Following the success of last month's inaugural "Captain Kirk Day", it has been decided that the event will be a regular observance on board the Enterprise. We request that crew members limit their participation to officially sanctioned events only, such as the crew breakfast, essay competition, etc, rather than impersonation contests, "pin the sleeve on the captain", and cream pie target practice. 1
Recent efforts have been made to determine the identity of the person(s) responsible for literally hailing the SS Thorsen last Monday. To prevent other occurrences of this nature, climate control settings in the transporter room have been given a second layer of password protection. Once culpability is determined, all replicator credits employed in producing 10 snow shovels for the clean-up crew will be retroactively applied to the guilty party's account.
We would like to commend the gamma shift for their interest in debate and scientific inquiry. Lifelong learning is one of the hallmarks of a successful career and a well-rounded education. That said, the bridge is not an ideal environment for determining which foodstuff will have the greatest effect on the reproductive rate of tribbles. The shift commander also requests that crew members restrict their arguments to those of an impersonal nature, and that participants not trade the theater of scientific enquiry for the arena of personal grievances.
Following a brief consultation with the captain, we concur, with a hefty dose of humility, that there are more suitable locales for recuperating from the effects of a late shift than one's duty station. Better time management and delegation of tasks, as well as the consumption of a caffeinated beverage, has also been encouraged. 2
It is our pleasure to be able to confirm that the first Earth ambassador to Tellar was indeed Ekaterina Popova, not Kenishi Matashito, as had been suggested. After much heated discussion, it was decided that the penalty for the erring party would be to serve as the dinner companion for the next visiting dignitary the Enterprise hosts. We sincerely wish that a good time is had by all involved, while at the same time, extend a hearty congratulations to our often-wrong crewmember for finally knowing the correct answer. 3
Our first officer is pleased to note that following several question-and-answer sessions, most of the misinformation about his species appears to have been quelled, at least among Enterprise's current crew complement. However, despite (ultimately futile) attempts to evade his hearing, he is fully aware of remarks a certain party had made regarding his ears appearing "sharp enough to cut a steak with." In response to this comment, he has released the following statement: "No. Can you spread butter with yours?" 4
After communications with several of Starfleet's suppliers, Security has determined that a labelling mix-up at a warehouse on Altair VI is responsible for Sickbay's receiving salt and pepper shakers instead of medical scanners, rather than a clever ruse by crewmembers seeking to postpone physical examinations. Our chief medical officer assures us that even if such a tactic were employed, it would in no way deter him and his staff from utilizing other less efficient methods of examination, such as hour-long, full-body imaging scans. He also wishes to report that the recent outbreak of sneezing fits in sickbay has been directly linked to this error. 5
In the wake of our week's stay in spacedock at Deep Space Station A-14, the hospitality department would encourage anyone wishing to play "connect the dots" with the starfield outside the large windows in the common areas to utilise water-soluble markers, as they have no desire to deplete the ship's entire supply of cleaning fluids in one night.
It is with much chagrin that Security reports the theft or misplacement of its lost-and-found box. As the receptacle in question is clearly labelled as such, re-purposing seems unlikely. Crewmembers are asked to look for a large, blue crate, not unlike the 798 other similar containers currently aboard ship. We would also request that crewmembers refrain from losing any other items until such time as it is located.
We sincerely hope that the results of a complete physical, mental, and emotional evaluation will lay to rest rumors about the captain's identity. Sickbay and Security have independently confirmed that his recent change in demeanour was due to a pending anniversary, rather than his replacement by an imposter or enemy agent. As to the nature of said anniversary, suffice it to say that the details of such are covered by doctor-patient/lawyer-client confidentiality, not to mention common decency. 6
All concerned parties be advised that the Rigelian leech violet's parasitic relationship with the planet's mammalian fauna is well-documented and rarely harmful, let alone fatal. That said, amateur horticulturalists are advised that intravenous nutrient transfer is a viable alternative to nourisishing the plant with one's own sebaceous secretions. Quite frankly, affixing the mouthparts of a semi-carnivorous flower to one's forehead is both a distraction from one's duty and more than a little unnerving. 7
A recent audit of the ship's log and music databases has uncovered a surprising uptick in the usage of the reverse playback control. Despite the lack of concrete proof, several suggestions have been advanced as to possible reasons for this trend. ranging from the mundane (computer programming errors) to the bizarre (the otherwise undetectable backwards movement of time due to some temporal phenomena) to the paranoid (suspicions of secret, coded messages). Any crewmember who may be able to shed light on the subject is invited to attend a meeting tonight at 1900 hours, in conference room C. dedivorp eb lliw stnemhserfeR 8
Lastly, while we are usually the first to appreciate and encourage new metaphorical applications of technical jargon, we, along with the engineering department, strongly advise against the usage of the term "jettisoning one's warp core" to describe the effects of a digestive upset, particularly if one is in danger of being overheard and misunderstood.
1 A la "Captain Picard Day", from TNG.
2 Uhura finally calls herself out. Caught sleeping on the job. :)
3 Chekov is right, for once. (Yay!) Now it's Sulu who has to pay up.
4 Spock has had enough of your Vulcan jokes.
5 Salt shakers are literally what TOS prop makers used for the medical scanners. So it's only natural that they could get mixed up in-universe, too.
6 Given the number of times Kirk has been split, replaced, compromised, etc, it's not that unreasonable to suspect something. As to what the anniversary is of? MYOB (I like to think it was a bad breakup, not Tarsus IV.)
7 Sulu, I know you love your plants, but come on. That's just gross. Yuck.
8 See what I did there?