For hours into the dark of night, Severus had remained unmoving in the position Lily had left him the entire night, a pale statue sitting on his hospital bed. No Wide-Eye Potion had been necessary for the chronic insomniac as he looked out the nearby window to the familiar grounds at Hogwarts. In the reflection of the rain-covered glass, he could see a hint of his youthful reflection. Not the moody, impetuous fool he had been during his fifth year, but otherwise identical to how he remembered...
What had he been expecting to happen? Up until his return at the lake, this body was the same, prickly, horrible individual he had been since going under Lucius Malfoy's wing in first year. Was Lily going to magically notice that he had been flung back to this time without any form of proof? And even if he did prove it...why should he?
It wasn't lost on Severus during his hundreds of trips into the memory of this day what else had occurred. Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L.s, and though he hadn't looked back on the contents of the exam, he'd seen enough students come in and out of Hogwarts over the years to know that confronting a Boggart was one such piece of the testing process.
And Lily made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that what she encountered was him. He had been her worst fear. It no-doubt had to do with his descent into darkness and the growing wedge between them, probably even something violent. He hadn't even said that wretched word, and already, she hated and feared what he was becoming.
It wasn't as if Severus wasn't already used to being hated, despised by people who didn't know any better, after all. That had been the extent of his last year of life, only speaking candidly to the portrait of Dumbledore hanging in the Headmaster's Office. Even before that, many of the students at Hogwarts regarded him with trepidation. And while his fellow staff members shared a begrudging level of trust and respect for him, Minerva McGonagall most especially, there was always a lingering feeling that he did not belong amongst their ranks.
But this was not people. This was Lily. The girl who, in his dreams, he prostrated himself before in pitiful shame and misery to beg her forgiveness for the idiotic choices that had led, in no small part, to her demise. Not for some naive fantasy of sweeping her off her feet and stealing her away from her wretched husband and their infuriating boy. Any childish sense of romance and fantasy that he once had was long since dead from the weight of the world crashing down around him. What he did crave, however, was absolution from the constant torture and self-loathing that his soul had been wracked by since that fateful Halloween Night in 1981.
"What does it matter?" The raven-haired young man sulked tragically. "You didn't deserve to be her friend in the first place. As long as she is safe this time...well...that's really the only thing that's truly important, isn't it?"
With that thought in focus, Severus' growing swamp of insecurities began to drain. His analytical and problem-solving skills began to fire in earnest as his sad expression morphed into an almost robotic series of mental calculations towards a singular goal.
Keeping Lily safe no matter the cost was the only agenda worth pursuing. Albus' nonsense of letting his heart guide him and creating a better ending for himself was just meaningless prattle that always rang hollow to the former Head of Slytherin House. Cutting himself off from all emotions besides his sole guiding light was the only reason he'd been able to stay alive as a spy in the Dark Lord's service for as long as he had.
The Dark Lord. Voldemort. The man who murdered Lily as she pleaded for her son's life that night in Godric's Hollow. For Lily to survive, that meant only one thing. Lord Voldemort needed to be destroyed, and soon. It was only a few years after their graduation year at Hogwarts that she drew her last breath. It didn't matter if she hated him. It didn't even matter if she married James Bloody Potter. All that mattered was her survival. That was what he swore to Dumbledore on the night he switched sides, and it was a vow that held true even after all this time.
That realization now in place, Severus' mind could hear the distant ticking of a pocket watch, signaling the beginning of his race against time. If Voldemort had to die, then there was only one wizard that Snape could turn to for assistance. The only one powerful enough to be the Dark Lord's match, but still had been unable to lay him low during his lifetime.
His eyes darted towards the window at his bedside, locking on to the sight of the Headmaster's Tower shrouded in a light spring rainfall. He knew there was a coinflip's chance that Albus might still be awake at this hour, and he'd be damned if he wasted another second of this new life by not working towards that goal now firmly rooted in his very soul. After all, Severus had moved heaven and earth to ensure the survival of Harry Potter, ever his father's son with a penchant for rule breaking and total disrespect. If he was willing to give everything for that infuriating boy's survival, then he would give tenfold as much for Lily's sake. And unlike the cruel fate that Albus Dumbledore had set in motion for Potter, an ending that Snape wanted no part of, this time there would be no negotiation. No debate. No bloody greater good.
