anymore as his brown eyes glinted in the light of the hall. A pink blush crept its way up my neck as I eyed him.
"I look forward to watching you fail," I replied, and the grin on Tommy's face widened even more. There was a rustling behind me, but I kept my gaze trained on the Hufflepuff in front of me instead of turning around. He was tall and lanky, about the same build as Ron, and his curly brown hair looked like he'd carefully tousled it before coming over. I wasn't interested, of that much I was certain, but the attention was nice and I couldn't help the flurry in my stomach at his wide grin and glinting eyes. There was more rustling behind us and Tommy's eyes flicked behind my head and narrowed. I turned to follow his gaze. There was a treacle tart, freshly cut and steaming waiting on my plate as Sirius lowered himself back down onto the bench, glaring at Tommy.
"You like treacle tart?" Tommy asked without breaking his stare off with Sirius.
"It's her favorite," Sirius replied with an unkind smile. "Unless there are fire fancies – or Curly Wurly bars." My eyes shot into my hairline at the addition.
"Merlin's fucking balls," Mary muttered loud enough for only me to hear.
"Right," Tommy replied before turning back to face me. "I'll see you in Transfiguration."
"Yeah, see you." He flashed me a wink before returning to the Hufflepuff table. I whipped around to find Sirius eating his lunch with a smug smirk on his face. The urge to wipe it off was so strong that I reached for the bread bowl in front of me and whipped the nearest role at him, aiming directly for the bruise on his cheek.
"Oi, what the fuck?" He shouted as it hit him right in the bruise.
"I thought it was just a date," I seethed. His eyes widened.
"What?"
"We went on one bloody date," I quoted him.
"You heard that?"
"Of course, I heard it, you idiot."
"Ginny why don't you-" James rose slowly, holding his hands out between us.
"Shut up," I spat. I could feel the eyes of our friends and half the Gryffindor table on my back, but I didn't dare turn my gaze away from the sheepish boy in front of me. "So which is it, Black? Just a date, or don't make me wait forever?"
"Oh, so you think-" Sirius' anger flared and he was on his feet too.
"You don't own me. I don't even know if you like me, or if I'm just a shiny new toy you fancied the first round with." I heard Marlene snort into her glass of pumpkin juice but made no move to check on her as she coughed and sputtered.
"Of course, I bloody like you. Why would I lie?" I felt like I'd been thrown from my broom once again as he said it.
"Just a date?" I questioned him, and he paused, glancing toward the aisle behind me. I followed his gaze and found Remus standing there eying our conversation with cautious curiosity. My eyes flicked back to Sirius who was at war with himself. His eyes moved back and forth between Remus and me.
"It doesn't matter now," he finally decided. His words felt like a sharp slap to the face and I felt myself flinch as they struck me. It didn't matter now. I'd lost him. It was what I wanted…wasn't it?
If it was what I'd been after this whole time then why did it feel like my heart was breaking? This was right, this was better for everyone, and yet it felt horribly wrong. It hurt.
"Fuck you," I muttered and turned away from him. I limped as fast as I could out of the great hall, fighting back the tears that threatened to fall as I moved away from him. The sharp slap of shoes behind me alerted me to the fact that I was being followed, but I didn't slow down. An arm looped itself through mine, while another found its way around my shoulders but I made no move to see who had joined me. Through the blur of tears, they guided me toward the Gryffindor tower – whispering curses against Sirius Black's name, promising that it would be okay, swearing he didn't deserve me. But that was just it – Sirius Black didn't deserve me. He didn't deserve the girl who had to lie to him, the girl who had to hide things, the girl who wasn't the broom cupboard type. He deserved the Gemma Davis' and Sarah McKinney's of the world. Not the Ginny Cole's. Not Ginny Weasley.
November 15, 1977
"So Hogsmede is in two weeks," Mary whispered from across our table in the library. "Lily is going with James, and Marlene is going with some Ravenclaw boy, so Dorcas and I made plans. You should join us."
I looked up from my transfiguration essay to find her staring at me intently. "I don't really-"
"Sorry, my mistake, I phrased that like a request. You're going to Hogsmede with Dorcas and me," She blew a stray curl out of her face and flashed me an eyebrow in warning.
"Mary," I groaned.
"Listen, Ginny, you're great, and I love you, but this whole broken-hearted thing is simply not a good look on you. It doesn't sit well with your complexion." She gestured toward me with her quill, and I couldn't fight the smile that crept across my face. "We'll do some Christmas shopping. Hit up Honeyduke's, I'll even convince Dorcas to give you 30 whole minutes in the Quidditch Supply shop, then we'll finish at the Three Broomsticks. I simply won't allow any more moping."
