(a/n: meow. TW ahead: suicidal thoughts, references to suicide, and near actions. It's right here in this first part, so, I'll add an *asterisk* line where it begins and stops. Sorry if that disturbs or offends anyone, i'm just trying to express my own feelings thru writing.)
Lilija spent much of that morning laying in bed, crying. All the stress, emotions, and frustration over the last few days came spilling out via her facial orifices. Thoughts raced through her head at a million miles an hour, each one more overwhelming than the last;
Is Jake ok? Does he even know I'm missing yet? Will I ever get home to him? Are the cats okay? Does mom think I killed myself like Micah? How did I even fucking get here? Tangentially, she then thought, this is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife. She snorted through her tears and mucus.
She missed music. Every day she would listen to hours of it while driving. Had to do 4 hours of it every day for the school routes. The past few days have been eerily silent, without any of the usual noise to distract her. Be it music, car noise, the computer humming, Lilija usually had some sort of white noise in the background of her previous life.
Now, all she had was silence.
She laid in bed for what seemed to be hours, staring at the ceiling. I miss Jake. The dark corners of the room played at the edges of her vision, blurred as they were by tears. The longer she stared at the ceiling, the blurrier her vision became, the shadows rioting in her peripherals. Her mind swirled like a raging hurricane, the darkest thoughts she wished she could bury forever dredging up and resurfacing, wondering if it was easier to just give up and hope death led her home, if she should maybe find some rope, her sword was sharp, she could use that, maybe she could
Lilija found herself standing at the window again, without a smoke this time. Her torso was already halfways out the window, and she looked down and nearly vomited. It wasn't a long fall but, fuck, she hated heights. Swallowing the bile rising in her throat, she pulled herself back into the room, blinking tears from her eyes and wiping them away with minimal success. She sat down with a thump, resting her head upon the roughly hewn windowsill. In a desperate bid to give her mind something to think about, she inspected the wood.
The top of the wood was worn smooth from years of hands touching it, but the underside still held a decent angle on it. The grain was nothing special, it looked like some sort of tighter grained hardwood. Lilija wondered for a while how many new species of tree there were on Nirn, and if they made maple syrup anywhere. She missed her family. Lilija just got maple syrup from Dad last week but never made pancakes. Lilija laughed as she started crying again, over pancakes and maple syrup.
It took a while for Lilija to stop her facial leakage, but her whole mental breakdown didn't last nearly as long as her skewed perception of time told her. A glance at the sun's position in the sky told her it was around 11 or so. After wiping her face, Lilija set about the task of making herself presentable.
There was an egregious amount of effort put forth to tame her nest of bright red curls into something resembling a braid hanging halfways to her waist, thick as a rope, then get dressed in that awfully itchy green dress that Sigrid had given her; not that she wasn't grateful, but the fact that she was slightly allergic to wool and it was very itchy without a proper underdress. She'd wear her modern clothes if they weren't so dirty. And if she didn't care about people seeing her wash them. But Lilija was reluctant to let the general populace know she was from a different realm, what with Thalmor literally everywhere in Skyrim. She was starting to sound like Delphine now, the crazy bitch.
Eyes puffy, nose red and worn raw, she descended the stairs for a brunch of baked potatoes and grilled chicken with some weak, watered down wine. Whoever it was in the kitchen could make a mighty stew but their skills in cooking meat on its own were very lacking. At the end of her meal, she looked towards the front entrance to observe someone entering, then looked back down at her empty plate that was not empty any more what the fuck.
Laying innocuously on her plate was a small wedge of cheese. It was a good soft cheese too, ripened well, the inside looking almost plastic putty-like in texture, the outside rind nice and white, like a brie. Lilija looked up, alarmed, glancing nervously about the room. Who put this cheese on her plate? Would she be stealing if she ate it? Did she just not notice it on her plate beforehand? Questions along this line jumbled through her thoughts as she turned her gaze back down at the piece of cheese. Just sitting there like it fuckin' owned the place. She narrowed her eyes suspiciously at the cheese.
Lilija left the establishment chewing contentedly on her magical appearing cheese. Tasted nearly as good as Blythedale farm's. Lilija briefly wished the farm never closed down.
She figured she should at least explore the expanded city, since there were so many places she didn't recognize from the game, and she was sure that Joe and Jen would be gone for at least two days. But she turned right around when she realized she had no money to buy anything.
After a brief sojourn back to her room, to retrieve some gold from her purse and to hide her backpack under her bed behind the chamber pot, Lilija emerged from the Drunken Huntsman around one o'clock, judging from the shadows underfoot. Adrienne was visible across the way, and Lilija contemplated selling her bastard sword. Maybe later, after she discussed with Joe what was going to happen. Maybe when she could get someone to teach her something about swordplay. She thought briefly of her new purpleheart handled dagger she bought at the Vermont renaissance faire and wished she had it.