Lily would survive, and that was the end of it. With that renewed sense of purpose, he slowly draped his legs over the clean, white mattress in preparation to begin the mighty task set before him.
Looking down at his lanky, malnourished legs and his shirt, untucked and wrinkled, Severus sneered in disgust. He realized that his trousers had been disturbed that day at the lake by James Potter. The embarrassment had been totally missed due to the suddenness he had arrived back in the scene and the desperation that had overcome him due to his single minded focus to see Lily.
Shakily getting to his feet, Severus took a deep breath in before suddenly feeling like he'd just been hit by a Jelly-Legs curse. Alas, he crumbled forward, to the marble-tiled floor instead of the safety of his firm mattress.
"Arresto Momento!" he quickly spat the incantation to break his fall, but...
Thud
Naturally, it was a soboring sensation to slam into the floor at full speed with barely a chance to use his twig-like arms to cushion the landing. The thought hadn't occurred to him that it would be quite the ordeal to fight through the dizziness and nausea brought about by a concussion to cross the massive castle. It would be a tall request for him to make it up the stairways, let alone trying to decode whatever the password would be in front of the Gargoyle Statue.
"Bloody hell…" Severus groaned with shame, happy that the few students that were joining him for the evening in the Hospital Wing, a pair of Hufflepuff boys and a Ravenclaw girl, had not been startled awake by his embarrassing fall.
"It's not as though they'd see you out of your element in this sad state, Snape." he thought with contempt as he steadily lifted himself back into bed. "You were an awkward fool who commanded no respect until you were 23 years of age. Stumbling about like a clumsy dunderhead was your area of expertise."
Setting his impatience to the side for the night, Severus took a thimble-sized glob of the Star Grass Salve that Madam Pomfrey had left for him overnight. Eyeing the silvery-white substance reminded him of the time he had examined a sample of Unicorn Blood during Harry Potter's first year of Hogwarts.
"If only the Dark Lord were as vulnerable now as he was then…" he considered as he began applying the salve to the lump where his wound had been suffered. Of course, he knew that during this era, Lord Voldemort had been in his prime as a dark wizard. The last vestiges of his humanity were still visible in his features and he hadn't been completely transformed into a ghoulish man with snake-like nostrils. But it was well on the way.
It had been Lily...her sacrificial magic that had undone Lord Voldemort and rendered him a husk of what he once had been, and even his revival during the Triwizard Tournament had not completely erased the defeat she had posthumously dealt him.
For the first time this evening, nay, the first time in his reborn life, Severus' lips curled upwards into a soft smile, free from his usual, bitter demeanor. It didn't matter what the wizarding world liked to parade about the great and sainted Harry Potter. 'The Chosen One.' 'The Boy Who Lived.' He knew the truth. The real hero of that Halloween Night had been Lily Evans, the Mother Who Died. Severus outright refused to refer to her as Lily Potter.
"And this time, she shall live on…" he repeated silently, as if in prayer, wishing that it were possible to make an unbreakable vow to himself. He would not suffer her death again. He couldn't. Much like what happened to Lord Voldemort, a second tragic end for Lily would completely undo Severus…
The Next Morning...
By the time that Madam Pomfrey had arrived in the Hospital Wing to check on Severus, he had already downed his second bottle of Wide-Eye Potion. It had been so much easier to stay awake for extended periods in his adult life, but he could only assume that his teenage body was rebelling against his more unhealthy habits. His final growth spurt had not yet occurred, so his appetite and sleep schedule were something his body was naturally trying to adhere to.
The Medical Witch promptly decided to run Severus through a series of visual exercises and reflex tests to make sure that there were no lingering complications or memory loss. There was a persistent sense of nausea, but Madam Pomfrey assured him that it would pass within a couple of days, as would his dizziness. Food and rest were what were important now, and unfortunately that meant missing his Ancient Runes O.W.L.s.
It was almost laughable in its absurdity that as a 'student' of Hogwarts, the powerful wizard would have to take classes and exams on subjects that he knew more than certain Hogwarts Professors, especially when it came to things like Defense and Potions. A total waste of time, and one that Severus intended to rectify once Dumbledore knew the truth. Early N.E.W.T.s were hardly common practice, but surely one of his particular circumstances would be worthy of consideration. He didn't have time to be dawdling, playing at being a teenager, when he had a five-year time limit to avert the tragedy of Lily's death.
