Callisto. The mere thought of the woman gives me chills. I know, in time, I was able to forgive her. I wouldn't have been able to become an angel had I not. But I don't think I've ever forgotten the things she did to me. To others in the name of revenge. To my soulmate.
Or maybe it's forgive myself. I hear the restlessness of my soulmate. Snow is threatening and she is cursing the fact she has not finished the surprise for our daughter she had wanted to. Xena is a perfectionist, especially when it comes to her family.
But the restlessness is not because the self imposed deadline. No, it's because the chapter in our chronicles I'm forcing myself to place to parchment.
There will be others that both of us are harsher on ourselves. But anything involving Callisto have my soulmate on edge. Whether true or not, she believes, as Callisto always did, that she created the monster. It was her lack of dealing properly with her that caused so much greater pain and death toll.
For me, Callisto means one thing. It means having allowed myself to pretend to love another so that I could…That's the question I don't know if there is an answer to.
Why? When Perdicas first reappeared in our lives did I say to Xena I would not marry him. Then, watching him place his sword on the ground, did I say yes I would?
My indecision cost Perdicas his life. He'd been planning on laying down his sword. He was to become the farmer he always should have been.
In my heart, I know he and my family would have been in great danger just by being associated with me. I'm always shocked that more didn't attempt to go after Cyrene. She was one of Xena's weaknesses.
I have to pause for a moment. I hear cursing coming from our bedroom. I think it's time I take a moment away from these chronicles.
I knew this chapter would be one of the more painful ones to attempt to put into words, but I don't think I was ready for the emotions it has already stirred.
And I haven't even written of Perdicas or the poem I wrote about him. Or the expression on Xena's face when I begged her to teach me, even though she didn't want that light to go out in my eyes or know that I had lost my blood innocence.
It's a day later. I've spent the evening with my soulmate. Normally it's my time to write these chronicles as days are spent helping to run Cyrene's old inn and continue to strengthen Amphipolis and the surrounding villages.
Not from warlords, though there is that element. It's to strengthen them from hard times. Dinars are hard to come by. There has been a drought the past three seasons. So it makes sense to come together.
I smile as last evening was spent in the arms of the woman I love. Of the woman who is like breath. Just being held by her has allowed me to reflect on the past.
Emotions will remain high, but now I can see them more clearly. And maybe I can finally answer the one of the many questions that has haunted me over the many seasons. Why did I marry Perdicas?
THE RETURN OF CALLISTO
As it always seemed, Gabrielle missed a great deal first thing in the morning. Or at night for that matter. Of course, not much seemed to be missed by her soulmate.
Including the most unexpected arrival in their camp. What in the known world was Perdicas doing? He wasn't suicidal. The last they had known he was traveling with Helen. Had something happened to her? To him?
Will she marry him? Gabrielle didn't know what to say. Violet eyes were staring at her. The bard knew she had promised never to leave Xena. But this was a twist she never thought would occur. Not even when she had been uncertain if it was the simple life in a farm village or the man himself that had made her run after Xena.
The best thing was to stall. Gabrielle had to ask what Perdicas had been doing all this time. She could sense Xena hovering. Her soulmate's mood was dark. It was the only way to describe it.
Or was it terrified? Gabrielle had been on the other shoe, in a way, when Marcus had reentered her life. If he had not been a ghost the last time, would Xena have left her?
Gabrielle had to force herself to focus on Perdicas' words. War. Killing. The final straw was three men. Though in the heat of battle, the farmer had begun having nightmares. It was something the bard could only slightly imagine.
When Perdicas described having the dagger at his heart, something snapped inside Gabrielle. It was her face that had kept him from killing himself. Did she have that kind of power?
The bard wasn't naïve. Even though Xena had yet to admit it, Gabrielle knew some of the things the warrior princess did was because of the bard.
But to have this power to help Perdicas from killing himself? And once again, he was asking Gabrielle to be his wife. The immediate answer would be no.
How could Gabrielle marry Perdicas? If nothing else, she had learned at Troy that she didn't even know her former betrothed. Marriage was one way to learn about one another, but there was something more.