"Sounds like I don't have much of a choice."
"You don't," She grinned and turned back toward her Charms notes.
"I'm not moping."
"And I'm a house-elf," She rolled her eyes. "You're coming. End of discussion."
"Thanks, Mary," I said sheepishly. She returned my grateful smile with a wave of her hand. "Really. Thank you."
"Yes well, you can only watch someone be miserable for so long." She fixed me with a pointed look.
"What?"
"Do you want me to be nice or to be honest?"
"Both?"
"Impossible." I let out an exasperated sigh.
"Honest."
"While I agree, that Sirius is stupid and he deserves the anger – trust me – I can't help but think you're just as stupid."
"Harsh."
"Honest," she shrugged. "I mean, I've known him since we were 11 and he's always been an insufferable git."
"I don't think you're doing-"
"But when you showed up it stopped. Even Lily said he was almost tolerable." My eyebrows rose, knowing how much of a compliment that was.
"And you think that's because of me?"
"I think he decided you were worth changing for."
"He said it was just a date."
"He lied." She said it like I was an idiot.
"Why would he lie?"
"Because he doesn't care about anyone more than he cares about his silly little friends. Remus especially." She shrugged like this was common knowledge. "You know, you can be really daft when you want to be."
"That was mean," I laughed.
"Talk to Sirius."
"He doesn't want to talk to me."
"Talk to Sirius." Her lips were set in a firm line that left little room for argument.
"I'll think about it."
"It's been over a month. Put all of us out of our misery and just talk to each other. I'm begging you, Ginny. All of this will they won't they nonsense is giving me pimples." I snorted and she raised her eyebrow. "It really is, look at this." She leaned over the table and pointed to a blemish-free spot on her chin. I couldn't help the peel of laughter that it caused me as she brought her face as close to mine as the table would allow. "Think my pain is funny?"
"You've never had a pimple in your life!"
She started laughing too and pointed to another clear part of her skin, "you bitch! Look here!"
"Get your pimple-free skin away-"
"Ladies!" The vicious whispered shout of the librarian broke us out of our laughter as we turned to face her. "You may come back to the library when you're prepared to use it for its intended purpose. Out!"
Mary and I turned to face each other with wide eyes and tight lips that did little to stifle the laughter we were trying to hide. We scrambled to gather our things as quickly as possible and leave the room before we'd face any more of the old woman's wrath.
November 18, 1977
Hermione Granger was quite possibly the brightest witch of my age, she had single-handedly saved the lives of both my brother and my ex-boyfriend more times than either of them would have cared to admit, all the while maintaining her spot at the top of her class, and adopting an extensive prefect schedule. All of this to say, she was wicked smart and had spent more hours in the Hogwarts library than anyone I know – up until recently. In the past month, I think I had her beat as my library time was only interrupted by classes and quidditch practice. Madam Pince, despite my outburst from earlier in the week, had grown used to my presence and even offered me a smile in the evenings as she closed up for the night. I'd scoured through 8 out of the 10 sections in the library with absolutely nothing to show for it, and today I'd be starting on section number 9.
As was usual for a Friday, the Library was nearly empty with only a few seventh-year Ravenclaws near the back corner who'd started their NEWT revisions early to keep me company. I relished in the near silence of the room and turned my attention toward my target:
Section 9: Miscellaneous
This would be the largest section for me to tackle, spanning nearly 4 rows with books on either side. By my calculations, it would take at least 3 weeks, and then the challenge of gaining access to the restricted section would begin – merlin help me. I tucked my bag under my chair and started to make my way toward the first shelf. Using my wand, I sent the first dozen books over to my table and began the search.
Three books in and I'd found tips on removing grease stains from cotton, a new hex that would force the victim to sing love songs to their enemy, and a use for Sphinx whiskers – but no secrets to defeating the dark lord. Shocking. I heaved a sigh as I closed the third book and reached for the next.
"Sounds like riveting research," the deep baritone caught my attention, and my gaze turned toward the source. He leaned against the bookshelf across from me like he'd been studying me for a while, lazily watching as I'd flicked through the pages. His shirt buttons were open at the top, and his tie was loose around his neck, he looked like the boys my mother warned me about once upon a time. But that's not what made me ache for him – it was the eyes, a deep and stormy blue that swirled with something I couldn't name. The last time I'd seen that look in them I'd been sitting on the edge of a bathroom countertop. They flitted toward the empty seat across from me and back to mine. "Mind if I join you?"
