I do not own RWBY. Like a bad rash that you can never quite seem to get rid of, it's:

Immortal

Chapter 11: Have A Day (Evening)

[Beacon Academy – Team JNPR Dorm Room]

"What the hell am I looking at?"

Jaune looked down at the piece of stationary in his hands, his face twisted in a mixture of confusion and terror. Ren looked over his shoulder and he frowned deeply. "Well, I'll tell you what you're not looking at: Something sane."

The object, or objects, in question were a couple sheets of flower printed sheets of stationary filled with writing. Jaune had found the sheet placed atop his pillow in their dorm room when he had gotten back from Ooblecks' class (which Jaune left early when Oobleck fell asleep) and wondered if perhaps Pyrrha had left him a note. However, if she had, he was now terrified shitless of his partner. The first letter wasn't that bad. In fact, he'd downright call it romantic at first. It talked about how the writer found Jaune to be brave, kind and handsome, and how they fell in love with him at first sight. Jaune wasn't really the type to believe in such things (life had beaten such concepts out of him by this point) but he still appreciated the feelings as they were. The person had even ended the letter with the words, 'I love you.' Jaune couldn't help but feel a little warm and fuzzy after reading that.

Then he got to the second page.

It was nothing but line after line of the same three words repeated ad nauseum. 'I love you'. Over and over and over and over and over again. Even worse, while the first few lines were neatly written, if repetitive, the next few began to grow sloppier and more twisted until Jaune could barely read the ink (he prayed it was just ink) from how scrawled it was. A small part of Jaune laughed at how cliché the whole 'crazy stalker', angle was from this whole thing, but it was overshadowed by the much larger part of him that was silently screaming at Ozpin for allowing such people to join Beacon in the first place. 'Crazy Stalker' was bad enough, but 'Crazy Stalker-who-is-also-a-Huntress' was even worse!

"I... I just..." Jaune sighed, his hand going limp. "What on Remnant even is my life?"

Ren gently put a hand on his shoulder, nodding sagely. "There have been moments even in my own that I've asked that question." His stoic demeanor dropped for a few brief moments however, face twisting in confusion. "Though never to this extent."

"I'm cursed, I tell you." With that, Jaune put the papers together and began to tear them up, ripping them into tiny little shreds and dumping them into his garbage can- "Wait. Who emptied my garbage?"

Ren tilted his head as he pondered the question. "As far as I know, none of us could. I mean, you and I left early from Oobleck's class, Nora was busy testing out her new 'pink fire' grenades at the Training Grounds, and Pyrrha's been busy with her classes. Does Beacon have cleaning crews?"

Jaune grimaced. "I don't think so. It may very well be the same psycho lunatic that put the letter in here. How'd they get in anyway? I locked the door before I left this morning."

"So... they took your trash? Ew."

Jaune shrugged. "I'd be more disgusted if I had anything that important in there. All they're getting is a few old receipts, a print-out of the local restaurants in the area and an especially old bottle of cinnamon."

"Wait, cinnamon?"

Putting his hand in his pocket, Jaune nodded. "Yep. Carry some around with me wherever I go."

"Um... why?"

Jaune gave another shrug. "Why not? There's plenty of chances to use cinnamon. On toast, on bagels, in ice cream, on select flavors of pizza…"

"So are you some sort of cook too?" Ren queried. The stoic gunslinger made his way to his bed, digging around underneath it for something.

"The term is chef." Jaune insisted.

Ren turned back and cocked an eyebrow, but decided against pushing the issue further. His hands gripped something and he pulled out a long black case. The gunslinger set it atop his bed, then brought out his scroll, opening it up to check the time. "Hm. Almost."

With a snicker, Jaune murmured, "What are you, a professional hitman or something? That case looks like a sniper rifle case." This wasn't too far off, the case was quite long and made of a hard resin material that Jaune had seen used for weapon storage plenty of times.

Ren chuckled softly. "Well, it is a weapon, but no, professional hitman isn't in my list of talents."

"Oh? What kind of weapon?"

Before Ren could answer, the door to their dorm burst open and in stepped Nora, who practically blurred into the room and tackled Ren. "Renny! Can you make me pancakes! Please? I love your pancakes, they're the best! I like them with syrup, and whipped cream, and chocolate chips! Can you make me ten? No, twenty! NO! FIFTY!" Nora shouted eagerly, practically knocking Ren to the floor.

"Nora," came Ren's slightly muffled response, "I got out the cooking utensils for a reason."

Nora bounced to her feet, grinning. "Yay! These are gonna be the best pancakes ever! They're gonna be super delicious and there's gonna be lots of them!" She helped her friend to his feet, and the boy dusted himself off before turning around and picking up the case.

Jaune's eyes widened slightly. "Wait, cooking utensils?"

Ren smirked. "Yep."

Jaune went silent for a few moments before he ducked back under his own bed, digging around for something as well, pulling out a red resin case just like Ren's own. "Well. It appears we may have something in common." The blond smiled at his teammate.

