I do not own RWBY. When in doubt, whip it out. Except in front of Blake. Then keep it in. And lock it up. Even then you probably won't be safe.
Immortal
Chapter 9: Have a Day (Morning)
"... and the winner, of Remnant's 51st Platinum Chef competition is... Jaune Arc!" Cheers erupted from the audience as the young blond man stepped forward, dressed immaculately in a white chef's outfit, his hat tucked neatly underneath his arm as he gave a low bow. Next to him, a black haired man (strangely with a magenta stripe in his hair for reasons Jaune couldn't explain) raised a hand, quieting the audience. "With this, I am proud to present to you the Platinum Knife, as a token of your astonishing technique in the culinary field. Do you have any words for our viewers?"
Jaune gave the crowd a smug smile. "Well, I must admit, the competition was fierce this year, but I owe it all to my Filet Mignon with Bearnaise sauce. I've worked long and hard to perfect my craft, and I'm glad to see that such effort has paid off. I'd like to thank my seven sisters, for always supporting me, my father for giving me advice when I needed it, and my grandfather for giving me even better advice." Jaune flashed the audience a smile, knowing his father was watching, "Sorry old man, but you have to agree, old Grandpa Arc is the wisest person we know."
Jaune's mountain of a father grinned widely, nodding in agreement. The host of the show (why did he look so familiar?) turned to him. "Well said! What happens to be your plan after winning the Platinum Knife?"
"Well, I'm hoping to open up my own restaurant, The Golden Goliath, and serve the highest quality and most delicious meals that any palate would be happy to partake of." Jaune flashed another smile, amidst the cheers of the audience.
"Wonderful! We're all looking forward to seeing your restaurant open soon! For a short term reward though, please, allow us to introduce you to your next reward; a date with Pyrrha Nikos!" The host (wait, REN?!) cried out triumphantly.
"Wait, WHAT?" Jaune asked, eyes widening in terror. A pair of arms suddenly wrapped themselves around his chest and the smell of 'girl' filled his nostrils. His gaze flickered to the side to see locks of bright red hair draped over his shoulder.
"Jaaaaauuuuunnnneeeee..." Pyrrha singsonged in his ear, causing him to shudder (though whether from fear, arousal or something else entirely he wasn't sure). "Are you ready for your real reward?"
"R-r-r-real r-reward?" Jaune asked shakily, face going pale.
"Yes Jaune... now, let's make a baby..." Pyrrha whispered huskily before nibbling on his earlobe.
Jaune's eyes shot open in abject terror (or was it arousal?) and-
[Beacon – JNPR Dorm Room]
Jaune's eyes flew open, staring up at the ceiling of the dorm room, and softly groaned. Damn it! I was enjoying that dream until that happened… the young blond man sighed and closed his eyes again, putting his arms underneath his pillow, supporting his head. He just wanted to get back to sleep, and forget about the molestation in his dream. He took a deep breath, stretched his back and held his arms tighter around his sleeping partner, letting himself relax.
…
He froze.
Wait a minute... I don't own any stuffed animals... in fact, this doesn't feel like a stuffed animal at all... wait, is that 'girl' I smell? Jaune slowly opened his eyes again and looked downward, his entire body stiffening upon what he viewed.
With her arms clutching him and an extremely contented smile on her lips, was Pyrrha. Jaune groaned inwardly, letting go of her. Dust damn it, Pyrrha! His thoughts drifted back to the previous day and he ran a hand over his face. Right. She said she moved around a lot, didn't she? Maybe we should change the room layout a bit. Either that, or I need to find some sort of way to keep her out of my bed.
Pyrrha's arms hugged him a little tighter, her smile growing. "Jaune~..." she moaned happily in her sleep.
You know, she's kinda cute when she's asleep- NO! She's coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs! Remember what Grampa Arc always said! 'Never stick your dick in crazy'! I'm fairly certain that also includes sleeping with, dating, or anything of the sort! I need to get out of here. Jaune waited until Pyrrha's arms slowly loosened their grip on him, and he began the arduous task of attempting to free himself from the clutches of his, admittedly attractive, partner without waking her up. This however, was a task easier said than done, and he found himself spending what felt like an eternity slowly inching his body out from her arms.
It took in actuality about twenty minutes for him to finally get down to head level with Pyrrha's chest, ready to pull his head away, thoughts of a nice shower and some early breakfast already beginning to cheer him up.
If you've been reading this however, you know that life seems to enjoy shitting all over poor Jaune, and at the most comically entertaining moments.
At that very moment, Pyrrha had decided to tighten her grip on Jaune once more, still slumbering peacefully. This action had the unintended, or merely subconscious, consequence of shoving Jaune's face directly into her cleavage.