I thought about saying no – I really did – but that awful part of me, the one that had been missing him, made me speak. "Sure." He pushed himself off the bookshelf and sat down across from me. Neither of us spoke for a moment, just staring at the other in cautious trepidation. And then we both spoke at once:
"How have you been?"
"I'm sorry."
We both laughed awkwardly, and I picked at the rough surface of the table. "Sorry, you first," I said.
"Right," He sighed, and ran a hand roughly through his hair. "I umm, I came by to apologize."
"Apologize?" I echoed him, unsure of where he was going with this.
"Yeah, I umm, I didn't-" he let out a deep sigh and met my eyes nervously. "I didn't mean what I said, about it being just a date. It wasn't, it meant something to me."
"It meant something to me too," I found myself saying before I could overthink and caution myself against it. His eyes flashed.
"Then why are we fighting?"
"Is that what we're doing?"
"It feels like fighting."
"I think fighting involves more arguing, you've hardly spoken to me in a month." He ran another hand through his hair.
"Point for you."
"Are you keeping score?"
"Someone has to," he laughed humorlessly.
"And who's winning?"
"At this point, I don't think either one of us, Red." The nickname made something catch in my throat. It had been weeks since I last heard it, and it felt like something akin to praying as it fell from his lips. He noticed my surprise but didn't back away from it, instead he leaned in. "Remus told me you're not together."
"We're not."
"That's good to hear," he nodded as if he hadn't quite believed the truth when it came from Remus.
"But we're not together either, Sirius."
"I want to be."
"You shouldn't."
"Why?"
"Because you don't want me," I replied, keeping my tone calm and factual, maybe if I avoided getting emotional he might actually believe me. "You want this version of me that you've created in your head."
"Don't tell me what I want." Despite my attempt to keep emotions out of the conversation, I felt my own frustration bubbling up as Sirius' eyes darkened.
"I'm not what you deserve then. You deserve someone who's honest and can be open with you, you don't deserve what I have to offer you."
"And what about you? What do you deserve?"
"I deserve to lie in the bed I've made."
"Gods, you're so fucking infuriating." His whispers felt like shouts as he raked a hand through his hair. "You deserve to be happy."
"Who says I'm not happy?"
"You can't pretend with me." The words caught me by surprise as I realized just how true they were. He'd always been able to see me – for as long as I could remember – he was able to see past my carefully crafted masks, my jokes meant to deflect, the looks that I meant to hide. I couldn't pretend with him. "Maybe with everyone else, but not with me."
"Sirius, you deserve-"
"I want you, and you want me," he said smoothly as his blue eyes met my brown without an ounce of hesitation. "I never should have let you leave that night. I never should have tried to make you jealous. I never should have said what I said in the hospital wing. But it's too late to take all that back. I came to apologize to you. So I'm sorry."
"Okay."
"But I won't apologize for wanting to be with you."
"Sirius," I sighed.
"So I'll wait until you're ready. No more Sarah McKinney, or Gemma Davis, or Laura Hartford."
"Who's Laura Hartford?"
"Someone I thought you knew about," he replied with pink-tinged ears. "Sorry, but the point is. I'll wait."
"I don't want you waiting."
"Well, to be honest, Red," I didn't miss the smirk that painted his face as he let it slip, as if he knew the effect it had on me, "you're not my girlfriend, so you can't tell me what to do." He leaned down to pull out some parchment and his potions book from his bag and began to work on the essay that was due on Wednesday without looking back at me.
I felt my blood boil at the nerve of him, and a part of me nearly caused a scene and started to tell him off, but the other part of me – the one that desperately wanted Sirius Black with every fiber of my being – stayed silent. I turned back to the pile of books in front of me and began to go through them, but now stealing glances up at the boy in front of me every so often. He wisely kept his attention focused on his assignment, allowing me to study the curve of his nose and the knit of his brow without fear of being caught.
By the time 9 pm rolled around, I found that I'd only managed to go through a dozen books since he'd sat down – and I knew that I'd have to go through them again tomorrow night as I'd not been paying enough attention to them to really cross them off the list of possible suspects. Sirius had finished his potions essay around 7:30 and had been casually reading one of the books in my discard pile ever since without looking up. As I closed the last book on the pile his eyes flicked up to mine and he flashed me a smile.
"Done?"
"Yeah," I replied cautiously. He nodded with a polite smile and stood up, collecting his bag. With a flick of my wand, the pile of discarded books found its way back to their homes and I stood up to join him.
