I sometimes look back and laugh at my younger self. It wasn't so much how I didn't realize or allow myself to admit the growing attraction I had to my soulmate. Why did I amuse myself so? It was the romantic in me. It was the person who looked for the good in everyone and in every situation. Sometimes it was a good thing. Sometimes not so much. But seeing the numerous men I allowed to 'turn my head' still gives me reason to laugh. I don't think my everything was so amused at the time. And even as I pen this, she reading over my shoulder, I don't think she's amused.
Or is she? She just swatted me on the behind before laughing. Her nightly ritual has begun. Even though she hasn't picked up her sword in many moons, she still sharpens and cleans it each night. Same with her trusty chakram. In some ways, it's good to know some things never change. In other ways, I'm glad I grew up. I'm glad we admitted our feelings. I'm glad we learned from our pasts and have built what we have. But again, I'm getting ahead of myself…
Chariots of War
It was difficult for Gabrielle to speak of her emotions. While she knew her new friend had them, Xena was also a warrior. She was stoic. She kept those feelings buried deep within so that no one could use them against her. It didn't always work. And sometimes Gabrielle could see through those times when Xena was masking her feelings.
But when Gabrielle had related the story of the two lovers, Xena had practically been mocking her. It had hurt, in a way, to think the warrior was that coldhearted. Not coldhearted, so much as closed off from those kinds of feelings. Why? Was it the fact Gabrielle dreamed of her soulmate each night? It was a faceless, shapeless figure that gave her untold warmth, comfort and safety.
The thought Xena would lead a life of solitude, outside of Gabrielle's companionship and perhaps mother's love caused great sadness. Gabrielle wanted so much more for her warrior princess. But would Xena ever want more for herself? Want more for Gabrielle?
And here they were once again. Gabrielle was at least waving and Xena looking back at her. This time there was a promise of only a day or so of separation as Xena rode ahead. And yet, Gabrielle's heart was aching. Or was that her soul? The bard shook her head. She had time to kill. While she wasn't in the greatest of taverns, it wasn't quite as unsavory as the last place they had left.
And yet, there was the drunk. The one who wouldn't leave her alone. Normally using Xena's name was enough to ward off whatever unwanted advances came her way. Or in the last case, being eaten. And then there he was. Gabrielle hadn't even thought about it. She had seen him sitting there. His eyes were kind. While he wore the outfit of a potential warrior, there was something soft about him.
And he had been gallant. He had allowed her to use him so that she could rid herself of the drunk. Sitting on his lap was different than when she had done so with Perdicus. Was it because he was a stranger and this was supposed to be an incredible no-no? Or was this man potentially the tree in the forest she had been seeking? Anything was possible.
But if he was Gabrielle's tree, she would have to leave Xena. The thought nearly crushed her. Nearly crushed her soul. It was silly how close she had come to Xena in such a short time, wasn't it? Or were there just those you were meant to be friends with. That you needed to be with more than anything in the world. If that was the case, leaving Xena one day would be impossible to do.
Yet watching this dark and dangerous young man leave had not been as difficult as Gabrielle had thought. In fact, he had practically run away at the description of Xena. But then, who could blame him? Xena was an impressive warrior. She could fight off anyone. And she had so many talents that Gabrielle had yet to witness. She couldn't wait to see all that Xena had to offer her.
As Gabrielle sat around the campfire, she couldn't help but wonder where Xena was. Had this been a ruse? Had this been the time to leave her behind like she had thought wouldn't actually happen? She shivered at the thought. How she missed one of Xena's catches. Whether it was a fish or other delectable morsel, it seemed to cook better when her friend caught it. She had attempted to catch something herself, but had failed miserably. It was something else she would need Xena to one day teach her.
It had been too long since Xena had been gone. In the morning, she would attempt to find Xena's trail. For now, she needed to attempt to get some sleep. And hope the meager meal she had managed to pay for at the inn would keep her until she once again met up with her friend. As she wrapped herself tightly in her bedrolls, she noticed how quiet the camp was. Odd. Since her warrior was quiet, even in her sleep.
It took forever to find her warrior. When Gabrielle did, Xena explained she was in trouble. And what was more, she wanted to leave her somewhere. Why? There was always danger. Just being Xena's traveling companion placed her in that kind of danger. While there would be times it would be better if Gabrielle remained somewhere, something was telling the young woman she was needed wherever it was Xena was heading.
