an: wanted to say thanks for the reviews/followers. i'm going to attempt to update about once a month. and i promise, no matter how long it takes, it will be finished.
Where do I even start? I touched on the subject in my last entry. But facing the initial meeting of Callisto is something I will always have a difficult time putting into words.
I could look at the timeframe as the introduction of Joxer, but that only gives me so much comfort. He was an amazing friend over the years. Even taking care of Argo and gifting Xena with her daughter.
Even with a friend such as Joxer entering our lives at the same time, it can't overshadow what Callisto entering our lives signaled.
There is another fact I should hold onto. Without Callisto's hatred and obsession with revenge, I may never have been free to be with my soulmate. But at what cost as I nearly killed for the very first time in an act of my own vengeance.
I'm ahead of myself, but that is habit by now. It's difficult to look at a specific event, without seeing how it affected us down the road.
I'll attempt to concentrate on that moment when I first saw Callisto. Or attempting to convince Xena not to seek revenge. Or when I was hanging so high above the ground and my soulmate once again had to rescue me.
For once, it wasn't because I had been naïve. Yet, it had been. I had attempted to say Callisto could be changed. That she could be redeemed. Over and over again, she would prove I was wrong.
It wasn't until…Here I go again. I don't think I can truly concentrate on that first meeting of Callisto, as much I try. In this life, and those to come, she will forever be a part of us. She will forever have formed who we are.
Ironic since, in a way, Callisto was forged by Xena. One could argue for and against that. But in Callisto's mind, it was Xena who created her.
Yet, without Callisto, we wouldn't have Eve. A gift I can never repay. I know Xena feels the same. Our only regret is how Ares interfered and we missed out on raising our daughter. For once, I can't be angry with the God of War as he had meant to preserve us, together, for eternity.
So I return to that initial meeting with Callisto. I'd hoped to have had some alone time with Xena. So that we could talk more. And perhaps I could have truer aim and kiss her on the lips, instead of the forehead.
We had been relaxing in the tavern. We had been to spend the night at the inn. Would it have been our first time? Callisto struck and so many things began to unfold. All because of the cycle of hatred and violence.
CALLISTO
Entertaining in a tavern was not how Gabrielle had wanted to spend her evening with Xena. They had so much to discuss. At the same time, the bard's dinars were dwindling. It was her way of earning her keep, at least from a monetary standpoint.
The crowd had seemed to enjoy her stories. Gabrielle was her own worst critic. She thought they needed work. Or was it that she wasn't in the right frame of mind?
When the fight began, Gabrielle instantly knew that it had something to do with her soulmate. Someone was accusing Xena of her dark ways.
Every traveler from here to Corinth had a story of Xena leading an army. Even slaughtering women, children and the elderly? Who could be doing such heinous things.
Revenge was not a way to live one's life. Gabrielle hadn't felt it but had heard enough stories of Xena's early warlord days. It was what had brought about the destroyer of nations.
As they traveled toward Corinth in search of answers, Gabrielle could see what the looks and whispers were doing to her soulmate.
It wasn't easy to witness the hidden expression. In the past, Gabrielle would have thought it was because Xena didn't care or was remaining stoic.
Now that Gabrielle had traveled for so long with her warrior princess, the bard knew better. Xena was hurting inside. But she would never show it as it was a sign of weakness.
Except in front of Gabrielle when they were alone. Confiding the fact Xena had once upon a time wanted to see fear in other people's eyes. That she was driven by doing whatever it would take to make people terrified. It meant the warrior princess was doing her job properly.
The interruption by Joxer was welcomed in some ways. After he began speaking, it was unwelcomed. There was something about the warrior wannabe that Gabrielle took an instant disliking to.
It could be Joxer tried too hard. That he couldn't be happy with who he was so he pretended to be more. Perhaps he had a reason for wanting to be such a loathsome thing as a warlord.
Unfortunately, it wasn't long after Joxer finally got the message and had left Xena alone that another who wanted revenge found them.
As Gabrielle attempted to explain to the young man how easily it would have been for Xena to kill him, she could see the hatred. How it was easier for Melas to hold onto the hate then even think Xena might be innocent.
It was difficult to keep track of Xena, not that her warrior princess couldn't handle herself in battle. Something felt different this time.
