Facing death. It wasn't the first time I had to face it. But to face it with the woman I loved? That I hadn't even kissed? It was nearly too great a task.
If Xena had died that fateful day, I don't know if I would have had the strength to go on. Yes, I would have made certain her body rested next to her brother and her mother would have been told in person. And not by one of my stories or by rumor.
I've barely begun writing and already I'm fighting back tears. The saddest part? It won't be the last time I write about the death of my soulmate. Or how we managed to reunite.
I have to take a sip of water. I want something stronger but know it will only drown out the memories. Part of writing these chronicles is so that I can process everything Xena and I experienced together.
The difficulty with the first experience with Xena's perceived death was the fact it was the bringer of Callisto. We didn't know it at the time, but it was she who merely wanted to slow the warrior princess down.
I can't even begin to put into words what the woman's influence had on both our lives. Now I've gone from crying tears of sadness to rage.
This isn't what this particular chapter is about, but I have to say. I did forgive Callisto. But I can never forget. And I can never truly heal because of all the things she caused us to endure.
Back to the first time I thought I'd lost my soulmate. It was unreal. We had spent a handful of days adjusting and enjoying the fact we could finally say we were in love, even if only in private, to me potentially saying my final goodbyes.
A part of me thinks I should have known better. I'd already witnessed so many magical feats by Xena. But death is unforgiving, as I'd already learned, once upon a time.
That poor tree. I wonder if I did it any real harm when I had learned of Xena's passing? I know my staff had lost its life in the first step of my attempting to grieve.
Once again, Salmoneus proved he was a decent man, even though his first thoughts were always for profit. Without his kindness, I don't think I would have managed to stand up and do the right thing. It wasn't only about retrieving Xena's body, it was about helping the villagers.
I have to stop once again. I don't know if I can finish this introduction part of the chapter. It's bringing so many emotions to the surface.
Ones, not forgotten, but had been buried. Unfortunately, there were so many situations that caused me to bury my emotions. For us both to attempt to not be haunted.
For me, the first major emotional moment was losing Xena. How would I have reacted had I known it was only the first of many times I would mourn my soulmate?
THE GREATER GOOD
It wasn't always easy finding a sparring partner. Xena hated to spar with the bard, if only out of fear of harming Gabrielle. Much to the chagrin of the young amazon in training.
Argo wasn't Gabrielle's first choice. Especially when Xena would intervene. She loathed when her warrior princess would whistle, causing the amazing horse to act.
It was true, Gabrielle did need a sparring partner. And it was true that it shouldn't be Argo. It wasn't like they hated one another.
Xena made a funny. Teasing by her warrior princess, at one time, could cause concern for Gabrielle. She hadn't known whether or not it was purely in jest or was seriously angry.
Now that they had finally admitted they loved one another, Gabrielle knew it was fully in jest. Not that either wouldn't become angry and say something they would later regret. It was the solace knowing there was always love behind everything.
A little bonding time with Argo. It had been quite some time since that had happened. Make sure the saddle was tight? That was an unusual request.
It seemed Gabrielle and Argo were going to get along for once. It was a nice change from the norm. That was until Xena was once again whistling.
It just had to be while Gabrielle had her foot in the stirrup. The bard was soon on her backside. The sky was amazing, as was the breeze and sun. That was a positive.
The best insult Gabrielle could come up with was stupid, conniving, four-foot daughter of a mare? The bard had to work on her vocabulary.
It took a little while for Gabrielle to catchup to Xena and Argo. There was an old friend in need. Salmoneus was making money by selling fizzy water.
But that wasn't the only thing Salmoneus had sold. It had taken listening to more salesmanship before the truth was revealed.
Salmoneus had sold talcamite to a warlord. It had led to one big naked defeat. Gabrielle had been quick with the wit that time.
The seriousness of the matter was no joking matter. Because Salmoneus was using the people of the village in his latest get rich scheme, it was placing them all in danger.
Make certain Talmadeus knew what he was up against? Gabrielle knew that meant Xena was planning on paying the warlord a visit. But how far would she go?