"Alright then, Mr. Snape. Time for the final test." Madam Pomfrey smiled, pointing at the last, unused sample of Wide-Eye Potion sitting on the table at his bedside. "A simple test of memory and technique. I want you to use a basic Levitation Charm to bring that potion to you. Nothing fancy, just a first-year spell that I know is plenty for you to handle." With that request, she gently handed him his Ebony wand, something that had been confiscated upon his unconscious arrival to the Hospital Wing the previous afternoon.
Severus rolled his eyes, pointing it at the phial with disinterest. For someone who could bloody well fly, this was hardly a test of anything. Nevertheless, it wouldn't hurt to keep up appearances...
"Wingardium Leviosa." he enunciated with his slow and methodical delivery and a precise swish and flick motion. His lack of interest quickly vanished when the phial remained, unmoving on the table, his eyes widening ever so slightly.
The fifth year Slytherin cleared his throat before turning his body towards the phial and giving it his utmost focus, using his Occlumency to clear his mind of all distraction. It had been an extraordinary couple of days his mind had been through, perhaps his body was not yet attuned to the changes in himself. "Wingardium Leviosa" he repeated, this time with more conscious effort than seemed necessary for such a basic spell.
Again, the turquoise-colored phial remained still, as if to taunt him, causing a spike in his ire.
Madam Pomfrey had watched Severus' technique closely, sharing the disbelief of the student...there couldn't have been a reason why his perfect delivery and wand movement would have failed.
"Erm...Ah, I've got it! May I try your wand, Mr. Snape? Perhaps yours was damaged during the fall!" she politely suggested, reaching for it once his growing shock faded back into understanding. That had to have been it.
"Just my luck for Potter to destroy something else important to me...and I'm hardly in any financial position to have it replaced."
But as the Medical Witch recited the incantation using his own wand, his shock returned as the potion bottle immediately floated in the air, hovering towards her without an ounce of resistance…
His complexion, already pale and unhealthy from a school year spent living in the Dungeons, became white as the bedsheets he was laying upon.
"I...I'm sure there must be a reasonable explanation for this, Mr. Snape. If you'll allow me to run you through a few more tests, I'm certain we can find out what-"
"Leave me be…" he whispered coldly, his black eyes remaining focused on the tiny flask as it came back down to rest upon the cedar surface of the table. There was no explanation that could be made...for some inexplicable reason, he was incapable of performing even the simplest of spells. A horrible sign if his plans had been to fight for Lily's survival...
Madam Pomfrey's heart sank as she took a mental note of the boy's tone. He had been in and out of the Hospital Wing many times over the years, but never before had she seen him so dejected and empty. "We'll find out...I promise." she reassured him before leaving his bedside to go check upon the Ravenclaw girl who had the telltale signs of an explosive accident in Potions class, her hair singed and her skin covered in blisters and boils.
Severus was beside himself, finally realizing why he had failed to stop his fall during last night's escape attempt. Had his resurrection somehow rendered him into a magically-deficient Squib?
No...such things were impossible. If a witch or wizard could cast magic, the ability didn't suddenly leave them.
"Then again...what about this entire situation seems possible?" he asked himself before setting his head back onto the soft pillow. "Coming back from the dead to a moment in the past is uncharted territory."
Perhaps sleep was what he needed…
Suddenly, the loud rumbling of his stomach could be heard through the whole medical ward, and immediately Snape's face was hidden behind his waves of black hair, mortified at his body's involuntary noise.
"Not to worry, Mr. Snape!" Madam Pomfrey called back. "If it's food you need, I'll have one of the Prefects bring some lunch for the lot of us. Oh! Miss Evans, perhaps?" she added with a smile.
He winced at the mention of the young witch's name, unable to vocalize what an awful idea that would be without an uncomfortable explanation. Lily had always been the one to visit Severus during his trips to the Hospital Wing in the past, and Poppy had not been present during their latest (and probably final) conversation from the night before…that was the only reason why the nurse didn't do the sensible thing and simply summon a House Elf from the kitchens.
