December 28th, 1977
"So was it your, um, first time?" Lily whispered to me from her side of the bed. Under the cover of darkness, and with the whole of Potter Manor asleep – or at least pretending to be – we'd recapped our time apart. Through the moonlight that filtered in from the curtains I could make out her shining eyes, and bright red hair splayed out on the pillow behind her. She was nestled into the duvet, with only her hands visible as they laid on the pillow in between us. She inched just the slightest bit closer to hear my whispered response.
"No."
"Who was?"
"He was a boy called Dean." I couldn't help but smile at the memory of fumbled brushes, and heated kisses, and hands that had no real idea of where they should have been headed. "It was awful."
"With Sirius?"
"With Dean." She turned her head into the pillow to stifle her laughter.
"And how was it with Sirius?" It was my turn to bury my face in the pillow. Lily wouldn't take my silence for an answer and she inched closer, her fingertips prodding my sides which sent me further into hysterics. "I asked you a question, Ginny Cole. How was it?"
"I give, I give," I laughed as I pushed her hands away. She inched a little closer so that our foreheads were inches apart and I could make out the features of her face. She grinned at me in anticipation giving me a nod. "It was nice."
"Boring," she nudged my shoulder. "My gran is nice. The black lake is nice. Give it some detail, some brevity. Did you cum?"
"Oh for Merlin's sake."
"Was he gentle?" her eyebrows wiggled suggestively. "Firm?"
"You need help."
"Did he pin you to the mattress and have you writhing underneath him?" She threw her arm dramatically across her forehead and rolled onto her back. "Did he hold you at the edge until you positively begged him for it?"
"For Merlin's sake."
"Sirius, oh gods, yes!" She panted breathily. I grabbed my pillow out from underneath my head and sat up to give her a sharp thwack but it did little to deter her. "Oh please Sirius, harder." The laughter was bubbling up in my chest.
"Oh James, yes! Take me in the library."
"Oh Sirius, yes, you've caught me, I'm the snitch."
"Think that's a bit more of a James fantasy don't you?"
"Probably," she giggled as she fell back onto the pillow. "Come on, out with it."
"Best I've ever had."
"A lot to compare it to?"
"No," I smiled wistfully thinking of Harry who was just as unsure as Dean but always willing to learn. "I don't think he wants to do it again though."
"That's a load of horse shite. He adores you!" She turned to face me again, her fingers brushing mine on the pillow in front of her. "Do you think James-"
"Thinks about it constantly? Yes."
"He's always the gentlemen, never pushing me or asking for anything and I'm not saying that it's a bad thing – him being so kind – but I just-"
"Wish he'd bend you over and take what he wants?" she sighed and turned her head to giggle softly into her pillow.
"I've read far too many Harlequin romance novels. It can't be healthy." It was my turn to laugh into the pillow. "What was it like?"
"It was good. He was…very good. A little – I don't know – we may die tomorrow so I have to feel alive today, but I don't regret it." Lily nodded silently as she turned to stare back up at the ceiling. There was a long moment of silence as she studied to smooth plaster above us and I realized that I'd said the wrong thing. I nudged her leg with my toes under the cover and she let out a quiet sigh.
"He's really a death eater, isn't he?" Lily asked quietly.
"Who?"
"Severus."
"Yeah." In the moonlight that filtered in through the crack in the curtain, I watched as a single tear fell down her cheek.
"He was my best friend." Her whisper cut through the silence. "He grew up in the same neighborhood as me. He knew I was a witch. Caught me and Petunia one day, I was jumping off the swings and floating to the ground – accidental magic. When he told me it was like suddenly everything made sense, I wasn't a freak or scary – I was incredible. We were 9 and for two years he told me all about Hogwarts, about magic, and the Wizarding world. When Professor McGonagall came to my house to tell my parents it was the best day of my life. And when we came to Hogwarts and I didn't get sorted into Slytherin Severus was the first to comfort me, but then he made friends with Mulciber, and Avery, and Barty Crouch. Lucius Malfoy took him under his wing and he just…changed." Another tear fell down her cheek and I reached for her hand that lay between us. With our fingers intertwined she continued. "I thought we'd be friends forever, best friends. He's smart, and he can be so kind, and he's funny. He's really bloody funny. Has he made you laugh?" I shook my head no. She leaned back into the pillow in a show of sad resignation. "Then he really has changed. I'd heard him say it before, to Mary, Ryan Becknell in Ravenclaw, but he never called me one. Then fifth year, after OWLS, James and Sirius were being absolute gits – bullying him – and I tried to step in. That's when he called me a mudblood."
