"...and that's all that happened..."
The orange-haired royal candidate exhaled as she finished explaining everything —in every detail—that had transpired in the last few days...
As she finished composing herself, she gazed upon the others and her sigh deepens. "Well, so much of expecting commoners to have at least a sane mind..." she internalized as she slowly shift her gaze from one person to another.
Most of the people within her room had their gazes downcasted as they were ashamed and guilty to even look at Subaru in the eye.
"Jester, mineself is parched. Deliver some finest refreshments. And some tea for the black-haired commoner," the Sun Goddess ordered the one-armed knight —who was leaning at the doorframe and crossing his arms.
If one could see under his helmet, one can observe him resisting the urge to vent out all his frustrations —not to his master— to his *bro* for everything he went through. "Damn it, if only you just run away..." the knight muttered under his breath as he proceed to do what he's instructed.
"Right away, princess..." he grunted as he turned his back— a bit surprised that Priscilla didn't kick him for his unnecessary comment earlier—which she of course heard— and how oddly calm she was to the situation—as he would have imagined that she'll basically incinerate everything for the chaotic situation their predicament is.
Priscilla massaged her eyes for a moment and continued to observe the others who are either wallowing on their sorrows, concealing their regret or hatred, or just averting their gaze to the awaken boy—whose head is spinning and processing the 'bombshell' of information laid to him.
"The main course of the interrogation will wait after he composes himself and dampens his throat. Mineself is gracious enough to be patient for that," she mused to herself as she fanned herself.
As she cools herself, she observed how the commoners are coping with the revelations she narrated to the black-haired knight...
Frederica and Ricardo were busy consoling the little ones as they cried once again after hearing the tragic and painful story the second time...
Garfiel was at the further back, leaning his hands against the wall—with some holes punched in front of him and his knuckles partly bloody for smashing the wall for remembering his immaturity and its consequences during the sanctuary part of Priscilla's re-telling.
Otto's eyes were glassy as he shifts his gaze towards the demi-human and the Royal Knights. The Vollachian noticed that the ashen-haired merchant is desperately averting his gaze to the black-haired boy— as much as possibly he can.
The said Royal Knights are in turmoil and are busy drowning in their remorse and guilt.
The cat-eared demi-human and purple-haired knight are averting their gaze toward the bed that they didn't even dare go near it—much less take a little glance at the foot of the bed.
The former wanted nothing but to go near the black-haired knight and beg for forgiveness but those eyes that are near him said otherwise—each filled with vengeful and ire. As such, he's left there standing, bowing his head low to avoid such hateful gazes towards him.
The latter—who also wanted to do the same— tried desperately to cover himself with his hands as he was truly ashamed of himself. He never felt so small in his life, as he wanted nothing but to disappear. "My failures are now laid down in front of him, what verdict shall he come to, I wonder?" he fretted as he was fully prepared for the consequences.
Reinhard was hugging a crying Felt as his eyes were empty and hollow. He stared absentmindedly at the wall but it didn't stop a few tears escaping here and there. As if to taunt him, voices echoed once again through his mind, mocking him in every chance possible.
Failure...
Useless...
Monster...
Scum...
Who'll you fail next?
Julius?
Felix?
Or...
Felt?
The Sword Saint tighten his hug with his candidate, afraid that she'll fade away— and thus joining the number of people he has to make up to from his slothfulness...
"I'm really am slothful. Never being there for you… I can never be worthy of your 'friendship', Subaru..."
Wilhelm was glaring at the floor—willing himself to bore a hole from it. The old butler bit his lip a bit too hard as a thin line of red outlined at the lower part of it. He felt that he had failed yet again. To protect and save someone dear to him.
He had failed.
"Isn't there something I can do!?" his frustrations boiling up from within as he clenched his fists so hard that some of his nails began to dig deep into his palms. "This is nothing compared to what *he* had experienced and lived through..." the Sword Demon muttered under his breath as regret and guilt prompted him to start tearing up again...