As Gabrielle watched, hidden on the side of the road, she realized something. While she had always worried about her warrior princess, something had changed. It was on a level the bard hadn't even known existed.
It heightened even more when Gabrielle realized something wasn't right. Xena was struggling. And when she was on her back, the bard went into action.
With Argo's help, the pair was able to get away. Gabrielle immediately wanted to ask what was happening. Returning to the village and making certain Xena was cared for was the number one priority.
Gabrielle didn't mean to be harsh. But the woman she loved, and now knew loved her, had withheld something that placed them both in mortal danger.
In one way, Xena was right. Now was not the time to inform the warrior princess how stupid and disappointed Gabrielle was in her. Now was the time to plan. To make certain everyone survived.
Yet, listening to what her soulmate would have to endure, Gabrielle wanted to be physically sick. It wasn't an option. Even when Xena wouldn't commit to recovering fully.
Someone needed to be in charge. Xena, for now, was capable of doing just that. It would be up to Gabrielle and Salmoneus to follow through on any plans the warrior princess formed.
This was not what Gabrielle had in mind. Wearing Xena's leathers was…She'd worn leathers while in the amazon village. But there was something so powerful about the warrior princess' leathers.
Was it the mystique? Was it who they belonged to? Or was it merely what Gabrielle equated to them. They, in a way, were the warrior princess.
Counting on Gabrielle to appear as the warrior princess was a gamble. As much as the bard loved her soulmate, she was not confident in the plan.
Especially when Gabrielle attempted to do Xena's war cry. It was comedic at best. Although, when Salmoneus tightened the straps, it helped quite a bit.
It was now up to Salmoneus to ready his workers. They wouldn't have to fight, but they would have to participate. Hopefully convincingly enough to Talmadeous' men.
When Xena called her over, Gabrielle knew it was to be a serious talk. This was different than any other battle. The bard was to be the target. She would follow Xena's instructions. Even though it meant riding Argo.
Argo probably didn't hate her. It was a combination of things. Gabrielle wasn't fond of heights. But more so, it was the fact she had had her very own horse as a child. She had been extremely attached to him. But he had become sick. She had thought he'd get better. In the end, sometimes things you love leave you.
It was difficult leaving Xena. For the first time, Gabrielle was the target. For the first time, it was her warrior princess who was the weak one.
Argo's reaction was to be expected. There was the familiar scent of the leather, but there was the scent of the human being to confuse the horse.
It was odd having to call a truce with a horse, but if Gabrielle were to save Xena and the villagers, she had to do just that.
Once again, it was nearly comical when both Gabrielle and Salmoneus attempted to mimic Xena's whistle for Argo to gallop.
It didn't take much to find Talmadeus' men. Gabrielle wasn't certain if she was truly convincing them, especially when her whistle had Argo kneeling.
Gabrielle managed to recover. She heard the words. The man who gets her, gets her. It was not even remotely anything the bard would ever want to experience.
At the sound of Gabrielle's voice, the villagers did their thing. The men were disarmed and held at bay by the spraying water. It was enough to confuse them as the bard let fly the 'chakram', thankful when the real chakram was sent flying.
Before making her way to Xena, Gabrielle made certain guards were posted. There wasn't a true warrior among the villagers, but they could keep an eye out for trouble.
While Gabrielle knew what Xena had ordered needed to be done, couldn't they take a moment to discuss just how serious whatever it was happening to the warrior princes was?
As Gabrielle took the weapons from Xena, she couldn't even look the warrior princess in the eye. The woman she loved was struggling. It wasn't mentally. It was her health. Something the bard was sure she could assist with.
Gabrielle had to ask. Was Xena about to die? Forget about her warrior princess? It wasn't fair to ask. Yes, these people needed their protection. And they would get it. But what about Xena? What about Gabrielle?
More importantly, what about this newfound part to their relationship? It was only how long ago that finally the words were said. And had yet to act upon those feelings?
The greater good? Gabrielle hated it immediately. If only because it meant Xena would gladly die so that the villagers could live. And leave the bard behind to grieve.
The bard had known what Xena's last wishes would be. It had been a place the warrior princess had visited while trying to make amends to her mother and home village. It was where Gabrielle had told her soulmate she was not alone.
