I remember hurting so badly after winning a spot at the academy. Obviously, I was proud that I had been the winning bard. But the time apart from Xena had been eye opening. And the way we had yet again not communicated…
As if she can sense me, as always, Xena has her sword in hand. She is polishing it like she did at the many campsites we shared. And even the few inns we were lucky enough to spend an evening or two in.
It was how it was, especially after we both had realized we were in love with one another. I would become lost in my scrolls or personal diaries. Xena would hunt, perform drills or would sharpen and polish her sword.
If only we had been able to communicate. For Xena, it was to protect herself and me. I didn't know it at the time, but the ones who Xena had given her heart to had betrayed her. Or she had betrayed them. Either way, she and her lover had been badly harmed emotionally, if not physically.
For me, I didn't know how to express what I was feeling. True, I'm a bard. Later known as The Battling Bard of Poteidaia. In those early days, it was easier for me to express the love others felt for one another than my own feelings.
Had I been able to truly express myself, Perdicus would have known my confusion. He would have known my true feelings. The kiss had been like an obligation of sorts. But it had led him to his premature death. Something I will never forgive myself for.
Now, Xena has her hand upon my shoulder. She truly can sense my emotions. I'm not quite as observant as her, but I can sense sometimes when she is needing just a simple touch. Or for me to be silent.
A smile is on my warrior's face. I love Xena for so many reasons. Number one is she is my eternal soulmate. But it's the little things that mean so much. Like how we can make one another smile. And would protect one another, even at the cost of our own lives.
I'm a bit off topic. It happens when relating a story. Especially with so many past experiences. I become lost in the moment. And dwell on things I don't always want to dwell on. Sadly, the lack of communication in the early years and throughout our travels led to some extremely painful moments.
Since I was reeling, as was Xena, from our decisions after my return, discovering my soulmate had been betrothed was more than surprising. It hurt beyond the telling of it. Was it because she had been betrothed or was it because she had withheld something so important from her past?
And how did I react? I intentionally attempted to forge a relationship with Xena's ex. Even after she repeatedly warned me that he was no good. That he would merely be using me I still attempted to prove to Xena I could handle it.
As I discovered, I was wrong. That I couldn't handle being seduced the way I had been. But I was young and I was hurting. The attention had felt wonderful. It was why I had nearly fallen for his cunningness.
Once again, I could say that I regret not speaking to Xena about my feelings. Or pushing more so that my warrior princess would reveal her past. But I didn't. And Xena wouldn't have revealed her past. Not until she was ready or forced to.
So here we go again. On an adventure that could have been so different had we both confided in one another. Emotions. The past. Me learning once again what it was like to be more than a simple farmgirl.
A FISTFUL OF DINARS
Talk about arriving in the middle. Already someone was at death's door. Gabrielle was more than happy to watch over the fallen man. After the past few days of traveling with the knowledge she and Xena could not be more than friends, it was a sad but welcomed distraction.
Another death. It was something Gabrielle hated facing during her travels with Xena. Not that death wasn't an everyday occurrence. It was the manner in which the deaths occurred that was trying upon one's soul.
Clue? For a moment, everything was pushed aside. Gabrielle could sense a new great adventure. It started, once again, with someone or something, from Xena's past. Didn't it always, in some way?
The stranger wasn't very friendly. Brat? Gabrielle would use her charm to prove there was more than meets the eye. While she was still learning her way, she was far from a brat. At least, she hoped she was.
Having been a coward when it came to speaking to Xena about her feelings. About how much it had hurt when the warrior princess had referred to her as sister. So maybe she was a brat, at least in part.
Not as big a brat as the man before her. Go away? Who was this man and why were they meeting him? An assassin? And the other man was a friend, of course. What Xena wouldn't do for a friend, one living or deceased.
Four clues leading to Sumerian treasure. Something legends were made of. Many had attempted to discover the location of the lost treasure. And now, they had four clues that would lead them directly to it.
This wasn't about treasure. This wasn't about helping an old friend. The Titan's key meant ambrosia. Ambrosia meant a mortal could become a god. A man like Thersites becoming a god was truly a terrifying thought.
It was only a few words, but it was a goodbye nonetheless. Death. Would it ever become any easier to process? Gabrielle hoped not. For it would mean she had become callused. And that was dangerous, whether a bard or merely a human being.