"Ooh, Jaune can cook too? Can you make pancakes?" Nora asked excitedly. "Well, even if you could, Renny's pancakes are the best on Remnant!"

Jaune stared deadpan at Nora, crossing his arms with a frown. "Can I cook pancakes? Did you seriously just ask if I can cook pancakes? One of the easiest recipes on Remnant, and you asked me if I could cook them?" His tone was an insulted one and he re-crossed his arms just to make a point, a small tic vein pulsing on his forehead. "As Remnant's next greatest chef, I am offended!"

Ren cocked an eyebrow. "That... that's awfully egotistical to declare yourself as such."

"It's not egotistical if it's true." Jaune shrugged. "There hasn't been a recipe I haven't been able to master as of yet."

"I'm sure you're an incredible coo-er, chef," Ren began, "However, I'm afraid there's one recipe you can't master."

Silence fell over the dorm room. Jaune stared at Ren, his face impassive. Even Nora could feel the sudden tension grow over the room like a taut wire, waiting for the right moment to snap. No one moved or spoke as the seconds ticked on and on with such apparent slowness that Nora felt as though each second lasted a small eternity. Eventually the tension grew to a point to where when the door to their dorm opened up and in stepped the fourth member of Team JNPR, Nora leaped back with a squeak of panic.

"Is... everything okay?" Pyrrha asked curiously, looking between Jaune and Ren who were staring at each other, arms crossed and eyes narrowing.

"Is that... a challenge?" Jaune murmured, his voice low and dangerous.

Ren's eyes narrowed further. "Sorry, but I've been cooking pancakes for Nora so long that I've mastered them. I could create them in my sleep."

"Renny's right! He can make them in his sleep. I remember when he made me pancakes while taking a nap." Nora added.

Jaune went silent once more. Then, after a few moments, the young man suddenly turned on his heel to his bed and grabbed his red case. "Lie Ren! I hereby challenge you to a cook-off! I will prove my title as the best chef in all of Remnant!" Jaune proclaimed, pointing at Ren.

Nora gasped and Pyrrha blinked in shock. Ren stared at him, his lips upturning into a smile. "I accept. Nora will be our judge."

Jaune frowned. "Three judges."

"Sorry?"

"Nora and you already know each other. She's biased. I want a fair trial." Jaune explained.

Ren fell silent, stroking his chin. "Hm... perhaps Team RWBY can be the judges?"

"Sure." Jaune nodded after a few moments. "We can get Ruby, Blake and... Weiss? Yang doesn't seem the type to have a refined palate."

Ren began to speak up, but Nora suddenly cut in, jumping in between them. "NO! YOU WILL NOT TAKE MY PANCAKES FROM ME!"

Jaune's eyes widened and he squeaked in terror as he saw Nora's eyes suddenly turn blood red and her voice began to reverberate. He recoiled to the ground and held out a hand in a panic. "N-NORA, BLAKE, AND WEISS! THEY CAN BE THE JUDGES! I DON'T WANNA DIE AGAIN!"

Nora's face changed back as quickly as it had become terrifying and she smiled from ear to ear. "Yay! Pancakes! This is gonna be the best day ever!"

Jaune clutched his chest, panting hard. "I just saw my life flash before my eyes..." Pyrrha leaned over to help him up (and give him a very nice view of her cleavage), grabbing his hand to help him to his feet. He turned to her with a wry smile and finished, "The actor in it wasn't very convincing."

"Comeoncomeoncomeon! Let's go!" Nora shouted, grabbing Jaune and Ren before suddenly rushing out of the room in a blur of orange, pink and white, two trails of green and black following her, leaving Pyrrha shaking her head in confusion, slowly following along.

[Beacon Academy – Kitchen]

"So how'd you get Goodwitch to let us use the kitchen for this?" Ren queried, tying the back of his pink apron.

Jaune shrugged. "I'm really convincing when I want to be?"

Glynda recoiled in fear, eyes wide in terror. In one hand, a wooden cross was held out in front of her, shaking with her terror. "Begone foul being! A-a-away with you!"

Jaune groaned. "Look, I'm just asking to use the kitchen to make pancakes."

"PANCAKES OF EVIL!" The normally unflappable Headmistress shouted, waving the cross at Jaune.

The blond male smacked his face with his hand and groaned. "First of all, I told you already, I'm NOT undead. Secondly, we'll clean up after ourselves. This is important, Ms. Goodwitch."

Glynda shook her head vehemently. "N-never! You will not take over the school with your evil breakfast!"

There was silence as Jaune stared at the terrified professor with a deadpan expression before finally responding with, "If you don't let Ren and I use the kitchen for this cook-off, I'm not leaving. Who knows, I might end up getting hungry and want a snack..." He stared pointedly at her, trying to inference a threat on... her soul, he guessed?

Jaune watched as Glynda's face drained of color and her body began to shake even more. He felt bad for her, and started to speak, but Glynda spoke up in a rushed, panicked tone of voice. "F-fine! You can use the kitchen! Have mercy on me, oh evil one!"