It hadn't been an hour before a visitor arrived in the Hospital Wing, her rich, copper curls brightly shimmering from the glare of the sun that had begun peeking through the windows. Severus, wanting to keep a low profile, kept his face hidden amidst the mess of black hair forming an untidy curtain around his face. But as he had done the night before, he watched the girl intently, never missing a single breath she took as she greeted Poppy with a beautiful, flawless grin. The two witches shared a moment of conversation before Lily turned towards the other students.
What he witnessed next only amplified the admiration he felt for the Gryffindor girl. He still couldn't hear the soft whisper of her voice, but whatever she was saying to the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaw caught their attention and brought smiles to their tired faces despite their injuries. She seemed almost as comfortable in an infirmary ward as Madam Pomfrey herself, reaching into her enchanted school bag and pulling out a veritable feast of quality food that ranged from sizzling slices of ham, creamy mashed potatoes, and sausage rolls that she spread out across each of their tables.
Her generosity and willingness to help those in need was on full display as it had always been in his memories. That was her true essence...her compassion...the love that she shared with the world around her.
But as he recalled that night at the Fat Lady's Portrait in another life...the contempt in her eyes as she looked down at his pitiful, groveling form, arms folded. That generosity came with a limit. Her desire to help others could only persist if they were willing to accept it, and the young Snape was beyond help without the shock of seeing the true consequences of the life he had chosen.
"A lesson I learned far too late…" he reminisced as Lily's smiling face turned in his direction and slowly began to fade as she made her approach side by side with Madam Pomfrey. Severus shut his eyes and became deathly still.
"I'm surprised that he fell asleep again…" Poppy whispered, attempting to be considerate to the Slytherin who was currently feigning sleep to avoid conversation.
"Don't worry about it, ma'am." Lily sighed, her green eyes studying his sleeping form closely. "Oh, I almost forgot!" she turned towards the nurse, procuring three silver goblets from her bag. "Could you please take these to the others and give them a quick fill with Aguamenti?"
"Certainly, Miss Evans. Thank you for coming, by the way; I know it's a bit irregular, but I wondered if having you around might give Mr. Snape a little boost.."
Lily nodded with a wavering grin, watching her fellow witch head back to the far side of the infirmary before her smile almost completely faded, looking down at him.
"If you're going to pretend to be asleep, then do it more convincingly." she muttered wryly. "Your mouth is supposed to be wide open with a stray moan every few seconds."
Severus grimaced, self-conscious about the way she described his manner of sleeping during his teenage years. Unrefined, childish habits that he had long abandoned and forgotten about as he cleared the layers of hair away from his eyes to look up at her, green meeting black with no obstruction at last. There was just the tiniest hint of a smile curled at the edge of her lip that disappeared just as quickly.
"Clearly she isn't happy to have to see you again." his inner critic gave its usual commentary.
"Madam Pomfrey tells me that you've been having trouble casting even first year-level spells." she whispered, taking a seat at his bedside.
"I...wasn't aware that she was in the habit of giving such sensitive information to someone who doesn't consider themselves family or friend…" he dryly responded.
"I guess the announcement of our separation that I sent to all the staff members got lost in the post." came her sarcastic reply.
There were a few moments of tense silence between them as Severus went through a series of mental exercises to try to figure out just what to say. Why was she even here if she had chosen to cut him off as she'd done in his previous life?
"I brought you some food as well…" she nervously announced, reaching into her bag with caution so that she didn't accidentally send his plate tumbling over. After a brief moment of fumbling around inside, her hand emerged with a plate of fish and chips, battered and fried to golden perfection.
Severus gasped, finally taking his eyes off her to look down at the offering of his favorite lunch meal that was placed carefully on his bedside table. And surprisingly, out came a foamy mug of Butterbeer alongside the meal. "You...remembered?" his voice in shock.
"Kind of hard to forget something that I love to eat too, Severus." Lily responded simply, looking back and forth between him and the plate.
"Eat." she instructed him after another awkward pause once he finally took a look back into her eyes.
"Do you...perchance have any cutlery?" he asked, drawing a red eyebrow upwards on her freckled forehead before an unexpected snort was a prelude to uncontrollable giggling that cut through all of that tension that had built up over the last few minutes of conversation.
At first, she thought he had been trying to hatch a joke, but upon realizing that he was serious, her laughter only intensified further.
That jovial giggling was so unforeseen by Snape that he just stared up at her, silently marvelling at that innocent smile.