The action happened so quickly that Jaune didn't even have the chance to cry out in shock, instead finding himself being pushed tightly into the softest, warmest, most lovely pair of- AGH! NO! BAD LIBIDO! Jaune chastised himself, eyes widening. Damn it Pyrrha, do you have to leave the top buttons of your pajamas unbuttoned when you sleep! Crap, I can't move my head! I'm stuck! For the love of Oum, Pyrrha, let me go! Come on, you can't tell me you can't feel this!
Pyrrha gave a giggle, still slumbering. With the tone that only those still fast asleep could speak in, Pyrrha softly replied, "Oh Jaune, you naughty boy... you make me a very virtuous Goddess..."
Jaune groaned (the sound muffled by Pyrrha's prodigious bosom) and his mind raced as he attempted to figure out how to extricate himself from the embarrassing (if slightly enjoyable) position he was in. Hearing Pyrrha's soft giggles and little moans wasn't doing him any favors either; and it was becoming increasingly hard to ignore just how attractive his partner actually was. Think Jaune, think! Do not let Pyrrha's supple, firm, yet soft body distract you! Just because she has such smooth, unblemished skin, such lovely soft- AGH! NO! THINK DAMN IT!
Unfortunately before his brain could wrest control from his libido, Pyrrha's grip tightened further, forcing Jaune's face even deeper against her chest, almost purring in enjoyment. Jaune felt some semblance of relief, mainly because his libido became quashed. However, this was far overshadowed by a sudden dread due to the reason his libido went quiet: He couldn't breathe. Pyrrha was pushing his face so tightly against her chest that it became less pleasant and more suffocating.
"Mmmf!" Jaune tried to catch her attention, but Pyrrha still slumbered away happily, her mind gone off to places we should not in fact follow.
Crap. This isn't good... I could try shaking her awake, but that might end up being exceedingly embarrassing for the both of us. Or even worse, she might actually try to attempt a repeat of my dream… Jaune shuddered. Damn it, I can't breathe... this is going to be the most embarrassing death ever. Who ever heard of someone dying from suffocation in your partner's breasts? Pyrrha, let go! I do not want to die like this! For the love of Oum, someone save me!
As if the ear of Oum himself was listening in, a sound caught Jaune's attention: a familiar giggle. He wanted to turn his damn head, but Pyrrha seemed bound and determined to keep his face against her pillowy chest as tightly as she could. Though he didn't really need to; he knew already whose giggle it was.
Nora's.
Jaune's breath became slower and shallower, and his hand reached to the side to the bed, smacking the mattress in order to signal a tap out, praying that Nora would get the hint and give him a hand before he passed out and died of too much boobs.
"Teehee! Ren, look! Pyrrha's so forward! Do you think they're gonna boop? We should leave so they can boop." Nora giggled again, merrily.
NO! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!
Jaune began to hit the side of the mattress harder, trying desperately to signal his distress. Luckily for him, Ren seemed to notice and cleared his throat. "Nora, I don't think that's the case. I think Jaune's trying to tap out."
"Oh, you mean like you do when I accidentally-" Nora started
"Yes. Yes he is." Ren sighed. "Pyrrha!"
Pyrrha gave a muffled noise and only hugged Jaune harder, like a beloved stuffed animal. "Mrrrff!"
"Pyrrha!" Ren spoke up again.
Pyrrha's green eyes slowly flickered open and she yawned. "Oh... is it morning already?" Pyrrha asked, still sleepy enough to not realize she was clutching her partner tightly.
"Pyrrha, I think Jaune's having difficulty breathing." Ren replied, the ghost of a wry smile flitting around his lips.
Pyrrha blinked and looked down in confusion. Her face slowly broke out into a smile as she noticed Jaune, face first in her breasts. I knew he couldn't resist! Are you enjoying yourself, love? Pyrrha turned back to Ren, still smiling widely. "Oh, nothing to be concerned about. Jaune's just enjoying himself."
Ren deadpanned. "Pyrrha?"
"Yes, Ren?" Pyrrha asked, her tone just a little more irritable than before, annoyed that the man was interrupting her and Jaune's special time together.
"I think he's trying to tap out." Ren pointed to Jaune's hand, which was starting to slow in its thumps, as though its owner was currently losing consciousness.
Pyrrha looked down once more, and her emerald eyes widened in realization, letting quickly go of Jaune. "I'm sorry!" She cried out.
Jaune rolled over and hit the floor, coughing and breathing heavily. "I can breathe! Dear sweet Monty Oum, I can breathe!" Jaune shouted on his hands and knees. Slowly, he picked one hand up off the floor and pointed at Pyrrha, his face still facing the floor. "YOU!"
