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Immortal

Chapter 12: Phoenix Ren, Ace Attorney

How they got him into this situation, Jaune would never know.

Even years later when he looked back on it, Jaune was really unsure how he ended up in the empty class room that they'd somehow transformed into an impromptu court room. One minute Pyrrha was fixing him with a look that promised eternal pain, and the next moment he found himself being marched through the hallways of Beacon Academy by knife point by a very twitchy Velvet Scarlatina. When they'd entered the class room, the jury benches, judge podium, and seats were already in position, with Blake and Weiss standing behind a desk at one side of the room, both of them dressed in some very fancy suits in their respective colors.

Jaune was so utterly confused as to how they'd gotten set up so quickly that he really only started asking questions to himself once he was already sitting down in the defendant's seat. Questions like, 'how did I get here', and, 'where did they get the materials for the courtroom so fast', and, 'would they mind if I brushed my teeth, I can still taste Neo'... Actually, that last one I can live with. Even more confusing, Jaune noticed other students starting to file into the classroom in the seats behind him.

Then he noticed his fellow classmates. Ruby walked in confused, whispering to a Yang who seemed like she couldn't keep the shit eating grin off her face. The buxom blonde brawler's lilac gaze leveled on Jaune and her already wide grin grew even wider. Evidently word traveled faster than he'd anticipated. It appeared though that Ruby was at least confused, so Jaune would bet no one told her the reason why he was in the courtroom.

Actually, now that he stopped to think about it, why exactly was he here? He was in the defendant's seat, so obviously he was being 'tried' for something, but for what exactly he had no bloody idea. Do they even have the legal representation to try me for anything? Wait... why the hell am I going along with this?! Jaune twitched and shook his head. Sitting next to him, her figure twitching, was Velvet, handling a massive butcher knife. Where the hell did she even get that? He shook his head again. It didn't matter, he wasn't going to sit there and deal with the inanity of the situation. He stood to his feet and turned to walk away.

SPLORTCH!

Agonizing pain erupted in his throat and his hands went automatically to his throat, his airway suddenly becoming blocked. His hands touched something sharp and metal and a slight downturn of his gaze saw the blade of a butcher knife sticking out of his neck. He turned, eyes wide with a combination of fear, pain and exasperation to see Velvet grinning madly at him. "Ah, ah, ah! You can't leave until we've passed judgment on you, you cheater! Don't worry though, I'll forgive you for cheating on me if you tell me the name of the slut who had you." Velvet cheerfully informed him.

Jaune was barely aware of the screams of the students behind him as they noticed him proceeding to bleed out profusely onto the wooden desk, and before he slipped into unconsciousness, he lifted his hand up and flipped Velvet off, putting on the most deadpan expression he could possibly muster. He didn't know what her response was, as he bled out in a matter of seconds, and once again, Jaune Arc died.

[An Indeterminate Amount Of Time Later]

Resurrection was always a strange thing for Jaune to experience. It was like someone decided to turn the television of his mind back on, and he'd go from being completely unconscious (well dead, really), to suddenly being awake, alert, and unharmed, as though he'd simply blinked funny. This time he resurrected to the sounds of people chattering behind him, and it took his brain a couple of seconds of restart time to process what exactly was going on.

"He... he got back up!"

"Is he a zombie?"

"Holy crap, he's invincible!"

"No you, moron, he's immortal! There's a difference!"

Jaune had to bite back the urge to go, as Grandpa Arc once so eloquently put it, "banana-nut-monkey-crazy" out of sheer rage. All the trouble he'd gone through in order to prevent word of his immortality from spreading any further than it had to, and now this crazy bunny-eared psycho spilled the beans! Even worse, neither Blake nor Weiss seemed to even register this latest death, instead talking quietly amongst themselves with a pair of briefcases in front of them, pausing every so often to stop and stare at Jaune for a moment before going back to their discussion.

Before Jaune could open his mouth to start yelling at them for the sheer stupidity of the situation, Velvet's voice spoke up loudly and cheerfully. "All rise for the Honorable Judge Pyrrha Nikos!" Jaune tilted his head in confusion. When the hell did she get dressed in a cop uniform! Also, I'm pretty certain the cop uniform does not involve bunny patterned stockings and garter belt. His gaze looked up to the front of the class to notice his red-headed partner making her way up to the center podium wearing a black robe, gavel in hand.