Why had Gabrielle rambled on so? Why had she spoken of the stranger from the bar like she could marry and have kids with. That he could be her tree? And to almost say she didn't want to end up alone like Xena…Gabrielle was actually grateful for the interruption. But she wasn't glad for having to ride Argo. It was clear the horse didn't care for her one bit. It wasn't that she wasn't fond of her, it was…It was a story for another time.
Gabrielle couldn't believe how naïve and stupid she had been. Well, not stupid so much as naïve. She had thought the man was honorable. And in a way, he could be. After all, he had said his father made him do things he didn't want to do. And that jump. Could she have been any worse? She would have to practice her great escapes. After all, she was with Xena now. Well not with her with her but traveling with her.
And the talk. As they stood, Xena having taken out Sphareus' father, Gabrielle wondered what her new friend would say to her. And there was the realization. It wasn't Sphareus that she had been attracted to. It was the thought of someone who was her tree. It had caused her to want him to be that. Without even knowing a thing about him. It wasn't even his somewhat dark past as Xena had one. It was…
Saying goodbye to Sphareus wasn't as difficult as Gabrielle had thought it would be. A little awkward, but other than that it was…It was as if she was leaving behind a part of her past. Albeit brief past. It wasn't unlike leaving Perdicus behind. It wasn't unlike leaving her village behind. While each would hold a place in her heart always, there was something more for her out there.
And the fact Gabrielle, at least for a short time, was destined to travel with Xena. Yes, good could be found in unlikely places. She'd discovered that as a youth. And she had discovered it in a clearing not far from her village. In their first real adventure together, they had discovered beauty when there could have been destruction. It was as simple as taking a chance. It was as simple as living and learning. And what would Gabriele continue to learn on her travels with Xena?
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Two lovers being trees? Xena couldn't see it. Nor could she see herself or anyone intertwined for eternity. She knew her new friend would be a hopeless romantic. Though her only romantic entanglements were far from memorable. Each had affected her in a different way. Some in good ways. Some in not. There was only one good thing that had truly come of any of them. It was a secret that must remained buried. Even from Gabrielle.
Xena shook off the memories thoughts of the past caused to float to the surface. It wasn't the negative memories, though those were the ones that hit her the hardest. There was a time before Lyceus had perished in battle that were pleasant enough. When Toris, Lyceus and herself had been a family, along with their mother. Only thing missing had been their father. He had only been an idea Xena had never even known.
Forget her? Xena shook her head as she rode off. There was no way she would ever forget Gabrielle. And there was no way she would ever leave her. While every so often she made the empty threat to do so, the young woman had engrained herself into the warior's…Heart? Soul? Did I matter which? All that mattered was Gabrielle wasn't about to be left anywhere.
But the sounds. Xena knew there was trouble. She had to help. And when she saw the boy was in trouble, it caused her to leap into action. Was it a reminder of what she had missed with her own son? The fact it had been how many seasons and she had not seen any of his important moments in life? There was no way she would allow whoever this boy's parents were to miss out on all that she had.
Her instincts were spot on. The arrows had easily been caught. But then, there was the searing pain. How many times had she unfortunately felt a similar pain over the years? How many scars were her body riddled by? It was always so difficult to give into the pain. And yet, eventually her body always had to. And why she had fallen from her horse. Why she had awoken in the strange bed.
Being without her weapons was new to her. True, Xena had recently attempted to bury her weapons. But that hadn't lasted long as she had needed to come to the aid of her new friend and her friends. And with an unknown element attempting to harm this little village, she wasn't much use to them without her weapons. She wasn't like Gabrielle who was armed with words instead of weapons.
Talking Darius through how to tend her wound wasn't the easiest. It wasn't only the fact the pain was causing her to nearly lose consciousness. It was the intimacy of the moment. Very few had seen her this helpless. Very few had been trusted to heal a wound. Whether it was because he was a family man or if it was because she was merely desperate, Xena was uncertain.
And the kids. Xena wasn't certain how to deal with them. Scaring them had been fun, in a way. But she didn't want them scared of her. Scared of becoming dark as she had once been, perhaps. But not scared of her now. It was how she wanted Gabrielle. It was amazing to realize that with only a short time together how much she wanted Gabrielle to be with her.
The young girl especially reminded her of Gabrielle. Innocent. Yet, there was an inner strength. Even without speaking, the young girl exuded something. She only hoped one day she would find her voice. Both literally and metaphorically. After all, it was an impossible world they lived in. Being silent was the worst thing one could do.
