The tufted grey couch of the Potter's sitting room spun into view as the pull of apparition released us and a blur of black hair and long limbs pulled me in.
"Oh thank fucking merlin. DAD! MOODY!" He shouted as he squeezed me tight. "Pads-" the sound of retching tore his attention from me. "Sirius, what happened?" he turned back to face me "What bloody happened?" he moved to help Sirius but the other boy pushed him away, throwing up into the plant beside him.
"We're fine," I nodded. "It's fine." I wasn't sure if I was reassuring James or myself, but I couldn't stop repeating it. "We're fine. It's fine." Sirius continued to heave into the plant, coughing and sputtering while James grabbed my shoulders. "It's fine."
"What did they do to Sirius?"
"He's fine, it's fine." I couldn't stop saying it. I tried. "We're fine." I realized that I was shaking, and my vision was tunneling. "Fine."
"MOODY!" James shouted again.
"I'm fine." I was struggling to breathe. James gripped me by the shoulders and ushered me into a nearby armchair.
"Breathe in through your mouth." He moved back to Sirius, who continued to vomit. "Breathe out through your nose Ginny," he called from Sirius' side. The sounds of vomiting were replaced by the sounds of spitting. I took short gasps of air in through my mouth and out through my nose. A tear fell from my cheek. When had I started crying? "Sirius, mate, are you alright?"
"Red?" Sirius called.
"You need to sit," James told him. "Sit down, Pads. Moody will-"
"I'm fine." Say something else, anything else!
"Get off me." The sound of them struggling distracted me from my breathing. In through the nose? The mouth? I couldn't remember.
"Potter! Did you confirm it was them?" More commotion as Moody and Fleamont entered, jostling into the room in the panic.
"We're fine." I sounded like a fucking parrot.
"Been a bit distracted!" James shouted to the auror.
"That's all it takes, Potter, a moment of distraction, and then you're dead." Dead James. I was rocking now, moving my whole body back and forth to get the thought out of my head.
"You're fine."
"Fuck! I – umm - What did I say to you when we met Lily on the train first year?"
"Get off me Prongs!" More shuffling, more shouting, the sound of a fist landing a punch.
"It's fine."
"That you were going to marry her." The sound of a struggle ending and the feeling of Sirius' soft hands wiping the tears off of my cheeks. "In through your nose, love, you can do it." Blue met with brown and we breathed together. In through your nose. "That's my girl, now out through your mouth." His fingers brushed the hair out of my face. Out through your mouth. We repeated it together a dozen more times. In through your nose. My lungs burned with the effort, it had a grounding effect. Out through the mouth. My jaw started to relax. In with the nose. The black started to recede and the room came into view. Out with the mouth. Sirius's hair had fallen from the tight ponytail it had been in. In through the nose. He looked better like this. Out through the mouth. More like himself. In. We'd made it. Out. We were alive. In.
"We're fine," I whispered.
"We're fine." He pulled me into his arms and we held each other for a minute, breathing together. I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. We pulled away and a potion was thrust into my hand.
"Calming drought," Moody said gruffly. "Drink up."
I unstopped the bottle and downed half pushing the rest into Sirius' hand. For a second I thought he might refuse it, but after a brief battle, he finished the bottle. The tension in my body eased as it took effect and I finally felt safe.
We were fine.
"James, go to your room, now," Fleamont said through clenched teeth.
"Why? We're just going to tell him everything later," Sirius muttered.
"Let him stay," Moody relented. I turned to find him leaning against the fireplace watching us carefully. "You need to tell me everything. Now."
And so we did.
Well, Sirius did. It took me a long time to find my voice again after the shaking and parroting died down. My brain was exhausted, having seen too much and felt too much, and suppressed too much tonight. But there was no way I'd be able to close my eyes again. Every time I blinked I saw the flash of green light. Anytime the conversation lulled I could hear her last words I'd rather die. If it weren't for the steady touch of Sirius I might've felt Rosier's hands on my back, or Lucius's breath on my neck, or Voldemort's eyes on me.
"Anything to add Cole?" Moody's gruff voice broke me out of my head.