Their adventures were never easy. But to traverse to an active volcano? Gabrielle trusted her warrior princess, but thinking about being that close to an active volcano gave her pause. But the call of adventure was too great.
Xena's friend was wise. It was a very real possibility that the volcano could expose the cavern hiding the ambrosia. There were too many who would be willing to do whatever it took to gain the power of the gods.
The good news, for now, was that neither of those with clues were aware of the ambrosia. It was taxing enough they only were after treasure. A greedy assassin and a warlord would do nearly anything for that kind of treasure.
Petracles had been Xena's fiancé? Gabrielle nearly was sick at the revelation. So, there were those that could garner her warrior princess' affection. So much so, that she was once betrothed to one. Why not the bard?
Those emotions would have to be placed on hold for the moment. Locating Petracles and convincing him to work with them was of the utmost importance. It, as always, could mean the very survival of mortals.
It was easy to play the part. To innocently say hi. What Gabrielle wanted to do, and was, was to study Petracles. He was a handsome man. But there was something more. Even though she'd only been around him a few moments, Petracles reminded her a bit of Xena.
It was amusing how just a subtle suggestion by Xena had Petracles doing as she said. It was also the thought of the Sumerian treasure playing a large part in it. What little the village could offer was nothing compared to that kind of treasure.
It was difficult to do as Xena had asked. She had told Gabrielle that Petracles was not to be trusted. To not turn her back on him for a moment. Yet, there was something about the man. Once again, the bard couldn't decipher whether it was his charms or the fact he had managed to convince Xena to marry him…Jealousy?
Hate? Was that the reason Xena had warned the bard? There remained, even though miniscule, a part of Gabrielle that would hope it was out of love. Not sisterly love or love of family, but the love of a soulmate.
It was a strong word. But it was fitting. Gabrielle hadn't seen her friend this forceful or angry since their initial meeting. Even when Xena had struck her, the bard knew it wasn't out of anger towards her. So if the warrior princess was feeling hate, there had to be an interesting backstory. More than merely having been betrothed.
How did Gabrielle feel? She didn't know him. The only things she knew were from what Xena informed her of. There was the minor interaction with the representatives of the village. The best way to describe her feelings were curious. Perhaps, jealous.
So Petracles didn't see himself as a bloodthirsty warlord. Not a nice guy, but not to the extreme Xena made him out to be. The way he had attempted to have Gabrielle give him information about the clue showed just how cunning he could be.
The king of sweettalk? That wasn't new to Gabrielle. The bard had done her own share of sweettalking. After all, Perdicus had done nearly anything for her. There was talking her parents into giving her a pony.
There was something Gabrielle knew she could never do. Even though with every fiber of her being she craved it, she would never convince Xena she was worthy. That she could be more than a sidekick. That they could be lovers. Reluctantly, and sadly, the bard had no choice but to return her crown to Petracles.
It was more than welcomed when Xena asked that the bard join her. Gabrielle hadn't believed her warrior princess when she had informed the bard Petracles wasn't to be trusted. That there was a reason behind the warning. Yet, she hadn't believed.
Xena making certain she stayed away from Petracles was now understandable. Once again why? Was it to protect Gabrielle from his advances or because the warrior princess was attempting to keep the bard to herself?
Trust Gabrielle could make the right decision? The bard wasn't even certain she could do that. Had done that. Look at how she was still hurting over the fact she wasn't strong enough, or ready, to admit her feelings to her soulmate.
And just like that, Gabrielle was relegated. For the moment, she didn't mind. The bard could continue to study Petracles. He was more interesting than Thersites. If only because Petracles had done something the bard longed to do. Win Xena's heart.
Being threatened wasn't new to Gabrielle. The bard wasn't worried. She knew that Xena would always be there for her. She would always take care of her. At least until one day, when the unthinkable were to happen.
Without thought, Thersites took a life. It was an ingenious contraption, of that there was no doubt. And perhaps Gabrielle could use it in one of her stories. The way the assassin had struck out so easily and then took the man's treasures were more telling than anything.
Peis territory? Gabrielle hadn't heard of it. By the surroundings, the people weren't very nice. The bard had chills. But she also had a story running through her mind. Partially, it was to take away from the constant pain. Mostly, it was because it was what she did.