Overhearing the conversation had told Xena what she always knew would happen. No matter where she went, she wouldn't be welcomed. There were too many tales of her dark past that would follow her. Perhaps one day, people wouldn't fear the name Xena. Destroyer of Nations. Warrior Princess. Perhaps one day they would equate it with the woman she was slowly becoming. With the help of a friend.
Leaving had been the right thing. Xena could do more for the tiny village if she left. It was her reputation that would attract more of the wrong kind of attention. Besides, she could do what she did for Gabrielle's home village. And what was that? She could attempt to stop the plundering before it started. Before they stepped in the village. Besides, there was Gabrielle waiting for her somewhere.
And that was when she heard it. Xena knew without looking. It was what she would do. She would hit the village where it hurt them the most. First, there was the food supplies. Then it would be the water. Whatever else she could do to gain control. Even if it was only temporary, she would make certain she got everything she could out of one place.
Peace? These kinds of people didn't want peace. The only thing that caused Xena to hesitate, to agree to the meeting, was Darius' words. She had once been like them. Something had caused her to change. Was she so different? While it was true sometimes there was no changing certain people, there were those that only needed that one action. That one word. That one something that could cause them to change.
Perhaps among those after the village, there was that one person. The one who could see the light. Who could then talk the others down. And there wouldn't have to be bloodshed. That there could be peace. It was something she hoped to one day see in the known world as a whole. But knew it wouldn't happen in her lifetime. Too many were set in their ways.
Slipping into a dead woman's dress was not something Xena had been prepared for. The fighting, that was second nature. Negotiating was something she had learned, if only because it was akin to blackmailing. Plus, it had put those she was attempting to get whatever she could from at ease. But she'd almost always done it in one of her warrior outfits.
Not exactly true as certain images flowed through her mind. And the way Darius had looked at Xena…It wasn't something she wanted. It wasn't something she needed. She already had a similar look from a certain blonde who was probably worried sick about her. And who wouldn't leave Xena's thoughts.
Xena was glad she had remained for the meeting. However, she wasn't glad she had agreed to leave her weapons behind or wear the dress. It had been ruined. Just like the chances of peace. But what else was she supposed to do? Allow these men to slaughter innocent people? Didn't Darius see what was happening?
The pain of war. The words had cut Xena and caused her to pause for a moment. She knew the pains of war. Not the war she had waged as a ruthless killer. But the war she had waged when attempting to defend her home village. Fighting beside Lyceus. The only thing missing would have been fighting beside Toris. Perhaps that would have changed things. Or maybe they should have attempted peace? As Darius had said, they would never know now.
Walking out on the children, even if it was for their protection and that of the village, was difficult to do. But Xena had to what she had. There was no way she could allow the war to touch them. Especially she couldn't allow it to touch them like it had Lyceus. And she was sorry for Darius. She knew she had reminded him a little of his wife. Walking out on him, for that reason, wasn't easy.
But what made it that much more easy? Finding Gabrielle. And the way Gabrielle wouldn't back down. The fact she gave her a difficult time for finding trouble. It was…It was like what she had with Lyceus, in some ways. If nothing else, she was discovering one thing fast. While she might never have the family she had growing up with Lyceus, Toris and her mother, she had Gabrielle. And that was more than enough to fill the void that had been missing all these seasons. Hence how easy it had been to apologize for worrying Gabrielle.
Using Gabrielle to distract the men hadn't been easy. But it had been necessary. Placing Gabrielle in that kind of danger. And when she had nearly fallen to the ground and been trampled instead of making the leap, it had caused something in her heart to pound. Hence the way she had yelled at her young friend.
How could Xena have been so distracted she left her chakram behind? It was a special weapon. It was the one she had been given when she had become a certain god's chosen. While she didn't always regret her time with Ares, she knew it was part of the reason she had become so evil. Why she had become so bloodthirsty. But the weapon, it meant as much to her as Argo. And now how much Gabrielle was.
Fighting Gabrielle's supposed tree? How had it come to this? Xena knew they had to have more than a talk about her choice in men. It was giving in too easily to her need for something. After all, it was Xena's need to fight. Then her need for vengeance that had taken her on the dark path she had journeyed on for so long. If she could ease Gabrielle some of the heartache and growing pains, perhaps it would make up for some of her past misdeeds.
Another death. But it had led to peace. Gabrielle's tree in the forest had seen to that. Had more lives being lost, even the kind Xena had taken been worth it? When she looked at the children having fun, it was more than worth it. And she would continue to do what she could to make the lives of those in villages like this one better, safer and more content.
