The Chronicles of Xena & Gabrielle Chapter 36, a xena: warrior princess fanfic

I don't know how much I can write as a prologue to this particular…adventure. Adventure isn't the word for it. It's my greatest nightmare coming to fruition.

Sadly, it wasn't the first time I'd thought Xena had been taken from me. This time would have been permanent if not for my warrior princess' knowledge of just about everything. And it wouldn't be the last time I lost Xena.

At least this adventure ended with us reunited. And even though we had already become more than friends, it was amazing having Xena taking care of me. There's no sensation like having the one you loved actual inside you.

Leave it to Xena to snort when she reads the last line. I know it's to alleviate the heartache this particular adventure drudges up. And I love her more for it.

The one good thing about this adventure is I learned so much about Xena's past she sparingly shared with me. I'd always thought it was Cortese who had created her.

While Cortese had planted the seeds, if not for Caesar, Xena would not have become the coldblooded killer she had become. While power would have seduced her, killing for revenge and turning off all emotions were all do to the Roman.

There will be parts of this tale that I will either have Xena write or I'll write as she relates her version. Either way, I'll most likely have to put my own touch on it.

I'm wrapped in my soulmate. It's a blanket to my aching soul. I need a break already. I need to feel the arms of the woman I love around me.

DESTINY

Once again, the beauty that surrounded Gabrielle was all she could see. She knew this place was a nightmare for Xena, but couldn't truly understand how it affected her soulmate.

Even listening to Xena describe it as the ugliest place on earth, Gabrielle could not see what her soulmate saw. The traces of tragedy had long ago disappeared. But it didn't mean it had disappeared from the warrior princess' heart.

This was a dangerous mission. Perhaps one of the most dangerous they would undertake. Understanding one's self was the scariest and the most prominent thing a person could do.

Xena wanted to know why it happened. Why she had been the way she had. But the most important thing was how she could atone for her past mistakes.

Gabrielle watched as the emotions played out with each why that was asked. The only thing the bard could do was once again tell Xena she had changed. She wasn't the warlord who had done those things.

Her warrior princess couldn't believe she was like the land. There was now beauty surrounding them. There was beauty inside Xena's heart. Gabrielle had seen it. She had felt it.

The bard watched as Xena made her way into the valley. A sound caught Gabrielle's attention. She had been so caught up in watching her soulmate, she had heard it too late.

Once again, Gabrielle found herself in trouble. She was tied, along with several others, to a long stick. She had never seen her captors before. She wished she had paid attention more to her surroundings.

Luckily, Xena had her knack of perfect timing. Her warrior princess arrived just in time to free them. Her staff was in her hands and she was either battling those that had captured them or was getting the others to safety.

After a few moments of running, Gabrielle heard Xena calling for her. They only stopped long enough for the warrior princess to join them.

Then, the unthinkable happened. Gabrielle couldn't get to Xena in time. The warrior princess had pushed the girl who had remained to watch her fight out of the way. The large log hit Xena and she was hurtled into a tree.

Gabrielle had to force herself not to panic. Xena couldn't even communicate with her. There were whispered words. It was impossible to understand.

There was so much blood. Gabrielle couldn't even tell where it was all coming from. Finally, Xena's words became clearer.

Girl? The one with the captives? The others were gone. If she was the one that could save Xena, they had a major problem.

An even bigger problem was Xena's request, especially since the bard was injured. Mount Nestus? Gabrielle had heard of it. She wasn't certain exactly where it was. She knew it was very far. Too far to travel with a warrior princess as injured as she was.

It was Xena's request. Gabrielle could deny her warrior nothing. Especially when she was severely injured. It took too long to make a litter so that Argo could transport her warrior princess.

Traveling without Xena to guide her was difficult enough. The fact her soulmate was barely coherent a majority of the time was causing Gabrielle to ache to her very soul.

Guidance. Gabrielle desperately needed guidance. Xena was lucky to utter a word here and there. At least she was able to give her a direction to wherever it was she needed to go.

As the temperatures dropped, Gabrielle's soul was dropping. The optimism she normal had was nearly gone. How much longer could she continue to fight she was uncertain.

Gabrielle needed to rest. The cave gave them some shelter. The fire barely even touched the frigid temperatures. The bard attempted to comfort Xena. Her warrior princess was somewhere else. She was in so much discomfort. It wasn't merely the physical. It was the mental anguish.