"What?" I looked between the four men around me. Moody was unmoved by the story, already forming a plan in his head. Fleamont looked disturbed and angry, glaring at Moody from his spot in the doorway. James was the only one reacting with the appropriate amount of horror in my opinion. He looked ready to puke, or cry, or fight, it was a toss-up between them.
"What did Malfoy say?" Sirius prompted me. Sirius was the picture of calm at first glance. He'd told the story perfectly, going over every detail, leaving out nothing. If we hadn't been touching I might have believed that he'd been unaffected by the evening. But we were touching. I could feel his fingers trembling when he recanted Voldemort's speech. I could see the muscle tense in his jaw when he told them of Arabella Selwyn's murder. I felt his whole body tense as he recalled the confrontation with Regulus. Sirius was holding himself together with calming drought, and the pressure of my leg against his.
"He said a lot," I shuddered at the memory of his eyes and the curl of his lips as he divulged his secrets. "He's a captain now."
"We knew that," Moody grunted. Sirius flashed an angry glance toward the Auror but it did nothing to faze the man leaning against the mantle before us.
"They're in talks with the giants," Fleamont swore under his breath and Sirius' leg tensed against mine.
"What else?"
"He's got the head of the Department of Mysteries under his control." As I said it I could feel the way that Malfoy had slipped his hand down the curve of my shoulder – could feel the way his fingers danced along the expanse of exposed skin – and I shuddered at the memory.
"Under his control? What he paid him off?" James asked incredulously.
"Imperius Curse," Moody and I said at the same time. I turned to look over at him and he met my raised eyebrow with a shrug of his own.
"Had a hunch," He replied. "Is that all?"
"He's going to try to kill you," I murmured.
His grave stare turned into a wicked smile, "I'd like to see him try."
"I think it'll be around February."
"He gave you his plans all tied up with a bow?" Moody asked warily. I shrugged in response.
"He called it my Valentine gift."
"I'll be on guard."
"Constant Vigilance," I remarked. We shared a long and knowing glance before turning my gaze back to Sirius and James.
"Alastor-" Fleamont cut in, making a move toward the Auror that the other man stopped with a stoic glance.
"Is that all?" Moody asked.
"What about Rosier? What did he tell you?" Sirius prompted me with a gentle nudge.
"Rosier was there?" Moody stepped forward.
"Yes." I shuddered. "We were dancing."
"I told you not to draw too much attention to-" Moody raged.
"Does it fucking matter?" Sirius shouted at him.
"Yes, it bloody well matters! You could have-"
"They're planning something with the werewolves!" I yelled over them both. My words caused everyone to freeze, holding their breath as they waited for me to elaborate. "Rosier told me that he'd tamed the werewolves."
"Tamed the werewolves?" James gaped.
"What did he mean?" Fleamont asked.
"I'm not really sure. He said it- it was – I think he was trying to impress me. We were flirting." I suppressed another shudder at the memory.
"It's alright, Red," Sirius reassured me. Blue eyes met with brown for a brief moment, bringing me back to the present – away from the memory.
"But it sounded serious. He said to tame a werewolf you have to give them exactly what they want. And then he told me that if he makes the front page of the prophet then I owe him another dance."
"Front page of the prophet?" Moody muttered under his breath. "When's the next full moon?"
"Tonight." Sirius and James replied in unison. Moody rushed forward. He towered over me, his scarred face unreadable as he stared.
"What else did he say, Cole?" He asked urgently.
"That's all. I think they're going to attack somewhere, and they've promised the werewolves something they want."
"Where?" He crouched down low to look at me with wild eyes.
"He didn't say." Moody wrapped his fingers around my shoulders, squeezing them tightly.
"Think, Ginny, where?"
"Alastor-" Fleamont tried to cut in.
"I don't know." His eyes were desperate, crazed even, as he tightened his hold on me.
"You know. You can remember. Tell me where."
"Alastor!" Fremont's voice was louder this time, more commanding, but Moody made no move to back off.
"I can't. I don't-"
"Think. December 25th, 1977. Where did the werewolves attack?" He shook me a little and I finally realized what he meant.
"Alastor, that's enough!" Fleamont shouted. Then it hit me.
"A muggle village. An orphanage. Greyback targets children, that's what they're after." The ensuing silence shocked me. No one moved for a moment as they stared at me with wide eyes. Why wasn't anyone moving? Why aren't they saying something? I'd given them vital information, I'd ignored Dumbledore's rules to do it. Moody was the first to break the silence.
