I was so eager to grow up. I was so eager to pick up a sword and fight. I had no idea what it would mean, could mean. Even when Xena attempted to tell me, I had no idea what blood on one's hands felt like. I know it now. I've taken more lives than I care to admit. Some, it was for the greater good. Some, it was in defense of myself and the ones I love. The first one will forever haunt me, as my nativity and insistence on seeing the good in everything placed me in a no-win situation.

But once again, I am ahead of myself. And I feel arms wrapping around me. I'm sat at my desk in our small home just outside of Amphipolis. This is how I spend a majority of my days. Writing. Or rewriting. I want to put to parchment the life I've led with the most amazing woman. She has been my savior, my teacher, my lover and my soulmate.

I think I can actually feel the burning from her cheeks. And for the small chuckle I allow to escape, I earn a kiss to the top of my head. I can't believe it was ever so difficult. The learning process I had to endure. And yet, I wouldn't trade a second of it. Because every second I learned, I was either with Xena or she was with me in spirit.

And back to me being eager to grow up. To fight. While I know I was always destined to be the Battling Bard of Potidaea and walk beside Xena, but why was I always in a hurry to learn how to fight? I know part of it was because I was a simple farm girl. But I think, deep down, it was because I knew it takes more than words at times to make the world change. To make it a better place for all to live in.

Dreamworker

Wielding the sword felt…It felt different. It was heavier than Gabrielle had thought it would be. Yes, she was supposed to be gathering firewood. But the fact was, she needed to practice. She needed to know how to defend herself. That's partially what a sword was for, wasn't it? And with them always being in trouble, it just made sense that Gabrielle could wield one like her warrior best friend could.

And yet, as Gabrielle taunted the imaginary warrior, she knew. This wasn't her. Could it ever be her? She knew Xena would prefer if it was never her. And deep down, Gabrielle knew she was right. That she was more a bard than a fighter. That she would be better known as a person of peace than a person of war.

Still, her argument, Gabrielle thought, had been a valid one. And even after Xena had listed off the four rules, Gabrielle still thought she had a point. That was…Until the look. It was difficult to describe. The look of pain and regret that passed on her friend's face. It inwardly had caused Gabrielle to shudder. Was she still eager to learn to physically defend herself?

Yes. And words wouldn't always be enough. But they would, hopefully, get her through until she could one day learn to defend herself and others. Maybe not via a sword. There had to be other weapons out there that wouldn't be lethal. And yet, Gabrielle knew in certain people's hands, any weapon could be lethal. Or bare hands for that matter…

It was a lesson learned. The moment Gabrielle had picked up the sword, she had become a target. They had threatened to kill her. Even after she had dropped the sword, she had been a target. Thank the Gods Xena was able to fight more than one at a time. Luckily, there were very few who were even near the level of Xena's skills.

At least Xena hadn't come out and told her she was right. Still, it had irritated Gabrielle. One of the things so far about Xena. The warrior princess was almost always right. And why wouldn't she be? Even if there wasn't a great difference in age, Xena had seen so much more. She had done so much more. She had…

Gabrielle sighed as she wandered through the village looking for 'salt pork'. What she was really looking for was a way she could protect herself. Maybe even help Xena in the process. While Xena's warnings played out in her mind, the young woman only wanted to be like her best friend. Wanted to be able to defend herself and others.

And when she'd walked into the shop…It felt unusual. Even back home, Gabrielle had never walked into the blacksmith's shop. At least not where any of the weapons were kept. It was always for something to do with the farm. She didn't even know what half of the weapons were for. And when she'd attempted to lift one of the swords…

The smith was a confusing man. Why would anyone fear Morpheus? Sure, sometimes the dreams he brought weren't the most pleasant. But why would one fear him? In fact, Gabrielle loved to dream. It was where her imagination ran free. In fact, she now had a clearer picture of what her soulmate looked like. The figure was still faceless, but there was no mistaking they were dark and yet were of light.