The arrows were suddenly raining down on everyone. Running was easy, until they came to a not so friendly looking bridge. Petracles secured the other end. Xena gave the order for Gabrielle to cross.
Not a fan of heights, nor the look of the bridge, Gabrielle was cautious as she made her way across. That was until Thersites decided he needed to join her. It was only a matter of time until the bridge was to collapse.
And Thersites was doing whatever he could to make it to the other side. That included stepping on the bard. Gabrielle couldn't hold on much longer. All she could do was call out for Xena and hope that her warrior princess would do her usual.
Before Gabrielle knew what was happening, Xena had launched herself and was holding the bard up. Petracles also aided in returning Gabrielle to land. Her feisty streak came to light as the bard hit Thersites. Not that she could actually harm him.
Xena stating that Petracles scared her more was confusing. Though there was a logic to her words, Gabrielle remained more terrified of Thersites. She remained more terrified of what she could see, instead of what might be.
After all, Gabrielle could see the love in her warrior's eyes. The thing that terrified her was losing that love. As always, it not growing into something more. The fear was real. For now, she would focus upon the mission at hand.
That would be gathering firewood. And attempting to decipher Petracles more. Unfortunately, the man saw right through her weak attempt to become closer. And asked her directly what it was she wanted.
What did she want? Gabrielle wanted to know exactly what had happened between Xena and Petracles. Partially, she wanted to know just what Petracles was capable of. Mostly, she wanted to know what it might take to garner Xena's full attention.
What Gabrielle learned was not what she had expected. Petracles was different. He wasn't like most warlords. It was about the chase. Once he had the spoils, including Xena, he wasn't interested anymore. And it was clear he was now setting his sights on Gabrielle.
The temple. It was a good as any distraction, for now, from the many conflicting thoughts warring within the bard. Gabrielle wasn't certain who she would prefer to have at her side. That wasn't exactly true, but choosing between an unconventional warlord and an assassin wasn't easy.
Xena's reasoning for sending Gabrielle and Thersites was sound. Still, the bard could not help but wonder if it was this continued protection the warrior princess seemed to have for her. But why the protection?
It was a good thing the bard could think on her feet. It took longer than she would have liked for Xena and Petracles to play their part. If nothing else, Gabrielle was gaining the beginnings of yet another exciting tale.
Especially when Thersites knocked over the statue. Luckily, Xena's timing was perfect. Once again, Gabrielle wondered if her warrior princess would always have such impeccable timing. And not just with saving her life.
It was interesting how Thersites continued to attempt to control everything. Gabrielle knew it was for profit. And perhaps for the fun of intimidating others. Petracles, on the other hand, seemed to be willing to do whatever Xena wished.
With the exception of wanting to give up his clue. It was an interesting riddle. When Xena was able to decipher it, it was actually quite simple. The real fun was having to wait until sunrise for the final reveal.
It appeared to have gone from one dead-end to another. Gabrielle already knew that looks could be deceiving. And the warning by Xena should have been a given. Though the bard would have to admit to being guilty of touching before thinking.
Their first true hug was an example of that. Yes, there had been the saying goodbye when it could have meant the death of Xena when the warrior princess and Hercules had attempted to restore order.
But the sudden loss of someone Gabrielle had come to care for a great deal had led to a hug. It wasn't actually a hug as it was the bard needing affection and an affirmation that she remained alive.
Just like that, Gabrielle was brought back into the here and now. Pertracles was once again pushing boundaries. He was doing the opposite of whatever Xena told him to do. And that gave the bard, and the others, a sinking feeling.
Luckily, they landed exactly where they needed to be. Now the race was on to see who discovered what the true treasure was. Unfortunately, it was Thirsites that discovered the key that led to the ambrosia.
Why was it Gabrielle had to be the one in trouble? True, she wasn't a warrior princess. But she was a good person. And she was learning how to fight. She would have to appease Thersites until Xena came to her rescue.
Timing was everything as they arrived nearly at the same time as Xena and Petracles. The warlord choosing to side with Thersites, was unfortunately, not unexpected. However, his act of heroism so that Gabrielle could be saved…
It made for conflicting emotions. Gabrielle could read her best friend well enough to know she wasn't alone in attempting to truly decipher how Petracles' death affected her. Was he the bad boy attempting to find redemption or was it truly in his nature all along?
