The moment those three words reached his ears, his mind tried to shut down and pushed everything away.

He was still denying it, even when it was futile. He himself wouldn't accept it, as if reality could have lied.

When a secret was kept in silence for long enough, the moment it came out to the light of judgement, its keeper trembled in fear of what he didn't know, of what he didn't do, of whom he didn't let to know. Had he failed his duty to hide it away, or was he a failure for he had hidden it in the first place? Could there be a different outcome or was it destined to happen. His mouth was dried and so couldn't voice it out, but to be read directly face to face and his body gave in to the growing terror.

It sounded foreign for his secret to be spoken about from another lip, one that was not his own. Quite extraneous and, in his mind, still impossible.

And so, his brain did what a human would, in the case one would be denied of what one wholly believed. To shut down and deny them all, to deny them back, to deny such a possibility, to drown away reality by its own fantasy.

But at last, Natsuki Subaru could never run away from any of his problems. For better or worse. But better or worse, pain he still felt, and pain he continued to suffer from.

"Subaru, Subaru. Are you ok?"

Another sound was picked by his ears. And although he wanted nothing more than to crawl away, badly, back to the fortress within his own mind. Subconsciously, he knew, or rather understood that if another question was left unanswered, bad things would happen, and worse things still awaited.

"Y-yes Emilia?"

He forced a smile, instinctively, for he himself had learnt that it mattered not, not anymore.

"Are you alright?"

Her voice was filled with concern, love also, but he wouldn't know, not in this state.

"Y-yes, I'm fine … w-why would you ask?"

He was faking it, it was obvious, even to Emilia, no, especially to Emilia. She who swore for the rest of her life to free him from his sufferings and to feel his pain as her own, his actions, his insincerity, they hurt her more than any blades could have. And she couldn't help but feel disappointed, not at him for he had every right to do what he did for every time she failed him, but at herself for all she had done, for all she had yet to do, for all she couldn't possibly do.

But the disappointment reflected from her eyes when viewed by him, meant nothing more than another failure of his. And for that he cursed himself even more.

"We, we have already learnt it, I suppose. You don't have to hide it anymore, in fact."

Words from once a proud spirit, shivered and weakened from the knowledge of every time she had left him to die alone. She thought she knew more, but she didn't, and it scared her. They promised to be together for a long long time, and because of her inability, that promise was broken, many many times. She could lie to herself, that he was still here, still alive and well; that every time he released one last breath it wasn't all her fault that it happened; but she couldn't, she was smarter than that, she could have, but not now, not anymore.

A single sight could change the life of a person. An entire viewing of how disgusting this world was and how everything once thought as the absolute truth was shattered and turned, round and round, up and down, as if it was mocking them; and they knew that they had known nothing at all. And it changed them, for better or worse.

"L-learn what?"

"Your secret."

"…"

"Your ability."

"…"

"Return by dea-"

"SHUT UP!"

Lost as he was, inside his own world of the mind. Shutting down he tried, running away he attempted. One single truth he still remembered: bad things happened when those three words were spoken.

"D-don't say it …"

"Subaru, please …"

"No, no, no you don't understand!"

"I-it's ok, please, it will be ok."

"It's not! It never did!"

"Looks Barusu, listen."

"SHUT UP! All of you, please, don't …"

"You have to listen, in fact!"

"…"

He turned away, unable to answer.

"C-captain …"

"…"

He turned further, afraid to face them.

"Natsuki-san, please."

"…"

Silence, he kept, as he turned more and more, further and further away.

"Subaru-kun …"

"J-just don't, please, b-bad things happened, you know …"

"No, I understand."

'I understand', two words he dreamt of hearing for so long. But when something good happened for no reason, one couldn't help but doubt it's integrity. And for someone who truly believed that he deserved no goodness at all, good things were merely a disguise. A carefully laid trap to lower his guard. Another evil scheme, another deadly enemy, another dreadful loop.

'She understands … but how could she …'

How could anyone, when he himself didn't. Not then, not now, and there was no reason to hope that he would. Hope brought despair after all.

Then again, she understood, but understood what? Pain? Everyone felt some forms of pain every moment of their lives, he was not special. The only different might be the amount, but could pain even be measured? Suffering wasn't a competition after all. Was it dying? But again, could one even understand it? He didn't, and he had died more times than most people. What was it that she understood? He, not once could tell.

"Subaru, you lied to us."

He did, and he regretted. But she wouldn't understand, would she? No, she couldn't, that what he decided, that what everything happened had led him to believe.

He was untruthful, that he acknowledged. But to be told so, to be told by her, he dreaded that memory, he dreaded most of his memories but that one time, he scared even himself.

He felt like he was about to cry, but he didn't, but what if he had, tears leaked out of his eyes so much that his soul ran dry, his screams turned hollow, and nothing made any sense anymore.

One thing did: she hated him now.

For lying to her, for failing her so many times.

And as he waited for the judgmental words that never arrived, for she understood.

"But, I understand why. Subaru, don't worry, we knew it, we knew it all. And nothing now could stop you from telling us all what you had hidden for so long, not even her. So please do tell us Subaru, please tell us about your secret, your ability. So that we could help you, so that you would never Return by death anymore."

That moment something crumbled within him, something he had held back for so long had been released, and it wasn't just tears.

He felt relieved, he felt so light. One's mind could only deny the reality surrounding itself for so long, for so much after all. And it could not do a damn thing about a truth, so undeniably true, so irresistibly desired.

And so, he cried, he cried so much. He kept saying it, those three words that were kept within him for so long. Like a child, finally forgiven by their favorite person. Like a sinner finally earned their redemption.

He continued to cry, and they started crying with him.

But then they smiled, but he was still crying.

Crying his heart out, crying till his mind collapsed.

But he continued.

They were worried.

And then, he stopped.

They could not feel relieved.

For he started laughing, laughing for so long, laughing so insane.

They begged him to stop.

Still, he continued.

A happy ending, they dreamt of. Could not be reached so easily.

And as he kept on laughing, they finally realized.

That laugh of terror.

The emptiness in his eyes.

Subaru, their friend, their hero.

He hated himself.

Btw, this chapter took so long because my compute literally broke down, I couldn't do shit on it. That and I had 3 super duper important tests in a row. I curse the one who made me do them almost all at once.

And for that one guy who keeps threatening to kidnap my brother if I don't continue

Chapter 5 is inevitable, for I'm having fun.