Sighing Jaune shook his head and turned on his heel to walk out the door. He looked down and frowned. "Pardon me, Ms. Goodwitch, you have salt on the floor. Do you know that?"

Glynda sobbed in a comedic manner, realizing that her 'purification barrier' did nothing to stop the evil blond from intruding upon her office. His evil had simply been too strong…

"Yep. Convincing." Jaune muttered, adjusting his chef's hat. "Regardless, the kitchen and ingredients in here are ours to use as we see fit. Although..." Jaune removed a small, very fine straining spoon from his red case and ran it through an open container of flour before him. "The ingredients are far from top notch."

"Trying to find an excuse in case you lose?" Ren asked, smirking.

Jaune harrumphed. "The best chefs can use just about anything to create delicious meals. Sub-par ingredients or no, I will win this competition."

"We'll see." Ren mused, still smirking.

There was a sound of cracking as though someone were popping their knuckles and Ren turned his head slightly to see Jaune stretching and popping his joints. The blond turned around and fixated his teammate with a brilliant grin. "Oh, that we certainly will..."

[Beacon Academy – Cafeteria]

"Where are the pancakes?!" Nora cried out, banging her fists on the table before her. Sitting to either side of her was Blake (along with the incessant buzzing) and Weiss, who was looking quite irritable. She had evidently gotten over her breakdown during lunch, and was somehow convinced by Nora to join in the pancake cook off as a judge. Well... not really convinced, it was more like Nora repeatedly asking her until she finally became so annoyed that the heiress caved in. She would eat just a bite of each and decide from there; she had her figure to watch after all. Blake didn't seem too interested, or at least she wasn't until Nora had mentioned offhandedly that Jaune was the other contestant, then suddenly she seemed a bit eager to join.

The rest of Team RWBY had decided to join in as well, and they, with Pyrrha, were also sitting at the table, chatting amongst themselves.

"So," Yang began, tapping her chin in thought, "Vomit Boy has dreams of becoming 'Remnant's Greatest Chef?'"

Pyrrha nodded. "That's apparently what he said. I'm surprised. Someone as strong as he is, and yet he prefers to create dishes?" Perhaps he's not a war god after all... wait, is he a god of family? Perhaps his defeat of the Grimm wasn't to simply wage war, but to protect us! Pyrrha's gaze became unfocused as her mind went off into another fantasy involving a picturesque scenario in which she and Jaune were married with two beautiful blond-haired, green eyed children; Jaune acting every part the devoted and loving father.

The wannabe Goddess sighed dreamily as her mind completely left the area. Yang noticed this and cocked an eyebrow in confusion, but didn't bother to say anything.

Instead, the buxom blond turned to her adorable sister. "So are going to have any of the pancakes?"

Ruby nodded. "Yep! They're not as good as cookies, but pancakes are still yummy!"

"Pancakes are the best!" Nora exclaimed, jumping onto the table.

"H-hey!" Weiss shouted, glaring up at Nora. "Get down from there!"

Nora wasn't listening though, striking a dramatic pose. "Pancakes are the food from the gods! Once you try Renny's pancakes you'll never want to eat anything else ever again!"

"That good, huh?" Yang queried.

"Yep!"

Weiss sighed. "Not that I want to defend that blond dunce or anything, but shouldn't you wait until you've tried both pancakes?"

Nora huffed, crossing her arms and rolling her eyes. "Please. Jaune's pancakes might be good, but Renny's are the best, hands down." The orange haired girl jumped down

"And in the event that Jaune's somehow are better?" Blake added in.

Nora puffed out her cheeks. "Please, that won't be possible."

"You realize you're being extremely biased, right?" Yang added, raising an eyebrow.

Nora started to speak to make her point, but was interrupted by the scent of something heavenly wafting in through the kitchen door. Everyone stopped, sniffing the air, and Nora started drooling. It was like Ren had cooked double the pancakes.

The door opened up and in stepped both Ren and Jaune, each dressed in a chef's outfit. Ren's was pink while Jaune's was a traditional white, and in their hands were two large platters topped with silver. The two approached the table, bowed low, and set the platters down with all the air of professionals.

With eager eyes and a drooling tongue, Nora watched as the two lifted the lids on the platters, revealing two large plates of steaming, golden, fluffy pancakes. The smell from both of them had everyone, Weiss included, salivating. Both sets of breakfast food looked incredible.

"So... tasty..." Nora whispered, looking as though she'd found El Dorado itself.

Still saying nary a word, both men proceeded to dole out the plates, procuring extra dishes from the platters. They served the pancakes to each of the other students waiting around, then bowed once more and stepped back, waiting for the three judges to eat first.

No one was surprised when Nora was the first to dig in. Her fork ripped off a large piece of one of the pancakes she'd been served and took a bite, chewing it for a while. Jaune and Ren exchanged glances, the room having gone silent as everyone waited for Nora to finish chewing and swallowing. She grinned widely. "Renny's pancakes are the best!"

Jaune growled, eye twitching in anger. "Excuse me, but you haven't even bothered to try mine out yet..."