Breast dagger? Gabrielle had never heard of such a thing. It was perfect for female warriors. A weapon that could easily be concealed. And yet, was just as lethal. And it made her feel…Words wouldn't come for her. It was as if she was now nearly equal when it came to Xena. Not that she would ever be that. She wasn't sure she wanted to be.

It was amazing how Xena had realized right away she'd been carrying the weapon. While her best friend might not have known what, she had known something was different with Gabrielle. And when the breast dagger had fallen from her dress…It was definitely embarrassing. And saying what she had about Xena's breasts? Where had that come from?

Not the horse again! Gabrielle hated riding horses. But after what had happened earlier in the clearing, she had no choice. It, at least, wasn't like the ride she had experienced before. And there was no frantic leap this time. But what there was was worse.

As the strange man explained what was to happen, Gabrielle wasn't certain which terrified her the most. The thought of marrying a God or the thought of a fight to the death. Some would say that it was an easy, no brainer. That she should be terrified of dying more. After all, she had no skills to speak of. Run. That's all Xena had told her. But there was something else Xena had also told her, but she couldn't remember it.

The marriage thing had her just as worried. After all, wasn't that part of the reason Gabrielle had left home? To avoid marrying? It wasn't because of who she was betrothed to. It could have been anyone. And now, she was to fight for the right to marry Morpheus? Or die trying to prove her worthiness? It was worse than being betrothed.

The first challenge had been easier than Gabrielle had thought it would be. Not that she wanted to see anyone killed, but it was a challenge of survival. And not drawing blood. Not killing. It would have made Xena proud. But the challenges were only going to become more difficult, wouldn't they? It was an unsettling thought.

Dreaming. It once meant everything to Gabrielle. It was her means of escape. It was her way to allow the images that she wanted to put to parchment to come to life. But now, it was her way of escaping the trials she found herself facing. And when she saw Xena…Never had she been so glad to see anyone in her life. And revealing the fact she'd had a sixth toe…

Stall. How was Gabrielle to stall? She'd already used one of Xena's rules. There weren't many left. How was she to continue, without bloodshed or worse? As Xena faded out of sight, Gabrielle strained to hear her. Her best friend had told her what she needed to do. But she couldn't hear her. Oh how she needed Xena by her side.

And Xena had been threatened. It didn't take a genius to read between the lines. Not only had her best friend been threatened, it had been made clear her blood innocence was what Morpheus wanted. Not that she hadn't been certain before, but now Gabrielle knew she had to face whatever challenge lay ahead, without drawing blood.

It hadn't been easy. Throwing away the dagger and leaving herself unarmed. But Gabrielle knew it would be easier not to be tempted to harm the men after her. But what did she know? What was this wisdom Xena had said she possessed? Words! Of course! She could talk herself out of any situation. She had with the cyclops. And had to get a ride to Amphipolis. Now was the time to prove it once again.

Xena would have been proud. For some reason, as much as surviving once again, that's what Gabrielle held onto. It's what she wanted more than anything. Traveling was amazing, but making Xena proud and happy were becoming almost what was driving her. Almost. And after being reassured she wasn't to be left anywhere, that the decision was up to her, it had made traveling that much more enjoyable.

Take a life or die? What choice was there in that? Gabrielle would die a thousand deaths before taking a life. She really had only wanted to help Xena. To learn to defend herself so that Xena didn't have to worry so much. But the lesson was a harsh one. One she wouldn't soon forget. And yet, she still wished she could help, in more ways than writing down the tales of Xena Warrior Princess.

And yet, it was an impossible situation Gabrielle found herself in. Daggers at her back. A man with a sword, waiting to strike her down. Picking up the sword felt…unnatural. And yet, even though she would die for innocents, protecting herself was instinct. At the last moment, there was Xena. There was an escape. Allow Xena to do the fighting. Give her the sword.

Impressing Xena! And all it took was a simple punch. That hurt like there was no tomorrow. Gabrielle was proud of herself as well. She'd remained true to herself. And learned she was not ready for a sword or weapon. But she was ready to continue learning all she could from Xena. And she vowed to attempt to, without getting into trouble.