Pyrrha sat nervously and looked around, unable to meet Jaune's gaze. "I... I'm sorry..." she hung her head as dejectedly as she could, looking as absolutely miserable as she could at the same time. Of course, if anyone saw inside her head, they'd notice she wasn't feeling the least bit guilty, and was, in fact, trying to get Jaune to forgive her merely so that she could hold Jaune so close again.
"You... need to sleep in your own bed!" Jaune huffed, clutching his chest. "My heart can't take much more of this..." he finished with a whimper, eyes wide.
His heart? Oh Jaune, just admit it, you love me! Pyrrha couldn't help but smile down at Jaune, her gaze dreamy and out of focus. It was only the deep sigh of Lie Ren that brought her back to reality.
"Pyrrha. Whatever you're thinking, you're probably wrong."
"And how would you know?!" Pyrrha snapped at him, crossing her arms irritatedly. Blasphemer!
"Because Nora does the same thing to me all the time, and I personally prefer breathing. I need to do it to live, and while Jaune can bounce back, I'm sure death isn't something he looks forward to." Ren explained calmly.
"THANK YOU!" Jaune shouted from his spot on the floor.
Pyrrha actually pouted, arms still crossed. "Hmph. Fine."
Ren walked forward and offered a hand to Jaune, who gripped it and let Ren help him to his feet. "Thanks."
Ren nodded. "Don't mention it. I've been in your position with Nora more times than I can count."
Jaune grimaced. "How the hell do you survive?"
Ren gave a wry smile. "I've learned where to pinch Nora so she actually wakes up."
Nora crossed her own arms and pouted. "Pinching my nipplies hurts, Ren!"
"... really?" Jaune fixed Ren with a deadpan expression.
Ren returned Jaune's look with one of his own. "When you're suffocating in your friend's bosom, you do what you can to survive."
"... fair enough."
[Beacon Academy – Cafeteria]
Blake was upset. Here she was, poking at her tuna sandwich (she was surprised they were actually serving such a thing for breakfast, but she wasn't going to complain) when she should have been having someone poking at her tuna sand-er, taco. That someone being a certain blond knight who captured her attention the day before. It was odd. She was never one to focus on one man at a time, but there was something about Jaune that had captured her attention. Maybe it was his lovely figure? Maybe it was his charming and charismatic personality (remember, Blake-o-vision™?)? Whatever the reason, Blake was depressed. The previous day she had waited, in the correct position, for Jaune to come by and, how was it he put it?
"When this day is done, I plan to spend the rest of the day locked in the library, going down on Blake until everything I taste from then on tastes faintly of her..."
Butno, instead she spent the entire day waiting for him, doing nothing and having to enjoy herself. Her bow was flat against her head as she pouted, poking at the sandwich some more.
"Aw, what's got you down Blake?" The cat-girl looked up and frowned as her blond partner approached with a grin. "Come on, I'm just worried about my partner." Yang's smile became warmer and she rubbed Blake's back.
Despite herself, Blake gave a low, rumbling purr. "It... it's nothing."
"Oh, no it's not. Come on, talk to me!" Yang replied.
"I... got stood up."
Yang punched the table angrily. "Stood up?! Who the hell would stand you up?! Are they blind?"
Blake gave a little blush. I'm not much for girls but... I can make an exception for her... maybe her AND Jaune? "T-thanks Yang." Blake picked up her sandwich and took a large bite. Yang had apparently grabbed herself a breakfast burrito and started on it as well. As they ate, Ruby, Weiss, Pyrrha, Ren and Nora all approached the table, all carrying their varying breakfasts. Unsurprisingly, Weiss had apparently decided to choose the healthiest breakfast imaginable, while Nora had a stack of pancakes so large that it was threatening to fall over with every step she took. Ruby's plate was-
"Ruby? Why is your plate nothing but cookies?" Yang's voice was strained, and she was affixing her little sister with a stern look.
"Ehehehe..." Ruby nervously laughed, scratching the back of her neck. "I...it's a cookie based cereal?"
"Ruby?" Yang frowned deeper.
"... fiiiiine." Ruby pouted and walked off with her plate of cookies, trying to stealthily eat them before she got to the breakfast line.
"HEY! YOU BETTER NOT BE EATING ALL OF THOSE ON YOUR WAY BACK!" Yang yelled after Ruby.
"Awwwww!" Ruby pouted as she hung her head, mourning the loss of her favorite food.
As Ruby made her sad, slow way back to the breakfast line, Yang turned back to Nora, Pyrrha and Ren. "Hey, where's Vomit Boy?"
