If my writing is shaky, I apologize. It's just thinking about my…rape…has me beyond upset. While I've come to terms with the fact it happened, I will never overcome everything that resulted from being violated in such a violent way.

Words don't come easy for me. So I won't force them. I'll put on parchment what happened with a detachment so that one and all can know what happened.

There's also the way that Xena stood by me every step of the way. While some would blame her for my rape because of her obsession with Cesar, I believe she was truly attempting to help Boadicea.

Why do I believe this? Because Xena had me somewhere she thought she was safe. She had me with someone we both could trust. If we'd only known…

I had to take a break already. I will throughout writing this and a handful more of our adventures together. I close my eyes, yet the images bombard me even more.

Another break. This time I spent unknown candelmarks just being held by my wife. I love her so much. And she loves me. No matter our past, we have each other.

I will now just write what happened. It's all I can do without truly breaking down every other word. It will be worth it to get these words on parchment so that you will know what Xena and I both experienced.

THE DELIVERER

Philosophy. Gabrielle was frustrated. Xena and she never did see eye to eye. Yet, the bard never stopped attempting to get her soulmate to expand her vision of the world.

What was frustrating was when Xena would turn things around on Gabrielle. It was always in a smart-alecky way. Even when the bard told her to stop, the warrior princess would continue.

That was when the soldiers and their prisoners walked by. Xena said they were from Brittania. It was a place Gabrielle had never been.

Gabrielle cringed when she heard one of the prisoners mentioned Cesar. The bard knew that it would peek Xena's interest. Hopefully it wouldn't become an obsession.

It didn't take much to free the prisoners. It rarely did when it came to the warrior princess. To discover they were joining forces with Boadicea to fight against Cesar was shocking. It was surprising Xena knew Boadicea.

Already two hundred soldiers were on their way to Brittania. Gabrielle had no doubt they would be on the next boat to Brittania themselves.

While there was an obsession on Xena's part, Gabrielle knew that it was for the greater good that they stop Cesar. He already controlled so much. If he went further, he would rule the known world.

Speaking for Xena, Gabrielle informed Crafstar of how Cesar had betrayed her. That was the reason she agreed. There also seemed more but the bard couldn't put her finger on it.

One god with a name that one couldn't speak of. Did Gabrielle want to hear more? Not really. After all, they had enough problems with the gods she knew. Yet there was always a curiosity the bard could not fully hold at bay.

There was something appealing in the way Crafstar spoke of his one god and the beliefs it took. Friendship and love were two things you could not touch but knew existed.

Xena interrupted their conversation. For some reason, Gabrielle felt nervous about her newfound friendship with Crafstar. That her soulmate would not understand about the one god. After all, the warrior princess didn't like the gods they dealt with already.

Something was up with her soulmate. Gabrielle prodded by saying she thought Xena had mixed feelings about helping an old friend. They were allies once. Boadicea thought they were friends. But Xena ordered her and her husband dead. But they escaped and fought. The warrior princess drove them back to Brittania. There were two betrayals. One by Cesar and one by Xena.

Gabrielle watched as Xena handled Cesar's men perfectly. Instead of landing, they continued sailing north. The landing wasn't easy but they made. And the fight was on. Boadicea and her soldiers arrived just in time to send the men running.

But not far or fast enough. Gabrielle was captured, along with Crafstar. They were taken to Cesar immediately. Only the bard didn't realize it. She attempted not to let any of Cesar's men take advantage of her.

Cesar was certain Gabrielle meant something to Xena. It was, according to him, her greatest weakness. Her emotions would be her downfall. Gabrielle knew it was her strength but never would tell.

The story Crafstar told was one that Gabrielle so wanted to believe in. The cycle of violence ending was one of her wishes for the known world. And to think a single god gave Crafstar the strength to put down his sword…

In a turn of events, Gabrielle found herself tied to a cross. Now she did know how Xena felt. It was terrifying knowing that soon your own breathing would kill you.

That's when Xena was there catching Gabrielle. Timing. They really had to work on their timing. But the bard was free and ready to continue helping with the fight.

Gabrielle was a little surprised that Xena wasn't even a little upset at her becoming captured by Cesar. She was more concerned with if he said anything. The one main thing the warrior princess knew intimately was his philosophy of dividing a woman from her sensibility from her emotions.

Another battle and they had the soldiers on the run. Crafstar and Merdian both began praising their one god. It was all still so amazing. The love Gabrielle felt caused her to want to learn more. Wanted her to believe.

In fact, it led Gabrielle to be invited for a ritual. She wasn't certain if she should be there or not. It felt like she was invading on something private and something to be cherished.

The darkness Gabrielle felt wash over her when Meridian began the chant chilled her. Crafstar said that there had been many changes since he'd last performed it.

That's when everything happened at once. The bard was grasped roughly. Crafstar was taken toward the altar. There was a knife. The next thing Gabrielle realized there was blood on her hands. She had stabbed Meridian and the young woman had died.