Weiss took a small bite of her own pancake, chewing it thoroughly and savoring the taste. When she finally swallowed, she gently put down her fork and nodded. "Definitely palatable. Certainly enjoyable."

Blake followed suit, taking a bite of hers, savoring the taste for a while before swallowing and dabbing at her cheek with a napkin. "That's certainly good."

Ren turned to Jaune with a small, satisfied smirk. Jaune rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, harrumphing. Both boys turned to Nora as she turned to the plate with Jaune's pancakes, frowning. She poked at the pancake, almost pouting.

Weiss groaned. "Since Nora doesn't seem to want to participate in the job she herself asked for, I shall take the first bite of Jaune's offering." She took another small chunk of pancake, and slowly bit down on it. Once again, the room became silent as the people gathered watched for Weiss' reaction.

The heiress slowly chewed on the piece of pancakes for a few, heart pounding seconds before finally swallowing. She fell silent, then slowly placed her fork down on the table, her eyes closed. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes, and everyone began to lean forward, the suspense driving them crazy.

"Exquisite!" Weiss breathed out, opening her eyes wide in shock as she stared at her plate. "I... I never thought it possible with such a simple dish, but the taste is absolutely incredible! Did... did you seriously make this, Jaune? Were the plates switched around or something?"

Her question was met with silence. She turned to Jaune, and almost immediately recoiled when she saw Jaune, arms crossed and brow twitching with silent rage, his body covered in a pitch black Aura. "I'm. Certain."

"I-I-I w-was just m-making sure!" Weiss squeaked in terror, dropping her fork in surprise. Nora looked uneasy, looking at Weiss, then at the plate with Jaune's cooking on it, then to Blake, who looked ready to eat some herself.

The cat Faunus took a bite of hers, chewing slowly and swallowing. Her gold eyes slowly went wide and she murmured, "Is it possible for your mouth to have an orgasm? Because I think mine just had one..."

Ren's eyes widened and he looked back at Jaune, who was now smirking knowingly. The two looked down at Nora, who sighed and slumped.

"Alright," she groaned, "I'll try it out..." Nora cut off a piece of Jaune's offering, spearing it on her fork, and, with a wince, shoved the piece into her mouth in one glorious bite. She chewed... and chewed... and chewed... and chewed…

…

…

The girl finally swallowed.

There was a very long silence once more. No one dared made a sound, more tension in the room now than had ever been as they waited for Nora's judgment. Finally, Nora lowered her fork... and suddenly burst into tears. "I-IT'S SO GOOD!" She began to shove Jaune's pancakes into her mouth as a whole, tears falling down her face as she quickly devoured the breakfast food. "'M SRRY, RNY!" She sobbed around mouthfuls of pancake, her hands even reaching out to grab the pancakes off the plates of other students.

"H-hey!" Yang shouted, trying to stop Nora from grabbing the pancake off her plate. Nora's eyes suddenly turned blood red again and she gave a deep, reverberating growl, and Yang quickly flinched back, lilac eyes wide with surprise and fear. "Yeesh! Alright, alright! Jeeze, they can't be that good..."

Her voice died out when she noticed that Weiss of all people was very quickly polishing off her plate with gusto, and Blake had already finished hers to prevent Nora from stealing it. Jaune smirked and turned to Ren. "Well. I think the people have spoken-" He froze. Ren was... smiling?

"Well, I guess since you are a better chef than I, I guess you'll have to be the one in charge of making pancakes for Nora while we're on this team." Ren explained calmly, though in his mind he was laughing manically.

Jaune opened his mouth, but no words came out, just a squeak. He held up a finger, his face contorting until he finally groaned. "Touche."

"Sorry, but it was a win-win situation. Either you ended up cooking for Nora or I got to show off my cooking skills to all the girls here. I think either way, I win." Ren explained, putting a hand on Jaune's shoulder.

"You... you got me." Jaune murmured back. "There's just one problem with this whole thing."

"What's that?" Ren asked curiously, head tilted. In the background they could hear the girls starting to yell and argue about something, Nora screaming about being 'Queen of the Castle,' and all that.

"Well... with the ingredients being what they were, I couldn't give my best effort." Jaune replied, sighing.

The commotion suddenly went dead silent.

"What." Nora slowly turned around, her eyes shining in a terrifying manner.

Jaune was slumped forward so he didn't notice his teammate's scary expression, nor the stunned faces of the others at the table. "Yeah, the ingredients weren't up to snuff. If I had some fresher milk, maybe some fresher eggs, some better butter, even some better flour, I could make something even greater than this. Hell, they didn't even have a decent spice rack!" A tiny thundercloud hung over Jaune's head as he sighed, hanging his head and putting his hand on the wall in an overly dramatic manner.

Nora was silent, then, "So what you're telling me is... you... can make better pancakes...?"

"With the right ingredients, yes."