"Lily," I breathed, but she shook her head as she brushed it off.
"I'd been ignoring so much for so long. You can tell a lot about a person by who they surround themselves with and I should've seen it coming. I mean you should have seen what Mulciber did to Mary it was –" She stopped to shake her head again. "He apologized a million times, crying, and begging, but I just couldn't look past it anymore. If he said it once by mistake he must have always been thinking it."
"I'm so sorry."
"It was strange coming into this world. You feel like you're straddling two different planets, never quite fitting into either. Nothing is tying me to the muggle world except my parents who don't understand, and my sister who hates me. And here, I can be the best in every class, I'm the bloody head girl for Christ's sake, and yet they still think of me as less than. A filthy little mudblood."
"You're not."
"But I am in a way, aren't I?" She turned to look at me, her eyes dry but cheeks still streaked with tears. "I wasn't born into this world. Everything I am, everything I will be, I have to make for myself. I don't have a family or a vault in Gringotts. I only have my wand and my wits, and you know who wants to destroy that. Severus wants to destroy that."
"He doesn't understand what he's done."
"Severus is smart. Wickedly smart. He never makes a decision without agonizing over it for ages. He understands everything." She took a long breath bringing our hands up so they rested on the pillow in between our heads. "He told me he was in love with me." My eyes widened at the confession. "Back in October, he cornered me in the library. He told me loved me, and begged me to break up with James. When I said no it was like something broke in his eyes. I think he realized we'd never be the same then. He said a lot of things. Things about James, and Sirius, you, he told me that Remus is a werewolf."
"He what?"
"As if I hadn't put that together by third year," She scoffed.
"Does Remus know?"
"That I know? No. I didn't think it mattered."
"You're not scared of him?"
"Of Remus Lupin? The boy who's been slipping me chocolate bars while we study since first year? Hell no. Marlene took a little while to come around, Dorcas was the one who got her sorted out though. I think she has a crush on him."
"Marlene?"
"Dorcas," Lily laughed softly.
"Does everyone know?"
"Just the girls I think, I mean they weren't exactly subtle were they? Moony? I mean come on. I just hate that Severus knows and that he's using it to make Remus' life miserable. Remus doesn't deserve that." She squeezed my fingers tightly before drawing her hand away from mine. "Ginny?"
"Lily?"
"How did he look in the ballroom?"
"He looked proud." She released the breath I didn't know she was holding.
"There's really a war, isn't there?"
"Yes."
"I don't know if I can fight him."
"Voldemort?" She sucked in a soft breath at the name but shook her head slowly.
"Severus."
I let the confession lie between us knowing that nothing I say could offer her the comfort she deserved. It was another reminder that this war would only split us further, another reminder that there was still so much to do, so much to change. Snape's words played for me on repeat as if I'd heard them just now and not months ago in the fervor of battle.
"Find me there Ginny. Save me from him. Do not leave me to him, Ginny, I beg you."
He'd sent me here, he'd asked me to save him. I'd promised him I would, hadn't I? And if our conversation the day he sent me here could be believed then I'd succeeded. I had saved Severus Snape once. Now I just had to do it again.
December 31st, 1977
As the days stretched on at the Potter's I felt myself falling farther and farther into Sirius. His eyes, his smile, his touch, his everything – it drew me in and kept me there desperate for more. During the day we'd laugh with Lily and the boys, play pick-up quidditch games, and go sledding. And when no one was looking I'd catch him staring from across the room, a wicked smile crossing his face when our eyes met – never ashamed that he'd been caught. Then after the lights were out, Lily would creep toward James' room, and he'd sneak into mine and enchant me with his sweet whispers, and gentle kisses. At night it was only us, nothing beyond the door mattered. He'd murmur sweet nothings into my skin, telling me stories of the marauders, of plans for the future, he wrapped me up in his words and his fingertips. And I think I did the same for him.