Lilija observed the throng of townsfolk milling about the area, each busy with their own tasks. Lilija had nothing to do with all the time in the world to do it in. Her fingertips seemed to buzz with energy suddenly, a tingling sensation crawling up her arms to the back of her neck. Not entirely unpleasant, but unknown the cause. Unusually energized after such a long time crying, she set off walking around the city. The whole area was bustling with midday activity, people shoving to and fro to get to their respective destinations, a brush of an arm or the shove of an elbow carting Lilija along the flow.
Hours left her drawn to each different district of the city, only some certain spots drawing recollections from her mind. Adrienne Avenicci, daughter to Proventus, had a wonderful position right near the gates, aiming to catch each and every traveler looking to sell and fix their wares. Upwards from her lie a spread of houses, children and street animals running amok everywhere, then the market district.
Arcadia's cauldron sat innocuously tucked away in the corner of the square, a clothier beside that shop, another apothecary beside them as competition for Arcadia. There were so many shops to, well, shop through. Lilija spent much of the early afternoon flitting from establishment to establishment, buying supplies such as some cleaning cloths, a nice little bar of lavender soap from Arcadia, and she couldn't resist buying a set of silver earrings from Fralia. The woman was happy and chipper as ever; Thorald must not have been kidnapped, yet.
Lilija wished that her brain would work properly for more than 3 seconds at a time so she could remember how Thorald was caught, and so she could warn them. However, that wasn't how her traitorous mind worked, and all she encountered in her mindscape was a blank wall of frustrated nothingness. Lilija bid the woman a pleasant goodbye, then fixed the silver cuffs into her ears. Carved delicately into the metal was a filigree of roses and thorn vines.
Lilija sat down on a bench beside the dying Gildergreen with two apples pilfered from none other than Carlotta Valentia herself. She sank her teeth into the green one, sucking the juices almost obscenely in the presence of a holy relic. The parting of the apple's flesh gave a satisfying crunch, as did the munching between her teeth. She was nearly done with her green apple before she saw a child standing and watching from behind a stone monolith, one of the ones marking each street. Lilija grabbed the red apple from her lap and offered it out towards the child, "Wanna share lunch, kid?" she asked.
And so Lilija found herself beside Lucia on the ground beneath the Gildergreen, listening to the excited preteen babble on about the whole city. She had the whole rundown; everyone in the lowest district were usually really nice but don't ask questions of anyone about anything; the market district was cutthroat and if you have the time to shop, do so to find the lowest deal; avoid the cloud district because they were all "pompous fucks" or so Lucia says Brenuin tells her. Lilija just laughs, tells her to watch her profanity in public spaces, and asks her to continue.
"Ya know, everyone was real surprised to see a Khajiit in the city with ya, miss Lil'ja," Lucia said at last, the child busying her hands with creating a house with the dead twigs snapped off of the Gildergreen. "None'a us had seen one in the walls since, uh, I guess Brenuin says before I was born't, m'only eleven winters."
"That's sad to hear; the Khajiit people have, as far as my in- interactions with them have gone, been wonderful. It's a shame they aren't allowed in the walls."
"Yeah! The couple'a times I been outta the city since I gots here, I saw some of the cool stuff they sell, and that uh, armored one? Khayla? She taught me some stuffs about not bein' seen when I don't wanna be. I like her." Lucia was using the very core of the apple as the centerpiece of her house. Some ants marched through and started inhabiting the beautiful abode, praising the goddess Lucia for blessing them with such a fine establishment and meal. Lilija voices her thoughts to the child and elicits a confused laugh;
"You're weird, miss Lil'ja." was all she said, before getting up. "Have a good day, miss Lil'ja, and thanks a bunch for the apple!" and with that, the child was gone.
Precocious things. Glad I can't make 'em, Lilija thought privately as she finished her apple. The core was placed near Lucia's stick home for the ants to eat. Praise be given to the Goddess Lilija. She laughed to herself, then looked down at her lap and fuCKING JUMPED–
The slice of hard cheese bounced in her lap, yet did not fall off. Lilija settled down, the prickling feeling in the back of her neck increasing again. This time, she discarded the cheese onto the bench beside her, getting up and power walking away as fast as she could. This time, for sure, she knew she didn't have that cheese before she sat down. No matter how bad her memory was.
Lilija set off back towards the Drunken Huntsman, and after several missed attempts on which street she needed, she finally found the establishment again. This time, for some relative feeling of safety. Joe left her here, anyhow, so it must be safe enough.