Silence answered him. Jaune could hear clinking of silverware, and the sound of someone getting off a chair, and he turned to the table. Before he could say another word, a blur of pink, white and orange crashed into him, slamming him into the wall hard enough to leave spiderweb-like cracks. He opened his mouth to cry out in panic and anger, but something pushed against his lips and occupied his mouth. His vision focused and his mind suddenly found out what had happened. Nora was pinning him to the wall, trying to give him a thorough dental exam with her tongue. Jaune tried to struggle, but Nora consumed by her pancake-lust, refused to budge. "MMMMMPH!"

Behind her, Jaune could see everyone's reaction... which did not in the slightest help his current panicked mood. Blake's jaw was on the floor, eyes twitching. Weiss looked like she was about to slaughter him, Pyrrha had crushed the lid of the plate under her rage and fury, small metallic objects floating around her, Ruby was blushing furiously, Yang was smirking from ear to ear, and Ren…

Ren was actually on the floor, laughing so hard that he wasn't making any sounds, tears springing to his eyes, arms tightened around his midsection. Jaune wanted to start yelling at him, but his mouth was still being occupied by Nora's tongue. With a burst of his usual black Aura, Jaune managed to pull the girl off of him, panting hard.

Nora hung from Jaune's outstretched arm, her lips still pursed trying to kiss him for a moment before the crazed girl whipped around and struggled, dropping out of his hand before yanking him down by the collar and pushing his face into the side of her breast. With an Aura that screamed possessiveness, she, along with the breast-pushed Jaune, turned to their impromptu audience.

"THIS IS MINE!" She screamed. "HE AND HIS PANCAKE GOODNESS ARE ALL MINE!"

Jaune started to open his mouth, when something came flying and embedded itself in the wall inches from his head. The color drained from his face when his eyes slowly flicked towards it and noticed it was a massive butcher's knife. "Help..." he whimpered.

Nora dropped him and pulled out Magnhild from... somewhere, and got into a battling position. "WHO THREW THAT?!"

Suddenly, the room exploded into chaos. From nowhere, Jaune noticed Velvet crashing in through the window, looking... strangely scary. She threw a kick at Pyrrha, who countered by blocking with her shield... that she also pulled out from somewhere. Blake pulled out Gambol Shroud and fired a few shots at Nora, who turned Magnhild into its launcher form and fired a trio of grenades, to which Blake dodged... leaving Weiss to take the blast, her hair and dress becoming singed. Weiss screamed in rage and summoned a fire Glyph that launched at Nora, the attack barely missing her... and hitting Jaune.

The blond boy twitched in pain, the flames eating at him not burning nearly as hot as his rage at the moment, and his eyes narrowed. "Okay. That's it. I need a fucking drink."

[Vale – Junior's]

Junior wasn't a stranger to having kids in his bar. Youngsters from Beacon often came by for drinks and dancing, and while he technically wasn't allowed to serve them alcohol, their Lien was worth just as much as anyone else'. While most of the time this was a wise business idea, on some occasions he found that it had its drawbacks. Such as when that blond, big-boobed huntress wrecked his place because he didn't know about her mother or something. Or the time now, with the blond Hunter who'd been talking his ear off about... something. Junior had tuned him out about five minutes in. Maybe it was just blonds. He needed have to make a sign stating "No Blonds Allowed".

"And of course, I cook for them, and how do they repay me? By molesting me, then trying to kill me! That's not all though! My partner is a delusional woman who thinks that she's literally a divine entity, my other teammate is some pancake obsessed, over energized pile of explosives, and my third teammate is... alright. Then the other team has some crazy bitch with anger issues, a girl who can talk to weapons, a Magical-Girl wannabe and... Blake. Everyone else at the school also seems out of their minds, from the students to the teachers! Worst of all, I can't even leave! This suuuuuuucks! I'm... I'm... I'm surrounded by idiots!" Jaune groaned as he rubbed his temple with his right hand.

Trying to just forget about everything that had happened recently, he tilted his drink back and took a sip, groaning in frustration. He stopped when he felt something poke him in the side and he turned to see what, or who it was. He was met with nothing, which caused him to stop in confusion. Was Junior's haunted? There was a tug on his shirt and he looked down to see a young woman looking up at him with a sympathetic smile.

What is it with girls in Vale being so damn attractive? Jaune had to admit she was exceedingly cute; her entire ensemble resembled Neapolitan ice cream, from her braided hair of brown and pink, to her eyes which were pink and silver. Even her outfit, a very trendy outfit that looked gorgeous on her was in the same pink, brown and white colors. "Hey there." Jaune smiled at her.

"..." the young woman winked at him, waving hello.

"You're... not much of a talker, are you?" Jaune murmured, holding onto his glass. He turned to Junior. "Hey, a drink for the cutie here."

"Huh?" Junior looked down next to the blond who'd been rambling for the past hour, and froze in terror. It was Neopolitan, Roman's competent and (in his opinion) terrifying henchwoman. The bearded man began to lean in conspiratorially to warn the blond kid about Neo and how she was bad news, but he noticed the young woman affixing him with a hard stare, very subtly drawing a finger across her neck. He nodded slowly. "Y-y-yeah, g-gotcha."