Ram was at the far corner of the room—making herself small by crouching into a ball as Roswaal is rubbing her hair and back. Gone was the prideful maid that takes no smack from anybody, the pink-haired maid was now a former shell of herself.
"Rem, please...let me make it up to you..." she internally pleaded as wanted more than anything to mend her relationship with her sister.
She can't lose her again...
She already lost her parents...
She already lost the right to befriend Subaru for all the insult and pain she did to him—both directly and indirectly...
She doesn't want to lose Rem again...
"Barusu...please...help me..." she muttered as she was lost in her self-loathing thoughts.
As her body shivered from all the guilt she's feeling, Roswaal kept on consoling her as his thoughts wandered on what possible ways this situation turn...
Will Subaru forgive them despite the "bombshell" that was laid to him?
Will he be resentful, angry, and seek retribution?
Will he try to leave and have nothing with this accursed camp?
Will he try to lie and swallow everything and shoulder these burdens—at the expense of his sanity?
Will he try to defy fate by looping until he succeeds?
As his thoughts started to pile upon his mind, a singular thought shined brightly from all of them; a singular truth that even he cannot deny...
"He seems to be in deep thought...this looks to be slightly bleak..." the greatest magician assessed as he looked at the boy—who was holding his head with his hands with his elbows positioned on his knees.
Near the bed, Anastasia, Crusch, Rem, Beatrice, and Emilia looked at Subaru as he processed everything that he learned and discovered from the past hours. Initially restraining him, they eventually loosen up as the conversation goes on—as their guilt slowly builds up as Priscilla told him everything that they have seen at the viewings—sparing no little detail as she held everyone accountable, even herself, to the poor boy's spiralling sanity.
The merchant queen and duchess looked at the others with sympathy—with the former having a growing feeling of frustration as the Emilia camp has a literal "Hoshin" that could help change their world into a better place but instead wasted his loyalty and sanity by making him die again and again with their own hands or from their inadequacy.
"He wouldn't have to experience any of this hell if he'd just stayed away from that stupid half-elf..." the lavender-haired lady ruffled her scarf to ease her annoyance from the foolish, naive, and inept silver-haired half-elf.
Crusch stared aimlessly at the side of the bed as she's lost in her thoughts. Remembering that sweet and warm smile of a certain blonde-haired prince that cherished and valued her deeply—showering her with love and affection. Of course, being a sheltered lady didn't help her realize those feelings as she assumed it was normal for friends to be that way, similar to her and Felix.
But after he was taken away from her, it was too late for her to understand those warm emotions as Fourier breathed his last. On his deathbed, she vowed to never again turn a blind eye and help whoever needed her aid.
...it's safe to say that the promise she made hasn't aged well, isn't it?
In hindsight, she had failed the deceased prince as she couldn't comfort and help her own knight from his self-loathing. Despite having no confirmation of whether the "future" already happened or not, the healer fully blames himself for all the wrongdoings his counterpart has done and as much as he wanted to make up with his mistakes, one wrong move from him and most of the people around them will assault him...
..and also, it didn't help if the said victim of his and her incompetence was so silent from all that was revealed that the suspense was killing them on how'll he react to all of these.
The green-haired noble could only hope that somehow, someway, Subaru could let them repent from their mistakes and even more.
"Please, please...I can't fail another person again...Let me...let me help you..."
Initially hugging her contractor, the Great Spirit of the Forbidden Library slowly let go when she realized that Subaru wasn't hugging her back as his arms went limp. Rem slowly carried her towards to the side, as they saw the black-haired knight's expressions morphed into different types:
Shock.
Disbelief.
Horrified.
Disgust.
Anger.
Betrayal.
...and so much more...
The blue-haired oni fully regretted not taking his hand on that fateful day on the hill. If she was greedy enough, she could have spared her Hero from any of these hardships and betrayals he had, have or would have encountered on his journey.
But instead, she denied his offer and let him face more adversity and suffering.
