Like the world's worst zombie, back from the dead, it's:

Immortal

Chapter 16: Eye of the Beholder (Which One?)

He awoke.

Silk sheets? I have a funny taste in my mouth. My crotch hurts. One of my hands is cuffed to the bed. His gaze looked to his left. Yep. I'm at Neo's. How much did I drink? Try as he might, he couldn't quite remember the events of the night previous. He'd gone drinking with Yang, that much he remembered, but the events of the bar were a giant blur eventually fading to black. Somehow during that night he'd ended up in Neo's bed, again. From the smells, aches and fact that Neo was currently clamped to his side wearing not a scrap of clothing, he assumed they'd slept together again, something he sorely wished he could remember.

Neo stirred. Her multicolored eyes opened and she gave him a lazy grin.

"Hey." Jaune smiled back. "So...how drunk was I last night?"

His friend-with-benefits laughed silently before pantomiming something involving an...eyepatch? A hook hand? Jaune watched her go through the motions, the wheels in his head turning (although they were creaking with him having just woken up.) until he eventually managed to come to a conclusion. "I...was acting like a pirate?" Further pantomiming (which did some very fun things to her lovely naked figure) clarified her statement. "I was dressed like a pirate?" Even more movements. "Wait, you're saying that I dressed up like a pirate, somehow found a galleon that could sail on land, dueled General Ironwood of Atlas, acquired a pirate crew and then…" He trailed off. Neo performed even more movements and after Jaune managed to snap himself out of a nudity-induced trance, he finished with, "...and I blew up your place of employment?"

Despite the subject matter, Neo gave a nonchalant nod, as though she'd just said that Jaune went shopping for tropical fish while drunk. Jaune went silent for a minute before bursting out into laughter. "A pirate? A land-ship? Neo, are you sure it wasn't you who was drunk?"

"..."

Jaune hit the ground in the hallway outside Neo's penthouse with a thud, rubbing his rear. The door slammed behind him and Jaune gave a frown. "Can I at least have my pants back?"

Silence.

Then the door opened up and a pair of jeans flew out, hitting Jaune in the face before slamming again in his face. Jaune sighed, stood to his feet and shuffled into his jeans. He turned to the door, drawing his lips into a thin line. "So...um...I'll see you next Saturday?" Jaune queried to the door.

More silence.

Just as Jaune assumed that he must have offended Neo to the point of her wanting to shun him completely, the door opened up once again and a slender hand poked out giving a thumbs up before the door shut a third time. Jaune smiled with relief, shrugged and turned on his heel, walking off with a whistle once more. Maybe Yang could enlighten him to the real truth of what happened the previous night. He scoffed.

Pirates.

How absurd.

[Beacon Academy - Team JNPR Dorm Room]

Luck had been on his side on the way back from Neo's and he hadn't been accosted again, managing to get into the restroom of JNPR's dorm to take a shower before anyone could catch wind of his tryst. He must have gotten back as breakfast had started, which would have explained why everyone was currently missing from his dorm. Showered, dressed and ready to start the day, Jaune put a hand on the doorknob and opened it up…

Only to end up getting hit in the face as Yang, having meant to knock on the door, rapped on his face with her knuckles as she was chatting with Ruby, not facing him. "Ow. Ow. Ow." Jaune muttered with each strike.

"Huh-Jaune!" Yang recoiled in surprise before suddenly glaring at Jaune. "You've got some serious explaining to do!"

Jaune rolled his eyes. "Relax. I was-" Jaune stopped and looked down at Ruby who was smiling innocently up at the two of them before continuing with, "Erm, I was sleeping over at a friend's place."

"What? No, I'm not talking about where you've been!" Yang exclaimed, "I'm talking about the events of last night! How the hell did you do all that? The ship? The cannons? The fact that you threw me in the brig and I had to punch my way out!" Yang's body suddenly ignited, her eyes turning red.

"Ship? For the love of Oum, are you drunk too? First Neo, now you, I don't own a land-sailing ship!" Jaune groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Yeah," Ruby added, speaking up in an attempt to calm her sister down, "Yang, that was Yellowbeard, not Jaune!"

Yang's Semblance instantly turned off and she slowly turned to her sister. "Seriously, Ruby? You couldn't tell? That was just Jaune in a cheesy pirate outfit!"

Ruby and Jaune exchanged glances and both started to laugh. "Man, you must have been more drunk than I was last night!" Jaune shook his head, leaning against the doorframe to his dorm for stability.