"Where?" he whispered.
"Mousehole." The Mousehole Massacre would be a bloodbath. Dozens dead, even more, mutilated, and the children were forever changed. It was a blip in the history of the war, a short scene of barbarity in the saga of horror that was to come. I wished I had paid better attention in Binns' history lessons. Maybe I might've remembered even more.
"You did well, Cricket." Moody stood up quickly and moved toward the fireplace. "I have to go, keep an eye on them Monty. Some dreamless sleep will do them good. I'll send word later."
James and Sirius stared at me slack-jawed with wide eyes as Mr. Potter showed Moody out of the house. It was the first time since we'd met that I felt truly uncomfortable being alone with them. The pressure of Sirius' leg against mine was gone as he turned to get a better look at me.
"He told you where it was going to happen?" Sirius asked.
"Um, yeah," I lied. It was up there with one of the worst lies I'd ever told. Neither James nor Sirius believed it. I couldn't even convince myself that they might.
"Alright, all of you to bed," Fleamont broke the tension from the doorway. "Euphemia put some dreamless sleep in your rooms before she left, you should take it."
"What are they going to do about the attack?" I asked hurriedly.
"It's not your concern, Moody has it under control." He brought a heavy hand to wipe at his face, the exhaustion apparent in his sigh.
"They're going to kill people," I protested. "We have to do something."
"You have done enough, Ginny," he replied like it was the end of the matter. But I wasn't ready to give up.
"We've only just started! We can do something. We can protect them. We can fight-"
"YOU WILL NOT!" He shouted and leaned back against the door frame. I saw his age then. The white hair, wrinkled skin, and eyes that had seen far too much already. He stared at me with those haunted eyes - those sad, tired, eyes softened when I didn't fight him. "You did so well tonight. Both of you. But you are done. Now we have to let Alastor, and the Aurors do their jobs. Please, I'm begging you, go to bed. You're safe here, and we will do everything in our power to stop this attack."
I looked down in shame, suddenly feeling like a child. "Yes, sir."
"Off you go boys," he called to James and Sirius. We went up the stairs single file, not stopping to wish each other good night. The quiet click of my door shutting meant I was finally alone, and I could fall apart. And so I did what I'd been wanting to do all night: I cried.
It was at that part of the morning, just before the sun comes up that I found myself lying awake and staring into the darkness of the room. The salty trails of tears long dried on my cheeks were met with the silence just before dawn, the birds hadn't gotten the message about the impending sunrise and were lying in wait to start their morning songs. I found myself waiting with them. Waiting for the sun to break over the horizon. Waiting for sleep to overtake me. Waiting for the feeling of unending despair to release me from its grip.
The flash of green kept flashing across my eyelids. The sounds of a body being cleaned away cut through the silence. The fear of what tonight might hold knotted in my stomach. Sleep was not coming for me today.
I swung my legs over the side of the bed and heaved myself up. I was still wearing the navy dress. It was wrinkled and itchy, and it felt like a costume – the costume of a blood-crazed death eater sympathizer. I shrugged it off. Digging in my trunk, I searched for something that would make me feel like myself again. Not Ginny Cole, Ginny Weasley – a proud member of the DA, on a mission to change the future. Anything but this. The warmth of a Molly Weasley jumper enveloped me and I could feel her love from 20 years away. It was like she'd stitched it into the lettering in her own special kind of mum-magic.
I moved out into the hallway searching for…well I wasn't really sure what I was searching for. It was still nearly pitch black outside, the only brightness coming from the candle in the hallway and the light underneath one of the doors. Sirius's door. He couldn't sleep either. We hadn't spoken since we'd arrived upstairs, I'd shut my door on him and James, needing to fall apart in private away from their prying eyes. Like a magnet, I was pulled toward the door and before I'd even considered how much of a mess I must look to him, I pushed it open.
He was perched on the window sill chain-smoking cigarettes, still dressed for the party looking like the picture of rebellion. White shirt sleeves rolled to his elbows, long hair free from restraint and blowing slowly in the open window's breeze, and lips curled around a lit cigarette like it was the only thing keeping him alive. In the whisperings of dawn, he turned to face me. We stared at each other, taking in the other's appearance. It was all puffy eyes and dark circles. Sleep, it seems, never came for him either despite the bottle of dreamless sleep that lay empty on his bedside table.