And what did Xena mean when she'd found her happiness? The fact there had been a family, not unlike what she had grown up with. It wasn't her family, but it could one day be hers again. One day. When she was ready. And with the right person, she could finally settle down. Maybe, once she had redeemed herself. Sadly, that day may never come. She had far too much to make up for.
But the fact Xena was traveling with someone, who accepted her, faults and all, was a start. And she knew she would have to stop threatening to leave Gabrielle in the next village. Or send her home. For there was one thing she already knew. Once again, Gabrielle was her family. Or could be, if they continued to trust one another. Fight alongside one another. And to teach each other what they knew.
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"You don't have to say a word." Gabrielle was sore. It was partially from the frantic leap. Partially it was from the accident she had caused. That was merely physical pain. It was something she was accustomed to. Being a laborer on a farm, she was used to doing things that would cause her to ache and bleed.
What she wasn't accustomed to was aches of the heart. But what had Gabrielle wondering was if this ache was over a man or if it had to do with the fact Xena had been disappointed in her. It had been crystal clear in her voice. And from the way she had said they needed to talk about her choice in men. Nothing more need be said as far as Gabrielle was concerned.
"I think I do." Xena pulled up on the reins. They had been traveling with what light had remained after their latest little adventure. One that had her sore and cursing the fact she had somehow missed the third arrow. While it was true she only had two hands, her reaction time used to be so she could use her mouth or drop the arrows and use her hands once again.
It was time to stop. She just wished they'd made better time. Xena sighed. It wasn't only her once again holding back so that Gabrielle didn't feel bad, it was because her own body still ached. The arrow wound would be sore for the next moon, at least. It was the tumble they had taken. She had been attempting to brace Gabrielle from the fallout, but had failed miserably.
How many times would she fail? Xena shook her head. There was no way of preventing it all, at least not while the kid remained basically defenseless. Yes, Gabrielle was a talker. And in some cases, being a talker was all that was needed. But in others, a sword or some other weapon was the only thing someone understood. Xena had once been that way.
"Why don't I get us something to eat while you prepare camp." Xena also needed to prepare what she needed to say. She could tell Gabrielle wasn't dealing with what had happened very easily. And the way Xena had spoken to her was one of the reasons. But what other could there be? This friendship thing was turning out more difficult than Xena had thought it would ever be.
Without a word, Gabrielle went about her business. Xena inwardly sighed. What was she to say to her friend? To make certain Gabrielle understood. It wasn't necessarily a reflection upon the young woman. It was her youth. It was her inexperience. That even Xena had many regrets over the past few seasons when it came to her supposed romantic liaisons.
It was only a matter of moments before Xena had caught two fish from the stream. Catching them usually calmed her. It normally helped her to focus her thoughts. At the moment, her thoughts were anything but focused. One moment, they were on how easily she had fallen for the notion of a family. The next, how jealous she was Gabrielle might have found her tree. And how lonely her life would be without the young woman.
And how her life wasn't so lonely with Gabrielle in it. How the time she'd spent with the family had been so much like the time she spent with Gabrielle. Xena knew these were dangerous times. That these kinds of feelings could lead to something so much more. They had in the past. At least, twice they had. She couldn't, nor she wouldn't, allow that to happen. Not again. It cost too much in the past.
As Xena made her way into camp, quiet as she always was, she thought she could hear something. It was something she hadn't heard since before she had left Amphipolis. It had been the soft sound of a heart breaking. At the time, it had been her mother who had been the one crying. Crying for her son. Crying for her daughter. And crying for a way of life ending.
Gabrielle had attempted not to cry. It wasn't from what had happened with Sphareus. Though it had been a learning experience, it had been the thought of disappointing Xena. Of upsetting her in anyway. It really was that simple. And it was causing her to fear once again the possibility that she could be sent away or left somewhere.
It was unusual, but there was the snapping of a twig. Gabrielle quickly wiped the tears from her face before she leaned closer to the fire. She had been prepared for fish. Their camp was near the stream and it made sense Xena would attempt to fish before attempting to catch whatever wild game she could come across. "If you've cleaned them, I can begin to cook them."
A shadow cast over the petite form before the fish were handed to Gabrielle. There were no words spoken as the young woman prepared the fish. She wished she had her sister's special seasonings. Perhaps in one of the larger villages she could procure some. Dinars not being something she came by easily; trade might have to be the way.
It wasn't until after they had eaten and Xena was doing her usual that she decided to speak. Gabrielle had begun the ritual of writing. Xena wasn't certain if they were stories or a private journal. Either way, she hoped she would be privy to what was written one day. In another, she hoped she wouldn't. It would be too intimate. It would possibly bring them closer.