Yang growled and once again her body burst into flames as her Semblance was triggered yet again. "I wasn't that drunk! You were dressed as some Halloween pirate, you were sailing a galleon around Vale causing havoc and eventually ended up crashing your ship down at the docks!"

Jaune rolled his eyes. "Yang, that's impossible. How would that even work? A wooden galleon on land? If I caused that much trouble, wouldn't I end up arrested?"

"Yang, I was there." Ruby added. "That wasn't Jaune! Isn't that right, Crescent Rose?" Ruby pulled her weapon out and stared at it expectantly, as though waiting for its response. When there was none, Ruby laughed. "Oh Crescent Rose, you're so silly! How could Jaune warp reality when he's drunk through is actual Semblance and become a pirate? That's just absurd. Obviously Yellowbeard came back from the dead to wreak havoc upon the living in order to quench his insatiable blood lust!"

Once again Yang's Semblance turned off and she facepalmed, sighing. "I never ever thought I'd say this, but I think I'm agreeing with whatever it is your weapon is supposedly saying."

"And now you're agreeing with an inanimate object." Jaune muttered. "Your stability falls into question further and further by the sentence."

Yang's eyes flashed red a third time and she cocked a fist back, growling angrily. "What on Remnant are you doing?!" A voice yelled out, causing Yang to pause, yet again, and turn to the speaker, noticing that Weiss and Blake were walking up to her.

"Weiss, Blake, back me up on this!" Yang replied, pointing to Jaune, "He was that insane pirate who was causing chaos in Vale the other day!"

Blake cocked an eyebrow. "Um, what? Yang, you weren't there, so I won't blame you, but that was Yellowbeard, not Jaune."

"Seriously, Yang. How could you get Yellowbeard and Jaune confused?" Weiss reached for her scroll and after a few quick hits on the holographic keyboard, pulled up a picture of the previous night's high seas assailant. She walked toward Jaune and held the scroll with the picture up next to him before turning her attention once again to Yang. "Look, the two of them look nothing alike!"

Yang's expression went flat. "You...you're joking, right? You've got to be fucking with me. LIke, you can't possibly be serious. They look exactly alike!"

Weiss sighed and shook her head slowly, tsk-ing. "Yang, Yang, Yang. We're going to have to take you to get your eyes checked, aren't we? I'll set up the appointment."

"What?! No! I don't need-how can you not see this?!" Yang snapped, eyes wide with shock.

"What, just because they're both blond?" Blake replied. "Although neither one of them will give me the time of day…" The cat-faunus leveled a glare at Jaune who suddenly became extremely preoccupied with his own shoes.

"No! They look exactly alike! How on Remnant am I the only one who can see this?! Oh god, am I going insane?!" Yang clutched her head and slowly sank into a fetal position, rocking back and forth while her sister quietly knelt beside her and gently patted her.

"It's okay Yang, there's plenty of Hunters who have to wear glasses...I think." Ruby added sheepishly, only serving to cause her older sister to break into whimpers.

Ding-dong-ding-dong…

Can Mr. Arc please come to the Headmaster's Office? Repeat: Can Mr. Arc please come to the Headmaster's Office. Thank you.

A voice spoke up over the intercoms, causing Jaune's head to snap up and blink before cocking an eyebrow in confusion. "Huh. Wonder what Ozpin needs me for." Jaune looked down at Yang and drew his lips into a line. "Hm. Is she going to be okay?"

Weiss sighed. "She'll be fine; she's just being overdramatic. It's nice to see someone else undergoing a mental breakdown for a change…"

"That seems a tad bit cruel…" Blake answered, watching her partner rocking back and forth.

"What? And it's not cruel when that dunce refuses to pay attention to me and keeps breaking the laws of physics with his repeated resurrections?" Weiss huffed and crossed her arms, her icy gaze following Jaune as he quickly made his way away from his dorm room and toward the elevator at the Emerald tower, as though trying to avoid the conversation occurring.

"Hey, don't talk to me about Jaune not paying attention to you. I swear, it's impossible to get him to…" Jaune quickly shut out Blake's voice, his footsteps hurrying faster away from team RWBY before any of them started getting any ideas...

[Beacon Academy - Headmaster's Office]

Ding!

The elevator doors opened up onto Ozpin's office and Jaune stepped out into the office proper, the doors automatically closing behind him. Ozpin himself looked up from his holographic screens, his expression tight-lipped and his brow furrowed. Simply put, the headmaster looked frustrated, something that Jaune felt delighted about, and made no effort to hide as he strode toward Ozpin. "How can I help you, oh headmaster? Finally given up and decided to kick me out? Should I start packing my bags?"