"Hey," I whispered from the doorway, suddenly afraid of him.
"Hey." He shifted to the left, inviting me wordlessly to join him on the windowsill. I took the invitation and moved toward him, placing myself on the other edge of the window.
"Potion didn't work?"
He shrugged his shoulders and took a long drag from the cigarette. "No, you?"
"No, hasn't worked for me in years." I meant for it to sound like a joke, but Sirius' reaction made me realize how unfunny it was.
"I kept seeing her eyes every time I closed mine."
"Arabella's?" He nodded slowly, pulling another drag off the cigarette. I reached for it.
"This shit'll kill you," he said but let me take it anyway.
"I just survived a pit of death eaters, I think I'll take my chances." I took a long drag like he had and felt an intense burning in my lungs. I struggled with it for a second but finally let it win with a sputtering cough.
"Told you so," he smirked and took it back. A silence fell over us as we watched the sun make its first appearance over the horizon. It turned the snow to glitter under its rays, refracting a rainbow back to the source. It was beautiful. "I hated tonight." He broke through the silence, surprising me.
"It was awful."
He brought a hand up to his hair and ran it through the mess of curls. "I hated you leaving me."
"I hated dancing with them." I suppressed a shudder when I felt the hands on my back again, the breath on my neck. Sirius reached across the window sill and took my hand in his.
"They can't get us here. None of them can, we're safe."
"There's no such thing as safe, Sirius." The words fell out of my mouth before I could stop them, and the overwhelming feeling of despair set back in. "They will stop at nothing to get what they want. Voldemort killed a fucking pureblood tonight to get people to join him, and it fucking worked. We're not safe. No one is."
"Don't say that."
"Why? It's the truth. We branded ourselves as Order Members tonight."
"No, we-"
"We didn't pledge ourselves to him. We've placed a target on our backs. I did it willingly. I did it for my family, for the future of the Wizarding World, but it had a price."
"Ginny it's-"
"If you say it's fine I'll jump out of this window right now." The tears were falling down my cheeks as I admonished him. How could he not see? "They all saw us there. Rosier, Snape, Malfoy, your brother. Voldemort saw us there. We left – I don't regret that – but there was a price. When we left we told them all we were the enemy. We took the information and we ran. If they don't suspect us of it now, they will tomorrow when the order is waiting for them. Until this war is over we'll have to look over our shoulder, watch each other's backs, because they know what we are and what we fight for."
Sirius leaned back against the window as my words sunk in, the heft of them weighing him down. He lit another cigarette in the silence as the sky started to change colors.
"Ginny?"
"Yeah?"
"Did a part of you want to join him?" His voice was barely a whisper as spoke.
"No," I replied immediately. There was nothing in me that would turn to them, nothing could get me to change sides. I'd given everything for the Order, and I'd do it again.
Sirius drew in a shaky breath as the sun crested over the trees. "There was a part of me that did." I turned to look at him in surprise but could not find his eyes, only a curtain of black curls hiding his face from view. "For just a second, when Reg was carrying Arabella in, I thought if I joined he wouldn't have to. If I'd never-" he choked back a sob. "If I'd never been sorted into Gryffindor then he wouldn't have had to bare the-" his shoulders shook freely as he cried in the sunrise. I moved from my spot and took him in my arms. "It's my fault. It's all my fault."
"It's not," I murmured into his hair.
"You don't know that. If I had been there then it never would have been him. If I hadn't begged the hat to put me in Gryffindor then I never would have-"
"Sirius please."
"It would have been me," he raged. With fists knotted in his hair, we sank to the ground. "I should have protected him. I was selfish. I was a coward."
"There's nothing you could have done."
"THE ONLY REASON HE HAS THE MARK IS BECAUSE OF ME!" He fell back against the wall and the sobs racked his body. I held him tightly to my chest, letting him cry and whispering into his ash-scented hair.