The chaos she was creating felt amazing, if only because Gabrielle was now in such a dark place. The talk of death and bringing Xena home to Amphipolis was soul draining.
Unfortunately, Gabrielle wasn't as lucky this time around. A little water was enough to destroy her disguise. The bard was truly in hot water now.
Gabrielle did her usual. She attempted to use her words to cause Talmadeus to doubt himself. Unfortunately, her words failed her. It was her turn to face a certain death.
That was until an unlikely heroine came to her rescue. Gabrielle didn't have time to think about putting differences beside with Argo. All she could think of was reaching Xena and hopefully saving her soulmate.
The moment Salmoneus attempted to hold her back, Gabrielle knew something had happened. Was it the bard's worse nightmares come true?
It couldn't be real. It just couldn't be. As Gabrielle knelt beside the still body of her warrior princess, she realized it had actually happened. Xena, her soulmate, was dead.
The bard took a moment to attempt to memorize all she could before daring what she had never dared before. A gentle kiss upon Xena's forehead wasn't enough of a goodbye. But it would have to suffice until the villagers were safe.
Nothing more to do than run for it? But that would leave the villagers to fend for themselves. It's not what Xena would have wanted for a millisecond. It was not what Gabrielle would allow to happen.
The villagers would need to holdout, if only long enough so that Gabrielle could make it to Labottie. It was the last known whereabouts of Iolaus. He could help, as well as hopefully Hercules.
And the speech. Nearly identical to the one Xena had given Gabrielle. It wasn't about she or Salmoneus. It was about the innocent people of the village Salmoneus had placed in grave danger. It was about the greater good.
As soon as she was alone, Gabrielle needed to grieve. No one would know exactly what she meant to Xena. No one would know how much the bard loved the warrior princess.
It wasn't having others know Gabrielle was grieving. She knew Xena would want them to keep their relationship from everyone. Already a target merely for traveling with the warrior princess, to be known as her lover would write the biggest bull's eye on the bard's back.
The poor tree. Gabrielle couldn't help it. Over and over and over again she continued to hit the tree. Her poor staff gave out, just as she physically had to give in.
There would be more grieving. So much grieving. Hopefully Gabrielle would be able to live again. Maybe even continue to write about her adventures with the warrior princess.
Finally, it was Xena's words about focusing that brought Gabrielle out of her grief-stricken haze. It wouldn't stop her from grieving, just allow her to function.
It was just in time as Xena's body was gone. Who had taken it? Most likely, it was Talmadeus or one of his men. Gabrielle knew exactly what she had to do.
The battling bard versus an army. That's what it was like as Gabrielle fought her way through the ranks of Talmadeus' army.
It wasn't long until Gabrielle was face to face with Talmadeus. Now was the difficult part. She had to prove she was capable of holding off the army, while retrieving Xena's body.
All it took was glancing away for a second. It earned Gabrielle being held and threatened once again. And it led to watching as Xena's body was tied to two horses.
Neither horse would move no matter how many times they were whipped. Gabrielle realized, a moment before Talmadeus did, that one of those horses was Argo. There was no way the loyal mare would ever go against Xena.
Gabrielle was grateful she was being held for a moment as she watched Xena rise from the dead. It was impossible. It was unbelievable.
Yet, Gabrielle should have had faith in her warrior princess. But how? Death was so final. The bard had witnessed that first-hand how many times now.
One of Xena's first acts was to make certain Gabrielle was free. The bard just had to make certain her warrior princess never did anything like that again.
Luckily, with the help of the villagers and Salmoneus, the fight didn't last long. Talmadeus would face the wrath of the villagers, but it would be just.
Once again, Xena and Gabrielle were headed out, side by side. Argo, it had turned out, didn't hate the bard. Of course, they had something very important in common. They both loved the warrior princess.
The love caused Gabrielle to be angry with Xena. She had truly thought the warrior princess was dead. That they would no longer be traveling together.
It was worse because Xena knew what the poison was and knew the potential side effects. The most important thing Gabrielle hadn't lost sight of was the fact they were clueless as to who had poisoned the warrior princess.