"I'll walk you back." Sirius reached for my backpack, ignoring the way I huffed and protested as he placed it on his shoulder and started to walk toward the exit of the library.
And that's how I found myself a library partner.
Every day Sirius was waiting at the same table by the time my last class was over, and he'd stay in the same spot until 9 pm when curfew would roll around. We hardly spoke, never exchanging more than a few pleasantries, as he worked on his own assignments and reading while I moved through the first shelf in the Miscellaneous section. Sometimes he'd ask me a question about potions, or reach up to brush a stray hair behind my ear, but he'd always return to his assignment with little more than a smirk.
"Is he just going to sit here the whole time?" Snape asked me on Sunday as we worked on our essays.
"He's waiting until I'm ready," I replied with a glare toward the greasy-haired boy.
"What?" he sneered.
"It's called a romantic gesture, Snivellus. Not that you'd ever have experienced one," Sirius drawled without looking up from his copy of Quidditch Quarterly.
"I don't want to hear about your personal life," He spat before returning to his work.
It went on like this for a week, every day, without fail he'd be there waiting, and every day without fail I'd be there: wanting - wanting to touch him, wanting to kiss him, wanting to silence that stupid voice in the back of my head who told me this was wrong. On Monday, when my stomach wouldn't stop making noises, he left me alone for an hour, returning with a roast beef sandwich he'd smuggled in under his cloak. On Tuesday he wrapped the same cloak around my shoulders when my warming charms weren't doing enough. On Wednesday he walked me to Quidditch practice and was there afterward to walk me back. On Thursday he brought me a Curly Wurly bar.
"What's this?" I asked as he laid it on the table next to his Defense textbook.
"It's one of your favorites," he winked.
"No, it's your favorite."
"We'll compromise, it's our favorite." I rolled my eyes but couldn't stop the blush that crept up my neck at the memory this candy bar brought with it. The memory of wrestling in the star-filled room, of kisses, longed for and finally stolen, of secrets whispered into the evening.
"Why are you giving me a curly wurly bar?"
"Because I won't be here tomorrow."
"Got a hot date?" his eyes darkened for a second before softening and looking up at me.
"Tomorrow's the full moon." Realization washed over me and I felt guilty for accusing him of something he promised me he was no longer doing.
"Right, sorry," I cringed. "Are you – helping?"
"It's one of those, need-to-know kind of things," he said slowly.
"Understood." He could have his secrets, and I would have mine, it was only fair. "Don't get yourself hurt."
His eyes lit up and his nervous look was replaced with a wolfish grin, "You care if I get hurt."
"Of course, I care if you get hurt, Sirius, I'm not a monster."
"Sure, sure," he waved his hand nonchalantly at me. "Whatever you say."
"You don't have to tell me every time you're not going to be here."
"Well, I didn't want you thinking I was off with someone else."
"You could be, we're not dating," I reminded him but my heart wasn't really in it. He saw through my bluff with an eye roll of his own.
"Not yet, anyway."
"Sirius-"
"Eat it," he pointed toward the chocolate.
"There's no eating in the library."
"Don't be such a swot," he scoffed and craned his neck to search for Pince. The old librarian had her back to us as she reorganized her desk. "Coast is clear."
I opened the wrapper as silently as I could, careful to eye Madam Pince as I did it, and brought it up to my mouth. Sirius kept his eye on the old woman at her desk but continued to steal glances back toward me as I bit into the gift. It tasted just like I remembered, and a part of me was waiting for Sirius to wrestle me to the ground for a bite. I couldn't help but let my imagination run wild with the image of him reaching for it. I would pull it away saying something like Do you really think you've earned this chocolate bar, Mr. Black? He would smirk in that devilish way that sent heat coursing through my core and reply with I think I could do something to earn it. And I wouldn't turn beat red under the words, because this was my fantasy dammit, instead I would smirk wickedly and pull myself up onto the tabletop spreading my thighs ever so slightly. Show me, I'd say, and then his lips would be on mine – lighting me on fire with their touch – and he'd ravage me in the Hogwarts library and Oh My God.
I wanted Sirius Black.
And not just in the 'ravage me on top of our usual table in the library' way. It was in the carry my books, tell me your secrets, tell me you love me way – and the voice in my head was suddenly silent.
Shit.