We sat like that as the sky turned from pink to yellow, and then to blue. We heard the birds singing their morning songs, saw the shadows of clouds dance across the carpet. They accompanied the chorus of sobs ripped from Sirius's chest. The only comfort I could offer was my shoulder. It came so easily to me – comforting people in times of crisis. In the room of requirement I'd worn many hats: healer, soldier, general, strategist, and most often a nurturer. I'd wiped the tears of children who just wanted to go home where it was safe. Held the hand of a friend in the throes of a nightmare, because they needed the sleep more than they needed to wake up. I'd been a confidant and an advisor, but most importantly I'd been a friend. Sirius needed a friend. As the hiccupping died down I broke the silence.
"Sirius?"
"Yeah?"
"Even if you'd been a Slytherin - even if you'd been there for Regulus, and for your family, he'd still be a death eater."
"You don't know that-"
"I do," I asserted as I turned to look him in the eye. "Regulus is everything you're not. And you're everything he wants to be." Sirius snorted in response. "You're brave enough to stand up to your parents. Brave enough to give up your family name. He envies you. I mean he'd never admit it, but he does. If you'd joined, he'd be right behind you." He nodded slowly as he pondered my words. He moved away from my embrace, choosing to sit shoulder to shoulder and stare at the dresser in front of us. He reached for my hand tentatively and found it waiting for him. With our fingers laced together, he heaved a large sigh.
"I don't actually want to-"
"I know, Sirius."
We sat shoulder to shoulder as the dawn turned into a bright and dazzling morning. I wondered what was going to happen now, now that we knew what we knew, now that we'd done what we'd done. Regulus had no doubt reported back to his dark lord that we were leaving, escaping in the early hours of morning to share the intel with his enemies. For the first time since I'd arrived, I was glad to be utterly alone in the world. There was no one my actions could affect. No one was going to threaten my father's job, my brother's shop, or the safety of my mother.
You're not alone. The voice rang loud and clear in my head, dispelling the relief and replacing it with the faces of the Marauders, of Lily, Dorcas, Mary, and Marlene, of Sirius. They weren't my blood, but somehow despite my fighting it, they'd become my family. If I knew anything about Ginny Weasley – about Ginny Cole – she would stop at nothing to protect her family.
"This is the first Christmas without my family," I whispered into the silence. Sirius squeezed my fingers tightly but made no move to look at me. It's like he knew that the contact of his perfect blue-grey eyes would break my composure. If he turned to look at me, brushed the hair off of my cheek, and pulled me into his arms, I was guaranteed to turn into a sobbing mess on the grey carpet we occupied. Instead, the tight grip of his fingers reminded me he was there, that James and the Potters were there. "I miss them." I didn't let the tear fall down my cheek, even though it threatened to.
"You're allowed to miss them."
"I just –" I took a shuddering breath and swallowed the tears that threatened to take me, "we always had a really good Christmas. We weren't rich, but it was always perfect."
"What do you miss the most?"
"The noise." He snorted.
"That's not really something most people enjoy."
"It's so quiet here," I shrugged.
"If you want me to shout I could always –"
"There were always too many people, too loud, too much food – makes me want to listen to Celestina Warbeck albums."
"Celestina Warbeck?" I could hear the arched eyebrow in his voice, the small smile playing at the corner of his mouth. A small smile of my own crossed my lips.
"My mum's favorite."
"So she did have a flaw." Sirius turned to face me with a wink and I let out a breathy laugh in response.
"A few," I conceded. "She was meddlesome when it came to our love lives, even tried to break up my brother's engagement once." He let out a low whistle. "And my dad was obsessed with all things muggle, he charmed a car to fly-"
"A flying car?" Sirius asked in excitement.
"Yeah, it was pretty wicked." I found myself grinning as I talked about them, and suddenly it didn't make me want to cry or stop. I couldn't be stopped, the words flowed out of me like a waterfall. "My brother Charlie's a dragon tamer, and every time he'd come home my mum would accost him with scissors until he finally let her cut his hair. And then Bill would tell us all the stories of curse breaking in Egypt, and Dad would egg him on until Mum tried to convince him to move back home. Then there was Percy, an absolute tosser, the twins were always pranking him and he was just such an easy target, always got a rise out of him. He hasn't been at Christmas in –" I thought about it for a second. After he'd chosen the ministry over his family we hadn't spoken much. I know dad saw him sometimes, but he hadn't come home. "Well, it's been a while. And then there's Ron, he's only a year older than me, the most overprotective little shit there ever lived."