Jaune rolled his eyes, remaining in his seat. He'd already had enough dealing with the idiocy of the situation, he wasn't going to encourage them. Velvet turned to him even as Pyrrha sat behind the podium, the bunny Faunus' eyes narrowing with the same creepy smile on her face as before. Jaune stared back, eyes slowly narrowing into a glare…

SPLORTCH!

Her hand shot out and Jaune felt a familiar pain in his throat. If any of his teammates were worried or bothered about his next death, they didn't seem to show it. Pyrrha simply looked down at him with an unconcerned look. Where the hell does she keep those damn knives!? Jaune could hear the students behind him once again chattering excitedly amongst themselves and his vision grew dark once more. He reached towards the knife handle, pulling the blade from his throat and slammed it blade first into the desk at which he sat, then slumped forward, his neck pouring blood underneath him.

"Everyone look away!" Velvet cheerfully shouted, walking to the knife and pulling it out.

With strange looks, everyone, for the second time that day, looked away from Jaune's corpse. When everyone once more looked back, they saw Jaune rubbing his neck and growling. "Okay, this is bullshit!"

"Quiet!" Pyrrha shouted, slamming her gavel on the stand. "Order in the courtroom! Mr. Arc, if your outbursts continue, you will be punished for contempt of court!"

Jaune twitched. "You aren't even an official judge! There's no way in Remnant this can be legal! Hell, there's two damn prosecutors!" The blond angrily pointed to Blake and Weiss, who were smiling smugly, arms crossed. "And why does Weiss have a whip?"

WHA-PSSH!

"Ow!" Jaune winced and cradled his arm, glaring at Weiss.

"Quiet you!" The heiress glowered, coiling up her white leather whip.

Pyrrha cleared her throat and everyone turned their attention back to her. "Mr. Arc! You are hereby charged with having sexual relations with some random floozy! How do you plead?"

There was a sound of skin hitting skin as Jaune's hand rose up quickly to smack his face. "You've got to be kidding me. That's what this whole thing is about? Even if I did have sex with some girl, who the hell cares?! This entire trial is stupid!" Jaune got to his feet. "I am leaving, and there's not a damn thing you people can do about it!"

Jaune felt wind pass by him and this time, he was ready. The young blond man quickly ducked down and a butcher knife flew over his head. "Oh no you don't!" Jaune shouted angrily, gripping onto his desk in order to toss it at Velvet who'd already pulled out another two butcher knives. He picked it up over his head, grinning wildly. "Bring it on!"

SPLORTCH

He wasn't sure if it was a terrible thing or not that the feeling of being impaled by various weaponry was vaguely familiar, this having been the second time he'd experienced it. Gambol Shroud, Akouo, Myrtenaster, and two Butcher Knives were run through his body. "For fuck's sake..." Jaune managed to cough out, twitching. Blake, Weiss, Pyrrha, and Velvet withdrew their weapons, letting Jaune slump to the ground, the desk falling with a clatter next to him. "I... guess... it's what... I get for..." he coughed up more blood, his expression irritated. "... holding back..."

With that, Jaune Arc died a third time.

This time, absolutely no one save for Jaune himself, seemed to care.

[Another Indeterminate Amount Of Time Later]

Sight. Sound. Smell. Touch. Taste.

Jaune came to, having been laying on the floor. His current shirt was in tatters, but everything else was, unsurprisingly, fine. "WILL YOU STOP FUCKING KILLING ME?!"

"Mr. Arc, please refrain from interrupting court again." Pyrrha chastised him. "Blake, please present your case."

Blake, dressed in her black business dress, stepped forward. "Thank you. Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury-"

"What jury!? There's no one in the jury seats!" Jaune shouted in exasperation, pointing to the Jury booth where, as he pointed out, no one was sitting.

"Mr Arc, please be silent or you will be punished again!" Pyrrha snapped angrily, glaring at him. Jaune threw his hands up and returned the look, but when his gaze fell upon Velvet, who was currently licking his blood off of one of her knives. Her eyes glinted and Jaune shivered, falling silent.

Blake continued on, uncaring towards Jaune's outburst. "Before you is the defendant, Jaune Arc. This young man would have you believe that he's a gentleman, but, last night, Mr. Arc performed a crime! He had sex with some random woman at a bar, when he had the opportunity, no, obligation to render those services to those more deserving of it! Like a particular Faunus girl! Then, he had the gall, the nerve, to try and hide his crime!" Blake turned to Jaune and pointed at him. "He should be punished for his crimes, lest he decide to please someone else without first consulting his teammates and asking them if they'd want to enjoy his ministrations!"

Jaune blinked. "What." His tone was drier than the Vacuo Wastes, his expression utterly incredulous.