Pyrrha frowned. "I'm not sure. He said he'd be meeting us for breakfast after he finished his shower."
Ren nodded in agreement. "He should be here by now. I wonder what's taking him?"
[Beacon Academy – Teacher's Lounge]
"Bart, I'm just saying, I think there's a reason as to why no student has ever passed your class." A large portly man with the most magnificent mustache on Remnant spoke in a low, bass rumble. Sitting across from him, a thin, wiry man with green hair and thick, coke bottle glasses shook his head silently. "I'm not saying that you don't know your material, you've proven that you know more than any of us on more than one occasion. I'm just saying, you should really consider finding a teaching aide, someone who can do the class work for you so the students aren't confused by your... er... condition."
"Peter," one Professor-er, Doctor Bartholomew began, "I would never hire an aide! I refuse to miss out on personally filling the minds of the youth with the history of Remnant myself! I also do not have a condition! I am the picture of perfect-..." interrupting the middle of his rant, Oobleck's head suddenly drooped, and a soft snoring could be heard coming from the wiry professor.
Peter Port sighed and shook his head, munching on a croissant he'd attained that morning, washing it down with a cup of coffee. Oobleck continued to snooze softly, his chin resting on his chest. Seconds ticked by. Then minutes as Port continued to eat his breakfast and sip his coffee. The door opened up and in stepped the familiar face of one Glynda Goodwitch.
"Ah, Glynda!" Port greeted her with a jovial smile. "How is your morning?"
The disciplinarian gave a thin lipped smile. "I... it's been better."
Port frowned and started to speak up, ready to ask what was the problem, when Oobleck's head shot up and his voice beat him to the punch. "... and that's why Christmas was invented!"
The lounge went silent for a few moments before Port sighed again. "Bart, I couldn't follow your thought process."
Oobleck frowned. "I don't know how I could have made it any clearer!" The green haired professor paused and looked up at Glynda, his face a mask of confusion. "Glynda! When did you get here?"
The blond woman sighed and took a seat next to the two. "When you were having a nap, Oobleck."
"I am not narcoleptic!" Oobleck shouted.
"You fell asleep in mid conversation."
"If I fell asleep, it's because of you and your boring stories!"
Port's eyes widened. "B-b-b-BORING?!"
Oobleck's eyes widened and he shook his head. "I... I'm sorry Port, I didn't mean it. But I am not narcoleptic!"
"Bart, I've showed you video evidence of you falling asleep in mid conversation. It's not bad enough you do that, but then you end up somewhere else from where you began. People can't follow your train of thought because it goes on while you're asleep!" Port shook his head. "Bart, we're not saying you shouldn't be a teacher-"
"Speak for yourself." Glynda muttered, using her telekinesis to make herself a mug of her favorite tea.
"-But we still think you should change your teaching habits so students can pass your class!"
"Students do!" Oobleck argued back.
"Student" Port emphasized the lack of plural. "And the only reason she passed is because she literally managed to luck out and guess correct answers during her final."
The green haired man's face fell and he slumped in his seat. "Am I really that bad?"
"Well, I think that bad is a relative term, I mean I've had difficulty with-" Peter's voice trailed off as the door to the teacher's lounge opened up again, but instead of Ozpin stepping in, as he expected, a young blond male stepped in, whistling cheerfully to himself. "Erm... excuse me?" Peter spoke up, trying to get the young man's attention.
Glynda suddenly winced and recoiled away from the young blond as he turned to the table, giving a cheerful wave. "Ah, hello!"
Port's face twisted in confusion. "Who...who are you?"
"You do understand that this is the teacher's lounge, right?" Oobleck added, fixing his glasses as his eyes narrowed.
"My name is Jaune Arc! This is the teacher's lounge, you say?" Jaune asked, tilting his head and smiling as though he hadn't a worry in the world.
Port frowned. "Yes, Mr. Arc, this is the teacher's lounge, which means you must leave at once."
Jaune put his finger to his chin as if deep in thought, then, with a great, shit-eating grin, shook his head. "Nope. Don't think I will." The sheer audacity of the situation stunned both Port and Oobleck into silence, leaving them sitting with their mouths agape. Glynda on the other hand gave a small squeak, and Jaune turned to her, cocking an eyebrow. "Are you okay?"
The older blond woman looked absolutely terrified, her face pale as a sheet. She suddenly reached out onto the table, grabbing a shaker of salt and pouring its contents onto her hand before tossing the salt at Jaune. "G-g-g-g-get b-b-b-back!" Glynda squeaked, her entire expression uncharacteristically scared.