"So," Jaune began while Junior began to mix Neo's usual drink, "You got a name?"

The girl grabbed a napkin and a pen from her purse and scrawled out one word. "Neopolitan."

"Neopolitan, huh?" Jaune chuckled. "How... fitting. So what brings a pretty thing like you to a joint like this?" The young woman gave him a wry smile and pointed at Jaune, then at herself. "Same reason?"

She nodded with a grin. Junior put her drink in front of her, withdrawing his hand quickly as though he were afraid she'd remove it if he kept it there for too long.

"Sorry to hear you're in my boat. How bad can it be though? I mean, I'm fairly certain that Beacon is built over some old Indian burial ground, or a natural gas main or something. Maybe both at the same time." Jaune grimaced.

Neo put her index and thumb together, bringing it to her lips and taking a breath, before adopting an addled and dumb expression before pointing at herself. Jaune thought for a moment. Man, it's like the cutest game of charades ever. "Your… partner is a stoner?"

Neo's eyes lit up, and she stood on her chair in an instant, leaning over to kiss Jaune softly on the cheek. The blond boy's face went red. Despite having been frenched like mad earlier that evening, that little kiss from the small woman felt... a lot nicer. The petite young woman sat back down, smoothing out her black jeans. She held up two fingers, then proceeded to grab Jaune's drink, then grabbed the napkin on the counter, then a bowl of peanuts, then grabbing Jaune by his collar, giving him a wink, and finally pointed at her own crotch.

"Let me see... second partner... a girl that steals things?"

"..." Neo nodded.

"She's… a kleptomaniac?"

"…!" Neo nodded again, grinning even wider.

Neo then held up two more fingers for four fingers, smacked her forehead, and then pointed to her wrist. Jaune tapped his fingers on the table, his face contorting in thought. "You've got two more partners... total of four... they're insane too... but describing it would take too long?"

Neo practically jumped onto him, throwing her arms around him. Jaune laughed, putting one arm around her waist. The petite girl settled into his lap, taking a sip of her drink with one hand as she held onto him with the other. "Gotta admit," Jaune began, "It's nice to meet someone else whose life is insane. Though, it couldn't happen to a cuter girl." Jaune flirted, grinning. He knew it was a dumb and cheesy line, but right now he just wanted to enjoy himself Monty-dammit!

The petite young woman on his lap brushed a hand against his cheek, winking. Jaune blushed a bit, but was unable to keep the grin off his face. Neo walked a couple fingers up his chest before pointing with her thumb out the door.

"So you... you want to leave? With me?"

Neo gave a thumbs up. "..."

Jaune blinked and shrugged. "You know what, it's better than having to go back to Beacon so soon. Sure. I'll walk with you."

Neo woman grinned and hopped off his lap stretching languidly in place and getting Jaune to stare curiously. He didn't mind that she was a head and a half shorter than him, she was still incredibly attractive. The woman looked up to see Jaune staring, his head quickly turning to look away, cheeks going a brighter red at having been caught.

"So..." Jaune trailed off. "Where did you want to go?"

Neo pointed to herself with a wink. "..."

"Y-your place?"

She nodded with a sly smile. Jaune scratched the back of his head, looking around him as though he were afraid one of his fellow students had followed him here. He conspiratorially leaned down, his voice dropping to a low murmur that could barely be heard above the din of the music permeating Junior's. "Sure, but I can't really stay too long. I do have to make it back to Beacon before the last Bullhead leaves."

Neo pouted, tilting her head. "..."

"Look, I'd love to chat with you more, but-" Neo's hand reached up and put a finger to his lips. She stepped back and pointed at Jaune.

"Er... yes?"

The petite girl then pointed to herself before making an 'OK' sign with one hand and then taking her other hand and sliding the index finger of it in and out, licking her lips. Jaune nearly spat out what little of his drink he had remaining, eyes widening. "You... you want... wait, really?"

The young woman nodded slowly, giving a lazy wink before thumbing the direction of the door, and putting a hand on her hip almost impatiently.

Jaune froze, his mind racing. Holy crap, I just met her! Still... she's really cute... got nice legs... totally gets what I'm going through. Didn't Grandpa Arc say that if I had the chance to sow some wild oats, to do so? I mean, his advice hasn't steered me wrong yet... and she seems pretty damn eager. What could be the harm? I mean, even if she tries to kill you for some unexplained reason, you're immortal! You have nothing to fear! He ran a hand through his blond hair and shrugged. "You know what? Fuck it. Literally." He winked mischievously despite the bad pun.

Neo bounced up to Jaune and grabbed his arm, pulling him away with a happy grin on her face. The young man barely having enough time to toss some Lien on the counter for the drinks before being pulled back out into the cool night air…

[Beacon – Team RWBY Dorm]

"Ow! Be careful!" Weiss complained as Ruby tightened the bandages around her midsection.

"Sorry, but we got to bandage up those knife wounds. Who could have guessed Velvet knew how to fight with butcher knives so well... kinda glad Glynda showed up when she did." Ruby muttered.