Xena had been so eloquent. It wasn't on the epic scale that the warrior had been changed, but Gabrielle's experience had forever changed her. It was peaking over the edge. It was seeing that she was capable of doing exactly what Xena had said. There was the ability for us all to kill. If only in defense. And it terrified her. Almost as much as the thought of life without Xena.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()

Xena had been hunting. Something had told her to return to camp. What she had found…It was a little amusing. Watching Gabrielle play with her sword, at least in the manner she had been. But picking up a sword, even to use as an axe, it caused Xena to pause. It was the one thing she never wanted Gabrielle to experience. For once you took a life…or even merely shed blood…everything changes.

It hadn't been that long ago that she and Lyceus had been playing in the fields. They had been using wooden swords. But what it meant now. The fact Xena had killed too many to count…and had enjoyed it at one point in time…caused her to feel ill. And it had made her be sharper than she had intended with Gabrielle.

But she'd seen it before. The images assaulting Xena were nearly too much. Lyceus' body lying on the table in the main hall of her mother's inn. The way her mother had wailed for the loss of a child. Lyceus might have been nearly a grown man, he had still been her baby. And now that certain circumstances had changed, Xena could better relate to the pain and agony that still tortured Cyrene.

Using humor, Xena hoped, Gabrielle would get the point. That her sword was no toy. It wasn't to be used for anything but defending oneself. In Xena's case, that led to death. Way too often. And the thought of losing Gabrielle…It caused her to ache inside. She needed to joke. Or she might just lose the tight grip she had on her emotions.

Having to explain the difference between defending oneself and fighting were not helping Xena to maintain her grip. She only hoped, fervently, that Gabrielle was listening. That she wasn't just humoring her. Xena so needed a distraction. Though the one coming towards her wasn't the one she would have wanted…

As it led to yet another death. Why was it these warlords wanted to prove themselves? That once they discovered she was Xena they fought that much harder. And it made for escaping with their lives that much more difficult. And now, every life she took, even if they were worthless and irredeemable, haunted Xena in one way or another.

Making it to the village was just the distraction Xena needed. Of course Gabrielle insisting on continuing the lesson and even basically admitting she had been wrong. Without having to say the words. It had been…Perfect. And yet, all that mattered was the fact Gabrielle learned. That Gabrielle knew the consequences of her actions. And not the hard way like Xena had over the years.

And while it was endearing how much Gabriele wanted to help, in any way possible, it was too dangerous. Once again, her thoughts were on Lyceus. She needed a distraction. Gabrielle wandering off, supposedly in search of salt pork, was as good as any. And the fact the man had asked so many questions about her. And had refused to sell the outcast a halter.

One of them? Xena sighed. How many times had she heard someone labeled that? Hades, she had been labeled that, hadn't she? In her case, rightfully so. But in the case of someone who was considered a mystic, was it the most horrible profession? Deserving such hatred? In that moment, Xena made a decision.

Slipping the altar into Elkton's wagon had been easy. Finding Gabrielle had been as well. And the way her new friend was carrying herself, something was off. Had it been surprising to discover the breast dagger? Not really. Xena would have bet Gabrielle would find a weapon of some kind. Most likely, the weapon would come in handy later on. And the joke didn't go unnoticed. Yet, Gabrielle meant it innocently. Sadly.

And then, Xena's instincts were telling her once again that something wasn't right. She had to get Gabrielle to safety while she took care of the bad guys. Placing her friend on a horse wasn't the most appealing after what had happened last time. But there was no other way. And when Gabrielle was nowhere to be found, her heart sank. It was time to do a little intimidation.

It had been easier than Xena had thought to persuade the shopkeeper to tell her the necessary information. Including where the mystic was hiding out. Convincing him she needed his help might not be easy. When one was shunned, it wasn't easy to trust. It wasn't easy to put your faith in someone else. It was one of the reasons why allowing Gabrielle into her life had been so difficult.

A strong and brave female with a dark past. That was Xena all right. In so many ways that described the warrior princess. The fact she was determined to make up for her dark past, was it enough? The fact she needed Gabrielle to help keep her on the right path. She would do anything to make certain her best friend was unharmed. Even facing her dark past.