"For...for fish and chips? Since when do you not eat them with your hands, Severus?"
"It may have escaped your notice, but I'm surrounded by white sheets on a white mattress." he explained with a systematic precision that was so unlike him. "And with no idea of whether I'll ever be able to cast magic again, might I add."
Lily's leftover giggles had finally begun to die off as she nodded her head at the incredibly awkward diagnosis that had been given to her by Madam Pomfrey. "Right. Severus Snape trying to make the work for the house elves a bit easier? Now I've seen it all...But I trust you know that it's most likely only temporary. It's got to be." she gave a self-assured nod with her pointer finger raised for emphasis. "Some lingering part of your concussion that's interfering with your magical core, perhaps?"
Severus nodded his head, taking a bite and slowly chewing his Icelandic Cod while keeping his eyes fixed upon Lily's. There was a comfort he took in seeing those eyes in the correct face after so many years spent staring at James Potter's doppelganger of a son.
"Alright, do I have something on my face or what, Severus?" the girl suddenly asked with a frazzled tone much more in line with their conversation yesterday, taking note of his much more obvious manner of staring at her than she was used to.
"No. I'm sorry." He whispered, using all of his willpower to drag his gaze away, before resting it upon the flaky, golden portion in his hand.
Lily winced inwardly, shaking her head as she took a deep breath in to collect her thoughts before she could say something impulsive again. "No, I'm the one who should apologize. That didn't come out right. I only meant that you've been looking at me differently ever since yesterday."
"Well...it's not often that you are told that someone you felt was close to you...has grown to fear you so much that you've become their Boggart." he dejectedly sighed.
"I…" Lily stammered, taken aback by him putting it together so quickly. She hadn't told him the specific details of what had occurred. But Severus was clever enough to figure that sort of thing out. He had been arguably the best student in not only their year, but the entire school when it came to Defense Against the Dark Arts.
She didn't know what to say in response. To lie to him and deny the truth he had sorted out? To go on the defensive and ask how he could blame her for it when dealing with his vicious streak? But something about the boy's clearly sad demeanor was so out of character that neither of those more negative responses escaped her lips.
Rather, a soft nod of acknowledgement and the barest touch of her hand upon his wilting shoulder. "Yeah...I suppose it isn't often…"
What came next, however, Lily hadn't been prepared for. A thin trickle of water down Severus' cheek as his breaths grew ragged and labored, his lips quivering. Was he...starting to cry?
"I'm sorry…" he choked out in a hoarse whisper. The decades of unspoken words and endless depth of hidden emotion had begun to leak out of him.
"You...what?" Lily shuddered as her eyelids opened wide.
"I...am so sorry. For everything. Everything you know about and so much more." Severus shivered, his whole body quaking as it was wracked by so much pent-up guilt and self-loathing.
"Severus…" Lily's expression softened, all of yesterday's tension and negativity beginning to melt away at his display. It wasn't the fact that Severus never apologized for things that they fought about. It was the fact that he always seemed to be apologizing for the fact that she had a problem with his actions, rather than ever showing any genuine remorse."My family...my friends...the people I love are everything to me."
"I know…" he croaked out with no hesitation. He'd known first-hand the lengths and sacrifices she'd make for someone she loved.
"So you must know how much it's been hurting me to see my best friend...my little slice of home that I get to take with me to school every single year...turning into someone I don't even recognize or particularly like. Severus, you're always so angry. So quick to turn violent. And it always seems like you're okay brushing off things that should get your other...friends...locked into Azkaban."
"I know." he repeated, his shame obvious at how accurately she described his younger self. A self that no longer existed, yet he couldn't tell Lily the truth as to why...
"Listen, Severus. It's so much more than the fact that you live with them. You were sorted into the bloody house; nobody could ever be stupid enough to expect you to sleep out in the hallways where Peeves or the Baron might haunt you."
Lily knew that she needed to pick her words extremely carefully, because she knew how defensive Severus could be. Not that she had been any better last night…the least she could do after failing him by the lake was try her best to be fair to him.
"It's the fact that you seem...fascinated by them. You think that just because Rosier, Avery, and Mulciber's families have power, influence, fame and notoriety that it's somehow a good idea to consort with monsters that would torture or murder people like me the second they get out of Hogwarts. They'll probably take the bloody Dark Mark before they've even graduated…"
Severus winced at the mention of the Dark Lord's brand, the burning sensation still present in his mind before all of that pain suddenly vanished. Lily's soft fingertips had drifted to his cheek and turned his face back to face her.