With a bottle of wine, a half loaf of bread and a bowl of beef stew, Lilija saw herself out to a small outdoor dining area she hadn't noticed previously; what a nice change from what she expected. She settled into a table with the chair against the outer wall of the building, and people-watched.
Zaykari's only thought was on food. Where to find it next, how much he can get, and if he could get it without attracting any attention. The black Alfiq stalked through the late afternoon, the cobbled stones of Whiterun falling beneath his paws. He was so tired, each bone in his weary body crying out for some sort of reprieve. Scents of mouth-watering food wafted from establishments as he passed by, yet each one he passed up, having previously been ejected for pilfering victuals.
A delicious, tantalizing smell dominated itself over the other scents of the marketplace. His favorite; beef stew seasoned with frost mirriam. Hunger overrode all reasonable thought, and his sensitive nose led him to the right… the smell was becoming oh so strong, he could almost taste it… He opened his mouth and–!
Tasted nothing but water as he plunged into one of the many waterways flowing throughout Whiterun. Nothing worse to hear than a cat's scream, then hear it cut off suddenly. He was swirled away, his ears and mouth and nose full of rushing water, dragging him down. An impact drove the rest of his breath from him, the current of water pounding against him, pinning him against what felt like iron bars. His eyelids, previously screwed shut from the water, relaxed. He could see dancing motes of light in the water rushing in front of his face, slowly becoming dimmer. This was the end, then…
Zaykari was then hauled from the water, coughing and sputtering, throwing up a stomach full of water and garbage. Small, but firm hands held him at an angle downwards, and more water came with it, as if tipping a kettle. A soft patting on his back, aiding in his coughing up. After nothing else seemed to be coming up, the long haired Alfiq was placed upon a solid, warm surface. A lap. Two firm hands massaged along his torso, and he belched out just a little more water.
"You okay? Poor lil kitty," A feminine voice cooed from above him. His savior, he deducted, though he detested being called a 'little kitty'. He rested in the soft, cushy lap- just who had rescued him? Some Lady or Jarless? From the softness of her thighs, he would doubt she saw any adventuring, or any amount of hard work. His already heavy lids closed, his paws working underneath him to get comfortable. He'd sleep off this incident, and maybe, this woman might feed him when he woke…
After Lilija was finished eating her dinner, she retired to her room with her half bottle of wine and a black, half dry cat in her arms. Elrit- Eltiron- Elrindo- Elrond? Elrond, the barkeep, eyed her with curious eyes as she brought the drowned-looking feline to her room. Laying him out on the blanket, she used one of the spare cleaning cloths she bought earlier to rub down the cat's long fur, helping to get the residual moisture out of its long coat.
The cat purred in its half-asleep, half-drowned state as she rubbed it dry. She left the room for just a moment- only to ask Elrond? Elrindo? Elton John? Fuck, she couldn't remember his name and it was awkward enough to ask now- for the meat scraps from lunch for the cat. She gave him a septim bribe for it and the rest of the meat scraps for the cat until she left the establishment.
With a plate of gristle and bits of meat left by customers and a bowl of clean water, Lilija entered her room again to find the cat nowhere to be found. Disappointment coursed through her until she felt a brush against her ankles, and heard a curious "mmrew?" at her feet. She grinned as she looked down at the damp black feline, gazing up at her with stunning yellow-green eyes. Her heart melted just a little bit more.
"Got you something you'll like, little kitty cat," Lilija said as she set the plate down. The cat wasted no time in diving into the plate of meat, only pausing to gasp air between bites or lap down some water. Lilija closed the door and sat down on the bed, giving the cat some space.
As Lilija watched the cat, unbeknownst to her, she was being watched as well.
Two figures, one a titch bit shorter than the other; one in magnificent patterns, another in plain black robes. A brunette man, and a gray haired man stood around what looked to be a birdbath, peering into the swirling images just underneath the water.
"I told you that your appearing cheese act would spook her," the brunette spoke, gesturing with his goblet of wine, glancing at the other man, who grimaced slightly.
"Well who was I to know she wasn't as insane as previously advertised? I should sue her for false advertisement. That mental breakdown clearly led my perception astray. Not my fault she isn't what was on the package." The silver haired gentleman rebutted, huffing as he placed a hand on his hip rather sassily.
"I mean, I have to admit, she did seem pretty fucking bonkers, but I don't think she's quite insane enough for you, Sheo." the brunette shrugged as he sat down in thin air, a throne conjuring beneath his form instantaneously. Sheogorath eyed him contemplatively, his expression a mask of clarity. Sanguine hadn't seen him this clear-headed in millennia.
"Just you wait, Sanguine. I brought her here for a reason."
(a/n: thank you to everyone who has followed or left kudos on this story! You are all amazing and i love you)