"Hmph. Second year student or not, I could have beaten her if she hadn't shown up. And why didn't the rest of you help me!" Weiss snapped at the other two remaining members of her team, both of whom were in no better shape than her.

Yang glared out from under her ice-pack. "Sorry, but if you didn't notice, I was getting smashed, and not in the fun, alcoholic way. Jeeze, Nora really knows how to use that hammer..."

"Sorry Weiss," Ruby sheepishly answered, "I was just trying to stay out of it. I don't even know why everyone was fighting in the first place. I mean all Nora did was kiss Jaune." Ruby felt Weiss stiffen under her hands and a low, deep growling emerged from her throat like an enraged animal.

"Stupid Arc... stupid pancakes..." Weiss muttered angrily.

Suddenly Blake bolted upright in her bed, her bow twitching furiously, golden eyes widening and glancing about the room.

"Did you forget something, Blake?" Yang asked, looking down over the side of her top bunk bed.

Blake mouthed something, her breath suddenly catching before saying it again, this time in a manner that could easily be heard. "Pervert senses... tingling!"

Someone I know is getting laid! Who?! Where?! WHY AM I NOT THE ONE IN THE SITUATION!?

[Beacon Academy – Team JNPR Dorm]

"Renny, the bandages are too tight!" Nora whined as Ren bandaged the wounds she'd received in the all out brawl that had taken place that evening.

"Sorry, Nora, but we have to make sure that we stop any blood loss, at least until your Aura heals you. Still, never expected Velvet of all people to go all out like that..." Ren looked over to see Pyrrha in her pajamas, sitting cross-legged on her bed, glaring daggers at Nora. He rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to his childhood friend. "So... you and Jaune?"

Nora nodded. "Those pancakes were godly, Ren! They were so good!"

"Didn't think you'd be the type to go for someone just because of food..." Ren chuckled, as he continued to patch up his partner, a little more gingerly this time.

"It's not just that! Jaune's cute too!"

"Oh?" Ren smirked. "Never said anything before today."

Nora crossed her arms and pouted. "Hey, I don't have to tell you every thought I think!"

Ren chuckled. "I'm sorry, Nora. I won't tease you about it. Promise."

"Thanks Renny."

Pyrrha growled. "You have Ren..." her voice could barely be heard as she continued to glare at her teammate. Nora, however, didn't seem to notice this.

"I must have him make pancakes for me every day, Ren!" She proclaimed, pumping her fist! "And I shall reward him with make outs and views of my back bumpers!"

Ren pinched the bridge of his nose. "Nora, please don't shove your butt into his face every chance you get. Jaune's got enough on his plate."

Pyrrha opened her mouth as her visage twisted into something ugly, when she stopped, and shivered. Her emerald eyes widened and she looked around before crying out, "Jaune senses... tingling!"

Ren blinked in confusion and looked over to the Spartan before looking out the window to their dorm. "Speaking of which... where is Jaune?"

[Vale – Neo's Apartment]

"Woof." Jaune laid back onto the pink, brown and white silk sheets, feeling their cool touch against his bare back. Still straddling him, the young woman he'd just had... intimate relations with turned over her shoulder and winked lasciviously at him. He grinned tiredly back up at her. "So, I think you confirmed it."

"…?"

"Neopolitan is my favorite flavor of ice cream." Jaune winked back, earning a silent giggle from the girl. She turned around, giving Jaune an unashamedly clear view of her chest before falling atop him and gently running a finger down his chest, smiling. He was glad that she couldn't speak; judging by the look on her face for most of their time spent together, he was certain that the neighbors would have been screaming at her to shut up if she could make any noise. "So, be honest with me. How was I?"

Neo looked up at him, cocking an eyebrow before raising both hands, all fingers raised. She closed her hands, then reopened them. "…!"

Jaune eyes widened. "Seriously? Ten out of ten?"

Neo nodded slowly, her lips still upturned in a wicked smile.

"You certainly know how to make a guy feel awesome... among other things." Jaune turned to the side and grimaced as he noticed the time on Neo's (unsurprisingly cute) bedside clock. "Crap, the last Bullhead to Beacon just left." He looked back at her with a chuckle. "Don't worry, I'm not gonna impose on you. I figured you'd... you know..." He motioned out the door. He assumed that this was a one time thing, that they'd bang, he'd leave and that would be the last they'd see of each other. Though, to be fair, the idea did make him a bit sad.

Neo just shook her head and held up two fingers, giving Jaune a tired grin. "Jeeze, you want to for Round 2?" He scratched his chin, his other hand running slowly up and down the side of Neo's naked body, earning a pleasant shiver from her. "So, just to be clear, is this a one time thing or..."

Neo tilted her head in thought and shook her head. She put her fingers together to make a heart, then pulled them apart and shook her head, then made an 'Ok' sign, sliding her index finger in and out of it. "..."

"So, friends with benefits?" Jaune replied hopefully. Neo nodded hard while grinning. "I... I can totally work with that. Stress relief for the both of us, and we need it!"