Gabrielle had to stall. She needed to speak with Xena. They were soulmates. They had declared their love for one another. They had traveled for how many seasons together. And they had made love.
When finally Gabrielle could speak to Xena about her undecidedness, she could hear the slight tremble when the warrior princess said it was her answer.
Why didn't Gabrielle just tell him? Perdicas deserved the truth, even if it hurt him. But watching him walk, it was like a puppy dog looking for a little attention.
There was no comparison, yet Gabrielle had said there was no one, other than Xena, who the bard had felt comfortable. But that wasn't true. What she felt when she was with Xena made whatever she felt when with Perdicas pale in comparison.
Was Gabrielle worried about Xena? The fact her soulmate made the ultimate sacrifice by saying she was happy just to see Gabrielle happy tore at the bard.
It should have been comforting, but it was the most painful thing Gabrielle had felt, with one exception. Hadn't nearly losing Xena for good taught the bard anything? That she and Xena were meant to be?
Yet, here Gabrielle was feeling angry that she could so easily be dismissed. It was stupid. Deep down she knew. But the words somehow had the opposite affect they had intended.
Before Gabrielle could truly process anything, Joxer was running at them. The news he had was not pleasant. And it gave the bard more time to put off the inevitable. Which was telling Perdicas she could never love him the way she loved Xena.
Another battle. Callisto already had an army and was killing innocent people. It meant Gabrielle was battling, as was Perdicas. Joxer was doing his usual bumbling, but with what Perdicas was going through, the bard was more concerned with him.
Perdicas was on his knees. He was giving up. He could no longer fight. It was time for him to return to Potidaea. And in that moment, Gabrielle knew she had to go with him.
Just blurting out to Xena she was going to marry Perdicas was the cruelest thing Gabrielle had done. Her soulmate deserved more. And what about the bard? What did she deserve?
Before Gabrielle even knew what was happening, she was standing before a priest. She had committed to the wrong person. Her head was spinning.
It wasn't from the love she felt radiating from Perdicas. It was because of the eyes that were upon her. Gabrielle felt as if something had happened to make her marry Perdicas. It wasn't the love between them. What was it?
There was the kiss. The congratulations. The goofiness Gabrielle could tolerate from Joxer was becoming grating. Especially when she wanted a moment alone with Xena.
Leave it to Xena to finally get Joxer to take the hint. It hurt when Xena said she was happy for her. Gabrielle's words of missing her warrior princess were inadequate.
Even the promise of visits could not stop the wrenching in Gabrielle's heart. It was as if her soul was withering. There was no way the bard would ever be sick of seeing Xena. She would be sick until they were together again.
Gabrielle felt this wave. It was as if this unseen force had touched her. It caused to her truly feel she had fallen in love with Perdicas. Had it been Troy? It seemed so much more recent.
While attempting to concentrate on Xena and the ensuing kiss she felt was certain to take place, Gabrielle thought she heard a familiar laugh. As if a dark force was gaining what they wanted by manipulating the situation.
Time flew and Gabrielle found herself in a bedroom. It was beautiful. The only thing? It was not one she would share with Xena, but with Perdicas.
Child together? Gabrielle didn't know where these words or feelings were coming from. Though there felt a masking to the love she felt for Perdicas, she continued to accept it as perfectly normal.
That was until the actual honeymoon was to begin. Gabrielle had never been with a man. She didn't know how to say she had made love to Xena.
Gabrielle felt ill. She couldn't go through with this. While there was still something informing her that she should be in love with Perdicas, she could not do this to Xena. She could not cheat on her. Marrying Perdicas had been too much.
Morning. Gabrielle had not been able to sleep. She had nightmares of the time she had nearly had to say goodbye to Xena. In fact, she had said goodbye to her soulmate.
While her expression was light and her words were of love, Gabrielle was attempting to let Perdicas know she was not in love with him. That her heart belonged to Xena. It was their love, not what Perdicas thought they shared, that united everything. That made everything make sense.
That's when the familiar voice nearly curled Gabrielle's long blonde locks. Why had Perdicas placed himself between them? Even without her staff, didn't he realize the bard had learned from the best? That she was a better fighter than Perdicas ever could be?