Xena had thought she had been prepared. To face whatever Morpheus had to throw at her. The chants. The darkness. What lie just beneath the surface. It wasn't her anymore. And yet, it would always be a part of her. But was that fact something she could learn to live with?

Her victims used to be nameless, faceless people. Seeing them. Hearing them. Knowing their names. It was nearly too great for Xena to bear. And yet, she knew she must. And yet she had to. She had to push back. She had to push them to the recesses of her mind. Never to be forgotten, but not to be haunting her every waking moment.

There was no way Xena would allow for Gabrielle to be sacrificed. She would sacrifice herself first. After all, Gabrielle had a chance at a better life. She had a chance to make something of herself. Hopefully not a warrior. Hopefully one day Gabrielle would be known worldwide as a bard. She definitely had the imagination for it.

It took a moment for Xena to process the little fact. Gabrielle had had a sixth toe. It was definitely something Morpheus wouldn't come up with. It had to be her friend. Was it fair to Gabrielle to ask her to stall. And she had to remember what she was best at. It was talking. After all, she had talked her way into traveling with Xena. And so much more.

Morpheus certainly did know Xena's weaknesses. Her first kill. The name and face would always haunt her. Even though it had been in defense of her village, it didn't matter. All that mattered was a life had been taken. The first of many. And the fact Gabrielle was on the precipice. It meant Xena had to hurry. She had to save Gabrielle from a fate Xena had too long endured.

And with her mind, Xena managed to defeat her past. Or had she? Standing before her was herself. The look. The power. The anger. It was herself, only from the not so long ago past. Xena knew this was the final battle. Fighting her inner demons. But they were winning. Why? The key. The key was to realize something. Though she might forever regret her past, it was a part of her. It was who she was. No matter how much it would continue to pain her.

And just like that, Xena had been impressed. Not only had Gabrielle managed to keep from shedding blood, she had also managed a mean punch. One that Xena would have loved to have made. Punching was more than ok it seemed. And it showed, in some ways, Gabrielle could take care of herself.

Another place Xena could return to. It felt…It felt amazing. Slowly, her name wasn't a curse upon the land. She wasn't as feared as she once had been. It was something, she hoped fervently one day, would be the norm. It would please her so much. Knowing now she could go home. She could return to two small villages she had helped along the way.

And the wisdom Xena had learned. She had to pass it along. She had to share it with Gabrielle. Good and bad, the experiences we endure make us who we are. It's true. There are little things lurking just beneath the surface. Others may never know. Unless they had the privilege of becoming close. And right now, there was only one that had that privilege. And most likely would be the only one.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()

It wasn't very far from the village they had just left. The routine was normal. But the mood was anything but. Gabrielle sighed heavily as she struggled to make the fire. She wasn't certain why. It had been a couple moons since they had been traveling together. And yet, today had hit her worse than any of the others.

Why? Because Gabrielle had faced a side of her she hadn't known existed. While she still wanted a way to help Xena and defend herself, she knew weapons came with too steep a price. At least the weapons she knew about came at too steep a price. And the fact was, her talent for words could serve her better than any weapon. For now.

And the fact she could so easily take a life…It had Gabrielle more unsure of herself. What Xena had told her made sense. And she knew it to be true. Not only the rules to survival, but also how everything that was a part of her. The good, the bad and everything in between. It shaped who she was. The question was, could she live with the end results seeing how Xena struggled every single day?

"Are you all right?" Xena had noticed how quiet her traveling companion had become. It was probably a lot to take in. And the way Gabrielle had attempted humor when they had been speaking of her first attempt at philosophy, she knew that Gabrielle was still unsettled. If she were honest with herself, Xena was still unsettled.

Gabrielle managed to look Xena in the eyes. There would be times when she might attempt to hide the physical ache or emotional pain she was in. Already, she had done both in the hopes Xena wouldn't leave her somewhere. Now that she knew she was somewhat safe, she wasn't about to hold back. "Not really. I understand why I can't help you out more. But I guess it's still upsetting me how easily one can take a life."