There was no need to thank Gabrielle for saving her warrior princess. Or for making certain that Xena made it home. For all that Xena had gifted her with, it was the least she could do.
Gabrielle didn't want to become soft. Yet, she wanted to ask if Xena had felt the kiss. She wanted to share a real kiss with her soulmate.
As with expressing her true feelings, Gabrielle couldn't seem to make the first move. She couldn't figure out how to hint what she wanted. One day…One day.
()()()()()()()()()()()()()
It was odd. Xena remained distant from her bard, even after finally having the courage to find the words. To tell Gabrielle she was in love with her.
Was it habit? Or was Xena terrified of the next step in the relationship. Already, they had traveled together. They had eaten together, bathed together and slept in the same bed.
But the next step terrified Xena. Every intimate relationship she'd had not any feelings behind it. Yes, she had cared a great deal for Marcus. In a way, she had loved him. She wanted to believe her son had been born from love but wasn't so certain as she had been incapable of love at that time in her life.
Even from a distance, Xena could tell Gabrielle was causing trouble. At least she wasn't making friends with Argo. When would her bard learn?
Yes, Gabrielle needed to practice. But not with Argo she didn't. It would be much pleasanter if the two could get along, instead of always antagonizing one another.
Xena had to lighten the moment. She truly was telling Argo to have patience with Gabrielle. After all, in the beginning, it had taken all of the warrior princess' patience in regards to her bard.
The warrior princess had to suppress a smile at her bard's reaction. There was a road not far. It would give Argo and Gabrielle a little bit of time alone if she walked there. Hopefully the bard would make certain the saddle was tight.
Someone appearing out of nowhere running up to Xena had to be in trouble. There was a vague recollection of the name Talmadeus, but Lord Seltzer?
Wonderful? Giving? Unselfish? There were very few men in Xena's life that could be classified as such. Still, it was someone, and maybe a village, in trouble.
Once again Xena was whistling for Argo. Hopefully her bard had her horse ready. There was one time Gabrielle had taken liberties. The warrior princess cringed at the memory of how gruff she had been in the beginning.
As Xena made her way toward the village leading Argo, something hit her. It was painful. The dart she retrieved was longer than most used on human prey. There was a familiar scent. If it was what the warrior princess thought it was…It could mean real trouble.
Easily, Xena stopped the men from attacking the village. How was it she was not surprised when she discovered it was Salmoneus behind the troubles of the village.
Salmoneus had some explaining to do that was certain. The more he protested at the use of his real name, the more Xena knew he was hiding something major.
To protect the village and Salmoneus, Xena needed to know what he had done to Talmadeus so that she could better plan on how to deal with him.
When Salmoneus attempted to say it was his secret recipe, Xena was beginning to lose her patience. It just had to be talcamite didn't it?
Gabrielle's hasty pun was amusing. But being embarrassed to that degree was not good. It meant Talmadeus would do anything to exact his revenge.
Leaving was not an option. Salmoneus had to face the consequences of his actions. And someone had to protect the villagers. Xena only hoped it would be before the effects of the dart was fully known.
Salmoneus had to have led a charmed life to remain alive. Gabrielle was correct on that. Now, it was time to see what Talmadeus was truly like. And what they would need to do defeat him.
It was far too easy to track Talmadeus' men. Just as things were becoming interesting, something happened. Her vision blurred. Her moves were not as coordinated. It had to be the poison taking affect sooner than Xena had anticipated.
Luckily, Gabrielle was there to rescue her. Argo and the bard worked as a team to make certain the trio made it back to the temporary safety of the village.
For the first time, Xena truly heard the love in Gabrielle's voice as the bard chastised the warrior princess. It caused Xena to hate herself once again. Though it was true she didn't know how much talmic poison there was, she should have informed her soulmate of the possibilities.
Xena hoped there would be time for Gabrielle to yell at her later. For now, they needed to continue planning on how to defend the village. One thing came to mind.
It would be easier than saying there was a very real possibility Xena would not live through this. That it would have to be Gabrielle who saved the day.