Numb. Barely able to understand that this had been planned. Crafstar telling her that Dahok would be released into this world because she had given up her blood innocence. All Gabrielle could do was scream.

Suddenly, Xena was there. Asking what happened. Gabrielle had to say she killed Meridian and it wasn't an accident. That's when Crafstar returned thanking Xena. Gabrielle was sick at the thought of what she had done.

It washed over Gabrielle what Crafstar and Xena were speaking of. How it was Xena's hate who had brought Gabrielle to the temple and therefore was the reason the bard had lost her blood innocence.

That's when it happened. The flame reached out. It had a hold of Gabrielle. It penetrated her very being. Xena was busy fighting whatever Crafstar had morphed into. The bard couldn't even scream all she could do was to be continuously violated in the worst way possible.

Then Gabrielle was falling. Luckily, she fell into the arms of her soulmate. It hurt inside. Everything was changed. Even the love of Xena could not stop the pain that pulsated through every pore of her being.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()

Xena listened as Gabrielle went on about mountains, rocks and grains of sand. While the warrior princess didn't mind philosophy, it had to be the right kind. Besides, tweaking Gabrielle was so much fun Xena couldn't resist on using her own thought process so that her philosophy didn't quite fit.

Before Xena could really tease Gabrielle, they came upon some soldiers with prisoners. If the warrior princess had to guess, the men were from the island of Gaul.

Then a name that chilled Xena still was uttered. Cesar. The prisoner would never give up to the likes of Cesar. It, of course, caused the warrior princess to have to intervene. She did it the only way she was good at.

Boadicea was recruiting to fight Cesar? Xena's mind was instantly at work. Two hundred mercenaries were already headed to Britannia. There were two more added to that list. The warrior princess wanted to help and Gabrielle would go with her.

Scouting for the harbor brought an unexpected and unwanted visit. Was Xena still miffed about the insanity? Not as much as she was about nearly killing her mother. All so she could be under Ares' thumb.

Every word out Ares' mouth was a scheme of some sort. Xena wasn't certain yet what he was playing at. But a temple? Cesar couldn't care less about a temple. Even from a strategic point of view it was unusual for the man to care about such things. After all, he was a religion to himself.

Gabrielle was acting a little strangely when Xena came across her and Crafstar in deep discussion. This one god thing really was something the warrior princess couldn't wrap her mind around.

That's not what had Xena on edge that Gabrielle noticed right away. No one else could do that. What had the warrior princess on edge was one thing. Or should it be person. Boadicea.

Boadicea was another person who was used and abused by The Destroyer of Nations. Initially fighting side by side, Xena had ordered her and her husband's deaths. They luckily escaped, attacked Xena but were defeated and fled north.

Before Gabrielle could thankfully react, they were interrupted. Cesar's men threatened taking the vessel and all punished if they didn't turnaround and head back to Gaul. Playing a part, Xena told them to tell Cesar they had no intention of tangling with him. Of course, they turned north instead of south.

Just out of sight, Xena had them land. It was time for a fight. One that would have Boadicea as an ally. A reluctant ally, but an ally nonetheless. The fight was a sound one and it left Cesar's men retreating.

The cave was well setup, as was the rest of the camp. Xena couldn't help making suggestions. Which were soundly turned down. While there was a truth to what Boadicea said about how Xena wouldn't be there if it weren't for Cesar, the warrior princess wanted to right a wrong she had made so many years ago. Not that Boadicea would believe that.

Now that things were settled, it was time to find Gabrielle. By now, her bard would have found her. When there was no sign of Crafstar, as well as Gabrielle, Xena knew that Cesar had them. It complicated matters.

It was confirmed by the fact that Boadicea had lied to Xena. There was a part of the warrior princess that wanted to kill her old enemy right then and there. But they needed one another if they were to have a chance at defeating Cesar.

Breaking through the ground, Xena and the others came up fighting. Just in time so that Gabrielle would not have to have her legs broken as the warrior princess once had. Easily Xena caught her soulmate who made a joke about working on their timing.

There was no need for Gabrielle to apologize. Though Xena did appreciate the sentiment. She was more concerned if Cesar had said anything. It, of course, had to do with dividing a woman's sensibilities from her emotion.

It was Xena's turn to divide and conquer Cesar's army. It was the only way they would be able to defeat his legions of men. But there was one thing. The temple. The one Ares had wanted the warrior princess to destroy.

There was no time to think of that. There was only time to think of battle. Keeping Cesar's soldiers on the run. To keep pressing whatever advantage they had.

The final battle had arrived. Cesar himself had arrived with his legions. It was time to divide and conquer. It was something Xena was an expert at.

Just as the battle was a given, Ares appeared once again. He was going on about the temple and the evil that would be brought into the world. Evil compared to what? Trust him? Based on their past experiences, that was far from likely.