He told me everything there was to know. I learned about his childhood – about the abuse dealt to him at the hands of his parents. I told him about mine – about the experience of being the baby sister of 6 boys. He told me about Regulus, the brother he tried desperately to save, and in turn, I told him about Percy, the brother I was sure I'd lost. We traded stories like chocolate frog cards. Under the warmth of the duvet, with only the light from the waning moon shining through the window, I came to know Sirius Black as he was now. And I fell.
It wasn't like falling off a cliff, it wasn't sudden and I didn't notice it right away. It was a slow descent down a hill, the decline only growing steeper with each glance, each smile, each confession. It sped up when I saw him pulling out Euphemia's chair at the dinner table every night. It sped up when he played me records by David Bowie, insistent that I have a proper muggle music education. It sped up when I noticed the way his eyebrows knit together anytime he read. I was careening down the hill, falling deeper and deeper into him with no chance of climbing out. It was nothing like Dean or Harry, it was in a league all its own. It was Sirius.
There were days that I wondered how I never saw it. Days when the distant looks from the summer before my fourth year suddenly made sense. The way he'd avoided me, stared at me, always seemed like he was on the edge of revealing something to me, it finally made sense. I was painting the picture of Sirius Black in my mind, as I knew him then and as I knew him now. For the first time since my arrival, the two pictures were becoming one. Every caress brought out the finer details. Each kiss, a freckle on his face, each smile a hair on his chin. With every confession, every revelation, every joke, I shaded him in and he came into view.
It was on New Year's Eve that I realized I was in love with him.
He'd been playing a heated game of wizards chess with Remus in the afternoon, the two of them engaged in witty banter at the other's skills while Lily and I poured over a copy of Witch Weekly. 20 years changed nothing – it was still a trash publication that has a choke hold on every witch aged 15-30. The two activities were entirely separate, and yet I found myself hanging on every word as Sirius goaded Remus into making a mistake.
"You sure you want to move there, Moony?" he drawled.
"I'm sure you're a fucking prat, Padfoot," Remus replied through gritted teeth as he moved his rook back where it started.
"So testy."
"Okay, Gin, your favorite color?" Lily asked, catching my attention back to her.
"Umm, yellow," I replied quickly.
"You're not going to win this time," Remus snapped as he moved his pawn. I saw the smirk on Sirius's face and knew that whatever move his opponent had made was exactly what he wanted.
"Sure about that Moony?"
"And your birthday?" Lily asked again. My eyes flitted over to her where she was reading the quiz thoughtfully and waiting patiently for my answer with her lip between her teeth.
"August 11th."
"Checkmate," Sirius grinned.
"No bloody way!" Remus shouted. "How? How is that? How did you- you –"
"Remus, did you lose again?" Lily looked up from the magazine to find Remus standing over the board, gesturing wildly.
"He cheated! He had to have cheated." Remus looked over at me
"I think I'm just better at chess than you are, mate." Sirius grinned back at me wickedly. I shook my head and drew my attention back to Lily.
"Next question."
"Several short holidays, or one really long one?" She asked.
"Long," I shrugged.
"You're a bloody cheat," Remus seethed as he stared down at the game wondering where he went wrong.
"Okay, multiple-choice next, choose one. Transfiguration, Potions, or Charms."
"Transfi-" I began.
"Transfiguration," Sirius had turned his attention on us, letting Remus analyze his loss in peace.
Lily quirked an eyebrow at me and I nodded that he was correct. "Wizards chess, gobstones, Quidditch, or-"
"Quidditch," Sirius interrupted. He had a glint in his eye that made me blush and his grin only got wider as he noticed it.
"If I hadn't moved my rook then-" Remus was still pouring over the board, trying to figure out how Sirius had managed to beat him.
"What's your choice of pet: owl, cat, toad, or rat?" She asked. I turned to Sirius, quirking my eyebrow at him in a dare.
"Owl," Sirius replied with a smirk.
"Maybe if I-" Remus trailed off.