"What our lives could have been if I took your hand, Subaru-kun..." Rem lamented as she tries to calm Beatrice—who was still sniffling and sobbing—by rubbing her back. The poor spirit wasn't even feeling better either—as self-loathing becomes the common theme of this situation as she berates herself for not being more vigilant to her contractor's suffering—despite of the curse's concealment.
"Betty is so sorry for being so useless, in fact..." she muttered as her face buried on Rem's uniform. As much as she wants to cling on to her sweet contractor, her guilt denies her that comfort as the Vollachian reveals all of their incompetence to him—especially hers.
And the person who could top on her in being incompetent and useless is...
As much as Emilia wants to hold his hand and console him, her guilt from her own incompetence as well as from her so-called Father—which disgusts her even mentioning him—prevents her from even looking at him. She wanted to cry and hug him, pouring her heart out on how she isn't worthy to be by his side, but her regret won't let her—as if she was frozen in her place, her head bowing in shame as she waited for Subaru to say anything.
Her fear slowly builds up as she's think of any possibility this situation may go:
She wanted Subaru to be safe, be loved and be taken care of...
She wanted him to live a life safe and not full of pain and suffering...
She despised the fact that as clearly the viewing shown her incompetence both as a person and as a leader...
She wanted him to still love her…
She wanted him to still choose her...
She doesn't want him to leave her, as selfish and disgusting it was for her to acknowledge it...
With all the talk she gave to the others, now that Subaru's finally awake, Emilia was at a loss for words. There's still her desire to help and do anything that she could make up for all of her lack of action and incompetence to him—as well as her selfishness to have him by her side alone—she couldn't say the same thing for her knight. Now that he knows that they know everything too, for the first time in forever, Subaru could finally express himself.
And the thing that scared her the most is him being fed up "babysitting" her and imploding and berating every one of them, especially her camp—which was the main cause for his pain and suffering in this world. If the look on his face when he first woke up was any indicator, the half-elf has a gut feeling that it'll turn for the worst.
"Please, let me make it up for you, Subaru...please...don't leave me..."
Time passes by until Priscilla snaps her fan, jolting everyone —save for Subaru— from their own stupor. As shocked as they were, no one uttered a single word as they were both guilty and ashamed to speak up and wanted Subaru to talk first.
"So, this might be too foolish to ask, but are you alright, commoner?" the orange-haired monarch inquired as to start his mental assessment.
Slowly, Subaru raised his head and look at the rest of the cast— his hollow and empty eyes gazed at each and every one of them—as their guilt slowly raised as they found it difficult to look at him in the eye. A tired sigh escaped from his mouth as he desperately tries to compose himself for the umpteen time.
"So, you guys know about…Return by Death?"
The black-haired winced and subconsciously clenched his chest while holding his breath—as he imagined the phantom penalty of the curse. Everyone watched him with sadness, horror, and guilt while his body slightly shook and he slightly choked his breath and forcefully gasped for air.
A few minutes passed...nothing happened...
"Yes, as I told you before, the Warden showed us everything, starting from that curse of yours..." the ruby-eyed princess replied, earning nods and affirmation from the rest of them.
Subaru slowly opens his eyes and let go of his breath...
Why...
Why doesn't he feel happy about it?
Why isn't he joyful that finally, due to such bizarre circumstances, all of his pain and suffering is laid out on them?
Why does he feel like crying instead of being elated?
Why is his sorrow amplified even more and the pain he felt only worsened?
As his body starts to shake and his mind goes to overload with million thoughts and questions popping up left and right, he gave another deep sigh to calm his agitated mind and heart—letting himself set down the basic facts that he gathered about the past few days:
They know that he's from another world...
They learn about Returned by Death...
They now know and saw all of his failures and deaths...
They understand now the reason for his actions and the decisions he made...
They saw how weak he is...
Useless, incompetent, a complete failure, rotten, a nobody that's nothing special, to begin with...
Until he's given the "gift" of Return by Death—allowing him to return back in time to a certain point in past...