November 25, 1977
Friday nights in the common room went the same as they always would. James and Peter were playing a game of chess as Remus dozed in the chair next to them, his skin was pale and sweaty but he shivered underneath a blanket. Lily and Dorcas were pouring over a copy of witch weekly next to me as I studied Remus quietly. He cracked his eyes a little and caught me red-handed.
"Checking me out, Cole?" he asked quietly enough for only me to hear.
"You don't look so good," I replied as I reached over to brush his hair out of his eyes and wipe the sweat off his forehead. He was feverish.
"Posh," he scoffed. "I've never looked better."
"You have a fever."
"Always get one," he shrugged as he turned his head toward the fire more and closed his eyes again.
"You haven't eaten anything since breakfast, that can't be good for you," I said to him.
"Not hungry."
I watched him shiver in front of the fire, wishing I could take his pain away, wishing I could do anything to help him endure this. But I couldn't…no one could. I reached for the blanket that lay draped across the back of the sofa behind me and unfurled it. Standing up, I threw it over him, making a fuss as I made sure he was bundled as warm as I could get him. The shivering calmed as the blanket worked its magic, and he closed his eyes. I brushed my lips across his forehead, the same way my mother had to mine every time I was sick. He was burning up. "Thanks, Gin." He muttered sleepily as I moved away from him.
"Don't you two look cozy," the husky voice made me stand up straight and my blood run cold.
"Pads, it's about time!" James half-shouted as Sirius stood rooted in his spot behind Remus's chair. The werewolf didn't stir, we'd lost him to sleep, and I was grateful for it. He needed the rest, and he didn't need to hear this. Sirius glared at me as I stared back at him.
"Where've you been mate? Not snogging Sarah McKinney again?" came the voice of Peter from behind me.
Sirius didn't respond. He was immobilized before me, searching me with his eyes, demanding an answer. I stared back, wondering what he was thinking. We'd spent every evening together for over a week, he said he believed me when I told him Remus and I weren't together – so why did he look at me now like I'd betrayed him. I felt the fury bubble up in my chest. I had to get out of here.
"I'll just go," I said. Without turning to say goodbye, I took off toward the portrait hole. I started walking, but when the fat lady closed behind me I took off in a jog, running away from him. My feet carried me through the halls, down the stairs, and it would have carried me all the way out of the castle if it hadn't been for the tight hand that grabbed my arm and jerked me to a halt.
"Ginny wait!" he practically shouted as I fell into his chest. The smell of broom polish filled my nose and I pushed at him, desperate to get away before I let it consume me again.
"No," I yelled. I glared up at him, his grip still tight on my arm, and shouted. "Just leave me alone!"
"You said nothing was going on. " He spat at me, just as angry with me as I was at him.
"There is nothing going on." I pushed at his chest but he didn't let go.
"Yeah, sure looked like it."
"Oh fuck off."
"My best fucking friend, Ginny?" I jerked my arm away from his grip and pulled my wand out of my pocket. I pointed it at his chest and he shrank away from me. My face was wet with tears that I didn't realize were falling as I caught my breath.
"You don't believe me? After all the time we've spent together this week, you think I've been running off to snog Remus?"
"How am I supposed to know? It's not like you'll talk to me."
"We talk." He scoffed and leaned into the wand I had trained on his chest.
"We sit in silence and you watch me, try to figure me out, and you pretend that you don't want me too."
"Don't you dare-"
"You sit there and you pretend that there's nothing here."
"There is nothing!"
"You told me your secrets and I told you mine and now I'm the crazy one."
"Sirius I-"
"Shut up." He grabbed my wrist and pointed my wand at the wall as he closed the distance between us. His lips met mine in a fiery passionate kiss. Hot lava spread its way through my body, lighting every nerve on fire. And before I knew any better I was kissing him back. His hand gripped my wand arm tightly while the other clutched the back of my neck like a lifeline. I strained up on my toes to be closer to him, and he brought his neck down to make it easier. It was just as angry as our shouting had been, half teeth and all battling for dominance as he ravaged my mouth. The lava coursed through me, heating me up, and pooling in my stomach as my own freehand found its way to his neck. He broke away first, using the hand on my neck to pull me back slightly. "Fuck you." He breathed, but it didn't hold half of the venom of before.
His words were like a smack in the face from reality. A moment ago I was in the clouds, the only two people in the entire world were us, and now my feet were on the ground again. I breathed him, the smell of fresh morning air, Fleetwood's high finish broom polish, and the fiery sweet smell I didn't realize I'd been craving for a month.