How long had Gabrielle been traveling? Argo had been amazing pulling Xena along. Of course the horse and warrior princess shared a bound so she would do whatever she could for her master.

Finally, Gabrielle collapsed against the door. She begged the man inside to help them. Internal bleeding? The bard knew that was not a good thing.

It was nearly the end for Gabrielle as she heard Xena begging Nicklio to not treat her. And when he turned to the bard to treat her, the fear of a promise being broken was becoming quite real.

Nicklio could treat Gabrielle but not Xena? It was slowly penetrating the bard's brain. Her soulmate was slipping from her grasp.

Let her pass over? There was no way Gabrielle could let Xena go. Even if she were to die, her soulmate would forever reside in her soul. But how could she go on without her warrior princess?

Xena- I know you can hear me- wherever you are. I know you always told me to be strong. I can't be- not now. You can't leave me. I know it's not your time. I can feel it in my heart. I feel this emptiness that I've never known before, and it scares me. Xena- above all- just remember your destiny. Remember it and fight. Just, fight to come back. This world needs you. I need you.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()

Cirra. It witnessed one of Xena's most tragic events. It had begun as any of her raids. It had turned into something that would forever haunt the warrior princess.

Ugly wasn't necessarily how the land was. It was how Xena saw herself. How could she ever make up for the heinousness that took place here?

Punishing? If only it was that easy. Xena would gladly accept whatever punishment. Her internal punishment wasn't enough. She had to find a way to atone. Only when she understood what happened could that even be slightly possible.

Watching from the hill wasn't enough. The warrior princess had to be where she had been when the atrocity had taken place. Voices. Flames. One in particular struck out at her soul.

It was too much. Xena could not handle the mental assault. She had to distance herself, at least physically. She pushed Argo back to her safety. Back to her salve.

But Gabrielle wasn't there. Xena was in near panic. After the images that had assaulted her, she needed her bard. Her staff and scrolls were on the ground. Argo helped her retrieve the staff as her instincts told her which way her bard was.

A tribe Xena hadn't come across before had captured Gabrielle and numerous others. They were praying to a god. As the warrior princess said, she had nothing but bad news for them. Especially since they took her soulmate.

Xena managed to free Gabrielle and the others. The bard now had her staff. She didn't even have to tell her bard to escape and to take the others with her.

After disposing of the tribesman, Xena managed to catch up to Gabrielle and the others. She told them to keep running. There was one more tribesman the warrior princess had missed. It became costly.

It was instinct. Xena shoved the girl to safety as she saw the log taking aim for her. She wasn't certain why she couldn't move out of the way after making certain the girl was safe. All she knew was the severe pain she instantly felt.

The moment Xena landed against the tree it was as if she were transported in time. She could barely tell Gabrielle she needed to be taken to see Nicklio. Her mind faded until it was in another place, another time.

It was as if Xena were watching pictures of her past flow by. She saw herself. It was shortly after Cortese had attacked Amphipolis. She had taken to the sea to help protect her home village and unite the surrounding villages.

Xena had forgotten how much she loved the sea. She had forgotten how much she had loved the power and money that came with protecting her home village.

Her words had sounded as if she was only doing what anyone would do for their home village. Her younger self could not see what she was doing. Or realize how despicable the men were that she surrounded herself with.

Young Xena was wiser than most in her army. The man was a pig who was treating the man wearing clothes a nobleman would wear.

When the man had said to ask for so much, Xena knew there was more to the man. If only the young warrior knew what meeting Julius Caesar would mean for her future, she would have left him to die. To Tartarus with the dinars.

Even back then, Caesar was convinced he was fated to rule the world. Xena wished she'd realized just how dangerous he was.

Back then, Xena was only concerned with one thing. Power. Yes, dinars helped with power, but to have the ability to rule the world. To make your own way without answering to others. That's what she craved. That's what Caesar was offering her.

Momentarily, Xena was brought back to the present. Gabrielle needed her. Her bard needed guidance. It wasn't merely which direction to go. And the warrior princess knew she had to fight to remain with her soulmate.

M'Lila. If only young Xena had seen beyond the power she thought learning the pinch could give her. She was another who had so much to teach her. She was one who could have given the young warrior the direction she needed.

Instead, young Xena only saw what she could gain from the young woman. There was also what Caesar warned her of. If he thought she was dangerous, then perhaps she was. And that meant M'Lila could teach her so much.

Looking back, Caesar definitely had an interesting way of looking at destiny. Blood, souls, desires and will all combining to form our destiny. He had been convinced he'd conquer the world. And he would have if not for Xena intervening.