It wasn't because they had admitted their feelings for one another, finally. It was because someone was messing with the redemption Xena was seeking but would never allow herself.
The stranger was good. There was no denying she was nearly as good as Xena. But there was something Gabrielle couldn't place her finger on. It was as if the unknown warrior was dead inside.
Now Melas believed. But he still wanted revenge. As Xena had said, at least she could try and keep him alive. Because the warrior princess knew the type. There was no stopping him from seeking revenge.
They made some distance from the latest village to be savaged by Callisto before making camp. Gabrielle ached as Melas spoke of not sleeping since he'd buried his son.
Gabrielle grew even sadder when she realized the only thing Melas thought would ease his pain was revenge. Not just any kind of revenge. The young man wanted blood.
While Melas worried Gabrielle, it was Xena that concerned the bard. Something had transpired between the warrior princess and Callisto.
The bard had heard enough to know that something had happened in Cirra. It involved Callisto. But exactly what it was remained a mystery. But it was what was causing Xena to sit alone by the fire and stare into the flames.
It was flames to be blamed for the torture Xena was bringing upon herself. It was the one time women and children had been harmed during her warlord days.
It came back to revenge. Callisto was one of the few survivors. Who knew how many she knew and loved had been accidentally killed in that fire. How many she would blame Xena for.
Xena couldn't blame Callisto? How was that even possible. There was no excuse for killing. Melas was a good man, beneath the rage. At one time, Xena had been the daughter of an innkeeper. Somebody had to say no to the lust of revenge.
The bard hoped she would never have to know exactly how difficult it would be to know what the lust for revenge can do to a person.
As Gabrielle listened, she remembered exactly what she had felt while hitting the tree. Yes, it was releasing the grief. But it was also wanting to seek revenge. If she had not been so focused on saving the village... More importantly, she had been focused on bringing Xena's body home to Amphipolis.
Bloodlust. It was something Gabrielle had never known. Xena had. And she had overcome it. But if something were to happen to Mother, Hercules or the bard…
That was one line Gabrielle could not have her soulmate crossing. It would be blood upon her own soul. Looking into those azure eyes, that were violet in the firelight, she could see the pain. The beginning of a tear.
Love! It had to be the answer. The love the soulmates shared was beyond words. It hadn't even begun to be explored. There was no way Xena would taint that love by seeking revenge.
It didn't go unnoticed how Xena refused to promise. She said she loved her and admired her, but there was no mention of not seeking revenge.
Gabrielle had to push her soulmate to make that promise. There would be no attempt at sleep if the bard did not receive the promise. It was what the bard was working for, along with redeeming her warrior princess. Ending the cycle of hatred and violence.
Neither could sleep. It was to be a long day. But they knew where they needed to be. They just had to be there before Callisto.
Part of that meant separating so they could find Callisto. It meant Gabrielle had an interesting encounter with the warrior wannabe Joxer.
Gabrielle's staff received quite a workout as Joxer would not stop attacking her. Even when she told him to stay down, he continued to attempt to best her. Finally, the bard was able to finish her part of the plan.
They were able to thwart Callisto's efforts. Or was it her plan to draw out Xena? Whichever way, they now had to chase after Callisto.
Gabrielle had to warn her warrior princess. An angry mob was being organized by Melas. Callisto wasn't afraid to die. It didn't make it right to allow her to die at the hands of those only thinking of revenge and not justice.
The bard seemed not to have conviction as she attempted to tell Xena not to listen to Callisto. Why? It wasn't because she didn't believe Callisto was wrong. It was because she knew Xena would eternally blame herself for what happened to the people of Cirra, even Callisto.
Let her go? Gabrielle couldn't believe her soulmate was even thinking about allowing Callisto to roam free. There was a difference between Xena and Callisto. There was no changing the young woman. Her heart and soul had been eaten away by hatred.
Listening to Callisto only confirmed exactly what Gabrielle had been attempting to say. Callisto couldn't see the remorse in Xena's eyes. She couldn't see that the warrior princess was offering her a chance to reform, to make amends.
Once again, Gabrielle was seeing hatred. It wasn't only on the part of Callisto. Melas and the villagers were showing it. It would be a difficult task to keep them reined in.
As Xena watched Callisto in the jail, Gabrielle was intent on calming the crowd. The only problem? Another encounter with the inept Joxer.