The legions were more than Boadicea had envisioned. How were they to defeat that? Divide and conquer. But leave Cesar for Xena. It was personal, as always.

That's when Xena noticed the smoke. It was coming from above the temple where Gabrielle was. There was no time to think. Her soulmate was in trouble. As much as she hated leaving Boadicea in the lurch, the bard would always come first.

When Xena came to the temple, she noticed Meridian was dead. Gabrielle was doubled over. She took the bard in her arms. Communication was difficult as it was obvious Gabrielle was in pain, but there were no visible marks.

Murdered? How could it be? Not Gabrielle. Not Xena's sweet innocent soulmate. How could she have lost her blood innocence.

That's when Krafstar was thanking her. For bringing Gabrielle to her destiny. She was for Dahok. The one god that was evil to his core. It was one time Xena wished she had listened to Ares.

Once again, Krafstar was inferring it was Xena's hatred that brought them here. That it was her fault that Gabrielle was at the wrong place at the right time. That this Dahok appreciated her anger and hatred.

A fight ensues. It wasn't long before Krafstar was no longer human. The fight becomes even more fierce. And Gabrielle was in major trouble. Xena had to get to her. To save her from whatever else was planned for her.

Finally, Xena somehow managed to defeat Krafstar. He was sent down where the flames are holding up Gabrielle. The warrior princess had to act fast as her soulmate was falling toward unknown doom.

After catching her soulmate, Xena got them out of the temple just in time before it exploded. In the rubble, Xena holds her soulmate. She wished she knew what to say or do for Gabrielle. All she knew was it was her fault and she would do whatever it took to make her soulmate feel anything but pain and anguish.

Everything has changed. Xena can sense it. It's not just how violated Gabrielle has been. It's not just how she has lost her blood innocence. Something has escaped into the known world. Though she said it would be ok, Xena knows it's far from ok.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()

The camp was deathly quiet. Gabrielle stared into the fire. Xena hastily went about settling them for the night. All she wanted to do was hold her soulmate who hadn't spoken another word.

Finally, Xena was able to sit next to her soulmate. While she wanted to hold Gabrielle, the bard was so fragile she didn't know what her soulmate needed at the moment.

"Xena?" Gabrielle swallowed hard. She felt like she would be physically ill. She was at the point of dry heaving when she did attempt to vomit.

"Yes, Gabrielle?" Without thought, Xena placed her hand on her soulmate's thigh. Gabrielle moved as if the warrior princess' hand was a red hot poker. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry for attempting to comfort me." Gabrielle swallowed. She cursed ever being intrigued by the thought of a one god. She cursed the fact now the touch of the one she most wanted touching her felt like she was being burned.

There was a moment of silence before the bard found words. "I know I keep saying it, but it hurts. I don't know what exactly happened to me, but it hurts. And I can't even cry."

Xena took a chance and gently brought Gabrielle into her arms. The way her soulmate whimpered tore at Xena's very soul. Whatever was happening with Gabrielle was happening with Xena, to an extent.

"Gods! I can't believe I took a life. Nothing will ever be the same again." Gabrielle found the tears she had said were gone. "I hate Krafstar! I hate whatever it was violated me! I hate, Xena. For the first time since Callisto, I hate!"

It was an emotion Xena was extremely familiar with. "I hate too. I hate that my hatred brought us to Britannia. If I'd not interfered, none of this would have happened. I…" She trailed off. Words were not her strong suit so she kissed the top of Gabrielle's head.

"Xena." Gabrielle knew they were both hurting in their own way. "Maybe it was as Krafstar said. This was my destiny. But if it was, I hate the furries or whatever god or goddess did this to me. To us."

There was more hate. Xena knew it was too soon to do more than hold her soulmate. Even the kiss on the top of the head was iffy, if only because any touch was a reminder. "Hatred. We have to stop it somehow. I don't know how."

"The cycle of hatred and violence." Gabrielle wrapped her arms around her soulmate. Emerald bloodshot eyes closed tightly. "I know it has to end, but at the moment I can't stop hating. Myself most of all."

That was something Xena understood all too well. She hated herself for every innocent life lost because of her thirst for power. And now it was her thirst for revenge because of hate that had Gabrielle in the state she was in.

"I hate myself too." Xena felt the squeeze. She knew the argument. Even in a state so torn, she knew exactly what her soulmate would say. "While destiny might have brought us to the shores of Britannia anyway, it was my hatred of Cesar and my thirst for revenge that have us here at the wrong time. I can't apologize enough."

And there they were. In a conundrum. Gabrielle would never blame her soulmate for what happened to her. After all, if her curiosity hadn't gotten the better of herself, she would never have listened about a single god. A true god. A god that was of hate, anger. All the things the bard was not.

And Xena would never forgive herself for bringing her soulmate to the shores of Britannia. It was time to leave these shores. Placing distance between them and the place Gabrielle was violated so wouldn't make her hurt less, but it was a good start in the healing process. Xena hoped…