Once again, Gabrielle felt this coldness about her. It wasn't merely the fact she had watch helplessly as Perdicas had been run through.
It was as if there was an outside force attempting to influence here. No matter. For now, Gabrielle wanted blood for blood. She wanted to see Callisto pay. Whether Xena chose to help her or not, Gabrielle was tracking Callisto at first light.
It was another sleepless night. All Gabrielle wanted to was to meet Callisto face to face. Even though it meant certain death, the bard had to have revenge. Something was bubbling inside her. It was a necessity.
No argument could deter Gabrielle from seeking her revenge. In fact, the bard begged Xena to teach her how to use a sword. She even used the one thing she knew would trigger the warrior princess.
What was this hatred flowing through Gabrielle? It was more than a hatred. It was a lust for killing. A lust for revenge. It was not like her, not even blaming herself for Perdicas' death.
Evening found them close to where Callisto and her army were camped. A cavern. Sheltered from nearly all sides. It was time. Yet Xena wouldn't allow Gabrielle her revenge. It was do it the warrior princess' way or not at all. Who was the bard to argue with The Destroyer of Nations?
Gabrielle came across something she never thought she ever would. Xena was on her knee. She was leaning on a sword. She was praying to whatever god would listen. To help the bard see that killing and revenge wasn't the way. To beg for the light in Gabrielle's eyes to not be extinguished.
The words should have reached Gabrielle. The old bard it would have. But something had changed inside. Or something was changing her.
Instead, Gabrielle only promised Xena what she wanted to hear. It was time to go home. It was time to mourn. It was time to leave Callisto to Xena.
Instead, Gabrielle somehow made it past all the meager defenses Callisto had in place. It was why Xena never allowed for too much mead or wine. It left one vulnerable. It left one slow to react.
Gabrielle found herself with sword raised above her head. She was only mere seconds from plunging the sword deep into Calliso's chest.
Overpowering the darkness Gabrielle had been feeling were her own words. Making Xena promise she would not become a monster. That she would not seek revenge. She heard Perdicas' voice saying how she wasn't a killer. Then it was Xena's voice begging for the light not to go out in her bard's eyes that she couldn't bear.
The sword dropped startling Callisto awake. Gabrielle knew she was dead. There was no way of escaping. A grand gesture would be made of her death with a single captive audience member.
Gabrielle hated herself. She hated herself for giving into these feelings and marrying Perdicas. She hated herself for blindly seeking revenge that would possibly lead to her soulmate's death.
Tied up and ready to be barbecued. Gabrielle couldn't have written a more interesting death scene. There was still hope, even with Xena now tied to the chair Callisto had been strapped to during her entire incarceration.
Once again, in his own bumbling way, Joxer turned the tide. If it wasn't for him arriving and causing Callisto's focus away from Xena, the warrior princess wouldn't have used her many skills to free the chakram from Callisto's hip.
Gabrielle had witnessed everything. Even as the flames were lapping at her skirt, she had been impressed once again by witnessing what came so naturally to her soulmate.
The bard cheered on the warrior princess after having helped to fight the men who were coming around from being drunk. Xena was out for blood. It was the blood Gabrielle had thought she had wanted. Or was it had been forced upon her?
It was as if Gabrielle was coming out of this hate infused daze. It had caused her judgments not to be her own. Once again, she heard what she could only describe as an evil laughter.
It seemed like forever before Gabrielle was reunited with her soulmate. While Callisto's death was for the greater good, the bard sensed the death was taking a heavy toll upon her warrior princess.
What was Gabrielle doing? Yes, she was loving Perdicas. But it wasn't in the manner she loved Xena. It was time for a very serious talk. One that would put to an end ever having in doubt who the bard loved and belonged to.
()()()()()()()()()()()()()
It was a good thing Xena was a light sleeper. It was even better that she could sense friend or foe without seeing one's face. The unexpected, and to be honest unwanted, arrival of Perdicas had her senses fully heightened.