Trade her to Callisto? Gabrielle didn't have time for this nonsense. To be blunt, Joxer just didn't have the warrior mystique.
Gabrielle was sorry that family tradition just wouldn't work out for Joxer, but he needed to leave her alone so she could do what she needed to do.
Just as Gabrielle was about to make her way to the jail to join Xena, a commotion broke out. Worse, Callisto broke out of the jail and took the bard.
Was it wise to be baiting Callisto? Probably not, but for some reason, Gabrielle couldn't help herself. She'd always been one to brag about Xena's abilities. But since their declared love for one another, it seemed to come even more naturally.
Bait. It wasn't the first time Gabrielle had been used as bait. It wouldn't be the last time. Even though she was now a fighter, she was no warrior princess. Their relationship, as lovers or friends, would always cause her to be a target.
No matter what, Gabrielle found herself in danger. Joxer showing up only made things worse as he too was tied up. But at least he wasn't hanging from how many feet in the air.
At least it wasn't long until Xena arrived. It was the usual vacant expression that the warrior princess went about her business.
The moves Xena made would be difficult to place into words. There was no way anyone not watching would believe just how magical and what the warrior princess was capable of.
The rope continued to burn as Callisto changed the game. It wouldn't be long until Gabrielle was plummeting to her certain death. It wasn't helping her calls for hurry or Joxer yelling.
What was even more amazing then what all Xena did to save Gabrielle was the fact the warrior princess managed to save Callisto from certain death.
Was Gabrielle truly glad Callisto was saved? While it ended, at least on Xena's part, the cycle of hatred and violence, it left the madwoman alive.
It was now up to Callisto whether she took that second chance. Gabrielle hoped seeing the sacrifice Xena made to save an innocent and to save her life would do just that. Was there too much hatred and anger inside the young woman?
()()()()()()()()()()()()()
Xena could never relax, especially when they were in a tavern. Gabrielle had just done an amazing job of telling one of her tales, embarrassing the warrior princess in the process.
A drink was something Xena rarely indulged in anymore. It was too easy for anyone, no matter their level of control, to fall prey to the substance.
Especially someone like Xena, who had so many things from her past, that she would like to forget. But they were also the things that fueled the way she lived. It was a double-edged sword. Something common for the warrior princess.
When the man came in demanding wine, it was a sign Xena didn't really need to attempt to drown out whatever she was attempting to this time. Most likely, it wasn't the evils of her past. It was the heroics Gabrielle had told of.
The reaction to her name wasn't uncommon. Some would forever hate the tarnished name. Even with all the good she attempted to do.
The man was not a fighter, that was certain. Xena felt sorry for him for attempting to kill her. But when he told her why he was so bent on taking her life, she froze.
What the Tartarus was he referring to? Even in her darkest of days, Xena never killed women and children. It had been her men wanting to kill a baby that had been the beginning of the warrior princess' rebirth.
Every traveler between here and Corinth had a similar story to tell? That meant Xena and Gabrielle needed to head to Corinth. See if they could discover what was happening. Who was behind these despicable actions.
When choruses joined in saying what Melas had said was true, it was time to leave. Of course, Xena couldn't leave without Gabrielle, for several reasons. Now, because they were more than friends. They were soulmates.
The threat to have his vengeance did not go on deaf ears. Xena knew that lust. She knew what it could do. She had become the warrior princess. And eventually, the destroyer of nations.
As they made their way toward Corinth, there were men and women. The fear plastered across their faces was once what Xena had craved.
Though she was capable of masking her emotions under most circumstances, it was difficult to maintain her stoic façade. Especially when her soulmate asked if she was all right.
Xena had to explain how she had been fueled by the expression on the strangers' faces. Nightmares were made of these. And so much more. Things she would never express to anyone, especially her bard.
Joxer? Never heard of him. He looked like he belonged in the fields, not with all the so-called armor upon his body. If he wanted a reputation, he needed to steer clear of Xena.
Lust for blood? Xena knew the man would probably faint at the sight of blood. Just taking him the nose had Joxer at a disadvantage. Masculine prowess? The warrior princess couldn't help shaking her head.
Sadly, it wasn't long before Melas was making an attempt at to take his revenge. There was a small part of Xena that wanted to do more than tie up the confused, grieving young man. If only so he would be safe from himself and from whoever was doing heinous acts in Xena's name.