The fact Petracles had held onto the wedding bracelet spoke volumes. Gabrielle could see how it affected Xena, even if it were only for a moment. Perhaps Petracles had truly loved the warrior princess, but hadn't been able to show it.
There was the distraction, for the moment, of destroying the ambrosia. This would require a sensitive chat. And for Gabrielle, it would be difficult as the bard knew she was in love with her warrior princess. But couldn't admit it, beyond to herself.
()()()()()()()()()()()()()
It seemed Xena couldn't travel anywhere without running into an old friend. It wasn't that long ago that Helen had sent for her, so in a way had met an old friend. Who also was not long for this realm.
At least both times, Gabrielle was with her. There was no doubt the bard was better equipped at comforting those in distress. Sadly, her healing skills were becoming quite efficient. Too efficient.
Another old friend of sorts. Thersites was dangerous. Not only did he enjoy killing, he was greedy. The combination of the two made him one of the most dangerous men. Even more dangerous than a warlord.
What was in the pouch was revealing. The map was the most important thing. But the Sumerian coin was the most telling. There was the hidden treasure that many had died attempting to locate. The fact only a handful knew the full extent of the treasure was what had Xena worried.
The thought of facing Petracles was not a happy one. Not only was he one of the few mortals who had conned her, she had genuinely cared for him. Not on the level of Gabrielle. No one compared to how she felt about her bard.
Another man who had meant something to Xena was gone. There were few she truly referred to as friend. Lycus had been one of those. Too few of those remained, outside of Gabrielle. And the nature of their relationship seemed to be fluctuating each second.
Luckily, Thersites was slightly easier to explain. He was an assassin. He was not to be trusted. And yet, he was needed. Sadly, as much as Petracles was needed, he wouldn't be easy to explain. Or to deal with the remaining emotions.
It wasn't surprising Gabrielle had heard of the Sumerian treasure. There was one thing very few knew. And the way her bard reacted, it was not shocking. It would make for a compelling story. That was all this was.
Though the way Gabrielle had reacted to the cavalier manner in which Xena had explained about Petracles was telling. Or was it what the warrior princess wanted? For there to be more than mere friendship to their relationship.
Gabrielle's cavalier way in which she handled Xena once again so easily taking down so-called guards was almost funny. One day, if the situation weren't so dire, the warrior princes might just crack a smile. Maybe.
Seeing Petracles in action brought back memories. It brought back too many memories. While Xena and Petracles had intimidated many a men, it was how her formerly betrothed had so easily manipulated her that had the warrior princess inwardly flinching.
The lure of treasure had to be behind Petracles so easily giving the farmer his goods and land back. Xena wondered if her presence had anything to do with it. She highly doubted it. But there was always a possibility.
The other was a new challenge. Gabrielle was that challenge. It was dangerous times for her bard. Xena had to warn her. Make Gabrielle understand exactly what Petracles was capable of. Without actually telling her what to do.
The warrior princess hadn't overheard the entire conversation, just enough to know Gabrielle had challenged Petracles in some way. Astonishingly, her bard had given in. It wasn't like Gabrielle. Look at how persistent she had been in convincing Xena to travel with her.
Gabrielle was right, in so many ways. Her bard was definitely a woman. Xena had stopped looking at Gabrielle as anything other than an equal a long time ago. And yet, emotions of this kind were new to the bard.
Dealing with someone as manipulative as Petracles was definitely new to Gabrielle. Even Xena wasn't certain she was impervious to his charms. And she had a past to learn from. It was difficult to allow her bard to learn the hard way, like she had.
And the maleness was overflowing. Thersites was strutting his feathers to show he was a bigger pain than Petracles. Already, Xena was tired of having to deal with the pair. But Petracles had one clue and Thersites two.
Leave it to Thersites to want to discuss splitting the treasure. To Xena, there was no difference between a murderer and an assassin. True, one was paid, but it was still the taking of a life. Something she'd done far too many times.
Threatening Gabrielle was the last thing anyone should do. It took restraint for Xena to merely take Thersites by the chin hairs. She wondered what would have happened had they not been interrupted by Theristes former employer.