It was time. Xena hadn't wanted to tell Gabrielle exactly how she had become the way she had. And even then, she wouldn't tell her the entire story. No one was alive, other than perhaps Nicklio, that knew the entire story. True, Caesar and his lackey Brutus had an inkling. After all, they both played their part. For now, it would be enough to tell Gabrielle how she had begun to be the warrior she was now. And the slow descent into darkness.

"You are the bard, but allow me to tell you a story for once." Xena placed the rabbit near the fire. Without a word, Gabrielle began preparing it. For once, they had vegetables. It was only one of the many positives when visiting a village. Not being isolated was nice, though Xena remained leery of what kind of welcome they would receive. And there were still too many that wanted her dead. It placed those around her in great danger.

"There once was a young girl. She was tall and powerful. By the time she was ten seasons old, she could outdo all the boys in her village. Even the ones many seasons older." Xena took her sword and leaned it against her leg. Somehow focusing her thoughts. And it allowed for the memories, both good and bad, to wash over her. The routine of first sharpening her sword and then polishing it.

"As she grew older, she knew she was different. It wasn't because she was stronger and could outdo the boys." Xena closed her eyes. It was difficult to recite the past. For her to share this with anyone. Not even Lyceus had ever known how she had felt during their too short time together. Toris was never there. And her mother had been too busy attempting to keep food on the table and from losing the inn for them to sleep in.

"There was something that lurked just beneath the surface. She even had these dreams. It was as if something or someone was visiting her in her dreams." Xena often wondered, looking back, if it wasn't Ares recruiting her in her dreams. As manipulative as he could be, she wouldn't put anything past him. And it wasn't just him. It was all the gods.

"It was darkness. It was buried deep within. It seemed her brother was able to temper whatever was so repressed." Xena knew it was true. It was as if she and Lyceus had this unexplainable connection. It went beyond being siblings. It was as if they had been linked. And the moment he had perished, it had caused whatever connection they had to be severed. And her emotional stability was shattered.

There was a pausing in Gabrielle preparing the rabbit stew. Xena had hoped her friend would realize the significance of her story, without pointing it out. "But there came a day. When a warlord, not unlike what I became, happened across my home village. The young woman was just barely fifteen seasons, yet the village turned to her and her brother. It had been known they each studied war strategies. It had been known both had practiced swordsmanship, as well as the strategies they had studied."

Xena took a deep breath remembering how Toris had objected. There had been those that sided with her older brother. On the day of the big battle, he and his supporters had fled the village. They had hidden in the hills while the battle continued. And yet, her mother had remained. Sometimes Xena wondered where she had gained her fighting spirit.

Not knowing her father had left her feeling lacking in knowing her true self. And yet, her mother was all she had ever needed. Betraying Cyrene by allowing Lyceus to die…That was what had started her descent into madness. Into darkness. And it was the story Gabrielle needed to hear. If only Xena could finish what she had started.

"Some of the village took for the hills. Some of the village chose to stand and fight. And while the warlord was eventually turned away, there was a great loss." Xena's voice was about to give out. It had been many seasons since she had allowed herself to think about those events in this much detail. Even though she was telling from a third person point of view, it was still all too close to home.

"The young girl was blamed. By her mother, older brother, friends and neighbors. She was blamed for the death of her younger brother. Winning had come at too big of a price." The waterskin was in front of her. Xena carefully placed her sword in its traditional spot before accepting the water. She was thirsty and her stomach was aching. Though she knew the stew would be amazing, she wouldn't touch any, at least not tonight.

"Thank you." Xena took several long pulls before handing the waterskin back. Instead of returning to the fire, Gabrielle snuggled next to her. They weren't as close as they had been the night they'd had to share the shelter due to the rain. Still, Gabrielle absently had her hand on the warrior's knee. It was atop of her armor, but still…

"Instead of begging for forgiveness, the young girl chose to bury her feelings. While she was dying inside with the loss of her brother, she chose to pretend nothing was wrong." Xena remembered what it had been like. The emotions she should have been holding onto or confronting had been the ones she buried. If only she had…

Instead, Xena had chosen to hold onto the hate. She had chosen to seek revenge. Revenge had turned to hate. It had led her on the path that had made her the woman who sat here now. While she wasn't fully plunged into darkness, it had been the start. It had given her the taste of greed, power and all in the name of protecting Amphipolis.