The sight was something Xena used to enjoy so much. It was a site she would be responsible for. It was easy to let fly her chakram to stop the devastation.
What was so unexpected was seeing someone catching and holding her chakarm. The blonde-haired woman was dressed in leather. She was relishing the fact she held the weapon of choice. Even taunting Xena to come and get it.
The conversation and fight were unlike anything Xena had experienced. Someone had wanted revenge. It had begun by reviving her reputation. But adding to it the heinous act of killing women and children. Why?
Cirra? Even the strong of stomach warrior princess was nearly ill at the thought of the village she had attacked. It was the one time when young, old, male and female had had their lives ended.
Before Xena could even discover the woman's name, she was off. Luckily, one of her men was easily captured. Perhaps too easily captured.
While Xena was grateful for the information, it seemed too easy the man would tell him her name was Callisto. That she was seeking revenge.
It wasn't only to tarnish Xena's reputation, which she'd already succeeded in doing. It was also defeating the warrior princess in battle.
It was too easy knowing where Callisto was headed. Xena would have to be cautious. But a warning was needed, regardless. If the warrior princess created her, she would be the one to destroy her.
Melas' apology meant nothing. After all, it could have easily been true, not that long ago. The fact his anger and revenge were now focused on a dangerous kind of person meant he would need protecting.
They'd traveled as far as they dare, if only because the darkness was now everywhere. Callisto had a decent head start. Hopefully, with the light of day, they could find her, before she killed someone.
Xena could hear the conversation. She knew exactly what Melas was experiencing. When she had brought home Lyceus' body to her mother…
How had that turned Xena into the hateful, vengeful person she had become? Yes, Caesar had pushed her into a new level of darkness, but it was her brother's death that had been the beginning of her evil ways.
Leave it to Gabrielle to attempt to force Xena to think of things she would rather not think about. To this very day, she would have nightmare after nightmare. Cirra was one of her darkest moments and haunted her the most.
Cirra was a village like most Xena had attacked. While she was Tartarus bent on taking everything she could from the village, she had never intended on any of her warriors killing women and children.
Those unable to fight were huddled in their homes or barns. They sought refuge with one another. When the fire had broke out, it had swept through the village.
It was as if Xena truly were the instrument of death that day. That it was her will to have all those innocents killed. It was a day she would loathe for the rest of eternity.
Xena truly didn't blame Callisto for wanting revenge. It was what the warrior princess had wanted for her home village. And especially after the death of her brother.
Gabrielle was young and naïve if she thought it was that easy to say no to revenge. Yes, Xena had managed to do just that. But how many seasons had it taken? How many lives had been ruined, or worse, ended?
It had taken so much for Xena to realize what she had become. But if something were to happen to Hercules or her mother…
Even the thought of something happening to her bard had Xena seething. How could Gabrielle expect the warrior princess not to seek revenge?
Xena should have known she couldn't get away with saying she liked her and not to change. Gabrielle knew her too well. There was no one, not even her mother, that knew the warrior princess.
After looking into emerald eyes, Xena knew she had to promise. There was only one thing. Would the warrior princess be able to maintain that promise?
Nearly the entire night was spent with Gabrielle holding the warrior princess. Xena could not rest. It wasn't the fear of nightmares. It was knowing she could so easily disappoint the woman she loved.
Before the sun had even thought about rising, Xena and her bard had made it to Delphi. It wouldn't be long before the oracle would arrive, which meant Callisto was somewhere in the large village.
Xena hated separating, but it would be the fastest way to tack down the madwoman. Give a yell was the same as saying please be careful and that she loved her bard.
As soon as the oracle was sited, so was Callisto. Luckily, Xena was ready. And now she had her weapon at her side. It was time to capture Callisto and bring her to justice.
Bringing her to justice wouldn't be easy. Callisto was about to have her legs broken if she didn't stop kicking Argo. The horse was trained only to obey Xena's commands.
There was no way Xena could explain why she had changed her ways and Callisto would believe it. The most difficult part would be the lives affected by her heinous acts. Worse for those that were left alive.
Xena had known the apology wouldn't be accepted. So why had she said it? Because she truly was sorry. At the same time, she knew nothing could or would ever make up for the things she had done.