Was this the thing Xena had sensed? Not long ago, as she had held Gabrielle, she had sensed something. It was more than what she had normally sensed, but couldn't predict this.
It was even more unbearable the moment Xena heard he had needed something. It was to see Gabrielle's face. Something stirred inside. It was jealousy. But there was something even more. For once, Xena couldn't place the sensation.
So, Perdicas asked Gabrielle to marry him. Xena wanted to tear him apart. But she knew she had little to say in the matter. Even with Gabrielle's first reaction to be no. Worse, she knew she would have to tell her bard she would do whatever she needed and the only thing that mattered was her happiness.
Before they could further the discussion that was breaking Xena's heart, Joxer came running. He was bearing what could be even worse news than Perdicas asking Gabrielle to marry him. Callisto had escaped. It was a mess Xena had to clean up. Hopefully for the last time and before an innocent was harmed.
War. Innocents being slaughtered. All for revenge in her name. Xena was not having it. There was the usual banter. All the warrior princess wanted to do was run the woman through. She had bigger things to take care of as her soul was on the line.
Callisto wouldn't make it that easy. She never did. Xena would have had the woman where she wanted her when the psycho targeted a child.
There was also Gabrielle to save. That was easy. It was something that comes naturally for Xena. It was something she would spend the rest of her life doing.
As the battle raged on around them, Perdicas stopped what he was doing. Xena couldn't hear what was said so she made her way toward Gabrielle. The answer was yes. The bard was going home, along with Perdicas, and she was to marry him.
There was no actual fighting, but Xena wanted to disembowel the priest and Perdicas. One was doing his job. The other was cutting her soul in half.
As Xena watched the proceedings, something felt familiar. It was as if she could sense a familiar presence. It couldn't be. If a certain someone was around, he would have made his presence known by now.
It wasn't easy congratulating Perdicas, but Xena would do anything to make Gabrielle happy. She would promise to visit so often they would be sick of her.
Gabrielle saying she fell in love with Perdicas at Troy. Xena remembered how different her bard had acted for several moons after that adventure. She had chalked it up to having once been betrothed. Had the normally observant warrior princess been clouded by her own growing feelings for her bard?
The kiss. Xena hadn't exactly meant for it. Or had she? It wasn't playing fair, but then when had the warrior princess ever been known for playing completely fair?
Xena's heart nearly caused her to be ill when she uttered her goodbye to Gabrielle. The warrior princess wasn't certain where to go or what to do. So there was the one thing she was the best at. Hunting.
This time Xena wasn't hunting for fresh game. That would be up to Perdicas from now on. No, she would be hunting down one person.
Theodorus was the perfect man to track. He had obvious feelings for Callisto and would do anything for the madwoman. The fact he had no idea where Callisto was chilled Xena's heart. Especially when she was informed Gabrielle was no longer traveling with the warrior princess.
Timing was everything. Xena seemed a step too slow. Callisto somehow got the better of her. She had longed for it to be Gabrielle she ran through, but having taken the life of someone that meant something to the warrior princess would have to suffice.
Just like that, Callisto was gone. Gabrielle had been left holding Perdicas' lifeless body in her lap. Xena knew it was one of the greatest atrocities her bard had ever experienced, but for her to say it was the last one was terrifying.
How far would Gabrielle go to seek revenge? Could Xena find the words to make her bard see that revenge was not the answer. Especially for someone who lacked the fighting skills?
Gabrielle, in a way, was right. She had her entire life to mourn. How could Xena, with all the anger and blame her bard was feeling, make Gabrielle see it was what had happened to the warrior princess.
Xena had never taken the time to mourn. Her town had been destroyed. Her brother had been lost fighting for the greater good. Her mother had slapped her and her other brother had run off. Then she had met Caesar and things had spiraled out of control.
Every argument Xena attempted to make, Gabrielle shot down. There was no way she could have foreseen she would be teaching the bard how to fight with a sword. Not just to fight, but to kill.
As they continued the lesson, Xena could sense something. It was that familiar sensation. It was a sensation that would overcome her directly before battle. Yet, she still couldn't sense what she thought had been behind it all these years.