"Well said," Pyrrha murmured. "Second Prosecutor Schnee, do you have anything to add?"

"Okay, this is bullshit, how come there's two Prosecutors and no Defense Attorneys?!" Jaune complained. Velvet's hand shot out and Jaune barely missed his hand getting pinned to the desk as another one of her knives found itself buried in the desk.

"Thank you, Miss Nikos." Weiss replied, getting up. Jaune noticed she was talking with an odd accent as she spoke, as though she were acting like someone else. "Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury..." Weiss uncoiled her whip and with blurring speed, whipped the desk causing Jaune to jump. "This... pathetic excuse of a man dared to have a night of..." her voice dipped low, "intense carnal desire without the express given permission of his allies!"

"What are you, my mother?" Jaune muttered before going slightly pale at the thought.

Wha-pssh!

"Ow!" Jaune rubbed his wrist as Weiss narrowed her eyes at him, having whipped him.

"Jury, I believe you should convict this man and place him in the... tender cares of the justice system so he maybe... punished for his transgressions." Weiss concluded.

Jaune groaned. "What could you people possibly do to me? If anyone here hasn't realized, I'm immortal. Whatever punishment you can possibly come up with would be a joke."

Weiss, Blake and Pyrrha all fixed him with wicked grins and Jaune groaned again. "Right. As Grandpa Arc once said, "There are many, many fates worse than death"."

Pyrrha cleared her throat. "Well, if our Prosecutors have no more to say, then I hereby declare the defendant-"

At that moment, the doors to the classroom burst open and a blinding light shone forth. "HOLD IT!" Everyone turned around, and even Pyrrha's hand froze, the gavel hanging above the podium. Jaune shaded his eyes and watched as a silhouette stepped into the room. "This trial is a sham!"

"Who are you?" Weiss demanded, glaring angrily at having her victory taken away from her so soon.

"Me? I'm Phoenix Ren, Ace Attorney, here to represent Jaune Arc!" The figure stepped forward to reveal himself as Ren, dressed in a bright blue suit, a bright red tie and his hair slicked back into a strange style.

"Ren?" Jaune asked. "What are you wearing?"

"A suit. It makes you look professional." Ren deadpanned, sitting next to Jaune and placing a black briefcase onto the desk.

"... right. How are you getting your hair to stay like that?" Jaune mused, tilting his head in confusion.

"Lots and lots of hair gel." Ren answered as he straightened his tie.

"Excuse me, Ren, but what exactly are you doing?" Pyrrha asked, glaring daggers at him.

Ren looked back up to Pyrrha, raising an eyebrow. "As I said, I'm here to act as Jaune's defense attorney."

Jaune tapped his friend on the shoulder. "Um, Ren?"

"Yes?"

The blond man leaned in and murmured in Ren's ear. "There's a bit of a problem. I... er... kinda did it. Last night I went to Junior's and kinda met some short girl and... well, I'll say that she's extremely flexible and leave it at that."

Ren shook his head. "Doesn't matter. A defense attorney will defend their client no matter what. Also, do you really want to let them punish you?" He motioned his head to Blake and Weiss who were frowning and crossing their arms, looking quite irritated at Ren's sudden appearance.

"G-good point." Jaune muttered, looking pale. "Wait. How do you know about... all this?" He gestured to the courtroom with his hands.

"Oh," Ren began, "Living with Nora made it necessary to learn certain skills... like avoiding legal trouble."

"That... that actually makes too much sense." Jaune grimaced.

Ren turned to Pyrrha. "I would like to present my defense to the court."

"Very well..." Pyrrha muttered, looking quite upset. "Give your case."

Ren stood up and nodded, walking out into the center of the class. "Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury-"

"There's nobody there!" Jaune groaned, hitting his head on the desk. Ren shot him a look and Jaune rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

"As I was saying, Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I may be a small town Eastern lawyer, but I can tell you with certainty that my defendant is not guilty of the heinous crime of which he's been charged. I'd like to present my first bit of evidence," Ren pulled out a small device from his pocket. "Jaune's blood alcohol content. Jaune, if you'd breathe into this, please?"

"O... kay?" Jaune confusedly complied with the request, breathing into the tube presented for him.

There was a few moments of silence, and then the thing beeped. "As you can see here, Jaune's blood alcohol content is .03, which would be expected from someone who'd gone out drinking." Ren explained, pacing back and forth in front of Pyrrha.

"Even if Mr. Arc was intoxicated, it does not exonerate him from his crimes!" Pyrrha shouted.