A mob. Xena should have expected it when Melas had remained with the villagers. If he couldn't personally seek the revenge, he would make certain Callisto was punished.
Gabrielle could never understand the fact Xena shouldn't be forgiven for her past misdeeds. She could never redeem herself, no matter if she spent this life, and every life, fighting for the greater good.
Did Xena sleep well at night? That was easy to answer. The only nights she had even a somewhat decent night's sleep were the nights she had been lucky enough to hold her bard in her arms.
There was one of the too numerous reasons why Xena would never be able to be redeemed. She had never stood trial for any of her crimes. To date, the closest she had come was when Ares had set her up so she needed him.
It was a longshot, but Xena had to ask. If she had changed, why couldn't Callisto? Gabrielle arguing against the act of letting her go surprised the warrior princess. The fact Callisto laughed at her was not surprising or shocking.
Callisto's promise sealed her fate. At least sealed the fact she was to be taken back to the village for them to judge. If it had been up to Xena, she would have attempted to change her. But Callisto made it crystal clear. She didn't want to change. She would dedicate her life to killing anything and anyone who had ever meant anything to the warrior princess.
Xena was torn. After the threat, the warrior princess wanted to kill Callisto herself. If only so that her mother or Gabrielle were not harmed.
But seeing the anger and hatred in the mob's eyes, Xena knew she had to protect Callisto, if only so she could be placed on trial.
More taunts. Some were penetrating Xena's mental armor. Allowing the crowd to have Callisto's blood would be the easy way out. One thing the warrior princess had learned was how the easy way could lead to evil, even when seeking the greater good.
Was it true? Was Xena a sentimental fool? Perhaps. Or perhaps she had learned what someone like Callisto could never learn.
What was that? Gabrielle's voice entered Xena's mind. It was sweet. It was naïve. But it was the truest of all. Love had to be the answer. Hatred, anger and revenge had to be stopped.
The mob had ruled. The jail was now on fire. Xena wouldn't allow for it to end this way. But somehow, Callisto had freed herself. In a way, the warrior princess had to be impressed. It was out of her own playbook.
Luckily, Xena wasn't out of tricks. She managed to free herself, nearly as easily. The fact they had kidnapped Gabrielle was not shocking. Who among the villagers truly meant anything to the warrior princess.
It was true. When in doubt, Xena listened to Gabrielle. When things were at their darkest, she seemed to be able to see the light. She had yet to give into the hatred and need for revenge.
It didn't take long to find Callisto's encampment. It came down to this. Gabrielle was placed in danger as Callisto attempted to impede Xena's progress.
There was no time to really think. The only thing Xena could focus on was her next move. What would lead her to her bard. There was no way she could lose Gabrielle. Not before she had kissed her.
Though she heard the sounds of their voices, Xena couldn't say what Gabrielle or Joxer were saying. Her focus was on Callisto and the burning rope.
Finally, Gabrielle was safe. Xena could have allowed Callisto to fall to her death. But it wasn't in her nature anymore. Callisto would answer for her crimes. It was up to others to pass judgement.
Callisto had wanted Xena to extinguish the rage that burned in her heart. The warrior princess understood. At the end of the day, Xena could do no less than save Callisto and hope she could one day learn do what she had. Fight for the greater good.
It was the right thing to do. Xena overheard Callisto. Would it come back to haunt them? Only time would tell. For now, it was time to move onto their next adventure. And attempt to recover from all the memories brought forth by Callisto.
()()()()()()()()()()()()()
Another campfire. Another night alone. Joxer had headed in a different direction. Melas hopefully had returned home.
It left Xena and Gabrielle in the darkness of a camp, with only the light of the campfire to light their way. In a way, that wasn't true. At least it wasn't true for Xena.
Xena knew if she were to overcome what Callisto had done to her, she needed to speak of past events. There were some she may never be able to speak of, unless she was forced to.
This was now known. It had to be spoken of. More than what she had told Gabrielle at the campfire. Though Melas had been grieving, Xena had not wanted to take a chance the young man overheard what she had to say.
"I want you to know something." Xena, for once, was not wearing her armor. She was not in her leathers. Yes, her sword was within reach, as was her chakram. But she was as vulnerable as she allowed herself.