Seeing Gabrielle in her leathers and armor was…Xena had to admit there was a part of her that was experiencing something she never expected. Not that she wasn't physically attracted to the bard, but it was so different and…
The yell was sketchy at best. It was the appearance and the movements that counted. There was also the fact Gabrielle would have to ride Argo that gave some concern.
Now to break it to Gabrielle. But it wasn't only about riding Argo. It was the fact her bard was the sole target. It was Gabrielle's job to lure Talmadeus and his men to the village.
The story of Gabrielle's horse nearly tore Xena enough to allow for a tear or two. It could be so much like the current situation. She couldn't say it and hoped Gabrielle hadn't guessed.
Xena readied herself by the window. She watched as Gabrielle couldn't quite get the whistles right. The time until her bard returned and yelled for her seemed like an eternity.
The chakram did its job. For now, the men would run back to Talmadeus. It was step one of the plan. How many would depend on how determined Talmadeus was to gain his revenge.
There was no need for thanks. Especially if Salmoneus was to make amends to the villagers. Only time would tell if Salmoneus would do the right thing.
Listening to Salmoneus go on, Xena was grateful for her bard's return. Especially after he had spritzed her with the fizzy water. Just seeing that Gabrielle was safe was a relief. For now.
Instead of facing her feelings, Xena did her usual. While all the things she was suggesting were important, she couldn't handle a sensitive chat with her bard.
How Xena wished there was something more than give it time. If she remained an invalid, it would be the most difficult thing in the world as a warrior. And to become a burden to her bard?
Fortunately, it wasn't about Xena. It wasn't about Gabrielle. As she handed her bard the weapons, it was easy to say it was for the villagers. It was for the greater good. In the grand scheme of things, that's all that mattered.
It was happening faster than Xena could anticipate. Her eyesight was nearly gone. She could barely even pull herself on the ground. She couldn't find what she needed. But she could still sense the uninvited visitors.
Luckily, with the last of her strength, Xena managed to dispatch the assassins. Vaguely, she heard Salmoneus' voice. But she couldn't make out the words. She needed to sleep. She needed to close her eyes.
What did Xena experience while she was dead? It wasn't like stories she had been told. All she could see was her bard. Gabrielle was dressed in a white dress. It was obvious it was some kind of ceremony. Was it a wedding? Would Xena ever commit so publicly to her bard?
There was a tenderness. Xena couldn't be certain if she was dead anymore. The touch was as if her lover was kissing her goodbye. Gabrielle. She was near. Xena had to fight to return to her soulmate.
It was as if the kiss was bringing her back. Xena nearly felt whole. There was tingling in her arms and legs. If she opened her eyes, she was certain she would be able to see. A softness covered her.
There was a fight. How Xena wished she could witness it. It had to be Gabrielle fighting to regain possession of her soulmate's body.
The sun was warm upon her skin once the covering was removed. If only Xena could move, she wouldn't have been tied to two horses. One had to be Argo as neither would do as they were commanded.
It was fitting her first words were about touching Argo. Of course, Xena was more concerned about her bard. Seeing Gabrielle being threatened gave her all the strength she required.
The battle was on. Gabrielle just had to command she never die again. If it were up to Xena, she would never die. Or if she did, she would live out each life or the afterlife with Gabrielle by her side.
Hades her body remaining weak. It nearly caused Xena to lose the fight. And it caused her to suffer the worst breath ever. The comment was enough to distract Talmadeus and defeat him. The villagers had stood up to the rest of the warriors. The battle was over.
They left Salmoneus and the villagers to recover. Xena wondered if Salmoneus would remain or if he would be onto his next get rich quick scheme.
It didn't matter at the moment. What did matter was Argo and Gabrielle seemed to be getting along. Yes, strange circumstances could bring together even the most unlikely of pairings.
Facing the fact Xena had technically been dead and what it had done to Gabrielle wasn't going to be easy. Yes, she should have confided in her bard the full potential of the devastating effects of the poison.
There was now an unknown adversary out there. It could be someone from Xena's past or it could be someone attempting to be the one to kill the warrior princess. It seemed more personal to Xena. Time would tell.