"He's right," I shrugged.
"And the last one, On your perfect holiday you choose to visit: the warm seaside, a major city, a snowy cabin in the mountains, or the countryside," She looked up expectantly at Sirius. I turned my attention back to him and dared him to answer. He brought his finger up to his chin as he pondered his choice.
"The seaside," He replied calmly. "She could visit Bill." My breath caught in my throat as he said it, so sure of himself. I'd told him about Shell Cottage 3 nights ago. About the tiny little spot that overlooked the churning sea, about how I always felt safe there regardless of the wards. I told him about how I'd hated Fleur when they'd first gotten engaged, and how she'd completely shifted in my eyes after the attack. I told him about my regrets around not warming up sooner, all of the could've, should've, would'ves. I thought he wasn't listening that night, that he'd already drifted to sleep, which is why I felt so comfortable whispering it into the darkness. A wave of butterflies raced through my core as I stared into his calm blue eyes.
"You remember that?" I asked quietly.
"I remember everything you tell me, Red."
We stared at each other a while longer. Remus's musings were drowned out by the heat I felt from Sirius' gaze. The only thing that kept me from spiraling was the quirk of his head. He looked like a dog for a second, trying to figure me out. It was then that I realized it.
I love Sirius Black.
The thought didn't send waves of fear through me as I expected it to. Instead, it brought a wash of calm. My head quieted, my heart slowed, and I stared back into the pools of blue before me. He was across the room, several feet away, yet I could feel the heat from his body radiating toward me. It pulled me to him like a magnet, but I stayed in the window seat next to Lily. Our knees brushed together as a reminder that we weren't alone. Despite that, I felt as if the room was spinning with us at the center. In the flurry of the orbit, a cheeky smile broke out across his face lighting up his eyes and infecting me with a grin of my own.
"This can't be right." Lily's irritated huff ripped my attention away from Sirius and over to her.
"What?" I asked, almost breathless and blushing at everything going on inside of me.
"It says you're supposed to be a Slytherin." Sirius let out a loud barking laugh and Remus joined in, resigned to his loss.
"Ginny Cole? A Slytherin?" Sirius howled like it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard.
"Somebody toooooooooo," The off-pitched and loud voices of the marauders were raised in anthem as they drunkenly serenaded us for the third time tonight. Remus had his arm slung loosely over the shoulders of James and Sirius, while Peter kneeled in front of them using his bottle of Butterbeer as if it were a microphone.
"Sing it, baby!" Dorcas shouted from her perch by the fireplace. She, Mary, and Marlene had arrived shortly before dinner to ring in the New Year with a thoroughly obnoxious – and spirit heavy – party.
"Looooooooooove," The boys finished and the room burst into shouts, cheers, and laughter. Sirius made it a point to feign the noises of a screaming and adoring crowd, while James called for an encore. Remus was the funniest of them all as he bowed, and bowed, pretending to catch fake flowers that the invisible crowd had thrown at them.
"Get off the STAGE!" Mary heckled through her firewhiskey-induced laughter. She and Marlene were shoulder to shoulder on the couch across from the boys, from my vantage point in the large chair by the fireplace I watched as they passed the bottle back and forth throughout the night, getting drunker and drunker as we neared midnight.
"Think you could be better, MacDonald?" Sirius barked out a laugh of his own, his normally pale cheeks tinged pink from the bottle of Ogden's that lay only a quarter full on the coffee table in front of him.
"She's far better than you, Black," Marlene giggled. She glanced over at the girl next to her and gave her a soft nudge with her shoulder. "Better looking too." Marlene turned back to Sirius and stuck out her tongue, but I saw Mary stiffen ever so slightly at the other girls' praise – her cheeks reddening a bit. I took a swig of my own glass of fire whiskey as I thought over that development.
"Oh hush," Lily laughed, sitting up on her knees a bit to continue the game. "I think that makes it, Sirius' turn, right?"
"Yeah," he grinned wickedly and settled himself on the floor in front of my chair. The warmth of the whiskey coursing through my veins had taken away my inhibitions hours ago and so I let myself run my fingers through his soft curly locks. I heard him groan softly as I applied a little more pressure the way I knew he liked. He grinned up at me. "Alright, Meadowes, truth or dare?"