Caesar's talk earned him more than just dinner at young Xena's table. There was one thing her youthful self had always counted upon. That was her body could bring her nearly anything. And that's what she did. She had seduced them forever intertwining their lives.

The first time experiencing the pinch was beyond words. The first time watching as another experienced the pinch was something altogether different.

The power of taking a life by sword or knife was one thing. But to know you were the one who cut off the lifeforce. To watch the blood drip down their nose. To watch their eyes as the fear of losing what most treasure the most was intoxicating.

Seduction was a lot like taking a life. One person had the power. It could end in two ways. One, you could spare the life or in the case of seduction could give them pleasure beyond belief. Two, you could end the life and savor every second or you could bring the person to the brink of pleasure only to deny them their release. Either way, it was beyond words how addictive it can become.

One of the many things young Xena had failed to realize was the art of seduction wasn't merely about the flesh. Caesar had seduced her by appearing to truly care about her. When he asked those questions and sounded impressed, it was only to lure her in. Which he did.

Offering to work together really had no payoff for Caesar. Agreeing to work together did. Young Xena couldn't see it as she was blinded by power and a person who promised it in spades.

Caesar had known he had Xena the moment she was disappointed after counting the dinars. She had hoped for him to take her with him. But it was all a setup.

When Caesar had returned, young Xena had thought it was because she was irresistible. She thought it was because he needed her to achieve his destiny.

Young Xena never saw how Caesar had used her until it was too late. It wasn't until she was tied to the cross that she realized how she had been duped by the Roman. Add insult to injury, he left her with a major parting gift. Her legs had been broken. As had her soul.

One thing young Xena heard just before her legs were broken, divide and conquer. It would serve her a great deal in the seasons to come and when dealing with Caesar once again.

The sensation of her legs again being broken brought Xena to the present once again. She was only partially aware of her what was happening. She only knew she felt love beyond words.

Waiting to die the way Caesar had intended was pure torture. Young Xena wanted to die. She had been used and abused and was a fool.

Imagine young Xena's surprise when her friend from the boat came to save her. M'Lila was something special. If only her youthful self could have seen what M'Lila had been attempting to do. It would have been a turning point. So many turning points missed because of hate, anger and the need for revenge.

When young Xena found herself at a healers, there was a part of her that wanted to tell him to not bother. Just allow her to die. There were very few that would even notice she was gone.

But M'Lila insisted she needed to live. Young Xena couldn't understand her own destiny. It wasn't to kill. It was to help those that needed it.

If M'Lila hadn't given her own life for Xena, the warrior princess' destiny might have been different. She might have reached her potential before.

As Xena hovered between the past and the present, she became confused. In the past, she wished she had died. Partly it was the pain. Mostly it was because she was of no use to anyone. In the present, Gabrielle needed her desperately. She had to fight with every fiber of her being to be with her bard.

And then it happened in the past. Young Xena had just began to heal. She was being told it wasn't her time to die. Yet when she saw the arrow protrude out of her young friend, something died inside of her.

Anything that was good died. Anything that could sympathize had died. All that left was darkness and the need for revenge and to rule the world.

In the present, her mind became confused. Xena felt herself letting go. It would be better if her evil self died. And so, the warrior princess let go.

As Xena floated in Tartarus, M'Lila appeared to her. Once again, wisdom was being imparted on her. Now that Xena knew evil, she was better equipped to fight. Fight for more than the greater good.

The thoughts of the living could be heard by the dead. Xena listened intently. It was one voice that she heard. It was one life she chose to focus on.

How could Xena have done it? How could she have left the other half of her soul behind to fend for herself? She had to go back. One way or another Xena had to find her way back to her bard.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()

Gabrielle sat in Nicklio's hut for the longest of moments not wanting to accept Xena had left her. She had spoken from her heart begging for her soulmate to return to her.

Xena had made a promise to Gabrielle. She would always return to her. They were forever. How could she possibly die on her now?

There was the question of what Gabrielle did now. She had to trek down the mountain. She would have Argo to assist her, but she would be alone otherwise. Even with her soulmate forever in her heart, she would be alone.

The bard was now thinking of those what ifs. What if she and Xena had only one more night together? What if they had known their time together had been so short?

Gabrielle knew what she had to do. Eventually, she had to pull herself together enough to travel. She knew Xena wanted to be buried with her brother in Amphipolis. The travel would be arduous, but she had to do it for her soulmate.