"And by pretending nothing was wrong or that nothing was bothering her, she ended up on the wrong path. It led to years and years on the wrong path. Until one day one event changed her life." Xena once again took a swallow from the waterskin. While it was the one act of protectiveness that changed her path, it was Hercules and Gabrielle that helped her to continue to choose the right path.

While Hercules had been a strong influence, it was Gabrielle who made her want to be a better person. Who showed her what it meant to be a better person. From the moment she had stepped in front of an angry village, to standing beside her every day, it was Gabrielle who was turning into more of a friend.

Part of Xena was terrified of the dependency and what it would mean for Gabrielle. "I tell you this because once a person does lose their blood innocence, it can happen like it did with the young girl. Or one can have the proper guidance. One can have someone they can talk to. I hope I'm that person for you." There. It was said. Xena would be there for Gabrielle.

Gabrielle smiled as she leaned forward to stir the stew and remove it from the heat. While she was a little hungry, after the emotions evoked, she didn't feel like eating. Even after Xena had basically shared a big piece of her history, Gabrielle still didn't feel like eating. Luckily, it would keep until morning. It meant no cooking or gathering what they could find.

The smile remained in place as Gabrielle turned towards her best friend. "I know how difficult it was for you to share the story of the young girl. And I was having trouble handling what happened today." The smile faded slightly as the memories flooded back. "It's not about protecting others I have a fear of. If I were to kill to protect someone else, I would hope it wouldn't affect me so deeply. It was the last test. I had no choice. It was either me or the warrior."

Xena knew her friend was deceiving herself in the thinking taking of a life would be less torturous for Gabrielle if it was in protection of someone else. Xena's first kill had been because Termin was one of Cortese's men. It was his choice to kill anything that moved. And yet, his face and death haunted her every single day.

"The first man I killed was attacking our village. It could very well be said it was either him or me. Or one could look at it as I was protecting Mother and the rest." Gabrielle's face drained of color. "I'm telling you this because you are the kindest, most decent person I have ever met. Including my mother. The moment you take a life, whether in defense of yourself or others, it will nearly kill you."

When Gabrielle attempted to make her way to her own bedroll, Xena gently stopped her. She knew for yet another night she would be holding her friend in her arms. It could become habit forming. She would have to be careful. "But I will be here. Through the ups and the downs. Unless you decide you need to go home, I'll be whatever you need me to be. I promise you that."

It was a bold promise. Gabrielle wasn't certain she knew the significance of the words. They both terrified her and thrilled her at the same time. There was something about Xena. Something she had never seen in anyone else. It wasn't merely the dark past that Xena had hanging over her. It was something else. Something she couldn't see.

Or was it allow herself to see? Gabrielle snuggled closer to her best friend. The two leaned back. They remained with Gabrielle's head upon Xena's chest. The young woman knew this wasn't to occur often. For some reason, the thought caused her to ache inside. It also caused her to hold on tighter. And yet, she was weary of suffocating Xena.

And for the warrior princess, this was bliss and torture at the same time. Xena knew it was happening once again. It had truly only happened two other times. While she had had deep feelings for Caesar and Borias, it was nothing like she had shared in her brief time with La Mao and M'Lilla. It wasn't merely because they were women. It was because they both had attempted to teach her something. It wasn't the powers that La Mao possessed or the pinch gifted to her by M'Lilla.

What they had, in their own way, attempted to teach Xena was that power wasn't everything. That conquering oneself was the way. Yet, at the time, she hadn't been able to see beyond the power and greed she so desired. Gabrielle was attempting to teach her similar lessons. And yet, if she were honest with herself, she knew it was more. It was oh so more. Already Xena was realizing the possibility. Would Gabrielle ever?