A fool who's desperately fighting against fate and tries his best to avoid the impending doom for every one of them.
..which led him to not value his own life…
They might see him as scum for devaluing himself and look at him as a monster...
They saw how he could manipulate time— and to an extent—could manipulate and influence any outcome he wants...
They know how his curse could be activated and be beneficial to them especially for the Royal Selection...
With this in mind, some of them may use him for their own benefit...
...or some are disgusted and see him as some crook in the royal process…
A swindler who tricked his way to have the glory and praise of all of his "achievements"...
They know about his "connection" with Satella...
...as well as his promise to her...
That alone disgusted them as he's literally linked to the greatest evil to this world...
That in itself is a grave offence to the kingdom...
...at minimum, it can qualify him to be arrested and sent to jail...
...at maximum, it's a death sentence...
...a death sentence of him getting beaten up, tortured, and ultimately, killed...
...
...
...wait a minute...
...did any of those really happen!?
The last memory he had was him, Emilia, and Beatrice had a heartful banter on a carriage towards Pristella...
Him and his friends...
Until a bright light blinded them and the next thing he know was he woke up in this strange place...
..and each and every one of their faces filled with despair, sadness, guilt, and fear...
Subaru knows already that they shouldn't know his curse but now the cat's out of the bag, he wonders what he should say to them. It wasn't their fault, that they couldn't have known any of these failed lives of his...
...on how useless, powerless, and disgusting he must have been in their eyes...
Maybe this is just some ploy for him to be arrested— as being a possible dangerous threat as both as a link and his promise to save Satella.
A set-up where everyone is in it and the time has finally come for him to receive his punishment...
...
...
...
...so in the end, he'll be always be left alone, right?
...to be subjected to cruel punishments that only he have to endure, survive and die again and again?
...to be all alone, no one to run to and be comforted, and left to rot in hell?
Was it wishful thinking in the first place that maybe, just maybe, he could believe that the people he likes and love, also love him back?
...what is he supposed to do?
Despair and hopelessness once again overpowered him, washing away what little hope he had left. Was he so desperate to see any way to escape his harsh fate? To believe that there's a place for him in their lives?
Could he put his trust and faith in them like what he believes them to be?
...could he have his happy ending?
...
...
...
..no...
...he didn't deserve it...
...and as proof, every one of them hurt, killed, murdered him without even knowing his affiliation with the witch...
Even Beatrice, his own contracted spirit, told them about his self-harm tendencies...
...so now that they know, who's to say they'll do even worse than they already did to him?
...
...
...
"...can I have a moment alone for a while?" Subaru pleaded as he broke the chilling silence of the atmosphere. He really wanted to think about everything that Priscilla told him and based on the reactions of his friends and allies, it seems that the orange-haired royal candidate wasn't lying either.
"Unless we can be assured that you'll not pull that stunt again, we cannot comply with that request, Natsuki-kun. I'm sorry." Anastasia replied as she gave a long tired sigh.
"W-what do you mean? I-i didn't do anything yet..."
"Subaru, please..."
Reinhard forced himself to look him in the eyes despite being ashamed and a bit disgusted with himself. As much as he's confused about what they mean, the red-haired knight suspects what it was...
"R-really, I-i'll be f-fine...I j-just want to s-sort my thoughts, t-that's all...see? I-i'm okay..." stuttering due to his nervousness, he tries to be as convincing as possible.
"Subaru...why?"
"Why what, E-Emilia-tan?"
"Why are you lying to us?"
"I'm not! I'm really telling the truth..."
"...why are you pushing us away?"
"I-i'm not! You guys are j-just overthinking. S-seriously, what's with you guys?"
"...THEN WHY DID YOU RESET!?"
Subaru was at a loss for words as Emilia blurted out the same thing he suspected. Despite them "watching" his life, they shouldn't know whether he looped or not...
So how?
How did they know?
"I didn't-"
"LIAR! If you didn't die, then why did Rem and Beatrice notice that the miasma is getting thicker!?"