"W-what'd I do?" Jaune asked, confused. "What are you doing? St-stop that!" Jaune slightly recoiled as the Headmistress kept tossing salt at him, raising his hands slightly. "Come on... stop that, you're getting salt all over my shirt..."
"B-by the p-power invested in M-Monty Oum… B-begone, undead!" Glynda shouted, eyes wide.
"I'm not a zombie!" Jaune replied, his face exasperated. "I'm as alive as you are! And stop throwing salt on me! I don't want to have to do laundry again this early in the morning!" Jaune backed off, trying to avoid the salt, instead choosing to dig through the cabinets within the teacher's lounge for a coffee mug and a small cup of instant coffee, working the coffee machine that had been installed in an age long past.
"M-m-mister Arc!" Port managed to recover from the strange situation he found himself in, at least enough to be able to chastise the young man. "If you continue to act in such a manner, I will be forced to discuss this with Ozpin!"
Jaune whistled while he made himself a cup of coffee, turning to Port with an ear to ear smile. "Oh, you will? Excellent!"
"Mr. Arc! Insubordination of this caliber will be met with possible expulsion!" Oobleck added, standing to his feet with an angry glower.
"Ooh, goody!" Jaune smiled, removing the cup of coffee from the machine, bringing it to his nose and giving it a sniff. "Mmm, nice blend."'
Another voice spoke up from the doorway, both somehow bored and mischievous. "Ignore him. Mr. Arc is just trying to get kicked out of Beacon on purpose." Jaune turned to the voice with a death glare as Ozpin walked into the room, a mug of steaming coffee in one hand, and his cane in the other, his usual mysterious smile gracing his features.
"Wait he's trying to get kicked out?" Oobleck asked, his glance flickering between Jaune and Ozpin.
"Well, why not just quit then Mr Arc-" Port started, then stopped, realization hitting him. "Jaune, would your mother happen to be Vio-" Port was cut off abruptly when Jaune seemed to just appear next to him, eyes wide in fright, frantically covering the portly teacher's mouth.
"DON'T SAY HER NAME! She can hear you!" Jaune's eyes were wide in a panic and terror that put Glynda's to shame.
Port's face was oddly understanding and when Jaune removed his hand from his mouth, the mustached man speaking up again. "Ozpin, don't you think we can waive the parent contact rule for Mr. Arc? I mean, the lad is... 17? 18?"
"Seventeen." Jaune confirmed.
"Exactly. You and I were out on our own at that age! Why not let Mr. Arc free then?"
Ozpin shook his head. "I'm sorry, I can't bend the rules."
Port frowned and raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "Ozpin, you outright break rules all the time."
Ozpin's face broke out into a smile as he took a sip of his coffee. "Sorry, but I'm afraid I won't be breaking this one. If Mr. Arc wants to leave, I have to tell his parents."
Jaune glared. "Oh yeah? Well... I'm drinking your coffee! What now?!"
Ozpin's smile became even more trollish. "Oh? Didn't you know that over 30% of the school's budget goes to coffee? I hope you do enjoy the teacher's blend, it's a personal favorite of mine."
There was silence as Jaune angrily took a sip of the coffee, admitting that it was, indeed, a damn good cup of coffee. That still didn't stop him however, from lowering the cup of coffee and muttering his usual phrase for having to deal with Ozpin.
"Fuck you, Ozpin."
As his colleagues fixed him with looks of shock and surprise, (and Glynda a look of pleading to save her from the unholy, blond terror drinking coffee in the lounge with them) Ozpin took a sip of his own coffee, savoring the taste. Then;
"Rude."
Author's Note: Sorry for the delay, AGAIN! I've been distracted by life, as per usual and I've finally managed to get some time to sit down and crank out another chapter. Over 1000 followers? A FANFIC RECCOMENDATION ON TVTROPES?! (By the way, a super special shoutout to magictoaster for the generous offering) I wasn't ever expecting Immortal to be THIS popular, but there you have it! I hope to have many, many more chapters in the future, with all sorts of insanity and zaniness!
And remember to leave a review!
(This chapter has been Beta-read by Maxaro!)
By the way, do you enjoy writing, but find ideas hard to come by? Do you like the ideas I have up on my profile page and would like to see them sooner, rather than later? Well, I'm looking for someone who'd enjoy collaborating with me on a particular work (anything that isn't the Legend of Zelda fic or the OC fic). I can help give whoever I'm working with a basic storyline with events, and you guys can fill in the rest as you see fit! Just shoot me a PM with the title being the fic idea you'd like to help work with me on, and we can discuss things from there! Oh, and I plan on adding some new ideas to the page as well (because I have TOO many of them!).