Xena's bedroll lay at the foot of a tree. She was leaning against it, staring into the crackling fire. Gabrielle was sitting next to her. "I don't know if I'll be able to keep my promise."
Gabrielle turned to her soulmate. There was a part of her that was angry. But after listening to Callisto and Melas, she was beginning to understand.
While the answer was love, the cycle of hatred and violence wasn't easy to break. Even Gabrielle was tempted when she had thought Xena had perished.
"I know." Gabrielle maintained her gaze into a sea of darkness. Normally so bright, the past few days had taken their toll on her soulmate's eyes.
"You do?" Xena hadn't expected the simple response. For someone like Gabrielle to understand, it was something the warrior princess wouldn't have thought possible.
"I saw what Melas' son's death did to him. I saw what Callisto's lost did to her." Gabrielle turned so that she was staring into the fire.
"I heard how Callisto would not hesitate in harming anyone you cared about." Gabrielle continued to stare into the fire. "It wouldn't be about my death or Cyrene's or Hercule's. It would be stopping Callisto from harming anyone ever again."
"At one time in my life, that would have been the only way to stop me." Xena's gaze joined the fire. It was hypnotic. It was calming. Yet, it could be so destructive.
"I was like Callisto. I was waiting for someone to overpower me." Xena took a deep breath. "To end the hatred that burned within."
"Unlike Callisto, I didn't target just one person. It could have been Cortese I focused on." The list went on for those that Xena could have singled out.
"Instead, I chose to take revenge on the entire known world." Xena felt the movement but did not turn her gaze from the licking flames.
"I sought power. I sought dinars. I sought anything and everything." Xena once again took in a deep breath as she felt her soulmate snuggle next to her.
Without thought, their hands intertwined. It gave Xena the strength to continue. To continue to face the worst of her past. After all, Gabrielle was the best of her present and her future.
"There were a handful of others who attempted to reach me. The person I had been before Cortese. Before I became a soulless vengeful person." It wasn't pleasant, but it was a proper way to describe who she had been.
"It wasn't until a child. An innocent baby that I finally started to realize just what I had become." Xena finally turned from the flames.
"Yes, Hercules led me to a path. It was an uncertain path. I could continue to follow it." Xena was now staring into her bard's eyes.
They were not quite as dark before. Yes, the flames were giving them a hint of light brown. But it wasn't why they were not so dark.
Xena realized it was because this was one of the few times she had openly spoken of her past. Without attempting to change the subject or shy away from some of the darker details. Yet, she was failing to express all the details.
"It wasn't until my path led me just outside a village." Xena leaned a little closer to her bard. "It was a village I'd heard of and even been to as a child. But had never been allowed to remain to explore."
Gabrielle wondered if it was regret. She wondered what would have happened if there had been a chance meeting between the two. Because of the age difference, perhaps nothing would have changed. Or maybe everything would have changed.
The fact Xena had leaned in had Gabrielle's heart racing. Her breathing was picking up. The nearness of her soulmate was becoming too great for her.
There was also the pain. So much self punishment by the warrior princess. While others would call for a judgment upon Xena, Gabrielle knew her soulmate punished herself every single moment, both waking and sleeping.
"I'm beginning to believe something." Gabrielle closed the distance between them. "There is such a thing in this world. Two souls that are drawn together. No matter the time, place or circumstances, eventually they will find one another."
Xena swallowed at the closeness. She wanted to kiss her bard. But she would not be the one to make the first move. It would always be her bard.
"I once shared a poem with Iolaus. I didn't realize I was speaking of us." Gabrielle swallowed. She knew what this was leading to. She only hoped Xena would allow it to happen.
"Once, a long, long time ago, all people had four legs and two heads. And then the gods threw down thunderbolts and split everyone into two. Each half then had two legs and one head. But the separation left both sides with a desperate yearning to be reunited. Because they each shared the same soul. And ever since then, all people spend their lives searching for the other half of their soul."
Gabrielle didn't wait for a response, instead, she closed the distance between them. The bard had been kissed only a couple times in her life. She regretted her first kiss not being her soulmate.
Xena had thought she had been kissed. But she now knew. Physical love, no matter if merely a kiss or making love, was nothing without the emotion of love behind it.
One day, not tonight, but one day they would both learn exactly what the physical act could be like with the other half of one's soul. With love behind every touch and taste.