"Truth," She winked at him as she took another pull from her Butterbeer.
"Who do you fancy?" He asked her wolfishly and her cheeks tinged pink as her eyes flashed up to Remus who was busy opening his own bottle of Butterbeer.
"Dare."
Though I couldn't see the grin on his face, I could hear it in his voice as he replied: "I dare you to kiss the person you fancy." Her cheeks got even redder and she glared down at Sirius.
"Have to complete it, Dorcas, that's the rule," Lily nodded at the blonde-haired girl with a soft smile. Dorcas tore her eyes away from Sirius and flashed them back to Lily before nodding her head. She eyed the bottle of Butterbeer in her palm and drained the remainder of its contents for courage, then she stood up on sure legs and marched over to Remus who looked down at her with bright surprised eyes.
"What's-" Dorcas cut him off by grabbing the front of his sweater in her fist and bringing his face to hers in a firm kiss. Remus was shell-shocked as her lips touched his, and for a second I thought he was going to push her away, but then his eyes fluttered closed and the hand that wasn't clutching the Butterbeer bottle found her waist. He turned his head to the left a bit and I watched as he deepened the kiss – tentative but firm. James let out a loud wolf whistle, and Peter laughed loudly, which broke the two of them apart. Dorcas hid her red cheeks in Remus' chest, while he lifted his hand to flip the bird to his friends.
"Well alright then, Meadowes," Sirius toasted her before taking a long pull from his glass.
"You alright?" Remus murmured to the girl who still had her fist knotted in the neck of his sweater and her head buried in his shoulder. She said something I couldn't hear, but whatever it was it turned Remus' cheeks pink and he let out a nervous chuckle of his own. She slowly extracted her hand from his neckline and took a moment to fix her hair before turning to face the room again – a little pinker than before.
"My turn then?" She asked. "Alright, Ginny."
"Oh Bugger," I muttered before raising my fire whiskey in her direction and waiting for my fate.
"Truth or Dare?"
"Fuck it, dare!"
"I dare you to kiss the most attractive person in this room!" She raised her eyebrow at me in a challenge and I grinned toothily in response.
"No fun!" James shouted. "She's just going to kiss her stupid boyfriend."
"Oi!" Sirius called. "I can hear you!" Then he turned his attention to me. "Give us a kiss then, love."
"I do believe she said the most attractive person in the room, right Dor?"
"That is what I said, Gin," Dorcas grinned knowingly.
"So if that's the case," I stood up quickly and moved toward the couch where Mary and Marlene were sitting. I kissed each of them on the cheek, wet and loud as they shouted in agreement at my choice, next I moved toward Dorcas who laughed loudly when my lips met her cheek. "Oh head girl," I called in a sing-song voice as I turned my attention toward Lily.
"Bring it on, Cole," she patted her cheek expectantly. The room was wild with laughter as I scurried to her side and knelt down to sandwich her cheeks in between my palms.
"Pucker up, gorgeous," I said dramatically as I brought my lips crashing down on hers. The girls cheered loudly, accompanied by a whistle from Remus and a 'bloody hell' from Peter. When I pulled away Lily and I grinned wildly, falling back into laughter.
"I think I'll be wanking to that until I die," James remarked.
"Does Monty have a Pensieve on hand?" Sirius asked and they both shared a wicked grin.
"My turn?"
And so I dared Remus to sit on Dorcas' lap for the night, and after a lot of pink cheeks and awkward giggles they found themselves in the other armchair, then Peter chose truth, proceeding to share that if he had to pick a member of the Hogwarts staff he would sleep with Professor McGonagall, and then the game was lost from there. As the clock ticked closer to midnight I found myself sitting on Sirius' lap, his fingers twirling absent-mindedly around my hair while he laughed at James as he reminisced about his favorite prank. The rumbling of his chest against my back sent warmth coursing through me as I snuggled in closer to him to breathe in that smoky-sweet scent that always sent me spiraling.
"Come outside with me," He whispered against the top of my head. Through the warmth of the alcohol and the warmth of his body against mine I nodded.