Xena had needed the break. Now that she had discovered where Callisto and her army was hiding, she needed to discover any weaknesses. It gave her time away from the bard. And hopefully to rein in her own growing battle fever.
Gabrielle was angry. The frightening thing was Xena remembered the anger. It wasn't unlike so long ago when she had faced different paths and chosen the wrong one.
Taking a moment, once again, Xena did something she had never done. While she knew the gods existed, she had never prayed to them. She had never sacrificed or offered gifts to them.
To protect Gabrielle from her own hatred and need for revenge, Xena was willing to make a deal with anyone. She only prayed the light would not go out from Gabrielle's eyes. If Xena were left in complete darkness, she wasn't certain what she would do.
As if the gods themselves had changed Gabrielle's mind, Xena was grateful when her bard told her she needed to mourn and was heading home. It was where Gabrielle needed to be.
One last warning, Xena had to attempt to make certain a bumbling warrior remained as far away from Callisto as possible. But that she knew his heart was golden, as always.
Xena's welcome was not what she had planned or expected. Her bard was tied up and ready to be roasted. She had no choice but to sit and wait. For what, she was uncertain of.
Joxer. The bumbling man with a golden heart. It was amazing how being so inept actually came in handy. Like keeping Callisto distracted so that she could free her charkam and free herself.
Gabrielle was the first person she freed after fighting. Seeing the bard with a staff in hand, Xena concentrated on Callisto. Soon, the chase was on.
Chariots. They weren't Xena's favorite form of transportation, but being a former warlord had seen her perfect nearly everything a warrior would ever come across.
Luck was on Xena's side as she was dragged behind Callisto's chariot. Luck was not on either side as they both wound up in quicksand.
As seemed per usual, Xena managed to do the impossible. In this case, she freed her hand and then chakram. It embedded in the conveniently placed log, her whip gaining her complete freedom from the quicksand.
Only moments to act. Xena was playing judge and executor. Who was she to do that? The fact Callisto had killed Perdicas which harmed Gabrielle emotionally had been out to kill the bard was the deciding factor.
After all, Amphipolis could be razed to the ground. Cyrene would be in the greatest danger she had ever known. And anyone else known to the warrior princess.
Even with all these thoughts, it was not easy to watch Callisto sink. To hear her pleas for help. After all, Xena was her creator. She should be the one to die.
After making it to the bard and wannabe warrior, Xena was exhausted. Luckily Joxer's wound was superficial and he was leaving once again. It meant she could focus on her bard.
Jealousy. When Gabrielle informed her she was loving Perdicas, she was so jealous she could barely move and comfort her bard. Yet, it was what she would do. Anything and everything, just to see Gabrielle smile. To make her happy.
()()()()()()()()()()()()()
Even though Xena had wanted to distance them from Potidaea and where Perdicas had lost his life, she knew Gabrielle wanted to be held. More so, she needed to be held. Or was it the warrior princess who needed to be held?
Night would come fast as the days were growing shorter. It was another excuse Xena could use. The fact there was a spring she knew of that many used as a resting place when traveling between Potidaea and Amphipolis, it was perfect.
Gabrielle had readily agreed they needed time to heal. What would be the perfect place than Amphipolis once again. Xena was craving her mother's hugs, something the warrior never thought she would even think.
"We're about a day and a half from Amphipolis. There's a place just over the ridge. We can stay the night. Maybe two." Xena felt as if she was walking on eggshells. She was afraid she had not said or done the right things.
The bard had been walking. There had been a part of her that wanted to wrap her arms around Xena from behind. But she had not thought she deserved it. Not yet, anyways.
After all, if Gabrielle had just said no to Perdicas and asked him to take a note home so that her family and friends knew she was all right, this might not have happened.
If they were to play the blame game, Gabrielle was no longer naïve. She knew Xena would take her more than fair share in that arena. The warrior princess always would.
"I can't wait to see Cyrene again. But maybe a couple nights here would be for the best." Gabrielle's pace quickened ever so slightly. She wasn't looking forward to cooking or eating, but she was ready to be with her soulmate.