The one thing Xena would eternally be grateful for was the fact she would have made it home. At least she would have made it back to Amphipolis thanks to her soulmate. Saying thanks was not nearly adequate.
()()()()()()()()()()()()()
They were not far from a village, but Xena didn't want to be around people. She wasn't certain how her bard was feeling. But after her near death experience, she needed alone time with Gabrielle.
The campfire was already crackling, as was the fish frying. Neither was in the mood for anything. The fizzy water wasn't as good as wine or mead would have been.
Xena knew she would have to be the one to open the conversation. "I'm sorry." It seemed she had become an expert at apologizing.
Before answering, Gabrielle removed the fish from the fire. She placed them on their wooden plates, before handing one to her soulmate.
"Things are different now." Gabrielle stabbed at her fish. She wasn't hungry, but knew she had to eat. There hadn't been much time throughout the past couple days to do so.
"I know they are." Xena managed a bit of the fish. It was as amazing tasting as always. "I've lived a solitary life since I was fifteen. Yes, I was surrounded by armies or had my share of lovers."
Gabrielle couldn't force herself to eat anymore. The thought of how many men and women Xena had slept with caused her meager appetite to completely disappear.
"I was always the one in charge. The few times I allowed my guard down, I was hurt. One way or another I was hurt." Xena placed her fish on the bedroll. There was no way she could finish it.
"Do you regret telling me you love me?" Gabrielle somehow managed to look Xena in the eyes. It wasn't easy with the fear of the answer looming.
"That's what I'm trying to tell you." Xena was now next to her bard. She was grateful when Gabrielle took the hand offered her. "I was hurt in so many ways. But I was never truly hurt by even the thought of losing someone."
"Yet, I suffered through that." Gabrielle wanted her staff once again. There would be no helping the poor tree if she were to have a staff at the moment.
Xena felt the nearly crushing pressure and knew her apology wasn't going as well as it should. "I did my usual. I kept details to myself. Because that's what I'm used to. Forgetting I have the most amazing person in the world to watch out for me. To protect me. To attempt to make me safe and happy."
It took a moment for Gabrielle to truly process what her warrior princess was saying. While there was a part of the bard that would remain angry, she could understand, a little, what Xena was going through.
"It's like telling anyone we are more than best friends." Gabrielle smiled sadly. "We can't. I'm already a liability. Even with me able to fight fairly well, I'm holding you back when fighting. If people were to discover the connection was so much more…"
"Stop." Xena was now kneeling before her bard. "While we do have to be cautious of public displays of affection and anyone discovering our love for one another, you are not now nor have you ever been a liability."
Gabrielle couldn't see it that way. "How many times have I been kidnapped? Been naïve and done things that made the situation worse?"
"Listen to me." Xena pulled Gabrielle against her. The warmth and scent of her warrior princess was intoxicating. "While it's true in the beginning you sometimes were more exuberant than I had anticipated, you've changed. You've grown."
"You've become an amazing young woman who can fight, not only with your words, but with your staff." Xena nearly couldn't think as Gabrielle seemed to nestle into her body.
"And whenever there is anything that needs fighting for that I don't think I can handle, I think of you." Gabrielle reluctantly pulled away a little so that she was looking her warrior princess in the eyes.
"You have always believed in me. You have always brought me back when I was in a haze." Xena reached out and tucked a stray hair behind an adorable ear.
"So while others will see you as my weakness, I see you as my strength." Xena wasn't accustomed to being so verbal. But she knew Gabrielle needed to hear how much she needed her. How much she loved her.
"So once again, I say I'm sorry that I didn't confide in you. Especially just how serious it could become." Xena wanted to kiss her bard. She wanted to finally make it official, at least with a token physical act.
As if reading her mind, Gabrielle kissed Xena. It still wasn't on the lips. It was on the forehead. In that moment, Xena knew it was her bard that had brought her back from the brink of death.
It would always be her bard guiding her. Making her do the impossible. After all, Gabrielle had already taught Xena the true meaning of love. If the bard could teach the hardened warrior that, she was capable of doing anything.