"I always believed that you could rise above and be greater than all their ilk combined. In fact, I still do...You're naturally clever, you work hard, you're so talented and can create your own spells. Nobody else I know can do that." she praised him with a sad smile. "But you need to use all of that for yourself. Not for a crowd that would just treat you like a tool for it. For you, Sev…"
The man-turned-boy ceased his pitiful wailing at the sound of Lily's usage of his old nickname. A nickname that he hadn't heard in over 20 years…
"Like I said, my family and my friends are my everything. And if you're really sorry...truly...we can work this out. Because you're part of that group that I hold so dear.
"Plus, I damn sure need a different Boggart." she added with a joke, a fragment of her earlier, lighthearted giggling returned. Her gleaming, emerald eyes twinkled amidst the sunlit hospital ward. "Yesterday's was so real and so scary that I never want to see it again."
"You...you forgive me?" he asked, hungry to hear those words from her even if she was in no position to forgive his greatest sins that remained unknown to her.
But, as he should have expected, Lily shook her head. "It's still too early for that." she explained. "We've clearly...got a lot of problems that we can't ignore anymore. But!" she paused for added effect.
Severus gave her a teary-eyed look of melancholy recollection. He recognized his long-lost friend's flair for the dramatic when she wanted to break up a tense moment.
"I have things I need to work on too. Clearly, you require more of my attention and focus if I'm to be the type of friend you need."
Severus just blanked out, oblivious to what she was trying to say. She had been his only friend...all he'd ever needed to turn his back on a road that led to perhaps becoming a Dark Lord himself one day.
"So. Once you get discharged from the Hospital Wing, what say you to a study session with me for the Potions O.W.L.?"
"As if you need it…" he smirked. "You're almost as good as I am."
"Excuse me!" she pouted, folding her arms. "I'll remind you that we're equally talented at it! But it's not for me. I was...erm...wondering if you'd be willing to help me tutor one of my other friends. Mary?"
Severus' mind ran through the list of names from his past, trying to recall which of the thousands of students through his time at Hogwarts she was referring to. "Mary...that's your Muggle-born friend, right?"
Lily's calm demeanor soured just a bit at that remark. "The very same...something wrong with her?"
"Nothing." Severus shook his head, keeping his eye contact. "I just wanted to make sure I wasn't mistaking her for someone else." His voice and delivery were as sincere as anything Lily had seen from the awkward boy. It echoed his pleas from the night before…
"Can...can I believe you, Sev?" she thought before letting that tension fade.
"Yes. That's her. Shall we make a plan, then? Perhaps Sunday evening, a few hours before dinner in Slughorn's classroom?"
"Four in the afternoon." Severus confirmed with his professorial delivery, making a mental note not to miss this for any reason.
Lily, seeing this, tilted her head at his peculiar behavior before smiling again. "Right then. We won't be late."
Severus dropped the persona of Professor Snape immediately after Lily's beaming grin returned. It wasn't a role he'd been fond of assuming. Besides...seeing those eyes and that smile, regardless of her trepidation of jumping back into friendship with him made his heavy heart feel like it was weightless, flowing in a soft breeze.
...Had Severus and Lily been looking in the direction of his bedside table, they would have seen the Wide-Eye Potion swaying gently in the air from side to side...
Author's Note: I think that TJ Jordan said it best in their review a couple of days ago (thanks so much for that by the way) that Severus and Lily's relationship had occurred too quickly when compared to the slow, plodding pace of the narrative itself. A fact that I'm trying to rectify with the retelling here in Viridi. Let everything breathe, don't get too impatient, etc.
As I've previously mentioned, there's a long list of plot points that I never got to during my previous attempts, whole scenes and concepts that had actually been written out and even Beta'd, but were so far ahead of where I was in the story that I sadly had to keep them to myself. That's the struggle of impatience as an author, and I'm trying to keep chopping away at this so I can get to all of those exciting moments and share them with you all this time.
As always, if you liked the chapter, please leave me a review with whatever amount of detail you're comfortable with. It's my lifeline as a writer to receive audience feedback!