"I'm sure Mom will be more than happy to see us both." Xena had a feeling Cyrene would welcome them in more than a heartbeat. In fact, she would probably attempt to convince her daughter to settle in Amphipolis.
There was steam rising from the spring informing Xena the water was warmer than the temperatures already. "Looks like we can have a warm bath before settling for the night."
The remaining distance was eaten up in silence. Both had so much they wanted to say, yet neither could find the words they wanted to say.
The routine of camp began. It wasn't a normal campsite. Not only was there the hot spring, there was also an overlook at the bottom of a steep cliff. It would be perfect shelter with a fire ring already in place.
Neither felt like cooking and eating. Luckily, Gabrielle had restocked their supplies. It would be bread, cheese and smoked venison.
After attempting to eat, both decided it was time to relax as best they could in the hot spring. Gabrielle retrieved the soap while Xena retrieved the towels.
After adjusting to the temperature of the hot spring, Gabrielle set about washing herself. Finally, the words slowly were coming to her.
"Xena, I have to apologize." Gabrielle, though washing her hair, made certain she was looking her soulmate in the eyes. "My first instinct was to say no to Perdicas. Something made me say yes. I don't know if I was feeling sorry for him or what. I just can't explain it."
Xena took a deep breath before dunking fully under the water. She allowed the warm water to clear the soap from her hair before she managed to look into emerald eyes.
"I didn't know how to tell you, no beg you, not to marry Perdicas." Xena swallowed. "I was partially truthful when I said I just wanted to see you happy. But seeing you exchange vows and the thought of you and Perdicas together nearly killed me."
Gabrielle didn't hesitate in closing the distance. She didn't care that some of the soap was making it into her eyes. It seemed Xena did as the warrior princess made certain to take clean cloth and rinse emerald eyes.
Once Gabrielle could focus again, she sought out azure eyes. "I don't ever want to leave you again. I don't want you to leave me. I understand at times we will be apart, it's life. But I want my path to run the same way yours does."
Xena swallowed. "I have to ask. What about Perdicas? I know you said you aren't certain why you said yes. But before we headed out, you said you were loving him."
A sad smile was upon the bard's face. "I realized as I cradled his head in my lap. I loved him. He was always there for me. He was always watching out for me while we were growing up. But I'm not that little girl. I can take care of myself. And I have someone to take care of me."
Gabrielle swallowed. "I think I loved him, and do love him, like a best friend. And…" At the thought of her confession, the bard blushed a sweet crimson.
Xena was afraid she had said or done something wrong for this reaction. What could have caused the bard to blush so? They had been speaking of Peridcas…It dawned on the warrior princess who managed to maintain her stoic façade.
"I just want you to know that I couldn't go through with the wedding night tradition." Gabrielle hoped more than words could say that Xena would not make her say the words.
"I'm glad." Xena slowly dunked her bard under water. She hastily ran her fingers through blonde locks to remove the soap that had remained. Once Gabrielle had recovered, she pulled her bard against her. "Not to sound possessive, but I want me to be the only one to be with you in that way. I wish it could have been both ways."
A comfortable silence settled over the couple. There was one more subject Xena had to broach. "There is one thing more. This has to do with Callisto."
Gabrielle pulled back so she could see the pain in crimson eyes. "I want to say I did everything to save her." Xena knew of anyone, her bard would understand. "But I didn't even try. I just remained frozen as she begged for me to save her. All I could think of was you, Mom and anyone else she would target."
The bard held her soulmate tight to her. Under normal circumstances, even out in the open, the embrace would have led to so much more. "Look what happened the last time. We thought remaining in prison would be good enough. No prison can contain her. And she would have spent the rest of her life attempting to make you feel the way she has felt. Whether it was conscious or subconscious, I think you did the right thing."
There were now warm salty tears joining the warm water. Soon, they would have to leave this cocoon of warmth. But they would have the cocoon of holding one another as the embers of another campfire slowly died.
One thing they were both certain of, there was no other for either. They were true soulmates. Both wished they'd said and done things differently, if so only Perdicas had been saved. Yet, sometimes in life, no matter what one does, their lives would lead to the same place. And that was in each other's arms.