"I want you so bad, Red, it consumes me. Every moment, of every day, since I saw you in that hospital bed, I've wanted you." He said as his hand brushed my curls off of my forehead. His thumb brushed across my cheek, drying the tears that had fallen. "I see you, Ginny. Why can't you open your eyes and see it?"
"Sirius-"
"Why?"
"I'm afraid," the words came out of my mouth before I could stop them. It was the truth. The hold he had on me after no time at all, was terrifying. It was a betrayal to everyone I loved to want him, and yet I did.
"Of me?" he chuckled deeply. I could feel it rumble in his chest and his hot breath on my face made me lose my head. "You never have to be afraid of me, love."
"But I do. I have to be afraid of you, if I'm not afraid of you then what does that say about me? I can't just move on," the sobs I'd been holding back finally fell out of my mouth, consuming me. Sirius pulled me into his arms and held me to his chest while I cried. I could hear his heart beating as I buried my face in the soft grey sweater he wore. If I turned my head just the right way I could smell his cologne still on the collar. A stinging pang ripped through my chest when I realized that I was enjoying the smell.
I couldn't just move on. It was so easy when I wasn't thinking, it was so easy to fall into him – fall for him – but then when the sun came out nothing had changed. I was still Ginny Weasley, lost in time, sent on a mission to save the people I may never see again. It was a betrayal to them to move on like this, to forget about them and build this new family Sirius wanted me to be a part of. And gods did I want to be a part of it. I fit right in, like the final piece of the puzzle.
"What happens when it all falls apart?" I whispered to him because it would fall apart. Maybe not today, and maybe not this year, but soon it would all fall apart. Sirius would convince Peter to become the secret keeper. Peter would betray his friends to Lord Voldemort. Lord Voldemort would kill James and Lily. Sirius would try to kill Peter, and in the end, he'd be in Azkaban for 12 years. And I would be all alone.
"Then I'll put it back together" he let out a desperate laugh and brought his hand to my cheek, gently guiding my face up to his eyes. He brought his forehead down to mine and we stood in the corridor face to face, pleading with one another. "I didn't know your family, love, but if it were me I'd want you to be happy. Are you really happy with this?"
"I'm fucking miserable," my whisper echoed in the corridor – my confession hung in the air shocking to even me. I'd put on the happy face and pretended it was for the best, but I'd hurt both of us in the end.
"Me too," he laughed. It all seemed so dramatic then. A minute ago I was sobbing, and now I felt the same laugh bubble up on my lips. We were both miserable. The giggle escaped my lips and it filled my whole body. We stood there, face to face, laughing cathartically at how incredibly stupid this was – we were. I'd ruined everything between us, wasted weeks of my life pretending that I wasn't completely falling for Sirius Black. I was an idiot. The laugh died slowly, replaced by a ghost of a smile, and soon we were back down to earth. Sirius looked at me with longing as he spoke "Please, Ginny."
I knew it was a bad idea. I knew that it would always fall apart. I knew that no matter what, I would end up with a broken heart in the end. But as his stormy blue eyes stared down at me, as his dark curls brushed my forehead, and as his fingers danced softly across my cheek, I felt safe. For two months I'd been lost, and at that moment he found me. "Sirius I'm not easy to be with."
"I like a challenge," he chuckled.
"It has to be slow."
"I like slow," a smile started to find its way onto his lips and I couldn't help but mirror it.
"You'll have to stop thinking there's something going on with me and Remus."
"Done." He had a big goofy smile plastered on his face, and he brought both hands to my waist. "What do you say, Cole?"
"I say, you should go find the boys. Take care of whatever it is you lot have planned for tonight. And then on Saturday, you can take me to Hogsmede…and we'll take it from there."
His smile got even bigger, a feat I wasn't sure was possible. "Are you asking me out on a date, Red?"
"I am." His arms around my waist tightened and before I could protest he hoisted me into the air. Hugging my body tightly against his chest, he spun us in a circle. I let out a loud shriek of a laugh and moved my arms to his shoulders, holding on for dear life. His own deep laugh rumbled against my chest and for the first time, our heads were at the same height. The spin slowed but I didn't let go and neither did he.
It was me who initiated the kiss this time. His lips were warm and soft, and the molten feeling was deep in my abdomen as we kissed. His arms loosened around my waist as he leaned down to bring my feet back to the stone floor. It was like touching down after a long flight on my broom, foreign but sturdy, and it brought me back to reality.
"Is there time to walk me back?" I asked, just inches from his lips.
"I'll make time," he smirked and leaned down for a quick peck before lacing his fingers with mine and pulling me toward the common room.