"Where are you two off to?" Remus grinned wickedly at us as we stood. He'd left Dorcas's lap an hour ago, but they'd maintained their proximity to one another. She was lying with her head in his lap, measuring the size of his hand against hers.
"I need a smoke," Sirius shrugged as he tugged me out of the room.
"Can I bum one?" Peter called, attempting to stand and losing his balance.
"Oh Peter, maybe sit this one out, yeah?" Lily smiled at him gently. He sighed and sprawled back out on the floor beneath him as Sirius tugged me around the corner and toward the back door.
"Oh, you were serious?" I asked a little dejectedly. I'd assumed we were leaving the parlor in favor of a private corner of Potter Manor to snog in.
"I'm always Sirius, Red," he grinned wolfishly as he pushed the backdoor open gesturing me out with a flourish and a bow. I groaned.
"You might be the worst person I've ever met." He only laughed in response and pulled me into his arms as the biting winter wind sent me shivering without my cloak. I felt the heat of a warming charm on me and Sirius pulled away to stow his wand back in his pocket and pull out his package of cigarettes. As he placed one between his lips I felt a drunken lust settle in me at the image he was putting off. The wind swept his long hair, damp with sweat, behind him, and he grinned at me widely when he saw me looking.
"You're beautiful," he murmured as he snapped his fingers to light it.
"Why am I out here?" His laugh sent a cloud of smoke to the right side of my face and he used his hand to wave it away before it could hit me full on.
"Wanted a minute alone with my Red." His blue eyes sparkled in the moonlight and I couldn't stop the blush from creeping up my neck.
"Your Red, hmm?" I took a step closer to him so that our chests were nearly touching. His eyes darkened as he took another drag and turned to blow the smoke behind him. We didn't touch, leaving a sliver of space as if to dare the other to close it.
"I like to think so. Am I wrong?" His eyebrow quirked up and I reached for the cigarette in his hand, brushing my fingers along his as I did it. I brought it up to my lips and saw his eyes darken as he stared at it between them. The smoke burned this time, but I welcomed it in my drunken haze and enjoyed the headiness it brought me.
"Not wrong." I blew the smoke just past him and slowly brought the cigarette up to his lips for him to breathe in. He did as my hand brushed along the stubble on his jaw before falling back to my side. "A little presumptuous maybe."
"Maybe," he breathed and the sparkling blue of his eyes darkened again, turning nearly grey as they darted down to my lips again.
There was shouting from inside, that pulled my attention away from him to look toward the back door, someone calling for champagne to be brought out, and the shout from Lily: "One minute to midnight!"
When I turned back to Sirius the cigarette was stubbed out against the railing of the porch we stood on and he'd closed the distance between our bodies. With our chests pressed together, and the smell of something smokey and sweet mixed with fire whiskey, he circled his hand around my waist.
"Be mine," he whispered huskily.
"It's the new year, not Valentine's day, Sirius." Somehow I managed to step even closer to him, the heat of a warming charm, firewhiskey, and his swirling grey eyes making me more bold.
"You're insufferable," he groaned as the fingers around my waist tightened sending a wave of heat through my core. "Be my girlfriend."
"Wasn't I already?" I asked quietly as I brought my hand up to his neck, wrapping it around the back of it and tugging firmly at the hairs that stood there.
"10!" the countdown began inside and I felt the anticipation of the new year surrounding us. As I stared up into the swirling depths of blue and grey I felt a promise flow through my veins.
"9!"
The promise of a new beginning where I wouldn't let myself be taken advantage of anymore.
"8! 7!"
The promise of friendship, of lives that I was determined to save in any way I could.
"6! 5!"
The promise of a war I was going to help win, not one that I would watch pass me by.
"4! 3!"
The promise of a future that I would shape, and I would ensure was a world worth growing up in.
"2!"
The promise of the boy in front of me, inches from being a man, and miles from being the person I once knew. I promised him that I would die before letting him fall into that fate worse than death.
"1!"
"Happy new year, Red."
"Happy new year, Sirius."
He closed the distance between our lips, and we kissed 1978 into existence with the promise of the future within our grasp.