It was an interesting contraption Thersites had invented. It was dangerous and easy to conceal. Xena didn't care for the murder of the man, but her stomach began to turn at how easily Thersites began stealing from the corpse.
Peis territory. It was a place Xena hadn't been in many seasons. It was too dangerous. They came at you in swarms, yet remained hidden. Fighting them would not be wise. Running to safety was the wisest of decisions.
Relying on Petracles wasn't easy, but he was a warrior. Unlike Thersites who was placing her bard in danger. If Xena didn't need the assassin's clues, she would have run her blade through the man for nearly causing Gabrielle to die.
It was an easy leap of faith. Gabrielle meant so much to the warrior princess. There would never be a time when Xena wouldn't place herself in danger, if only so that her bard could thrive. Even if it meant letting her go.
One thing that placed a smile, if only in her mind, upon Xena was the manner in which her bard went after the blood thirsty assassin. There was a spunk Gabrielle had in her. If she hadn't had it, never would they have traveled the same path.
The fact Xena once again had to attempt to explain to her bard exactly why Petracles remained so much more dangerous than Thersites was disconcerting. It meant her warnings were falling on deaf ears.
Warning Thersites of her long memory was pointless. With some men, greed outweighed all other factors. Thersites came from a long line of greedy persons. And in his case, killing was a part of that greed.
The fact she didn't have that desire for treasure anymore was telling. A man like Thersites could tell Xena wasn't in this for the monetary gain. She would have to be careful about being so telling in the future.
Once again, Xena had witnessed enough to know that Petracles was attempting to manipulate Gabrielle. Was it like he had the warrior princess? In any case, her former betrothed had to be warned. And in a way only Xena could do.
If only Petracles knew exactly the extent of jealousy running through the warrior princess. It wasn't for Petracles. It was because she wanted more and more to be the one to make Gabrielle happy. Both physically and mentally.
Tossing the wedding bracelet in the fire like garbage had been difficult, even if Xena attempted to make it sound so easy. She had had genuine feelings for Petracles. But it had needed to be done so that she could place him behind her.
Xena had doubted Thersites, if only a little. He was greedy. It could blind someone. Luckily, he was greedy enough to trust her with the clue. At least until he could attempt to make the treasure his own.
There was a part of Xena that wanted Thersites with Gabrielle to keep Petracles as far away from the bard as possible. But it was also true that she and Petracles were the experienced ones when it came to war.
Timing was everything. Something hadn't gone exactly to plan, as usual. It wasn't long before they were running. Thersites was right on one account. Those of the temple would not follow them.
He was wrong on another. The only one who would carry the ruby was Xena. While there was the Sumerian treasure, someone like Thersites could not be trusted with anything of even slight value.
Especially with Gabrielle. That was not a thought Xena wished to continue having. Instead, the clues were necessary to discover what to do with the ruby. Once retrieved, grudgingly, it wasn't that difficult to figure out what to do.
Waiting was never something Xena relished, even when she knew victory was certain. Patience had come to her in time. But there was a part of her that would forever remain impatient. Especially when it came to her bard.
Luckily, the night passed and they were able to follow the path. Thersites was ready to give up at every little obstacle. He was a man who sought instant gratification. In all matters of life, including love.
Once inside the cavern, Xena knew that anything could be a trap. Warning the others fell on deaf ears. In a way, the warrior princess would have thought it would be Gabrielle that instigated the fall, not Petracles.
Just like that, they found themselves exactly where they needed to be. It wasn't the way Xena had wanted to arrive. Perhaps, she would have to keep that in mind when it came to her relationship with Gabrielle. In the meantime, Thersites had discovered the key to the ambrosia.
And had taken Gabrielle. Xena now had to rely on Petracles to help in rescuing her bard. The warrior princess didn't have time to explain why she had kept the ambrosia from Petracles.
It nearly sounded genuine the fact Petracles wanted to make certain Gabrielle was safe before worrying about treasure or anything else. If only Xena could believe him. Instead, they had a deadly obstacle to face.
Why was it Petracles found new ways to annoy her. In this case, it was by not watching where his big feet were landing. They had to run, barely making it to safety. It could have easily been their bones future treasure hunters discovered.