"First, thank you for cooking. It's nice to eat something that isn't charred." When she only received a shrug in response, Xena knew this was going to be a more difficult conversation than she had first anticipated. Might as well get it over with. The worst case scenario nearly crippled Xena. And yet, if Gabrielle were to one day leave her, it would be for the best.
"Look, about what I said." Xena continued polishing her sword. It was her nervous habit. It was something to calm her nerves, something most thought she readily controlled. "I only want you to not learn the hard way. I have a few stories from my past that I'd rather not tell. And I'd rather you not learn from. So when I said we need to talk, that's all I meant."
Was it the smoke? Was it blowing in her face? Gabrielle knew better. They always sat next to one another before retiring for the night. They always sat on the side away from whatever breeze might be there to keep the smoke from their eyes. And yet, Gabrielle found herself nearly in tears once again. It was because once again she was reassured that, at least for now, she hadn't committed a sin to get her banned.
Xena knew she had to end one of the fears her travelling companion had. After their conversation earlier, she thought it had been understood. Yet, she also had it in the back of her mind. And she'd continued to think it. Unless she were to be the one to speak the words aloud. How had her life, at least emotionally, become so complicated?
The warrior placed her sword in its spot next to her bedroll. Her chakram was already where she could reach it while she slept. If sleep would come for her. Normally, a light sleeper, tonight there would be no sleep. Especially if she thought Gabrielle was still hurting or fearing being left behind. "There's something else we need to speak of."
Gabrielle hastily took hold of her scrolls. The moon and stars were behind the clouds. The air felt heavy and cool. Most likely, by morning there would be rain. It could mean an interesting night of sleep, if she were able to steal some. Her mind was jumbled. Her heart was hurting. And it all came down to this conversation she had feared she'd have with Xena ever since she had first begun traveling with her.
"I've come to a decision." Gabrielle's hands began to tremble. Xena could hear the parchment rattle. She knew she had to choose her words wisely. "We've established, on more than one occasion, that we are friends." The rattling lessened, if only slightly. "But I want you to know something. Even though it's only been a few weeks since we've begun traveling, it's been nice having you around. And it's up to you if you want to leave or continue traveling with me."
There was a part of Xena that was terrified. She still knew there were so many things that could cause Gabrielle to want to take her leave of her. There were safer ways to travel and yet gain life experiences. Perhaps Gabrielle would find her tree in the forest. The worst scenario was one Xena had nightmares about and would do her best to avoid. But she couldn't be everywhere at all times.
"You mean…?" Gabrielle's emerald eyes were wide. While she was an extremely confidant young woman, when it came to Xena wanting her to remain, she was anything but. It was odd how she could face down Cyclops, warlords and even angry mobs, but the fear Xena would reject her was sometimes nearly debilitating. It was something she would have to work on. It was something she would have to take on faith.
"I mean, the decision has always been yours." Xena wouldn't meet with Gabrielle's gaze. The words she had uttered somehow sentenced both their fates. And yet, it seemed that had happened the moment Xena had wandered into a clearing and come across a group of villagers that had needed someone. If it hadn't been for the selfless act of Gabrielle, would she have chosen to fight for them?
It was something she would wonder about. And yet, Xena knew she was on the path of redemption. Or at the least, she was readying to retire from wielding her sword. She'd wanted to go home. But there was that old saying, there was no going home. And yet, because of Gabrielle, she had been able to do that. And hopefully one day again she would be able to do so once again.
The hug caught her off guard. Xena hadn't readied herself for such contact. Gabrielle quickly composed herself and made her way onto her own bedroll. "I'm sorry. It's just after today, I wasn't certain if…" The young woman sighed. "I know we'd both said we didn't feel quite so alone being together. I guess, I was worried you were missing home."
"Home doesn't have to be a place." Xena didn't want to say it was a person. Though it was something she had learned from one of her past lovers. If only she'd taken the lesson to heart. "We can make home wherever we are together. And I'm afraid that means tonight is going to be a shelter." Just as Xena spoke the last sentence, the skies opened and the rain began pelting down.
It was new to their routine. Gabrielle managed to cover everything with the bedrolls while Xena made the makeshift shelter. It was enough to keep the fire going, but it caused them to have to huddle close together. As Gabrielle slept in her arms for the first time, Xena realized something. It was the first time she had felt the true impact of those words. Home wasn't a place. It was a person. Now if her home was ever taken from her…