"Exactly! He must be punished!" Weiss shouted.

"If you both would wait, I wasn't finished." Ren explained. "Where would one acquire alcohol, especially late at night after Jaune's success at pancake cooking?"

"At... a night club?" Pyrrha asked.

Ren snapped his fingers. "Exactly. Jaune, where were you last night after you left the cafeteria fight?"

"I was at Juniors."

"Objection!" Blake shouted, pointing a finger, "Jaune being at nightclub would be a perfect opportunity to find a woman with which to sleep with! Further more, it doesn't explain the fact that I could smell sexual pheromones on Jaune during the morning!"

"Take that!" Ren shouted back, also pointing a finger dramatically, "Among the activities that can be found at nightclubs, especially at seedier ones like Junior's, are drinking, drugs, and, above all, sex! Jaune could have simply been in the vicinity of such an activity and said pheromones would have simply been on him from the simple act of being nearby!"

"Hold it!" Was Weiss' response, she too pointing dramatically as though not to be left out. "Mr. Arc simply being in the vicinity of such an act would not cause him to be doused with a strong enough concentration of pheromones to be smelled on him after eight or more hours!"

"Objection!" Ren shot back, "Jaune could have been in contact with someone who'd just had sex! Perhaps even dancing with someone who had relations in one of the back rooms of Juniors! Such close contact, perhaps even so soon after an act would have had ample closeness in order to be effused with the pheromones!"

"Objection!" Blake shouted once more.

Pyrrha waited for a response and when none came, turned to Blake curiously. "On what grounds?"

Blake looked nervously to the side. "O-on the grounds that his evidence is hurting my case... and it was objectionable..."

Pyrrha started to deny the objection, but stopped. On one hand, she didn't have a reason. On the other hand... her mind wandered to the 'punishment' she had in mind for Jaune.

Jaune stared up at her above him, eyes wide and filled with adoration. "Pyrrha... my Goddess..."

She drooled for a moment before shaking her head and hitting the gavel. "Sustained."

Ren groaned and face palmed. "Right. Kangaroo Court. What was I thinking?"

Jaune slammed both of his hands on the table, the sudden noise causing everyone to jump in surprise. "Why is no one asking the important question?! How the fuck can Blake smell 'pheromones' on me in the first fucking place?!"

Pyrrha blinked. "Actually... profanity aside, Jaune does have a good point."

Everyone turned to Blake who drew her lips into a thin line. She was silent for a few moments before sighing and reaching up to pull off her bow. Everyone in the back of the room gasped as they noticed her furry black ears. Ruby let out a delighted gasp and a coo of cuteness, Yang murmured in approval, Weiss looked utterly shocked, Nora shouted something about kitties, Ren remained deadpan, Pyrrha had a look of slight surprise, and Jaune…

Jaune blinked. "Wait, you're a Faunus?"

Blake frowned. "You... didn't know?"

"How could I? You were wearing that bow! It was hiding those cat ear-" he stopped mid sentence. "Oooohhh, that's what you mean by 'cat-girl ninja!' Wait... that would mean that you..." Jaune's eyes widened. "So what you were saying was that you wanted me to..."

Blake glared. "Yes."

"Well..." Pyrrha shook her head. "Regardless, as Mr. Ren has no more evidence to prove his point, I hereby declare the defendant to be-"

"Hold it!" Ren shouted, pointing at Pyrrha again.

Pyrrha growled. "Mr. Ren, I will have you held in contempt of court!"

"Ah," Ren started, smirking, "I have my last piece of evidence. A star witness!"

Jaune's eyes widened and he recoiled. "Wait, how did you even know who I was with-"

Ren cut him off, pointing to the door. "I call to the stand... some random guy I met the other day while buying muffins!"

Everyone blinked in confusion, even as the doors to the makeshift courtroom burst open once more and in stepped another figure. This one was wearing a cream colored suit with a black bowler hat, orange bangs peeking out from under it. "Heeeey guys..." the man drawled. He stepped forward, swinging a cane in one hand.

"W-who are you?" Pyrrha asked, tilting her head.

"The name... is... wait... what's my name again?" The orange haired man asked, scratching his head with his cane.

"Roman." Ren spoke up. "Remember our little deal?"

Roman let out a laugh. "Oh, right! Yeah! Totally!" Roman reached into his pocket and withdrew a large cigar, his other hand reaching for a lighter and he began to light up in the middle of the courtroom.

"Excuse me, there is no smoking in the courtroom!" Weiss shouted angrily, readying her whip.