Seeing Gabrielle held once again was nearly enough for Xena's composure to break. And how easily Petracles was seduced by the thought of being a god. It was now up to only the warrior princess.
Xena had no time to fully process the fact Petracles had been run through. That he had basically sacrificed himself for Gabrielle. The fight was nothing out of the ordinary. It nearly didn't last long enough.
Why? Because now Xena had to watch as Petracles died. As he revealed he had kept their marriage bracelet all these years. It didn't matter anymore. Yet, it would always have a part in how Xena saw herself. How she trusted, or, lack thereof.
Destroying the ambrosia was easy. Dealing with the fact Petracles had proven himself was not as easy. Nor was how the past relationship was affecting her current one. Was it why Xena couldn't bring herself to express her desire for her bard?
()()()()()()()()()()()()()
They had traveled nearly a week since destroying the ambrosia. Neither had spoken much about the events that had transpired. For Xena, she was still coming to terms with the fact Petracles was a good man and had genuinely cared. For Gabrielle, she was cursing being so easily duped.
The campsites were quiet. There wasn't much conversation between the two. Xena spent nearly her entire time training, while Gabrielle was attempting to capture their latest adventure in her scrolls. Her personal diaries had been neglected so far.
Merely sitting across from Gabrielle was too much for Xena. Once again, her bard had been exposed to danger. Seeing Thersites hold a knife to her neck nearly made the warrior princess physically ill.
It wasn't the reason Xena was feeling so uncomfortable around her bard. The physical danger was, unfortunately, a part of their everyday lives. Gabrielle had accepted that when she had begged to be allowed to travel with the warrior princess.
What Xena continued not to be prepared for was how different individuals affected her bard. She would be stupid to think Gabrielle wouldn't grow and explore her own sexuality. What the warrior princess had been naïve about was how each time would affect her.
It was especially difficult since it was one of Xena's past lovers that had sparked Gabrielle's interest. Or was that why it was so unsettling? There was no denying she was in love with her bard. Jealousy was a given. But it was the person Gabrielle was attracted to.
No, Xena couldn't do this to herself. As her sword continued to clash with the poor tree, the warrior princess hurt. It wasn't about the physical pain. It was about the emotional pain. She continued to inflict pain upon her soulmate.
This had to end. But what could Xena do? She couldn't live without Gabrielle. She couldn't leave her bard at the next place they came to. Even if it was a palace, she and her bard were attached. Nearly like being married, death until they parted.
And that thought had Xena dropping her sword. Death. It was the only thing that would, and did, haunt the warrior princess more than having to watch Gabrielle to continually fall for another person.
Hopefully their next adventure would be a little less painful. Hopefully they would be able to spend time together. Hopefully they would be able to sort through their feelings. For now, it was time to act as if nothing had happened.
That meant walking into a quiet campsite. There was no meal prepared. They had acquired some dry rations at the last village they had traveled past. It made a pleasant change from the normal meals, though Xena missed the hunt.
Gabrielle, for once, had already eaten. She was sitting upon her bedroll. Her quill was in hand. It wasn't the story of their latest adventure the words poured out. It was her own feelings.
It was difficult to know if Gabrielle had been jealous because of her feelings for Petracles or if it was because he had done what she hadn't been able to do. If she were honest, she knew the answer to that. Without attempting to place anything in her diary.
Xena's presence was welcomed and unnerving. Gabrielle knew it would be another early evening. As much as she wanted to speak to her warrior princess about her conflicting emotions, she knew neither was ready to actually speak of them.
In fact, Gabrielle did something she rarely, if ever, did. She tore her scroll to shreds. "I'm not in the right frame of mind. I need to try and sleep. Sleep well, Xena." The bard never waited for a response.
Instead, Gabrielle wrapped herself in her blanket. Tears formed. Petracles had been something else. But it wasn't for the man she cried, though his death would forever haunt her. It was because the one person she wanted to love her most likely could never. At least not in the way in which she wanted to be.
The warrior princess inwardly sighed. If she were half the warrior she was regaled to be, Xena would be comforting her bard. Instead, she hid within. She too wrapped herself in a blanket. Another sleepless night was in store for her. Would this ever end? Would they ever be able to admit their feelings?