"Six brothers?" Sirius asked.
"Six."
"And the only girl?"
"Yeah."
"And the youngest?"
"Yes," I laughed breathily.
"I feel bad for any bloke you ever brought home." We both let out a chuckle.
"They never stood a chance," I shrugged.
"Do you ever wish you could talk to them?"
"Every day."
"What would you say?"
His question sunk in as I mulled over my response. What would I tell them? What would I say to them all if I could call them on the floo right now? If I could apparate to the hillside and be at the table for tea this afternoon, what would I say?
"I'd tell them I'm okay." I chewed my lip, biting into the flesh as I turned the words over on my tongue. "I think I'd tell them about you."
"Are you trying to get me in trouble?" He laughed quietly.
"I think after the usual bit, they'd like you a lot," I grinned, remembering how Sirius and my mum had been at war with each other for the entirety of my fourth year. I remembered how much the twins, Ron, and Harry adored him. I remembered how he always looked at me with a mixture of euphoria and pain. "I'd tell them about everyone I think. The girls, Remus, Peter, James – I think I'd even tell them about Snape."
Sirius let out a snort through his nose. "It's your conversation."
"I'd tell them how much I miss them, and that I think I made the right choice." I turned my head to face him and found his eyes bright and blue waiting for me. It was a look of pure adoration as if he was seeing me for the first time. The warm lava feeling started to pool in my stomach and I wondered how he was able to do that to me with just a look and the pressure of his hand in mine. With his free hand, he reached over to brush a strand of hair behind my ear, leaving a trail of goosebumps on my neck when his warm fingers brushed it. "What was Christmas like for you?" I expected his eyes to darken dangerously, for him to turn away, and be angry that I'd brought his family up again, but instead, he surprised me. Sirius Black was always surprising me.
"Christmas was my favorite," He smiled gently as he continued to play with the tendrils of hair closest to his fingers. "It was the only day of the year that everyone was civil. My mum couldn't be herself, too many people around to see her go crazy, so she pretended to be perfect."
"Perfect?" He nodded and trailed his fingers up to my jaw where he traced its shape with a feather-light touch.
"She was loving and attentive, always called me mon ange. My angel. They let Reg and me be loud, we got to play with our cousins. This was back before Cissa fell in love with herself, and before Bella went bat shit. Andie would charm the piano to play Christmas songs and we'd dance all night while our parents drank in the parlor. We'd stuff ourselves with tarts, and biscuits, and prime rib. Play with our new toys, read books, laugh." His eyes turned sad as he dropped his hands from my face and folded in on himself a little. "But it was only for a day. One really good day."
"Sirius?" I asked softly. He was lost in his head, remembering the Christmases past, when things were easier – well maybe not easier, but when he was too young to understand why every day wasn't like that. "You're allowed to have good memories of them. It doesn't mean you have to forgive them. Even a broken clock is right twice a day." He breathed out of his nose heavily, a breath I didn't realize he'd be holding.
"I think I miss my family sometimes too." And there it was, his confession hung between us – glowing in the light of a new day. Despite everything that they'd done to him, everything he'd done to them, he missed them. I didn't fault him for it. "I miss the idea of them – the possibility of them."
"I get it." I didn't really. I had everything that Sirius dreamt of: the perfect family who believed in the goodness of people and who loved me unconditionally. But I understood what he meant, he mourned for what could have been and what he was never going to have with the people who created him.
His fingers were back on my face, this time tracing the outline of my lips with the pad of his thumb. The sadness that had been in his eyes a second before vanished and was replaced with a spark of something new. He leaned forward to close the distance between us and I met him in the middle. The kiss was soft and tender, full of hope and vulnerability. I poured my feelings into him, mourning the loss of our families, the evening before, and the 'could have beens'. I took from his lips the possibility of the future. His tender kiss offered the dreams of tomorrow, and the schematics to build something new together. The fire of potential burned through me, warming me to my core, and melting the chill that had set in while dancing in Rosier's arms.
It was over far quicker than I would have liked, but Sirius's tranquil smile made it okay. "Happy Christmas, Red."
"Happy Christmas."