"Ghk!"
"Why did they scream in horror when they slammed the door wide open and scrambled towards you!?"
"..."
...
...
...
"Why? Why are you keep pushing away from us? We already know everything...we know that you died so...so many times...all because of our mistakes...mostly from me."
"So why...why, why won't ask for us for help?"
Emilia sobbed as she despaired wanted to help, console, ease his burdens but her knight was stubborn enough to deny her. As a faint light of hope starts to shimmer within the dark abyss of her soul, it immediately was crushed with Subaru's haunting reply.
In his part, Subaru wanted to say:
"It wasn't your fault."
"Only I should suffer from any of this.."
"You shouldn't know any of this..."
But something welled-up within him and prevent him to assure them it wasn't their fault. The sheer uselessness of the situation as it really doesn't matter if they now know about his ability or not.
...because in the end, he'll be the only one who can experience the pain, suffering, and the horrific hell of each of his deaths.
Even though they now know, what's the point of it once they leave this place? Would that still hold when they themselves will not know when he'd already looped and returned from death?
...
...
...
So...
...
...
...
"Because there's no point of it..."
"I want to save all of you, and even if you did see what happened to me—both at the failed loops and the real ones—what's the point? Will it change anything that already happened? Would it wash away the invisible pain and suffering that I have in me?"
"And now that you guys know, what'll you do? Restrain me? Keep me under watch so that I'll not die? Choke me with constant surveillance?"
"What do you want me to say? I'm sorry I cannot say anything because a shadow hand will crush my heart if I do? Thank you that now you understand me and you'll 'save and help me' by not putting me in danger?"
"I really, really, really want to say it wasn't any of your guys' fault. That you shouldn't know any of this stuff. That it was all because of Return by Death I survived..."
"But now that I think about it, all of this trauma wouldn't happen if I don't keep on dying—again and again."
"So please tell me, Emilia-tan. What's the use of me asking for help if it's the one's ask I'll that will either torture, attack, or straight-up murder or get me killed?"
"Even fucking Reinhard is ALWAYS not around most of the fucking time when something bad would happen."
"Even if you guys know, what's the point when once we leave this place, you guys will be blind whether or not I've looped or not.."
"How can I trust any of you when even Beako broke her promise not to tell anybody anyone of my self-harm and scars!?"
"How can I put my faith in you guys when in the end, Julius, Felix, Ram, or maybe any one of you will stab me in the back and kill me?"
"Roswaal's been using me in order to achieve his goals. Who's to say that even Crusch, Anastasia, Felt, or Priscilla won't do the same?"
"So please tell me...what's the point?"
Emilia was stunned as Subaru vented out to her his complicated situation—further breaking her heart once again. As he kept on going, his words pierced her soul as it implied her uselessness to take care and save him from his sorrows. The way he looked at her only amplified her guilt and failures...
As he vented, he looked at them with hollow eyes void of any light and hope...
He was so tired of bottling up his emotions...
He really doesn't want to hurt them...
But…
He's tired...
He wanted to just end this farce and let out all his cries of anguish and pain from his patched-up heart and soul.
Subaru looked at Priscilla with glassy eyes and sighed. "Well, if it is what it is, then I guess I should at least know what's going to happen," he thought as he tried to steel himself from his anxiety and paranoia.
"So, what are you going to do to me? Am I going to be arrested and be thrown in jail? Or be killed?" the black-haired struggled to finish his sentence as he wraps himself to stop his shaking body.
As soon as he said those words, everyone's eyes immediately direct themselves to him. Shock and disbelief were plastered on all of their faces as they couldn't believe what he was saying...
"No, no, no! No one's going to arrest you, Subaru, I will not allow it!" Emilia fretted as she desperately wants to assure him that they're here for him and no one will hurt him...
"Subaru-kun, your Rem is here...we are all here for you..." the blue-haired oni added as she doesn't want to separate from him ever again—Gluttony be damned...