"Whoah, chill, Ice Queen! It's allllllll riiiiiight." Roman chuckled stupidly. He raised the cigar into the air, smoke trailing from the tip.

Ren opened up the briefcase, and within laid two gas masks. Jaune turned to his friend, who simply looked at him and grabbed one of the gas masks. "Put this on." Ren instructed.

"Wait, what?"

"Just do it. You'll see."

Jaune shrugged. Today had been confusing enough as it was, so, with a sigh of resignation, Jaune grabbed the other gas mask and slipped it onto his face, tightening it as much as he could. "Why are we doing this?"

Ren ignored the question, turning instead to Roman. "You know the drill. You do what I told you, and you get free pancakes."

"Right!" Roman cheerfully responded.

"Mr. Ren! This is a waste of the court's, and my, time! If you have nothing more to prove, than I will be giving the verdict!" Pyrrha shouted angrily, even as Blake and Weiss turned to Jaune with hungry and cruel smiles. Jaune could only shiver and try to hide behind his friend.

Roman stuck his cigar in his mouth and began to inhale, and inhale he did. Fifteen seconds... thirty seconds... a minute... a minute and a half; Roman took one of the longest drags ever, a puff on the rolled up blunt that would have put him easily into any book of world records, if he could be arsed to prove it to anyone. Everyone's complaints dropped dead as they watched the incredible feat, the blunt burning through with incredible speed until it was nothing more than ashes.

Then... silence.

"Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa..." Roman exhaled, and from his lungs a massive quantity of smoke rushed forth, the thick, cloying, and odd smelling cloud beginning to spread quickly throughout the room.

Pyrrha was the first to react. "What on Remnant do you think you're doing?! Stop that immediately! This room doesn't have good ventilation and you're filling it with... with..." the redhead trailed off in mid rant, her eyes going dull and unfocused. "Wait... what... what am I doing again?"

Blake and Weiss were also looking... off. Blake was busy batting lazily at Weiss' ponytail, and Weiss was slumped forward on her desk, giggling stupidly. Jaune looked around the room to notice everyone suddenly acting... relaxed. People were staring at their hands, grinning dumbly and just generally looking like they were…

"Is that pot smoke?! Are they all having a contact high?"

"Indeed." Ren responded quietly, nodding sagely. "And Pyrrha? You were just about to pass Jaune's 'Not Guilty,' verdict."

Pyrrha stared blankly at her gavel before nodding. "R-... right... not guilty... or whatever..." she blinked and tilted her head. "I'm hungry."

Everyone around the room, Roman included nodded and murmured with agreement. "Yeah, we're starving..."

"Case dismissed or something... let's all go get pancakes." Pyrrha drawled, practically stumbling out of her seat and making her way to the door, the entire courtroom slowly following suit.

Jaune tilted his head, and while his face was concealed by the gas mask, his expression was still one of utter incredulousness. "How..." he turned to Roman. "How high are you?"

Roman placed his hands slightly apart from each other. "This many... like... if you took the back of one hand... and went alllllllll the way around Remnant... to the back of the other hand... that many."

"..." Jaune sighed and turned to Ren. "Looks like we win?"

"Of course. I've been undefeated since I've started this, after all."

"There's only one problem."

"Oh?"

Jaune placed his head on one hand. "I cant' help but feel that we've cheated..."

Death Count: 2,043

Next on Immortal: The Return of Yellowbeard

"James, you're insane. Yellowbeard's been dead for hundreds of years."

"I've been hunting him ever since he struck Atlas two years ago!"

"He rides a ship that travels upon land, and is followed by a haunting melody!"

"Yeah, my dad forbid me from getting drunk after what happened two years ago. Don't remember what happened, but I'm not allowed even near rum."

"Why did you send me half naked cosplay photos?"

"If this club blows up, I'm blaming you."

"When I come back from a mighty quest, I have no need for sleep or rest; I head to the tavern for a drink and get so drunk I cannot think!"

"I want more wenches! More wenches and mead! Wenches and Mead be what I need!"

"Ahoy! 'Tis I, Captain Yellowbeard, Scourge of Remnant's seas! I be here to plunder your booty!"

Author's Note: Ahahahahahaaha! (falls over) I did it! The next chapter of Immortal! I told you I'd get it to you people! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to finish the next chapter of Mastermind (finally) and Unwinnable! What is wrong with me? Am I insane?

Or is it this fic that's making me insane… 0_o

As always, remember to leave a review!

(This chapter beta read by Maxaro!)