Ozpin gave a short, bitter laugh. "Oh, no no no, Mr. Arc. I admit, this latest...attempt was impressive in both scope and scale. Even I can't figure out how you managed to pull it off, although I suppose I should be so lucky that James and nearly every other person involved in last night's debacle didn't seem to recognize you." The headmaster took a sip of his coffee, hiding his irritated gaze behind the mug. He placed it down, and continued. "How did you do it though? I mean, you not only managed to summon a full sized, land-bound galleon, but dueled James Ironwood, the General of Atlas himself and won."

Jaune groaned. "You too? First, Neo, then Yang, now you? Look, I admit, I might have had a bit much to drink last night, but me, turning into a pirate?!"

Ozpin's fingers flickered across his screen and drew up a video of the previous night, where one of his many Vale located cameras had captured Yellowbeard standing at the prow of his ship, triple-bladed cutlass held out triumphantly. "The proof, Mr. Arc, is right here."

"That looks nothing like me!" Jaune exclaimed, pointing at the picture.

"Mr Arc, that looks exactly like you. Unless you have a secret twin I haven't heard about, it appears as though you'd put on a cheap pirate outfit, summoned up a ship and have caused tens of thousands of Lien worth of damages to the city of Vale. What do you have to say for yourself?" Ozpin mused, with just a hint of anger in his voice.

Jaune scoffed. "If it was me, would you finally kick me out of Beacon?"

"No, but if you continue acting innocent about all of this, I might have to contact your mother…" Ozpin trailed off, the corner of his lips twitching upward as he watched Jaune go pale.

"N-no! You b-bastard! Fine, whatever, so what if it was me?!" Jaune snapped, slamming his hands onto Ozpin's desk.

"You said you were drunk, last night?" Ozpin queried.

"Yeah?"

Ozpin took another sip of coffee. "Very well. Then, from now on, you are forbidden from drinking alcohol. We do not need another repeat of last night. James still thinks he survived drowning and it took a couple of hours for myself and Ms. Goodwitch to convince him not to get his lungs replaced with artificial lungs. I swear, I think he wants to fully replace himself with cybernetics."

"What?! Come on, that's ridiculous! Just because the General of Atlas is delusional, I have to forgo drinking?! That's like a staple of Academy life!" Jaune complained.

"Too bad. The council is throwing a hissy fit, and it's only because everyone has seemingly acquired a non-terminal case of brain damage and can't seem to figure out that you and this pirate are one and the same, that this debacle hasn't been traced back to Beacon." With a sigh, Ozpin pinched the bridge of his nose, murmuring something under his breath about 'stupid' councilmen.

"Or maybe you and Yang are wrong, and that isn't me…" Jaune muttered angrily.

The headmaster glared. "How can you not see this? Isn't this like looking in the mirror? 'Yellowbeard' doesn't even have a beard!" Ozpin groaned and rubbed his face with his hands before clearing his throat. "Either way, I can't spend too much time on this, especially with the new students already arriving ahead of schedule."

"New students?" Jaune queried.

"For the Vytal tournament. It's supposed to be a show of 'solidarity' but between you and I, I think it's just an excuse for everyone to show off their "best and brightest." Ozpin sipped again on his coffee, then paused. "Actually…"

"Whatever it is, the answer is no." Jaune muttered.

"It could be a chance to sow some chaos…" Ozpin sing songed.

Jaune's face went expressionless. "You do realize that I'm not doing any of this because I enjoy it, right? I just want out of this establishment."

Ozpin went silent for a few moments. Then, "I'll increase Beacon's culinary budget by 10%."

"15%" Jaune retorted.

"12% and I'll allow you access to the special Teacher's Lounge."

Jaune narrowed his eyes. "Special Teacher's Lounge?"

Ozpin smirked. "You didn't think you've discovered the real one, have you?"

The blond student stroked his chin in thought, then let out a slow, low sigh. "What is it you want me to do?"

"Nothing too outrageous. Just keep an eye on the new blood and keep me updated on things, like suspicious characters, or the weaknesses of various students." Ozpin explained nonchalantly.

"Mentions of cheating aside," Jaune muttered dryly, "Define, 'suspicious.'"

Ozpin tapped his fingers on his desk as he gave it some thought. "Things like prospective students being too old to be students, students with strange prostheses and no explanation of why they have them, students acting overly friendly, you know, anything out of the ordinary."

"Sir, that explains literally everyone on this campus save for possibly Ren, You and Myself. And even the three of us have our quirks." Jaune ran a hand through his hair. "Still, I think I get what you're going on about. I'll keep an eye and ear out for you. Might as well, as I'm stuck here."