"Betty is here, in fact...I will not let anyone go near you. So please, don't leave me, I suppose..." the Great Spirit howled as she tries to crawl back to the bed to try to hug her contractor—desperate for his warmth...
As they try to bring their hopes up, it was completely destroyed by Subaru as he answered with a voice that has lost all hope...
"I don't believe that'll be the case." Subaru muttered as he looked downcasted and stared at the floor apathetic…
"Why, don't you have any faith in any of us?" Garfiel asked in bewilderment, as he was hurt by what his captain said—not that he'd blame him for it. Besides, he did attack him in one of the failed loops due to suspiscion and the witch's miasma...
"...yes.." Subaru sighed as he didn't return Beatrice's hug and let his arms dangle at the sides.
"Why? Surely you dont believe that we'll do it in the 'future', right? Otto uttered as he desperately grasped on to save his brother.
"With everything you have seen, I can safely assume that atleast you know what that future holds for me?"
"No, we wouldn't..."
"Don't give me that bullshit! You saw EVERYTHING! You saw how I'm cursed by Satella, the literal devil in your world! A world that I was harshly transported to against my will!"
"A world that constantly wants me to die but because of Return by Death, I can't stay dead!" No skill, talent, power, anything!!! Just my heart and this ability to redo!"
With that Subaru looked at every one of them with anguish and pain in his voice and heart.
"I tried, so hard...I tried, so much...to save all of you despite being killed, abandoned, murdered, frozen, slashed, gutted, beated up, thrown away, and left bleeding and alone...,"
"All on a simple hope that maybe, just maybe, I have a place with you guys...a future that I could be included in..."
"But it isn't the case... Isn't it?"
"In the end, I'll always be alone...to always suffer and die..."
"Satella was wrong...No one really loves me as much I love you guys..."
"When you think about it, only Satella helped me unconditionally all this time as she prevented me from dying permanently and fixed up all of your fuck ups, all the while you are none the wiser..."
"So please, tell me, what are you going to do to me now that you know that I'm somewhat connected with the Witch of Envy? How I promised to save her, no matter what?"
"Are you going to do what those 'viewings' indicated?"
"Will you use me as a tool like Roswaal?"
"Torture me because I'm 'evil' like Felix, Julius, Ram and Rem!? Will you spite me because of a curse I didn't ask for and let Reinhard kill me!?"
"Use me to your advantage in this stupid election, to further your plans like Crusch, Anastasia, or Felt?"
" I tried...so hard...to ask for your help...only to be killed and betrayed by the ones I love and cherish the most...my fragile heart cannot take it anymore...cracked and broken as it is...I really...really...want to die and rest already..."
...
...
...
...
...
"So please...let me die already..."
Author's note:
Hello everyone.
So...
This chapter is sitting on my archives for almost 4 months now. The main reason is that I wanted to end this story in 4 chapters. But as I write this chapter, I realized it would be too bulky for me to write all that I want to on just one chapter...
...and so, yes, their still be a next chapter to this one.
So much of saying that this is the "last chapter", is it not? Hehehe
First, I want to apologize for delaying this chapter's release dute to my standard to wanting to deliver the most optimal story I can create. But then, I decide to just relax and write that things I want to write to this story, and I really, really hope you guys like it :)
Second, thank you so much for everyone for the constant support for me being as a writer. I really cannot believe that there are people that love my stories: from my one-shots, to Endy, MLG, and Cracked Heart.
I hope you guys enjoy this chapter and please leave a comment and like and tell me what you think of this chapter. Again, I hope you guys like it :)
I wamt to thank all my friends at Reactionist's discord server as well as Reactionist for his support as well. Thank you for creating a community that prompted me to make new friends from different avenues in life. I love you guys so much.
Third, the next chapters in my stories make take too long for me to update due to IRL stuff (work and stuff) so please continue to be patient with me.
Again, thank you so much and I hope to see you again in the next chapter. Take care.
Hope you like it?