There would be a plus if Gabrielle were to take Xena back to Amphipolis. She could spend time with Cyrene. It was one of her biggest regrets not getting to know her soulmate's mother better. After all, it was Cyrene that had helped her recover after her near death experience.

Remembering Cyrene helped Gabrielle. The innkeeper had guessed their relationship had elevated. While they hadn't physically consummated their relationship at that point, there was no denying their unending love for one another.

If only Gabrielle had had a mother like Cyrene. Not that she didn't love her own mother. It was just Cyrene had realized that she and Xena were destined to travel together.

Another reason to spend time with Cyrene would be so they could remember together. She wondered if the innkeeper would share memories Xena had never shared with her.

It took all of Gabrielle's strength to make it off the mountain. She wasn't in a rush to make it off the mountain as she had been to make it up.

One thing Gabrielle would forever be grateful to Nicklio was the fact he had insisted making the sarcophagus Argo was dragging behind her.

Gabrielle had to stop. She was nearing the bottom. Her emotions were overwhelming her. Once again, she found herself speaking to Xena as if she were on Argo and the bard was walking beside her.

"I knew when we began traveling together one or both of us could die at any time." Gabrielle choked she was sobbing so hard. "I was just hoping it wouldn't be for a very long time."

It took forever for the bard to catch her breath. "I think right now what's hurting the most is you promised. Just after we left Salmoneus, you promised me you wouldn't leave me."

Gabrielle chuckled almost to the point of hysterics. "I know its silly to blame you for not keeping your promise. You were doing what comes naturally. You were protecting an innocent."

The bard reflected for a moment. "In fact, that young girl was a lot like me when we first began traveling together. She had the hero worshiping going on. She didn't mean to get in the way. I can't be mad at her. Like I said, that was me not that long ago."

"I hope the girl is all right. I don't mean just physically. I know the guilt associated with getting someone hurt." Emerald eyes were red and hurt from so much crying.

"We both do. It's even worse when it's the one you love." Gabrielle remembered the poison dart Callisto had used and the results.

"I thought I'd grieved when Callisto had hurt you. But it's nothing like this." Gabrielle swallowed some water. Her throat was raw as if she had been sick for a week.

Gabrielle knew it was from crying. Or attempting not to cry. "I guess it's because I had something to do. I had to finish what you started."

"Now, the only thing I have to do is to bring you home and tell everyone you are…" Gabrielle couldn't bring herself to say the word. Not yet, anyways.

The bard found herself at the base of the mountain. She needed to rest, yet she wanted to make it to Amphipolis. "I'm going to make camp. I'll hide your…" Another word Gabrielle wasn't ready to utter.

Gabrielle allowed Argo her freedom. She noticed, unlike when Xena was around, the horse didn't wander. She remained watching where the bard had hidden the sarcophagus.

Under the stars. How many nights had she and Xena laid beneath the stars? They had attempted to find shapes in them. They would argue over them. They would hold hands as they stared up at the night sky.

No more. The stars held no wonder for Gabrielle. Nothing held anything for the bard. Her scrolls were there. She could write the final story of the warrior princess.

Gabrielle shook her head. It was too soon. She didn't know if she would even be able to write in her diary about the events of the past week or so.

Exhaustion. It was threatening to overtake Gabrielle. But she wouldn't allow it. Not until she spoke with Xena a little bit more. It was all she had left speaking to her warrior princess.

The bard rolled over and reached blindly for something. When Gabrielle felt the cool metal in her hand, she lost control of her tears once again.

"I'll never let this go. To me, it's a symbol of you." Gabrielle held the chakram to her chest. How many times had she witnessed the round disc flying as if it was controlled by Xena's mind?

The thought of Xena's sword and leathers were another item she would treasure forever. Not knowing what she would do after returning to Amphipolis, Gabrielle wondered where to store the treasured items.

"You're gone and all I can think of is holding onto what little I have left of you." Gabrielle shook her head. "I know you'll forever be in my heart and soul. But I'll never hold you again. I can't…"

Gabrielle fell into a restless sleep. She dreamed she was being held by her soulmate. More than that, she dreamed Xena was making love to her.

The emotions overwhelmed the sleeping bard. The touch, scents and tastes were familiar. But she knew she would never have them again. Her heart ached. She knew. If she lived long, she would only go through the motions. Until they were one day reunited. She didn't care if it was in The Elysian Fields or Tartarus, as long as they were together.