Ozpin steepled his fingers before his face. "Excellent. Now if you'll excuse me, I have paperwork to do. These falsified transcripts aren't going to pass themselves."

Jaune blanched. "Excuse me?"

"Nothing, nothing, just an old man rambling. I'd never pass a student with false transcripts just for my own entertainment; what kind of headmaster do you take me for? Now, off with you. The students should just be getting in now." Ozpin waved Jaune away with one hand, and said reluctant student turned on his heel and strode off back toward the elevator.

[Beacon Academy - JNPR/RWBY Dorm Hall]

By the time Jaune had returned, Yang must have gotten over her mental breakdown and she, along with team RWBY, were conversing in the hallway with a group of three students that Jaune had never seen before. They were wearing uniforms from what was obviously another school, clueing Jaune that they must have been a few of the new students Ozpin had been talking about. As he approached, and got a better look at them, he noticed something. Two of them, a young, mocha-skinned woman with mint green hair, and a boy with silver hair and dark pants, looked to be the right age for Hunters-in-training. The third, a woman that Jaune wondered if she did porn as a profession, and if so, if he could find any of her work, looked out of place in the school uniform.

She must be a new teacher, or a transfer from one of the other schools. Jaune approached. "Hello there!"

The three newcomers turned around to face Jaune and team RWBY shifted their attention to Jaune. "Ah, Jaune! What did Ozpin want?" Ruby asked curiously.

Jaune shrugged. "Nothing important, just some last minute paperwork," he lied. He extended a hand toward the three newcomers. "I"m Jaune Arc, leader of team JNPR. You are all…?"

The boy stepped forward and grasped his hand, shaking it firmly. "Ey, yo, I'm Mercury Black. Nobody here in Vale spits fire like I do!"

Jaune cocked an eyebrow. "Erm...good to know?"

"You interested in gettin' lit, fam?" Mercury asked, reaching into his shirt and pulling out a translucent CD case.

"N-no thank you." Jaune waved him off, much to Mercury's visible disappointment.

Next, the younger woman stepped up to shake hands with him. "I'm Emerald Sustrai." Jaune and her shook hands, but as they did, Emerald's other hand reached out and with one deft movement, took his Scroll from his pocket.

"Um...that's my Scroll." Jaune muttered, confused and taken aback by Emerald's audacity. Before Emerald could pocket the item, Jaune's hand shot out and yanked it back from her with a speed that bordered on blurring.

"Nice to meet you." Emerald replied, as though the previous events didn't just happen.

Lastly, the third woman approached and extended her own hand with the air of royalty. "I'm Cinder Fall. Pleased to make your acquaintance."

Jaune shook her hand too, smiling. "A pleasure to meet you, m'am."

Cinder blinked, then gave a very unconvincing laugh. "Please, I'm a student, just like you."

It was Jaune's turn to laugh, although his was much more genuine. "Nice one, Ms. Fall. Seriously though, it is nice to meet you. What do you teach?"

"Jaune!" Ruby chastised her friend, "Cinder is a student like us!"

Jaune laughed again. "Good one, Ruby. Did you guys come up with this because of the whole 'pirate' thing?"

"No, Jaune, she's actually a student." Blake added.

Meanwhile, Mercury leaned in close to Cinder, murmuring, "Hey, should I bust a cap in his ass?"

Cinder shook her head. "No. Him managing to see through my clever disguise is all according to plan." To that, Mercury smirked, nodded and leaned back.

As Jaune and Team RWBY argued over Cinder's teacher or student status, and as Mercury, Emerald and Cinder watched on, Jaune could only stop and think to himself, Huh. Didn't think I would run into 'suspicious' students already, but Cinder, a teacher? If she's a student, then I'm a teacher…

And how goofy would that be?

A/N: HEY! We're back! I know, I know, it's been forever since I updated Immortal, but the issue with Immortal is that it requires a certain...erm...mindset to update.

That mindset being utter and complete insanity. Between work and life being draining, I haven't had the chance to just sit back and let my mind go free for a glut of pure crack, but I thought, 'hey, it's the fifth most followed RWBY fic on , so why not give the people what they want?' and here we go! Hopefully we won't have to wait another half a year for another update, but I make no promises.

And that last little statement was NOT a dig at Professor Arc, but merely an omage. Seriously, there's a reason it's so popular; if you haven't read it, then what the hell are you waiting for?!

Signing off for now, this is LaughingLefou.