"…!" Neo nodded in agreement, her multicolored eyes widening, then switching positions.

"How do you do that?"

"…?" She shrugged, the motion doing interesting things to her nude form.

"The..." Jaune paused and motioned to his eyes. "The eye thing."

Neo shrugged again before suddenly grabbing his ears and shoving her lips against his own, and before Jaune's mind could conjure any more questions, the movement of Neo's body against his own replaced any concerns he had once again with bliss…

[The Next Morning – Beacon Academy – Hallway]

Jaune Arc was whistling. Whistling. Okay, so he'd gotten only about four hours of sleep the previous night before due to Neo's insatiable sexual appetite. So what if he had been (playfully) kicked out early on that day, with only her Scroll number to show for it? So what if he smelled faintly of sexual fluids from their seemingly endless fun? Jaune Arc had gotten laid. Not only that, but the petite girl was fun, delightfully mysterious and best of all, wasn't looking for a relationship, which meant his parents wouldn't be receiving children any time soon. For once, for once, everything was coming up Jaune. He'd been cheerful and whistling the entire way back through Vale, and even the Bullhead ride back was tolerable due to how great he was feeling.

And now that he was back in Beacon he was ready to start a new day, ready to face the insanity head on! He wouldn't be broken! He'd deal with his partners delusions! He'd face Nora's sudden pancake-fueled interest in him! Even his Stalker couldn't bring him down now! Jaune's whistling grew even more merry as he stood in front of the door to his dorm room. All he had to do was head inside, take a shower to wash the smell of Neo off of him, maybe shave and start the day off right!

"Hey Jaune." A slightly monotone voice replied from off to the side. The blond turned to the voice and grinned.

"Blake! How are you this fine morning!" Jaune answered merrily.

The secret cat-girl gave a yawn and waved. Her 'pervert sense' had kept her up for hours, finally dying down sometime early morning, so she was exhausted. She approached the young blond and froze, sniffing the air. Jaune rifled through his pockets, trying to find his scroll to open the door's electronic lock, muttering something about too many pockets and not enough organization.

WHAM

Jaune was slammed against the wall next to the door hard, and his eyes widened as Blake suddenly got close, sniffing him all over, starting at his neck and making her way down his body. "Wh-what?! Hey! What the hell Blake?!"

Blake's head got to crotch level and she sniffed before shooting back up, getting right in his face with a glare. "Who was she?"

"W-w-who?" Jaune asked nervously. "I-I don't know what you're talking about!"

Her eyes narrowed and Jaune swallowed hard. "You're lying... I can smell the sex on you..."

"W-what does it matter?!" Jaune squeaked.

"Who is she to you?"

"J-just a friend with benefits!"

Blake twitched, looking positively wrathful. She grabbed Jaune by the collar and brought his face in so close he could smell the fish on her breath. "Didn't you ever think that someone else might want those benefits?! Someone close!? Like say a cat-girl ninja?!" Blake hissed in frustration, Jaune cowering beneath her gaze.

Jaune started to try to decry his innocence, when a familiar sight came into view; a butcher knife buried itself near his head next to him, and Blake turned to the side, surprised. Velvet was standing next to her, eyes twitching madly.

"Who was she Jaune? Was she good? Did she taste you?!" Her voice was seriously starting to disturb the poor boy even further, and his blue orbs glanced about, trying to find a way out of his situation.

What's with them all of the sudden?! Why are they so angry I banged someone?! What cat-girl ninja?!

That was when the door opened up, and Jaune knew that the universe had decided that he needed some karmic retribution for daring to have a wonderful night.

Pyrrha Nikos of all people stepped out of the dorm, and the look on her face told him all he needed to know.

She'd heard everything.

Death Count: 2,039

Next on Immortal: Phoenix Ren, Ace Attorney

"All rise, for the Honorable Judge, Pyrrha Nikos."

"Mr. Arc, you are hereby being charged with having sexual relations with some random floozy!"

"WOULD YOU STOP KILLING ME?!"

"I hereby find the defendant..."

"HOLD IT! This entire trial is a sham!"

"The hell are you wearing?"

"Living with Nora made it necessary to learn certain skills...like how to get out of legal trouble."

"Objection!...On the grounds that his evidence is hurting my case."

"I call to the stand...some random guy I met the other day while buying muffins!"

Author's Note: GAAAH! It's finally finished! It took me way too long, but I did it! A 2.5x sized chapter, just for you folks! Yep, looks like our Jaune finally managed to get some, but not from any of the Beacon girls! I know the Neo thing was rushed, but Neo strikes me as the kind of girl who'd be into 'friends with benefits' as it were. She will probably get fleshed out a little bit more, but what you see is what you get. She's pretty much the straight man of Team CRMEN. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get my requisite two hours of sleep and let my poor fingers rest for a bit! Hope you all enjoy!

And remember to leave a review!

(And this was beta read by Maxaro!)

(Edit: Whoops, screwed up the Death Counter. Fixed.)